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Lady Refuses To Babysit 14YO Autistic Nephew Again Or Attend Fam Christmas After He Bites Her
Babysitting nephews and nieces once in a while is often the best way to help out exhausted parents and give them a little time to themselves. Unfortunately, things can take a turn if the child is unruly or leaves the babysitter injured.
This is exactly what a woman faced when her nephew with autism bit her hand for twenty seconds because he was overstimulated. She demanded that her sister lay down the law for him, and was shocked when nothing was done about it, so she refused to babysit the teen again or attend Christmas.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
Children with autism need time and space to recover when overwhelmed and might lash out in such situations
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that her sister was a single mom with two children, and that her teenage son, who had autism, sometimes got violent and angry
Image credits: IGrewUpInTheFallOut / Mumsnet
One time when the woman was babysitting her nephew, he refused to get off his iPad and go to sleep because he was overwhelmed
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The teen bit the poster’s arm for 20 seconds and screamed at her to leave his room, so she quickly exited his space
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When the woman showed her wound to her sister and told her about the incident, she expected some form of punishment, but her sister merely talked to the teen
Image credits: IGrewUpInTheFallOut
The woman told her sister that she didn’t feel comfortable being around her nephew or attending Christmas due to the lack of discipline
The poster explained that since her sister was a single mother, she often helped her out with babysitting her two children. The older boy had autism and used to act out or get quite angry, which is why his mom had made him attend kickboxing classes to regulate himself, and that helped a lot.
According to research, around 68% of individuals with autism spectrum disorder might engage in aggressive behaviors toward their caregivers. This means that their parents or guardians need to take precautions to protect the individual and themselves from harm, and find a way to ground their overwhelming emotions, just like the mom did.
Experts state that the reason why autistic children and teens might express their emotions through aggressive behaviors can be due to anxiety, stress, overstimulation, and even a change in their routine. It might therefore be hard for them to control their emotions and behavior when they are having this kind of meltdown.
That’s why the poster’s sister warned her that the teen was already overwhelmed and that she just needed to get him to go to bed at a reasonable time. Unfortunately, the OP found it tough to do that because the boy wasn’t willing to let go of his iPad and didn’t want to go to sleep at all.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When the poster tried to get him to go to bed, he ended up biting her hand for twenty seconds without letting go, and then screamed at her to get out of his room. This left the woman fearful, and she also told netizens that since he was a bit taller and bigger than her, she didn’t have enough strength to overpower him.
That’s why she was shocked when her sister only talked to the boy instead of disciplining him. The other woman stated that her son had only lashed out because he was feeling overwhelmed and that he couldn’t help what he had done as a result. This made the OP feel extremely annoyed and like her injuries weren’t being taken seriously.
When autistic children lash out like this, therapists state that parents should try to replace their aggressive behavior with more acceptable and safer options. For example, if an autistic kid is hitting their mom to get her attention, she can teach them to tap her shoulder instead to get the desired result. This can help the children learn better ways of dealing with situations instead of acting out.
In this case, since the poster’s sister was unwilling to punish or discipline her son, the OP decided she didn’t want to be around him anymore or even attend their family Christmas party. Obviously, this didn’t go down well with her mom and sister, who felt that she was making a mountain out of a molehill.
Who do you think is right in this situation, and how would you have handled it if you were in the OP’s place? Do share your thoughts in the comments section.
Folks were divided on the issue, with some taking the woman’s side and others feeling that she had overreacted
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What do you think ?
Zoe Vokes 12 hours ago
Police, judges and teachers aren’t going to be so sympathetic if he violently attacks someone and mummy comes to his rescue
Load More Replies...
Sylvain 2 days ago
How is he going to work towards self-control if there's no consequence to bad behavior, just a shrug? Perhaps not the same punishment as another kid, but at least a follow up, explanation, something, to help towards self sufficiency. This is the time to work on it, not when already an adult.
tw 72 2 days ago
With autism, it's hard to say if punishment would have the desired affect. However, opting to NOT be around the child is absolutely justified.
Archanae 1 day ago
As a person with Autism and ADHD, punishment is litteraly the ONLY language I'd understand as a kid. Now as an almost functioning adult, ofc I don't need punishment. But I still need extensive explanations, examples... lots of communication unfortunately, and a reward system. Exhausting...
Load More Replies...
Kate Johnson 2 days ago
So this mom has no plan? Just indulging her son at every turn and making excuses for his behavior? Does she realize that if this happens to someone outside her family she could be sued? The experience of being bitten like that would be traumatic. The sister seems think it's no big deal, which shows how poor her judgement is. Maybe CPS needs to be brought in to help with some more services for this mom and son. Who knows how violent he could become?
Mike F 1 day ago
When she is 70 years old and still trying to control a grown man who is overstimulated and biting HER, you can bet your @ss consequences then. I (myself) would attend Christmas but avoid the nephew like he has plague.
Load More Replies...
Snow_White 2 days ago
Overstimulated...like an animal? So autistic humans have no self control at all and aren't responsible for their actions. Got it.
