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MIL Tells This Woman It’s Her “Job” To Make Sure Her Husband Doesn’t Forget Things, She Refuses To Be His Personal Reminder
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MIL Tells This Woman It’s Her “Job” To Make Sure Her Husband Doesn’t Forget Things, She Refuses To Be His Personal Reminder

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If an event is truly important, you have to put in the effort to remember it, personally. Whether that’s setting literally dozens of reminders on your phone or buying a physical calendar, putting it on your desk, and using a fat red pen to draw a ton of exclamation marks. It’s not other people’s responsibility to remind you of things. And no, your partner certainly isn’t your secretary.

Redditor u/Quiet-Guidance turned to the AITA online community for their insights after sharing a spot of family drama. She explained how her husband’s family berated her for not reminding him of important dates, including his own mother’s birthday. Scroll down for the full story, as well as to see what the internet had to say about this tense situation.

If an occasion important enough to you, you’ll find a way to remember it. Ideally, you shouldn’t burden others to remind you

Image credits: olia danilevich (not the actual photo)

One woman turned to the internet for advice after her husband’s family got mad at her because she wouldn’t remind him of important dates

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Image credits: nd3000 (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: Quiet-Guidance

Not everyone is going to value birthday celebrations the same

Look, we know, we know—pretty much all of us have missed at least a birthday or two. Some of us also have so many things going on that we miss half the important dates each year. And before we know it, it’s time to forget about yet another anniversary!

The fact of the matter is that what dates we remember is a good indication of what we value the most. So, for instance, if you’ve memorized the lineup of your top video game releases for the upcoming year, it’s clear that you value your hobby a lot. However, if you’re constantly missing everyone’s birthdays, it might simply indicate that you don’t put as much value on celebrating them as others might.

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A card, a phone call, a gift sent via courier, or a surprise visit—these are all small ways that you can surprise your relatives if they live far away. But the thing is, you have to be honest with yourself about how far you want to go each year. If you genuinely feel like it’s a chore and that your entire life revolves around sending cards and gifts every month to everyone you care about, it might be prudent to simply admit it and take a step back.

If you’re bad at remembering dates, you can surprise your loved ones throughout the year, instead

Yes, others can remind you of birthdays and other important dates, but nobody can force you to care if you, well, don’t. And living up to everyone’s expectations can be quite exhausting. In that case, it’s best to focus on just a handful of dates that really do matter to you. Or to find other ways to show your loved ones that you care about them, throughout the year.

A home-cooked dinner, a romantic date, a small gift that someone mentioned a while ago—how you can surprise your loved ones depends entirely on your creativity. In fact, it can be a lot of fun to take them completely unaware. Especially if they expect you to forget about them this year (again).

Arguments don’t have to turn into fights, as long as everyone’s willing to hear each other out

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Whenever you get into an argument with your partner or a family member, it’s vital that you stay in control of your emotions as much as possible. Even if you’re completely in the right, it’s often best to de-escalate the conflict and look for some sort of compromise. You have to consider whether you want to find a solution to the dilemma or if you want to prove that you’re right, at any cost.

Neuropsychologist Judy Ho, Ph.D., told NBCNews that once you’ve explained how you feel, you ought to move on to finding the solution. “Once you’re in the problem-solving phase, take a collaborative approach. Spend some time brainstorming ways to solve the problem and don’t judge each other’s ideas. Then, mutually pick one that sounds like a good compromise to both of you and commit to trying it out,” she said.

According to the expert, couples should also avoid being overly dramatic. So using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ is out the window because all you’ll be doing is forcing your partner to get defensive. Stay grounded. Be less personal.

Meanwhile, Marriage.com urges couples to “let the small things go” and only argue about what truly matters. What’s more, arguments don’t have to devolve into fights: they can be conversations, so long as both sides are open and honest with each other, and willing to actively listen to each other’s perspectives. It can also help to remember that nobody is ever perfect. And only you know for a fact which of your partner’s flaws you can tolerate and which ones cross all of your boundaries.

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Some internet users wanted to understand the situation better, so they asked the author some questions

Most readers were on the woman’s side. Here’s what they had to say

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tamrastiffler avatar
Tamra
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm honestly shocked that this type of bull s**t is still happening in 2023. The small and large victories women have had to fight for over the decades, and STILL this BS is going on. Women: Stop it! Stop mothering your partners and taking over responsibilities and obligations that they should be handling! Men: Stop it! Don't expect your wife/girlfriend to be your secondhand mommy! Obligatory: not all men, not all women, etc., but apparently enough that we still have to read about this c**p.

juskaka avatar
Dzusty
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't you guys think that there are some aspects of life that everyone is responsible for on their own regardless of being in a relationship or not? Remembering important dates being one of them. What if that guy was single and he forgot about his mom's Bday? Whose fault is it then?

