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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Ruining A 15-Year Friendship By Setting Boundaries?
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Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (29F) have been best friends with “Lia” (29F) since we were 14. We grew up together, survived high school drama together, went to the same college, lived together for a while afterward, and have always been “that pair” – the two people everyone assumes will be friends for life.
For most of our friendship, Lia has been the louder, bolder, more chaotic one. I was the responsible, calmer one who made sure bills were paid, deadlines were met, and Uber drivers didn’t leave without us.
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The dynamic worked until recently, when it began to feel less like balance and more like a burden
Image credits: Marea Wellness (not the actual photo)
Over the past two years, Lia’s behavior has become increasingly unpredictable. She cycles through friend groups, hobbies, and jobs like she’s changing outfits. She’ll fall in love with a new coworker and then hate them a week later. She’ll swear she’s “finally taking control” of her life, then quit a stable job because her boss “looked at her weird.”
At first, I figured it was a rough patch. Everyone goes through phases. But it’s been two years. And somewhere along the line, I became her emotional shock absorber.
If she gets drunk and cries, she calls me. If she makes a bad decision, she expects me to fix it.
If she fights with someone, she assumes I’ll take her side – even when she’s wrong. If I say I’m busy, she says, “You’re literally the only person I can talk to.” It’s draining.
The breaking point came this summer.
I started dating someone new – “Evan” (31M).
He’s thoughtful, stable, and the first truly healthy relationship I’ve had in years
Image credits: Hendo Wang (not the actual photo)
I was excited and nervous… because I knew how Lia reacts when people around her grow. She doesn’t like it.
The first time I introduced them, she spent half the night making jokes about how “boring” he seemed. She later told me, “I just worry he’s not fun enough for you,” which is ironic, because my idea of a fun night doesn’t involve being kicked out of bars.
She also started dropping comments like: “You’re ditching me again,” or “Remember when we used to hang out before men ruined everything?” Sometimes she’d even say, “Sure, go live your married life,” in that half-joking, half-serious tone that makes you wonder what she really means.
It hurt. She made everything about her.
Then, something happened that I still can’t believe.
About a month ago, I had a small birthday gathering. Nothing big – just eight people, including Evan and, of course, Lia. Everyone was chatting, relaxing, and enjoying themselves.
Out of nowhere, Lia pulled me aside and said, loudly enough for people to hear:
“You’re not fun anymore. Ever since you started dating him, you’re like a different person. I miss the old you”
Image credits: Talahria Jensen (not the actual photo)
I laughed awkwardly and said, “I’m literally just sitting here eating cake – what are you talking about?” She rolled her eyes and said, “Exactly. The old you would be doing tequila shots with me.”
Everyone went quiet. I wanted to disappear.
After she left, Evan gently told me, “I think she’s jealous of your growth. I don’t think she knows how to cope with it.” I think he’s right.
But the moment everything truly clicked was a week later, when Lia showed up at my apartment unannounced, crying, because she’d quit her job (again) and her rent was due (again).
She said she needed “a place to crash for a few weeks”
Image credits: deborah cortelazzi (not the actual photo)
I panicked. My life has finally been stable – calm – and the idea of her moving in felt like inviting a tornado.
I told her I couldn’t. She said I was “abandoning her.”
I offered to help her look for rooms. She said I “don’t care anymore.” I offered money for groceries. She said I was “acting like a stranger.”
Eventually, she stormed out and texted me a long paragraph about how she “lost the last real person” in her life.
We haven’t spoken since. It’s been three weeks
Image credits: Kelli McClintock (not the actual photo)
I feel lighter… but also guilty. We’ve been friends for 15 years. She was there for me during some of the hardest parts of my life. But I’ve grown up, and she’s stayed stuck in the same loop: chaos, crisis, apology – repeat. I’m tired.
My mom says long friendships go through phases and that “you don’t throw people away.” Evan says I’m allowed to set boundaries, even if it hurts. A mutual friend says Lia is “spiraling” and that cutting her off will only make things worse.
AITA for finally distancing myself from my best friend – even if it means letting go of 15 years of history – because I can’t carry her chaos anymore?
Moderator’s note
Please be aware that the images used in this article are illustrative only and do not depict the actual people or events described.
