Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
226
Woman Wonders If Leaving Her Disabled Boyfriend Would Make Her A Bad Person
A disability doesn’t have to be a death sentence. In fact, one in four Americans say they live with some form of disability. However, not everyone is able to cope with it the same. Some people fall into a deep depression, and not even their loved ones can help them.
This young woman found herself at a crossroads after her boyfriend became paralyzed from the waist down. Not being able to take his abusive behavior anymore, she’s now thinking about breaking up. Except she’s not sure how to deal with the guilt. So, she asked for some relationship advice online.
RELATED:
It can be hard to navigate a relationship after one partner suddenly becomes disabled
Image credits: SHVETS production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
This woman described being tired of her disabled BF’s apathy and cruelty but feeling guilt for thinking about leaving him
Image credits: Austin Guevara / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRAsotired123
Image credits: Vera Arsic / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Staying in an unhappy relationship is never the answer, even if your partner has a disability
A partner becoming disabled is probably one of the biggest challenges a couple can face. Your whole world changes, as most long-term plans crumble away and you have to start building a new life for the two of you.
In some ways, a partner acquiring a disability can be the ultimate test for a couple. Some couples manage to stay connected and communicate about their needs, maybe even making their relationships stronger. Others, unfortunately, might have one partner shutting down, as happened in this case.
Breaking up with someone who has a disability involves a lot of guilt, as no one wants to be, like the author said, “that person.” The partner faces a lot of questions: who will take care of the person after the breakup? Can we stay connected without being a couple? Will they understand why I’m doing this?
“But isn’t breaking up with somebody because of their disability morally wrong?”, you may ask. Well, staying because of it would be even worse. “Relationships sustain because of what you are as a human being,” Sexuality and Disability claims. Staying with someone because they’re disabled reduces them to their disability, and that’s just plainly not true.
Ultimately, no one should stay in a relationship that is bad for them. If a person doesn’t feel loved and appreciated, it might be time to say ‘goodbye,’ even if the partner is disabled. “Being in an unhappy relationship is often far more damaging than not being in one,” experts at Sexuality and Disability write.
Image credits: SHVETS production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Couples need to be honest about the disability in differently-abled relationships for them to be successful
After reading stories such as this, it might seem that all inter-abled couples are doomed. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. While dating a disabled person certainly comes with its challenges, there are many happy differently-abled couples.
The secrets to a successful inter-abled relationship are mostly the same as with any other regular couple. At least according to Ben Mattlin, author of In Sickness and In Health, who’s been in an inter-abled relationship with his wife for 32 years.
“Good communication, empathy, generosity, trust, respect, kindness, a sense of humor, open-mindedness, sharing, helpfulness, etc.,” he said in an interview with Vice. However, there is one thing he emphasizes: being honest about the disability. Or, rather, “the difference between the one who has a disability and the one who doesn’t.”
One mistake people often make, according to Mattlin, is to blame all their misfortunes on the disability. That includes unnecessary obstacles and society’s unfairness. “It’s not the disability’s fault if, say, it’s difficult to go out at night because the buses and nightclubs aren’t accessible, or if you need a break from each other but have no way to pay for personal-care assistance,” Mattlin explains.
Cristina Dorazio, PhD, an individual and couples psychologist in New York City, claims that being in an inter-abled relationship even has advantages. “It forces the couple to be brutally honest with themselves and each other, which only deepens communication and connection. These experiences allow couples to focus on all aspects of their lives, not just their physical limitations or abilities.”
People advised the young woman to put herself first; perhaps the breakup will be a wake-up call for the boyfriend to get some help
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
TribbleThinking 1 year ago
Abuse is abuse. He got a free pass for quite a while because of his tragic disability, but it wasn't a lifetime pass and rightly came with a time limit. Good luck, OP. You can honestly reassure yourself that you gave it your best shot.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
OP has every reason to leave. But reminder to everyone, you can break up with someone without there being a problem. You can just not want to date them, you can want to be single. Don't wait for years of trauma, it's ok to just break up.
azubi 1 year ago
Funny how noone referred to her statement that she always believed in a miraculous recovery. Maybe he sensed that she expected him to magically recover and couldn't keep up with the pressure? Either way, it seems that nothing good will come out if she stays.
