MIL Tells This Woman It’s Her “Job” To Make Sure Her Husband Doesn’t Forget Things, She Refuses To Be His Personal Reminder
If an event is truly important, you have to put in the effort to remember it, personally. Whether that’s setting literally dozens of reminders on your phone or buying a physical calendar, putting it on your desk, and using a fat red pen to draw a ton of exclamation marks. It’s not other people’s responsibility to remind you of things. And no, your partner certainly isn’t your secretary.
Redditor u/Quiet-Guidance turned to the AITA online community for their insights after sharing a spot of family drama. She explained how her husband’s family berated her for not reminding him of important dates, including his own mother’s birthday. Scroll down for the full story, as well as to see what the internet had to say about this tense situation.
If an occasion important enough to you, you’ll find a way to remember it. Ideally, you shouldn’t burden others to remind you
Image credits: olia danilevich (not the actual photo)
One woman turned to the internet for advice after her husband’s family got mad at her because she wouldn’t remind him of important dates
Image credits: nd3000 (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Quiet-Guidance
Not everyone is going to value birthday celebrations the same
Look, we know, we know—pretty much all of us have missed at least a birthday or two. Some of us also have so many things going on that we miss half the important dates each year. And before we know it, it’s time to forget about yet another anniversary!
The fact of the matter is that what dates we remember is a good indication of what we value the most. So, for instance, if you’ve memorized the lineup of your top video game releases for the upcoming year, it’s clear that you value your hobby a lot. However, if you’re constantly missing everyone’s birthdays, it might simply indicate that you don’t put as much value on celebrating them as others might.
A card, a phone call, a gift sent via courier, or a surprise visit—these are all small ways that you can surprise your relatives if they live far away. But the thing is, you have to be honest with yourself about how far you want to go each year. If you genuinely feel like it’s a chore and that your entire life revolves around sending cards and gifts every month to everyone you care about, it might be prudent to simply admit it and take a step back.
If you’re bad at remembering dates, you can surprise your loved ones throughout the year, instead
Yes, others can remind you of birthdays and other important dates, but nobody can force you to care if you, well, don’t. And living up to everyone’s expectations can be quite exhausting. In that case, it’s best to focus on just a handful of dates that really do matter to you. Or to find other ways to show your loved ones that you care about them, throughout the year.
A home-cooked dinner, a romantic date, a small gift that someone mentioned a while ago—how you can surprise your loved ones depends entirely on your creativity. In fact, it can be a lot of fun to take them completely unaware. Especially if they expect you to forget about them this year (again).
Arguments don’t have to turn into fights, as long as everyone’s willing to hear each other out
Whenever you get into an argument with your partner or a family member, it’s vital that you stay in control of your emotions as much as possible. Even if you’re completely in the right, it’s often best to de-escalate the conflict and look for some sort of compromise. You have to consider whether you want to find a solution to the dilemma or if you want to prove that you’re right, at any cost.
Neuropsychologist Judy Ho, Ph.D., told NBCNews that once you’ve explained how you feel, you ought to move on to finding the solution. “Once you’re in the problem-solving phase, take a collaborative approach. Spend some time brainstorming ways to solve the problem and don’t judge each other’s ideas. Then, mutually pick one that sounds like a good compromise to both of you and commit to trying it out,” she said.
According to the expert, couples should also avoid being overly dramatic. So using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ is out the window because all you’ll be doing is forcing your partner to get defensive. Stay grounded. Be less personal.
Meanwhile, Marriage.com urges couples to “let the small things go” and only argue about what truly matters. What’s more, arguments don’t have to devolve into fights: they can be conversations, so long as both sides are open and honest with each other, and willing to actively listen to each other’s perspectives. It can also help to remember that nobody is ever perfect. And only you know for a fact which of your partner’s flaws you can tolerate and which ones cross all of your boundaries.
