“Am I A Jerk For Banishing My Teenage Daughter’s Friend From Our House Because She Made Fun Of My Weight?”
When you think of your teenage years, what do you remember the most, dear Pandas? Is it hanging out with your friends and thinking how great life was? Is it how much freedom and fun you had every single day? Or do you think about how socially awkward you were? Those small moments when you do something incredibly embarrassing have a tendency to stick with you for years and years to come and you can remember them randomly, say in bed, in the shower, or in the meeting room right before your annual work review.
Almost everyone’s told a joke that didn’t land or made a quip that went over everyone’s head. It happens to the best of us. And don’t worry, if it hasn’t happened yet—it most certainly will. However, how many of you have been literally banished from someone else’s home for a spot of humor gone wrong?
Redditor u/Effective-Weekend-97 turned to the AITA online community to get their opinion on a sensitive matter. She asked them if she was wrong to forbid her daughter’s friend from ever coming over to their house again after she’d made a joke about her weight at dinner. The mom is insisting on an apology from the teenager. Scroll down for the full story.
Bored Panda reached out to u/Effective-Weekend-97 and we’ll update the article once we hear back from her. We also got in touch with comedy writer and single mom Ariane Sherine, who kindly shared what topics to avoid at the dinner table and what to do if you accidentally tell an offensive joke. Moreover, the comedy expert revealed how to approach the situation if your children’s friends cross social boundaries. You’ll find our full interview below.
A mom turned to the internet for advice after she literally banished her daughter’s friend after she made a comment about her weight
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Here is the woman’s story in full
Image credits: BOOM (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/Effective-Weekend-97
Comedy writer Ariane told Bored Panda what topics of conversation you should definitely want to avoid while having dinner over at someone else’s house. “Anything to do with weight, size, or eating too much food should definitely be avoided. Religion and politics are also best avoided,” she said.
“Maybe stick to puns and Dad jokes if you want to joke around people you don’t know! Dad jokes may elicit a groan but they won’t offend,” Ariane noted that it’s best to err on the side of safety.
Meanwhile, if you happen to mess up and you’ve offended someone (whether intentionally or by accident), the best approach is to say ‘sorry.’ If you were the target of the joke, try and move past it.
“Just apologize straight away if you told the joke. If you’re the butt of it, try to gloss over it (though it’s easier said than done!),” comedy expert Ariane told us.
Bored Panda also wanted to get Ariane’s take on how parents can enforce social boundaries with their kids’ friends. She said that this reminded her of an incident a few years back.
“I’m plus size and my daughter and her friend were sitting on a tyre swing which is very heavy. They called to me to push them on the swing. I sighed, because it takes a lot of work to push 70kg,” she told Bored Panda.
“Then my daughter’s friend, who was about eight years old, yelled: ‘Come on, dear sweet slightly overweight Ariane—you’ll burn some calories!’ So after that I said: ‘Nope, if you’re going to be rude, push your own swing!'” Ariane shared what happened.
“So they just sat on the swing and I kept sitting on the bench. I needed to show my daughter’s friend—in a polite way—that being rude wasn’t the way to get what she wanted.”
Generally speaking, there are certain sensitive topics that you should try and avoid during dinner. Those usually include politics, religion, and anything that would get people all fired up and rushing to defend their firmly-held beliefs. Enjoy your casserole, you can talk about whatever you want in private with your friends. However, that tends to work only in theory.
In practice, however, people can and do talk about touchy topics all the friggin time. And barely anyone does it in a refined and calm manner. Instead of an Ivy League debate club, you get interruptions, anger, and a dozen renditions of “oh, come on now, you can’t be serious!”
So, yeah, conversations can get messy. And you really can’t expect all of your jokes to land. You might have misjudged your audience a bit and gone for a quip that you thought would land, but it totally bombed. Or you’re feeling extremely nervous and your mouth (now, fully disengaged from your brain) says something utterly rude and stupid without you meaning to. And that’s on top of the fact that someone might interpret your comedy in a way that you hadn’t intended. We also shouldn’t forget the very simple fact that, hey, kids say dumb things sometimes.
Most redditors thought that the author of the AITA post went a bit too far and shouldn’t have banished her teen daughter’s friend. Remember, it was one joke. And it was the friend’s way of complimenting the OP’s husband’s cooking. Obviously, it was awkward, but let’s be honest: we’ve pretty much all heard worse jokes that had less repercussions, haven’t we?
Internet users urged the author of the post to move past the incident, instead of waiting for an apology from a 14-year-old. Others shared advice on how the mom could have handled the situation then and there, at the dinner table, which could have set the record straight, led to an apology, and helped everyone get along again. Some redditors were less subtle and said that the OP should be the bigger person (absolutely no pun intended) and set aside her ego, rather than hold a grudge against a teenager.
Someone’s weight is certainly a sensitive topic. And nobody wants to be blacklisted forever over a comment they made that was offensive (or perceived to be that way). The antidote to most situations like this is open and honest communication, followed by setting boundaries. That can include sitting down with the person and having a quick chat about how their words made you feel. Then, you can ask them not to do that again. Naturally, this works best ‘in the moment’ rather than a few months after the fact.
Another solution, going forward, is to simply… let go. Forget that the incident happened. Accept that you’d be happier forgetting your grudge. We’ve already written on Bored Panda just how destructive holding on to anger can be. Your body and mind both suffer, as a result. You’re more prone to falling seriously ill. Letting go is a far more difficult but an infinitely more mature thing to do.
Most readers thought that the mom was way out of line and should have approached the situation in a very different way
However, some people genuinely thought that the author of the post did nothing wrong. Here’s what they had to say
For a woman very concerned about her daughter's social awkwardness she seems very critical of someone else's daughters social awkwardness
Hmmmm. A 14yo makes a stupid comment - not surprised. We all do that sometimes. The mother should have said something about it the moment it happened. (That's rude - please don't say that). She shouldn't have waited. It's too late now and as this is the only friend her daughter has I think she should just keep silent.
I would like to make an adjustment, as an introvert and anxious person myself. NO ONE ought ever declare anything as an absolute ("that is rude"), for you are imposing YOUR sensitivities on the whole world; this is one major thing that drove me away from people. Every one of us needs to Grow Some Ballls and say "I find that rude" and take Ownership for OUR OWN sensitivities instead of blanketing them on everyone and everything. This is destroying our social fabric, this lack of ownership of feelings, and propagating anxiety increases in the emerging generations.
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Oh hell...that sounds like something I would have said. My mother is (and has always been) a larger woman and has consistently joked about it for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize "fat jokes" were inappropriate until high school when a classmate flipped out on her boyfriend for making one :/
Because that's how we used to deal with it. Didn't mean we liked it any better
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Honestly as a bigger woman if a kid said this to me I’d laugh. I don’t let stuff like that get to me though. Anyway op is TA. Who has a grudge against a 14 year old who likely said the joke out of nervousness? I’m socially awkward and I could see myself making this joke and in my mind I was being funny and I didn’t mean it to be an insult. I highly doubt the girl meant any harm. She should have said that’s not nice or something at the time not wait months later and demand and apology. Now the daughter will have to explain to her friend that she has an overly sensitive mom and she isn’t welcome at her house. Great job mom.
Same. I could tell it wasn't meant to be hurtful and kids and teens say things like that sometimes.
Load More Replies... It wasn't about her weight, it was an awkwardly worded compliment about her husbands cooking.
I don't even think the girl was rude. I thought it was a good chuckle! She did not call her fat she said she was a larger woman. I dont understand the issue but you're the AH!
You and me both dude, Im a fat guy, and if someone say this to me i would laugh, i genuinly ould find it funny.
Load More Replies... OP is expecting a 14 yo to be more emotionally mature than she is herself. Demanding an apology from anyone is silly and pointless. She missed a great teaching opportunity because of her own self-esteem issues. In the moment, she could have expressed how she felt and guided the child in making it right. Or better yet, show the child what grace looks like and put the focus on her husband's cooking. Also it's terrible to make her daughter be the messenger.