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t_brunken avatar
Tammy
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Woman gives birth and raises a man who refuses to remember her birthday, gets mad at the other woman for not continuing to raise the man baby. Internal misogyny at its finest.

kicki avatar
Panda Kicki
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Been there, done that. The mental load is real. It has now been years since his family got any birthday or christmas greetings since I said we each handle our own side of family and I do those friends we both share.

rdougherty666 avatar
Ryan-James O'Driscoll
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am absolutely terrible with dates, mostly with realising when a date is approaching. My brain just doesn't seem to wrap around it, so more than a few times I have realised a date had come and gone already. But because I am a grown up, I am perfectly capable of setting reminders for myself in my calendar so I don't lose track of birthdays and events.

mralt avatar
MR
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And if a spouse is willing to help out with that, great. But that doesn't make it any less your (or mine or any person who is supposed to do the remembering's) responsibility.

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deborahbrett avatar
Deborah B
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All this "She should get him to make a calendar, make a joint calendar, help him set up reminders, tell him to set up reminders" etc is missing the point. It's not her responsibility to make him care, or teach him to care, or do it for him, or worry about him not remembering. All of that puts the mental load on her. He's an adult. He can come up with his own strategies and tools. It's like expecting the wife to ask for help with the housework, or maintain a chore chart, or initiate a discussion of chore responsibilities. It carries an implicit assumption that it is HER job to be the co-ordinator, and that the default is for her to be responsible.

bubs623 avatar
Bubs623
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My brother in law literally said to us that his Mother's Day card was late and it was his wife's fault. She had purchased the card, addressed and stamped the envelope and placed it in the center of his home office desk. All he had to do was sign it and she even told him she'd take it to the mailbox. But it's her fault it didn't get sent out. Drives me bonkers!

rosieetike avatar
Tyke
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Both my husband and my brother have a habit of saying to me "remind me to do x"... my response is always, "you can stand here and watch me put a reminder in my calendar which frankly isn't going to happen, or put it in your own". It takes them more time and effort asking me to do it than if they just did it themselves

ngregory avatar
N Miller
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband has a bad habit of saying "X needs doing". He's not asking me for a reminder, or implying that I need to do it - saying it out loud is how it goes into *his* memory. But it drives me up the wall because I end up devoting brain space to X completely unnecessarily. X is usually done by him within an hour after he says it out loud. Worse, he often says it while we're driving somewhere - by which I mean, *I'm* doing the driving, so am momentarily distracted by filing what will turn out to be an unnecessary reminder in my head while maintaining safe driving! If only he would say "I need to stop saying reminders out loud" and see if that will stick...

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jameskramer avatar
James016
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How can he not know his immediate family's birthdays? That's just weird

nikkisevven avatar
Nikki Sevven
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not only are you NTA, but also it's not your responsibility to come up with a solution. You're not his mother. You're not his personal secretary. He has a smart phone which has a calendar with custom reminders. Honestly, you shouldn't even be involved in this discussion when your husband is 100% at fault. He dropped the ball; he should be the one to retrieve it.

georgeduncan avatar
George D
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This dude needs to man up. How hard is it to enter people's birthdays in Google calendar, set a reminder and then be done with it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 15 minutes, tops. So, this guy can't dedicate 15-20 minutes of data entry for his own family? But I'm sure he sat on that couch to watch countless, meaningless sports events.

laurabamber avatar
The Starsong Princess
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Enlist your side of family to rag at him the next time he doesn’t acknowledge one of their birthdays. Make a big scene with him over it and tell him you expect him to remember their birthdays for you. It’s what he’s done to you, after all. But seriously, just be okay with being the bad guy here and don’t cave into the social pressure.

ba1923a avatar
tamrastiffler avatar
Tamra
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Mothers are commonly, and almost exclusively, blamed for parenting failures. Edit: In this case, this guy is probably mirroring the behavior of his own father. Behavior that the mother has enabled. Either way, the root cause of that behavior is misogyny.

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shopgirl012974 avatar
Alicia M
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I bought my MIL gifts and cards the first couple of years I was married but she never appreciated it, and was honestly pretty nasty to me, so I completely stopped doing anything for her at all. My husband also never remembers, so now she probably wishes she had kept her mouth shut, and not made me feel like garbage for merely thinking about her. I have three sons, and if/when they ever decide to get partners, I'm not going to be anything like the woman I've had to deal with.

scarlet-patience avatar
Noname
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Imagine how it feels to be the one who remembers everyone's birthday, mother's day, fathers day, Christmas, organizes all of these celebrations for your kids, your in-laws, your parents, and they thank you for doing so, but don't reciprocate on your birthday, mothers day, Christmas. The only "gift" my ex hubby gave me for my 50th birthday was to beat the c**p out of me because I wanted the papers for my visa.

lumberjack44 avatar
JL
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Does she cut the meat on his dinner plate and lay out his footie PJs for bedtime too?

tristanjones avatar
Tristan J
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm not great at it but don't expect anyone to do it for me. Man child and coddled parenting.