Some internet users wanted to understand the situation better, so they asked the author some questions
Most readers were on the woman’s side. Here’s what they had to say
I'm honestly shocked that this type of bull s**t is still happening in 2023. The small and large victories women have had to fight for over the decades, and STILL this BS is going on. Women: Stop it! Stop mothering your partners and taking over responsibilities and obligations that they should be handling! Men: Stop it! Don't expect your wife/girlfriend to be your secondhand mommy! Obligatory: not all men, not all women, etc., but apparently enough that we still have to read about this c**p.
Don't you guys think that there are some aspects of life that everyone is responsible for on their own regardless of being in a relationship or not? Remembering important dates being one of them. What if that guy was single and he forgot about his mom's Bday? Whose fault is it then?
Load More Replies...Been there, done that. The mental load is real. It has now been years since his family got any birthday or christmas greetings since I said we each handle our own side of family and I do those friends we both share.
I am absolutely terrible with dates, mostly with realising when a date is approaching. My brain just doesn't seem to wrap around it, so more than a few times I have realised a date had come and gone already. But because I am a grown up, I am perfectly capable of setting reminders for myself in my calendar so I don't lose track of birthdays and events.
And if a spouse is willing to help out with that, great. But that doesn't make it any less your (or mine or any person who is supposed to do the remembering's) responsibility.
Load More Replies...All this "She should get him to make a calendar, make a joint calendar, help him set up reminders, tell him to set up reminders" etc is missing the point. It's not her responsibility to make him care, or teach him to care, or do it for him, or worry about him not remembering. All of that puts the mental load on her. He's an adult. He can come up with his own strategies and tools. It's like expecting the wife to ask for help with the housework, or maintain a chore chart, or initiate a discussion of chore responsibilities. It carries an implicit assumption that it is HER job to be the co-ordinator, and that the default is for her to be responsible.
My brother in law literally said to us that his Mother's Day card was late and it was his wife's fault. She had purchased the card, addressed and stamped the envelope and placed it in the center of his home office desk. All he had to do was sign it and she even told him she'd take it to the mailbox. But it's her fault it didn't get sent out. Drives me bonkers!
Both my husband and my brother have a habit of saying to me "remind me to do x"... my response is always, "you can stand here and watch me put a reminder in my calendar which frankly isn't going to happen, or put it in your own". It takes them more time and effort asking me to do it than if they just did it themselves
My husband has a bad habit of saying "X needs doing". He's not asking me for a reminder, or implying that I need to do it - saying it out loud is how it goes into *his* memory. But it drives me up the wall because I end up devoting brain space to X completely unnecessarily. X is usually done by him within an hour after he says it out loud. Worse, he often says it while we're driving somewhere - by which I mean, *I'm* doing the driving, so am momentarily distracted by filing what will turn out to be an unnecessary reminder in my head while maintaining safe driving! If only he would say "I need to stop saying reminders out loud" and see if that will stick...
Load More Replies...Not only are you NTA, but also it's not your responsibility to come up with a solution. You're not his mother. You're not his personal secretary. He has a smart phone which has a calendar with custom reminders. Honestly, you shouldn't even be involved in this discussion when your husband is 100% at fault. He dropped the ball; he should be the one to retrieve it.
This dude needs to man up. How hard is it to enter people's birthdays in Google calendar, set a reminder and then be done with it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 15 minutes, tops. So, this guy can't dedicate 15-20 minutes of data entry for his own family? But I'm sure he sat on that couch to watch countless, meaningless sports events.
Enlist your side of family to rag at him the next time he doesn’t acknowledge one of their birthdays. Make a big scene with him over it and tell him you expect him to remember their birthdays for you. It’s what he’s done to you, after all. But seriously, just be okay with being the bad guy here and don’t cave into the social pressure.
Mothers are commonly, and almost exclusively, blamed for parenting failures. Edit: In this case, this guy is probably mirroring the behavior of his own father. Behavior that the mother has enabled. Either way, the root cause of that behavior is misogyny.
