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Katy Milkman, PhD, is a professor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. She’s also the host of Charles Schwab’s popular behavioral economics podcast Choiceology and author of How to Change: The Science of Getting From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.
The best-seller describes the little things you can do to make a big difference in your life.
"How did Google become the great[est] search engine? Because it has this very efficient algorithm. It takes the path of least resistance. It looks for a fast solution. And that's what we do too. We prefer to choose the easiest way to achieve any objective," Milkman said.
"Most goals fail. And if you aren't strategizing and making plans and setting goals and figuring out what could stand in your way and using the best science-based strategies, you're not giving yourself the best chance at success."
So, we decided to dig a little deeper and put together a list of psychological "hacks" that people have tested themselves and reviewed positively online.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Best one for kids, and this works wonders for behavioral problems. You never say "don't do x." I had a terror child in daycare and people would yell at him for acting out. I would start each day by saying "You're going to be a good boy today!" And every time he acted out I would say "wait, you're my good boy right?" He would say yes and stop doing it. When his mom came to get him I made a point to of telling her how good he was. That child never acted out around me after a week.
The Big Bad 9 months ago
Kids just want to be seen and liked in most cases. In my experience kids that act out the most actually just want to be seen by an adult. I always tell my students how awesome they are, because they are. I write them all a letter twice a year of things they did or about how good they are and how much they're liked by me and the class. All kids should be appreciated for who they are.
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
That's so nice. You sound like an amazing teacher.
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Marnie 9 months ago
This is a little bit different, more specific. But it really bothers me when someone will continually yell at the child, "Don't leave the door open when you go out!" Instead, say as if you are trying to raise them, instead of just keeping them from being annoying, "Close the door when you go out." And then praise them when they remember. It makes a huge difference.
Never Snarky 9 months ago
I used to drive a school bus. Most of the kids never got compliments from anyone. Whenever they were good, I told them so. Even wrote up the whole bus for being exceptionally good during a crisis one boy was having. I had the best behaved bus in the whole school.
RELATED:
#2
I used the "gray rock" method on my narcissist brother in law.
Basically, I made myself so dull and boring and the opposite of drama that he learned to avoid me at all costs. It worked like a charm, and only took 4-5 encounters to take effect.
StrangeOne 9 months ago
I like doing this. My narcissist doesn't call as much and bothers me anymore. I just let her do all the talking. Now, she's more apt at wanting to get off the phone. Narcissists don't like to hear you talk about anything, except when it's something to gossip about to others. I don't give that ammo anymore.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
THAT’S what “gray rocking” is? I’d guessed from the words and guessed wrong. Huh. I don’t expose myself to people much, but it sounds as if it could be handy. (I’d thought it was like “no contact.” Hadn’t realized I hafta make contact to do it.)
Joanne Earle 9 months ago
I tried that w/ my mother but she just rambled on and on anyway. When I lived out west it would easily be 2 hours on the phone w/ me going, 'yup. uh huh. yup....' ad nauseum. The woman never. shut. up. Long car rides were so tedious.
Deson 9 months ago
Unfortunately in my case I was forced to block my Narcissitic Mother and Brother. She has obvious signs of Dementia and was alternating between being nice and attack, attack, attack. For my own sanity I was forced to block her and my brother has declared that "you are dead to me" because I "Hurt mom". I've been kicked out of the family and written out of the will twice, The gray rock approach unfortunately wouldn't have worked in this case but it's an idea for the future.
AsylumWalker 9 months ago
I feel that, i had to block mine and my maternal grandfather. It just wasnt worth it
Load More Replies... #3
If you work with clients, prevent them from getting defensive and angry by not using the word "you".
It's not "you didn't send the attachment", it's "the attachment didn't send". Don't blame them, blame the thing you're talking about.
I take my time when I write emails to clients because I like to word things *just* right...one word can be the difference between a happy client and an unhappy one. The right words in the right order can influence people to make decisions you want them to make. Words are powerful.
sturmwesen 9 months ago
I like to use "lets find a solution for the issue first since I know it's time sensitive, and look for the reason (blame) later" with luck they are happy it is fixed and forget to put the blame on anyone
Casey Tuohey 9 months ago
My best boss always taught me to always assume positive intent. I has paid back 1000 fold.
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Brittania Kelli 9 months ago
I tell my ASD teen this when their friends hurt their feelings. To stop guilt and blame to escalate emotions, it works to say, 'I was hurt by the situation,' or 'I felt I wasn't being heard,' instead of 'you hurt me' or 'you were ignoring me.' It shows that you understand that maybe it wasn't the person's intentions to hurt you and it opens up the option to discuss the situation and clear the air while the honesty and vulnerability can help build stronger trust and friendship bonds.
RedMarbles 9 months ago
They might get less sh*t if you follow this advice.
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#4
The concept of getting something for free completely derails a person's critical thinking skills.
My dad was tool distributor and drove a truck to various repair shops selling tools to mechanics.
He got an idea to start selling candy bars on his truck for one dollar. But you would get a free candy bar with every tool purchase.
Almost everyone who asked how much the candy bar was didn't want to pay a dollar for one, but they would buy a $100 socket set in order to get the candy bar for free.
Lost Panda 9 months ago
Because it makes it look like a deal. "Man I could go for some candy... Free if I buy something? Well, I did lose my 3/4 wrench... let me get one and a Crunch bar"
Microwaved Robot 9 months ago
This is very true. People want Free no matter how much it costs them. Raise the price "Buy Two Get One Free"
#5
In an argument speak softly. It forces active listening which leads to active thinking. When they are listening and thinking they are not yelling, arguing, or talking.
Billo66 9 months ago
Single dad, 10f 12m. This is our method. We try to leave our drama and chaos at the door. When the yelling starts I remain calm and try to talk to them and reason it out. Usually works but with a 12 year old boy results may vary. One minute he's my boy and the next he's a grown man talkin down to me. It's tough lol But I get it. There is no spanking we don't do violence. We talk or get I get ignored, whatever lol
jonesnori 9 months ago
This method wouldn't work with me, as I'm hard of hearing, but I think it is effective with a lot of people. With someone like me, if you can speak up without yelling, that would probably work. (As singers and public speakers like to say, "project" your voice from your abdomen.)
