Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Unsettled By My Family’s Secret Christmas Arrangement?
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Am I TA here?
So my parents and I have a fractious relationship and for the most part, I have no contact with them while I work with a counselor through my trauma. This year I decided that I couldn’t cope with the massive family expectations of Christmas (it’s a big deal in our family history) so I said to my husband I wasn’t up for it, and he was quite happy to not make the 12-hour round trip to pretend that we were enjoying ourselves being around people that we feel uncomfortable with.
So I said to Mum and Dad that we were unavailable to come, but that we were having a family picnic on the 24th if they’d like to join us. They emailed back and said they were coming down on the 18th to get some stuff from a house renovation shop so they’d like to visit while they were there. So I emailed back and said yes, I can make sure I’m home that day and whilst my husband can’t take the day off, he can work from home and we can use his lunch break to hang out.
My work had an end-of-year event at the races the day before and I know Mum loves the races, so I also invited her to that
Image credits: Chad Madden (not the actual photo)
She accepted, so the plan was made, and no further discussions about Christmas were had in the month or so between this email chat and when they were coming down.
On the 17th Mum arrived as planned and we had a good time at the races – better than usual, so I was hopeful that it was a sign we could continue towards having a good relationship in the future. So I was looking forward to the next day’s hangout plans with her and Dad. I was expecting a catch-up on family news, the kids could show them the things they are interested in, maybe go to the pool, play a few games, that sort of thing. During the 5+ hours I spent with Mum that day, not a hint was said that would make me think the day would be any different.
So they turn up today and then Mum announces in front of the kids ‘While we’re here, can we do Christmas today’ – and I was like ah… Caught off guard
Image credits: freestocks (not the actual photo)
I don’t know what to say here, so I employed a breath technique and decided actually, that could work, I could be ok with that and it might be rather fun (yay therapy success! I coped!) So I tried to respond well and said that’s a lovely idea. Then we sit down and start opening presents and Mum says ‘Wait! I need to get photos of you kids because I promised the rellies at home I would bring them photos of you guys opening your gifts’ and at that point, for me, the joy was stripped away.
This was pre-arranged with everyone in the extended family. This wasn’t an impromptu ‘yeah, let’s do it, because let’s take the opportunity while it’s there’ moment, it was an exercise of meeting someone else’s demands and expectations.
I rang my Grandma because she’s a safe person and she said yes, they knew we were doing Christmas today, because my sister and her husband also couldn’t come up for Christmas
Image credits: Nina Mercado (not the actual photo)
That’s why it was arranged for Mum and Dad to come down and have today as Christmas. She knew that Mum and Dad had gifts from all the extended family. That they had gone and picked up our gifts from everyone else and promised to share the photos in return.
So while the gifts were lovely, I am now left feeling deflated. I feel for this year, it wouldn’t have been hard for anyone in my extended family to communicate with me beforehand that the expectation of the trip was to do Christmas today.
I know there are possibly a few who may think ‘Just enjoy it for what it is’, and I would love to be able to do that. I can enjoy and appreciate that for the kids, that was the best day ever. So my plan for next year is to put further communication in place to see if we can be clear on exactly when and what our Christmas family celebrations look like.
Am I TA here for feeling disrespected and hurt that the entire family knew something we didn’t?
Thanks for reading!
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Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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Think you're over reacting but not knowing what happened in your family that caused your trauma I don't think it's my place to comment. Hope you have a Merry Christmas.
I agree with this. On the face of it, your reaction is a little extreme. I understand that the lack of communication would be frustrating but at the same time, it doesn't sound like you communicated your expectations either? But whether we think you are overreacting is not really relevant - Something here was triggering for you and that's totally valid. Trauma is rarely logical or reasonable. You might benefit from discussing with your therapist to better understand the trigger and how to move forward. Good luck
Load More Replies...
You can't be an AHole for feeling things. It's what you actually DO that can make you an Ahole.
I agree with this, and the way you did respond was very positive for how you felt. Not the A.
Load More Replies...