Andy 2 days ago
Overstimulated is often part of autism. Many people with autism can suffer from hypersensitivity, so what other people would consider normal sound/light etc can send them into overstimulation. However, that being said, he should be learning coping mechanisms to help him deal with overstimulation, he cannot be allowed to continue to lash out.
Load More Replies...
J R 1 day ago
NTA. First of all, for anyone saying, "That's not that bad." Set your timer for 20 seconds. Perhaps OP was estimating the time, perhaps not, but let's take her at her word. That's not a quick impulse, that's a sustained a*****t. He isn't a toddler throwing a fit; he's a 14 year old, and he's capable of seriously harming. Whether you want to use the term "punishment" or "address it," his mom needs to take it seriously because I promise you if he does that to a kid at school, at best he will be in detention or expelled and at worst the other kid's parents will file charges. And no, a stern talk is not "addressing it." Maybe he needs to be grounded. Maybe she needs to take him to a therapist and work on methods to control himself, but if she does not deal with this, then give it 10 years and she'll be explaining to the police officer that it's not a bit deal he hit his coworker. He was just feeling overstimulated.
Big Chungus 2 days ago
My husband is autistic and didn't get proper care or discipline as a child and did end up down some dark paths. Yes, I understand overstimulation and overwhelming feeling when you can't regulate emotions, but there needs to be some sort of routined discipline that is used for bad actions. It is like the classical conditioning experiment where eventually someone with autism will (hopefully) understand enough in terms of what is bad when lashing out and other outlets that can help in a safe way.
Marno C. 16 hours ago
What's with all the people minimizing getting bitten? That is shocking behavior from anyone. I have worked with many people on the spectrum, and, yes, you have to consciously teach many how to deal appropriately with frustration and aggression. You take incidents like this for the warning they are. When grown, the world will NOT accommodate or pass off violent behaviour just because someone has ASD. It is an explanation, not an excuse.
sweet emotion 23 hours ago
If you want to see the rest of your family, you should go to the holiday parties they throw. However, there is no reason whatsoever for you to interract with a person who has physically assaulted you, or even to be in the same room with him. If anyone dares to question or accuse, you say that the holidays are a time of overstimulation and you refuse to risk another attack.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 day ago
It depends on what the pattern is does mom ignore behaviour so she doesn't have to deal with it and that leads to worse behaviour or does she usually have a good sense of how to address things? I don't have autism (I'm a different kind of ND) but I startle really easily. If I don't hear you coming and you touch me, I'll punch or twist or grab as likely as drop to the floor. Punishing me wouldn't have any effect because I've taken all the steps I can to prevent this. I don't read or try to do a complex task that requires concentration if I'm in a position where this might happen, but occasionally it does and a punishment isn't going to make me feel better or worse and it won't stop the reaction. Therapy beta blockers, whatever, it's the result of a brain injury and a stressful childhood. So unless OP is the type that just wants punishment for punishment's sake, trust the sister ror not based on past results and patterns.
Lara Verne 1 day ago
He might be autistic, but it seems that he's capable of understanding how self-control and consequence s work. If his mother constantly overlook bad behaviour, and don't even try to explain her son that it's wrong, it will be worse and worse.
G A 1 day ago
Should not have been allowed to be using devices so late. It's well known they can stop people feeling tired when used late. Poor babysitting. I dont know why she didnt hurt him back though. Its one way for him to learn actions have consequences. I would boycott Christmas and definitely not get him presents. Fvck that beast. You don't make allowances when he is that old. He could be attacking women or children on the street if he finds he gets away with it, and uses his condition as an excuse.
Gracie Mae 20 hours ago
As the grandmother of a child with autism, she is totally over-reacting by not even wanting to spend the holiday with her family. For one, she needs to learn better how to deal with him--it's not easy and there are things she might be able to do to handle the situation better. I do agree with her not babysitting him anymore if she is not comfortable, but again, there are classes she can take to learn more about autism behaviors, etc. I am in the same position ONLY in that it is a concern of mine that my grandchild may have violent tendencies. I am a small, elderly woman & a larger, heavier child could do some damage. I read a lot and watch videos from experts--whatever I can do to help learn and avoid a bad situation with a non-verbal child. "Discipline" takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to an autistic child & you have to learn what works with each child.
Zoe Vokes 12 hours ago
Police, judges and teachers aren’t going to be so sympathetic if he violently attacks someone and mummy comes to his rescue
Load More Replies... Sylvain 2 days ago
How is he going to work towards self-control if there's no consequence to bad behavior, just a shrug? Perhaps not the same punishment as another kid, but at least a follow up, explanation, something, to help towards self sufficiency. This is the time to work on it, not when already an adult.
tw 72 2 days ago
With autism, it's hard to say if punishment would have the desired affect. However, opting to NOT be around the child is absolutely justified.
Archanae 1 day ago
As a person with Autism and ADHD, punishment is litteraly the ONLY language I'd understand as a kid. Now as an almost functioning adult, ofc I don't need punishment. But I still need extensive explanations, examples... lots of communication unfortunately, and a reward system. Exhausting...
