Woman Celebrates Her Birthday Even Though It’s On The Same Date As Her Nephew’s 1-Year Death Anniversary, Family Drama Ensues
Everyone grieves differently and at different paces. Losing a loved one is a major shock and it seems like your life as you know it comes to an end. However, the cold hard truth is that… life goes on, as unfair as it sounds.
Even after someone’s passing, eventually, you’ll need to go back to work, pay your taxes, cook food, and move on in some shape or form. It doesn’t mean that you forget about them, but it does mean that the world doesn’t stop turning. Celebrations and parties, however, might be a bit of a sensitive issue in these cases.
A redditor turned to the AITA online community for advice regarding a very sensitive subject. She explained how she had a very low-key birthday celebration on the 1-year anniversary of her nephew’s passing, and how this accidentally led to a lot of hurt feelings. Scroll down to read the full story, in the author’s own words, Pandas. If you’d like to share your thoughts on this highly sensitive subject, you can do so in the comments.
Losing a loved one hurts incredibly badly, and it can take a long while before you even start thinking of moving on
Image credits: profivideos (not the actual photo)
A woman explained what happened when she had a private birthday celebration on the anniversary of her nephew’s passing
Image credits: Webster2703 (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TAMyBDay
The OP explained that she only celebrated with her girlfriend. It was an intimate way to recognize the fact that her birthday even happened. However, the redditor’s family got wind of this after her girlfriend shared a photo of them holding hands on social media. This led to an uproar: the OP was accused of being heartless.
However, many redditors from the AITA community came out in support of the OP. Some opened up about very similar situations that happened when a loved one passed away. Others noted that what the author of the post did was in no way insensitive, and there was nothing to be mad about: a tiny dinner was not a raucous party.
Earlier, psychotherapist Silva Neves kindly shared his thoughts about grieving with Bored Panda.
“Some grieve with a lot of crying and others grieve with being practical, and anything else in between. Not seeing any tears does not mean that people are not grieving. The process lasts as long as it needs to last, there is no time limit,” he explained.
“Usually, grieving diminishes over time, which means that people become less and less upset over time, but some people will never ‘recover’ from grieving, especially those who lost a very important person. Most people learn to live with grief and sad
ness. Significant dates, such as anniversaries, may always be painful,” the psychotherapist said.
“Although there is some common knowledge about grief, such as ‘stages of grief’, a lot of people don’t follow ‘stages’ of grief because grief can be messy and unpredictable. The best way to support someone who is grieving is by sitting with them, listening to them and that’s it,” he said.
“It is also important not to tell people ‘I know how you feel’ because grieving is so unique, nobody can know what another person’s grieving feels like, but perhaps we can imagine how painful it is. A lot of people get a lot of support with grief at the beginning of the loss, but often people stop talking about it after a while,” Silva told us.
“Grieving people usually do appreciate their friends asking about it, even a year later or two years later. Don’t be afraid to ask the question, ‘How are you?’ and allow the grieving person to speak. Ask them for what they need but don’t assume what they need. Sometimes a grieving person might need a hug, but sometimes they may need to sit in silence. Sometimes they may need to be distracted with something else, other times they may want to talk about their pain.”