I think this would usually be okay if the family dynamics were different. But with the situation being as it is its very likely the mom did this to stomp boundaries and have it her way, generating a situation where OP couldn't say anything without hurting the kids and again going along with what her mom wanted. The nicest gesture can be weaponized and be harmful when it's done in bad faith and it's something that controlling parents love to do. It's called love bombing. They willfully ignore boundaries and requests in a way that looks kind, but still is a violation of trust and agreements. They also rope the complete family in and turn them into flying monkeys if the person they're ignoring tries to fight back. That's why controlling behaviour from toxic parents is so hard to fight. They explicitly aim to make other people extra happy to pressure the one person trying to set boundaries into going along. Stay away from internet. Talk to your therapist.
NTA. You have every right to feel betrayed/angry/hurt/sad/disrespected by what happened. If your parents informed the rest of the family about an early Christmas with you but left you out of that conversation then it's understandable that you would be hurt by that. IMO since it was communicated to everyone else in the family and the extended family that this was their plan but they deliberately left you out of that conversation then they're TA.
Soft YTA, you told her you couldn't get together on Christmas, she offered another day about a week before, and you assumed it was not going to be a Christmas exchange? It sure seems to me like that was the reason for the get together, especially with the context of not getting together on Christmas proper.
I understand you have maybe stress issues but if kids opening presents puts you over the edge I think maybe you need to stop looking externally for your problems. I just didn’t see anything here that your parents did that was terrible or out of line. In fact it’s a typical and really a kind act. She went out of her way to collect the presents and deliver them to your kids. Wanting pictures of the kids opening them is far from unreasonable. My own mom would probably pitch a fit if we didn’t send her pictures of the boy on Christmas.
Absolutely NTA. That's outrageous springing it on you like that when they had already planned it. Well done for carrying it through. Not sure I could have.
NTA. I’ve got some toxic extended family who do this kind of thing. You are NOT overreacting. What they did was underhanded, entrapping, manipulative, and disrespectful.
I totally disagree. She had not told them she didn't want to do Christmas, only that she was unavailable to come. That did not give the parents any idea that presents wouldn't be welcome or even a celebration of Christmas. They should probably have said they wanted to celebrate while they were there but I think the OP is totally overreacting.
Load More Replies... Does anyone enjoy the petty drama posts? I'm just here for the funny stories and animal pics.
I'm here for the drama posts. It's almost like everyone has their own interests.
Load More Replies... 
Hard yta for thinking such an obviously manipulative stunt was a "thoughtful gesture"
Load More Replies...
If OP hadn't told us at the beginning about past family trauma, I'd think they were overreacting. However, as I'm also part of a dysfunctional, and at times, toxic family...I completely understand their feelings & frustration. NTA
Lots of people ignoring that OP was fine untill it was revealed this was premeditated and everyone BUT op was in on it.
NTA. Your parents may have had good intentions. But there is a well-traveled road that is also paved with good intentions. The fact that all of the other family members were informed but you were not, makes me doubt the good intentions part. Perhaps you should take a three-month vacation from communicating with your parents. Talk with your therapist about what happened; you may get a better insight on how to deal with this situation, should something similar happen again.
The amount of pure hatred and toxicity aimed at parents is terrifying. What sort of society can we have if parents are treated as careless, villanised breeders by the rest of society, and their own children?
Maybe its because we are now realizing how terrible some parents are? We are allowed to point out toxic manipulative behaviours and not treat them like God's. At the same time there is a LOT of love towards parents. Considering how popular mothers and fathers day still is.
Load More Replies... Easy to tell who here doesn't believe that toxic manipulative family members exist. Just because YOU haven't experienced it doesn't mean it isn't real.
Abuse can be “death by 1000 cuts”. What looks like “a nice, kind gesture” and she’s “overreacting”, can hide years of psychological abuse. I bet OP has been told she’s “overreacting” her entire life. It’s like a woman not being believed she’s being abused by her spouse because “he’s such a great guy, and it was a sweet gesture to love bomb you and you’re overreacting”.
Load More Replies...