Michael Largey 9 months ago
Well, then how about you taking it and going full mute?
Load More Replies... #6
You want someone you just met to like you? Ask them open-ended questions about themselves. Don't wait for your turn to speak. Listen, and then ask a follow-up question based on what they said. If you do that a couple of times, that person feels heard and appreciated by you. If they realize they're doing all the talking, they'll apologize and ask a question of you. If your answer is short and pivots back into something they said, you have now formed a connection in their mind as a good listener who is interested in what they have to say. People like that a lot.
The Big Bad 9 months ago
This isn't a trick, it really takes time and effort to be a good listener. When I began to do this it was really hard, since I get distracted very easily. After practicing it it's one of the most enjoyable things to do. They appreciate you because most people feel great when they're really listened to and you can appreciate then because they opened up to you. Win win.
Sarah Suelzle 9 months ago
Be careful though because this can also be sure fire way to attract narcists who may be on their best behavior. Once they learn that you don't or won't talk about yourself that much they will never show any interest again.
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
So true. I have had this exact experience with a narcissist
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ChickyChicky 9 months ago
I have a friend who does this. She turns any conversation back to me. I'm asking her questions, how's she doing, etc, short answer and then asks me follow-up questions. I appreciate her desire to be a good listener, but also I do care and want to hear more from her!
Michael Largey 9 months ago
If I was on the receiving end of this one-sided technique, I would soon be wondering what this person was hiding about themself from me.
Tom De Paul 9 months ago
Ask a question and then while listening to the answer, identify what interests you and ask a follow on question about that. Notice they are doing all the talking but it's all about what you're interested in. I call it covert narcissism light.
Magenta Blu 9 months ago
Telling people about me is my biggest mistake and regret. Always giving ammo they use against me. Never fails. Silent is wiser and safer
Marnie 9 months ago
This can be taken too far. A normal person wants a back and forth conversation. I heard this advice years ago. Probably due to being autistic, I took it quite literally. I found I was the sounding board for everyone at work. When my Mom, Dad, foster son, best friend, all my aunts and uncles, my brother, and my son's friend all died within a few short years, not one person ever asked how I was doing. The best I got I was asking me how old my brother was. When I said "60", they were like "Oh" and turned away. It's like, not a tragedy since he was 60 :-( It was completely unexpected and he still had kids dependent on him (two special needs kids). Plus, he was my second favorite person.
#7
Does this count...? They aren't cool, but pretty helpful.
I sometimes have anxiety brain where I start to panic about the future or the past or whatever. I've learned to stop myself, and tell myself: "Hey, wait, you need to finish your job. Your job is...xxx"
So, for instance, I'll be doing dishes, get lost in thought, and start to get upset and anxious. I'll then tell myself, "hey, you have to finish doing the dishes, that's your job right now." And then I'll take a deep breath, or multiple deep breaths.
It's just another way to center yourself and bring yourself back to the present, but it's helpful. Hard to do it at first, but I've gotten good at it.
Also, sometimes anxiety brain can lead to some heavy, self-loathing, probably false thoughts. I've more recently taught myself that when that happens to stop, take a breath, and say one nice thing about myself.
So when bad brain goes into: "What the f**k Tammy Tangerine, you're the worst, I can't believe you f****d up that insignificant thing", I'll try and stop myself and say something like, "f**k that, no, I am kind."
That's a harder trick for sure, but I'm getting better at it.
Illustrious G 9 months ago
I learned to be a friend to myself. I “self-talk” like I would to a friend- I wouldn’t tell a friend the are lazy or fat or stupid, so I stopped telling myself those things too. It took some time but now after years of practice, I have completely stopped the negative self-talk.
🇫🇮 Goth Nurse 🇫🇮 9 months ago
That's why I use headphones and E-books because I would overthink and get anxious (ADHD here)
Joanne Earle 9 months ago
Honestly I would NEVER speak to anyone the way I talk to myself. 'God you are so stupid. You don't deserve to live. You can't do anything right.' And this is on a daily basis, since I was a child.
#8
If you have trouble motivating yourself to do something like learn a skill (instrument, language etc.) tell yourself "Ok, I'll sit down and do this for just five minutes"
A lot of the time you'll end up going for much longer than five minutes, but even if you don't it's still five minutes of practice in whatever the heck you wanted to learn in the first place.
Wombat 9 months ago
This works for doing housework too. 'I'm not cleaning the whole kitchen, I'll just wipe down the bench top'. Most of the time you just keep going and have finished the whole thing in no time. If it doesn't work, at least you have a clean bench top.
DrBronxx 9 months ago
Unfortunately, this approach doesn't work for everyone - for me it either causes me so much stress because there's always so much more to do. Then I'll become too focused, ignoring everything else, including meals, until I can't move from exhaustion. I have to pre-plan everything I'm going to clean, or I just won't stop.
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Jenny Barton 9 months ago
I decide to 'just put away five things' and then everything seems to get put away
#9
Giving students in my elementary class the illusion of choice. If you ask "do you want to start your work?" Or "isn't it time we got something done?" I modify it to-
"Would you like to do your assignment with a pencil or blue pen?" They are too consumed with this choice that they have forgotten that they didn't want to do it in the first place.
Also, every recess-
"Did you push jimmy?" "No."
"Ok umm two people saw you do it, and reported it to me. Are you sure you didn't?" "In sure."
Then change it to "can you tell me *why* you pushed him?"
"Well it's because..."
Gets'em every time.
Danish Susanne 9 months ago
When a hysterically weeping child comes in and there is even the slightest trace of blood to be seen, I say: You need a bandage, do you want the one with Spiderman or My little pony? Making the choice usually makes them forget to weep.
Papa 9 months ago
When my sister and I were small, and would be upset over some minor injury, our father would ask us if we had torn our clothes. We'd say no. He'd reply "That's good, because you will heal, but your clothes won't." That would make us laugh, and we'd forget about being upset.
