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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Walking Away After My Boyfriend Said I “Passed His Tests” And Should Be Grateful?
User Submission
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend “Leo” (28M) for a little over a year. Until recently, I thought we had a healthy, supportive relationship. We met through friends, slowly got closer, and it felt like we were both serious about a future together. About two months ago, he told me that he wanted me to move in with him when his lease renewed this winter. I was honestly excited. I had been thinking the same thing, and it felt like a natural next step.
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But everything fell apart because of something he said during what I now call “the worst dinner of my life,” period
Image credits: Jay Wennington (not the actual photo)
For context, Leo has always described himself as “observant” and “analytical.” He works in data science and loves talking about behavioral patterns, predictability, and personality studies. I always thought it was just harmless quirky enthusiasm.
Over the last few months, I noticed strange situations popping up in our relationship. At first, they felt random
Image credits: Luke van Zyl (not the actual photo)
For example:
• One time he got “locked out” of his apartment on a freezing night and asked if he could stay with me, even though his roommate was home.
• Another time he called me crying, saying his car had been towed, only for it to mysteriously appear exactly where he parked it when I showed up to help.
• He kept bringing up hypothetical questions like “If I lost my job tomorrow, how long would you stay by my side” or “How do you respond when people disappoint you unexpectedly.”
I assumed he was just dealing with stress. I never pushed because he tended to shut down when overwhelmed.
Now back to the dinner. We went to this upscale restaurant to celebrate my promotion at work. The evening was perfect until he asked again if I was ready to move in
Image credits: Dan DeAlmeida (not the actual photo)
I said yes, but I wanted to talk through logistics first, like splitting chores and bills. Instead of reacting normally, he smiled in this weird proud way and said, “I knew you were ready. You passed almost all my tests.”
I thought he was joking. I even laughed.
He was not joking.
He proceeded to tell me, calmly and confidently over dessert, that he had been “evaluating my long-term compatibility” by staging situations to see how I reacted to stress, inconvenience, and emotional pressure
Image credits: Alev Takil (not the actual photo)
He admitted that the fake breakdowns, the fake emergencies, and even some arguments were all orchestrated so he could “verify my partner reliability under unpredictable circumstances.” He said he did it because “data always reveals the truth.”
He genuinely believed this was normal relationship behavior.
I sat there completely numb. When I asked if he understood why this was messed up, he got annoyed and said he was being responsible. He told me relationships fail because people do not “measure before committing.” He said my emotional responses had been “promising” and that he felt confident moving forward because I passed his “loyalty and resilience markers.”
I told him I felt sick and betrayed. He said I was being dramatic and that this was no different than companies using probation periods for new employees.
I left the restaurant early and went home alone. He texted me that night asking when I would come over to “resume the conversation like an adult.”
I told him I needed space.
Since then, he has doubled down. He keeps insisting that “every serious man” evaluates a partner and that I should be grateful he put this level of effort into our future. His friends even messaged me saying that I “overreacted because women are emotional by default.”
I told him I am not moving in with someone who treats relationships like a research project
Image credits: Eminent Luggage (not the actual photo)
He flipped out and accused me of sabotaging our plans, wasting his time, and proving that I am “unstable under pressure.”
My friends are split. Half say what he did is manipulative and controlling. The other half say he just approached the relationship analytically, and while weird, it is not harmful because nothing he staged was dangerous.
Leo says I am cruel for walking away after he “invested months of evaluation into me.”
So now I am sitting here wondering if I overreacted to something that might just be a quirk of his personality or if this really is a huge red flag.
Am I in the wrong for refusing to move in with my boyfriend after finding out he has been secretly testing my reactions throughout our entire relationship?
Moderator’s note
Please be aware that the images used in this article are illustrative only and do not depict the actual people or events described.
If you’ve experienced something similar or have a story you’d like to share, we welcome submissions from our community, including anonymous ones. You can send your story directly to community@boredpanda.com to be shared anonymously, or upload it through our Bored Panda submission form by clicking here. We review community stories regularly, and some may be featured in upcoming posts.
