Couple Decide To Use Their Pets To Fill Out Roles In Their Wedding, SIL Is Angry They Didn’t Include Her “Rainbow” Kids Instead
The key to avoiding overwhelming anxiety before your wedding is to recognize the fact that, no matter what you do, you’ll probably end up disappointing some of your guests—and that this wouldn’t be the end of the world. However, some situations are so delicate that it helps to get an outsider’s perspective before making a decision.
That’s exactly what redditor u/IntrepidOffering did. The bride-to-be turned to the AITA online community for some advice. She’s unsure what to do because she wants her pets to be the flower girl and ring bearer at her wedding. However, she also doesn’t want to disappoint her ‘rainbow baby’ niece and nephew, whose mom wants them to take on those roles, either. Read on for the full story and the advice Reddit gave the OP. Bored Panda has reached out to u/IntrepidOffering and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Having your beloved pets play important roles in the wedding ceremony is a very interesting idea
Image credits: Lobachad (not the actual photo)
A bride-to-be turned to the internet for advice because she’s being forced to choose between her pets and her nephew and niece
Image credits: StudioPeace (not the actual photo)
Image credits: IntrepidOffering
‘Rainbow babies’ symbolize hope and healing, and are very special to the entire family
The OP’s situation is a difficult one. On the one hand, everyone should strive to be authentic and honest with themselves about what they truly want in life. And redditor u/IntrepidOffering notes that her dog Mika and cat Tibby are “like children” to her and her fiancé. The two pets supported them through some of the darkest periods of their lives.
On the other hand, many of us sincerely care about what our nearest and dearest—our family and friends—think about us and our decisions. Like it or not, many folks care about their reputations and want to impress others. It’s hard to say ‘no’ to someone close to you when they make a request. Especially when they apply a bit of emotional pressure.
The fact that the OP’s nephew and niece are both ‘rainbow babies’ makes everything a bit more nuanced. A ‘rainbow baby’ is a healthy baby born after a couple has lost a child due to miscarriage.
“The name ‘rainbow baby” comes from the idea of a rainbow appearing in the sky after a storm, or after a dark and turbulent time. The term has gained popularity on blogs and social media in recent years, and has come to symbolize hope and healing,” Healthline explains.
“A rainbow baby brings great joy after a very difficult time, and symbolizes hope and healing. But for parents who have experienced loss, rainbow babies are also treasured reminders. Even after safely delivering your rainbow baby, you can find ways to remember the child you lost. Eventually, sharing your story with your rainbow baby as they get older can be comforting,” Jane Chertoff writes on Healthline.
“As your rainbow baby grows, be sure to share your story with them. Let them know how special they are to you.”
Guilt-tripping the happy couple is only going to add more stress during the preparations for the big day
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
And this lies at the core of the issue. ‘Rainbow babies’ really are special. Both to their parents and their entire social circle who have seen them wracked with grief due to loss. But as sensitive as this topic is, it’s impractical (and perhaps even slightly unfair) to put the kids’ wants and needs over absolutely everyone else’s.
The wedding happens to be the miracle babies’ aunt’s occasion. This does not mean that the kids should automatically play whatever prominent role their parents decide they should get during the event. Would it be a great gesture to have the twins be the flower girl and ring bearer? Absolutely!
However, the marrying couple prefers to have their pets have those roles—it is a very strong alternative that they’re seriously considering. One that they would prefer. And it makes sense to put the happy couple and their desires center stage, considering that it’s their wedding and all. Meanwhile, the twins have been invited as guests either way, and there are plenty of opportunities every single day to make them feel special. Weddings aren’t the only time that they can get the love, care, and attention they want and need.
At the end of the day, impossible to please everyone and to keep every tiny little emotional nuance in consideration. The happy couple have hundreds of things to keep in mind when organizing their wedding. And even though some decisions may be bigger than others, it doesn’t help when someone’s double-guessing them and adding more stress into the mix.
Weddings in the US cost an average of $29,000 in 2023
Image credits: TranStudios Photography & Video (not the actual photo)
The odds are that the marrying couple is under enough pressure as it is and does not need to deal with a guilt trip. One major worry that many couples are bound to have is purely financial. Or to put it bluntly: weddings are extremely expensive and every dollar matters.
The cost of an average wedding in the United States has now risen to $29,000, as reported by CNN, based on data compiled by Zola. In some bigger American cities, the average cost is over $35,000.
But if you happen to live in New York City, well, hang on to your tophat/wedding veil because a wedding in the Big Apple costs around $43,536 in 2023. The San Francisco-Oakland-San Jose area is in second place with $37,284, while not far behind are Boston ($35,902), Philadelphia ($34,111), Miami-Ft. Lauderdale ($33,622), Washington, DC ($33,199), Chicago ($32,281), and Los Angeles ($30,712).
The author of the post shared a few more insights in the comments
Most people were very supportive of the bride-to-be and were happy to share their thoughts on the situation
The SIL needs to chill. This wedding is about the couple getting married and not your "rainbow" babies. I'm sorry, but that term is ridiculous. They are going to turn into spoiled brats if she doesn't let up!
Just wanted to say the same thing, those kids will become quite arrogant and entitled if they expect everything to be served to them on a silver platter since their mom believes they're "super special".
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I think the bigger problem here is why are their children more important than the other grandkids that were previously mentioned? It's an easy out to state that it would not be fair to have them and not their cousins involved and there is no room for extra kids.
I agree with you. SIL needs to get over herself. I'm sure everyone is happy you had your children, but there are other grandchildren too!