LuckyL 1 year ago
Yes thought so too. But still no excuse for abusing her.
Load More Replies...
arthbach 1 year ago
One way to approach this is to go to a website that has a quiz regarding abusive relationships, and do their quiz. It can be quite eye opening when you are being asked specific questions, and can cause people to re-evaluate exactly what is going on. This sounds like an abusive relationship based on his anger and depression. The anger and depression are totally understandable, but that doesn't mean he can be abusive towards the people who love/care for him.
Tabitha 1 year ago (edited)
OP has had a good look at how her boyfriend is in the face of adversity. While he wasn’t in a wheelchair and life was going well, sure he was a great boyfriend. But swap out the wheelchair for being married with children, paying a mortgage, and the company he works for goes out of business, he’s unemployed for months, her job doesn’t pay enough to support the mortgage and bills, and they’re facing foreclosure and bankruptcy. Would he erupt in abusive behavior in that situation too? Yes, because he’s only a great partner when everything is going great. The second there’s a problem to overcome, he lashes out at the people closest to him—-because they’re the ones who will endure it out of love for him, but even they have their limits. He’s emotionally immature and can’t control his angry impulses. He may be young, but he’s old enough to have some kind of sense and the strength to adapt to his circumstances. Sure, most people who have life changing injuries act out initially. That’s a normal human reaction. But the ones who are emotionally mature and just have plain old common sense get past that and adapt to their new lives. Might not be what they had planned, but it’s what they’ve got, so they have to work with it. That’s a mature response, and generally doesn’t take years to come to. OP has given and given, and her love for him is exhausted and will turn to hate, because all she got from him was abuse. His mother wants her to stay? Has she witnessed any of the abuse her son is doing to OP? Has she intervened? I think not. OP needs to save herself and leave. She is most certainly NOT the bad guy for feeling the way she does.
Max Fox 1 year ago
I don't think that the comparison is valid - becoming disabled is not the same as have a mortgage and kids. There is a good chance that the accident also caused some mental damage beyond the physical. That being said - she should leave. She can't help him, and it's only hurting her.
Load More Replies...
Okiedokie 1 year ago
He’s effectively rejecting her bc he hates himself. It’s still not her fault. And she doesn’t deserve it. She is justified in leaving. You can’t make anyone love themselves. It’s sad what something like this does to people…really freaking sad. But no should suffer an abusive partner, disabled or not.
Deborah B 1 year ago
Disability doesn't excuse abuse. She needs to leave. She should write him a letter, and make it clear to him that it's his behavior and not the disability itself. He needs therapy, and to confront and come to terms with his emotions, and his disability. Only he can engage with therapy; she can't do it for him, and staying is not helping him recover. To be brutally honest: He may need her to leave in order for him to adjust. He is pushing her away, and part of the reason may be that her presence is an intollerable burden to him. Her being his carer places an emotional burden on him of dependency, guilt, shame and insecurity. He needs a paid carer - a role that is replaceable, and transactional - not codependency with someone he knows will not stay. Her leaving sets them both free.
meeeeeeeeeeee 1 year ago
Cares more about what people may think of her than her own life. I'll spend it miserable and abused in case people think I'm bad. Just shows the emotional abuse has taken it's toll, she see's no value in herself
TribbleThinking 1 year ago
Abuse is abuse. He got a free pass for quite a while because of his tragic disability, but it wasn't a lifetime pass and rightly came with a time limit. Good luck, OP. You can honestly reassure yourself that you gave it your best shot.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
OP has every reason to leave. But reminder to everyone, you can break up with someone without there being a problem. You can just not want to date them, you can want to be single. Don't wait for years of trauma, it's ok to just break up.
azubi 1 year ago
Funny how noone referred to her statement that she always believed in a miraculous recovery. Maybe he sensed that she expected him to magically recover and couldn't keep up with the pressure? Either way, it seems that nothing good will come out if she stays.
