500 Lb Woman With Special Needs Is Too Violent To Be Enrolled In Day Programs, So Her Parents Drop Her Off At Neighbor’s To Be Babysat Without Warning
Interview
When people repeatedly do things out of the kindness of their hearts, others might make using their help a habit. That’s what happened to the redditor u/Soggy-Golf9150, who opened up to the AITAH community about having to look after her neighbors’ daughter time and again.
The daughter is in her late twenties-early thirties and has special needs, which is why she needs supervision. However, instead of finding someone to care for her, the young woman’s parents rely on their neighbor to do that. Scroll down to find the full story.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP and they were kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find their thoughts in the text below.
Repeatedly helping others might lead to them taking advantage of certain situations
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
This person had to repeatedly look after their neighbor’s special needs daughter
Image credits: valeriygoncharukphoto (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
Image credits: seventyfourimages (not the actual photo)
Credits: Soggy-Golf9510
It all started as a one-time favor a couple of years ago
The OP told Bored Panda that it all started two years ago. “It was supposed to be a one-time thing. The parents had an event and they had hired a sitter, who then canceled at the last minute and they asked me to help for the evening. The daughter has been coming over since. The frequency in which she comes over varies, sometimes not at all to multiple times a week.”
According to the ‘Caregiving in the U.S. 2020’ report, roughly 53 million Americans provided unpaid care to an adult or a child with special needs in 2020—a noticeable increase from 43.5 million in 2015. Out of them, roughly 19% cared for a person over 18 years of age. The data also revealed that 6% of unpaid caregivers were taking care of an adult child and as much as 10% of them helped out their friends or neighbors.
Assisting friends and neighbors with childcare is not an uncommon phenomenon. That is why quite a lot of children are raised with the help of Family, Friend and Neighbor (FNN) Care, which is arguably the most common type of non-parental child care in the US. However, FNN caregivers agree to take on the responsibility themselves, unlike the OP, who wasn’t even asked to look after their neighbor’s daughter, nor had the proper training to do so.
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Proper training can help ensure the safety of both the caregiver and the person they’re looking after
The ‘Caregiving in the U.S. 2020’ report also revealed that 38% of surveyed people admit that respite care would be helpful; however, only 14% of families seek it. The OP shared that their neighbors wouldn’t seek professional assistance because it was too expensive or they wouldn’t get it as Mary is known to get violent. However, the latter is why the redditor was unwilling to look after their neighbor’s daughter any longer themselves, as they were worried about their own safety.
“What upsets me the most is that the parents never ask me if I can watch their daughter, they just leave her and they do so knowing that she has a history of violence, and that I’m not a licensed or trained caregiver,” the OP told Bored Panda.
Essential Skills Training and Recruitment pointed out that proper training ensures the safety of the caregiver and the person they support likewise. It allows the caregiver to identify and manage potential risks and hazards, as they learn about safety protocols, first aid, emergency procedures, and situation control. The OP has never undergone such training, which is one of the reasons some redditors suggested they should inform certain institutions about the situation.
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
The OP provided more details in the comment section
Redditors shared their thoughts and advice in the comments as well
143Kviews
Share on Facebook
She needs to get social services involved. Mary's parents are neglecting her and this is a form of abuse. There will be adult safeguarding services for the OP to contact. Sod what the parents think, they clearly don't GAF about the neighbour or the daughter.
The parents behaviour is absolutely wrong, but I wouldn't be so sure that her parents don't care for her. The relationship both the daughter and parents are stuck with is inevitably a difficult if not toxic one. The care for the daughter might consume so much energy and nerve from the parents that they basically "flee" from the whole situation. They might be reluctant to get specialists involved for the fear of "abandoning" the daughter, while telling the kind hearted neighbour, that she was too violent for this institutions. It doesn't sound like she got violent with OP, so I don't believe it's as much of a problem, as the parents act like. But if you are stuck with it for decades like the parents, they might be in a constant state of vigilance at home and are completely stressed out. For the sake of the mental and physical health of all parties involved, I hope OP calls the authorities as soon as possible.
Load More Replies...
Calling social services doesn't immediately cause trouble for anyone. Just explain the entire situation, how troubled you are about all this and how it is putting you in a situation you should not be involved in. Those parents keep leaving their special needs daughter alone, ignore the fact that she is massively overweight and basically make her your responsibility, which is not only dangerous, but a legal nightmare.