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My only concern is whether or not the pets will be comfortable in the surroundings of a wedding. As many of the comments had mentioned above. The sounds, smells, and people may be overwhelming to them. It will likely be a scale of interaction that they've never seen before. They are NTA for wanting their pets to be in their wedding, I can understand that completely. I hope there's some way for them to test their pets, on a smaller scale, to see if they will be okay during a wedding. While many pets may be secure and outgoing in their homes, in a different venue, that can change dramatically. I wish them the best of luck with their pets and their family.
Same goes for toddlers honestly. It sounds like the mom is set on her kids being in the wedding.... But do the kids even want to do? Will they be able to do it or will they get overwhelmed? OP should keep in mind that the idea of doing it might be way more exciting to a 4 yo than the reality. The reality might be super scary and overwhelming.
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"My children are the center of the universe and should be the main attraction at your wedding." That's what she meant.
Honestly, and will get downvoted to hell for this (I am willing to accept this) I have always hated the term 'rainbow baby'. Every baby is special, and unique, and it's own little being, loved for being itself. It shouldn't have an extra pressure placed on it for being a replacement for a baby that was lost. It shouldn't have that extra burden of "I can't be wanted for me just being me, i must be the child that was born and didn't survive and the child that did survive, all at once'. And yes, I've had 2 children who survived, bookending 2 children who did not. But I never called the last one a rainbow child. The last one is special for being my child for being my child, not because they were a replacement for ones lost. It's terrible pressure to be placed on a child.
My mom was the same way. My two sisters are 7 and 9 years older than me. I have a brother (the 'rainbow' baby) who is 18 months older than me. He is 5 years younger than my second sister. In that 5 year gap, my parents were trying for another kid and had a miscarriage. He never got any special treatment for being a rainbow baby, neither have any of my second sister's kids. She had to get special injections done as soon as she learned she was pregnant, or she would lose the baby. She lost 3, one of which after fighting with the nursing staff that she needed the shot. Her kids are amazing and grounded. She wants to get a tattoo for all of her kids, including the miscarriages, but she never has placed a specific title or privileges on her kids, despite them both being 'rainbow' babies.
Load More Replies... Watch out! My SIL (husband's sister) held a grudge for decades because we had my brother's daughter as our flower girl and not hers. Except we didn't. No attendants but MOH and best man. But SIL didn't come to the wedding so how would she know?
If she held this grudge for decades because you realised she was ridiculous and so never bothered to explain, I will say: Maximum respect!
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In general i hate those people who react like this. The married couple tell them of their plan and the reaction is that should be my kids role because they are my precious kids. they are your kids so why should others be forced to give them special roles in their lives. not everyone cares about your kids the way you do.
So I'd never heard the term "rainbow baby" before and had to look it up. After seeing the definition includes loss by miscarriage as well as other causes, the first thing I thought was "doesn't that make *most* of us rainbow babies??" Miscarriage is so sadly common, and how many women have one without even realizing it's more than a very heavy period? SIL's kids aren't special!
NTA. If the happy couple want Spiderman as the ring bearer, Storm as the MOH, and Deadpool as the officiant, so be it! It's YOUR wedding, YOU are the ones paying for it, and YOU know how you want the ceremony and reception to go. SIL needs to pop a couple of granola bars in her piehole and just enjoy the event. Her children are not supposed to be the center of attention on that particular day. If you and your fiancé want your furbabies in the ceremony, and they won't get stressed out, go for it. If SIL (or anyone else, for that matter) keeps giving you grief about it, give them a choice: drop the subject or stay home. Then walk away. Either way, it will be a lovely time for you.
Now I kind of want Spiderman as the ring bearer, Storm as the MOH and Deadpool as the officiant of my wedding. But that clashes with my plan to get married on a pirate ship during a sword fight...
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After she showed the picture, would have been a good time to also mention that it was going to a child free wedding.
Totally this. I dont have a lot of family and no really young children in my orbit, but if I had, you can bet my wedding would have been child free.
Load More Replies... Yeesh what's happened to the world. People are so entitled these days. If you want a drunk homeless person to be your ring bearer then that's up to you, who gives a s**t about tradition and no offence someone's babies. Loads of pregnancies are difficult does that mean all the special babies should get the best jobs when there older, or priority in the supermarket. Poor kidd are gonna grow up quite entitled aren't they?
Tradition is such a stupid reason to do most things, isn't it?! Their wedding, their choice.
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I dislike when people think they have any say unless they are footing the bill. Just like when parents tell their kids who are getting married they have to invite all these people they know or have known and they cannot afford to feed all those people or find venues large enough. Keep out of wedding planning unless it’s coming out of your wallet.
I get angry when they think they have a say if they ARE footing the bill. Money doesn't mean you control every aspect or any. I had this conversation with a relative when I was in college. No, you don't get to decide my classes, where I live, my sex life, etc. You give money because you want me to get an education. In the same vein you are giving money to the couple for the wedding. You are not buying control.
Load More Replies... Those kids are going to be insufferable. People are already catering to them just for existing. If it were me, I would uninvite the whole family. They WILL show up with them on the day. When my family started getting bossy with my wedding we cancelled it and went to City Hall.
What about the other grandchildren, they should be just as the rainbow twins to the family. My dog walked my wife and me into our wedding and it was magical
I love that. How neat to have your dog walk you guys into the chuch
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I never heard the term “rainbow baby” till mine was almost 30 years old. I had no idea we were supposed to force everyone to treat her as though she was royalty and super-special. I can understand when your child becomes your life, but expecting someone who barely knows them (lives across the country) to put them in their wedding is ridiculous. When my RAINBOW BABY got married, her dog was the ring bearer, her brother was her Man of Honor, and her sister officiated. The Best Man didn’t care he was standing opposite another man (who was holding the dog’s leash). Because she’s a RAINBOW BABY (seriously, I’m gonna keep doing that), maybe we should have made her be her own flower girl.