If you’ve experienced something similar or have a story you’d like to share, we welcome submissions from our community, including anonymous ones. You can send your story directly to community@boredpanda.com to be shared anonymously, or upload it through our Bored Panda submission form by clicking here. We review community stories regularly, and some may be featured in upcoming posts.
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What do you think ?
Sally Moen 3 days ago
The criticism from her friend that she "isn't fun anymore" is EXACTLY what people say to newly sober folks. Like, how dare they make positive changes in their lives, it was fun having them be the bad example that others could point to and say "See, at least I'm not carrying on like them!" Now suddenly their friends are looking bad by comparison, and really, life isn't a contest, so why are they jealous? Anyway, yeah, this is a part of life, and friends do sometimes grow apart in their needs and activities. You'll make new friends, and so will she
Jack 3 days ago
People do cast their friends into certain "roles" and do not like when you reject the role they have for you. OP was supposed to be Lia's party girl friend forever.
Load More Replies...
Fellfromthemoon 3 days ago
By not letting Lia crash at your place "for a few weeks", but offered an option with clearly limited time (finding a room, buying groceries), you've made Lia responsible for her plans. Lia doesn't want responsibility, but fun. I'd also suspect that her presence was intended to drive a wedge between OP and Evan. No, OP, you've done nothing cruel or unfriendly by giving well-defined help to an adult friend, and not allowing her to be a womanbaby in your care.
Space Invader 3 days ago
You said "She was there for me during some of the hardest parts of my life" - but was she also there for you during the best parts of your life (like when you met your new boyfriend)? Because that's what true friendship means: sharing both sadness and happiness. There's a certain type of toxic friend who revels in your misery, because during those times you are weak and easy to manipulate, allowing the "friend" a large amount of condescending control and self-righteous satisfaction. When you're happy, they experience none of those things - and they hate it. Then they have to face how hollow their own life is by comparison. That's not friendship.
Nina 3 days ago
NTA. If people don't grow at the rate that you do, you can grow apart, that's just part of life. It does sound like your friend needs help, the kind of help that requires her to take a long, hard look at the s******w that is her life (therapy or the likes). If you would put her up now, there's a high risk the chaos would seep in to your life as well, which you didn't sign up for. If you value the friendship, it might be worth trying to find out if her behaviour escalating has a hidden cause, like a*******n or trauma. But that only works if she is willing to open up and doesn't lay blame at your feet, because you are NOT responsible for her wellbeing. You can assist her, if willing, but she has to have the will to change and put in the hard work. Somewhere inside she must know that she can't keep continuing like this.
Corvus 3 days ago (edited)
If I understood correctly, Lia's behavior became more erratic over the last few years. I am fairly sure OP is NTA in this scenario, but I would also ask this question - have you tried to find out if there is a specific reason for Lia's behavior change? Has something happened behind the scenes that caused all this? If yes, then perhaps your friend needs help, and her refusal to grow could be just a symptom and not the "illness" itself. I'm not qualified to give advice, so think of this as a mere suggestion - confront your friend and try to find out why she changed the way she did.
Sparky Hughes 3 days ago (edited)
I’d agree but unfortunately I know a Lia. She doesn’t drink but she cycles through 3-4 jobs a year, I’ve given her financial help, listened to her constant chaos, got side digs just like Lia did, always had something negative to say about anyone I dated, etc. I’ve known her for 35 years. I recently asked for a break because I couldn’t take her chaos anymore. I couldn’t take her berating me if I said something that didn’t gel with her delusions. I can’t tell you how many times she would get a job and get wrapped up in drama and then just quit because of some imagined slight. She’s 57. The issue is the Lias of the world get saved by people and don’t learn. It’s always someone else’s fault. And I don’t think Lia changed, Op just grew up and is adulting. I felt bad when I cut my Lia off because I didn’t feel bad at all. I felt relief and peace. I never realized how much her chaos was affecting my mental health. People grow out of relationships and go in different directions.
Load More Replies...
James Anthony 3 days ago
Cut your losses, Lia is dead weight. She has had people rescue her from her own stupidity her whole life...if you keep helping, you're just enabling her. She'll either sink or swim.