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What do you think ?
Space Invader 2 weeks ago
“data always reveals the truth” Well, he provided you with ample of data. “women are emotional by default" reveals he is nowhere near as analytical as he thinks he is, relying on preconceived notions rather than empirical data. And comparing his behaviour to "companies using probation periods for new employees" clearly shows he does not view you as an equal partner but as an employee. He will never respect your feelings, opinions or desires, hiding behind his "analytical" approach and blaming any disagreement on your overly emotional psyche.
KatSaidThat 2 weeks ago
Lies, manipulation, gaslighting with added friends taking shots. Get out.
Shark Lady 2 weeks ago
I would never be able to trust him, how would you know if he was testing you again or if it was a real issue or emergency. You shouldn't be testing someone you claim to love, you get to know someone organically as the relationship progresses.
arthbach 2 weeks ago
Please, please do not move in with this person. He understands data, but now how relationships work. Of course there is a 'probationary period' before moving in together - it's called dating. It's when you get to know each other. It's when you talk, and share information. it's when you see the private version of the person, rather than the public one. - - - The probationary period is not just for him to evaluate you, but for you to evaluate him. In your situation, I would have explained to him that his ideas of how relationships work are not compatible with the real world, and I do not trust him any more. He violated trust, and he has failed. - - - Please do not listen to any nonsense about 'acting like an adult' or 'being overly emotional'. You are making well considered, adult decisions, and most definitely not being overly emotional.
arthbach 2 weeks ago
It's time to decide whether you wish to continue in a relationship with him. Are you prepared to put up with his 'tests', sexism, manipulation, name calling, belittling language, anger when you do not do what he wants/expects? Please be aware if you do stay, he will most likely believe his tests have worked, and they will reappear when he is thinking of things like marriage, adding you into his will, having children, etc. This will not be the end of the 'tests'. - - - It's your choices, but for me, there are too many, far too many red flags
Load More Replies...
Katarzyna Drozd 2 weeks ago
His reaction to your behaviour when you found out about being tested tells everything. Instead of saying sorry, he gaslighted you, and keeps gaslighting. That's why you feel unsure about yourself and that your feelings are invalid. On top of that, he is incredibly sexist. And he is trying to control you and destroy your self worth. This piece of trash do not deserve you. Please leave him and block his number before this relationship turns to full- blown hell
Deborah B 2 weeks ago
Evaluating someones compatability, behavior, reactions, emotional stability etc, is all part of getting to know someone in a new relationship. Everyone does it to some extent. "How does this guy treat the waitstaff when we go out to dinner? Does he listen when I talk, or talk over me? What does he think about gay people, trans rights, social issues? How does he act around my friend group?" We are all making judgements about the compatability of a new person all the time. What this guy did that's off, is manufacturing the situations, rather than just ask hypotheticals, or observe the other person in situations that arrose naturally. It feels manipulative and dishonest, and certainly bears further examination of his behaviour. It might be symptomatic of someone who is controlling and manipulative, and lacking in empathy. Or it might be that he's neurodivergant and just approaches the world from a very analytical and data driven perspective, and doesn't understand how it's inappropriate.
Sarah Belt 2 weeks ago
You are not a science experiment, and that was WILDLY manipulative and cruel. His reaction means he failed at treating you with the barest hint of respect. The man needs therapy. He dehumanized you. Do not listen to his incel friends and block any of yours that attempt to normalize his behavior: none have your interests as a human being in mind. Please know that I am speaking from personal experience when I say that no one deserves this. My god, what do you think he would do to children?
