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Everyone has their own vision of what the holidays should be, and for families, the important thing is to respect each other’s boundaries while enjoying their time together.
But Reddit user Pure_Dragonfly_8960 claims his brother and sister went behind his back and contacted their biological father, who abandoned them years ago—not that he had been a good parent before that, either.
Even more, they invited the man for Christmas dinner, which our Redditor was getting ready to host. So he kicked out his siblings and canceled the whole thing altogether. And while it initially felt like the correct decision, the flood of texts that quickly followed started planting doubts in his mind.
RELATED:
Sometimes, as much as we try to make the holidays special for our family, they still find a way to complicate things
Image credits: annagorbenko/Envato (not the actual photo)
Which is exactly what happened to this man as he prepared to host his siblings for Christmas dinner
Image credits: Image-Source/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pure_Dragonfly_8960
Estrangement is not uncommon
According to a recent survey from The Harris Poll, about half of U.S. adults are currently estranged from at least one close relation (i.e., a family member or friend).
Of those, 35% are estranged from an immediate family member, such as a parent or sibling. A third (34%) report being estranged from an extended family member, such as a grandparent or cousin. A quarter (27%) say the same for a member of their chosen family (e.g., a close friend or family connection).
Similar to this case, people who are estranged from a relative most often cite interactions with family members as the root cause. Two in five (41%) report that estrangement occurred due to a specific action taken by the relative, while fewer (9%) cite a specific action taken personally. Another two in five (39%) cite family dynamics as the root cause.
A large majority (80%) of people with estranged relations limit their direct interactions with the person, with two-thirds (68%) completely ending personal communication. About half (47%) go even further and actively prevent the two of them from even having the opportunity to interact, such as blocking or unfollowing on social media (34%) or restricting communication channels (30%), like deleting phone numbers or blocking emails.
However, only a fifth (21%) exclude estranged relatives from family gatherings.
Image credits: EyeEm/Freepik (not the actual photo)
Generally, people shouldn’t be forced to reconnect with family before they’re ready
“When an adult child cuts off contact for years, it is rarely about one argument alone,” says New York-based therapist Sahaj Kaur Kohli.
And before his siblings begin to advise our Redditor on what to do, here’s a list of things Kohli believes people in their position should refrain from:
- Don’t minimize what happened;
- Don’t pressure them to reconnect solely for the sake of “family”;
- Don’t repeatedly contact them to explain yourself;
- Don’t use other people as emotional leverage.
“When someone feels hurt, the fastest way to lose them is to tell them they ‘shouldn’t’ feel that way,” adds Kohli, author of But What Will People Say?: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures.
As people started responding to his story, the man revealed more information in the comments
And most people said they understood his reaction
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What do you think ?
ABC NrTen FCK CENSORISM 5 days ago
dіed, аsshоle, fսck up, dіed, dіed, fսck, deаd, fսcks - here you go, that's the swearwords from the original post. FՍCK YOUR USELESS CENSORISM, BP.
Skogsrået 5 days ago
True story or not, your home is supposed to be your safe spot. Imagine the people around you that are supposed to have your back would invite your archenemy into your safe spot. To your home.
Taibhse Sealgair 5 days ago (edited)
Sounds like OP's mom tried to locate deadbeat dad to collect on the child support but he made himself unfindable. Not sure where OP is, but my understanding is that in most (all?) of the US child support obligations don't just "go away" because mom passed. They're for the children, not the mother. OP could've allowed him to come then had him arrested for failure to pay. Once in custody that money is still owed and could've been collected.
Load More Replies...
KatSaidThat 5 days ago
Why do people think xmas is a time to make up with people who a****d you? Why do people think they can force you to have a relationship with your a****r when you are an adult. Nope, OP, people don't change and it is inevitable that he will a***e them in one way or another. Also, if he wanted a relationship now, HE should have reached out starting with an apology and then be reminded of why he is persona non grata.
Janissary35680 5 days ago
To answer the "Why do people think xmas is a time to...?" question, too many people watch too many Hallmark Christmas movies.