Lee Gilliland 2 days ago
Somebody needs to do an alcohol intervention here, but it should not be OP.
GalPalAl 3 days ago
It really does sound like the needs therapy but probably would resist the idea or throw a tantrum about being offered a suggestion. I have tried to befriend people like this, but it always has to be on their terms and once you say something that doesn't favor them, they turn into a lunatic. She will lath on to someone else until they push her away. It sounds a lot like you have always been her benefactor and now she is being forced to act like an adult and is acting lie a child. You need to do what benefits you for a change. Do not allow her to make her issues yours. It may be time to move on.
detective miller's hat 3 days ago
NTA. I had a friend like this, and made the mistaking of sticking around LONG after I should have cut her off. It got worse and worse to the point that I just hit a breaking point and the friendship ended very badly. Lia needs to grow up, and the only person who can help her do that is herself, not her friends.
Jack 3 days ago
I don't think you CAN have a long term relationship that resists change. Everything changes. People change. If the relationship can't adjust, it explodes or fades away. A lot of friendships are ephemeral and situational, and don't last long after the situation ends (you graduate, you move out, you get a different job, etc) The best relationships are when you grow together and support each other. Lia doesn't want to grow, period.
Child of the Stars 3 days ago
I recently went through something similar with a longtime friend. Our friendship started when both of us were heavily drinking and clubbing and bar-hopping and were essentially each other's only friends and neither of us having any real responsibilities except showing up to work and paying rent. Now 16 years later, we live ~1000 miles apart. While his life hasn't changed much except his move across the country, my life has significantly changed. I've been married and divorced. I have two school-aged children. I'm sober nearly 13 years. I had to tell him that if he wanted to talk to me, we needed to set a specific time and day for it (he was calling me several times a week at ridiculous hours and expecting me to just answer like I used to). I told him that while my life is admittedly boring and routine, it's also full between kids and work; what downtime I have to myself is usually spent on self-care, which is usually just me doing chores without the kids around or sleeping. If he (1/2)
Child of the Stars 3 days ago (edited)
(2/2) wants to just chat, we need to set a time and day so I have the emotional energy for it; I won't answer unscheduled phone calls unless it's urgent. He told me that was unfair because he has ADHD and can't schedule like that, I told him that's not my problem. He said he just wants our old friendship back and he doesn't like who I am now. That was over a month ago and I haven't heard from him since.
Load More Replies...
JB 3 days ago (edited)
Ask your mom what she wants for your life. Tell her these are yes/no answers, you don’t want to hear “but”, just an honest yes or no. A loving relationship? A decent job? Financial stability? Growth in experience, wisdom and maturity? Personal responsibility for your choices and actions? A loving parent must answer yes to all of these. Then quietly explain this is not what Lia wants for you. She has tried to sabotage your relationship. She wants you to go back to getting drunk and thrown out of bars. She wants you to carry the burden of her actions and choices without growth or improvement on her side. She wants you to step in to protect her from consequences and, given her employment record, is unlikely to be able to pay her way. Setting boundaries isn’t throwing her away, it’s protecting all the things mom wants for you from Lia’s chaotic, self destructive ways. If this were a one-off hard time situation, no question, she could move in to get back on her feet because you’d trust her to do it. But it’s a longstanding pattern, unlikely to change until Lia is forced to face consequences. You are still there for reasonable support but will not set your own life on fire to keep her warm. As for the mutual friend, tell them firmly you haven’t cut Lia off, she is the one who has ghosted you for weeks. You have been there for her through thick and thin, you are still there for emotional support and sympathy but you will not take responsibility for a grown adult’s life, if they want to do that, go right ahead.
We ride at dawn biatches 3 days ago
Unfortunately I had several friends like Lia. They talk all the time, instead of asking you questions, they don't cheer for you, they like telling you all the great stuff they experience.. but when something good happens to you, they start acting up. Because they don't want you to be achieving things and growing in life. You are only good as someone they see as 'less' and who listen to their stories, and help them when they need a shoulder to cry on. Really.. that's no friendship, or at least, it ain't friendship anymore.
monsieur mabel 3 days ago
...relationships can be like tides....sometimes the tide is in, other times it's out.....