Load More Replies...I bought my MIL gifts and cards the first couple of years I was married but she never appreciated it, and was honestly pretty nasty to me, so I completely stopped doing anything for her at all. My husband also never remembers, so now she probably wishes she had kept her mouth shut, and not made me feel like garbage for merely thinking about her. I have three sons, and if/when they ever decide to get partners, I'm not going to be anything like the woman I've had to deal with.
Imagine how it feels to be the one who remembers everyone's birthday, mother's day, fathers day, Christmas, organizes all of these celebrations for your kids, your in-laws, your parents, and they thank you for doing so, but don't reciprocate on your birthday, mothers day, Christmas. The only "gift" my ex hubby gave me for my 50th birthday was to beat the c**p out of me because I wanted the papers for my visa.
If his mom thinks "he's a guy - they don't care about stuff like that', how would a mother's day or birthday card have any meaning? He doesn't care, and she knows it.
What a man child. Behaviour for another time and age and she should not have to justify why she shouldn't do it. Classic scenario of arguing on a topic not an issue. There is an underlying issue between mother and son - an issue for them to sort out. Kick that behaviour to the kerb.
Like what kind of argument is that even. I've never met anyone better or more dedicated to sending cards, presents and phone calls (on time) than my father. Yet "men" can't do that?
Men care about this kind of things if they really want to. I was always the one to think months in advance about special gifts and activities to make my partner's birthday special. Always received very little in return, he would ask me what I want as a gift literally couple days before my birthday. Never putting much thought into it. Until one year he asked me what would we be doing this time for his BD and I said same thing we did for mine NOTHING. Guess what, since then he started putting some effort into it because he realized it sucks when no one cares.
Congratulations, you are officially being scapegoated for your husband's issues with his family. Put your foot down and knock that off now, it's only going to get worse.
It's human nature to make an effort for the things that r important to us. Clearly, those dates aren't important to him and that's on him. She's right, she's not his mother. Clearly he is "good" At remembering dates since he knew when his video game was being released. THAT'S important to him. Totally NTA
When hubby and I first got together, I asked his mom for everyone's birthdays and other special dates. I keep an actual wall calendar and I write those dates on it, as well as Dr's appointments, & other special events. I remind hubby to check the calendar occasionally. I don't expect him to remind me and I don't remind him.
Just another reason I'll never get married again. Me and my dogs are as happy as can be!
My bf uses his Google calendar like a champ... and thank f**k, because he has a huge family and I have NO idea when the 50 birthdays/anniversaries/babies' events are supposed to happen, and whose 😂 I also enter important peoples' birthdays, etc. into my Google calendar, yearly reminder, day of event at 9 a.m. and between the two of us, we seem to have everyone covered.
In addition to our digital calendars (where we send each other joint appointments, football schedule, concerts, vet appointments) I have a paper calendar in the kitchen with all the birthdays from his VERY LARGE family written in. I put up a fresh one each year. At some point I may say "don't forget your brother's birthday is Tuesday" but that's it - he is responsible for all that. Exception is Mother's Day. He has an awkward relationship with her, so I do actively remind to get her a card, point out little things he could get her that she would like, wrap for him. I don't do it because it is my job, I do it because I love him. But it is his responsibility to make those birthday calls or deliver the Mother's Day gift.
If you two had agreed on this being your job, it would be. But, just because his parents had such an agreement, it isn't like inherited or so. You didn't agree to this being your job - then it isn't. That's, like, how sharing chores works ... by agreeing on something, acting as agreed upon, and eventually reviewing. Assumptions by his Mama don't obligate you.
tbh this might be overboard but i wouldnt want to stay with someone who gets mad at me for something like not reminding them when THEIR families important dates are and if they dont get why i'd leave them for it id just explain that im not sexually attracted to children
Isn't it sad that men don't realize that women literally create all the joyous moments in their lives? If it were left up to them, there would be any.