OP has the right to feel upset, the comment hit a nerve, and that's okay. What is not okay is OP not communicating her feelings clearly. She could have told the friend that she isn't comfortable with the comment and gently ask for an apology. Letting it simmer over several months is not cool.
As a daughter, If I had a friend who said something like that to my mother, I would have told her to apologize myself. My mother wouldn't have needed to say anything at all, I'd have her back. That being said, the daughter is obviously "awkward" enough that speaking up against her only friend just isn't possible. As a mother, I would let it go. I also wonder if the friend is from a different culture only because in some, being a "bigger woman" is considered a beautiful blessing and would be a compliment to be called such. Either way, I think mom ought to just let it go. If something similar happens a second time or more, then make an issue of it.
Hmm, I've just become a man hater. One little man named jon cunningham
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she should've brought up how that comment made her feel right away, or taken the girl aside after dinner and let her know. she missed her opportunity and she needs to forgive her and let her daughter have her only friend.
She unintentionally said something stupid. She’s 14 and she obviously realized it , but probably didn’t know what to do or say. It was an unintentional remark by a 14 year old. You’re supposed to be the adult here and you’re intentionally pulling this s***. And you have put your daughter in the middle. Do you even understand what this is doing to her? She’s already socially awkward. You’re just going to make it worse. Thanks mom!! You need to grow up.
Imagine if OP doesn't let this go and does "banish" her daughter's only friend, and then other kids at school somehow find out (they always seem to). Her daughter will never have another friend at that school. While commenting on anyone's weight is never a good idea, I fail to see how this comment was actually insulting. This kid was trying to compliment the food and awkwardly added a fact that OP can't hide. OP is mad that she's overweight; this girl broke the family's unspoken rule about pretending she isn't, so now she's mad at this kid. It could've been a teachable moment but OP chose passive-aggressive grudge-holding against a kid. Also, asking if someone was enjoying the food they were eating is just fishing for compliments. It's weird. OP would've complained about the kid not complimenting dinner but a better perceived insult landed in her lap instead.
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YTA I mean it's not like she said 'your husbands foods great, no wonder you're such a heffer' that would be an insult.
So we're all about body positivity but calling a cat a cat isn't allowed? Calling a big person big isn't a insult, it's the truth. Awkward to mention, yes, but the truth nonetheless... Insults are on another level, look up your average rap-music lyrics if you want to learn some. Holding a grudge against a 14y old for months for a remark like that makes me believe mom might need some help to accept herself...
This is something i would say, not even jocking, and would say it not as insult, but as a compliment to the husband, but then again... Im in the f*****g Spectrum i have Asperger syndrome, and this is exactly the type os s**t people with Asperger say, that is why we are known for not having social filters. For someone só worried that her Daughter could be in the Spectrum, this idiot didn't even consider that the other girl might actually have that isue. Because i swear to God right now, i don't see this as an insult, if it was me ( and Im fat 120+ kg ) i would laugh it off and make a joke about it.
Honestly, I wouldn't see it as an insult either. I am quite skinny, so I'm not sure it's worth anything, but if someone said this to me I'd just be very proud of my husband (who really is a good cook). People are so easily offended. I never get it.
Load More Replies... OP is the AH. And a bit too full of herself. The friend's comment was meant as a compliment to the husband's cooking. As a 14YO, she did not have the social experience to word it correctly. OP may be a bit heavy - but if she is that is the OP's problem.
Honestly the daughter's friend didn't up right say "you're fat", she was just trying to complement the husband. She screwed up, and the only reason I wouldn't apologize in this situation is because I would be like "oh I screwed up big time", get embarrassed, and never mention it again.
honestly if it was me i wouldve laughed and said "u r indeed correct". i kno for a fact socially akward ppl gravitate to each other. some of my friends arent but a big majority r. we r all nerdy gamers with bad social skills lol. anyways shes a kid and at the age where socially akward is a real issue wen meeting a friends parents for the first time. kids try to make a good impression but if u have a socially akward kid they will feel like they r under pressure even it ur the nicest ppl in the world. i was the same way. i made jokes that didnt land, stayed quiet which made them think something was wrong, said too much wen answering a question, etc. its tough for a socially akward kid. if the parents r strict or like this woman its even worse. she should just let it go and let her daughter and her friend have fun. its the healthiest option for everyone especially the kids.
Shoot, I'm 43 and socially awkward. As such I'm very selective of people I let into my friend zone. And just recently I've had family members of a friend go off on me because they misunderstood something I said. And it damaged our friendship - not because of what I said or what he did, but because of his family's response. My friend, who is more socially awkward than me, knew what I meant. Being held accountable for what someone thinks I mean rather than what I actually said has been an issue my entire life.
It's no wonder the daughter is socialially awkward because the mother overly sensitive about her weight. What the girl said was a very mild joke, she should have laughed it off and said you should see me in 6 months I will barely fit through the front door.
Obviously no one has ever put their foot in their mouth around you before. At 14, I am sure the girl knew right away that she had said something embarrassing (I won't say wrong if you are indeed a plus size) but at that age it is better to shut up than try and retrieve. Cut some slack here.
YTA. You missed a learning opportunity by not saying why that's inappropriate right then and there... the kid is 14 for the love of God, and doesn't understand what an appropriate joke would be, but was trying to be funny. If you are this insecure and ignorant towards children and their behavior when they are trying to fit in, then you are likely causing some (or all) of your daughter's issues. I could never see another parent being angry that I said " that's a hurtful comment, bc people come in different shapes and sizes, and that would hurt your feelings too, if someone or a friend said that? Right?" I would make the parents aware of the comment and discussion, but also reassure them that she maybe just thought she was being funny, and all is forgiven... after all, you are the adult and bigger, more mature person; she is still learning!!!
Lmao seems OP's ego is plus-sized, too. What a terrible thing to do to the poor girl. "This child made an awkward but well-intentioned joke. It didn't land. Better fret about it forever." Sheesh.
YTA. You had your daughter tested. Did you think maybe her friend is on the spectrum? Using a word like bigger in a compliment about cooking may have seemed logical and may not have been a joke or insult. You should have compassionately addressed it after dinner. Kids need to learn, not just be punished. If you had a conversation with her immediately after dinner you would have known if it was a joke or awkward comment. Either way you could have helped her learn and prevent future conflicts. The world needs more compassion. You can hold someone accountable for their actions without being rude or mean.
Unpopular on pion but as a bigger woman stating a fact about someone’s weight isn’t a crime. But when my own small kids (under 10) talk about people they know that are fat I point out that we don’t comment on other peoples bodies bc it could hurt their feelings - not that it’s rude. I think it’s important that with any age child/adolescent that is not your own it isn’t your job to teach values that are important to your family. I think tasting something like ‘I know maybe you were trying to make a joke but it was hurtful’ is better. It teaches them that their words have an affect on others and not that they have to figure out what you may or may not think is ‘rude’. And also, what do you think an apology would accomplish - she’ll still hate the kid apology or not…. So yeah… she needs to find validation somewhere else than her teenage daughters friends mouth.
Wow. You can't let go of the fact that a 14 year old girl said something you didn't like?? To her, it wasn't an insult, nearly more like an observation. She didn't even use the word "fat." She probably realized what she said was inappropriate, right after she said it, but as most 14 year old kids, when something slips out, they don't know how to recover. Especially if they don't have good social skills. You might have said to her CALMLY at the time "that could hurt someone's feelings." It's way too late now. Everybody but you has forgotten about it. Don't make your daughter suffer because of your own insecurities. Invite her back into your home. Let it go, for heavens sake. How are you going to handle it when a 5 year old makes a remark like that?
2 Things ...1.You are dealing with a 14 year old and not an adult.While your daughter may have the maturity level to never say such, it doesn't mean this girl does. And 2. Since the lack of friends is a concern ,I would say time to put your daughter first ...and also if it's been so important why is it being brought up months later? You are the adult..you could have seized the "teaching moment"; it was common sense to her ,in her mind she was not calling you fat ...if she wanted to.she would have. So I guess that's 3 points actually.lol
Whenever I hear of these people who go to an extreme degree for an apology, I think of the British upper crust, "AN APOLOGY Sir!" What's next? A duel?