NTA. I think people who are surprised by your reaction and don't think it's a big deal seem to be missing the point: that everyone else in your family was told EXCEPT you, the people who were actually involved. Why tell everyone else EXCEPT you? It's not about Christmas or kids opening gifts- it's a power play. If you had a functional family this would be a nice surprise, but you've clearly said that you have trauma from your childhood, so this one experience doesn't really capture the true dynamic of everything. Withholding communication is an act of power when it comes from those who are controlling. It doesn't matter what that information is. Also, feelings aren't wrong. You felt what you felt and you handled it with so much grace. I also want to say good on your for getting therapy! I also had a pretty terrible childhood and therapy is amazing; difficult and painful as you're going through it, but you can come out beautiful and strong on the other side.
You are so Not the AHole. Your family is manipulative. I doubt if this kind of behavior from them is a new thing, this your mention of prior trauma. Manipulation and gaslighting takes a toll. You learn not to trust the reality they insist is real", because it often isn't. Now they've brought it to your "safe place", your home. There was no reason for them to be secretive with you. Wishing you well. Continue to stand up for yourself, it's how you heal.
OP is implying a history of toxic familial control. In which case, this would have been an underhanded way (possibly subconscious) of asserting control over OP when OP was seeking separation. If this is the case, OP's reaction makes sense. Either way, though, ask for heads up next time (OP can say she didn't get to choose her outfit with photos in mind or have gifts ready in return). Even if it was manipulation there's nothing to be done about it except for remaining unflappable.
NTA. First of all, you're asking whether you're TA for feeling a certain way. Feelings are feelings. What makes us TA or NTA are actions, and the way we communicate and act on our feelings. On whether this was manipulative by your parents or not, I can't say. I feel like we're missing a LOT of the story and crucial context here, most importantly, what specific trauma was triggered by your parents doing this. In any case, I think you should discuss this with your therapist, figure out what would work for you, and then get your hudband's help in communicating that with your family. In any case. Without context, this might be NAH, but at the very least, based on what you said, NTA.
Think you're over reacting but not knowing what happened in your family that caused your trauma I don't think it's my place to comment. Hope you have a Merry Christmas.
I agree with this. On the face of it, your reaction is a little extreme. I understand that the lack of communication would be frustrating but at the same time, it doesn't sound like you communicated your expectations either? But whether we think you are overreacting is not really relevant - Something here was triggering for you and that's totally valid. Trauma is rarely logical or reasonable. You might benefit from discussing with your therapist to better understand the trigger and how to move forward. Good luck
Load More Replies... You can't be an AHole for feeling things. It's what you actually DO that can make you an Ahole.
I agree with this, and the way you did respond was very positive for how you felt. Not the A.
Load More Replies... I think this would usually be okay if the family dynamics were different. But with the situation being as it is its very likely the mom did this to stomp boundaries and have it her way, generating a situation where OP couldn't say anything without hurting the kids and again going along with what her mom wanted. The nicest gesture can be weaponized and be harmful when it's done in bad faith and it's something that controlling parents love to do. It's called love bombing. They willfully ignore boundaries and requests in a way that looks kind, but still is a violation of trust and agreements. They also rope the complete family in and turn them into flying monkeys if the person they're ignoring tries to fight back. That's why controlling behaviour from toxic parents is so hard to fight. They explicitly aim to make other people extra happy to pressure the one person trying to set boundaries into going along. Stay away from internet. Talk to your therapist.
NTA. You have every right to feel betrayed/angry/hurt/sad/disrespected by what happened. If your parents informed the rest of the family about an early Christmas with you but left you out of that conversation then it's understandable that you would be hurt by that. IMO since it was communicated to everyone else in the family and the extended family that this was their plan but they deliberately left you out of that conversation then they're TA.
Soft YTA, you told her you couldn't get together on Christmas, she offered another day about a week before, and you assumed it was not going to be a Christmas exchange? It sure seems to me like that was the reason for the get together, especially with the context of not getting together on Christmas proper.
I understand you have maybe stress issues but if kids opening presents puts you over the edge I think maybe you need to stop looking externally for your problems. I just didn’t see anything here that your parents did that was terrible or out of line. In fact it’s a typical and really a kind act. She went out of her way to collect the presents and deliver them to your kids. Wanting pictures of the kids opening them is far from unreasonable. My own mom would probably pitch a fit if we didn’t send her pictures of the boy on Christmas.
Absolutely NTA. That's outrageous springing it on you like that when they had already planned it. Well done for carrying it through. Not sure I could have.