Either I'm your wife or your mother. One you can have sex with, one you cannot. You choose.
NTA honestly how old is he, does he also expect her to wipe his bum? Cause this is the age he's acting. MNL has failed in one area of parenting, that is teaching her children to look after themselves and that includes keeping a calendar. As for OP not know dates on his side of the family it's not uncommon, I have no idea of all the dates on his side.
This stuff does need to stop. I always had to buy my MILs bday and Christmas gifts but I made my husband buy his dad’s gifts. My SIL does not not do this for my BIL, and, consequently, my in-laws would get nothing from him. He finally started calling my MIL on her bday and Christmas before she died but the really sad part is that everyone blamed my SIL.
I am so glad I'm married to an actual adult. I send birthday cards to his sisters from ME, not us, because they are my friends. He has a pack of blank cards to send to people if he so wishes, but it's not my responsibility to remind him. I just make sure we've always got stamps. I'd also like to add that his adult children never bother to acknowledge his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. We used to send them each a $50 gift card for birthdays & Christmas and a few years back I'd had it. They have never been concerned with his feelings, so I asked him how long we were going to continue paying them to ignore him? That was a wake up for him & we haven't sent them anything (even cards) since. (Yes, they have our address, his email & cell phone #).
My husband is much better at remembering these things than me. But if either of us send a text/call saying happy whatever it is implied it is from both of us. If the other remembers and makes their own text/call, great. If only one of us does, that's fine too.
I have a ridiculously good memory but I only remember around 40 birthdays of friends and family. My MIL has a calendar and reminds me of the rest on my partner’s side of the family. He remembers 2. Our daughter and one of his brother’s children who was born on his birthday. He asks me every August what date my birthday is (27 years together). He has no clue when my brother’s birthday is (day before mine). He didn’t know my father’s birthday (day before my brother’s). Some people are just really bad with dates. Then there are those of us with a good memory and half of the immediate family having birthdays one after the other 😂
My husband just stepped into a managerial role at work. Sorry, If you can be responsible for X number of subordinates, being prepared for presentations, and hosting meetings, you can pick out a card and put it in the mail for your own mother or you cannot. It's a choice my big boy can make on his own. It's a choice his mother made to raise him to not care enough about her. Pretty much, it's not even my business.
Am I the only one that thinks they are equally at fault here?! Yes the husband should know when his families birthdays, anniversaries etc are, but the wife should too!!! She is a member of the family and in my opinion should know these things. I find it quite disrespectful that she doesn't!!! Not saying she should remind him of these things, maybe a hint or too nearer the date, but if he "forgets", that's on him!!!
So my mom's older family members all had a calendar on the back of the bathroom door (I am told this was a common Dutch thing). Every year someone would copy all the birthdays and anniversaries to the new year and while doing your business you could see what dates were coming up. I should probably do that. I had to remind my ex husband of his mom's bday a few weeks ago. I just happened to drop by with my kids for something and saw the cards on her counter. I quickly shot him a text, but more for her feelings than to save him.
If anyone has failed here, it's the MIL. She had a solid couple of decades to teach her son the importance of remembering important dates and how to celebrate days like birthdays and holidays. Father-in-law also failed if son doesn't know enough to get his mom a card and/or gift for mom for her birthday and Mother's Day. My dad NEVER failed to take my sister and I shopping every year from the time we could walk to get Mom birthday, Xmas, and Mother's Day gifts, and Mom did the same for all the other holidays for Dad and other family members. If men know exactly when a new video game is coming out, or the first day of opening season is w/out having to look it up, there's no excuse for not knowing your mom's birthday.
What sort of an infant doesn't remember birthdays? For the ones I forget I have Calendar reminders.
I refuse to take responsibility for maintaining my husband’s relationships with his family and friends. Your wife is not your social secretary!