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Magenta Blu 9 months ago
No wonder why I never cant make any choice. About anything. I just freeze because everytime I was making "choices", it were not really alternatives.. it was merely manipulation.
#10
When you're walking through a crowded hallway, if you keep your eyes focused in the exact direction you're going, people will naturally clear out of your way because we sub-consciously use eye-contact with people in order to navigate around each other.
sturmwesen 9 months ago
you are probably not doing it with enough purpose... I only nearly crash into unattentive people or men that try to prove something
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Casey Tuohey 9 months ago
I’m 5’3” and it works for me when I have a singular purpose of thought. When I’m too mad to deal with b******t I focus on my next 5 steps and I guess most folk don’t want to deal with me in this hyper-agitated state. Sometimes it’s better to take 2 steps to left to let the mad person through.
Jemima Bauer 9 months ago
Yeah…that doesn’t work. I do it, and people continue obliviously on, or dance back and forth looking confused.
Captain Kakapo 9 months ago
works especially well if you are over 6 feet tall and or over 200 pounds
Danish Susanne 9 months ago (edited)
It mostly works for me, but I thought it helped that I am 6 feet tall. But it doesn't work when some of the people are not facing towards you.
Amanda the Panda 9 months ago
You actually have to look down. People will notice and move so as not to bump into you. Definitely works.
Moonie Pinkslip 9 months ago
This is the concept of throwing your chi, or energy, ahead of you, and focusing on that point. It works for me, even in a crowded Indian railway station!
Bartlet for world domination 9 months ago
You're supposed to avoid people while looking over their shoulders in the direction you're going. Works like a charm, but I guess you have to be at least shoulder height.
Load More Replies... #11
Have a toddler that is in a bad mood? Sit down with them, look them straight in the eye, and say "You're mad, so don't laugh." Just keep repeating it as seriously as you can.
I've done it for 15 different cousins over a couple of decades, and by the fifth repetition of "DON'T LAUGH" they are busting a gut and rolling on the floor.
CrunChewy McSandybutt 9 months ago
I did this to my kids all the time. It's so funny to see them laughing, but totally pissed off about it.
Magenta Blu 9 months ago
Then I was the weird kid who learned in fact to not to laugh. I can't even smile anymore. I have forgotten how
#12
If someone won't stop talking or let you get a word in, drop something (keys, pen). Reach down to pick them up and start talking. It's a way to interrupt without the other person realizing it.
StrangeOne 9 months ago
This does not work with narcissists. They will get angry, scowl at you and continue talking.
#13
When someone asks me a question that I don't want to answer, I *always* say "Why do you ask?" It's my go-to.
StrangeOne 9 months ago
A narcissist will always say back "Oh, I'm just asking." No, they're not and do not like being questioned for asking nosy, uncomfortable questions. A sane person will just ask if it was a weird question and maybe reiterate their question or let it slide.
LB 9 months ago
I do think for some proportion of questions this is useful, in my social life anyway.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 9 months ago (edited)
At meetings, when someone asked me a question that I didn't want to answer, I would pound the table and say "That's what I want to know!"
DrBronxx 9 months ago
I've had people ask me deeply personal questions about myself, and when I ask why they want to know, they say "I'm just asking". I'll say "OK" or "I see.", and not follow up. Most of the time when met with silence the other person will change the topic. On the few times that people ask for more, I will tell them something along the lines of "I'm not obligated to answer personal questions just because you decided to ask them on a whim." It gets super awkward, but it never happens again.
katiekat0214 9 months ago
And if someone says "I'm just asking" I keep repeating why. If they won't give a reason, then I'm all for being blunt: you don't need to know that, and I prefer to stay private. I'm all for sending awkward back to sender.
Marnie 9 months ago
Why can't you just say you don't want to talk about it right from the get-go. Not everyone has the same idea about what questions are too personal. They can't read your mind. Unless you know for a fact they have nefarious purpose (which was not the subject of this post), it seems rude to turn it back on them as if they did something wrong.
Load More Replies... #14
If someone is talking or preoccupied, you can hold out your hand and they'll give you whatever they're holding. I did it to my sister with the car keys and made her think she lost them somewhere at the store.
Marnie 9 months ago (edited)
The reverse is also true. My son's favorite trick is when listening to someone talking, without batting an eye, he'll hold out something and people almost always just take it and keep talking. Empty gum wrapper, balled up piece of paper, anything at all, they'll take it.
Brian Droste 9 months ago
I have done this on occasion just for fun with young ones. . I will have a wrapper or a small piece of trash in my hand and tell them I have something for you. Close your eyes and hold out your hand then put whatever in my hand give it to them. Usually they will say something the lines of not liking it. I always take it back.
Load More Replies... #15
My favorite is silently maintaining eye contact when a person is attempted to bargain or convince you of something that you don't want to do, or don't believe.
They usually end up negotiating with themselves (which gives you a huge advantage because once that happens, it is pretty much game over).
Moonie Pinkslip 9 months ago
Yeah, it's the old trick of staying silent and letting the other person derail themselves by continuing to talk...it works every time!
Cosmos in your eyes 9 months ago
I've also done this when someone says something offensive or stupid. I just let it ring out in the silence. Once my cousin sent me a nasty email. I didn't reply. A few days later she wrote me again and apologized.
#16
One of my friends was taking Psych 101 in college, and she referenced something called "confusing". The example was to use a word or phrase out of context as a means to diffuse a situation.
Our Boss (who was always kind of a jerk to her): WHY WERE YOU LATE TODAY?!?
My friend: Oh, my goodness! Traffic was so *armadillo!* I'm so very sorry!
Our Boss: Um, okay...don't let it happen again.
Shannon Donnelly 9 months ago
I can just imagine doing this with my former boss, because I know exactly how he would have responded: “What the f**k is wrong with you? Did you take your meds today?!” Lmao
Jay Scales 9 months ago
During menopause woman do this without even trying - 'I'm hungry, I'll have an umbrella' :D
Bobby McKee 9 months ago
I've found that it someone is upset and yelling at you out of stress, you can just calmly and slowly reach up and touch your finger to their cheek. It'll stop the screaming and they'll respond rationally afterwards.