They might be aware that her weight is a huge problem, but having experience with a similar situation back when I was working with special needs people, it might be impossible to put her on a diet. Thanks to her size, weight and aggression the parents are simply to afraid to not give her the quantities of food she wants. In the worst case scenario she might eat herself to death without anyone being able to stop it.
Load More Replies...
Why on earth does OP need advice on the matter of "AITA"? Mary needs special care from experts, OP is not a special care institution. I don't know where this is going on, but in most countries special care exists, in a wide variety to cater for every need. Some payment would be required, the parents need to check if they can get support.
They probably are receiving financial help but using it on themselves. They'd save money on dumping her on the neighbour also.
Load More Replies...
You know why the parents are fine with walking all over OP? Because OP is letting them. First time that woman showed up at my door saying parents were gone and she was scared and hungry would have had me calling the police. She is not OP's responsibility whatsoever. But until she gets a spine it's not going to stop.
Oh boy, this situation is messed up. Some sort of authorities clearly need to get involved in this situation. The neglect of both her being dangerously obese and the parents abandoning her might not be out of malicious intend, but because the parents are overwhelmed with the whole situation. Back when I worked with special needs adults we had a guy, who was about 150kg/300lbs, blind and had the mental capacity of a two year old including the aggression level of a two year old. He became more and more obese and the family and us couldn't do anything about it. If he didn't get as much food as he wanted he would throw a tantrum that would either hurt himself or someone else badly. You couldn't logic or reason with him, not enough food equals violence. Before he spent 6h per day in hour institution, his mother was completely overwhelmed and neglected her other children.
Both parents were reluctant to let him go to the adult day care, because in their eyes it was abandoning their child and would put shame on their family. Once they agreed to the day care everyone's life got better! The mother had time for herself for the first time and also for her other children, they could actually do family activities and enjoy life. The relationship to the son also improved because he could learn new stuff and had people who genuinely cared for him and wanted to improve his life and skills. It would be extremely helpful to the family in the story to take similar actions.
Load More Replies... They must be getting some form of government pay to take care of their daughter, as they clearly don't care about her but perhaps money, otherwise they would hand her over to some type of facility.
She weighs 500lbs and has aggression problems. I worked with special needs people and I assure you, no government on this planet pays you more money, then Mary will cost you. They probably do care for her, but probably are completely overwhelmed by the situation, so they "flee" the scene. It's still neglect, so let's hope OP gets authorities involved.
Load More Replies... 1. I don‘t beleve Mary does get violent. To me this sounds made up by the parents to justify their neglect. 2. the neighbour definitely needs to get some social services involved. Those „parents“ are bad for Mary.
I want to add to my last comment that I have a special needs kid who is now 100lbs larger than me and had a huge problem with being violent to other family members. I had to call the police to help a few times when home alone and you can have the police put a flag on your address (at least in the US) where when a 911 call is made they know they are responding to a person with some sort of disability and not come in guns a blazing if the person is still violent when they arrive. They are trained to try and deescalate and even came to my house after the flag (before I needed to make my first call for assistance) and met my son and chatted with him when he was calm. Don’t be ashamed to call for help if safety is an issue and yea weight does matter. I’ve been there trying to hold down a giant boy taller and heavier than me so he doesn’t harm himself or others.
Why doesn’t OP just not answer the door? Call APS and refuse to answer the door.
Neglect needs to be reported to the authorities. Also, do not open the door.
I think Mary's parents have reached the end of their tether. She is probably 500lbs because they fear what she will do if they tell her no, especially now that she has been expelled from the usual places that would take some of the strain. The whole situation sucks for everyone involved but OP needs to contact adult services before something disastrous happens.
Oh, how heartbreaking for Mary. Lots of advice from people in original comments about contacting adult protection services and other agencies, but no advice on how she will cope with feeling abandoned by someone who seems to care for her more than her own parents based on how kind she has been to this point—which is probably more the root of not escalating this to the proper organization than not wanting to get the parents in trouble. No one needs to be in jail, but interventions are overdue for identifying suitable care for Mary, who is a victim here.
Well Mary isn't the subject of this post, so of course it's not focused on her. This post was made by the neighbour who wants advice on how to get their life back, Mary is the symptom of the problem the neighbour needs to deal with. Fact is, what is and isn't best for Mary is ultimately irrelevant in this situation. Besides, how Mary feels about the situation is also less important than her being safe.
Load More Replies...