It is the father who should have intervened as a non-insulted party and suggested an apology. The remark ruined the atmosphere for everybody, not just the mother. And memo to the 14-year-old jokester: "First rule of comedy - know the room."
It's a child! This woman trying to say she didn't make mistakes when she was young? And you trying to tell me that big mama can't take a bit of ribbing? But loves the heck out of hubby's cooking. Don't be such a sensitive turd! You a thick woman. Get some thicker skin! What she said was not that bad! Get over it and try exercise and calorie counting if your weight is a problem. I lost 60 pounds. Everyone saying how much better I looked. But I Did not feel healthy so I gained 20 back! Looks are not everything health is more important. Also children need friends so quit being a pity pig!
The girl didnt even call the AH fat, just larger woman. Holding grudge for months at the cost of her own daughter's social awkwardness is just pathetic and childish. Nowadays there are fashion brands that specifically label for larger size or plus size, is the AH gonna get offended?
Everyone sucks here. Still, no pun intended but be the bigger woman and let it slide. The bigger problem here is this girl has clearly been raised in a home where such super funny jokes are common. Pretty sure she has just as many issues making friends as your kid because of it. She's clearly realized her turd bird didn't land. Like I said, let it go, THIS time.
YTA. Clearly you are very insecure about your weight, which is a shame and the kids joke wasn't great. But you should've just asked for an apology right then and there. You even said the kid got quiet, so she clearly regretted it and felt bad. Seeing as she is friends with your socially awkward daughter, it's highly likely that she herself is socially awkward as well. Bringing it up months later is an a*****e move. Instead just work on yourself. It really shouldn't bother you this much. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a bigger woman.
I think the person who pointed out your daughter's friend might have socially awkward issues was on the right track. She complimented your husband's cooking. After that, she may have spoken without thinking what she said thru. Ask her about it.. it's not like she called you a profane name or something. Dig in to it a little and talk about it.
Why is being a "bigger woman" an insult? If you're a bigger woman, surely you got that way from eating good food. It was a compliment to the dad and I don't think it was an insult to your size. Are people supposed to pretend you're petite? Btw I am a bigger woman. You can't pretend to be small and think everyone is going to play along. Mom has a complex about her size. Taking it out on a teenager is ridiculous. Lose weight or face reality, you ARE a bigger woman. There was no malice or joke. Just an observation.
I bet every single person on here has insulted someone in their life AND NOT APOLOGIZED for it. That "grown woman" took that as an insult?? Maybe lose some weight you fat a*s. You expect a socially awkward teen to come crawling on her hands and knees to apologize to you?? Anyone defending this a*****e is also an a*****e. It's OK to tell someone "eat more you're skinny" but not have to apologize?? Ya'll some petty a*s a******s. Hopefully none of you have kids
Kids need and deserve the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. It's not too late to address it. Letting the friend come over again is the perfect opportunity to address the insult and set boundaries. By doing so, a genuine apology will soon follow.
Context - had to have been there - this could go either way (sort of). Basically... that tacked on comment of "No wonder you're a bigger woman" ... uncalled for... but, as a 14 year old, would they 'get' it's uncalled for. Also.. if they DID say 'bigger woman' and not , "No wonder you're huge" or... "Well, you sure LOOK like he cooks well", it would seem that the comment wasn't meant maliciously. I try to remember Hanlon's Razor ... and watch out if it morphs into Grey's Law.
It would've been totally fine to say "please don't talk about my weight" when it happened. But to wait a while and expect an apology from a teenager who has no idea what she did? She probably doesn't even remember making the comment let alone know that it hurt your feelings. She's gonna be confused if the mom bans her from her house for seemingly no reason. She's a kid, she probably didn't mean it as an insult anyway, she was complimenting the husband's cooking.
NTA! I'm sorry, but I don't want my children associating with anyone who is rude or cruel. I haven't raised them to say ugly things to others about physical appearance. A 14 year old is old enough to know that words can hurt, and a 37 year old woman still has feelings. The girl DOES owe an apology.
Sounds like the girl didn’t mean what she said in a derogatory manner. We’ve all said something sometimes that just comes out wrong. The time to deal with it was in the moment, not holding a grudge all this time. Let it go, and let your daughter have her friend.
The woman is not wrong. When my kids were tweens one of their friends flipped me the bird and I quickly kicked him out of my yard. No apologie. Skip ahead 4 years and that same kid has been arrested several times for dumb stuff.
This is pretty easy. I ask myself did someone intend to insult me. If I conclude they did not intend an insult, I let it slide.. Let this slide your daughter and her friend are more important than mama's silly pride Yta
So she called you a "bigger woman." Apparently you aren't though, because the "bigger person" would let this go.
Everyone replying YTA clearly has a problem with accountability or teaching kids to have it. Being awkward isn't a free pass to be a jerk to someone. When you say something hurtful, you learn to apologize. That's a really simple concept. Embrace it. Officially NTA.
NTA. I was socially awkward at 14 but if I said something that I realized hurt someone else's feelings I would apologize right away. People give kids to much leway and forget that they are small humans who will become adults and must learn what is right and wrong and that there are consequences for their actions and if we keep giving them passes because they are under 18 then they will never learn to be proper adults by this age she should know and her parents should have taught her better.
YTA. I'm a bigger woman and honestly, I would've agreed with the kid. I see an unintentional insult, not a straight up uncalled-for comment. That's just me though 🤷♀️
I think it’s okay to tell the girl that she hurt your feelings and why, but for the sake of your daughter, I would get over it.
Why do fat people get all offended when people remark about their size.if they were that concerned they would do something about it. I don’t have issues with people being fat or large but if they are then they are. And so what if a14 year old made a throw away comment whilst trying to compliment your husband. Are you an adult ? Then put on your big girl pants and get over it…… She is a child.you are meant to be an adult and get a sense of humour learn to laugh at yourself. So you’re a bigger sized person, accept that.
Nope not the AH. People need to take responsibility for their actions and apologize when they make a mistake and hurt someone. Kids included. If she felt bad then she would have apologized already. You said you would be okay with her if she said she was sorry. That is what needs to happen. Words can hurt and kids need to learn! Especially kids today. They seem to get away with everything. Get together and talk it all out maybe?
It does seem odd that a grown woman is still “she was mean to me!” Months later but another thing commenters are forgetting, if rude comments like that slip out so easy with the mom, what could the friend be saying to the daughter and not realizing it’s bad because “she’s the only friend I have!”
I'm autistic and I just HATE it when people say "on the spectrum". Which spectrum? Say "is autistic" or "has autism spectrum disorder" or at worst is "on the autism spectrum". "On the spectrum" is too vague, #1. And it also sounds too catchy and glib like "abs" or "peeps" (for people). Hate it, hate it.
YATA. Completely unreasonable because an awkward 14 yo tried to make a compliment about your husbands cooking and the fact that she enjoyed it and saw that you did also. Seems like you aren't very confident in yourself. You could've made it easy for the kids but decided to hold a shy and awkward 14 feel like cr*p for her comment. You are the a**. I was big once, so big I had to have gastric bypass to live. If you don't like socially awkward young girls trying to be nice, then do not let your socially introverted sweet dtr. Make any friends. Grow up.
Now we know why her daughter is socially awkward, with a mother like that.
ARE you a "bigger woman"? As a "bigger man" myself I would have just laughed it off... if you ARE overweight, then own it... if you are blonde, would you be offended if someone mentions it? Then why are you offended because someone says you are overweight??? She didn't said it with malice, she didn't said it to p**s you off or as an insult. Get off your high horse and let your daughter have her friend...
I would say we have a good idea why the daughter is an "awkward loner". The comment was clearly intended as a compliment from what's posted but was very poorly phrased. The friend was also perfectly well aware something was wrong but perhaps not exactly what depending on upbringing. The worst offense here is indeed mom's grudge. Nothing to do with the friend being a child as many misguided people here think; it has to do with taking offense to a compliment, bottling it up, making the guest uncomfortable and holding on to it for months before demanding an apology she should have requested at the first.