Ines Olabarria-Smith 3 days ago
Have you tried to talk to her? Tactfully, of course, ask her what’s wrong, why thecycling, why the chaos… maybe you can get an answer. As you wrote she’s not in a good place, therapy?
Sally Moen 3 days ago
The criticism from her friend that she "isn't fun anymore" is EXACTLY what people say to newly sober folks. Like, how dare they make positive changes in their lives, it was fun having them be the bad example that others could point to and say "See, at least I'm not carrying on like them!" Now suddenly their friends are looking bad by comparison, and really, life isn't a contest, so why are they jealous? Anyway, yeah, this is a part of life, and friends do sometimes grow apart in their needs and activities. You'll make new friends, and so will she
Jack 3 days ago
People do cast their friends into certain "roles" and do not like when you reject the role they have for you. OP was supposed to be Lia's party girl friend forever.
Load More Replies... Fellfromthemoon 3 days ago
By not letting Lia crash at your place "for a few weeks", but offered an option with clearly limited time (finding a room, buying groceries), you've made Lia responsible for her plans. Lia doesn't want responsibility, but fun. I'd also suspect that her presence was intended to drive a wedge between OP and Evan. No, OP, you've done nothing cruel or unfriendly by giving well-defined help to an adult friend, and not allowing her to be a womanbaby in your care.
Space Invader 3 days ago
You said "She was there for me during some of the hardest parts of my life" - but was she also there for you during the best parts of your life (like when you met your new boyfriend)? Because that's what true friendship means: sharing both sadness and happiness. There's a certain type of toxic friend who revels in your misery, because during those times you are weak and easy to manipulate, allowing the "friend" a large amount of condescending control and self-righteous satisfaction. When you're happy, they experience none of those things - and they hate it. Then they have to face how hollow their own life is by comparison. That's not friendship.
Nina 3 days ago
NTA. If people don't grow at the rate that you do, you can grow apart, that's just part of life. It does sound like your friend needs help, the kind of help that requires her to take a long, hard look at the s******w that is her life (therapy or the likes). If you would put her up now, there's a high risk the chaos would seep in to your life as well, which you didn't sign up for. If you value the friendship, it might be worth trying to find out if her behaviour escalating has a hidden cause, like a*******n or trauma. But that only works if she is willing to open up and doesn't lay blame at your feet, because you are NOT responsible for her wellbeing. You can assist her, if willing, but she has to have the will to change and put in the hard work. Somewhere inside she must know that she can't keep continuing like this.
Corvus 3 days ago (edited)
If I understood correctly, Lia's behavior became more erratic over the last few years. I am fairly sure OP is NTA in this scenario, but I would also ask this question - have you tried to find out if there is a specific reason for Lia's behavior change? Has something happened behind the scenes that caused all this? If yes, then perhaps your friend needs help, and her refusal to grow could be just a symptom and not the "illness" itself. I'm not qualified to give advice, so think of this as a mere suggestion - confront your friend and try to find out why she changed the way she did.
Sparky Hughes 3 days ago (edited)
I’d agree but unfortunately I know a Lia. She doesn’t drink but she cycles through 3-4 jobs a year, I’ve given her financial help, listened to her constant chaos, got side digs just like Lia did, always had something negative to say about anyone I dated, etc. I’ve known her for 35 years. I recently asked for a break because I couldn’t take her chaos anymore. I couldn’t take her berating me if I said something that didn’t gel with her delusions. I can’t tell you how many times she would get a job and get wrapped up in drama and then just quit because of some imagined slight. She’s 57. The issue is the Lias of the world get saved by people and don’t learn. It’s always someone else’s fault. And I don’t think Lia changed, Op just grew up and is adulting. I felt bad when I cut my Lia off because I didn’t feel bad at all. I felt relief and peace. I never realized how much her chaos was affecting my mental health. People grow out of relationships and go in different directions.
Load More Replies... James Anthony 3 days ago
Cut your losses, Lia is dead weight. She has had people rescue her from her own stupidity her whole life...if you keep helping, you're just enabling her. She'll either sink or swim.
Lee Gilliland 2 days ago
Somebody needs to do an alcohol intervention here, but it should not be OP.