I admit to struggle remembering certain important dates for family (aside from mine, my sister's, and my brother's), so that's why I use my cellphone to set calendar reminders to do so. If cellphones are not accessible, then you can always buy your own physical calendar if that is easier. If you can't be proactive when it comes to reminders, don't expect other people (especially your wife) to jump through hoops to accommodate you. NTA.
Yup. I remember all birthdays, organize Mother's Day (only HIS mom is still alive), send cards, do ALL the Christmas shopping, including my own gifts, and plan/coordinate/cook for the holidays. I will say I got the entire family on board with Amazon Wish Lists. Makes holiday shopping much easier, and you can include items that are NOT through Amazon. Of course I am the one to send reminders every year for everyone to update their list.
While I agree that the son should remember (or put in a calendar with reminders) important family dates, I find it curious why the wife (OP) has no interest in knowing those same dates of important event for her in-laws. Does she not care about them at all? Frankly, I think the two of them aren't compatible.
Given that they are family now, she probably should know these dates. And she probably should call/text or whatever to acknowledge them. And if that were what she was being called out for, then sure, that's her bad. BUT they're making it her responsibility to manage her husband. *Their* family member. Nope. That's not on her. Being a guy doesn't excuse the inability to work a calendar. Given how his family is managing the situation, she has every reason to die on this hill.
I wish I had a wife or partner to help me. I forget everything. By now I'm known for it and since I like 700 miles from my family, they forgive me.
Your calendar on your phone can remind you just fine
Load More Replies...I don’t think she is an AH. BUT. Men and women are different. Her solution is best and he hasn’t engaged with it. Women used to do this role as part of housewifeliness but with most working and being left to deal with household and kids. It should be shared workload. We are NOT MEANT to live life like this.
I don't care about your birthday. Or my birthday. If you're over the age of 20 and you expect birthday greetings, you're a child. I always take a moment on my birthday to remember my late Mom but otherwise, I don't need to hear about it from other people.
Her son has known his mother longer than his wife has known her. IJS.
Load More Replies...I'm honestly shocked that this type of bull s**t is still happening in 2023. The small and large victories women have had to fight for over the decades, and STILL this BS is going on. Women: Stop it! Stop mothering your partners and taking over responsibilities and obligations that they should be handling! Men: Stop it! Don't expect your wife/girlfriend to be your secondhand mommy! Obligatory: not all men, not all women, etc., but apparently enough that we still have to read about this c**p.
Don't you guys think that there are some aspects of life that everyone is responsible for on their own regardless of being in a relationship or not? Remembering important dates being one of them. What if that guy was single and he forgot about his mom's Bday? Whose fault is it then?
Load More Replies...Been there, done that. The mental load is real. It has now been years since his family got any birthday or christmas greetings since I said we each handle our own side of family and I do those friends we both share.
I am absolutely terrible with dates, mostly with realising when a date is approaching. My brain just doesn't seem to wrap around it, so more than a few times I have realised a date had come and gone already. But because I am a grown up, I am perfectly capable of setting reminders for myself in my calendar so I don't lose track of birthdays and events.
And if a spouse is willing to help out with that, great. But that doesn't make it any less your (or mine or any person who is supposed to do the remembering's) responsibility.
Load More Replies...All this "She should get him to make a calendar, make a joint calendar, help him set up reminders, tell him to set up reminders" etc is missing the point. It's not her responsibility to make him care, or teach him to care, or do it for him, or worry about him not remembering. All of that puts the mental load on her. He's an adult. He can come up with his own strategies and tools. It's like expecting the wife to ask for help with the housework, or maintain a chore chart, or initiate a discussion of chore responsibilities. It carries an implicit assumption that it is HER job to be the co-ordinator, and that the default is for her to be responsible.
My brother in law literally said to us that his Mother's Day card was late and it was his wife's fault. She had purchased the card, addressed and stamped the envelope and placed it in the center of his home office desk. All he had to do was sign it and she even told him she'd take it to the mailbox. But it's her fault it didn't get sent out. Drives me bonkers!