An awkwardly worded compliment that you a grown assed adult have held a grudge over. Get a grip, if you are large you are large, you should have owned it! If you wanted an apology or her mentioning your larger was so offensive, you should have said so at the time, awful communication, do better!
The title is totally misleading. The girl didn't make fun of OP's weight - at least not intentionally. She just slipped up and made an awkward joke. It happens to all of us. OP even recognized that the girl seemed to realize her mistake so she probably felt horrible about it already. Perhaps a quick apology after she said it would've been nice ("I'm sorry, that came out wrong") but I can understand feeling so awkward/embarrassed after a misplaced comment that you don't really know what to do/say. OP needs to be (forgive the pun) the bigger person here and just let it go. I've had worse things said to me and let it go because it just wasn't worth the trouble.
If we back this story up to just before the offending remark, it becomes clear that OP created this situation herself. Mommy went trawling for compliments by asking "are you enjoying the food?", which could also be seen as rude. I also don't see the insult or the joke of the girl's comment. Yes, commenting on people's bodies is generally a no-no, but the girl only stated an observable fact that tied in with her praise for Dad's cooking. There was no malicious intent from the 14 year old CHILD who is a decade away from having a fully functioning brain and is most likely as socially awkward as Daughter. What IS malicious is a 37 year old weaponizing her personal sensitivities against her child and that child's ONLY friend, refusing access to her home, demanding an apology, not verbalizing it to the actual person and making her daughter do the awkward part knowing her daughter is awkward to begin with. She couldn't be more of an åsshole if she tried. And she's trying.
I am absolutely flummoxed at how many people are saying NTA 😲🤯. OP said herself that her daughter is socially awkward. So there's a really good chance that her friend is as well. The brain to mouth pathways in a 14 yr old have barely begun to form. And when you add awkwardness on top of that, you basically live with both feet so far in your mouth they come out your a*s! OP also admitted that she could see immediately on the girls face that the harsh realisation of what she just said, highly likely to be an accidental slip of the tongue OH-S**T!-go-white-as-a-ghost-than-red-as-a-tomato moment, was inappropriate but was too awkward and scared to say anything else for fear of making it worse. If you wanted an apology it should've been sought after then and there at that precise moment that it happened. Not months later that's going cause severe anxiety for the girl and fear of coming over as she might say something awkward again and make things worse. I'm 37 as well but I have 4 kids.
Daughter enjoy the one friend she's has actually managed to make, even through her awkwardness, and stop making her, her friend, and your household in general, even more awkward with your pettiness. Be an adult and a mother, not a spoiled brat toddler.
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There's nothing wrong in correcting a child when they make inappropriate comments. And a child is never too young to be corrected. We make society a better place that way. This is not about being too sensitive, insecure, ego or thin skinned etc etc. Today its a bigger woman, tomorrow it's a bigger peer who has to hear those comments. And that bigger peer develops all kinds of self concept issues, making them feel less than..Even kids with autism are corrected by their teachers and adults in their lives if they make insensitive comments. So instead of demanding an apology, let the kid come over and simply have a general conversation. Noting it's always better to make comments that make people feel good about themselves. In fact recommend to her next time you hear someone say something negative to a peer to speak up tell them negative comments are not a nice thing to do. Keep it general without shining the spotlight on the friend. She is clearly not getting this guidance at home.
The mom is an insecure, selfish [rhymes with punt]. One of my friends said something insensitive to my mom once when I was a teenager and she let it go for my benefit.
So when you're little kids you usually make blunt comments like that, but if she won't apologize, she meant it . 14 is 8-9th grad a teacher would not let that fly. Ik I sound harsh. But I also know what it was like to be a teenage girl with fake girlfriends. My mom was bigger woman & friends would point it out in subliminal messages. Those same girls had no issue talking behind my back. One girl was legit psycho when I was 12-15. I never asked her to apologize even when she stole $$ from my mom, because I was afraid of her. I was that introvert kid & the last kid that confronted almost went deaf in one ear because she jabbed a straw into ears till he bleed.But one day she was bullying my childhood best friend keept calling her an autistic r******d freak and i just lost it. After that she backed down & everyone liked me. She ended in prison for almost beating a 85yo to death before grad. Don't let your kids befriend bullies.
It seems like her daughter learned the lack of social skills from the mother. This is also why the dad is more tolerant, since she's probably always a little weird. This needed to be pointed out earlier, so she could be more aware of how unreasonable she's likely to be, and how she should probably listen to outside observers.
If you are fat you are fat, getting offended at being called fat is utterly immature and childish.
The reason her socially awkward kid clicked with this other kid is probably because this awkward is also socially awkward. They likely saw that joke in a movie or on TV (or maybe even in their family. Ragging on each other is some families' love language) somewhere and didn't realize those types of jokes are meant to occur between close friends... not people you just met. Like others said... if you wanted the apology, the time to ask for it was within the same night it occurred.
*Demanding* an appogy is childish and never a good way to get a genuine mending of a relationship. People apologize because they feel it, not because they're forced to. If she has a problem with it, she should slk kindly with the girl and let her know that it hurt her feelings and request that the girl refrain from making comments about her body in the future...you know, modeling good communication and teaching *why* what we say to others matters.
They're both TA. She should have made the kid apologize as soon as she said it but holding a grudge against a kid is dumb and hurts her own child. But yeah the kid was rude, she should have been happy to get food and have a friend.
You're half TA and half NTA. Let me explain. You're TA because you're allowing a minor to rent space in your head. My mom who is a wonderful woman, is also extremely bi-polar and often times forbid me for hanging out with friends for most of my youth because she thought my buddies parents were plotting against her, or speaking down about the family to the neighbors. I'm going to be honest here, it straight up gave me a massive resentment for years. I'm not saying that you may have a mental disorder or that that will happen to your daughter, but I advise to tread lightly. You're NTA because children these days can be unintentionally cruel or socially awkward (thank you "social" media) and this could've been a teachable moment.
YTA! I'm a bigger girl who loves food. I'm healthy af and men hit on me all the time. Irrelevant? Sure. So is a slightly rude offhand comment. You just have a bad personality
Being overweight isn't your only problem. You are selfish. You imply your daughter is in need of friends and then you get all sensitive at a kid who obviously didn't mean it as an insult. You turned it into that with your selfishness. It probably is damaging further your daughters problem because the girl probably told others. You should be ashamed of how embarrassing you acted. Don't blame this teenager for how badly you feel about being fat. Your poor daughter. That was poor mothering.
Let it go mom. You missed your opportunity to speak up. Your daughter deserves a friend. But, make sure you address any further off hand comments immediately. Be kind and firm your daughter's friend may have her own social issues .
If you unintentionally insult someone, you apologize. I don't think the kid meant it as an insult. One of the things wrong with the world today is people are not held accountable for their actions. It might be months later but let the kid apologize and everybody get on with their lives!
If she's a bigger wa. She shouldn't get upset when someone calls her a bigger woman
As someone 320+ lbs I wouldn't have even seen it as insulting. I would have slathered on the praise for my husband's cooking in agreement. Yeah, it's a not-thinking foot-in-mouth moment, but she's 14 and clearly not good with conversations. I have been in those shoes all my life, and it's clear she meant absolutely no harm in it.
Was it actually an insult or was it a statement of fact that she's a bigger woman? And seriously, as an adult and a mother this woman should've have known how to deal with this in the moment. Since she didn't have that maturity, then she shouldn't expect it froman awkward, 14 year old walking hormone bomb!
You set up an uncomfortable silence situation. Your daughter might conclude that she cannot bring friends home. I get it that you won't be insulted in your home but your husband is right and he is a good cook worth keeping and all evidence shows he loves your daughter and you.
YTA... let me explain. She compliments ypue husband, and shows a point that ypu like his food. If ypu didn't lime his food ypu wouldn't wat it and therefore wouldn't be larger. You remember the phrase, " Sticks and stones"? If you get offended by this, then you are tje problem. You are insecure about yourself. I have kids that have tje sane issue. They say things. So what's your choice? Punish them for a mistake. I hope for your sake that all your mistakes are forgotten. WhT if so eone cane to you for one of ypur past mistakes and demanded an apology in front of ypur daughter? What if it was something that had hurt so eone intentionally, not lime this. There is no way she decided to come into your house and look for the perfect chance to offend you. If you have issues with ypur weight, so something about it, or accept it with pride, and show ypur daughter that ypu can love yourself as ypu are, and not by a lie. If you can't handle the truth, then change it.