GalPalAl 3 days ago
It really does sound like the needs therapy but probably would resist the idea or throw a tantrum about being offered a suggestion. I have tried to befriend people like this, but it always has to be on their terms and once you say something that doesn't favor them, they turn into a lunatic. She will lath on to someone else until they push her away. It sounds a lot like you have always been her benefactor and now she is being forced to act like an adult and is acting lie a child. You need to do what benefits you for a change. Do not allow her to make her issues yours. It may be time to move on.
detective miller's hat 3 days ago
NTA. I had a friend like this, and made the mistaking of sticking around LONG after I should have cut her off. It got worse and worse to the point that I just hit a breaking point and the friendship ended very badly. Lia needs to grow up, and the only person who can help her do that is herself, not her friends.
Jack 3 days ago
I don't think you CAN have a long term relationship that resists change. Everything changes. People change. If the relationship can't adjust, it explodes or fades away. A lot of friendships are ephemeral and situational, and don't last long after the situation ends (you graduate, you move out, you get a different job, etc) The best relationships are when you grow together and support each other. Lia doesn't want to grow, period.
Child of the Stars 3 days ago
I recently went through something similar with a longtime friend. Our friendship started when both of us were heavily drinking and clubbing and bar-hopping and were essentially each other's only friends and neither of us having any real responsibilities except showing up to work and paying rent. Now 16 years later, we live ~1000 miles apart. While his life hasn't changed much except his move across the country, my life has significantly changed. I've been married and divorced. I have two school-aged children. I'm sober nearly 13 years. I had to tell him that if he wanted to talk to me, we needed to set a specific time and day for it (he was calling me several times a week at ridiculous hours and expecting me to just answer like I used to). I told him that while my life is admittedly boring and routine, it's also full between kids and work; what downtime I have to myself is usually spent on self-care, which is usually just me doing chores without the kids around or sleeping. If he (1/2)
Child of the Stars 3 days ago (edited)
(2/2) wants to just chat, we need to set a time and day so I have the emotional energy for it; I won't answer unscheduled phone calls unless it's urgent. He told me that was unfair because he has ADHD and can't schedule like that, I told him that's not my problem. He said he just wants our old friendship back and he doesn't like who I am now. That was over a month ago and I haven't heard from him since.
Load More Replies... JB 3 days ago (edited)
Ask your mom what she wants for your life. Tell her these are yes/no answers, you don’t want to hear “but”, just an honest yes or no. A loving relationship? A decent job? Financial stability? Growth in experience, wisdom and maturity? Personal responsibility for your choices and actions? A loving parent must answer yes to all of these. Then quietly explain this is not what Lia wants for you. She has tried to sabotage your relationship. She wants you to go back to getting drunk and thrown out of bars. She wants you to carry the burden of her actions and choices without growth or improvement on her side. She wants you to step in to protect her from consequences and, given her employment record, is unlikely to be able to pay her way. Setting boundaries isn’t throwing her away, it’s protecting all the things mom wants for you from Lia’s chaotic, self destructive ways. If this were a one-off hard time situation, no question, she could move in to get back on her feet because you’d trust her to do it. But it’s a longstanding pattern, unlikely to change until Lia is forced to face consequences. You are still there for reasonable support but will not set your own life on fire to keep her warm. As for the mutual friend, tell them firmly you haven’t cut Lia off, she is the one who has ghosted you for weeks. You have been there for her through thick and thin, you are still there for emotional support and sympathy but you will not take responsibility for a grown adult’s life, if they want to do that, go right ahead.
We ride at dawn biatches 3 days ago
Unfortunately I had several friends like Lia. They talk all the time, instead of asking you questions, they don't cheer for you, they like telling you all the great stuff they experience.. but when something good happens to you, they start acting up. Because they don't want you to be achieving things and growing in life. You are only good as someone they see as 'less' and who listen to their stories, and help them when they need a shoulder to cry on. Really.. that's no friendship, or at least, it ain't friendship anymore.
monsieur mabel 3 days ago
...relationships can be like tides....sometimes the tide is in, other times it's out.....
Ines Olabarria-Smith 3 days ago
Have you tried to talk to her? Tactfully, of course, ask her what’s wrong, why thecycling, why the chaos… maybe you can get an answer. As you wrote she’s not in a good place, therapy?
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