FreeTheUnicorn 9 months ago
Do not touch people without permission, especially In the face. I don't generally condone violence but in this scenario you rapidly become worse than the person yelling and I would side with them if they punched you.
Load More Replies... #17
The Flinch. Whether you're negotiating a raise, the sale price of a car you want to buy, who does what chores around the house, always flinch visibly at the first and sometimes second offers. The Flinch can be as simple as a small wince, a sigh, or an eyeroll. The Flinch quite often causes people to lowball the initial offer. I learned this from my was-husband and it freaking works. Got my current job at 10% over the max salary because I flinched.
Papa 9 months ago
A wince or a sigh may work, but I'm skeptical about an eyeroll. When someone rolls their eyes at me it just pisses me off.
Kalevra 9 months ago
I just groan as loudily as i can and stand up while raising my arms over my head. Thats how i became CEO as an entry level candiate.
Load More Replies... #18
When you're talking to someone who's being defensive and there is a pause in the conversation, let them fill it.
Anonymous: They'll incriminate themselves.
#19
I don't know if this fits but when a kid gets hurt a little and all the adults start freaking out the kids gonna f*****g cry. Tell the gullible little s**t "Oh, you're fine. You're not hurt." For little things, like a scraped knee, it's worked like a charm for me at keeping them happy. For serious injuries it can help them to keep calm. Nothing tells a kid that everything is wrong and they're gonna die like all the adults around them acting like it.
edit: Yeah, yeah, maybe I shouldn't tell a kid what to feel and maybe I shouldn't invalidate their feelings. Like I give a f**k, I'm not the bloody parent. I just hate the wailing of children and this is my **trick** to get them to stay relatively quiet. The question was "What are the coolest psychology **tricks** that you know or have used?" not "What parenting strategy should everyone try out?".
Wombat 9 months ago
I agree about not panicking and freaking kids out if they fall or whatever. Check them over, say 'that must have hurt' or whatever, followed by 'your'e ok, off you go and play'. Calm and reassuring is the way to go, and does not imply invalidating their feelings.
Alex Schneider 9 months ago
This! You can interrupt their emotions or give them room but please stay calm and the safe haven for the kid- neither a highpitched voice nor a stressed out mom relieve the situation. My strategies changed often: my first kid forgot the pain while listening how magical his body will repair itself, my third kid only stopped crying when I started angry blame the floor for hurting my kid
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SirWriteALot 9 months ago
I did just the opposite ... I really took my time to "analyze" the "injury" and acknowledge my child's suffering. Not in a dramatic way but I felt that telling them "oh it's nothing" would signal that I did not take them seriously. So I paid attention did the rubbing and holding and "oh no, what happened" and then it would be over pretty quickly.
Ace macbeth 9 months ago
I use to clap and say yay! when my kids were toddlers/preschoolers and fell. And seriously every time they'd get right back up smiling saying yay and go on bout their business. They've never freaked out about an injury, even a serious one.
Moonie Pinkslip 9 months ago
My parents and elders would always go the "OMG look you dented the floor" route if we hurt ourselves falling over, or we damaged the grass, or we c*****d the concrete. The wonder of that statement stopped us in our tracks
Tara L. 9 months ago
I'm a former daycare teacher. I've learned that if I stay calm, the kid will calm down quickly. To get them to cooperate with cleaning a wound I'll tell them "ok, we're going to wash this out. If it hurts I want you to yell at me really loud "OUCH!" that always makes them smile, then they'll let me wash & bandage it with little fuss.
FreeTheUnicorn 9 months ago (edited)
Like everything else with kids, you need to adapt to the child. This may work with overly dramatic kids, but it also leads to me having to get me not getting a fracture in my hand seen to for weeks because each adult I approached said I was fine, and I didn't want to whine about it. Which laid the groundwork for not getting a fibromyalgia diagnosis until I was 40 because I just thought pain was normal. Turns out, stuff like walking shouldn't hurt most of the time. Even for dramatic kids, why wouldn't you just teach them to regulate their emotions by talking then through it, let's have a look, is the pain getting less, what would make it better, teach them to focus on solutions/actions instead of just teaching them not to trust themselves or the adults around them?
JB 9 months ago
So, this is based on an actual phenomenon, he just sucks at explaining it. Young children, babies especially, look at their adults to gauge how they should respond. This is why there is often a pause in between a baby falling and when they start crying. It is the adult's face and body that the child uses to determine if they should start crying. Try it with your kid! If they simply fall on their b*m, deadpan your response or respond with upbeat words, and unless your child is actually hurt they won't cry.
Suby 9 months ago
Young children often get upset not because of pain, but because it is an unusual event and they don't know whether it's dangerous. Blood coming from their skin, an insect stinging them, those kinds of things are scary, just like visible illnesses or disabilities in others, because they might think those are contagious. So if the adult calmly explains that the bleeding will stop, the insect bite will sting for a little bit, or that the child can't catch what the other person has, the child will calm down. A bandaid also works wonders for that purpose. If the adult panics and gets upset, the child will assume that something very dangerous is happening.
zzbc6m22fq 9 months ago
For small 'owies', I used to pick up my daughter and say, "Oh, you're ok, sweetie" and re-direct her attention to something out the window, or have her tell me what the dog was doing. When she wasn't thinking about the thing that made her cry, she would stop in a very short time.
#20
The Primacy Effect (you're more likely to remember the first item on a list) and the Recency Effect (you're more likely to remember the last item on a list).
If I'm listing groceries for my husband, I make the most important items into bookends. If I'm talking to the parent of one of my students about their kid's behaviour, I always list good, bad, good. They get the information about the bad, but what they remember about the conversation is how they felt good and saw that I care about their kid.
