Hey Pandas, AITA For Getting Mad At My Brother-In-Law Over Expensive Treats I Bought For My Kids?
In my family, we are quite budget-conscious, especially since my husband lost his job last year due to Covid layoffs. We have two kids, and managing our expenses has been a bit of a struggle. Despite this, we agreed to let my brother-in-law, “Jake” (38), move in with us temporarily after his divorce. He’s always been a bit of a freeloader, but we couldn’t turn him away in his time of need, especially when his marriage to his ex-wife ended so unfortunately. The arrangement was simple: he would contribute to household expenses and buy his own groceries.
Jake has a sweet tooth and a penchant for expensive, gourmet snacks, which are a luxury we can’t afford currently. So, last month, I indulged my kids and bought them a small box of premium chocolate cookies, a rare treat in our home. I stored them in a high cabinet, out of sight but not out of reach for a treat after their upcoming exams.
A week later, I noticed the cookie box was almost empty. Surprised, I asked my husband and kids if they had eaten them, but they all firmly denied it
Image credits: Egor Lyfar (not the actual photo)
I wouldn’t have been mad if they themselves ate it. I had my suspicions about Jake but didn’t want to accuse him without proof.
Then, two days ago, I came home early from work and found Jake on the couch, watching a movie and munching on the last of those chocolate cookies
Image credits: Mollie Sivaram (not the actual photo)
I confronted him, and he just shrugged, saying he thought they were for everyone and didn’t think it was that big of a deal since he also contributed to the groceries with his money
Image credits: Toa Heftiba (not the actual photo)
I was livid, not just because of the sweets, but because this was a repeat pattern of disrespecting our boundaries and taking advantage of our hospitality over the course of the last few months. When I brought this up, Jake became defensive, claiming that I was overreacting over a few chocolates that no one cared about. But for me, it was about the principle and the constant disregard for our struggles and efforts to provide for our family while accommodating him at the same time.
Pandas, AITA?
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There seems to be more to the story (as hinted) but even like this: At no point in history in no family ever have good cookies, hidden in the high closet, been "for everyone". He knew what he was doing and that makes him the AH.
NTA. A few chocolates would have been fine but not almost the whole box! He should apologize and you should set some very clear boundaries.
And they were clearly hidden, he knew those were a controlled substance!...that what we call the goodies in my home.
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If you hid them in a high cabinet where no other snacks or food is hidden, common sense would tell someone to ask if it's ok to eat them. Sounds like you need to renegotiate the way groceries go in this situation. If he "contributes" to the groceries, then he can just buy his own groceries and put a sticky on or have his own shelf in the fridge/cabinet. It sounds like he is contributing but eating more than he contributes since he ate the whole box.
I think one of the bp authors made this one?? And didnt come from reddit... could be wrong tho, but there is no redit link and it is written like it came from bp!
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You took in someone who is known to be a bit of a freeloader. Hide the goods better next time.
I'm conflicted, if someone is contributing to the grocery shopping I would have a hard time denying them access to the pantry and fridge. I think the best solution would be to hide them in your room until you are ready to dish them out.
The agreement is that Jake purchase his OWN groceries. He is not contributing financially to the family to buy shared groceries. It’s the same principle as roommates; buying food individually does not permit one roommate to eat another roommate’s food just because it’s in the communal kitchen.
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NTA. He's expected to behave as a 38 y.o. adult, not as an entitled man-child, especially since he's a guest in your house. If he craved so much, he could have bought a box for himself. "[...] the constant disregard for our struggles and efforts to provide for our family while accommodating him at the same time." - maybe it's the time for him to move away. And grow up too.
The people who are all, "who cares," have never been broke with kids. It's very stressful to have to pinch pennies, with few opportunities to do or have something special on occasion. Should she have communicated to to the BIL? Sure. But he's an adult whose receiving a favor from people who are struggling themselves. What an oblivious a**e. If this is a pattern of behavior, no wonder he's divorced. They need to sit down together and establish some boundaries immediately because this can easily spill over other undeclared boundaries.
Sounds like issues have been adding up and this is the one that "broke the camels back". I think y'all need to sit down and talk everything out or it'll just get worse from here
NTA. I’m a single mom with 3 kids and my sister is living with me. She knows that SNACKS are sacred to kids and asks so she knows which treats are okay for her to eat too. I would be livid if she raided my pantry and ate something unique of ours without running it past us.