So sick of people acting like thier kids are more important than others animals. A lot of us pet PARENTS love our animals dearly. Also they are cheaper, more loyal and loving than most kids out there. Thier is no miracle of birth. It is a biological urge to procreate. If you are religious then it was a punishment for eve. 🤷
This is your wedding. Your pets are your family. They've provided love and support to you and your partner and I admire that you plan to honor them by being a part of your wedding.Your SIL needs to grow up and realize that she and her kids are not the center of the universe. Congratulations!
Someone in the reddit comments above nailed it saying "the children are THEIR "Rainbow Babies" not the bride and grooms. The bride and grooms babies are their pets." IMO that's all there is too it and SIL has some issues for just assuming her miracles already had the job.
First of all, we need to get rid of that term 'rainbow baby'. It's a baby, not a consolation prize. It is no more special than any other child that is born. Secondly, raising these kids to believe they're the second coming will do no one any favors. Those kids are going to be groomed to be monsters, then they'll be unleashed on the rest of us to deal with. And the world does not care that these are royal 'rainbow' babies. I can't even describe how much I hate that term.
The miracle happened four years ago, your SIL could stop already. I really am hung up on how she magically had a picture of her daughter in a flower girl dress tho, unless she was a flower girl at a different wedding from recently.
I also walk my cat and he is very well trained. He is a therapy animal.
The SIL wants to hijack the wedding as an opportunity to showcase HER children.
It's OP and her husband's wedding, not the sister's. I sympathize for her past trauma, and I find it endearing that she seems to fawn over her children, but it's rude to just automatically assume her children will be fulfilling these roles when it's not even her wedding to begin with. It's fair that OP would give these roles to the pets. After all, it's not uncommon that people regard their pets as simply more than just animals, they're family to quite a large margin of people.
If the dog and cat thing falls through, they can always ask two of the OTHER grandchildren to fill those roles, and sit back and enjoy the fireworks shitshow. Then pack up the furbabies and just elope to a vacation destination. F**k SIL and her crotch goblins.
Miscarriage suck, don't get me wrong. But when I hear the term Rainbow Baby, I immediately think F***ing Brat & Psycho Parents. I hope they stick with their furbabies and the SIL doesn't cause trouble.
I have a question as a non-native English speaker; Isn't a Rainbow Baby generally the child of an LGBTQ+ couple? I've only seen the term of rainbow children in this context so far and I am honestly a bit confused about it. This woman and husband are apparently not a rainbow family, so why are the children referred to as rainbow children? Just because she wants them to be special, even though they don't even fit the term?
In this context, the term Rainbow Baby, is used when a couple have had difficulty having a child. It could be due to miscarriage, stillbirth or termination for medical reasons.
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It's a new tradition that's coming up. Plenty of people have dogs in their weddings these days & I think it's sweet. If they're worried about the cat running off, they can use & decorate a pet pram. My friend's MOH pulled their small dog in a little red wagon. Anything goes.
As someone who has had cats, dogs, and a herd of beagles, I don't think I would do the pets. They may be unpredictable in a crowd and unfamiliar circumstances. However, I also would not be blackmailed into using the "rainbow", super-entitled kids, either. I might just forgo the ring bearer and flower girl just to make a point and avoid it altogether.
NTA. And if she gives the kids those roles, it will be all about them, her brother and SIL.
Those kids are going to be the most entitled a******s on the planet & the SIL will continue to push them on everyone. The name Rainbow babies just stands for Future Entitled A******s of America.
Those kids are not special. They are not 'rainbow babies" (what a stupid name). They were born, special part over. The doctors and nurses who did the IVF treatment are the rockstars but the SIL wants to make her dumb crotchfruit the center of the celebrations. The kids did nothing but be squirted out of her vagoo. If OP reads this, you do you OP. Your SIL can go p**s off.
It's simple. Your wedding, your choice. I love the idea of your pets being the fg and rb. Nobody gets to dictate your wedding but you and your finance.is it traditional (from the 1800s)no. But weddings are what the couple want. Mine wasn't traditional. My bff was a man so I had a gentleman of honor (moh suppose to be your bff) I didn't like the song most brides walk down the aisle to, but I loved the theme music from the beauty and the beast tv show (with Linda Hamilton and Ron perlman), so that was walked down the aisle. And our first dance "mommy he's crazy" by the Judds. Be prepared that sis is going to throw a fit and get other family members to back her up. If you have to block them. Let her know that is your final decision, so she can come to the wedding as it stands orthey can stay home. That's her decision. Don't let you family bully you to change your mind. Stand by your decision. Unfortunately weddings and funerals bring the worst out in family. Congratulations & good luck
My Sister tried via my mother to get my nieces as my wife's bridesmaids, because "it might be the only chance they get to do it". She was told where to go and shut up after that.
I’m worried about SIL’s children. We went through horrible times, with multiple losses, before our daughter was born earlier this year. Yeah, we consider ourselves incredibly fortunate that it finally happened for us, but we also recognise that our daughter is a child like any other, and needs to be raised like any other. It sounds like those kids are going to grow up spoiled and demanding, like their mother. Anyway, in this particular situation, SIL should understand that OP’s wedding is NOT ABOUT HER!
I hate such „family“ members. Thankfully I don‘t have any like this, but from what I read on the internet…. Uff. Those people are not family, they are just out for all they can get
It's sad they had all those losses but the kids they have are going to be so spoiled and obnoxious that all the other grandkids will end up hating them. I'm figuring most of the adults in the family probably will too. Sad their parents are messing them up like this. Makes you wonder should they have had any at all if they are just going to turn them horrible!?!
I'd let the dog be ring bearer. Trusting a cat with an expensive item, yikes! Or use a fake ring for the ceremony, and don't tell the cat!