Emilu 2 weeks ago
Tests are not cute; they aren't done by the majority of level-headed people and frankly I feel (and have always felt) that people who try and 'test' their partners are a) too immature to be dating at that particular moment themselves and b) need therapy/counselling etc to delve into why they're assuming the worst in people. I know that, personally, I'd have kicked this dude out onto his ass the second he mentioned that he was 'testing' me. Don't get me wrong; I certainly understand that being hurt previously leads you to be cautious. However, one person's 'cautious' is another's 'condescending' and their opinion is just as valid.
Crystalwitch60 2 weeks ago
Hell to the no , that bloke is DELUDED CONTROLLING VILE INHUMAN !! He showed you who he is BELIVE HIM he’s a LUNATIC
MonsterMum 2 weeks ago
He lied to you and manipulated you (if this is even real). That's enough reason to run
JK 2 weeks ago
You didnt waste his time. He wasted yours. You are not a potential employee, you are not a project. Youre a human being. If hes so invested in "the data" then tell him his "data" has proven that HE is not a viable partner solution for YOU. As such you have decided to cut ties to allow him to find a more suitable candidate for him. Then go enjoy being an "emotional woman".
liam newton-harding 2 weeks ago
Never, ever go back...These are not "tests", it's manipulation...and life, and relationships are based on emotion, not a Spreadsheet.
Dirk Daring 2 weeks ago
He failed a test that neither of them knew he was taking. If this was her "probationary period as a new employee", what would have been next? Annual performance reviews? Mandatory training? A pizza party on "wife appreciation day"?
Janelle Collard 2 weeks ago
Thank goodness OP hadn't already moved in!!! The red flags just covered the field! OP dodged a nuke. Who knows what BF would've tested on her next!
Kate Johnson 2 weeks ago
I'd just tell him, "Wow! I'm so glad this happened before we moved in. Because you're little "tests" reveals that you failed my "test", which is never to lie to me, or we're done. So, now, we're done."
detective miller's hat 2 weeks ago
Girl, RUN, do not walk, out of this relationship. This is borderline unhinged behaviour.
Joe Reaves 2 weeks ago
Yes you need to know how people act in different circumstances before taking major steps in a relationship. No you should not be manufacturing those circumstances.
The Starsong Princess 2 weeks ago
This guy is a sociopath, run. It’s a good idea to not rush into living together and to take the time to get to know your partner. Orchestrating these cruel tests is psycho.
Beth Wheeler 2 weeks ago
Run as fast and as far away as you can from him. He sounds like a control freak and you will never be able to trust him. I'd he has a key to your house change the locks today!
Sara Shamsabadi 2 weeks ago
he thinks of his adult, HUMAN partner as a lab rat of sorts, he doesn't see her as equal to him. If YOU as an adult feel violated, that's because you are & your feelings are valid. Walk away from this cyborg
Lupita Nyong'heaux 2 weeks ago
my response? "f**k you, and this relationship is over. betcha didn't see THAT coming, huh, sport?!" LMAO
Joe Bloe 2 weeks ago
OK, even by admitting he approach relationship with an analytical view, he never consider your point of view. Dismissing it, putting his view as the only good one because it's based on "facts", even belittle you for having a different reaction to what he expect. It could have been different if he reacted more openly and took consideration of your reaction, but he didn't. Sound like the "I'm always right" type. Not good to build something.
Arabiata Arabiata 2 weeks ago
He considers you like an engineer testing a new car during the development phase. He checks its durability and potential weak points. If he's not satisfied, he discards the whole project and builds a new one.
Laserleader 2 weeks ago
He lied and manipulated. Real relationships that actually last are based on pure honesty. I tested my boyfriend, but only to see if he would tell me the truth about things I already knew the answers to. He never lied, and I respected when he chose to keep personal stories private since discretion is not the same as lying. I have never lied and we have been together and married for 20+ years.
Somebodys grandmother 2 weeks ago
OP may have past his test... he did not past hers! Pure data, no emotions... sounds boooooooring!