michaellargey avatar
Michael Largey
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If his mom thinks "he's a guy - they don't care about stuff like that', how would a mother's day or birthday card have any meaning? He doesn't care, and she knows it.

angeladalton2000 avatar
Angela Poskaitis Dalton
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a man child. Behaviour for another time and age and she should not have to justify why she shouldn't do it. Classic scenario of arguing on a topic not an issue. There is an underlying issue between mother and son - an issue for them to sort out. Kick that behaviour to the kerb.

idrow avatar
Id row
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can't even imagine my husband expecting me to remember the dates of all his sh*t. The OP in this story is correct - she is not his mom. Maybe he should move back in with mommy if he wants one so bad.

rayannawilson avatar
RayAnna Wilson
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Like what kind of argument is that even. I've never met anyone better or more dedicated to sending cards, presents and phone calls (on time) than my father. Yet "men" can't do that?

juskaka avatar
Dzusty
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men care about this kind of things if they really want to. I was always the one to think months in advance about special gifts and activities to make my partner's birthday special. Always received very little in return, he would ask me what I want as a gift literally couple days before my birthday. Never putting much thought into it. Until one year he asked me what would we be doing this time for his BD and I said same thing we did for mine NOTHING. Guess what, since then he started putting some effort into it because he realized it sucks when no one cares.

negatoriswrecks avatar
Negatoris Wrecks
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Congratulations, you are officially being scapegoated for your husband's issues with his family. Put your foot down and knock that off now, it's only going to get worse.

sarawilson_2 avatar
Sara Wilson
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's human nature to make an effort for the things that r important to us. Clearly, those dates aren't important to him and that's on him. She's right, she's not his mother. Clearly he is "good" At remembering dates since he knew when his video game was being released. THAT'S important to him. Totally NTA

brendaspagnola avatar
Brenda
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When hubby and I first got together, I asked his mom for everyone's birthdays and other special dates. I keep an actual wall calendar and I write those dates on it, as well as Dr's appointments, & other special events. I remind hubby to check the calendar occasionally. I don't expect him to remind me and I don't remind him.

vickicunningham avatar
Vicki Cunningham
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just another reason I'll never get married again. Me and my dogs are as happy as can be!

mtmistress86 avatar
The Other Other White Meat
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My bf uses his Google calendar like a champ... and thank f**k, because he has a huge family and I have NO idea when the 50 birthdays/anniversaries/babies' events are supposed to happen, and whose 😂 I also enter important peoples' birthdays, etc. into my Google calendar, yearly reminder, day of event at 9 a.m. and between the two of us, we seem to have everyone covered.

bobbygoodson avatar
Bobby
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I stuck at dates too. That's why my wife and I do the shared calendar thing too. But I set my alerts to go off multiple times depending on what it is. A birthday? Week before and day of alerts

kimberly_blizzard_blizzard avatar
ThisIsMe
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In addition to our digital calendars (where we send each other joint appointments, football schedule, concerts, vet appointments) I have a paper calendar in the kitchen with all the birthdays from his VERY LARGE family written in. I put up a fresh one each year. At some point I may say "don't forget your brother's birthday is Tuesday" but that's it - he is responsible for all that. Exception is Mother's Day. He has an awkward relationship with her, so I do actively remind to get her a card, point out little things he could get her that she would like, wrap for him. I don't do it because it is my job, I do it because I love him. But it is his responsibility to make those birthday calls or deliver the Mother's Day gift.

dc1 avatar
DC
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you two had agreed on this being your job, it would be. But, just because his parents had such an agreement, it isn't like inherited or so. You didn't agree to this being your job - then it isn't. That's, like, how sharing chores works ... by agreeing on something, acting as agreed upon, and eventually reviewing. Assumptions by his Mama don't obligate you.

amandataylor_4 avatar
Amanda Taylor
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Isn't it sad that men don't realize that women literally create all the joyous moments in their lives? If it were left up to them, there would be any.

janinerandall avatar
Janine Randall
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Either I'm your wife or your mother. One you can have sex with, one you cannot. You choose.

nonotalways avatar
Bryn
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

These are red flags. You married a spouse, not a child.

rosebroady8 avatar
Livingwithcfs
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA honestly how old is he, does he also expect her to wipe his bum? Cause this is the age he's acting. MNL has failed in one area of parenting, that is teaching her children to look after themselves and that includes keeping a calendar. As for OP not know dates on his side of the family it's not uncommon, I have no idea of all the dates on his side.

willemsen avatar
Meami
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This stuff does need to stop. I always had to buy my MILs bday and Christmas gifts but I made my husband buy his dad’s gifts. My SIL does not not do this for my BIL, and, consequently, my in-laws would get nothing from him. He finally started calling my MIL on her bday and Christmas before she died but the really sad part is that everyone blamed my SIL.