NTA. I’ve got some toxic extended family who do this kind of thing. You are NOT overreacting. What they did was underhanded, entrapping, manipulative, and disrespectful.
I totally disagree. She had not told them she didn't want to do Christmas, only that she was unavailable to come. That did not give the parents any idea that presents wouldn't be welcome or even a celebration of Christmas. They should probably have said they wanted to celebrate while they were there but I think the OP is totally overreacting.
Load More Replies... Does anyone enjoy the petty drama posts? I'm just here for the funny stories and animal pics.
I'm here for the drama posts. It's almost like everyone has their own interests.
Load More Replies... Hard yta for thinking such an obviously manipulative stunt was a "thoughtful gesture"
Load More Replies... If OP hadn't told us at the beginning about past family trauma, I'd think they were overreacting. However, as I'm also part of a dysfunctional, and at times, toxic family...I completely understand their feelings & frustration. NTA
Lots of people ignoring that OP was fine untill it was revealed this was premeditated and everyone BUT op was in on it.
NTA. Your parents may have had good intentions. But there is a well-traveled road that is also paved with good intentions. The fact that all of the other family members were informed but you were not, makes me doubt the good intentions part. Perhaps you should take a three-month vacation from communicating with your parents. Talk with your therapist about what happened; you may get a better insight on how to deal with this situation, should something similar happen again.
The amount of pure hatred and toxicity aimed at parents is terrifying. What sort of society can we have if parents are treated as careless, villanised breeders by the rest of society, and their own children?
Maybe its because we are now realizing how terrible some parents are? We are allowed to point out toxic manipulative behaviours and not treat them like God's. At the same time there is a LOT of love towards parents. Considering how popular mothers and fathers day still is.
Load More Replies... Easy to tell who here doesn't believe that toxic manipulative family members exist. Just because YOU haven't experienced it doesn't mean it isn't real.
Abuse can be “death by 1000 cuts”. What looks like “a nice, kind gesture” and she’s “overreacting”, can hide years of psychological abuse. I bet OP has been told she’s “overreacting” her entire life. It’s like a woman not being believed she’s being abused by her spouse because “he’s such a great guy, and it was a sweet gesture to love bomb you and you’re overreacting”.
Load More Replies... NTA. I think people who are surprised by your reaction and don't think it's a big deal seem to be missing the point: that everyone else in your family was told EXCEPT you, the people who were actually involved. Why tell everyone else EXCEPT you? It's not about Christmas or kids opening gifts- it's a power play. If you had a functional family this would be a nice surprise, but you've clearly said that you have trauma from your childhood, so this one experience doesn't really capture the true dynamic of everything. Withholding communication is an act of power when it comes from those who are controlling. It doesn't matter what that information is. Also, feelings aren't wrong. You felt what you felt and you handled it with so much grace. I also want to say good on your for getting therapy! I also had a pretty terrible childhood and therapy is amazing; difficult and painful as you're going through it, but you can come out beautiful and strong on the other side.
You are so Not the AHole. Your family is manipulative. I doubt if this kind of behavior from them is a new thing, this your mention of prior trauma. Manipulation and gaslighting takes a toll. You learn not to trust the reality they insist is real", because it often isn't. Now they've brought it to your "safe place", your home. There was no reason for them to be secretive with you. Wishing you well. Continue to stand up for yourself, it's how you heal.
OP is implying a history of toxic familial control. In which case, this would have been an underhanded way (possibly subconscious) of asserting control over OP when OP was seeking separation. If this is the case, OP's reaction makes sense. Either way, though, ask for heads up next time (OP can say she didn't get to choose her outfit with photos in mind or have gifts ready in return). Even if it was manipulation there's nothing to be done about it except for remaining unflappable.
NTA. First of all, you're asking whether you're TA for feeling a certain way. Feelings are feelings. What makes us TA or NTA are actions, and the way we communicate and act on our feelings. On whether this was manipulative by your parents or not, I can't say. I feel like we're missing a LOT of the story and crucial context here, most importantly, what specific trauma was triggered by your parents doing this. In any case, I think you should discuss this with your therapist, figure out what would work for you, and then get your hudband's help in communicating that with your family. In any case. Without context, this might be NAH, but at the very least, based on what you said, NTA.
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