1. I have a 20-year-old son with autism. He cannot be left home alone. He can also get violent. 2. Legally speaking, if you continue to open your home you are creating a pattern of behavior wherein Mary's parents are relying upon you. In American law, when you help out, you are, in a way, creating an atmosphere wherein others no longer need to help - and it CAN be argued that you may be liable. This is SCREWED up. I would NEVER leave my son and hope that someone else picks up the slack for me. Your situation has gone way beyond common courtesy. It's literally a matter of life and death. Mary could easily die if she wanders away or easily be the cause of someone else's death. Your help is only enabling the parents to expose their daughter and the community to risk. Call the law immediately and keep her, yourself, and the community safe.
As a mother of a special needs adult, that can become violent I would never do this to someone. Op needs to contact APS immediately. And to the person that made the comment about this person eating themselves into being 500# is making assumptions. She may be that heavy due to other health issues or psych meds. As both can cause extreme weight gain.
They get a check for her care. They don't want to use it for her care. She may have prader Williams syndrome (sp). That's when the person can't tell if they are full and continue to eat. Parents may lock up the food. But to not tell you is wrong. She needs help. What happens when they die?
she has to keep the door shut and tell M to go away. the gonad donors have been warned. they need an additional one. M shows up one more time, the policer will be called. you withdraw taking care of her. you can quit a job. this is just lazy greedy breeders taking advantage.
Call adult protective services. Leaving this person alone constitutes neglect. Then, call the police if she shows up. Let the neighbors know that you will do that. It's very unfortunate but it sounds like she maybe should be in an institution that can figure out how to deal with her and possibly medicate her.
I'm a pediatric mental Heath RN. We deal w/ this issue a lot w/ our older kids. I want to express some sympathy for the parents but also share how we have to deal with it. Not all parents have the same level of coping skills or resilience. Many parents experience trauma & fear when their child reaches puberty & become more violent and bigger than them. Having professionals refuse or reject you child can leave them feeling hopeless. This is never an excuse for neglect but we can have sympathy even as we seek to correct the situation. As I believe the OP must be feeling when they don't want to "get them in trouble". More than once I have told a parent I was going to call & that it wasn't to get them in trouble but to get them resources. They all need help. It can be a very slow process & difficult for parents who are not mentally sound enough to follow up frequently. But you can start the process. Call whenever she is there for more than a visit. The squeaky wheel does get the oil.
APS NEEDS to be involved because a vulnerable adult is not being properly cared for. Perhaps the parents are deliberately neglectful. Perhaps they're simply burnt out. It doesn't matter. What matters is that a vulnerable adult who is a danger to both herself and others is not being properly cared for. What if she gets out, gets angry, and beats on a child? What if she picks a fight with a gun-toting criminal? She is not safe as things are, and that is all outside of the way the OP is being manipulated. Mary's safety and wellbeing is far more important than her parents' feelings. If Mary is violent, there are meds to resolve that. It's responsible and compassionate to medicate someone incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions to prevent them from violence.
Definitely call social services as this is a person who sounds like they need someone with special training and not a neighbor all hours of the day. This is neglect of a vulnerable adult by the parents. Mary needs a day program or be sent somewhere she can be safe and keep others safe or have the means to keep others safe.
First of all u arent an idiot for helping. However you have let it go on 4 so long, it would appear that you're ok with it. U r being taken advantage of for sure. As eleanor roosevelt said.."no one can take advantage of u without your consent". If u want to continue tell the parents u want X amount of dollars for payment. If u dont then tell them which is going 2 be difficult after doing it 4 a long time AND how the child/woman is going 2 take it as shes used to parking herself @ your house.
If this woman does not want to involve social services, then she's got to put up with this nonsense. And not write about it.
This woman is obviously deeply insecure and her neighbours have been taking advantage of her timidity and gaslighting her for years.
Load More Replies... She needs to get social services involved. Mary's parents are neglecting her and this is a form of abuse. There will be adult safeguarding services for the OP to contact. Sod what the parents think, they clearly don't GAF about the neighbour or the daughter.
The parents behaviour is absolutely wrong, but I wouldn't be so sure that her parents don't care for her. The relationship both the daughter and parents are stuck with is inevitably a difficult if not toxic one. The care for the daughter might consume so much energy and nerve from the parents that they basically "flee" from the whole situation. They might be reluctant to get specialists involved for the fear of "abandoning" the daughter, while telling the kind hearted neighbour, that she was too violent for this institutions. It doesn't sound like she got violent with OP, so I don't believe it's as much of a problem, as the parents act like. But if you are stuck with it for decades like the parents, they might be in a constant state of vigilance at home and are completely stressed out. For the sake of the mental and physical health of all parties involved, I hope OP calls the authorities as soon as possible.
