Babies, the blabbering bundles of bliss! What our lives would be without their fat cannoli legs, bald oddly-shaped heads, hilariously tiny chubby fingers, the softest butts imaginable, and a stream of subconscious gibberish pouring from their toothless mouths? Probably sleeping soundly through the night, not scrubbing off puke from our favorite T-shirts, and not stepping into puddles of unknown origin with our warmest plushie socks. This duality of human babies and the inherently different likes and dislikes shared with their adult life-givers (starting with the love and hate for naps and ending with favorite foods) are the greatest conflicts known for any scriptwriter, movie director, and jokester. Thus, there’s no surprise that jokes dedicated to babies are aplenty and are simply the greatest. At least to the parents, because babies haven’t declared their positions on the matter as of yet, and we cannot speak in their place.
So, baby jokes - some are dedicated to their creepy laughs, others to their sense of fashion, and of course, there are the ones talking about their eating habits. However, you must believe that all these baby puns and jokes definitely came straight out of somebody’s experience of raising their spawn, so besides being funny, they are also good material on what to expect when you have your own tiny human. Unimaginably, it is not all fun and games! Who could’ve thought?!
Anyway, prepare to laugh rambunctiously at the hilarious jokes you’re about to find just a couple of inches below. Just be sure to contain it if you have a soundly sleeping baby next to you, or he’ll be the one that’s bellowing but for slightly different reasons than you. After you’re done skimming through these funny baby jokes, vote for the ones that hit closest to home and share this article with your friends!
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The nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.” “No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”
A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear. Unless it is 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
I sat next to a baby on a 10-hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
That happened to me on a long flight. About 2 hours in, I asked the mother if I could hold the baby. She looked scared at first, until I asked, "where am I going to go?" She smiled wanly, handed him to me, and less than 2 minutes later he was sound asleep.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Just in case you're confused, it's this: Because if you've seen Juan (one) you've seen Amal ('em all).
What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over? Bison!
A couple is having a baby soon. After learning they’re having a boy, the husband says, “Let’s name him Pete!” But the wife says, “Honey, we’re having twins.” The husband replies, “Well, we can call the second one RePete.”
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after she finishes college.
What’s another name for a baby adoption center? The stork market.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby. For instance: my name, my address, telephone number.
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?” His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.” Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”
Why did the baby crawl across the street? He saw the one object you told him he couldn’t play with.
Random person to a parent holding two babies: "Hey! Are those twins?" Parent: "Triplets, actually. I just leave the ugly one at home."
What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.
Did you know you can get a wooden car seat? It comes with a sign that says, “Baby on Board.”
Do you know why babies born on holidays are more than likely to be little girls?Because there is no mail delivery on holidays.
What do babies usually play in a band? They play guitars hooked up to 'Waah! Waah! Pedals'.
Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man? Data.
Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid? Manuel.
What did the fire say to her husband after their son’s birth? “Honey… this is Arson.”
What did Frosty the Snowman and his partner put over their baby’s crib? A snowmobile!
Depending on how you interpret this joke, it's either cute or it's super dark.
“I don’t always drink milk. But when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.” — The Most Interesting Baby in the World.
My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord. He had really grown attached to it.
How do storks deliver babies? They deliver them stork naked.
A German couple has a baby... For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”
A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”
Why did the man bring his pregnant wife a small lizard? She told him to pick up a baby monitor.
Why didn’t the baby want to be born? Because it didn’t want to give up its free womb and board!
What’s a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy infantry.
What would you call a baby who's a stand-up comedian? A kidder.
What social media app helps babies fall asleep by playing monotonous and long-winded conversations? Napchat.
Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m." Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."
There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why? It was the delivery.
What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box? "That's one huge bowel movement."
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t!" Can’t!” “Doctor, what’s going on?” asked the concerned father-to-be. “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
I think the hospital accidentally switched our babies at birth… They’re identical twins, so it’s hard to be sure.
I rushed to the hospital when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak… Apparently all newborns are like that.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the road. Baby Tomato starts to lag behind. Papa Tomato becomes angry, goes up to Baby Tomato, squeezes him, and says, “Catch up!”
What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza? “It’s not delivery; it’s DiGiorno!”
Mom: “You’re growing up now, so you don’t need a bottle all the time.” Baby: “I could say the same to you, mother.”
Why did the baby monster ask his father to stand in the freezer? Because he wanted a frozen pop!
Parenting is mastering the art of a one-minute-poop and a half-a-minute shower! Yes, and even the art of forgetting when you showered last!
What do you tell someone if they ask you if they should have babies after 40? I'd say, "No, 40 babies are more than enough."
Did you hear about the lady that recently had a sea section? I heard that she had a bouncing baby buoy.
What would you call it if you crossed a basketball with a newborn snake? It'd be a bouncing baby boa.
Parent #1: "Why is there a strange baby in the crib?" Parent #2: "You told me to change the baby."
What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles? Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins. I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”
Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth? Because littering is a crime.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl. They named her Paige, and they just couldn’t put her down.
Did you hear about the guy who played poker with his friends and gambled his newborn son? His friends now realize that they might need to raise him.
What would you do if someone asked you to tell a pun about an unvaccinated baby? "I know I shouldn't say it, but I'll still give it a shot."
What social media site helps babies find other babies to go on playdates with? Tindergarden.
Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?” Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?” Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”
The moment baby falls asleep… The phone rings, the siblings fight, the door slams, and the dogs bark. Never fails!
Why did the infant go on a diet? She wanted to lose her baby fat.
Why was the baby drop of ink crying? His mom was in the pen, and he didn’t know how long her sentence was.
Between Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger, and their baby, who's the biggest? Their baby, because she's a little bigger.
Why did the baby candy put her dad in the freezer? Probably because she wanted an ice pop.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
My mum loses it when I tickle my baby brother's feet. It's something about waiting until he is born or whatever.
As I moved my hand up her leg I said, "Baby, your legs are the sauce. I'm going to name them Sweet and Sour." And then I discovered they came with McNuggets.
Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time. But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.
My wife is having a baby with another man, she says it's a grudge baby... Someone had it in for me.
Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s newborn daughter? It’s a little niche.
My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand. He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. And I thought I might have to raise him.
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.” The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”
The best part of parenting is the day you realize that you have become everything that you hated about your parents!
Do you like your new baby sister? She’s all right. Do you play with her? No, and we can’t even send her back because she’s been here more than 28 days.
Babies are not at all complicated because they have only three moods: crying, finished crying, and just about to cry.
Can you remember what you called your security blanket back when you were little? Not really, I am drawing a blankie.
What would you say to someone with a new baby? I'd say, "What happened to the old one?"
Why was a baby drop of ink weeping? Because her dad was in a pen, and she didn't know the duration of his sentence.
What did the mom snake say to her crying baby snake? She told him to quit crying and viper his nose.
Why did the new mom demand a wage from the hospital? Because she wanted them to compensate her for the labor.
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never drop a bag of cocaine.
A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes. And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.
I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie. The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy.
I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed. It must have come out wrong.
Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors poor people?” Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?” Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”
My partner is so negative… I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag… But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How many infants does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just points at it and cries until his caregiver does it for him.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky? I guess you can say the baby was airborne.
Have you heard about the lady that traveled to the ocean when she was having her baby? She probably needed a sea section.
Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a watch? The doctor told the parents to give the baby some Epsom salts, which should help him pass the time.
My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son... but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby.
How did the baby almost get her and her mom kicked out of the crowded theater? She yelled, “pacifier!”