A smooth brush off was definitely in order. "There's just more of me to love and give ❤️" 😊 She obviously knew that her compliment went bad or she would have continued chatting. Do unto others, and spread a little grace. It seems like OP needs to be kind to herself as well 🥰 If being fat isn't a bad thing in OP's mind, then please don't get offended at being called fat/ large/ big/ etc. They are just descriptions, love. It's okay 🩷
You were so concerned with your daughter that you had her tested for autism but the possibility that she may have an autistic or equally socially awkward friend is just what not a possibility. Some people say things and they don't realize that it's not okay to say whether it's because the way their household talks or because of autism or something and if you are willing to consider that about your daughter then why can't you again consider it about her friends.
NTA. I don't know why anyone would think a 14 year old isn't old enough to apologize. People don't want to hold anyone responsible for their behavior anymore. Look at the world around us and tell me that's a good thing. I don't think so.
I thought body positivity was important? It was a good time to show young girls that you can be proud of your curves.
The friend made an inappropriate comment that should have been dealt with immediately. Or right after dinner. All OP had to say was "comments like that can be hurtful and inappropriate".
14 yr olds are prone to "mouth in drive, brain in idle" statements. It's what they do. They're still navigating how to function socially- they're not adults. IMO this is an opportunity for OP to be an elder, understand the girl likely regrets her comment, was awkward, & get the H over it. This isn't a social death-penalty offense. Seeing as this girl is her daughter's best/only friend, OP ought be less thin-skinned & more tolerant for her daughter's sake. If she's this sensitive, she's in for a long miserable 10-15yr ride because teens are IMMATURE...
Honestly, sometimes kids just say things without realising they're rude or mean. I do this as an 18 year old. Albeit, I'm autistic, but the same grounds hold.
The woman should hold her ground. It was bullying. Goos for her for respecting herself for.not tolerating such a remark.
I love the fact no one cares. Yes..your fat ...it's not like it crept up on you. . You saw this coming the last 10 years as you were shoveling garbage down your throat. (Amongst other things). And now .. kids . Who just see truth... Says your fat. . and your upset? Or. Do something during your day. Maybe a walk, ?? But .. you will hate the kid. Who's telling the truth ..
Um... If your to lazy to tend to your offspring .. use a condom. Instead, your crying cause kids make fun of you??? Well, tuff truth, if kids see it. It's a problem...and for your health, see a Dr. Don't press your horrid diet and bs intake on your child and friend
For a woman very concerned about her daughter's social awkwardness she seems very critical of someone else's daughters social awkwardness
Hmmmm. A 14yo makes a stupid comment - not surprised. We all do that sometimes. The mother should have said something about it the moment it happened. (That's rude - please don't say that). She shouldn't have waited. It's too late now and as this is the only friend her daughter has I think she should just keep silent.
I would like to make an adjustment, as an introvert and anxious person myself. NO ONE ought ever declare anything as an absolute ("that is rude"), for you are imposing YOUR sensitivities on the whole world; this is one major thing that drove me away from people. Every one of us needs to Grow Some Ballls and say "I find that rude" and take Ownership for OUR OWN sensitivities instead of blanketing them on everyone and everything. This is destroying our social fabric, this lack of ownership of feelings, and propagating anxiety increases in the emerging generations.
Load More Replies... Oh hell...that sounds like something I would have said. My mother is (and has always been) a larger woman and has consistently joked about it for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize "fat jokes" were inappropriate until high school when a classmate flipped out on her boyfriend for making one :/
Because that's how we used to deal with it. Didn't mean we liked it any better
Load More Replies... Honestly as a bigger woman if a kid said this to me I’d laugh. I don’t let stuff like that get to me though. Anyway op is TA. Who has a grudge against a 14 year old who likely said the joke out of nervousness? I’m socially awkward and I could see myself making this joke and in my mind I was being funny and I didn’t mean it to be an insult. I highly doubt the girl meant any harm. She should have said that’s not nice or something at the time not wait months later and demand and apology. Now the daughter will have to explain to her friend that she has an overly sensitive mom and she isn’t welcome at her house. Great job mom.
Same. I could tell it wasn't meant to be hurtful and kids and teens say things like that sometimes.
Load More Replies... It wasn't about her weight, it was an awkwardly worded compliment about her husbands cooking.
I don't even think the girl was rude. I thought it was a good chuckle! She did not call her fat she said she was a larger woman. I dont understand the issue but you're the AH!
You and me both dude, Im a fat guy, and if someone say this to me i would laugh, i genuinly ould find it funny.
Load More Replies... OP is expecting a 14 yo to be more emotionally mature than she is herself. Demanding an apology from anyone is silly and pointless. She missed a great teaching opportunity because of her own self-esteem issues. In the moment, she could have expressed how she felt and guided the child in making it right. Or better yet, show the child what grace looks like and put the focus on her husband's cooking. Also it's terrible to make her daughter be the messenger.
OP has the right to feel upset, the comment hit a nerve, and that's okay. What is not okay is OP not communicating her feelings clearly. She could have told the friend that she isn't comfortable with the comment and gently ask for an apology. Letting it simmer over several months is not cool.
As a daughter, If I had a friend who said something like that to my mother, I would have told her to apologize myself. My mother wouldn't have needed to say anything at all, I'd have her back. That being said, the daughter is obviously "awkward" enough that speaking up against her only friend just isn't possible. As a mother, I would let it go. I also wonder if the friend is from a different culture only because in some, being a "bigger woman" is considered a beautiful blessing and would be a compliment to be called such. Either way, I think mom ought to just let it go. If something similar happens a second time or more, then make an issue of it.
Hmm, I've just become a man hater. One little man named jon cunningham
Load More Replies... she should've brought up how that comment made her feel right away, or taken the girl aside after dinner and let her know. she missed her opportunity and she needs to forgive her and let her daughter have her only friend.
She unintentionally said something stupid. She’s 14 and she obviously realized it , but probably didn’t know what to do or say. It was an unintentional remark by a 14 year old. You’re supposed to be the adult here and you’re intentionally pulling this s***. And you have put your daughter in the middle. Do you even understand what this is doing to her? She’s already socially awkward. You’re just going to make it worse. Thanks mom!! You need to grow up.
Imagine if OP doesn't let this go and does "banish" her daughter's only friend, and then other kids at school somehow find out (they always seem to). Her daughter will never have another friend at that school. While commenting on anyone's weight is never a good idea, I fail to see how this comment was actually insulting. This kid was trying to compliment the food and awkwardly added a fact that OP can't hide. OP is mad that she's overweight; this girl broke the family's unspoken rule about pretending she isn't, so now she's mad at this kid. It could've been a teachable moment but OP chose passive-aggressive grudge-holding against a kid. Also, asking if someone was enjoying the food they were eating is just fishing for compliments. It's weird. OP would've complained about the kid not complimenting dinner but a better perceived insult landed in her lap instead.
Load More Replies... YTA I mean it's not like she said 'your husbands foods great, no wonder you're such a heffer' that would be an insult.
So we're all about body positivity but calling a cat a cat isn't allowed? Calling a big person big isn't a insult, it's the truth. Awkward to mention, yes, but the truth nonetheless... Insults are on another level, look up your average rap-music lyrics if you want to learn some. Holding a grudge against a 14y old for months for a remark like that makes me believe mom might need some help to accept herself...
This is something i would say, not even jocking, and would say it not as insult, but as a compliment to the husband, but then again... Im in the f*****g Spectrum i have Asperger syndrome, and this is exactly the type os s**t people with Asperger say, that is why we are known for not having social filters. For someone só worried that her Daughter could be in the Spectrum, this idiot didn't even consider that the other girl might actually have that isue. Because i swear to God right now, i don't see this as an insult, if it was me ( and Im fat 120+ kg ) i would laugh it off and make a joke about it.