Load More Replies... Kate Johnson 2 days ago
So this mom has no plan? Just indulging her son at every turn and making excuses for his behavior? Does she realize that if this happens to someone outside her family she could be sued? The experience of being bitten like that would be traumatic. The sister seems think it's no big deal, which shows how poor her judgement is. Maybe CPS needs to be brought in to help with some more services for this mom and son. Who knows how violent he could become?
Mike F 1 day ago
When she is 70 years old and still trying to control a grown man who is overstimulated and biting HER, you can bet your @ss consequences then. I (myself) would attend Christmas but avoid the nephew like he has plague.
Load More Replies... Snow_White 2 days ago
Overstimulated...like an animal? So autistic humans have no self control at all and aren't responsible for their actions. Got it.
Andy 2 days ago
Overstimulated is often part of autism. Many people with autism can suffer from hypersensitivity, so what other people would consider normal sound/light etc can send them into overstimulation. However, that being said, he should be learning coping mechanisms to help him deal with overstimulation, he cannot be allowed to continue to lash out.
Load More Replies... J R 1 day ago
NTA. First of all, for anyone saying, "That's not that bad." Set your timer for 20 seconds. Perhaps OP was estimating the time, perhaps not, but let's take her at her word. That's not a quick impulse, that's a sustained a*****t. He isn't a toddler throwing a fit; he's a 14 year old, and he's capable of seriously harming. Whether you want to use the term "punishment" or "address it," his mom needs to take it seriously because I promise you if he does that to a kid at school, at best he will be in detention or expelled and at worst the other kid's parents will file charges. And no, a stern talk is not "addressing it." Maybe he needs to be grounded. Maybe she needs to take him to a therapist and work on methods to control himself, but if she does not deal with this, then give it 10 years and she'll be explaining to the police officer that it's not a bit deal he hit his coworker. He was just feeling overstimulated.
Big Chungus 2 days ago
My husband is autistic and didn't get proper care or discipline as a child and did end up down some dark paths. Yes, I understand overstimulation and overwhelming feeling when you can't regulate emotions, but there needs to be some sort of routined discipline that is used for bad actions. It is like the classical conditioning experiment where eventually someone with autism will (hopefully) understand enough in terms of what is bad when lashing out and other outlets that can help in a safe way.
Marno C. 16 hours ago
What's with all the people minimizing getting bitten? That is shocking behavior from anyone. I have worked with many people on the spectrum, and, yes, you have to consciously teach many how to deal appropriately with frustration and aggression. You take incidents like this for the warning they are. When grown, the world will NOT accommodate or pass off violent behaviour just because someone has ASD. It is an explanation, not an excuse.
sweet emotion 23 hours ago
If you want to see the rest of your family, you should go to the holiday parties they throw. However, there is no reason whatsoever for you to interract with a person who has physically assaulted you, or even to be in the same room with him. If anyone dares to question or accuse, you say that the holidays are a time of overstimulation and you refuse to risk another attack.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 day ago
It depends on what the pattern is does mom ignore behaviour so she doesn't have to deal with it and that leads to worse behaviour or does she usually have a good sense of how to address things? I don't have autism (I'm a different kind of ND) but I startle really easily. If I don't hear you coming and you touch me, I'll punch or twist or grab as likely as drop to the floor. Punishing me wouldn't have any effect because I've taken all the steps I can to prevent this. I don't read or try to do a complex task that requires concentration if I'm in a position where this might happen, but occasionally it does and a punishment isn't going to make me feel better or worse and it won't stop the reaction. Therapy beta blockers, whatever, it's the result of a brain injury and a stressful childhood. So unless OP is the type that just wants punishment for punishment's sake, trust the sister ror not based on past results and patterns.
Lara Verne 1 day ago
He might be autistic, but it seems that he's capable of understanding how self-control and consequence s work. If his mother constantly overlook bad behaviour, and don't even try to explain her son that it's wrong, it will be worse and worse.
G A 1 day ago
Should not have been allowed to be using devices so late. It's well known they can stop people feeling tired when used late. Poor babysitting. I dont know why she didnt hurt him back though. Its one way for him to learn actions have consequences. I would boycott Christmas and definitely not get him presents. Fvck that beast. You don't make allowances when he is that old. He could be attacking women or children on the street if he finds he gets away with it, and uses his condition as an excuse.
Gracie Mae 20 hours ago
As the grandmother of a child with autism, she is totally over-reacting by not even wanting to spend the holiday with her family. For one, she needs to learn better how to deal with him--it's not easy and there are things she might be able to do to handle the situation better. I do agree with her not babysitting him anymore if she is not comfortable, but again, there are classes she can take to learn more about autism behaviors, etc. I am in the same position ONLY in that it is a concern of mine that my grandchild may have violent tendencies. I am a small, elderly woman & a larger, heavier child could do some damage. I read a lot and watch videos from experts--whatever I can do to help learn and avoid a bad situation with a non-verbal child. "Discipline" takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to an autistic child & you have to learn what works with each child.
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