I get mad at my husband if he snags items for kids school lunches 😆(a small amount is ok but man-childs eat a lot more than lil chilluns. And if there is choc in the house I better get my share!!! It is a big deal when u have no money to buy more.
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NTA, does he ussually just think things that you buy just for your family are also for him? Feel like its time he start looking for his own place
Living with extended family is hard especially if one side contributes more than the other. In this case its easy to say you shouldn't have got mad over chocolates but I think I would have reacted the in same way! However, your husband should be backing you in establishing boundaries here so things don't go sideways. Maybe buy a basket for stuff that's out of bounds so it's more clear to him what he can't pinch. I feel your frustration though!!
I don't see any reason why the slob couldn't get off his buttt and go and buy another 2, yes 2, boxes of those cookies. 1 for the theft and snooping, 2, for the entitlement and cheek.
If something is clearly tucked away it's obviously not for everyone. If I want to have a soda before they're gone I need to take it out and hide it in the vegetable drawer...even if the boys see it there they know damn well it's mine and hell hath no fury like a woman whose weekly Dr. Pepper is missing!!!
If he accidentally ate them and was confronted, this would have been an obvious resolution. He could diffuse the whole thing by a sorry and a replacement. But a misunderstanding becomes a big deal because of the lack of respect and regard for others’ feelings.
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NTA if he is responsible for his own food and food is not shared, especially if the cabinet where the cookies were stored is not a place where he would normally find his snacks, or shared snacks. YTA if food is shared, especially if you never asked him not to eat them. Most likely ESH because he didn't consider they were special and stashed somewhere weird for a reason and at least should have asked, but also that you didn't give him a heads up that they were special and just went straight to pissed off. It sounds like you need to have a conversation about rules and courtesy. Otherwise simply ask him to replace them and move on. I have had difficult people live with me and this is not the hill to die on.
He ate most of them. That's not okay even if it is a shared item.
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That brother-in-law would find his bags out on the lawn. He's a user, he uses people. Throw him out. You and your kids deserve better. Or, better yet, have your husband throw him out, and if he refuses, reassess your marriage.
He's gaslighting you. It does matter and YOU care. I bet your kiddos care, too, since those cookies were rewards for them. If he's going to play mind games, he can see himself to the door.
Definitely NTA. I know what its like to have no money and its just awful when something is taken or ruined. Its not really about cookies but the desperation you can feel when you have money and its wasted, the BIL clear disregard for other people and really the whole situation of having someone live you. He needs to go to a cheap motel and watch his movies and eat his own cookies there.
It's different if he had been told they were for a specific purpose. Without being told, how would he know?
He doesn’t need to be told. The agreement is he buys his own food. He’s not actually handing money over to buy shared groceries, so he has no right to eat food bought for and by the family just because it’s in the kitchen.
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Definitely NTA. I liked how you shared that it's not so much about the chocolates as it is the principal, especially with the boundaries your family sets. You should have a family meeting or something.
Since when is it ok to open packages you haven't bought without asking first? NTA big time! I don't agree with others here, taking a few would have been ok. Nope, if you haven't bought it, you ask first. Period. Esp. when you're a guest
To answer your question, its ok to open something bought for you by someone else. But thats not what happened here.
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NTA. If you ate things he bought with his money, would he be okay with that. It wasn't an open package out on the table, it was tucked away on a high shelf. He should at least apologise and maybe it's even time he found his own place. Don't know the housing market where you are, but is he even looking really actively? If you really need a place, in a few months you should be able to find something, even if its temporarily.
Make it a lesson learned and be clear : tell him that next time he's eating something he didn't buy, he's out. He's a grown-up man knowing your situation, that's on him to behave like a normal person.
No, I'd tell him to buy his own groceries. I'd also tell him to cook his own dinner and clean up after himself. Tell me you don't cook his dinner or do his laundry. In my house he'd be gone.
I have a sweet spot for a type of cookies. The caramel biscuits from the Dandoy House in Brussels.... Touch my stash AND I WILL F*CKING EAT YOUR LIVER WITH BUTTER SAUCE AND A NICE CHIANTI! (°_°) there won't be any more warnings
I think you should establish clear rules and consequences for his stay with you. Calmly and thoroughly, explain to him in detail "a repeat pattern of disrespecting our boundaries and taking advantage of our hospitality," then establish how he is to avoid this in the future, and what will happen if he doesn't. Set a good example for him, and your children. Clear rules and boundaries, steadily enforced.