dodsonmichelle avatar
Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am so glad I'm married to an actual adult. I send birthday cards to his sisters from ME, not us, because they are my friends. He has a pack of blank cards to send to people if he so wishes, but it's not my responsibility to remind him. I just make sure we've always got stamps. I'd also like to add that his adult children never bother to acknowledge his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. We used to send them each a $50 gift card for birthdays & Christmas and a few years back I'd had it. They have never been concerned with his feelings, so I asked him how long we were going to continue paying them to ignore him? That was a wake up for him & we haven't sent them anything (even cards) since. (Yes, they have our address, his email & cell phone #).

stephaniedowns avatar
NotTodaySatan!!
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband is much better at remembering these things than me. But if either of us send a text/call saying happy whatever it is implied it is from both of us. If the other remembers and makes their own text/call, great. If only one of us does, that's fine too.

cherylhayesbent avatar
Chez2202
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a ridiculously good memory but I only remember around 40 birthdays of friends and family. My MIL has a calendar and reminds me of the rest on my partner’s side of the family. He remembers 2. Our daughter and one of his brother’s children who was born on his birthday. He asks me every August what date my birthday is (27 years together). He has no clue when my brother’s birthday is (day before mine). He didn’t know my father’s birthday (day before my brother’s). Some people are just really bad with dates. Then there are those of us with a good memory and half of the immediate family having birthdays one after the other 😂

rachelhoch avatar
Rebel Peewee
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband just stepped into a managerial role at work. Sorry, If you can be responsible for X number of subordinates, being prepared for presentations, and hosting meetings, you can pick out a card and put it in the mail for your own mother or you cannot. It's a choice my big boy can make on his own. It's a choice his mother made to raise him to not care enough about her. Pretty much, it's not even my business.

nadia_dodd avatar
WishIWasAFlapperGirl
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Am I the only one that thinks they are equally at fault here?! Yes the husband should know when his families birthdays, anniversaries etc are, but the wife should too!!! She is a member of the family and in my opinion should know these things. I find it quite disrespectful that she doesn't!!! Not saying she should remind him of these things, maybe a hint or too nearer the date, but if he "forgets", that's on him!!!

meeepy53 avatar
David Fox
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Imagine being in a relationship and your having to baby your significant other....

barbara_skolly avatar
Barbara Skolly
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So my mom's older family members all had a calendar on the back of the bathroom door (I am told this was a common Dutch thing). Every year someone would copy all the birthdays and anniversaries to the new year and while doing your business you could see what dates were coming up. I should probably do that. I had to remind my ex husband of his mom's bday a few weeks ago. I just happened to drop by with my kids for something and saw the cards on her counter. I quickly shot him a text, but more for her feelings than to save him.

bunnymommy99 avatar
Shannon Donnelly
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If anyone has failed here, it's the MIL. She had a solid couple of decades to teach her son the importance of remembering important dates and how to celebrate days like birthdays and holidays. Father-in-law also failed if son doesn't know enough to get his mom a card and/or gift for mom for her birthday and Mother's Day. My dad NEVER failed to take my sister and I shopping every year from the time we could walk to get Mom birthday, Xmas, and Mother's Day gifts, and Mom did the same for all the other holidays for Dad and other family members. If men know exactly when a new video game is coming out, or the first day of opening season is w/out having to look it up, there's no excuse for not knowing your mom's birthday.

zhhhvvmbfdcotuiqig avatar
Tim Nicebutdim
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What sort of an infant doesn't remember birthdays? For the ones I forget I have Calendar reminders.

kathmorgan avatar
kath morgan
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I refuse to take responsibility for maintaining my husband’s relationships with his family and friends. Your wife is not your social secretary!

connor_griswold avatar
CG
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I admit to struggle remembering certain important dates for family (aside from mine, my sister's, and my brother's), so that's why I use my cellphone to set calendar reminders to do so. If cellphones are not accessible, then you can always buy your own physical calendar if that is easier. If you can't be proactive when it comes to reminders, don't expect other people (especially your wife) to jump through hoops to accommodate you. NTA.

carywise avatar
Urbangirlatl
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yup. I remember all birthdays, organize Mother's Day (only HIS mom is still alive), send cards, do ALL the Christmas shopping, including my own gifts, and plan/coordinate/cook for the holidays. I will say I got the entire family on board with Amazon Wish Lists. Makes holiday shopping much easier, and you can include items that are NOT through Amazon. Of course I am the one to send reminders every year for everyone to update their list.

jessicaspecht avatar
Jessica SpeLangm
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While I agree that the son should remember (or put in a calendar with reminders) important family dates, I find it curious why the wife (OP) has no interest in knowing those same dates of important event for her in-laws. Does she not care about them at all? Frankly, I think the two of them aren't compatible.

mralt avatar
MR
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Given that they are family now, she probably should know these dates. And she probably should call/text or whatever to acknowledge them. And if that were what she was being called out for, then sure, that's her bad. BUT they're making it her responsibility to manage her husband. *Their* family member. Nope. That's not on her. Being a guy doesn't excuse the inability to work a calendar. Given how his family is managing the situation, she has every reason to die on this hill.