I was a rainbow baby (my birthing unit had miscarried before me), I never got special treatment. I don't understand the idea of lavishing a kid in special attention their whole lives if they were a rainbow baby--all it does is fail to prepare them for the real world and make them believe they're entitled to everyone's attention just for being born.
It’s their f****n wedding and it should be about them and their choices, end of, let the pets take the roles, SIL needs a Houston to Earth check 🙄
She said the cat is trained to walk on a leash and you come to a particular treat pouch.
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Was only posted on Reddit 18 days ago so sadly we'll have to be patient!
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Rainbow babies are not that special. I also have 2. They are 5 & 3 now. And I stopped using that term just after they turned 1. Lmfao second, my son was 4 last year for my sister's wedding and caused a huge scene before the wedding and was supposed to be apart of it but didn't in the end. So I could imagine it could happen at that wedding too. Lmao but I really just never understood why people take rainbow baby to another level and act like those kids need to be beyond everyone else.
Yeah, no. SIL will take over the whole day. People get creepily obsessed about their kids' importance. My friend's MIL grabs the mic at every occasion (weddings, funerals, anniversaries, retirement parties) and gives a 20-minute ramble about her baby who died 30-some years ago and makes the whole room sing a song to him. I don't think the pets are a great idea because it will likely stress them, but if the couple is going to choose human attendants, they should choose some of the other grandkids. Kids notice if their cousins are treated better or more loved than they are, and if everyone obsesses over Ava and Liam, the other kids probably don't feel good about that.
You shouldn’t even ask: of course you’re NTA!!!! But your sister surely is. As someone wrote before, they are HER miracle babies, not yours.
ESH. There’s no way these animals will enjoy this. People should stop pretending their pets are children because they are not. The sil should not have pressed which makes her TAbut I bet the kids, especially the little girl would love being a flower girl. My little niece was always so disappointed she never got a chance to be one.
I didn't even have flower girls or ring bearers in my wedding.
Is it against tradition? Yes. But the wedding is for the bride and groom, not for the rest of the family. Granted, it is usually appreciated when the entire family is included and/or involved, but that doesn't entitle anyone to have any roles or be invited.
Their wedding, their choice. Anyone else's opinions don't matter. I do agree though that if the animals would be distressed by crowds, it would be a better idea to not use them, but the SIL has no right to demand her kids take those roles instead
I'm wondering if the pets are leash trained. If so maybe the kids could walk them down the aisle with the rings on their collars. But it comes down to this...it's your wedding not your SiL's. You shouldn't have to change your plans and wind up with regrets that your day wasn't your own to accommodate another person's desire.
I think having a cat and a dog at a wedding is awesome if the cat and dog are fine with it, tbh
Oh, hell no. I would have let my family walk all over me when I was younger. If they tried that s**t now, I would not hesitate to firmly, but civilly, tell them that it's not their day and I will not be doing as they wish. To go on even further... even if I didn't have plans for the flower girl and ring bearer and they did what the SIL did to OP, I'd have immediately told them the twins couldn't be in the wedding. Then, ensure they understood I was telling them no solely because of their entitled attitude. If they had come to me and asked something along the lines of, "It would mean a lot to us if you would consider having the twins in the wedding" I would have honestly considered it.
Not sure why the OP would think she is the AH.. it's her wedding, her day, and her choice. Well her and her fiancé's... unless you promised the SIL that her kids were going to get role, there shouldn't be any reason to think you are an AH..
OP's wedding; they get to choose. I didn't have a flower girl at my wedding. Instead, I had my two close-in-age grandnephews be heralds, ringing bells and carrying a banner that read "here comes the bride."(my older brother from my dad's prior marriage was 26 years older than me, so my nephew is 5 years younger than me) Sometimes people need to learn to accept no.
Your wedding should be whatever you want it to be. If OP and her fiance want their animals in their wedding, they should do it. As long as the dog doesn't poop on the church aisle white carpet, and the cat doesn't suddenly decide he doesn't like "those" treats any more and gets ticked off about the whole deal, all will be well. I think the couple should get to choose who and what they want in the wedding. SIL should give up on the idea of putting in the miracle twins. It's not her wedding and she"a not paying for it.
I revoke my original suggestion (all grandkids walk the pets down the aisle). I think it would be more inclusive to have all grandchildren take turns reciting a poem made entirely of the judgmental comments in this thread. The rest of the family can hold upvote & downvote signs, festively decorated in vintage Martha Stewart wedding magazine decoupage.
People need to quit bringing stupid s**t to strangers on the internet. You already know the answer. Hint: it's YOUR wedding.
Have the fur babies in the wedding however, since you have other niece's and nephews why not have them walk the fur babies down the isle. That might help them stay on point but still add to your special occasion. Just a thought.
I'd question whether the animals would enjoy the experience. If they would be comfortable, then, your wedding, your choice. You are under no obligation to include any children in the wedding party, and if you have other niblings, I'd be tempted to find roles for them instead, if the twins get to be the centre of attention most of the time.
I think the pet arguments are valid. And it's more than just getting them to walk down aisle. They will have a very busy day on their wedding and cannot honestly say they will have the bandwidth to take care them after the ceremony. But as an alternative to the rainbow babies, if their are other family members of that age, why not let them fulfill the duties. It may make them feel appreciated with so much attention going to these two. Or go without. Or do whatever. I think the pets well-being is the biggest concern here.
I agree with you about the pets' well-being. But if OP and her fiancé can pull it off with minimum stress, then they should go for it. However, if it doesn't work out, it would be better if they forego the flower girl and ring bearer. OP would not be able to justify choosing children other than the entitled SIL'S, which will cause nuclear drama.
Load More Replies... I don't think anyone is the A in this. Family always assumes they are in the wedding, since that's pretty traditional. It can be a bummer to be left out but it's also their wedding they can do what they want.