Here’s what the AITA community had to say on the sensitive subject
This sort of thing has really started to trigger me lately. About a year ago, my sister was about to give birth. We all knew there were going to be complications, so she was supposed to have it at a special hospital in a different city 4 hrs away. Meanwhile, I don't even live there, I live across the country. But there was no father in the picture, and my sis has a touchy relationship with our parents, so she wanted me to be the one in the room with her. I drive out, and I guess with the stress of it all, I ended up getting shingles a few days before she was to be induced. So, I ended up staying at my parents house while they went to the hospital. Baby was fine. Later, I was telling someone about all this, and how I'd been so stressed and in so much pain at that point, I was almost just glad when I got off the road and could just crawl into bed at my mom and dad's. The person basically called me an a-hole for being so selfish about it. Maybe they didn't understand that people with shingles shouldn't be around newborns, idk, but I was like, excuse me? I'm sorry? The world doesn't stop turning just because one person is having a baby. Other people still exist. You can't gatekeep suffering. I was *sick*. It really made me see that just because someone else might be experiencing something terrible, something worse than you, even, it doesn't invalidate your own feelings. They're still yours. Your life is 100% of what *you* experience. If you're going to start comparing yourself to other people just to ask if you're allowed to feel a certain way, you might as well ask if they're allowed to feel the way they do, too. Because it just goes up and up. You might as well compare them to, idk, holocaust victims, or the one person in the world who has suffered the absolute most in life, and nobody else gets to feel anything. That's not how it works. The same thing can be applied to happiness, too. If you can snatch at little pieces of happiness In life, god bless you. And I don't really know what this person was talking about anyway. I basically dropped everything, and put my life on hold for 3 months to go live in another state, and look after someone else's child. And they're going to call me selfish? Incredible.
What a kind thing to do for your family. Don't listen to the negative idiots. You couldn't help getting sick. Hugs Izzy.
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This is nuts. My Dad passed away in March. My son's 18th birthday is next month on my dad's 6 month anniversary. Will I be sad? You bet ya. Am i gonna miss him real bad and be triggered be cause he's not there to see his Grandson turn into a "man" (speaking legal age) Yes. Am I gonna shut down my Son's day and not do our tradition of going to the movies just him and me and throwing him a party because my dad is gone? Absolutely not. I also have my first grand child on the way. (daughter - 21 not son lol) Baby is due next April which is very close to my dad's one year anniversary. Am I torn up he won't be here to see his first great grand child? Yes... in fact I've already cried and will most likely cry some more several times. But does life stop? No I have to keep going for my loved ones still here and in MY beliefs (not forcing anyone here to believe it) I believe my dad is watching over us and sees everything happening, so that brings a bit of comfort.
1st december, my dad will be gone for 22y. I still miss him, I will think about him, that day, and then the day he should have been 65, and Xmas he will be missing again. I have a thought for him, every time I'm listening to a song he loved, when I look at my kids he never met... You will miss your father every step of the way but you are going to walk anyway, and laught, love, sing and dance on the same walk. And you will be both extremly enthousiast carrying your grand child and sad they will not know him. You're right, life goes on, and while we keep going, we keep a little part of them alive with us.
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My sister's death anniversary coincides with some other stuff I have a hard time handling. Grief occurs as it occurs. Focusing on the positive without harming others is the best we can do, I figure.
And grief hits you in the most unexpected places and times. I hate it when this happens in a supermarket. Hiding behind the yoghurt.
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I can kind of relate to this. When I was a senior in high school, my grandmother passed away. It was a very hard time for our entire family. A month later, a classmate of mine passed away and I didn't attend her funeral. I told my parents that I didn't have it in me to attend another funeral so soon and this classmate and I weren't that close anyway. I was essentially called a jerk by a lot of my classmates because I didn't attend my classmate's funeral. I said that it was too soon to be attending another funeral, but my classmates essentially told me that my grandmother was an older lady so her death was not as big of a deal as my classmate's. I really lost trust in my schoolmates at this point.
Wait, what? They think death in your own family is less important than a classmate's you weren't even close with just because your grandmother was old. Was it a class full of narcissists?
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Wow. Have a banger next year. Maybe I AM and a*****e here but seriously. Get into this gig hunties. My son was born an entire 3 months before my brothers girlfriends daughters son was supposed to be born but this woman had the audacity to try and demand that I not bring my son to meet his uncle because her daughter had a stillborn. Full disclosure how long would any of you fine womb baring individuals wait before seeking medical attention if your baby hadn't moved? Would you wait 48 hours? No. So I'm not victim blaming here but you can't gatekeep people being alive while someone you were waiting on just didn't show up.