Both my husband and my brother have a habit of saying to me "remind me to do x"... my response is always, "you can stand here and watch me put a reminder in my calendar which frankly isn't going to happen, or put it in your own". It takes them more time and effort asking me to do it than if they just did it themselves
My husband has a bad habit of saying "X needs doing". He's not asking me for a reminder, or implying that I need to do it - saying it out loud is how it goes into *his* memory. But it drives me up the wall because I end up devoting brain space to X completely unnecessarily. X is usually done by him within an hour after he says it out loud. Worse, he often says it while we're driving somewhere - by which I mean, *I'm* doing the driving, so am momentarily distracted by filing what will turn out to be an unnecessary reminder in my head while maintaining safe driving! If only he would say "I need to stop saying reminders out loud" and see if that will stick...
Load More Replies...Not only are you NTA, but also it's not your responsibility to come up with a solution. You're not his mother. You're not his personal secretary. He has a smart phone which has a calendar with custom reminders. Honestly, you shouldn't even be involved in this discussion when your husband is 100% at fault. He dropped the ball; he should be the one to retrieve it.
This dude needs to man up. How hard is it to enter people's birthdays in Google calendar, set a reminder and then be done with it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 15 minutes, tops. So, this guy can't dedicate 15-20 minutes of data entry for his own family? But I'm sure he sat on that couch to watch countless, meaningless sports events.
Enlist your side of family to rag at him the next time he doesn’t acknowledge one of their birthdays. Make a big scene with him over it and tell him you expect him to remember their birthdays for you. It’s what he’s done to you, after all. But seriously, just be okay with being the bad guy here and don’t cave into the social pressure.
Mothers are commonly, and almost exclusively, blamed for parenting failures. Edit: In this case, this guy is probably mirroring the behavior of his own father. Behavior that the mother has enabled. Either way, the root cause of that behavior is misogyny.
Load More Replies...I bought my MIL gifts and cards the first couple of years I was married but she never appreciated it, and was honestly pretty nasty to me, so I completely stopped doing anything for her at all. My husband also never remembers, so now she probably wishes she had kept her mouth shut, and not made me feel like garbage for merely thinking about her. I have three sons, and if/when they ever decide to get partners, I'm not going to be anything like the woman I've had to deal with.
Imagine how it feels to be the one who remembers everyone's birthday, mother's day, fathers day, Christmas, organizes all of these celebrations for your kids, your in-laws, your parents, and they thank you for doing so, but don't reciprocate on your birthday, mothers day, Christmas. The only "gift" my ex hubby gave me for my 50th birthday was to beat the c**p out of me because I wanted the papers for my visa.
If his mom thinks "he's a guy - they don't care about stuff like that', how would a mother's day or birthday card have any meaning? He doesn't care, and she knows it.
What a man child. Behaviour for another time and age and she should not have to justify why she shouldn't do it. Classic scenario of arguing on a topic not an issue. There is an underlying issue between mother and son - an issue for them to sort out. Kick that behaviour to the kerb.
Like what kind of argument is that even. I've never met anyone better or more dedicated to sending cards, presents and phone calls (on time) than my father. Yet "men" can't do that?
Men care about this kind of things if they really want to. I was always the one to think months in advance about special gifts and activities to make my partner's birthday special. Always received very little in return, he would ask me what I want as a gift literally couple days before my birthday. Never putting much thought into it. Until one year he asked me what would we be doing this time for his BD and I said same thing we did for mine NOTHING. Guess what, since then he started putting some effort into it because he realized it sucks when no one cares.
Congratulations, you are officially being scapegoated for your husband's issues with his family. Put your foot down and knock that off now, it's only going to get worse.