David McDonald 2 weeks ago
" It was a Test" I have heard this twice in dating, both times, I "passed" neither of those relationships lasted very long after those incidents. He is analytical? OK, but that is not who this Man is showing You with everything he has communicated after You left, nor what his friends are saying is it? Your choice whether You end it or not but if there is another conversation, then this time, he shuts up and he listens to what YOU reply. I highly doubt You will feel like You can trust this man going forward.
Nicky 2 weeks ago
Tell him you're not a student in school, you are not to be tested like one. Him using employment probation as a comparison is futile because the employees KNOW they are under observation. You said it right, this was secretly done to you and if he can be so manipulative in orchestrating all this, it will only get worse when moving in. For one, he will add coercion. To the friends who told u he's just being analytical, ask them how it will feel if it was done to them. To his friends that's trying to dismiss your feelings, ask them if a girl tells them they are pregnant and they spent nine months preparing for the arrival, only to find out there's no baby, tell them if they will accept "I just wanted to see how you will be as a father" as a reason for manipulation.
General Anaesthesia 2 weeks ago
That is not an opinion on the matter in hand, so what's your point?
Load More Replies...
Ace 2 weeks ago
Lacking in empathy, possibly a sociopath, sure, but you should not equate those with autism, which may or may not have some similar effects but are more often a result of inability to _detect_ the effect your actions are having, with many sufferers getting deeply upset by such effects, and the fact that they had been unable to predict them.
Load More Replies...
greenideas 2 weeks ago
He lied to her to get her upset and see how she reacted. That's manipulative and wrong.
Load More Replies...
arthbach 2 weeks ago
Medway Gal, no. You are incorrect. These are not 'reasonable tests'. I have five autists in my family, and many autistic friends. It's easier to count the non-autistic friends I have. You are wrong. Please, please never act in this way to a partner or friend. It is manipulative. Instead communicate effectively with the person. It can be hard getting a non neurodivergent person to actually say what they mean. But it is very rewarding when they do. - - - I have ADHD, and I'm married to an autistic man, together we have two AuDHD children, and an autistic son in law. My father in law is also autistic. None of them would act in this way, let alone think it is acceptable behaviour.
Load More Replies... Space Invader 2 weeks ago
“data always reveals the truth” Well, he provided you with ample of data. “women are emotional by default" reveals he is nowhere near as analytical as he thinks he is, relying on preconceived notions rather than empirical data. And comparing his behaviour to "companies using probation periods for new employees" clearly shows he does not view you as an equal partner but as an employee. He will never respect your feelings, opinions or desires, hiding behind his "analytical" approach and blaming any disagreement on your overly emotional psyche.
KatSaidThat 2 weeks ago
Lies, manipulation, gaslighting with added friends taking shots. Get out.
Shark Lady 2 weeks ago
I would never be able to trust him, how would you know if he was testing you again or if it was a real issue or emergency. You shouldn't be testing someone you claim to love, you get to know someone organically as the relationship progresses.
arthbach 2 weeks ago
Please, please do not move in with this person. He understands data, but now how relationships work. Of course there is a 'probationary period' before moving in together - it's called dating. It's when you get to know each other. It's when you talk, and share information. it's when you see the private version of the person, rather than the public one. - - - The probationary period is not just for him to evaluate you, but for you to evaluate him. In your situation, I would have explained to him that his ideas of how relationships work are not compatible with the real world, and I do not trust him any more. He violated trust, and he has failed. - - - Please do not listen to any nonsense about 'acting like an adult' or 'being overly emotional'. You are making well considered, adult decisions, and most definitely not being overly emotional.