Load More Replies...
Tabitha 4 days ago (edited)
Oh let’s see. S***m Donor (SD) no longer has any kids he knows of who are underage and therefore require paying child support for, so now he makes his appearance in their lives to play Father. Is he out of money? Is he homeless? Is he sick and looking for free nursemaids? You know d****d well he isn’t making this appearance out of contrition for past bad behavior, he’s there to assuage his own guilt, if he has any, and to take advantage of—-and once again a***e—-his children. A master manipulator, he’s played on the wish for a father that the younger kids, who have no memory of his a***e toward their mother and older sibling, so he can use them up, again, and throw them out, again, when he’s bitten what he’s after, gotten tired of keeping up the charade, the facade of Father that is the diametrically opposite of his real self. The younger siblings will see the monster he really is peeking through soon enough. I just hope it’s it too late for the siblings to repair the damaged relationship with OP when the cracks in “Daddy’s” mask start appearing and his actual personality starts showing itself.
Jessica Daus-Warner 5 days ago
NTA. They knew it would anger you and did it anyways. Sharing a last name doesn't make you family. Actions do.
Robyn Hill 4 days ago
Wonder when dear old dad is going to hit them up for a body part, or money?
Kate Johnson 4 days ago
This is beyond disgusting. You don't surprise someone at the holidays with their worthless POS a*****e father and expect them to play happy family unless you're just too stupid to be in relationship with other humans. Hope they enjoy their relationship with the deadbeat, who likely has looked them up to ask for money, at the expense of their relationship with their brother, who had sacrificed so much for them. I'm sure he's done with all that now.
DC 5 days ago
Oh my, oh my ... where to start...? This is something else from finding a long lost, dearly loved Dad who was, uh, say, imprisoned in some atrocious dictatory like Russia or so, this isn't enabling a trip for a deeply missed relative who can't afford - this is betrayal, this is not only braking trust, but easily may devolve into it's pulverization. Them sibling seem dumb, and they seem to double down instead of taking a little brake in order to rethink their attempts to thought that lead to where they are. May be the heat of the moment, and may be they see it clearer a day or two later, but they need to apologize to their brother, and maybe to their father as well, but that's not mine to call. Do they not understand that and why their brother has no interest in their father? Is it hard to understand that missing people whom you have exactly no positive memory about isn't exactly reasonable, or easy, or right, or even possible?
RamiRudolph 5 days ago
Absolutely understandable. The new partner of my mom is a complete ásshole. I haven't seen him for years, thank god, but if he would suddenly show up at a meet-up, I would be outta there asap.
Leslie Benker 3 days ago
I have a younger sister that tried something similar with our mom. She doesn't remember the hell that woman put us through. I being the oldest remember everything and I finally had to cut my sister off and that was about 15 years ago. She always sings our mom's praises, let her move into her house with her and her family and says but she has changed so much. But like I told my sister our mom allowed all 3 of her daughters to be s******y a****d by two different family members and wouldn't do a d**n thing because "you don't put family in jail". My mom's exact words. And my a****r's mom was always giving my mom money and paying her bills. So, if she would have turned in my cousin all that money would have disappeared. And my sister just didn't and doesn't understand why I cut off all that side of the family. So, I had to cut her out as well. So, I totally get and understand why he threw them out and may be time to cut them off for awhile for his own peace of mind.
ABC NrTen FCK CENSORISM 5 days ago
dіed, аsshоle, fսck up, dіed, dіed, fսck, deаd, fսcks - here you go, that's the swearwords from the original post. FՍCK YOUR USELESS CENSORISM, BP.
Skogsrået 5 days ago
True story or not, your home is supposed to be your safe spot. Imagine the people around you that are supposed to have your back would invite your archenemy into your safe spot. To your home.
Taibhse Sealgair 5 days ago (edited)
Sounds like OP's mom tried to locate deadbeat dad to collect on the child support but he made himself unfindable. Not sure where OP is, but my understanding is that in most (all?) of the US child support obligations don't just "go away" because mom passed. They're for the children, not the mother. OP could've allowed him to come then had him arrested for failure to pay. Once in custody that money is still owed and could've been collected.