It's human nature to make an effort for the things that r important to us. Clearly, those dates aren't important to him and that's on him. She's right, she's not his mother. Clearly he is "good" At remembering dates since he knew when his video game was being released. THAT'S important to him. Totally NTA
When hubby and I first got together, I asked his mom for everyone's birthdays and other special dates. I keep an actual wall calendar and I write those dates on it, as well as Dr's appointments, & other special events. I remind hubby to check the calendar occasionally. I don't expect him to remind me and I don't remind him.
Just another reason I'll never get married again. Me and my dogs are as happy as can be!
My bf uses his Google calendar like a champ... and thank f**k, because he has a huge family and I have NO idea when the 50 birthdays/anniversaries/babies' events are supposed to happen, and whose 😂 I also enter important peoples' birthdays, etc. into my Google calendar, yearly reminder, day of event at 9 a.m. and between the two of us, we seem to have everyone covered.
In addition to our digital calendars (where we send each other joint appointments, football schedule, concerts, vet appointments) I have a paper calendar in the kitchen with all the birthdays from his VERY LARGE family written in. I put up a fresh one each year. At some point I may say "don't forget your brother's birthday is Tuesday" but that's it - he is responsible for all that. Exception is Mother's Day. He has an awkward relationship with her, so I do actively remind to get her a card, point out little things he could get her that she would like, wrap for him. I don't do it because it is my job, I do it because I love him. But it is his responsibility to make those birthday calls or deliver the Mother's Day gift.
If you two had agreed on this being your job, it would be. But, just because his parents had such an agreement, it isn't like inherited or so. You didn't agree to this being your job - then it isn't. That's, like, how sharing chores works ... by agreeing on something, acting as agreed upon, and eventually reviewing. Assumptions by his Mama don't obligate you.
tbh this might be overboard but i wouldnt want to stay with someone who gets mad at me for something like not reminding them when THEIR families important dates are and if they dont get why i'd leave them for it id just explain that im not sexually attracted to children
Isn't it sad that men don't realize that women literally create all the joyous moments in their lives? If it were left up to them, there would be any.
Either I'm your wife or your mother. One you can have sex with, one you cannot. You choose.
NTA honestly how old is he, does he also expect her to wipe his bum? Cause this is the age he's acting. MNL has failed in one area of parenting, that is teaching her children to look after themselves and that includes keeping a calendar. As for OP not know dates on his side of the family it's not uncommon, I have no idea of all the dates on his side.
This stuff does need to stop. I always had to buy my MILs bday and Christmas gifts but I made my husband buy his dad’s gifts. My SIL does not not do this for my BIL, and, consequently, my in-laws would get nothing from him. He finally started calling my MIL on her bday and Christmas before she died but the really sad part is that everyone blamed my SIL.
I am so glad I'm married to an actual adult. I send birthday cards to his sisters from ME, not us, because they are my friends. He has a pack of blank cards to send to people if he so wishes, but it's not my responsibility to remind him. I just make sure we've always got stamps. I'd also like to add that his adult children never bother to acknowledge his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. We used to send them each a $50 gift card for birthdays & Christmas and a few years back I'd had it. They have never been concerned with his feelings, so I asked him how long we were going to continue paying them to ignore him? That was a wake up for him & we haven't sent them anything (even cards) since. (Yes, they have our address, his email & cell phone #).
My husband is much better at remembering these things than me. But if either of us send a text/call saying happy whatever it is implied it is from both of us. If the other remembers and makes their own text/call, great. If only one of us does, that's fine too.
I have a ridiculously good memory but I only remember around 40 birthdays of friends and family. My MIL has a calendar and reminds me of the rest on my partner’s side of the family. He remembers 2. Our daughter and one of his brother’s children who was born on his birthday. He asks me every August what date my birthday is (27 years together). He has no clue when my brother’s birthday is (day before mine). He didn’t know my father’s birthday (day before my brother’s). Some people are just really bad with dates. Then there are those of us with a good memory and half of the immediate family having birthdays one after the other 😂
My husband just stepped into a managerial role at work. Sorry, If you can be responsible for X number of subordinates, being prepared for presentations, and hosting meetings, you can pick out a card and put it in the mail for your own mother or you cannot. It's a choice my big boy can make on his own. It's a choice his mother made to raise him to not care enough about her. Pretty much, it's not even my business.