arthbach 2 weeks ago
It's time to decide whether you wish to continue in a relationship with him. Are you prepared to put up with his 'tests', sexism, manipulation, name calling, belittling language, anger when you do not do what he wants/expects? Please be aware if you do stay, he will most likely believe his tests have worked, and they will reappear when he is thinking of things like marriage, adding you into his will, having children, etc. This will not be the end of the 'tests'. - - - It's your choices, but for me, there are too many, far too many red flags
Load More Replies... Katarzyna Drozd 2 weeks ago
His reaction to your behaviour when you found out about being tested tells everything. Instead of saying sorry, he gaslighted you, and keeps gaslighting. That's why you feel unsure about yourself and that your feelings are invalid. On top of that, he is incredibly sexist. And he is trying to control you and destroy your self worth. This piece of trash do not deserve you. Please leave him and block his number before this relationship turns to full- blown hell
Deborah B 2 weeks ago
Evaluating someones compatability, behavior, reactions, emotional stability etc, is all part of getting to know someone in a new relationship. Everyone does it to some extent. "How does this guy treat the waitstaff when we go out to dinner? Does he listen when I talk, or talk over me? What does he think about gay people, trans rights, social issues? How does he act around my friend group?" We are all making judgements about the compatability of a new person all the time. What this guy did that's off, is manufacturing the situations, rather than just ask hypotheticals, or observe the other person in situations that arrose naturally. It feels manipulative and dishonest, and certainly bears further examination of his behaviour. It might be symptomatic of someone who is controlling and manipulative, and lacking in empathy. Or it might be that he's neurodivergant and just approaches the world from a very analytical and data driven perspective, and doesn't understand how it's inappropriate.
Sarah Belt 2 weeks ago
You are not a science experiment, and that was WILDLY manipulative and cruel. His reaction means he failed at treating you with the barest hint of respect. The man needs therapy. He dehumanized you. Do not listen to his incel friends and block any of yours that attempt to normalize his behavior: none have your interests as a human being in mind. Please know that I am speaking from personal experience when I say that no one deserves this. My god, what do you think he would do to children?
Emilu 2 weeks ago
Tests are not cute; they aren't done by the majority of level-headed people and frankly I feel (and have always felt) that people who try and 'test' their partners are a) too immature to be dating at that particular moment themselves and b) need therapy/counselling etc to delve into why they're assuming the worst in people. I know that, personally, I'd have kicked this dude out onto his ass the second he mentioned that he was 'testing' me. Don't get me wrong; I certainly understand that being hurt previously leads you to be cautious. However, one person's 'cautious' is another's 'condescending' and their opinion is just as valid.
Crystalwitch60 2 weeks ago
Hell to the no , that bloke is DELUDED CONTROLLING VILE INHUMAN !! He showed you who he is BELIVE HIM he’s a LUNATIC
MonsterMum 2 weeks ago
He lied to you and manipulated you (if this is even real). That's enough reason to run
JK 2 weeks ago
You didnt waste his time. He wasted yours. You are not a potential employee, you are not a project. Youre a human being. If hes so invested in "the data" then tell him his "data" has proven that HE is not a viable partner solution for YOU. As such you have decided to cut ties to allow him to find a more suitable candidate for him. Then go enjoy being an "emotional woman".
liam newton-harding 2 weeks ago
Never, ever go back...These are not "tests", it's manipulation...and life, and relationships are based on emotion, not a Spreadsheet.
Dirk Daring 2 weeks ago
He failed a test that neither of them knew he was taking. If this was her "probationary period as a new employee", what would have been next? Annual performance reviews? Mandatory training? A pizza party on "wife appreciation day"?
Janelle Collard 2 weeks ago
Thank goodness OP hadn't already moved in!!! The red flags just covered the field! OP dodged a nuke. Who knows what BF would've tested on her next!
Kate Johnson 2 weeks ago
I'd just tell him, "Wow! I'm so glad this happened before we moved in. Because you're little "tests" reveals that you failed my "test", which is never to lie to me, or we're done. So, now, we're done."
detective miller's hat 2 weeks ago
Girl, RUN, do not walk, out of this relationship. This is borderline unhinged behaviour.
Joe Reaves 2 weeks ago
Yes you need to know how people act in different circumstances before taking major steps in a relationship. No you should not be manufacturing those circumstances.
