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Every marriage has its ups and downs, but some rough patches hit like a full-on rollercoaster and leave people genuinely rattled. This Redditor learned that the hard way when his wife gave him an ultimatum: open the marriage or get a divorce. Not wanting to lose her, he agreed—reluctantly at first.
But once he started settling into the arrangement and even met someone new, his wife suddenly couldn’t handle it and demanded they close the relationship again. That sparked a whole new conflict, and it didn’t stop there. Before long, it became clear it was only the tip of the iceberg, with much more going on underneath the surface. Read the full story below.
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The woman gave her husband an ultimatum: open their marriage, or it’s over
Image credits: Prostock-studio (Not the actual photo)
He went along with it to keep the peace, but once he met someone new, she insisted they shut it down
Image credits: prostock-studio (Not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRARevolvingMar
Do open relationships work?
In the most classic sense, people usually picture marriage as choosing one person and building a life around that commitment. That’s the romantic idea, separate from the paperwork and practical perks like tax benefits. At the same time, modern relationships don’t always follow the same blueprint, and some couples genuinely want room for outside connections.
Whether people like that idea is one question. Whether it can actually function is another. And the story above is a pretty clear example of how it can go off the rails when the “agreement” is held together by pressure and unresolved resentment. But is every open setup doomed to turn into a mess?
The honest answer is: it depends, and the details matter a lot.
A research team at the University of Rochester that studies couples has argued that open relationships can work, but only under specific conditions. Their takeaway is simple: the more open and steady the communication is, the better the odds. In their view, the biggest threat isn’t outside physical encounters by themselves. It’s when things slide into secrecy, people stop being honest, and one partner starts feeling sidelined or replaced.
What’s useful about their work is that they didn’t treat all nonmonogamous relationships as the same. They analyzed 1,658 online questionnaires and separated people into different relationship “types,” including fully agreed-upon open relationships, partly open arrangements where the rules felt fuzzy, and situations where one person wanted exclusivity while the other quietly went outside the relationship.
The pattern was pretty consistent: couples who were genuinely on the same page, and who felt secure about what was happening, reported similar levels of relationship wellbeing to monogamous couples. The more one-sided and unclear the setup was, the worse people tended to feel. In the most lopsided group, a large share reported being unhappy with the relationship.
That lines up with what therapist John Kim, LMFT, wrote for Psychology Today. His argument is that an open relationship demands a very specific kind of emotional “capacity.”
It’s not enough to tolerate it. He says both people have to truly want it, and to be able to handle their partner being with someone else without turning it into a scoreboard or a punishment. He also points out something many couples don’t want to hear: if the relationship already has cracks, opening it usually widens them. It becomes a convenient escape from the hard conversations that needed to happen first.
Kim also warns about the part people love to dismiss as “won’t happen to us”: feelings. Even when the plan is “purely physical,” intimacy can blur many lines, and someone can end up emotionally invested. His advice is to be brutally honest about what you can handle, agree on rules that feel realistic, and revisit them before problems turn into lying.
Put those two sources together, and the picture is pretty clear. Open relationships can work when both partners freely choose it and treat the rules as a shared promise. When it starts with an ultimatum, turns into spying, or relies on selective honesty, it tends to rot the trust from the inside. And once trust goes, the format of the relationship is almost beside the point.
Image credits: EyeEm (Not the actual photo)
The author shared more details in the comments
Readers agreed the situation was messy
The author later came back with an update that brought new details to light
Image credits: freepik (Not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik (Not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRARevolvingMar
Readers responded with advice and words of support
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What do you think ?
Ben Aziza 14 hours ago
The comment spam is cus I was trying to write something, and it instantly gets suppressed. I have no idea what is even getting automatically flagged and suppressed... If the NKVD were still around, ohh how proud they would be of BP and the way they do things...
Kate Johnson 3 hours ago
I've had that happen to, no idea what's going on.
Load More Replies...
Trillian 11 hours ago
What exactly is a marriage? Aside from s****l exclusivity, which can be agreed upon, but they seem to be bartering about everything in a very transactional way. Sounds more like a job than a partnership. Also, SAHM to a 12 and 14 year old? Too lazy to work and not willing to give up her meal ticket.
Mark Stewart 12 hours ago
Well that makes a change that it's the wife wanting to open things up instead of the husband, ultimately ended the same way though it seems with the one that wanted to open up being bitter their partner had someone else and they didn't.
Ben Aziza 14 hours ago
The dude got trapped by a narcissist, the fact she lied to her daughters confirms that sickening conclusion.
Ace 7 hours ago
Not one of the characters in this story seems to understand what an open relationship is and what it is not. Right from the start it's failed, as he's not into it but lets his wife s***w around. She's cheating on him, as he really doesn't want her to be doing so. And of course what goes around comes around, and then sh'es not happy about it. And the other guy mentioned in the story is not in an open relationship either. I loved the quote "he's in an open marriage but his wife is unaware". No, he's just cheating too.
Kate Johnson 3 hours ago
Obviously the wife is quite low character and untrustworthy across the board. I would divorce her immediately and tell my children the whole truth of why this all occurred.
RomanceRadish 5 hours ago
This whole situation is very unfortunate and all I know is - please don't take off without letting the kids know your location and that you're still available to them, at least while they're still minors.
Ben Aziza 14 hours ago
The comment spam is cus I was trying to write something, and it instantly gets suppressed. I have no idea what is even getting automatically flagged and suppressed... If the NKVD were still around, ohh how proud they would be of BP and the way they do things...
Kate Johnson 3 hours ago
I've had that happen to, no idea what's going on.
Load More Replies... Trillian 11 hours ago
What exactly is a marriage? Aside from s****l exclusivity, which can be agreed upon, but they seem to be bartering about everything in a very transactional way. Sounds more like a job than a partnership. Also, SAHM to a 12 and 14 year old? Too lazy to work and not willing to give up her meal ticket.
Mark Stewart 12 hours ago
Well that makes a change that it's the wife wanting to open things up instead of the husband, ultimately ended the same way though it seems with the one that wanted to open up being bitter their partner had someone else and they didn't.
Ben Aziza 14 hours ago
The dude got trapped by a narcissist, the fact she lied to her daughters confirms that sickening conclusion.
Ace 7 hours ago
Not one of the characters in this story seems to understand what an open relationship is and what it is not. Right from the start it's failed, as he's not into it but lets his wife s***w around. She's cheating on him, as he really doesn't want her to be doing so. And of course what goes around comes around, and then sh'es not happy about it. And the other guy mentioned in the story is not in an open relationship either. I loved the quote "he's in an open marriage but his wife is unaware". No, he's just cheating too.
Kate Johnson 3 hours ago
Obviously the wife is quite low character and untrustworthy across the board. I would divorce her immediately and tell my children the whole truth of why this all occurred.
RomanceRadish 5 hours ago
This whole situation is very unfortunate and all I know is - please don't take off without letting the kids know your location and that you're still available to them, at least while they're still minors.
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