You may want to realize that her pregnancy might have felt different to her body than you expect based on your experience or knowledge... so an inability to sense movement wouldn't necessarily be a huge deal to her. I've seen experienced nurses not react to their own lack of movement b/c (fill in reasons why). She may also have been advised by a (not great) OB to not worry at first. Judge less, perhaps on *her*, and just be glad your son is with you and intact? ...
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One of my great-grandfather's death day and my birthday is on the same day, does that mean I shouldn't celebrate it? Seriously, I get it's sad that OP's nephew died, his mother can't handle the grief, but OP has every right to celebrate their own birthday. It's not like OP forced their sister to attend the party, it was OP and their girlfriend. People aren't going to stop everything nice in their life because something bad happened in that day; let people celebrate.
My Grandfather died a couple of days before my birthday, you better believe my Grandmother made sure NOT to have the funeral on the day and to fully celebrate it. It was somber of course but she wanted to cling to every bit of positivity she could. Funeral was two days later and frankly she never full recovered, even after a few years, but she still tries to celebrate everything she can.
My mother died the day before my granddaughter’s 1st birthday. We already had the birthday party planned, and it was nice to have some joy after several weeks of my mother being in and out and back in the hospital. I sort of saw it as a circle of life, my mother passing on and my granddaughter celebrating her first birthday. The writer is definitely nta!
NTA. What is it with people, especially family members that think everyone else's wants and needs take second place to theirs? Is she just supposed to give up celebrating her birthday? Isn't it enough that his death will permanently mar her birthdays?
Definitely not the a-hole. My husband’s family never really celebrated his birthday but celebrated his name day. One year I had an Uncle pass away on the morning of name day celebration. Celebration was immediately canceled and all food planned was re-directed to my family in mourning while giving us space, made food for us probably everyday for a few days. Out of respect for my Uncle they have never had a big celebration since he passed. Macedonians do things very differently though. If it was my husband’s birthday, I wouldn’t allow it for too long, but that just isn’t celebrated. I’d rather celebrate my husband’s birthday than his name after being named after some Saint. What was done was very low key, there is nothing wrong with that. I’m sure they will eventually understand, but it’s still very raw to them.
NTA. First of all, different people grieve and process loss differently. Some people want t be alone, and others need other people around and sort of a distraction. OP didn't impose her birthday on anyone, she just went along with a little humble celebration her gf prepared for her. It's sad and tragic that the child died, but OP didn't, her life goes on, and denying herself any happy moment in her life won't do any good to anyone.
I would have said to them, "If this date can mark only sorrow for you, then I guess you are sorry that I was born."
There's no reason not to. It was a quiet birthday meal.
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I'm a mother of 4 (26; 21; 19;17.5) and became a first time "GILF" in January. Unfortunately, my beautiful grandson passed away at almost 3 months of age from SIDS on my 3rd child's 19th birthday. I can't imagine lashing out at my son for celebrating his birthday. And neither of them wished you a happy b-day?! Doll, you don't have to tolerate. I would've replied to their comments wishing myself a hppybhdy. You can snap them back to reality. She might need in-patient treatment. I understand if it happend suddenly, but with cancer, there's time to prepare for death. You're NTA! They both are!!
The death of a child can be especially traumatic because typically it's not supposed to happen (ie death is part of life but we expect it much later in life and we expect our parents will eventually die but we don't expect our children will until after we're gone. - hope that all makes sense what I'm trying to say). So, I can see why this would be especially sensitive for the sister and that her grief might come out sideways. Sometimes, grief does. At the same time, the OP absolutely didn't do anything wrong and was really respectful towards the grief the family was feeling. It can be important to have some joy and not forget our own needs even in a time of grieving in order to buoy us through it. I'm so sorry for all involved and hope all of them find the healing they need.