Honestly, I wouldn't see it as an insult either. I am quite skinny, so I'm not sure it's worth anything, but if someone said this to me I'd just be very proud of my husband (who really is a good cook). People are so easily offended. I never get it.
Load More Replies... OP is the AH. And a bit too full of herself. The friend's comment was meant as a compliment to the husband's cooking. As a 14YO, she did not have the social experience to word it correctly. OP may be a bit heavy - but if she is that is the OP's problem.
Honestly the daughter's friend didn't up right say "you're fat", she was just trying to complement the husband. She screwed up, and the only reason I wouldn't apologize in this situation is because I would be like "oh I screwed up big time", get embarrassed, and never mention it again.
honestly if it was me i wouldve laughed and said "u r indeed correct". i kno for a fact socially akward ppl gravitate to each other. some of my friends arent but a big majority r. we r all nerdy gamers with bad social skills lol. anyways shes a kid and at the age where socially akward is a real issue wen meeting a friends parents for the first time. kids try to make a good impression but if u have a socially akward kid they will feel like they r under pressure even it ur the nicest ppl in the world. i was the same way. i made jokes that didnt land, stayed quiet which made them think something was wrong, said too much wen answering a question, etc. its tough for a socially akward kid. if the parents r strict or like this woman its even worse. she should just let it go and let her daughter and her friend have fun. its the healthiest option for everyone especially the kids.
Shoot, I'm 43 and socially awkward. As such I'm very selective of people I let into my friend zone. And just recently I've had family members of a friend go off on me because they misunderstood something I said. And it damaged our friendship - not because of what I said or what he did, but because of his family's response. My friend, who is more socially awkward than me, knew what I meant. Being held accountable for what someone thinks I mean rather than what I actually said has been an issue my entire life.
It's no wonder the daughter is socialially awkward because the mother overly sensitive about her weight. What the girl said was a very mild joke, she should have laughed it off and said you should see me in 6 months I will barely fit through the front door.
Obviously no one has ever put their foot in their mouth around you before. At 14, I am sure the girl knew right away that she had said something embarrassing (I won't say wrong if you are indeed a plus size) but at that age it is better to shut up than try and retrieve. Cut some slack here.
YTA. You missed a learning opportunity by not saying why that's inappropriate right then and there... the kid is 14 for the love of God, and doesn't understand what an appropriate joke would be, but was trying to be funny. If you are this insecure and ignorant towards children and their behavior when they are trying to fit in, then you are likely causing some (or all) of your daughter's issues. I could never see another parent being angry that I said " that's a hurtful comment, bc people come in different shapes and sizes, and that would hurt your feelings too, if someone or a friend said that? Right?" I would make the parents aware of the comment and discussion, but also reassure them that she maybe just thought she was being funny, and all is forgiven... after all, you are the adult and bigger, more mature person; she is still learning!!!
Lmao seems OP's ego is plus-sized, too. What a terrible thing to do to the poor girl. "This child made an awkward but well-intentioned joke. It didn't land. Better fret about it forever." Sheesh.
YTA. You had your daughter tested. Did you think maybe her friend is on the spectrum? Using a word like bigger in a compliment about cooking may have seemed logical and may not have been a joke or insult. You should have compassionately addressed it after dinner. Kids need to learn, not just be punished. If you had a conversation with her immediately after dinner you would have known if it was a joke or awkward comment. Either way you could have helped her learn and prevent future conflicts. The world needs more compassion. You can hold someone accountable for their actions without being rude or mean.
Unpopular on pion but as a bigger woman stating a fact about someone’s weight isn’t a crime. But when my own small kids (under 10) talk about people they know that are fat I point out that we don’t comment on other peoples bodies bc it could hurt their feelings - not that it’s rude. I think it’s important that with any age child/adolescent that is not your own it isn’t your job to teach values that are important to your family. I think tasting something like ‘I know maybe you were trying to make a joke but it was hurtful’ is better. It teaches them that their words have an affect on others and not that they have to figure out what you may or may not think is ‘rude’. And also, what do you think an apology would accomplish - she’ll still hate the kid apology or not…. So yeah… she needs to find validation somewhere else than her teenage daughters friends mouth.
Wow. You can't let go of the fact that a 14 year old girl said something you didn't like?? To her, it wasn't an insult, nearly more like an observation. She didn't even use the word "fat." She probably realized what she said was inappropriate, right after she said it, but as most 14 year old kids, when something slips out, they don't know how to recover. Especially if they don't have good social skills. You might have said to her CALMLY at the time "that could hurt someone's feelings." It's way too late now. Everybody but you has forgotten about it. Don't make your daughter suffer because of your own insecurities. Invite her back into your home. Let it go, for heavens sake. How are you going to handle it when a 5 year old makes a remark like that?
2 Things ...1.You are dealing with a 14 year old and not an adult.While your daughter may have the maturity level to never say such, it doesn't mean this girl does. And 2. Since the lack of friends is a concern ,I would say time to put your daughter first ...and also if it's been so important why is it being brought up months later? You are the adult..you could have seized the "teaching moment"; it was common sense to her ,in her mind she was not calling you fat ...if she wanted to.she would have. So I guess that's 3 points actually.lol
Whenever I hear of these people who go to an extreme degree for an apology, I think of the British upper crust, "AN APOLOGY Sir!" What's next? A duel?
It is the father who should have intervened as a non-insulted party and suggested an apology. The remark ruined the atmosphere for everybody, not just the mother. And memo to the 14-year-old jokester: "First rule of comedy - know the room."
It's a child! This woman trying to say she didn't make mistakes when she was young? And you trying to tell me that big mama can't take a bit of ribbing? But loves the heck out of hubby's cooking. Don't be such a sensitive turd! You a thick woman. Get some thicker skin! What she said was not that bad! Get over it and try exercise and calorie counting if your weight is a problem. I lost 60 pounds. Everyone saying how much better I looked. But I Did not feel healthy so I gained 20 back! Looks are not everything health is more important. Also children need friends so quit being a pity pig!
The girl didnt even call the AH fat, just larger woman. Holding grudge for months at the cost of her own daughter's social awkwardness is just pathetic and childish. Nowadays there are fashion brands that specifically label for larger size or plus size, is the AH gonna get offended?
Everyone sucks here. Still, no pun intended but be the bigger woman and let it slide. The bigger problem here is this girl has clearly been raised in a home where such super funny jokes are common. Pretty sure she has just as many issues making friends as your kid because of it. She's clearly realized her turd bird didn't land. Like I said, let it go, THIS time.
YTA. Clearly you are very insecure about your weight, which is a shame and the kids joke wasn't great. But you should've just asked for an apology right then and there. You even said the kid got quiet, so she clearly regretted it and felt bad. Seeing as she is friends with your socially awkward daughter, it's highly likely that she herself is socially awkward as well. Bringing it up months later is an a*****e move. Instead just work on yourself. It really shouldn't bother you this much. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a bigger woman.
I think the person who pointed out your daughter's friend might have socially awkward issues was on the right track. She complimented your husband's cooking. After that, she may have spoken without thinking what she said thru. Ask her about it.. it's not like she called you a profane name or something. Dig in to it a little and talk about it.
Why is being a "bigger woman" an insult? If you're a bigger woman, surely you got that way from eating good food. It was a compliment to the dad and I don't think it was an insult to your size. Are people supposed to pretend you're petite? Btw I am a bigger woman. You can't pretend to be small and think everyone is going to play along. Mom has a complex about her size. Taking it out on a teenager is ridiculous. Lose weight or face reality, you ARE a bigger woman. There was no malice or joke. Just an observation.
I bet every single person on here has insulted someone in their life AND NOT APOLOGIZED for it. That "grown woman" took that as an insult?? Maybe lose some weight you fat a*s. You expect a socially awkward teen to come crawling on her hands and knees to apologize to you?? Anyone defending this a*****e is also an a*****e. It's OK to tell someone "eat more you're skinny" but not have to apologize?? Ya'll some petty a*s a******s. Hopefully none of you have kids
Kids need and deserve the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. It's not too late to address it. Letting the friend come over again is the perfect opportunity to address the insult and set boundaries. By doing so, a genuine apology will soon follow.