What about all of the other grandchildren? The SIL seems to believe *her* children should fill this role not only to the exclusion of the pets, but ahead of any other human children.
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I’m just gonna throw this comment out here for a change of pace, and something to think about. Sure, the people getting marrie get to decide the details of their own wedding, obviously. But in 20 years, the cat and dog will be dead. The kids will be growing into adults. I think it’s good to think about the larger role of weddings in the creation of a new family. By including other family members, rainbow babies or not, you are strengthening the bonds of relationships. As they grow, those rainbow babies may consider you their special aunt because they were in your wedding. In answering this question, it would be good to ask yourself, what kind of aunt do I want to be?
Whether the pets are alive or not, they carried OP AND her s/o through some very difficult times, to the extent that OP even admitted she may not have been here anymore without their presence in her life. I would say that carries a hell of a lot more weight than someone who just wants to prance their "special angel" around in a pretty dress to show her off, in an event that's not even about the child. SIL only cares about the image these roles portray. OP places more value of the participants' meaning in their lives. This one's an easy call. You got it wrong.
Load More Replies... Can you just make up a role? Let's them each hold a rainbow cutout, take a picture after the service. Then send them off to help in other ways. Ideas I've seen are Let them, with adult supervision, each light a candle. The classic on my family is that the little girl stands by the guestbook to ask people to sign it. Little boy escorts grandma to her seat. other ideas: have them hand out programs, have them hand out favors at the reception. Bonus points for having them dole out drink tickets.
The other children though? These aren't the only ones. The others aren't any less special just because their parents didn't have problems. If anything they sound like they are in danger of being spoiled and need to learn that they are no different to the others.
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Except she isn’t doing that. She’s doing what she wants at her and her fiancé’s wedding. You have to be delusional to think she’s choosing to cause a riff in the family.
Load More Replies... This idea would only be complete if all the other grandchildren were handed a beautifully written note which said “You are less important. We re-drew our wedding plans for these two children, but not for you.”
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How on earth did you reach that strange conclusion…?
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Firstly, all your concerns about the pets were addressed in the comments after the post. Secondly, she's not particularly close with the twins and has other nieces and nephews. SIL can be privately disappointed, but it's not her wedding. No one cares about her twins as much as she and her husband and do, and no one cares more for those animals than the bride and groom. Their wedding, their priorities.
Load More Replies... The SIL needs to chill. This wedding is about the couple getting married and not your "rainbow" babies. I'm sorry, but that term is ridiculous. They are going to turn into spoiled brats if she doesn't let up!
Just wanted to say the same thing, those kids will become quite arrogant and entitled if they expect everything to be served to them on a silver platter since their mom believes they're "super special".
Load More Replies... I think the bigger problem here is why are their children more important than the other grandkids that were previously mentioned? It's an easy out to state that it would not be fair to have them and not their cousins involved and there is no room for extra kids.
I agree with you. SIL needs to get over herself. I'm sure everyone is happy you had your children, but there are other grandchildren too!
Load More Replies... My only concern is whether or not the pets will be comfortable in the surroundings of a wedding. As many of the comments had mentioned above. The sounds, smells, and people may be overwhelming to them. It will likely be a scale of interaction that they've never seen before. They are NTA for wanting their pets to be in their wedding, I can understand that completely. I hope there's some way for them to test their pets, on a smaller scale, to see if they will be okay during a wedding. While many pets may be secure and outgoing in their homes, in a different venue, that can change dramatically. I wish them the best of luck with their pets and their family.
Same goes for toddlers honestly. It sounds like the mom is set on her kids being in the wedding.... But do the kids even want to do? Will they be able to do it or will they get overwhelmed? OP should keep in mind that the idea of doing it might be way more exciting to a 4 yo than the reality. The reality might be super scary and overwhelming.
Load More Replies... "My children are the center of the universe and should be the main attraction at your wedding." That's what she meant.
Honestly, and will get downvoted to hell for this (I am willing to accept this) I have always hated the term 'rainbow baby'. Every baby is special, and unique, and it's own little being, loved for being itself. It shouldn't have an extra pressure placed on it for being a replacement for a baby that was lost. It shouldn't have that extra burden of "I can't be wanted for me just being me, i must be the child that was born and didn't survive and the child that did survive, all at once'. And yes, I've had 2 children who survived, bookending 2 children who did not. But I never called the last one a rainbow child. The last one is special for being my child for being my child, not because they were a replacement for ones lost. It's terrible pressure to be placed on a child.
My mom was the same way. My two sisters are 7 and 9 years older than me. I have a brother (the 'rainbow' baby) who is 18 months older than me. He is 5 years younger than my second sister. In that 5 year gap, my parents were trying for another kid and had a miscarriage. He never got any special treatment for being a rainbow baby, neither have any of my second sister's kids. She had to get special injections done as soon as she learned she was pregnant, or she would lose the baby. She lost 3, one of which after fighting with the nursing staff that she needed the shot. Her kids are amazing and grounded. She wants to get a tattoo for all of her kids, including the miscarriages, but she never has placed a specific title or privileges on her kids, despite them both being 'rainbow' babies.
Load More Replies... Watch out! My SIL (husband's sister) held a grudge for decades because we had my brother's daughter as our flower girl and not hers. Except we didn't. No attendants but MOH and best man. But SIL didn't come to the wedding so how would she know?
If she held this grudge for decades because you realised she was ridiculous and so never bothered to explain, I will say: Maximum respect!
Load More Replies... In general i hate those people who react like this. The married couple tell them of their plan and the reaction is that should be my kids role because they are my precious kids. they are your kids so why should others be forced to give them special roles in their lives. not everyone cares about your kids the way you do.