If you are feeling down, social media is always going to make you feel worse
My son died at the age of 16 after a bycicle accident on the 5th of may 2020. His best friend's (T, now 18)birthday is on the sixth. In 2021 I made a deal with him that from now on, 5 may is a grieving and crying day and 6 may is a partyday. I suprise him on his birthday as if I was my son who would've done it if he was stil alive. T and me, we're close since my son died. So no, absolutely NTA. I know i was relieved my boy didn't leave us on the 6th. Although I will miss him for the rest of my days, life keeps on going and I try to find a way that can combine both grief and happiness.
NTA. Grief is terrible and does terrible things to people. Calmly explain the situation in person, let your family members vent, tell them you love them and your nephew. Don't explain, don't get defensive, stay calm. Your sister's in therapy, which is good! You can even offer to join her, if she wants to rail on you in a safe space, in an environment that's "refereed" by a professional. It takes a long time to go from crying by the hour, to being accepting of the fact (without crying) that your loved one died. Patience and love, but don't be afraid to move on with your life. Your sister, with therapy, will be able to move on too.
OP should be allowed to celebrate her birthday, and also remember the nephew's birthday her way. It is not her fault and she should not have to deal with this the rest of her life. They should also see how it makes her feel that they don't celebrate her birthday. Her family should also be celebrating that she is alive not making her feel bad. OP could set some time aside to go pay respects to the nephew then they can come together to celebrate her birthday. Is that so hard to do?
There is a really easy fix for this one; just don't post it to social media. Of course she should be able to celebrate her birthday with friends, but not every part of your life needs to be public.
Wow, I'm really curious about the downvotes. Would anyone, if you disagree, care to explain your position? EDIT: Also, downvotes aren't for dislikes. It's more for reporting offensive content, and enough of them get users banned. So, if you disagree with something, please explain your position rather than downvoting.
Load More Replies... This sort of thing has really started to trigger me lately. About a year ago, my sister was about to give birth. We all knew there were going to be complications, so she was supposed to have it at a special hospital in a different city 4 hrs away. Meanwhile, I don't even live there, I live across the country. But there was no father in the picture, and my sis has a touchy relationship with our parents, so she wanted me to be the one in the room with her. I drive out, and I guess with the stress of it all, I ended up getting shingles a few days before she was to be induced. So, I ended up staying at my parents house while they went to the hospital. Baby was fine. Later, I was telling someone about all this, and how I'd been so stressed and in so much pain at that point, I was almost just glad when I got off the road and could just crawl into bed at my mom and dad's. The person basically called me an a-hole for being so selfish about it. Maybe they didn't understand that people with shingles shouldn't be around newborns, idk, but I was like, excuse me? I'm sorry? The world doesn't stop turning just because one person is having a baby. Other people still exist. You can't gatekeep suffering. I was *sick*. It really made me see that just because someone else might be experiencing something terrible, something worse than you, even, it doesn't invalidate your own feelings. They're still yours. Your life is 100% of what *you* experience. If you're going to start comparing yourself to other people just to ask if you're allowed to feel a certain way, you might as well ask if they're allowed to feel the way they do, too. Because it just goes up and up. You might as well compare them to, idk, holocaust victims, or the one person in the world who has suffered the absolute most in life, and nobody else gets to feel anything. That's not how it works. The same thing can be applied to happiness, too. If you can snatch at little pieces of happiness In life, god bless you. And I don't really know what this person was talking about anyway. I basically dropped everything, and put my life on hold for 3 months to go live in another state, and look after someone else's child. And they're going to call me selfish? Incredible.
What a kind thing to do for your family. Don't listen to the negative idiots. You couldn't help getting sick. Hugs Izzy.
Load More Replies... This is nuts. My Dad passed away in March. My son's 18th birthday is next month on my dad's 6 month anniversary. Will I be sad? You bet ya. Am i gonna miss him real bad and be triggered be cause he's not there to see his Grandson turn into a "man" (speaking legal age) Yes. Am I gonna shut down my Son's day and not do our tradition of going to the movies just him and me and throwing him a party because my dad is gone? Absolutely not. I also have my first grand child on the way. (daughter - 21 not son lol) Baby is due next April which is very close to my dad's one year anniversary. Am I torn up he won't be here to see his first great grand child? Yes... in fact I've already cried and will most likely cry some more several times. But does life stop? No I have to keep going for my loved ones still here and in MY beliefs (not forcing anyone here to believe it) I believe my dad is watching over us and sees everything happening, so that brings a bit of comfort.