joshuadavid avatar
Joshua David
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish I had a wife or partner to help me. I forget everything. By now I'm known for it and since I like 700 miles from my family, they forgive me.

gcs5017907 avatar
Doodles1983
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don’t think she is an AH. BUT. Men and women are different. Her solution is best and he hasn’t engaged with it. Women used to do this role as part of housewifeliness but with most working and being left to deal with household and kids. It should be shared workload. We are NOT MEANT to live life like this.

megasmacky avatar
mega smacky
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't care about your birthday. Or my birthday. If you're over the age of 20 and you expect birthday greetings, you're a child. I always take a moment on my birthday to remember my late Mom but otherwise, I don't need to hear about it from other people.

kyled avatar
Kyle D
Community Member
10 months ago

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I'd have to say a smidge of an AH, depending on how long she's been married. If newly married sure she wouldn't have known the important dates but to continue to say, "How would I know", if she's been married for awhile is the AH part. Why didn't she inquire as to when these dates were? Yeah, I get they aren't HER family members and if they indeed live on the other side of the country and she either never met them or never see them, but she DID marry into his family but yet, she never inquired as to the dates? I understand after the wedding the first thing people don't do is write down every sibling, parent, nephew, niece, aunt, uncle's birthdays & I agree it's not her JOB to remind him, but she evidently doesn't care just as much to not only keep up w/ the dates, but apparently to have never bothered to know them in the first place. The joint calendar was the perfect solution but he clearly doesn't care enough to even keep that up, Her being the AH is a minute fraction of his.

t_brunken avatar
Tammy
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her son has known his mother longer than his wife has known her. IJS.

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Ron Baza
Community Member
10 months ago

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This won’t be a popular opinion but it’s a hard YTA from me. She’s the wife, she should send cards. She should buy a stack of 20 cards. Ask him to write Happy Birthday in each of them with the relevant people’s names, and to put their address on the envelope. Leave them for a week. If he doesn’t sign then then it’s HER responsibility to write HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HUSBAND HAS HAD A FULL WEEK BUT COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO FILL THIS OUT. And no, that wasn’t an error, she should write in block capitals. If he can’t be bothered to write the mother’s address she should fill it out on the envelope. In those same block capitals (always worth emphasising that he hasn’t been bothered). Also on the envelope, just mark the top of each one ‘OPEN ON WHENEVER YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN 2023’, ‘ OPEN ON WHENEVER YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN 2024’, etc. Post them. Job done for the next 20 years.

tamrastiffler avatar
Tamra
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm honestly shocked that this type of bull s**t is still happening in 2023. The small and large victories women have had to fight for over the decades, and STILL this BS is going on. Women: Stop it! Stop mothering your partners and taking over responsibilities and obligations that they should be handling! Men: Stop it! Don't expect your wife/girlfriend to be your secondhand mommy! Obligatory: not all men, not all women, etc., but apparently enough that we still have to read about this c**p.

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Dzusty
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't you guys think that there are some aspects of life that everyone is responsible for on their own regardless of being in a relationship or not? Remembering important dates being one of them. What if that guy was single and he forgot about his mom's Bday? Whose fault is it then?

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Tammy
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Woman gives birth and raises a man who refuses to remember her birthday, gets mad at the other woman for not continuing to raise the man baby. Internal misogyny at its finest.

kicki avatar
Panda Kicki
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Been there, done that. The mental load is real. It has now been years since his family got any birthday or christmas greetings since I said we each handle our own side of family and I do those friends we both share.

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Ryan-James O'Driscoll
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am absolutely terrible with dates, mostly with realising when a date is approaching. My brain just doesn't seem to wrap around it, so more than a few times I have realised a date had come and gone already. But because I am a grown up, I am perfectly capable of setting reminders for myself in my calendar so I don't lose track of birthdays and events.

mralt avatar
MR
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And if a spouse is willing to help out with that, great. But that doesn't make it any less your (or mine or any person who is supposed to do the remembering's) responsibility.

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Deborah B
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All this "She should get him to make a calendar, make a joint calendar, help him set up reminders, tell him to set up reminders" etc is missing the point. It's not her responsibility to make him care, or teach him to care, or do it for him, or worry about him not remembering. All of that puts the mental load on her. He's an adult. He can come up with his own strategies and tools. It's like expecting the wife to ask for help with the housework, or maintain a chore chart, or initiate a discussion of chore responsibilities. It carries an implicit assumption that it is HER job to be the co-ordinator, and that the default is for her to be responsible.

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Bubs623
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My brother in law literally said to us that his Mother's Day card was late and it was his wife's fault. She had purchased the card, addressed and stamped the envelope and placed it in the center of his home office desk. All he had to do was sign it and she even told him she'd take it to the mailbox. But it's her fault it didn't get sent out. Drives me bonkers!