#21
I had a very strange encounter with a co-worker once. We were on a break, had chatted a bit, the usual mundane, "are you married, etc, do you have kids" and when I said no, she waited, staring at me, for me to continue. Boy did that ever work, the longer she stared the more I babbled, I couldn't stop talking. I'd finish a sentence, she kept staring and I'd start talking again and not because she was politely listening. She was compelling me to talk. I have no idea why she did that, if it was just her way or if she does that to learn things about people but it was the creepiest conversation I have ever had. I'm older now so that wouldn't work on me but it sure was effective at the time.
Casey Tuohey 9 months ago
I wonder how much success this gains in male v female responses. Women of a certain age were conditioned to maintain the flow of conversation and to let a silence go too long was anathema. Now I know, my information is mine. And if I’m not compelled legally to comply, it’s my gift to share.
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 9 months ago
Yeah, at a certain point I, a man, would just ask if there's anything else they wanted to know.
Load More Replies... #22
When something funny happens and people or a person in a group laughs, they will look at the person they like or care about in the group the most to see if they're laughing too. When you notice this it's quite easy to tell who likes who.
CrunChewy McSandybutt 9 months ago
What if they were looking at that person to see who they like?
Beak Hookage 9 months ago
I just contrasted this with that brilliant moment in The Simpsons where they're watching an incredibly lame stand-up routine on TV and Homer glances at the rest of the family to confirm that none of them are laughing before he complains that the show isn't funny.
Beak Hookage 9 months ago
😞 When I was really depressed I stopped singing. It came back eventually, though. One of the signs that I was on the road to recovery. I hope your laugh comes back one day.
Load More Replies... #23
Before a coinflip say "heads i win, tails you lose". do it quick and they wont even notice.
Lisa T 9 months ago
Wait….pretty sure my dad used to say that all the time when I was a kid and never realised lol
Lost Panda 9 months ago
Same, but I finally did realise it when I saw it on TV. Looked over to him, and he busted out laughing.
Load More Replies... Brian Droste 9 months ago
Was told this when I was a child. Didn't figure it out until probably an adult.
#24
If someone says something to you but you don't hear it, then when you ask them to repeat it they say "Nevermind" and sulk, just say,
"Okay." in a totally disinterested manner and go back to whatever it was you were doing. Most of the time, they'll pout for a second, then say something like "What I was *GOING* to say was...".
Casey Tuohey 9 months ago
Some people legit have hearing problems. When they pout to my legit deafness .. sadness. Not my problem. Told you 723 times and drew 12 pictures.
Sally-Ann 9 months ago
"I already told you twice!" "Yes, whilst standing three feet behind me on my bad side with your back to me." Actual conversation I had with a boss repeatedly.
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 9 months ago
Depends on how important it is for them to go back to what they were wanting to say, and if they remember what it was. Sometimes people just want to say a fleeting thought out loud.
Nichole Harris 9 months ago
Or that I'm tired of repeating everything 87 times and you could try paying attention
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#25
Silence. I have found that saying nothing is often the most powerful tool of negotiation. I once sold a car with 350,000 miles on it for my asking price, because when the guy was walking around it and pointing out the flaws I never said a word. He talked and talked, and I never responded. Finally he talked himself right into buying the car. I would have gone down $1500 but he never demanded an answer out of me.
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
Yes! They are the only cars that last with this kind of mileage. Oh and Hondas
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#26
If you want to calm someone down, sympathize with them whilst describing what's upsetting them in descending orders of magnitude.
I understand why you're angry
you're right to be frustrated
This would annoy me too.
As they accept the acknowledgements they want they should also accept the declining emphasis on emotion and become calmer.
Lady Eowyn 9 months ago
In the whole history of calming down, no one has ever calmed down by being told to calm down.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
I keep seeing this but I don’t know why. I cam right the eff down because I’d been getting all up in my head and hearing those words from someone who isn't lathered up about it tells me I’ve gone too far and that I’m unreasonably upset. I actually appreciate it. I won’t even be irritated by twelve morons downvoting me because they don’t like being told to calm down.
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katiekat0214 9 months ago
As a retired teacher, I came to this late, right before I retired, but I thought it was worth it to try. I don't know as a gifted kid if this would work on me; it sounded at first somewhat condescending, like that's what I just said, you don't have to repeat word for word what I just said. But I found it works wonders. I saw students' shoulders come down from around their ears, and their stress, anger, annoyance, frustration just melt away. So many times, they wanted to be heard and validated, and only sometimes did they want a solution. Just hearing and holding space for someone is a powerful tool and way to connect.
Danish Susanne 9 months ago
I am not sure I will remember this, but I hope to be able to, since it benefits the angry one as well as myself.
Beak Hookage 9 months ago
I used this technique all the time in my last job, in which I had to help people who were having IT problems and such. Every single time I would say something like "oh man that sounds so annoying!" Every single time, it put them at their ease. One woman was practically in tears of embarrassment and frustration, convinced the problem couldn't be fixed, but in a few minutes not only had it been fixed but she was smiling and happy. I really loved that job.
Magenta Blu 9 months ago
And this is exactly why I don't talk to people anymore "I understand why you are angry" riiiiiiight. Go fck yourself.
#27
When playing rock, paper, scissors stop right before and ask "without looking, can you tell me what color your shirt is?" and people seem to always pick scissors after. I've done it to maybe 20 people and got the same result every time.
G Bono 9 months ago
Possibly the same reason people will choose the 4 of hearts when given a limited choice of which card to choose. Give them 10 cards with half being black and nothing below a 5, with the exception of the 4 of hearts, and most will pick that card. The only reason they can come up with is it’s not an “intimidating” card
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#28
I don't "give" de-worming medicines to my dog, I put them down on the floor and "take" them from him. I guard them, get between them and him, and tell him not to touch them.
He gulps them down before I can fake-take them from him.
Becky Samuel 9 months ago
Ouch. This is one poorly trained animal. A dog shouldn't be grabbing at food on the floor, and it definitely shouldn't be a battle between you and them, that's a recipe for disaster. What happens when you drop a real medication on the floor? Or a piece of food drops by your feet when you're holding a pan of hot oil or boiling water? It's not difficult to train a dog that food is not theirs until they are given permission.