Context - had to have been there - this could go either way (sort of). Basically... that tacked on comment of "No wonder you're a bigger woman" ... uncalled for... but, as a 14 year old, would they 'get' it's uncalled for. Also.. if they DID say 'bigger woman' and not , "No wonder you're huge" or... "Well, you sure LOOK like he cooks well", it would seem that the comment wasn't meant maliciously. I try to remember Hanlon's Razor ... and watch out if it morphs into Grey's Law.
It would've been totally fine to say "please don't talk about my weight" when it happened. But to wait a while and expect an apology from a teenager who has no idea what she did? She probably doesn't even remember making the comment let alone know that it hurt your feelings. She's gonna be confused if the mom bans her from her house for seemingly no reason. She's a kid, she probably didn't mean it as an insult anyway, she was complimenting the husband's cooking.
NTA! I'm sorry, but I don't want my children associating with anyone who is rude or cruel. I haven't raised them to say ugly things to others about physical appearance. A 14 year old is old enough to know that words can hurt, and a 37 year old woman still has feelings. The girl DOES owe an apology.
Sounds like the girl didn’t mean what she said in a derogatory manner. We’ve all said something sometimes that just comes out wrong. The time to deal with it was in the moment, not holding a grudge all this time. Let it go, and let your daughter have her friend.
The woman is not wrong. When my kids were tweens one of their friends flipped me the bird and I quickly kicked him out of my yard. No apologie. Skip ahead 4 years and that same kid has been arrested several times for dumb stuff.
This is pretty easy. I ask myself did someone intend to insult me. If I conclude they did not intend an insult, I let it slide.. Let this slide your daughter and her friend are more important than mama's silly pride Yta
So she called you a "bigger woman." Apparently you aren't though, because the "bigger person" would let this go.
Everyone replying YTA clearly has a problem with accountability or teaching kids to have it. Being awkward isn't a free pass to be a jerk to someone. When you say something hurtful, you learn to apologize. That's a really simple concept. Embrace it. Officially NTA.
NTA. I was socially awkward at 14 but if I said something that I realized hurt someone else's feelings I would apologize right away. People give kids to much leway and forget that they are small humans who will become adults and must learn what is right and wrong and that there are consequences for their actions and if we keep giving them passes because they are under 18 then they will never learn to be proper adults by this age she should know and her parents should have taught her better.
YTA. I'm a bigger woman and honestly, I would've agreed with the kid. I see an unintentional insult, not a straight up uncalled-for comment. That's just me though 🤷♀️
I think it’s okay to tell the girl that she hurt your feelings and why, but for the sake of your daughter, I would get over it.
Why do fat people get all offended when people remark about their size.if they were that concerned they would do something about it. I don’t have issues with people being fat or large but if they are then they are. And so what if a14 year old made a throw away comment whilst trying to compliment your husband. Are you an adult ? Then put on your big girl pants and get over it…… She is a child.you are meant to be an adult and get a sense of humour learn to laugh at yourself. So you’re a bigger sized person, accept that.
Nope not the AH. People need to take responsibility for their actions and apologize when they make a mistake and hurt someone. Kids included. If she felt bad then she would have apologized already. You said you would be okay with her if she said she was sorry. That is what needs to happen. Words can hurt and kids need to learn! Especially kids today. They seem to get away with everything. Get together and talk it all out maybe?
It does seem odd that a grown woman is still “she was mean to me!” Months later but another thing commenters are forgetting, if rude comments like that slip out so easy with the mom, what could the friend be saying to the daughter and not realizing it’s bad because “she’s the only friend I have!”
I'm autistic and I just HATE it when people say "on the spectrum". Which spectrum? Say "is autistic" or "has autism spectrum disorder" or at worst is "on the autism spectrum". "On the spectrum" is too vague, #1. And it also sounds too catchy and glib like "abs" or "peeps" (for people). Hate it, hate it.
YATA. Completely unreasonable because an awkward 14 yo tried to make a compliment about your husbands cooking and the fact that she enjoyed it and saw that you did also. Seems like you aren't very confident in yourself. You could've made it easy for the kids but decided to hold a shy and awkward 14 feel like cr*p for her comment. You are the a**. I was big once, so big I had to have gastric bypass to live. If you don't like socially awkward young girls trying to be nice, then do not let your socially introverted sweet dtr. Make any friends. Grow up.
Now we know why her daughter is socially awkward, with a mother like that.
ARE you a "bigger woman"? As a "bigger man" myself I would have just laughed it off... if you ARE overweight, then own it... if you are blonde, would you be offended if someone mentions it? Then why are you offended because someone says you are overweight??? She didn't said it with malice, she didn't said it to p**s you off or as an insult. Get off your high horse and let your daughter have her friend...
I would say we have a good idea why the daughter is an "awkward loner". The comment was clearly intended as a compliment from what's posted but was very poorly phrased. The friend was also perfectly well aware something was wrong but perhaps not exactly what depending on upbringing. The worst offense here is indeed mom's grudge. Nothing to do with the friend being a child as many misguided people here think; it has to do with taking offense to a compliment, bottling it up, making the guest uncomfortable and holding on to it for months before demanding an apology she should have requested at the first.
An awkwardly worded compliment that you a grown assed adult have held a grudge over. Get a grip, if you are large you are large, you should have owned it! If you wanted an apology or her mentioning your larger was so offensive, you should have said so at the time, awful communication, do better!
The title is totally misleading. The girl didn't make fun of OP's weight - at least not intentionally. She just slipped up and made an awkward joke. It happens to all of us. OP even recognized that the girl seemed to realize her mistake so she probably felt horrible about it already. Perhaps a quick apology after she said it would've been nice ("I'm sorry, that came out wrong") but I can understand feeling so awkward/embarrassed after a misplaced comment that you don't really know what to do/say. OP needs to be (forgive the pun) the bigger person here and just let it go. I've had worse things said to me and let it go because it just wasn't worth the trouble.
If we back this story up to just before the offending remark, it becomes clear that OP created this situation herself. Mommy went trawling for compliments by asking "are you enjoying the food?", which could also be seen as rude. I also don't see the insult or the joke of the girl's comment. Yes, commenting on people's bodies is generally a no-no, but the girl only stated an observable fact that tied in with her praise for Dad's cooking. There was no malicious intent from the 14 year old CHILD who is a decade away from having a fully functioning brain and is most likely as socially awkward as Daughter. What IS malicious is a 37 year old weaponizing her personal sensitivities against her child and that child's ONLY friend, refusing access to her home, demanding an apology, not verbalizing it to the actual person and making her daughter do the awkward part knowing her daughter is awkward to begin with. She couldn't be more of an åsshole if she tried. And she's trying.
I am absolutely flummoxed at how many people are saying NTA 😲🤯. OP said herself that her daughter is socially awkward. So there's a really good chance that her friend is as well. The brain to mouth pathways in a 14 yr old have barely begun to form. And when you add awkwardness on top of that, you basically live with both feet so far in your mouth they come out your a*s! OP also admitted that she could see immediately on the girls face that the harsh realisation of what she just said, highly likely to be an accidental slip of the tongue OH-S**T!-go-white-as-a-ghost-than-red-as-a-tomato moment, was inappropriate but was too awkward and scared to say anything else for fear of making it worse. If you wanted an apology it should've been sought after then and there at that precise moment that it happened. Not months later that's going cause severe anxiety for the girl and fear of coming over as she might say something awkward again and make things worse. I'm 37 as well but I have 4 kids.
Daughter enjoy the one friend she's has actually managed to make, even through her awkwardness, and stop making her, her friend, and your household in general, even more awkward with your pettiness. Be an adult and a mother, not a spoiled brat toddler.