Load More Replies... Calling social services doesn't immediately cause trouble for anyone. Just explain the entire situation, how troubled you are about all this and how it is putting you in a situation you should not be involved in. Those parents keep leaving their special needs daughter alone, ignore the fact that she is massively overweight and basically make her your responsibility, which is not only dangerous, but a legal nightmare.
They might be aware that her weight is a huge problem, but having experience with a similar situation back when I was working with special needs people, it might be impossible to put her on a diet. Thanks to her size, weight and aggression the parents are simply to afraid to not give her the quantities of food she wants. In the worst case scenario she might eat herself to death without anyone being able to stop it.
Load More Replies... Why on earth does OP need advice on the matter of "AITA"? Mary needs special care from experts, OP is not a special care institution. I don't know where this is going on, but in most countries special care exists, in a wide variety to cater for every need. Some payment would be required, the parents need to check if they can get support.
They probably are receiving financial help but using it on themselves. They'd save money on dumping her on the neighbour also.
Load More Replies... You know why the parents are fine with walking all over OP? Because OP is letting them. First time that woman showed up at my door saying parents were gone and she was scared and hungry would have had me calling the police. She is not OP's responsibility whatsoever. But until she gets a spine it's not going to stop.
Oh boy, this situation is messed up. Some sort of authorities clearly need to get involved in this situation. The neglect of both her being dangerously obese and the parents abandoning her might not be out of malicious intend, but because the parents are overwhelmed with the whole situation. Back when I worked with special needs adults we had a guy, who was about 150kg/300lbs, blind and had the mental capacity of a two year old including the aggression level of a two year old. He became more and more obese and the family and us couldn't do anything about it. If he didn't get as much food as he wanted he would throw a tantrum that would either hurt himself or someone else badly. You couldn't logic or reason with him, not enough food equals violence. Before he spent 6h per day in hour institution, his mother was completely overwhelmed and neglected her other children.
Both parents were reluctant to let him go to the adult day care, because in their eyes it was abandoning their child and would put shame on their family. Once they agreed to the day care everyone's life got better! The mother had time for herself for the first time and also for her other children, they could actually do family activities and enjoy life. The relationship to the son also improved because he could learn new stuff and had people who genuinely cared for him and wanted to improve his life and skills. It would be extremely helpful to the family in the story to take similar actions.
Load More Replies... They must be getting some form of government pay to take care of their daughter, as they clearly don't care about her but perhaps money, otherwise they would hand her over to some type of facility.
She weighs 500lbs and has aggression problems. I worked with special needs people and I assure you, no government on this planet pays you more money, then Mary will cost you. They probably do care for her, but probably are completely overwhelmed by the situation, so they "flee" the scene. It's still neglect, so let's hope OP gets authorities involved.
Load More Replies... 1. I don‘t beleve Mary does get violent. To me this sounds made up by the parents to justify their neglect. 2. the neighbour definitely needs to get some social services involved. Those „parents“ are bad for Mary.
I want to add to my last comment that I have a special needs kid who is now 100lbs larger than me and had a huge problem with being violent to other family members. I had to call the police to help a few times when home alone and you can have the police put a flag on your address (at least in the US) where when a 911 call is made they know they are responding to a person with some sort of disability and not come in guns a blazing if the person is still violent when they arrive. They are trained to try and deescalate and even came to my house after the flag (before I needed to make my first call for assistance) and met my son and chatted with him when he was calm. Don’t be ashamed to call for help if safety is an issue and yea weight does matter. I’ve been there trying to hold down a giant boy taller and heavier than me so he doesn’t harm himself or others.
Why doesn’t OP just not answer the door? Call APS and refuse to answer the door.
Neglect needs to be reported to the authorities. Also, do not open the door.
I think Mary's parents have reached the end of their tether. She is probably 500lbs because they fear what she will do if they tell her no, especially now that she has been expelled from the usual places that would take some of the strain. The whole situation sucks for everyone involved but OP needs to contact adult services before something disastrous happens.