LuckyL 1 year ago
Yes thought so too. But still no excuse for abusing her.
Load More Replies... arthbach 1 year ago
One way to approach this is to go to a website that has a quiz regarding abusive relationships, and do their quiz. It can be quite eye opening when you are being asked specific questions, and can cause people to re-evaluate exactly what is going on. This sounds like an abusive relationship based on his anger and depression. The anger and depression are totally understandable, but that doesn't mean he can be abusive towards the people who love/care for him.
Tabitha 1 year ago (edited)
OP has had a good look at how her boyfriend is in the face of adversity. While he wasn’t in a wheelchair and life was going well, sure he was a great boyfriend. But swap out the wheelchair for being married with children, paying a mortgage, and the company he works for goes out of business, he’s unemployed for months, her job doesn’t pay enough to support the mortgage and bills, and they’re facing foreclosure and bankruptcy. Would he erupt in abusive behavior in that situation too? Yes, because he’s only a great partner when everything is going great. The second there’s a problem to overcome, he lashes out at the people closest to him—-because they’re the ones who will endure it out of love for him, but even they have their limits. He’s emotionally immature and can’t control his angry impulses. He may be young, but he’s old enough to have some kind of sense and the strength to adapt to his circumstances. Sure, most people who have life changing injuries act out initially. That’s a normal human reaction. But the ones who are emotionally mature and just have plain old common sense get past that and adapt to their new lives. Might not be what they had planned, but it’s what they’ve got, so they have to work with it. That’s a mature response, and generally doesn’t take years to come to. OP has given and given, and her love for him is exhausted and will turn to hate, because all she got from him was abuse. His mother wants her to stay? Has she witnessed any of the abuse her son is doing to OP? Has she intervened? I think not. OP needs to save herself and leave. She is most certainly NOT the bad guy for feeling the way she does.
Max Fox 1 year ago
I don't think that the comparison is valid - becoming disabled is not the same as have a mortgage and kids. There is a good chance that the accident also caused some mental damage beyond the physical. That being said - she should leave. She can't help him, and it's only hurting her.
Load More Replies... Okiedokie 1 year ago
He’s effectively rejecting her bc he hates himself. It’s still not her fault. And she doesn’t deserve it. She is justified in leaving. You can’t make anyone love themselves. It’s sad what something like this does to people…really freaking sad. But no should suffer an abusive partner, disabled or not.
Deborah B 1 year ago
Disability doesn't excuse abuse. She needs to leave. She should write him a letter, and make it clear to him that it's his behavior and not the disability itself. He needs therapy, and to confront and come to terms with his emotions, and his disability. Only he can engage with therapy; she can't do it for him, and staying is not helping him recover. To be brutally honest: He may need her to leave in order for him to adjust. He is pushing her away, and part of the reason may be that her presence is an intollerable burden to him. Her being his carer places an emotional burden on him of dependency, guilt, shame and insecurity. He needs a paid carer - a role that is replaceable, and transactional - not codependency with someone he knows will not stay. Her leaving sets them both free.
meeeeeeeeeeee 1 year ago
Cares more about what people may think of her than her own life. I'll spend it miserable and abused in case people think I'm bad. Just shows the emotional abuse has taken it's toll, she see's no value in herself
You May Like Unemployed Guy Expects Partner To Pay His Bills Until He Finds A ‘Perfect’ Job, Receives A Reality Check Woman Is Berated For "Disgusting Reaction" Because She Doesn't Support The Woman Husband Cheated With 68 Fantastic Games For Couples Wanting To Spend More Time Together
Viktorija Ošikaitė
Ilona Baliūnaitė
Eligijus Sinkunas
Related on Bored Panda
54
28