So I'd never heard the term "rainbow baby" before and had to look it up. After seeing the definition includes loss by miscarriage as well as other causes, the first thing I thought was "doesn't that make *most* of us rainbow babies??" Miscarriage is so sadly common, and how many women have one without even realizing it's more than a very heavy period? SIL's kids aren't special!
NTA. If the happy couple want Spiderman as the ring bearer, Storm as the MOH, and Deadpool as the officiant, so be it! It's YOUR wedding, YOU are the ones paying for it, and YOU know how you want the ceremony and reception to go. SIL needs to pop a couple of granola bars in her piehole and just enjoy the event. Her children are not supposed to be the center of attention on that particular day. If you and your fiancé want your furbabies in the ceremony, and they won't get stressed out, go for it. If SIL (or anyone else, for that matter) keeps giving you grief about it, give them a choice: drop the subject or stay home. Then walk away. Either way, it will be a lovely time for you.
Now I kind of want Spiderman as the ring bearer, Storm as the MOH and Deadpool as the officiant of my wedding. But that clashes with my plan to get married on a pirate ship during a sword fight...
Load More Replies... After she showed the picture, would have been a good time to also mention that it was going to a child free wedding.
Totally this. I dont have a lot of family and no really young children in my orbit, but if I had, you can bet my wedding would have been child free.
Load More Replies... Yeesh what's happened to the world. People are so entitled these days. If you want a drunk homeless person to be your ring bearer then that's up to you, who gives a s**t about tradition and no offence someone's babies. Loads of pregnancies are difficult does that mean all the special babies should get the best jobs when there older, or priority in the supermarket. Poor kidd are gonna grow up quite entitled aren't they?
Tradition is such a stupid reason to do most things, isn't it?! Their wedding, their choice.
Load More Replies... I dislike when people think they have any say unless they are footing the bill. Just like when parents tell their kids who are getting married they have to invite all these people they know or have known and they cannot afford to feed all those people or find venues large enough. Keep out of wedding planning unless it’s coming out of your wallet.
I get angry when they think they have a say if they ARE footing the bill. Money doesn't mean you control every aspect or any. I had this conversation with a relative when I was in college. No, you don't get to decide my classes, where I live, my sex life, etc. You give money because you want me to get an education. In the same vein you are giving money to the couple for the wedding. You are not buying control.
Load More Replies... Those kids are going to be insufferable. People are already catering to them just for existing. If it were me, I would uninvite the whole family. They WILL show up with them on the day. When my family started getting bossy with my wedding we cancelled it and went to City Hall.
What about the other grandchildren, they should be just as the rainbow twins to the family. My dog walked my wife and me into our wedding and it was magical
I love that. How neat to have your dog walk you guys into the chuch
Load More Replies... I never heard the term “rainbow baby” till mine was almost 30 years old. I had no idea we were supposed to force everyone to treat her as though she was royalty and super-special. I can understand when your child becomes your life, but expecting someone who barely knows them (lives across the country) to put them in their wedding is ridiculous. When my RAINBOW BABY got married, her dog was the ring bearer, her brother was her Man of Honor, and her sister officiated. The Best Man didn’t care he was standing opposite another man (who was holding the dog’s leash). Because she’s a RAINBOW BABY (seriously, I’m gonna keep doing that), maybe we should have made her be her own flower girl.
So sick of people acting like thier kids are more important than others animals. A lot of us pet PARENTS love our animals dearly. Also they are cheaper, more loyal and loving than most kids out there. Thier is no miracle of birth. It is a biological urge to procreate. If you are religious then it was a punishment for eve. 🤷
This is your wedding. Your pets are your family. They've provided love and support to you and your partner and I admire that you plan to honor them by being a part of your wedding.Your SIL needs to grow up and realize that she and her kids are not the center of the universe. Congratulations!
Someone in the reddit comments above nailed it saying "the children are THEIR "Rainbow Babies" not the bride and grooms. The bride and grooms babies are their pets." IMO that's all there is too it and SIL has some issues for just assuming her miracles already had the job.
First of all, we need to get rid of that term 'rainbow baby'. It's a baby, not a consolation prize. It is no more special than any other child that is born. Secondly, raising these kids to believe they're the second coming will do no one any favors. Those kids are going to be groomed to be monsters, then they'll be unleashed on the rest of us to deal with. And the world does not care that these are royal 'rainbow' babies. I can't even describe how much I hate that term.
The miracle happened four years ago, your SIL could stop already. I really am hung up on how she magically had a picture of her daughter in a flower girl dress tho, unless she was a flower girl at a different wedding from recently.
I also walk my cat and he is very well trained. He is a therapy animal.
The SIL wants to hijack the wedding as an opportunity to showcase HER children.
It's OP and her husband's wedding, not the sister's. I sympathize for her past trauma, and I find it endearing that she seems to fawn over her children, but it's rude to just automatically assume her children will be fulfilling these roles when it's not even her wedding to begin with. It's fair that OP would give these roles to the pets. After all, it's not uncommon that people regard their pets as simply more than just animals, they're family to quite a large margin of people.
If the dog and cat thing falls through, they can always ask two of the OTHER grandchildren to fill those roles, and sit back and enjoy the fireworks shitshow. Then pack up the furbabies and just elope to a vacation destination. F**k SIL and her crotch goblins.
Miscarriage suck, don't get me wrong. But when I hear the term Rainbow Baby, I immediately think F***ing Brat & Psycho Parents. I hope they stick with their furbabies and the SIL doesn't cause trouble.
I have a question as a non-native English speaker; Isn't a Rainbow Baby generally the child of an LGBTQ+ couple? I've only seen the term of rainbow children in this context so far and I am honestly a bit confused about it. This woman and husband are apparently not a rainbow family, so why are the children referred to as rainbow children? Just because she wants them to be special, even though they don't even fit the term?