Did you at any point tell him they were only for your children? But you are NTA. Most people would either ask first or would know that given their being hidden, probably to leave alone
ESH, with the fellow Panda sucking a little less. Shared food is hard because food is a consumable. My partner often eats important things at the wrong time. "Where is some major component needed for this meal?" "Where is our candy for trick or treaters?" "Where are the hidden chocolate bars for your father's Christmas gifts?" No matter how I squirrel things away, they are often consumed. But I also don't put a post it on the items saying "do not eat, for specific purpose* It's equally my fault until I create a system that clearly delineates "hands off!* Otherwise it just looks like food. It appears like brother-in-law has been a house guest in your mind and a roommate in his. Roommates are allowed mistakes while guests should defer to the standards of their hosts. Adults coping with the trauma of divorce and/or unexpected job loascan be self centered or singularly focused on staying above water. Your household is treading water trying not to drown while facing this new normal.
There is no shared food. He is responsible for buying his own groceries.
Load More Replies...
There seems to be more to the story (as hinted) but even like this: At no point in history in no family ever have good cookies, hidden in the high closet, been "for everyone". He knew what he was doing and that makes him the AH.
NTA. A few chocolates would have been fine but not almost the whole box! He should apologize and you should set some very clear boundaries.
And they were clearly hidden, he knew those were a controlled substance!...that what we call the goodies in my home.
Load More Replies... If you hid them in a high cabinet where no other snacks or food is hidden, common sense would tell someone to ask if it's ok to eat them. Sounds like you need to renegotiate the way groceries go in this situation. If he "contributes" to the groceries, then he can just buy his own groceries and put a sticky on or have his own shelf in the fridge/cabinet. It sounds like he is contributing but eating more than he contributes since he ate the whole box.
I think one of the bp authors made this one?? And didnt come from reddit... could be wrong tho, but there is no redit link and it is written like it came from bp!
Load More Replies... You took in someone who is known to be a bit of a freeloader. Hide the goods better next time.
I'm conflicted, if someone is contributing to the grocery shopping I would have a hard time denying them access to the pantry and fridge. I think the best solution would be to hide them in your room until you are ready to dish them out.
The agreement is that Jake purchase his OWN groceries. He is not contributing financially to the family to buy shared groceries. It’s the same principle as roommates; buying food individually does not permit one roommate to eat another roommate’s food just because it’s in the communal kitchen.
Load More Replies... NTA. He's expected to behave as a 38 y.o. adult, not as an entitled man-child, especially since he's a guest in your house. If he craved so much, he could have bought a box for himself. "[...] the constant disregard for our struggles and efforts to provide for our family while accommodating him at the same time." - maybe it's the time for him to move away. And grow up too.
The people who are all, "who cares," have never been broke with kids. It's very stressful to have to pinch pennies, with few opportunities to do or have something special on occasion. Should she have communicated to to the BIL? Sure. But he's an adult whose receiving a favor from people who are struggling themselves. What an oblivious a**e. If this is a pattern of behavior, no wonder he's divorced. They need to sit down together and establish some boundaries immediately because this can easily spill over other undeclared boundaries.
Sounds like issues have been adding up and this is the one that "broke the camels back". I think y'all need to sit down and talk everything out or it'll just get worse from here
NTA. I’m a single mom with 3 kids and my sister is living with me. She knows that SNACKS are sacred to kids and asks so she knows which treats are okay for her to eat too. I would be livid if she raided my pantry and ate something unique of ours without running it past us.
I get mad at my husband if he snags items for kids school lunches 😆(a small amount is ok but man-childs eat a lot more than lil chilluns. And if there is choc in the house I better get my share!!! It is a big deal when u have no money to buy more.
Load More Replies... NTA, does he ussually just think things that you buy just for your family are also for him? Feel like its time he start looking for his own place
Living with extended family is hard especially if one side contributes more than the other. In this case its easy to say you shouldn't have got mad over chocolates but I think I would have reacted the in same way! However, your husband should be backing you in establishing boundaries here so things don't go sideways. Maybe buy a basket for stuff that's out of bounds so it's more clear to him what he can't pinch. I feel your frustration though!!
I don't see any reason why the slob couldn't get off his buttt and go and buy another 2, yes 2, boxes of those cookies. 1 for the theft and snooping, 2, for the entitlement and cheek.
If something is clearly tucked away it's obviously not for everyone. If I want to have a soda before they're gone I need to take it out and hide it in the vegetable drawer...even if the boys see it there they know damn well it's mine and hell hath no fury like a woman whose weekly Dr. Pepper is missing!!!