Am I the only one that thinks they are equally at fault here?! Yes the husband should know when his families birthdays, anniversaries etc are, but the wife should too!!! She is a member of the family and in my opinion should know these things. I find it quite disrespectful that she doesn't!!! Not saying she should remind him of these things, maybe a hint or too nearer the date, but if he "forgets", that's on him!!!
So my mom's older family members all had a calendar on the back of the bathroom door (I am told this was a common Dutch thing). Every year someone would copy all the birthdays and anniversaries to the new year and while doing your business you could see what dates were coming up. I should probably do that. I had to remind my ex husband of his mom's bday a few weeks ago. I just happened to drop by with my kids for something and saw the cards on her counter. I quickly shot him a text, but more for her feelings than to save him.
If anyone has failed here, it's the MIL. She had a solid couple of decades to teach her son the importance of remembering important dates and how to celebrate days like birthdays and holidays. Father-in-law also failed if son doesn't know enough to get his mom a card and/or gift for mom for her birthday and Mother's Day. My dad NEVER failed to take my sister and I shopping every year from the time we could walk to get Mom birthday, Xmas, and Mother's Day gifts, and Mom did the same for all the other holidays for Dad and other family members. If men know exactly when a new video game is coming out, or the first day of opening season is w/out having to look it up, there's no excuse for not knowing your mom's birthday.
What sort of an infant doesn't remember birthdays? For the ones I forget I have Calendar reminders.
I refuse to take responsibility for maintaining my husband’s relationships with his family and friends. Your wife is not your social secretary!
I admit to struggle remembering certain important dates for family (aside from mine, my sister's, and my brother's), so that's why I use my cellphone to set calendar reminders to do so. If cellphones are not accessible, then you can always buy your own physical calendar if that is easier. If you can't be proactive when it comes to reminders, don't expect other people (especially your wife) to jump through hoops to accommodate you. NTA.
Yup. I remember all birthdays, organize Mother's Day (only HIS mom is still alive), send cards, do ALL the Christmas shopping, including my own gifts, and plan/coordinate/cook for the holidays. I will say I got the entire family on board with Amazon Wish Lists. Makes holiday shopping much easier, and you can include items that are NOT through Amazon. Of course I am the one to send reminders every year for everyone to update their list.
While I agree that the son should remember (or put in a calendar with reminders) important family dates, I find it curious why the wife (OP) has no interest in knowing those same dates of important event for her in-laws. Does she not care about them at all? Frankly, I think the two of them aren't compatible.
Given that they are family now, she probably should know these dates. And she probably should call/text or whatever to acknowledge them. And if that were what she was being called out for, then sure, that's her bad. BUT they're making it her responsibility to manage her husband. *Their* family member. Nope. That's not on her. Being a guy doesn't excuse the inability to work a calendar. Given how his family is managing the situation, she has every reason to die on this hill.
I wish I had a wife or partner to help me. I forget everything. By now I'm known for it and since I like 700 miles from my family, they forgive me.
Your calendar on your phone can remind you just fine
Load More Replies...I don’t think she is an AH. BUT. Men and women are different. Her solution is best and he hasn’t engaged with it. Women used to do this role as part of housewifeliness but with most working and being left to deal with household and kids. It should be shared workload. We are NOT MEANT to live life like this.
I don't care about your birthday. Or my birthday. If you're over the age of 20 and you expect birthday greetings, you're a child. I always take a moment on my birthday to remember my late Mom but otherwise, I don't need to hear about it from other people.
Her son has known his mother longer than his wife has known her. IJS.
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