Jemima Bauer 9 months ago
I give my cat his pills by crushing them into a Churu. I wonder if that would work for a kid by crushing the pills into a spoonful of Nutella.
jonesnori 9 months ago
Some pills shouldn't be crushed, but as long as the pill in question is safe to do that with, that might be a good solution. Or chocolate syrup maybe? Chocolate can cover up a lot of odd flavors.
Load More Replies... Beak Hookage 9 months ago
My rat took a piece of my food, but instead of eating it she stashed it and came back to steal more. So while she was distracted I grabbed the original piece of food and put it back on the plate. She ended up re-stealing the same piece of food about sixteen times and never seemed to catch on.
#29
Many people (I would say most, maybe almost all) are surprisingly susceptible to flattery and being told what they want to hear. People tend to shy away from this strategy, thinking it will be too obvious and clumsy, but just try it. It's as if being flattered or hearing people agree with you gives people a rush of pleasurable hormones to the brain.
Abdullah Abd Rahman 9 months ago
You should give praise or credit where it's due. Flattery is not sincere.
Brittania Kelli 9 months ago
I agree when talking about friends and family, but this is about psychological tricks when dealing with just people in general.
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#30
If you haven't slept well, tell your brain "I slept well". You will feel fresh. It works like miracle.
Want to defeat a narcissist who insults you? Don't react. Just ignore him completely in front of others. It will hurt his image and he will stop poking you.
Want to know if someone is attentive or not? Repeat your sentence with a slight change in it. If he is listening either his facial expression will change or he will point out and question the part.
Want to know a person is lying to fit in a group? Just watch his eyes when he talks, if his eyes seeks validation from others for what he said, then he is pretending. A liar /pretender always seeks validation for his talks to fit in the group.
Giving a presentation ? Always bring a bottle of water to the stage. When you can’t remember what to say, take a drink. Nobody will know the difference.
Lost Panda 9 months ago
The presentation one works. I remember in Airman Leadership School, they told us that or to cover your mouth with your fist to make it look like you were supressing a burp so that you had time to get your bearings.
Just Another Karen 9 months ago
agree with almost everything. i'm autistic and have a lot of problems with looking into people's eyes while talking to them. but i learned that you should look into their eyes, so i trained myself to do it. and sometimes it's awkward haha
#31
When you need someone to wait a moment as you hunt for something, or you're struggling, say "Thank you for your patience" instead of "sorry for the wait"
It subtly strokes their ego and makes them MORE likely to be kind and patient with you, because you've already asserted they're kind and patient people, and denying that would hurt their own self image.
Works with most people, but some are just raging a******s lol.
Brittania Kelli 9 months ago
Yea, this feels like a line call centre workers are trained to use and is empty of meaning. When I've been on hold for half an hour listening to the same song on repeat and you say that line... I'm a bull and you've just waved a red flag.
G Bono 9 months ago
I call BS on this. I am so annoyed with CS reps apologising for wait times or product issues. It’s so condescending and inauthentic. The rep isn’t sorry, and the ones who begin each sentence with an apology are incredibly annoying. Worse, if I ask them to please stop apologising, I’m suddenly a “raging AH” or a Karen (same, I know).
#32
People become what you call them. You treat someone like a monster, they become a monster.
To ensure that someone maintains a certain positive trait, compliment them for it beforehand. People are more likely to follow you if they have your approval, rather than trying to win it. You don't know far people will go when they already have something to lose (a good impression they have on you).
If you want someone to work hard for you, tell them how you admire their work ethic, or how they seem like diligent employees based on their portfolio/resume/recommendations. If you want someone to be nice to your friends, tell them they have a kind face (don't say this to a guy if you're a guy) or say that you heard a lot of good things about them.
Words are immensely powerful. This is also why I never call someone any bad names, even if they deserve it.
#33
If you nod while asking a question people are more likely to say yes. I particularly use this in the restaurant selling drinks. They ask for a beer, I say 'a tall one?' While nodding. About a thirty percent higher success rate than if I weren't nodding.
#34
I'm pretty sure this was a variation on a Derren Brown trick, but me and some friends once won a bunch of money from another friend by 'correctly guessing what card they were thinking of'. All we had to do was keep talking about the 'four clubs' we were planning to go to over the weekend. We were so shocked that it actually worked, and once we broke down and explain how we did it he was so impressed he was fine with losing the bet.
#35
When I was in 6th grade we were playing Heads Up, 7 Up, and I was one of the 7 people who were going around selecting people. When we all went back up to the board the students who had been selected started guessing who had picked them. When the one I had selected was getting ready to guess I started waving my arms and saying "Oh, me, it was me, over here."
He just said "Well I know it's not rainbowdashtheawesom..." and ended up guessing someone else. When the person said no, he asked who it was.
I just shrugged and said "I told you."
It's funny because you learn in Kindergarten that the person who points to him/herself and says it was them is always lying, so I did a bit of reverse psychology to turn the tables.
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 9 months ago
Reminds me of a comedian who shared his trick for ensuring nobody sat next to him on a train as it got busier - he always had a can of super tenants open in front of him, would make eye contact with the new passenger, and then pat the empty seat next to him invitingly.
katiekat0214 9 months ago
I don't know what "super tenants" is, but if a man did this, yuck, super creepy. Hard pass, and no loss to anyone. I'd be worried about assa*lt.
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#36
To get someone to like you more, ask them to do a favor for you like let you borrow a pencil. Benjamin Franklin was a big proponent of this idea.
#37
If I want my cat to jump up for cuddles I first have to act totally disinterested and like I don't care what he does. Works every time.
Danish Susanne 9 months ago
Doesn't work with every cat. My youngest has to be told, that he may come over, before he comes.
Regina Holt 9 months ago
Before years of allergy shots, my friend's cats would always come up to me. I hated that they would come to me, I tried ignoring them, but that just made them bother me more. But, usually if someone comes in and heads right for the cat with outstretched arms, the cat will turn away.