Load More Replies... KatSaidThat 5 days ago
Why do people think xmas is a time to make up with people who a****d you? Why do people think they can force you to have a relationship with your a****r when you are an adult. Nope, OP, people don't change and it is inevitable that he will a***e them in one way or another. Also, if he wanted a relationship now, HE should have reached out starting with an apology and then be reminded of why he is persona non grata.
Janissary35680 5 days ago
To answer the "Why do people think xmas is a time to...?" question, too many people watch too many Hallmark Christmas movies.
Load More Replies... Tabitha 4 days ago (edited)
Oh let’s see. S***m Donor (SD) no longer has any kids he knows of who are underage and therefore require paying child support for, so now he makes his appearance in their lives to play Father. Is he out of money? Is he homeless? Is he sick and looking for free nursemaids? You know d****d well he isn’t making this appearance out of contrition for past bad behavior, he’s there to assuage his own guilt, if he has any, and to take advantage of—-and once again a***e—-his children. A master manipulator, he’s played on the wish for a father that the younger kids, who have no memory of his a***e toward their mother and older sibling, so he can use them up, again, and throw them out, again, when he’s bitten what he’s after, gotten tired of keeping up the charade, the facade of Father that is the diametrically opposite of his real self. The younger siblings will see the monster he really is peeking through soon enough. I just hope it’s it too late for the siblings to repair the damaged relationship with OP when the cracks in “Daddy’s” mask start appearing and his actual personality starts showing itself.
Jessica Daus-Warner 5 days ago
NTA. They knew it would anger you and did it anyways. Sharing a last name doesn't make you family. Actions do.
Robyn Hill 4 days ago
Wonder when dear old dad is going to hit them up for a body part, or money?
Kate Johnson 4 days ago
This is beyond disgusting. You don't surprise someone at the holidays with their worthless POS a*****e father and expect them to play happy family unless you're just too stupid to be in relationship with other humans. Hope they enjoy their relationship with the deadbeat, who likely has looked them up to ask for money, at the expense of their relationship with their brother, who had sacrificed so much for them. I'm sure he's done with all that now.
DC 5 days ago
Oh my, oh my ... where to start...? This is something else from finding a long lost, dearly loved Dad who was, uh, say, imprisoned in some atrocious dictatory like Russia or so, this isn't enabling a trip for a deeply missed relative who can't afford - this is betrayal, this is not only braking trust, but easily may devolve into it's pulverization. Them sibling seem dumb, and they seem to double down instead of taking a little brake in order to rethink their attempts to thought that lead to where they are. May be the heat of the moment, and may be they see it clearer a day or two later, but they need to apologize to their brother, and maybe to their father as well, but that's not mine to call. Do they not understand that and why their brother has no interest in their father? Is it hard to understand that missing people whom you have exactly no positive memory about isn't exactly reasonable, or easy, or right, or even possible?
RamiRudolph 5 days ago
Absolutely understandable. The new partner of my mom is a complete ásshole. I haven't seen him for years, thank god, but if he would suddenly show up at a meet-up, I would be outta there asap.
Leslie Benker 3 days ago
I have a younger sister that tried something similar with our mom. She doesn't remember the hell that woman put us through. I being the oldest remember everything and I finally had to cut my sister off and that was about 15 years ago. She always sings our mom's praises, let her move into her house with her and her family and says but she has changed so much. But like I told my sister our mom allowed all 3 of her daughters to be s******y a****d by two different family members and wouldn't do a d**n thing because "you don't put family in jail". My mom's exact words. And my a****r's mom was always giving my mom money and paying her bills. So, if she would have turned in my cousin all that money would have disappeared. And my sister just didn't and doesn't understand why I cut off all that side of the family. So, I had to cut her out as well. So, I totally get and understand why he threw them out and may be time to cut them off for awhile for his own peace of mind.
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