In this context, the term Rainbow Baby, is used when a couple have had difficulty having a child. It could be due to miscarriage, stillbirth or termination for medical reasons.
Load More Replies... It's a new tradition that's coming up. Plenty of people have dogs in their weddings these days & I think it's sweet. If they're worried about the cat running off, they can use & decorate a pet pram. My friend's MOH pulled their small dog in a little red wagon. Anything goes.
As someone who has had cats, dogs, and a herd of beagles, I don't think I would do the pets. They may be unpredictable in a crowd and unfamiliar circumstances. However, I also would not be blackmailed into using the "rainbow", super-entitled kids, either. I might just forgo the ring bearer and flower girl just to make a point and avoid it altogether.
NTA. And if she gives the kids those roles, it will be all about them, her brother and SIL.
Those kids are going to be the most entitled a******s on the planet & the SIL will continue to push them on everyone. The name Rainbow babies just stands for Future Entitled A******s of America.
Those kids are not special. They are not 'rainbow babies" (what a stupid name). They were born, special part over. The doctors and nurses who did the IVF treatment are the rockstars but the SIL wants to make her dumb crotchfruit the center of the celebrations. The kids did nothing but be squirted out of her vagoo. If OP reads this, you do you OP. Your SIL can go p**s off.
It's simple. Your wedding, your choice. I love the idea of your pets being the fg and rb. Nobody gets to dictate your wedding but you and your finance.is it traditional (from the 1800s)no. But weddings are what the couple want. Mine wasn't traditional. My bff was a man so I had a gentleman of honor (moh suppose to be your bff) I didn't like the song most brides walk down the aisle to, but I loved the theme music from the beauty and the beast tv show (with Linda Hamilton and Ron perlman), so that was walked down the aisle. And our first dance "mommy he's crazy" by the Judds. Be prepared that sis is going to throw a fit and get other family members to back her up. If you have to block them. Let her know that is your final decision, so she can come to the wedding as it stands orthey can stay home. That's her decision. Don't let you family bully you to change your mind. Stand by your decision. Unfortunately weddings and funerals bring the worst out in family. Congratulations & good luck
My Sister tried via my mother to get my nieces as my wife's bridesmaids, because "it might be the only chance they get to do it". She was told where to go and shut up after that.
I’m worried about SIL’s children. We went through horrible times, with multiple losses, before our daughter was born earlier this year. Yeah, we consider ourselves incredibly fortunate that it finally happened for us, but we also recognise that our daughter is a child like any other, and needs to be raised like any other. It sounds like those kids are going to grow up spoiled and demanding, like their mother. Anyway, in this particular situation, SIL should understand that OP’s wedding is NOT ABOUT HER!
I hate such „family“ members. Thankfully I don‘t have any like this, but from what I read on the internet…. Uff. Those people are not family, they are just out for all they can get
It's sad they had all those losses but the kids they have are going to be so spoiled and obnoxious that all the other grandkids will end up hating them. I'm figuring most of the adults in the family probably will too. Sad their parents are messing them up like this. Makes you wonder should they have had any at all if they are just going to turn them horrible!?!
I'd let the dog be ring bearer. Trusting a cat with an expensive item, yikes! Or use a fake ring for the ceremony, and don't tell the cat!
I was a rainbow baby (my birthing unit had miscarried before me), I never got special treatment. I don't understand the idea of lavishing a kid in special attention their whole lives if they were a rainbow baby--all it does is fail to prepare them for the real world and make them believe they're entitled to everyone's attention just for being born.
It’s their f****n wedding and it should be about them and their choices, end of, let the pets take the roles, SIL needs a Houston to Earth check 🙄
She said the cat is trained to walk on a leash and you come to a particular treat pouch.
Load More Replies... Was only posted on Reddit 18 days ago so sadly we'll have to be patient!
Load More Replies... Rainbow babies are not that special. I also have 2. They are 5 & 3 now. And I stopped using that term just after they turned 1. Lmfao second, my son was 4 last year for my sister's wedding and caused a huge scene before the wedding and was supposed to be apart of it but didn't in the end. So I could imagine it could happen at that wedding too. Lmao but I really just never understood why people take rainbow baby to another level and act like those kids need to be beyond everyone else.
Yeah, no. SIL will take over the whole day. People get creepily obsessed about their kids' importance. My friend's MIL grabs the mic at every occasion (weddings, funerals, anniversaries, retirement parties) and gives a 20-minute ramble about her baby who died 30-some years ago and makes the whole room sing a song to him. I don't think the pets are a great idea because it will likely stress them, but if the couple is going to choose human attendants, they should choose some of the other grandkids. Kids notice if their cousins are treated better or more loved than they are, and if everyone obsesses over Ava and Liam, the other kids probably don't feel good about that.
You shouldn’t even ask: of course you’re NTA!!!! But your sister surely is. As someone wrote before, they are HER miracle babies, not yours.
ESH. There’s no way these animals will enjoy this. People should stop pretending their pets are children because they are not. The sil should not have pressed which makes her TAbut I bet the kids, especially the little girl would love being a flower girl. My little niece was always so disappointed she never got a chance to be one.
I didn't even have flower girls or ring bearers in my wedding.
Is it against tradition? Yes. But the wedding is for the bride and groom, not for the rest of the family. Granted, it is usually appreciated when the entire family is included and/or involved, but that doesn't entitle anyone to have any roles or be invited.
Their wedding, their choice. Anyone else's opinions don't matter. I do agree though that if the animals would be distressed by crowds, it would be a better idea to not use them, but the SIL has no right to demand her kids take those roles instead
I'm wondering if the pets are leash trained. If so maybe the kids could walk them down the aisle with the rings on their collars. But it comes down to this...it's your wedding not your SiL's. You shouldn't have to change your plans and wind up with regrets that your day wasn't your own to accommodate another person's desire.