#38
I prepare income taxes in the US. If I know I have a client coming to see me who is going to be upset I will turn a nature sounds station on Pandora and play it softly in my office. My client may be irate when they enter my office, but they always simmer down quickly once they take a seat. I'll take a minute or two to look up something so they have to sit there and listen. By the time they leave they are always very happy and appreciative!
#39
1) Insomnia? Switch the direction of your head and your feet on your mattress. Suddenly, the stress associated with your insomniac perspective of the room, concern about the day ahead, and shame that you always fall asleep an hour before the alarm sounds TOTALLY DISAPPEARS. The light is on a different side. The troughs in the mattress are unfamiliar. The ceiling is different. You can sleep.
2) The "Clinton Thumb" is a nonverbal gesture that emphasizes meaning and sways an audience. Popularized by Bill Clinton in the 1990's, this mini-thumbs-up is a TAUGHT behavior that gives the subconscious both a thumbs-up and points an invisible gun. Whether interpreted as a carrot or a stick, you are meant to recognize power and believe in it.
3) Credibility, visualization, and repetition are amazing tools. Scientist and "memory hacker" Julia Shaw conducted research for her book, "The Memory Illusion" that showed how, when used in sequence, establishing credibility, encouraging visualization, and repeating new inputs are perfect ways of rewriting memories.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 9 months ago
I always did the switching end of the bed as a child. It definitely worked, perhaps I need to try it again!
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
I don't think the insomnia trick would work for me. If I'm tryna get to sleep, I've got my eyes closed, I'm not staring at stuff in the room. Now, if I can't sleep I put on a podcast and tell myself I must stary awake to listen to this very interesting podcast. I'm asleep in half an hour.
#40
If someone has the hiccups, act really nervous and inform them that you have to tell them something. Then say something like, "I've needed to tell you this for a while..." long pause "I'm just not sure how to say it...". Make this go on for a while. Make it really dramatic. After a few minutes, ask them if their hiccups are gone. This method will emotionally scare their hiccups away.
#41
Colour theory is interesting. Different colors affect you different psychologically.
Example: red makes you hungry
Now: notice how many restaurants have red logos.
Bobby McKee 9 months ago
Just because I prefer wearing black doesn't make me scary enough to be feared.
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#42
When you're nervous, chew gum. It tells your mind "chill the f**k out man we got food!!" and the nerves subside a bit. Maybe that's more of a physiological trick than a psychological one but it's still cool.
#43
1. When you want to make someone favor you, try to subtly mimic their movements and posture in a conversation. It creates a false sense of familiarity if you can do it right, but you have to be careful not to get caught doing it on purpose.
2. In an argument avoid shouting or raising your voice. Yes, your opponent might not hear you and end up speaking over you, but if you continue arguing your point in a calm quieter manner, they'll have to stop and actually listen if they want to counter you without looking like a fool, thus they have to pay more attention to what you're saying. This means that not only will they become easier to persuade, but if there any spectators will note you as seeming more sure of yourself and are more likely to back your side as a result.
Lost Panda 9 months ago
The second one all depends... If I tried that with the wife, I'd also be getting yelled at for mumbling XD
#44
While in a conversation with somebody, stare directly at the top of their head, and they will wonder if there is something in their hair or not.
#45
Mimic people's facial expressions as they are talking to you and they start to like you because you're literally reflecting the same feeling back to them.
Also if you don't want to stop and chat but don't want to be rude, say hi really quick but do not stop walking. ESPECIALLY do not stop and wait for them to walk to you, game over.
If you're in a group and you want that person to stop talking, literally turn your body away from them and at someone else, even if you're still engaging them. They'll get to the point and stop. Sitting in a line (Like at a baseball game)? Turn your head 45° toward them to answer but do not turn your body. When they speak back, do not look at them, just listen through that ear.
EDIT: Getting a lot of lash for the last one. I guess I should qualify that it's not my favorite tactic, but it's reserved for "that guy". Now that I re-read it, its kinda b****y. Oops.
#46
I learned this from my primary school principal. When you're angry, raise your voice. When you're *really* angry, lower it.
Michael Largey 9 months ago
I do this automatically without thinking about it. If I'm absolutely furious with you, you may hear a slight trace of an Irish accent in my voice (acquired from my grandparents as a child, I suppose).
#47
Damage control. When I do something wrong I admit partial blame so as i'm not questioned and suspected of full blame. Say as a kid I was allowed 2 biscuits but I instead take 8 (I was a fat kid). I'd admit to taking 4-5. I'm still in trouble but less so.
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 9 months ago
I used to fart a lot as a kid, but I'd own up to it to my friends. Except once in a while I'd say it wasn't me and remind them that I always owned mine, then I'd enjoy watching them argue amongst themselves about who it could have been.
#48
Ask someone “What is the word spelled J-O-K-E”, make sure they actually say the word. Following ask them “What do you call the white part of the egg?”.
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 9 months ago
Omg i read this multiple times and was so confused to what was wrong...
Daria 9 months ago (edited)
they'll probably say the white part is called "yolk" (which is yellow) since it sounds and spells similar to "joke"? idk
Load More Replies... Just Another Karen 9 months ago
in portuguese (br), the yellow part of the egg is called "gema", from the verb "gemer", or "moan" in english. you can ask someone "what is the name of the yellow part of the egg?", the person will tell you it's "gema", you'll moan in an awkward way, person will be embarrassed, you'll laugh
#49
Mirroring is a fantastic one. Just by mimicking the body language and actions of another person instantly makes them feel more relaxed and comfortable with you.
#50
Make people think you are a terrible liar by purposely being caught in goofy small lies. Makes it easier if you ever get into a situation where you are forced to lie.
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
I can't imagine why you would lie about small things so that you can lie about even bigger things
#51
My brother was the master of this. When ever he got in an argument with a topic he couldn't win. He would ever so slightly change what he was arguing until he was arguing something completely different. Nobody would ever notice. Like one time he got in an argument with his girlfriend over him never doing the dishes. By the end of the argument, 45 minutes later, they where fighting over how she usually gets to pick the movie when they go to the movies. I'm just sitting in the next room laughing my a*s off. The girlfriend did the dishes later that night and apparently let him pick the next couple of movies.