Oh, how heartbreaking for Mary. Lots of advice from people in original comments about contacting adult protection services and other agencies, but no advice on how she will cope with feeling abandoned by someone who seems to care for her more than her own parents based on how kind she has been to this point—which is probably more the root of not escalating this to the proper organization than not wanting to get the parents in trouble. No one needs to be in jail, but interventions are overdue for identifying suitable care for Mary, who is a victim here.
Well Mary isn't the subject of this post, so of course it's not focused on her. This post was made by the neighbour who wants advice on how to get their life back, Mary is the symptom of the problem the neighbour needs to deal with. Fact is, what is and isn't best for Mary is ultimately irrelevant in this situation. Besides, how Mary feels about the situation is also less important than her being safe.
Load More Replies... 1. I have a 20-year-old son with autism. He cannot be left home alone. He can also get violent. 2. Legally speaking, if you continue to open your home you are creating a pattern of behavior wherein Mary's parents are relying upon you. In American law, when you help out, you are, in a way, creating an atmosphere wherein others no longer need to help - and it CAN be argued that you may be liable. This is SCREWED up. I would NEVER leave my son and hope that someone else picks up the slack for me. Your situation has gone way beyond common courtesy. It's literally a matter of life and death. Mary could easily die if she wanders away or easily be the cause of someone else's death. Your help is only enabling the parents to expose their daughter and the community to risk. Call the law immediately and keep her, yourself, and the community safe.
As a mother of a special needs adult, that can become violent I would never do this to someone. Op needs to contact APS immediately. And to the person that made the comment about this person eating themselves into being 500# is making assumptions. She may be that heavy due to other health issues or psych meds. As both can cause extreme weight gain.
They get a check for her care. They don't want to use it for her care. She may have prader Williams syndrome (sp). That's when the person can't tell if they are full and continue to eat. Parents may lock up the food. But to not tell you is wrong. She needs help. What happens when they die?
she has to keep the door shut and tell M to go away. the gonad donors have been warned. they need an additional one. M shows up one more time, the policer will be called. you withdraw taking care of her. you can quit a job. this is just lazy greedy breeders taking advantage.
Call adult protective services. Leaving this person alone constitutes neglect. Then, call the police if she shows up. Let the neighbors know that you will do that. It's very unfortunate but it sounds like she maybe should be in an institution that can figure out how to deal with her and possibly medicate her.
I'm a pediatric mental Heath RN. We deal w/ this issue a lot w/ our older kids. I want to express some sympathy for the parents but also share how we have to deal with it. Not all parents have the same level of coping skills or resilience. Many parents experience trauma & fear when their child reaches puberty & become more violent and bigger than them. Having professionals refuse or reject you child can leave them feeling hopeless. This is never an excuse for neglect but we can have sympathy even as we seek to correct the situation. As I believe the OP must be feeling when they don't want to "get them in trouble". More than once I have told a parent I was going to call & that it wasn't to get them in trouble but to get them resources. They all need help. It can be a very slow process & difficult for parents who are not mentally sound enough to follow up frequently. But you can start the process. Call whenever she is there for more than a visit. The squeaky wheel does get the oil.
APS NEEDS to be involved because a vulnerable adult is not being properly cared for. Perhaps the parents are deliberately neglectful. Perhaps they're simply burnt out. It doesn't matter. What matters is that a vulnerable adult who is a danger to both herself and others is not being properly cared for. What if she gets out, gets angry, and beats on a child? What if she picks a fight with a gun-toting criminal? She is not safe as things are, and that is all outside of the way the OP is being manipulated. Mary's safety and wellbeing is far more important than her parents' feelings. If Mary is violent, there are meds to resolve that. It's responsible and compassionate to medicate someone incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions to prevent them from violence.
Definitely call social services as this is a person who sounds like they need someone with special training and not a neighbor all hours of the day. This is neglect of a vulnerable adult by the parents. Mary needs a day program or be sent somewhere she can be safe and keep others safe or have the means to keep others safe.
First of all u arent an idiot for helping. However you have let it go on 4 so long, it would appear that you're ok with it. U r being taken advantage of for sure. As eleanor roosevelt said.."no one can take advantage of u without your consent". If u want to continue tell the parents u want X amount of dollars for payment. If u dont then tell them which is going 2 be difficult after doing it 4 a long time AND how the child/woman is going 2 take it as shes used to parking herself @ your house.
If this woman does not want to involve social services, then she's got to put up with this nonsense. And not write about it.
This woman is obviously deeply insecure and her neighbours have been taking advantage of her timidity and gaslighting her for years.
Load More Replies... 
112
46