Load More Replies... There's nothing wrong in correcting a child when they make inappropriate comments. And a child is never too young to be corrected. We make society a better place that way. This is not about being too sensitive, insecure, ego or thin skinned etc etc. Today its a bigger woman, tomorrow it's a bigger peer who has to hear those comments. And that bigger peer develops all kinds of self concept issues, making them feel less than..Even kids with autism are corrected by their teachers and adults in their lives if they make insensitive comments. So instead of demanding an apology, let the kid come over and simply have a general conversation. Noting it's always better to make comments that make people feel good about themselves. In fact recommend to her next time you hear someone say something negative to a peer to speak up tell them negative comments are not a nice thing to do. Keep it general without shining the spotlight on the friend. She is clearly not getting this guidance at home.
The mom is an insecure, selfish [rhymes with punt]. One of my friends said something insensitive to my mom once when I was a teenager and she let it go for my benefit.
So when you're little kids you usually make blunt comments like that, but if she won't apologize, she meant it . 14 is 8-9th grad a teacher would not let that fly. Ik I sound harsh. But I also know what it was like to be a teenage girl with fake girlfriends. My mom was bigger woman & friends would point it out in subliminal messages. Those same girls had no issue talking behind my back. One girl was legit psycho when I was 12-15. I never asked her to apologize even when she stole $$ from my mom, because I was afraid of her. I was that introvert kid & the last kid that confronted almost went deaf in one ear because she jabbed a straw into ears till he bleed.But one day she was bullying my childhood best friend keept calling her an autistic r******d freak and i just lost it. After that she backed down & everyone liked me. She ended in prison for almost beating a 85yo to death before grad. Don't let your kids befriend bullies.
It seems like her daughter learned the lack of social skills from the mother. This is also why the dad is more tolerant, since she's probably always a little weird. This needed to be pointed out earlier, so she could be more aware of how unreasonable she's likely to be, and how she should probably listen to outside observers.
If you are fat you are fat, getting offended at being called fat is utterly immature and childish.
The reason her socially awkward kid clicked with this other kid is probably because this awkward is also socially awkward. They likely saw that joke in a movie or on TV (or maybe even in their family. Ragging on each other is some families' love language) somewhere and didn't realize those types of jokes are meant to occur between close friends... not people you just met. Like others said... if you wanted the apology, the time to ask for it was within the same night it occurred.
*Demanding* an appogy is childish and never a good way to get a genuine mending of a relationship. People apologize because they feel it, not because they're forced to. If she has a problem with it, she should slk kindly with the girl and let her know that it hurt her feelings and request that the girl refrain from making comments about her body in the future...you know, modeling good communication and teaching *why* what we say to others matters.
They're both TA. She should have made the kid apologize as soon as she said it but holding a grudge against a kid is dumb and hurts her own child. But yeah the kid was rude, she should have been happy to get food and have a friend.
You're half TA and half NTA. Let me explain. You're TA because you're allowing a minor to rent space in your head. My mom who is a wonderful woman, is also extremely bi-polar and often times forbid me for hanging out with friends for most of my youth because she thought my buddies parents were plotting against her, or speaking down about the family to the neighbors. I'm going to be honest here, it straight up gave me a massive resentment for years. I'm not saying that you may have a mental disorder or that that will happen to your daughter, but I advise to tread lightly. You're NTA because children these days can be unintentionally cruel or socially awkward (thank you "social" media) and this could've been a teachable moment.
YTA! I'm a bigger girl who loves food. I'm healthy af and men hit on me all the time. Irrelevant? Sure. So is a slightly rude offhand comment. You just have a bad personality
Being overweight isn't your only problem. You are selfish. You imply your daughter is in need of friends and then you get all sensitive at a kid who obviously didn't mean it as an insult. You turned it into that with your selfishness. It probably is damaging further your daughters problem because the girl probably told others. You should be ashamed of how embarrassing you acted. Don't blame this teenager for how badly you feel about being fat. Your poor daughter. That was poor mothering.
Let it go mom. You missed your opportunity to speak up. Your daughter deserves a friend. But, make sure you address any further off hand comments immediately. Be kind and firm your daughter's friend may have her own social issues .
If you unintentionally insult someone, you apologize. I don't think the kid meant it as an insult. One of the things wrong with the world today is people are not held accountable for their actions. It might be months later but let the kid apologize and everybody get on with their lives!
If she's a bigger wa. She shouldn't get upset when someone calls her a bigger woman
As someone 320+ lbs I wouldn't have even seen it as insulting. I would have slathered on the praise for my husband's cooking in agreement. Yeah, it's a not-thinking foot-in-mouth moment, but she's 14 and clearly not good with conversations. I have been in those shoes all my life, and it's clear she meant absolutely no harm in it.
Was it actually an insult or was it a statement of fact that she's a bigger woman? And seriously, as an adult and a mother this woman should've have known how to deal with this in the moment. Since she didn't have that maturity, then she shouldn't expect it froman awkward, 14 year old walking hormone bomb!
You set up an uncomfortable silence situation. Your daughter might conclude that she cannot bring friends home. I get it that you won't be insulted in your home but your husband is right and he is a good cook worth keeping and all evidence shows he loves your daughter and you.
YTA... let me explain. She compliments ypue husband, and shows a point that ypu like his food. If ypu didn't lime his food ypu wouldn't wat it and therefore wouldn't be larger. You remember the phrase, " Sticks and stones"? If you get offended by this, then you are tje problem. You are insecure about yourself. I have kids that have tje sane issue. They say things. So what's your choice? Punish them for a mistake. I hope for your sake that all your mistakes are forgotten. WhT if so eone cane to you for one of ypur past mistakes and demanded an apology in front of ypur daughter? What if it was something that had hurt so eone intentionally, not lime this. There is no way she decided to come into your house and look for the perfect chance to offend you. If you have issues with ypur weight, so something about it, or accept it with pride, and show ypur daughter that ypu can love yourself as ypu are, and not by a lie. If you can't handle the truth, then change it.
A smooth brush off was definitely in order. "There's just more of me to love and give ❤️" 😊 She obviously knew that her compliment went bad or she would have continued chatting. Do unto others, and spread a little grace. It seems like OP needs to be kind to herself as well 🥰 If being fat isn't a bad thing in OP's mind, then please don't get offended at being called fat/ large/ big/ etc. They are just descriptions, love. It's okay 🩷
You were so concerned with your daughter that you had her tested for autism but the possibility that she may have an autistic or equally socially awkward friend is just what not a possibility. Some people say things and they don't realize that it's not okay to say whether it's because the way their household talks or because of autism or something and if you are willing to consider that about your daughter then why can't you again consider it about her friends.
NTA. I don't know why anyone would think a 14 year old isn't old enough to apologize. People don't want to hold anyone responsible for their behavior anymore. Look at the world around us and tell me that's a good thing. I don't think so.
I thought body positivity was important? It was a good time to show young girls that you can be proud of your curves.
The friend made an inappropriate comment that should have been dealt with immediately. Or right after dinner. All OP had to say was "comments like that can be hurtful and inappropriate".
14 yr olds are prone to "mouth in drive, brain in idle" statements. It's what they do. They're still navigating how to function socially- they're not adults. IMO this is an opportunity for OP to be an elder, understand the girl likely regrets her comment, was awkward, & get the H over it. This isn't a social death-penalty offense. Seeing as this girl is her daughter's best/only friend, OP ought be less thin-skinned & more tolerant for her daughter's sake. If she's this sensitive, she's in for a long miserable 10-15yr ride because teens are IMMATURE...
Honestly, sometimes kids just say things without realising they're rude or mean. I do this as an 18 year old. Albeit, I'm autistic, but the same grounds hold.
The woman should hold her ground. It was bullying. Goos for her for respecting herself for.not tolerating such a remark.
I love the fact no one cares. Yes..your fat ...it's not like it crept up on you. . You saw this coming the last 10 years as you were shoveling garbage down your throat. (Amongst other things). And now .. kids . Who just see truth... Says your fat. . and your upset? Or. Do something during your day. Maybe a walk, ?? But .. you will hate the kid. Who's telling the truth ..
Um... If your to lazy to tend to your offspring .. use a condom. Instead, your crying cause kids make fun of you??? Well, tuff truth, if kids see it. It's a problem...and for your health, see a Dr. Don't press your horrid diet and bs intake on your child and friend
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