1st december, my dad will be gone for 22y. I still miss him, I will think about him, that day, and then the day he should have been 65, and Xmas he will be missing again. I have a thought for him, every time I'm listening to a song he loved, when I look at my kids he never met... You will miss your father every step of the way but you are going to walk anyway, and laught, love, sing and dance on the same walk. And you will be both extremly enthousiast carrying your grand child and sad they will not know him. You're right, life goes on, and while we keep going, we keep a little part of them alive with us.
Load More Replies... My sister's death anniversary coincides with some other stuff I have a hard time handling. Grief occurs as it occurs. Focusing on the positive without harming others is the best we can do, I figure.
And grief hits you in the most unexpected places and times. I hate it when this happens in a supermarket. Hiding behind the yoghurt.
Load More Replies... I can kind of relate to this. When I was a senior in high school, my grandmother passed away. It was a very hard time for our entire family. A month later, a classmate of mine passed away and I didn't attend her funeral. I told my parents that I didn't have it in me to attend another funeral so soon and this classmate and I weren't that close anyway. I was essentially called a jerk by a lot of my classmates because I didn't attend my classmate's funeral. I said that it was too soon to be attending another funeral, but my classmates essentially told me that my grandmother was an older lady so her death was not as big of a deal as my classmate's. I really lost trust in my schoolmates at this point.
Wait, what? They think death in your own family is less important than a classmate's you weren't even close with just because your grandmother was old. Was it a class full of narcissists?
Load More Replies... Wow. Have a banger next year. Maybe I AM and a*****e here but seriously. Get into this gig hunties. My son was born an entire 3 months before my brothers girlfriends daughters son was supposed to be born but this woman had the audacity to try and demand that I not bring my son to meet his uncle because her daughter had a stillborn. Full disclosure how long would any of you fine womb baring individuals wait before seeking medical attention if your baby hadn't moved? Would you wait 48 hours? No. So I'm not victim blaming here but you can't gatekeep people being alive while someone you were waiting on just didn't show up.
You may want to realize that her pregnancy might have felt different to her body than you expect based on your experience or knowledge... so an inability to sense movement wouldn't necessarily be a huge deal to her. I've seen experienced nurses not react to their own lack of movement b/c (fill in reasons why). She may also have been advised by a (not great) OB to not worry at first. Judge less, perhaps on *her*, and just be glad your son is with you and intact? ...
Load More Replies... One of my great-grandfather's death day and my birthday is on the same day, does that mean I shouldn't celebrate it? Seriously, I get it's sad that OP's nephew died, his mother can't handle the grief, but OP has every right to celebrate their own birthday. It's not like OP forced their sister to attend the party, it was OP and their girlfriend. People aren't going to stop everything nice in their life because something bad happened in that day; let people celebrate.
My Grandfather died a couple of days before my birthday, you better believe my Grandmother made sure NOT to have the funeral on the day and to fully celebrate it. It was somber of course but she wanted to cling to every bit of positivity she could. Funeral was two days later and frankly she never full recovered, even after a few years, but she still tries to celebrate everything she can.
My mother died the day before my granddaughter’s 1st birthday. We already had the birthday party planned, and it was nice to have some joy after several weeks of my mother being in and out and back in the hospital. I sort of saw it as a circle of life, my mother passing on and my granddaughter celebrating her first birthday. The writer is definitely nta!
NTA. What is it with people, especially family members that think everyone else's wants and needs take second place to theirs? Is she just supposed to give up celebrating her birthday? Isn't it enough that his death will permanently mar her birthdays?
