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Woman Refuses To Look After BIL’s Grandma, Fumes When He Moves Her In Without Asking
Every family has that one person who somehow becomes the unofficial caregiver, tech support, babysitter, and life coach all rolled into one. You leave home for ten minutes and suddenly you’ve been volunteered to host Thanksgiving and take in someone’s elderly relative. It’s practically a family tradition.
That’s exactly what happened to today’s Original Poster (OP), who found herself in an impossible situation. While her grandmother already lived with her family, her sister’s husband decided to add his grandmother to the mix, expecting her to take care of her as well. However, when she refused and made a threat, it left her sister furious.
More info: Reddit
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Picture living your normal life, keeping your household running smoothly, and suddenly, someone decides it’s a great idea to temporarily move in a new family member
Image credits: Benjamin Brunner / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author and her brother take care of their grandmother, who moved in with the rest of the family because she can no longer manage her own house
Image credits: throwawayac437
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Seven months after her sister’s husband moves in, he suggested bringing his grandmother to live with them and assumed the author will care for her
Image credits: throwawayac437
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
She refused, citing the grandmother’s strict medical needs, diet, and personal care requirements, with her dad and brother backing her up
Image credits: throwawayac437
Despite her refusal, the brother-in-law showed up with his grandmother, prompting her to threaten calling Adult Protective Services if left responsible
For years, the OP and her older brother had been caring for their 60-year-old grandmother, who moved in with the rest of the family when maintaining her own house had become too difficult. The arrangement worked and they did everything to ensure their grandmother was well taken care of.
Then, the OP’s sister’s husband started commenting on how nice their grandma’s life seemed compared to his own grandmother’s, and suggested that his grandmother should move in too. Without asking anyone, the sister decided her husband’s grandma could just share a room with their grandmother. She even volunteered the OP to handle the caregiving all without consulting the OP.
She refused, pointing out that the brother-in-law’s grandmother’s medical needs were far beyond what she could safely handle, and her dad agreed and backed her up. This refusal didn’t sit well with the brother-in-law, who later showed up with his grandmother’s bags and blankets, claiming she’d been “kicked out” of where she was and would only stay for a few days.
The OP stood firm, telling him he’d need to take time off work to care for her himself, but her sister insisted it would just be a “trial run”, and this was where the OP made it clear that if they tried to leave the grandmother in her care, she’d call APS. Her sister, furious, called her a jerk for refusing to help. Naturally, this left the OP wondering if she really was wrong for not wanting to take care of her brother-in-law’s grandmother.
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Family caregivers typically face a wide range of pressures that can significantly affect their overall well-being. Care Link highlights that these strains are not limited to one area, rather they include emotional issues, such as stress and anxiety from constant responsibility, physical demands from daily caregiving tasks, and financial burdens related to medical costs or reduced work hours.
Besides, caring for a healthy older adult is very different from supporting someone with medical needs, which could explain why the OP was opposed to taking in the brother-in-law’s grandmother with health issues. Decent notes that healthy older adults can perform most daily activities on their own and benefit from encouragement to stay active, and to maintain social engagement and preventive care.
In contrast, older adults with significant health conditions need more intensive support, and their care often involves managing multiple medications, coordinating with healthcare providers, and monitoring for complications. This specialized care therefore demands both medical knowledge and careful attention to ensure their well-being and safety.
In this case, saying no to family obligations then involves balancing ethical considerations with personal boundaries. According to Epoché Magazine, family duties are often moral rather than absolute, meaning they require thoughtful discretion rather than automatic compliance and should be carefully considered before venturing into it.
Netizens supported the OP, emphasizing that she was not obligated to care for her sister’s husband’s grandmother. They stressed that the brother-in-law and sister were overstepping boundaries and that the grandmother’s needs were beyond what the OP could safely handle.
What do you think about this situation? Do you think the OP was right to refuse, or should family always step in? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens focused on the entitlement and manipulation displayed by the author’s brother-in-law, criticizing him for assuming she would automatically take responsibility
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What do you think ?
Tabitha 4 months ago (edited)
Note the timing of BIL’s mother getting “kicked out”. Right when Dad is out of town on business. Not when he’s there to tell him to go kick rocks, but when he’s not there. OP should contact her father ASAP and give him a heads up on BIL’s little game, then call APS on him. His mother is way worse off than grandma, and needs special care. I bet you anything, he wants to move her into his rent free place so he can save the cost of the assisted living facility, and probably to cash her Social Security checks for himself. Yeah, Dad needs to boot his scheming a*s out of the house ASAP.
Lee Gilliland 4 months ago
I don't think she got kicked out of anywhere, I think BaiL wants to dump her on OP and collect Grandma's social security without questions being asked.
J R 4 months ago (edited)
NTA. You notice the BIL isn't willing to care for his own grandma, and the older sister isn't willing to do it. They just want to volunteer others' services. I do feel bad for both grandmas. OP's grandma needed to deal with a surprise roommate, while BIL's grandma likely was lied to by the BIL and may not be capable of making arrangements for her own living spaces. What makes this worse is that you often can't just get a place at a care home like a hotel. If BIL cancelled the living arrangement, his grandma might have nowhere to go back to. She (or more liklely BIL) would need to find a new facility. The financial arrangement might not be as beneficial as the one she had. In some cases, aid might need to be reapplied for. He screwed her over.
Tabitha 4 months ago (edited)
Note the timing of BIL’s mother getting “kicked out”. Right when Dad is out of town on business. Not when he’s there to tell him to go kick rocks, but when he’s not there. OP should contact her father ASAP and give him a heads up on BIL’s little game, then call APS on him. His mother is way worse off than grandma, and needs special care. I bet you anything, he wants to move her into his rent free place so he can save the cost of the assisted living facility, and probably to cash her Social Security checks for himself. Yeah, Dad needs to boot his scheming a*s out of the house ASAP.
Lee Gilliland 4 months ago
I don't think she got kicked out of anywhere, I think BaiL wants to dump her on OP and collect Grandma's social security without questions being asked.
J R 4 months ago (edited)
NTA. You notice the BIL isn't willing to care for his own grandma, and the older sister isn't willing to do it. They just want to volunteer others' services. I do feel bad for both grandmas. OP's grandma needed to deal with a surprise roommate, while BIL's grandma likely was lied to by the BIL and may not be capable of making arrangements for her own living spaces. What makes this worse is that you often can't just get a place at a care home like a hotel. If BIL cancelled the living arrangement, his grandma might have nowhere to go back to. She (or more liklely BIL) would need to find a new facility. The financial arrangement might not be as beneficial as the one she had. In some cases, aid might need to be reapplied for. He screwed her over.
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