Edit. I have received a bunch of messages about how this is not a tactic to use in a healthy relationship. I completely agree. To be clear my brother didn't use it commonly in relationships but this was an example I remembered him doing.
OneHappyPuppy 9 months ago
My dad is a master at this trick. Took me an embarrassingly long time to catch on but when I did ooh boy did things change
#52
Motivational Interviewing is an amazing method, though it shouldn't be used to manipulate others. It's meant to help people find their own solutions to serious problems.
Example: someone says that they really love their boyfriend and that they're going through some tough times in their relationship. They usually have so much fun together but last week they got into an a*****e fight. She defends him because he is going through a lot. You show empathy by saying, that sounds like a bad fight, and that what they're going through is really hard. Reflecting the negative details to them and skipping over any good ones, and only ask them questions about the negative details. The hope is they will slowly realize, on their own, that they're in a dysfunctional relationship and you're helping them explore and resolve ambivalence.
You're intentionally manipulating them by focussing on the bad and ignoring any of the good. The method is to show them empathy, only ask questions about the bad details, and let them draw their own conclusions. Don't give unsolicited advice. This part is key. If you have to give advice, first ask if they want advice. This way when you give it to them they're receptive.
#53
Well this will be lost to the bottom, but here I go any ways.
If some one is hiding something here's how I find out what it is. I ask a series of questions the person can't possibly answer, I give just enough time for them to process the question before I ask the next one. (I.e. What was elvis's middle name? Do you think Napoleon had a favorite philosopher? What is that person wearing?*points over at a general group of people*) Then I ask them what are they hiding. Their brain will so desperately be trying to give me an answer to any of my questions when it finally gets the chance it passes by all of its filters.
Personally I find this method to be manipulative so I only use it in extreme situations. Like if I thought some one was stealing from me, or if I had suspicions that my SO was cheating on me.
Although if you do it very subtly you can convince people to give you something without them thinking about it. Every now and then I'll convince a friend to give me their drink, and then point out that they did to prank them a bit. But then I usually give it back.
#54
1. If somebody is angry at you, Don't shout back. Instead stay calm, listen to what they have to say, tell them you understand why they are upset & are behaving like that. Let them cool down, and you will notice they would instantly apologize, and it will become easier to make them understand your part of the story. The worst thing you can do to someone who is being rude to you is smile, and be nice to them! The guilt will only make their life harder afterwards! And they will constantly keep wondering, why it didn't bother you.
2. If you are too angry and want to control your anger, go and stand in front of a mirror. Works like magic!
3. Feeling depressed? Too much work pressure? Start to clean your room, Organize your desk, or your wardrobe. This will relax your mind and you will be able to focus better.
What do you think ?
Rick Murray 9 months ago
This may be a neurodivergent vs neurotypical thing... I don't like speaking to people in important situations because I like to take time to process what it is that I want to say. So when I was called to see my boss about a situation at work (with someone else), I didn't immediately reply to her question as I wanted to be careful what I actually said. I guess I took too long as she got freaked out by the silence and started to fill it by volunteering more details. I kept silent, trying to assimilate this new information and she kept on going. I think at the end she said way more than she intended and filled in plenty of blanks about the other person's behaviour. Lost for a suitable response I just said "thank you, may I go now?". I think she took that as livid, rather than just confused. But it worked out in my favour, that other person no longer works with me...or there at all. So letting my boss fill the silence was quite revealing.
Lost Panda 9 months ago
My wife uses one on me that I fall for everytime. She starts to say something and will say "nevermind" or "It's not important." My dumb self cannot leave well enough alone and will get sucked into the "no tell me" phase, and then comes the jab below the belt comment.
Isabel Galvez 9 months ago
If a costumer is rude for some reason I pretend I didn't understand and just keep smiling and talking normally. That defuses the situation. It works because I'm a foreigner here and I speak with an accent so they really believe I didn't understand
Simon Chen 9 months ago
Yep, a lot of lifecoach bs wich heard or did read many times before and most of it just does not work in the real world. But everybody feels so clever of they can share their bs wisdom. All this "lifechangeing" advises here are the astrology of our time.
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Khall Khall 9 months ago
Down voting "premium" locked content. Pay walls suck. BP just scrapes reddit and other websites for content. Paying for that is stupid.
Rick Murray 9 months ago
This may be a neurodivergent vs neurotypical thing... I don't like speaking to people in important situations because I like to take time to process what it is that I want to say. So when I was called to see my boss about a situation at work (with someone else), I didn't immediately reply to her question as I wanted to be careful what I actually said. I guess I took too long as she got freaked out by the silence and started to fill it by volunteering more details. I kept silent, trying to assimilate this new information and she kept on going. I think at the end she said way more than she intended and filled in plenty of blanks about the other person's behaviour. Lost for a suitable response I just said "thank you, may I go now?". I think she took that as livid, rather than just confused. But it worked out in my favour, that other person no longer works with me...or there at all. So letting my boss fill the silence was quite revealing.
Lost Panda 9 months ago
My wife uses one on me that I fall for everytime. She starts to say something and will say "nevermind" or "It's not important." My dumb self cannot leave well enough alone and will get sucked into the "no tell me" phase, and then comes the jab below the belt comment.
Isabel Galvez 9 months ago
If a costumer is rude for some reason I pretend I didn't understand and just keep smiling and talking normally. That defuses the situation. It works because I'm a foreigner here and I speak with an accent so they really believe I didn't understand
Simon Chen 9 months ago
Yep, a lot of lifecoach bs wich heard or did read many times before and most of it just does not work in the real world. But everybody feels so clever of they can share their bs wisdom. All this "lifechangeing" advises here are the astrology of our time.
Load More Replies... Khall Khall 9 months ago
Down voting "premium" locked content. Pay walls suck. BP just scrapes reddit and other websites for content. Paying for that is stupid.
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