The Starsong Princess 2 weeks ago
This guy is a sociopath, run. It’s a good idea to not rush into living together and to take the time to get to know your partner. Orchestrating these cruel tests is psycho.
Beth Wheeler 2 weeks ago
Run as fast and as far away as you can from him. He sounds like a control freak and you will never be able to trust him. I'd he has a key to your house change the locks today!
Sara Shamsabadi 2 weeks ago
he thinks of his adult, HUMAN partner as a lab rat of sorts, he doesn't see her as equal to him. If YOU as an adult feel violated, that's because you are & your feelings are valid. Walk away from this cyborg
Lupita Nyong'heaux 2 weeks ago
my response? "f**k you, and this relationship is over. betcha didn't see THAT coming, huh, sport?!" LMAO
Joe Bloe 2 weeks ago
OK, even by admitting he approach relationship with an analytical view, he never consider your point of view. Dismissing it, putting his view as the only good one because it's based on "facts", even belittle you for having a different reaction to what he expect. It could have been different if he reacted more openly and took consideration of your reaction, but he didn't. Sound like the "I'm always right" type. Not good to build something.
Arabiata Arabiata 2 weeks ago
He considers you like an engineer testing a new car during the development phase. He checks its durability and potential weak points. If he's not satisfied, he discards the whole project and builds a new one.
Laserleader 2 weeks ago
He lied and manipulated. Real relationships that actually last are based on pure honesty. I tested my boyfriend, but only to see if he would tell me the truth about things I already knew the answers to. He never lied, and I respected when he chose to keep personal stories private since discretion is not the same as lying. I have never lied and we have been together and married for 20+ years.
Somebodys grandmother 2 weeks ago
OP may have past his test... he did not past hers! Pure data, no emotions... sounds boooooooring!
David McDonald 2 weeks ago
" It was a Test" I have heard this twice in dating, both times, I "passed" neither of those relationships lasted very long after those incidents. He is analytical? OK, but that is not who this Man is showing You with everything he has communicated after You left, nor what his friends are saying is it? Your choice whether You end it or not but if there is another conversation, then this time, he shuts up and he listens to what YOU reply. I highly doubt You will feel like You can trust this man going forward.
Nicky 2 weeks ago
Tell him you're not a student in school, you are not to be tested like one. Him using employment probation as a comparison is futile because the employees KNOW they are under observation. You said it right, this was secretly done to you and if he can be so manipulative in orchestrating all this, it will only get worse when moving in. For one, he will add coercion. To the friends who told u he's just being analytical, ask them how it will feel if it was done to them. To his friends that's trying to dismiss your feelings, ask them if a girl tells them they are pregnant and they spent nine months preparing for the arrival, only to find out there's no baby, tell them if they will accept "I just wanted to see how you will be as a father" as a reason for manipulation.
General Anaesthesia 2 weeks ago
That is not an opinion on the matter in hand, so what's your point?
Load More Replies... Ace 2 weeks ago
Lacking in empathy, possibly a sociopath, sure, but you should not equate those with autism, which may or may not have some similar effects but are more often a result of inability to _detect_ the effect your actions are having, with many sufferers getting deeply upset by such effects, and the fact that they had been unable to predict them.
Load More Replies... greenideas 2 weeks ago
He lied to her to get her upset and see how she reacted. That's manipulative and wrong.
Load More Replies... arthbach 2 weeks ago
Medway Gal, no. You are incorrect. These are not 'reasonable tests'. I have five autists in my family, and many autistic friends. It's easier to count the non-autistic friends I have. You are wrong. Please, please never act in this way to a partner or friend. It is manipulative. Instead communicate effectively with the person. It can be hard getting a non neurodivergent person to actually say what they mean. But it is very rewarding when they do. - - - I have ADHD, and I'm married to an autistic man, together we have two AuDHD children, and an autistic son in law. My father in law is also autistic. None of them would act in this way, let alone think it is acceptable behaviour.
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