If he accidentally ate them and was confronted, this would have been an obvious resolution. He could diffuse the whole thing by a sorry and a replacement. But a misunderstanding becomes a big deal because of the lack of respect and regard for others’ feelings.
Load More Replies... NTA if he is responsible for his own food and food is not shared, especially if the cabinet where the cookies were stored is not a place where he would normally find his snacks, or shared snacks. YTA if food is shared, especially if you never asked him not to eat them. Most likely ESH because he didn't consider they were special and stashed somewhere weird for a reason and at least should have asked, but also that you didn't give him a heads up that they were special and just went straight to pissed off. It sounds like you need to have a conversation about rules and courtesy. Otherwise simply ask him to replace them and move on. I have had difficult people live with me and this is not the hill to die on.
He ate most of them. That's not okay even if it is a shared item.
Load More Replies... That brother-in-law would find his bags out on the lawn. He's a user, he uses people. Throw him out. You and your kids deserve better. Or, better yet, have your husband throw him out, and if he refuses, reassess your marriage.
He's gaslighting you. It does matter and YOU care. I bet your kiddos care, too, since those cookies were rewards for them. If he's going to play mind games, he can see himself to the door.
Definitely NTA. I know what its like to have no money and its just awful when something is taken or ruined. Its not really about cookies but the desperation you can feel when you have money and its wasted, the BIL clear disregard for other people and really the whole situation of having someone live you. He needs to go to a cheap motel and watch his movies and eat his own cookies there.
It's different if he had been told they were for a specific purpose. Without being told, how would he know?
He doesn’t need to be told. The agreement is he buys his own food. He’s not actually handing money over to buy shared groceries, so he has no right to eat food bought for and by the family just because it’s in the kitchen.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. I liked how you shared that it's not so much about the chocolates as it is the principal, especially with the boundaries your family sets. You should have a family meeting or something.
Since when is it ok to open packages you haven't bought without asking first? NTA big time! I don't agree with others here, taking a few would have been ok. Nope, if you haven't bought it, you ask first. Period. Esp. when you're a guest
To answer your question, its ok to open something bought for you by someone else. But thats not what happened here.
Load More Replies... NTA. If you ate things he bought with his money, would he be okay with that. It wasn't an open package out on the table, it was tucked away on a high shelf. He should at least apologise and maybe it's even time he found his own place. Don't know the housing market where you are, but is he even looking really actively? If you really need a place, in a few months you should be able to find something, even if its temporarily.
Make it a lesson learned and be clear : tell him that next time he's eating something he didn't buy, he's out. He's a grown-up man knowing your situation, that's on him to behave like a normal person.
No, I'd tell him to buy his own groceries. I'd also tell him to cook his own dinner and clean up after himself. Tell me you don't cook his dinner or do his laundry. In my house he'd be gone.
I have a sweet spot for a type of cookies. The caramel biscuits from the Dandoy House in Brussels.... Touch my stash AND I WILL F*CKING EAT YOUR LIVER WITH BUTTER SAUCE AND A NICE CHIANTI! (°_°) there won't be any more warnings
I think you should establish clear rules and consequences for his stay with you. Calmly and thoroughly, explain to him in detail "a repeat pattern of disrespecting our boundaries and taking advantage of our hospitality," then establish how he is to avoid this in the future, and what will happen if he doesn't. Set a good example for him, and your children. Clear rules and boundaries, steadily enforced.
Did you at any point tell him they were only for your children? But you are NTA. Most people would either ask first or would know that given their being hidden, probably to leave alone
ESH, with the fellow Panda sucking a little less. Shared food is hard because food is a consumable. My partner often eats important things at the wrong time. "Where is some major component needed for this meal?" "Where is our candy for trick or treaters?" "Where are the hidden chocolate bars for your father's Christmas gifts?" No matter how I squirrel things away, they are often consumed. But I also don't put a post it on the items saying "do not eat, for specific purpose* It's equally my fault until I create a system that clearly delineates "hands off!* Otherwise it just looks like food. It appears like brother-in-law has been a house guest in your mind and a roommate in his. Roommates are allowed mistakes while guests should defer to the standards of their hosts. Adults coping with the trauma of divorce and/or unexpected job loascan be self centered or singularly focused on staying above water. Your household is treading water trying not to drown while facing this new normal.
There is no shared food. He is responsible for buying his own groceries.
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