I think having a cat and a dog at a wedding is awesome if the cat and dog are fine with it, tbh
Oh, hell no. I would have let my family walk all over me when I was younger. If they tried that s**t now, I would not hesitate to firmly, but civilly, tell them that it's not their day and I will not be doing as they wish. To go on even further... even if I didn't have plans for the flower girl and ring bearer and they did what the SIL did to OP, I'd have immediately told them the twins couldn't be in the wedding. Then, ensure they understood I was telling them no solely because of their entitled attitude. If they had come to me and asked something along the lines of, "It would mean a lot to us if you would consider having the twins in the wedding" I would have honestly considered it.
Not sure why the OP would think she is the AH.. it's her wedding, her day, and her choice. Well her and her fiancé's... unless you promised the SIL that her kids were going to get role, there shouldn't be any reason to think you are an AH..
OP's wedding; they get to choose. I didn't have a flower girl at my wedding. Instead, I had my two close-in-age grandnephews be heralds, ringing bells and carrying a banner that read "here comes the bride."(my older brother from my dad's prior marriage was 26 years older than me, so my nephew is 5 years younger than me) Sometimes people need to learn to accept no.
Your wedding should be whatever you want it to be. If OP and her fiance want their animals in their wedding, they should do it. As long as the dog doesn't poop on the church aisle white carpet, and the cat doesn't suddenly decide he doesn't like "those" treats any more and gets ticked off about the whole deal, all will be well. I think the couple should get to choose who and what they want in the wedding. SIL should give up on the idea of putting in the miracle twins. It's not her wedding and she"a not paying for it.
I revoke my original suggestion (all grandkids walk the pets down the aisle). I think it would be more inclusive to have all grandchildren take turns reciting a poem made entirely of the judgmental comments in this thread. The rest of the family can hold upvote & downvote signs, festively decorated in vintage Martha Stewart wedding magazine decoupage.
People need to quit bringing stupid s**t to strangers on the internet. You already know the answer. Hint: it's YOUR wedding.
Have the fur babies in the wedding however, since you have other niece's and nephews why not have them walk the fur babies down the isle. That might help them stay on point but still add to your special occasion. Just a thought.
I'd question whether the animals would enjoy the experience. If they would be comfortable, then, your wedding, your choice. You are under no obligation to include any children in the wedding party, and if you have other niblings, I'd be tempted to find roles for them instead, if the twins get to be the centre of attention most of the time.
I think the pet arguments are valid. And it's more than just getting them to walk down aisle. They will have a very busy day on their wedding and cannot honestly say they will have the bandwidth to take care them after the ceremony. But as an alternative to the rainbow babies, if their are other family members of that age, why not let them fulfill the duties. It may make them feel appreciated with so much attention going to these two. Or go without. Or do whatever. I think the pets well-being is the biggest concern here.
I agree with you about the pets' well-being. But if OP and her fiancé can pull it off with minimum stress, then they should go for it. However, if it doesn't work out, it would be better if they forego the flower girl and ring bearer. OP would not be able to justify choosing children other than the entitled SIL'S, which will cause nuclear drama.
Load More Replies... I don't think anyone is the A in this. Family always assumes they are in the wedding, since that's pretty traditional. It can be a bummer to be left out but it's also their wedding they can do what they want.
What about all of the other grandchildren? The SIL seems to believe *her* children should fill this role not only to the exclusion of the pets, but ahead of any other human children.
Load More Replies... I’m just gonna throw this comment out here for a change of pace, and something to think about. Sure, the people getting marrie get to decide the details of their own wedding, obviously. But in 20 years, the cat and dog will be dead. The kids will be growing into adults. I think it’s good to think about the larger role of weddings in the creation of a new family. By including other family members, rainbow babies or not, you are strengthening the bonds of relationships. As they grow, those rainbow babies may consider you their special aunt because they were in your wedding. In answering this question, it would be good to ask yourself, what kind of aunt do I want to be?
Whether the pets are alive or not, they carried OP AND her s/o through some very difficult times, to the extent that OP even admitted she may not have been here anymore without their presence in her life. I would say that carries a hell of a lot more weight than someone who just wants to prance their "special angel" around in a pretty dress to show her off, in an event that's not even about the child. SIL only cares about the image these roles portray. OP places more value of the participants' meaning in their lives. This one's an easy call. You got it wrong.
Load More Replies... Can you just make up a role? Let's them each hold a rainbow cutout, take a picture after the service. Then send them off to help in other ways. Ideas I've seen are Let them, with adult supervision, each light a candle. The classic on my family is that the little girl stands by the guestbook to ask people to sign it. Little boy escorts grandma to her seat. other ideas: have them hand out programs, have them hand out favors at the reception. Bonus points for having them dole out drink tickets.
The other children though? These aren't the only ones. The others aren't any less special just because their parents didn't have problems. If anything they sound like they are in danger of being spoiled and need to learn that they are no different to the others.
Load More Replies... Except she isn’t doing that. She’s doing what she wants at her and her fiancé’s wedding. You have to be delusional to think she’s choosing to cause a riff in the family.
Load More Replies... This idea would only be complete if all the other grandchildren were handed a beautifully written note which said “You are less important. We re-drew our wedding plans for these two children, but not for you.”
Load More Replies... How on earth did you reach that strange conclusion…?
Load More Replies... Firstly, all your concerns about the pets were addressed in the comments after the post. Secondly, she's not particularly close with the twins and has other nieces and nephews. SIL can be privately disappointed, but it's not her wedding. No one cares about her twins as much as she and her husband and do, and no one cares more for those animals than the bride and groom. Their wedding, their priorities.
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