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Tyke
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Both my husband and my brother have a habit of saying to me "remind me to do x"... my response is always, "you can stand here and watch me put a reminder in my calendar which frankly isn't going to happen, or put it in your own". It takes them more time and effort asking me to do it than if they just did it themselves

ngregory avatar
N Miller
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband has a bad habit of saying "X needs doing". He's not asking me for a reminder, or implying that I need to do it - saying it out loud is how it goes into *his* memory. But it drives me up the wall because I end up devoting brain space to X completely unnecessarily. X is usually done by him within an hour after he says it out loud. Worse, he often says it while we're driving somewhere - by which I mean, *I'm* doing the driving, so am momentarily distracted by filing what will turn out to be an unnecessary reminder in my head while maintaining safe driving! If only he would say "I need to stop saying reminders out loud" and see if that will stick...

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James016
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How can he not know his immediate family's birthdays? That's just weird

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Nikki Sevven
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not only are you NTA, but also it's not your responsibility to come up with a solution. You're not his mother. You're not his personal secretary. He has a smart phone which has a calendar with custom reminders. Honestly, you shouldn't even be involved in this discussion when your husband is 100% at fault. He dropped the ball; he should be the one to retrieve it.

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George D
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This dude needs to man up. How hard is it to enter people's birthdays in Google calendar, set a reminder and then be done with it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 15 minutes, tops. So, this guy can't dedicate 15-20 minutes of data entry for his own family? But I'm sure he sat on that couch to watch countless, meaningless sports events.

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The Starsong Princess
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Enlist your side of family to rag at him the next time he doesn’t acknowledge one of their birthdays. Make a big scene with him over it and tell him you expect him to remember their birthdays for you. It’s what he’s done to you, after all. But seriously, just be okay with being the bad guy here and don’t cave into the social pressure.

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tamrastiffler avatar
Tamra
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Mothers are commonly, and almost exclusively, blamed for parenting failures. Edit: In this case, this guy is probably mirroring the behavior of his own father. Behavior that the mother has enabled. Either way, the root cause of that behavior is misogyny.

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Alicia M
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I bought my MIL gifts and cards the first couple of years I was married but she never appreciated it, and was honestly pretty nasty to me, so I completely stopped doing anything for her at all. My husband also never remembers, so now she probably wishes she had kept her mouth shut, and not made me feel like garbage for merely thinking about her. I have three sons, and if/when they ever decide to get partners, I'm not going to be anything like the woman I've had to deal with.

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Noname
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Imagine how it feels to be the one who remembers everyone's birthday, mother's day, fathers day, Christmas, organizes all of these celebrations for your kids, your in-laws, your parents, and they thank you for doing so, but don't reciprocate on your birthday, mothers day, Christmas. The only "gift" my ex hubby gave me for my 50th birthday was to beat the c**p out of me because I wanted the papers for my visa.

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JL
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Does she cut the meat on his dinner plate and lay out his footie PJs for bedtime too?

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Tristan J
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm not great at it but don't expect anyone to do it for me. Man child and coddled parenting.

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Michael Largey
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If his mom thinks "he's a guy - they don't care about stuff like that', how would a mother's day or birthday card have any meaning? He doesn't care, and she knows it.

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Angela Poskaitis Dalton
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What a man child. Behaviour for another time and age and she should not have to justify why she shouldn't do it. Classic scenario of arguing on a topic not an issue. There is an underlying issue between mother and son - an issue for them to sort out. Kick that behaviour to the kerb.

idrow avatar
Id row
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can't even imagine my husband expecting me to remember the dates of all his sh*t. The OP in this story is correct - she is not his mom. Maybe he should move back in with mommy if he wants one so bad.

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RayAnna Wilson
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Like what kind of argument is that even. I've never met anyone better or more dedicated to sending cards, presents and phone calls (on time) than my father. Yet "men" can't do that?

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Dzusty
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men care about this kind of things if they really want to. I was always the one to think months in advance about special gifts and activities to make my partner's birthday special. Always received very little in return, he would ask me what I want as a gift literally couple days before my birthday. Never putting much thought into it. Until one year he asked me what would we be doing this time for his BD and I said same thing we did for mine NOTHING. Guess what, since then he started putting some effort into it because he realized it sucks when no one cares.

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Negatoris Wrecks
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Congratulations, you are officially being scapegoated for your husband's issues with his family. Put your foot down and knock that off now, it's only going to get worse.

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Sara Wilson
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's human nature to make an effort for the things that r important to us. Clearly, those dates aren't important to him and that's on him. She's right, she's not his mother. Clearly he is "good" At remembering dates since he knew when his video game was being released. THAT'S important to him. Totally NTA

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Brenda
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When hubby and I first got together, I asked his mom for everyone's birthdays and other special dates. I keep an actual wall calendar and I write those dates on it, as well as Dr's appointments, & other special events. I remind hubby to check the calendar occasionally. I don't expect him to remind me and I don't remind him.