Definitely not the a-hole. My husband’s family never really celebrated his birthday but celebrated his name day. One year I had an Uncle pass away on the morning of name day celebration. Celebration was immediately canceled and all food planned was re-directed to my family in mourning while giving us space, made food for us probably everyday for a few days. Out of respect for my Uncle they have never had a big celebration since he passed. Macedonians do things very differently though. If it was my husband’s birthday, I wouldn’t allow it for too long, but that just isn’t celebrated. I’d rather celebrate my husband’s birthday than his name after being named after some Saint. What was done was very low key, there is nothing wrong with that. I’m sure they will eventually understand, but it’s still very raw to them.
NTA. First of all, different people grieve and process loss differently. Some people want t be alone, and others need other people around and sort of a distraction. OP didn't impose her birthday on anyone, she just went along with a little humble celebration her gf prepared for her. It's sad and tragic that the child died, but OP didn't, her life goes on, and denying herself any happy moment in her life won't do any good to anyone.
I would have said to them, "If this date can mark only sorrow for you, then I guess you are sorry that I was born."
There's no reason not to. It was a quiet birthday meal.
Load More Replies... I'm a mother of 4 (26; 21; 19;17.5) and became a first time "GILF" in January. Unfortunately, my beautiful grandson passed away at almost 3 months of age from SIDS on my 3rd child's 19th birthday. I can't imagine lashing out at my son for celebrating his birthday. And neither of them wished you a happy b-day?! Doll, you don't have to tolerate. I would've replied to their comments wishing myself a hppybhdy. You can snap them back to reality. She might need in-patient treatment. I understand if it happend suddenly, but with cancer, there's time to prepare for death. You're NTA! They both are!!
The death of a child can be especially traumatic because typically it's not supposed to happen (ie death is part of life but we expect it much later in life and we expect our parents will eventually die but we don't expect our children will until after we're gone. - hope that all makes sense what I'm trying to say). So, I can see why this would be especially sensitive for the sister and that her grief might come out sideways. Sometimes, grief does. At the same time, the OP absolutely didn't do anything wrong and was really respectful towards the grief the family was feeling. It can be important to have some joy and not forget our own needs even in a time of grieving in order to buoy us through it. I'm so sorry for all involved and hope all of them find the healing they need.
If you are feeling down, social media is always going to make you feel worse
My son died at the age of 16 after a bycicle accident on the 5th of may 2020. His best friend's (T, now 18)birthday is on the sixth. In 2021 I made a deal with him that from now on, 5 may is a grieving and crying day and 6 may is a partyday. I suprise him on his birthday as if I was my son who would've done it if he was stil alive. T and me, we're close since my son died. So no, absolutely NTA. I know i was relieved my boy didn't leave us on the 6th. Although I will miss him for the rest of my days, life keeps on going and I try to find a way that can combine both grief and happiness.
NTA. Grief is terrible and does terrible things to people. Calmly explain the situation in person, let your family members vent, tell them you love them and your nephew. Don't explain, don't get defensive, stay calm. Your sister's in therapy, which is good! You can even offer to join her, if she wants to rail on you in a safe space, in an environment that's "refereed" by a professional. It takes a long time to go from crying by the hour, to being accepting of the fact (without crying) that your loved one died. Patience and love, but don't be afraid to move on with your life. Your sister, with therapy, will be able to move on too.
OP should be allowed to celebrate her birthday, and also remember the nephew's birthday her way. It is not her fault and she should not have to deal with this the rest of her life. They should also see how it makes her feel that they don't celebrate her birthday. Her family should also be celebrating that she is alive not making her feel bad. OP could set some time aside to go pay respects to the nephew then they can come together to celebrate her birthday. Is that so hard to do?
There is a really easy fix for this one; just don't post it to social media. Of course she should be able to celebrate her birthday with friends, but not every part of your life needs to be public.
Wow, I'm really curious about the downvotes. Would anyone, if you disagree, care to explain your position? EDIT: Also, downvotes aren't for dislikes. It's more for reporting offensive content, and enough of them get users banned. So, if you disagree with something, please explain your position rather than downvoting.
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