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Vicki Cunningham
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just another reason I'll never get married again. Me and my dogs are as happy as can be!

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The Other Other White Meat
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My bf uses his Google calendar like a champ... and thank f**k, because he has a huge family and I have NO idea when the 50 birthdays/anniversaries/babies' events are supposed to happen, and whose 😂 I also enter important peoples' birthdays, etc. into my Google calendar, yearly reminder, day of event at 9 a.m. and between the two of us, we seem to have everyone covered.

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Bobby
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I stuck at dates too. That's why my wife and I do the shared calendar thing too. But I set my alerts to go off multiple times depending on what it is. A birthday? Week before and day of alerts

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ThisIsMe
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In addition to our digital calendars (where we send each other joint appointments, football schedule, concerts, vet appointments) I have a paper calendar in the kitchen with all the birthdays from his VERY LARGE family written in. I put up a fresh one each year. At some point I may say "don't forget your brother's birthday is Tuesday" but that's it - he is responsible for all that. Exception is Mother's Day. He has an awkward relationship with her, so I do actively remind to get her a card, point out little things he could get her that she would like, wrap for him. I don't do it because it is my job, I do it because I love him. But it is his responsibility to make those birthday calls or deliver the Mother's Day gift.

dc1 avatar
DC
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you two had agreed on this being your job, it would be. But, just because his parents had such an agreement, it isn't like inherited or so. You didn't agree to this being your job - then it isn't. That's, like, how sharing chores works ... by agreeing on something, acting as agreed upon, and eventually reviewing. Assumptions by his Mama don't obligate you.

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Amanda Taylor
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Isn't it sad that men don't realize that women literally create all the joyous moments in their lives? If it were left up to them, there would be any.

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Janine Randall
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Either I'm your wife or your mother. One you can have sex with, one you cannot. You choose.

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Bryn
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

These are red flags. You married a spouse, not a child.

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Livingwithcfs
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA honestly how old is he, does he also expect her to wipe his bum? Cause this is the age he's acting. MNL has failed in one area of parenting, that is teaching her children to look after themselves and that includes keeping a calendar. As for OP not know dates on his side of the family it's not uncommon, I have no idea of all the dates on his side.

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Meami
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This stuff does need to stop. I always had to buy my MILs bday and Christmas gifts but I made my husband buy his dad’s gifts. My SIL does not not do this for my BIL, and, consequently, my in-laws would get nothing from him. He finally started calling my MIL on her bday and Christmas before she died but the really sad part is that everyone blamed my SIL.

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Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am so glad I'm married to an actual adult. I send birthday cards to his sisters from ME, not us, because they are my friends. He has a pack of blank cards to send to people if he so wishes, but it's not my responsibility to remind him. I just make sure we've always got stamps. I'd also like to add that his adult children never bother to acknowledge his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. We used to send them each a $50 gift card for birthdays & Christmas and a few years back I'd had it. They have never been concerned with his feelings, so I asked him how long we were going to continue paying them to ignore him? That was a wake up for him & we haven't sent them anything (even cards) since. (Yes, they have our address, his email & cell phone #).

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NotTodaySatan!!
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband is much better at remembering these things than me. But if either of us send a text/call saying happy whatever it is implied it is from both of us. If the other remembers and makes their own text/call, great. If only one of us does, that's fine too.

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Chez2202
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a ridiculously good memory but I only remember around 40 birthdays of friends and family. My MIL has a calendar and reminds me of the rest on my partner’s side of the family. He remembers 2. Our daughter and one of his brother’s children who was born on his birthday. He asks me every August what date my birthday is (27 years together). He has no clue when my brother’s birthday is (day before mine). He didn’t know my father’s birthday (day before my brother’s). Some people are just really bad with dates. Then there are those of us with a good memory and half of the immediate family having birthdays one after the other 😂

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Rebel Peewee
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband just stepped into a managerial role at work. Sorry, If you can be responsible for X number of subordinates, being prepared for presentations, and hosting meetings, you can pick out a card and put it in the mail for your own mother or you cannot. It's a choice my big boy can make on his own. It's a choice his mother made to raise him to not care enough about her. Pretty much, it's not even my business.

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WishIWasAFlapperGirl
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Am I the only one that thinks they are equally at fault here?! Yes the husband should know when his families birthdays, anniversaries etc are, but the wife should too!!! She is a member of the family and in my opinion should know these things. I find it quite disrespectful that she doesn't!!! Not saying she should remind him of these things, maybe a hint or too nearer the date, but if he "forgets", that's on him!!!

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David Fox
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Imagine being in a relationship and your having to baby your significant other....

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Barbara Skolly
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So my mom's older family members all had a calendar on the back of the bathroom door (I am told this was a common Dutch thing). Every year someone would copy all the birthdays and anniversaries to the new year and while doing your business you could see what dates were coming up. I should probably do that. I had to remind my ex husband of his mom's bday a few weeks ago. I just happened to drop by with my kids for something and saw the cards on her counter. I quickly shot him a text, but more for her feelings than to save him.

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Shannon Donnelly
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If anyone has failed here, it's the MIL. She had a solid couple of decades to teach her son the importance of remembering important dates and how to celebrate days like birthdays and holidays. Father-in-law also failed if son doesn't know enough to get his mom a card and/or gift for mom for her birthday and Mother's Day. My dad NEVER failed to take my sister and I shopping every year from the time we could walk to get Mom birthday, Xmas, and Mother's Day gifts, and Mom did the same for all the other holidays for Dad and other family members. If men know exactly when a new video game is coming out, or the first day of opening season is w/out having to look it up, there's no excuse for not knowing your mom's birthday.

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Tim Nicebutdim
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What sort of an infant doesn't remember birthdays? For the ones I forget I have Calendar reminders.

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kath morgan
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I refuse to take responsibility for maintaining my husband’s relationships with his family and friends. Your wife is not your social secretary!

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CG
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I admit to struggle remembering certain important dates for family (aside from mine, my sister's, and my brother's), so that's why I use my cellphone to set calendar reminders to do so. If cellphones are not accessible, then you can always buy your own physical calendar if that is easier. If you can't be proactive when it comes to reminders, don't expect other people (especially your wife) to jump through hoops to accommodate you. NTA.

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Urbangirlatl
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yup. I remember all birthdays, organize Mother's Day (only HIS mom is still alive), send cards, do ALL the Christmas shopping, including my own gifts, and plan/coordinate/cook for the holidays. I will say I got the entire family on board with Amazon Wish Lists. Makes holiday shopping much easier, and you can include items that are NOT through Amazon. Of course I am the one to send reminders every year for everyone to update their list.

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Jessica SpeLangm
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While I agree that the son should remember (or put in a calendar with reminders) important family dates, I find it curious why the wife (OP) has no interest in knowing those same dates of important event for her in-laws. Does she not care about them at all? Frankly, I think the two of them aren't compatible.

mralt avatar
MR
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Given that they are family now, she probably should know these dates. And she probably should call/text or whatever to acknowledge them. And if that were what she was being called out for, then sure, that's her bad. BUT they're making it her responsibility to manage her husband. *Their* family member. Nope. That's not on her. Being a guy doesn't excuse the inability to work a calendar. Given how his family is managing the situation, she has every reason to die on this hill.

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Joshua David
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish I had a wife or partner to help me. I forget everything. By now I'm known for it and since I like 700 miles from my family, they forgive me.

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Doodles1983
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don’t think she is an AH. BUT. Men and women are different. Her solution is best and he hasn’t engaged with it. Women used to do this role as part of housewifeliness but with most working and being left to deal with household and kids. It should be shared workload. We are NOT MEANT to live life like this.

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mega smacky
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't care about your birthday. Or my birthday. If you're over the age of 20 and you expect birthday greetings, you're a child. I always take a moment on my birthday to remember my late Mom but otherwise, I don't need to hear about it from other people.

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Kyle D
Community Member
10 months ago

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I'd have to say a smidge of an AH, depending on how long she's been married. If newly married sure she wouldn't have known the important dates but to continue to say, "How would I know", if she's been married for awhile is the AH part. Why didn't she inquire as to when these dates were? Yeah, I get they aren't HER family members and if they indeed live on the other side of the country and she either never met them or never see them, but she DID marry into his family but yet, she never inquired as to the dates? I understand after the wedding the first thing people don't do is write down every sibling, parent, nephew, niece, aunt, uncle's birthdays & I agree it's not her JOB to remind him, but she evidently doesn't care just as much to not only keep up w/ the dates, but apparently to have never bothered to know them in the first place. The joint calendar was the perfect solution but he clearly doesn't care enough to even keep that up, Her being the AH is a minute fraction of his.

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Tammy
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her son has known his mother longer than his wife has known her. IJS.

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Ron Baza
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10 months ago

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This won’t be a popular opinion but it’s a hard YTA from me. She’s the wife, she should send cards. She should buy a stack of 20 cards. Ask him to write Happy Birthday in each of them with the relevant people’s names, and to put their address on the envelope. Leave them for a week. If he doesn’t sign then then it’s HER responsibility to write HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HUSBAND HAS HAD A FULL WEEK BUT COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO FILL THIS OUT. And no, that wasn’t an error, she should write in block capitals. If he can’t be bothered to write the mother’s address she should fill it out on the envelope. In those same block capitals (always worth emphasising that he hasn’t been bothered). Also on the envelope, just mark the top of each one ‘OPEN ON WHENEVER YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN 2023’, ‘ OPEN ON WHENEVER YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN 2024’, etc. Post them. Job done for the next 20 years.

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