Man Can’t Accept Wife’s New Appearance But Refuses To Divorce Her If He Can’t Get Over It

It’s natural for partners to change and grow in a relationship. But what happens when your partner no longer resembles the person you fell in love with? Do you tell them the truth, pretend nothing’s changed, or try to find some kind of compromise?

That’s the dilemma one man faced a year ago, when he first shared his story on Reddit. He’d admitted he was no longer attracted to his wife after a series of cosmetic procedures dramatically changed her appearance. Despite still loving her deeply, he struggled to maintain their intimate relationship, and the couple eventually agreed to open their marriage. Now he’s back with two updates, including a new ultimatum from his wife. But the latest developments take their already painful situation in a more troubling direction.

A man turned to Reddit after his wife’s cosmetic surgeries left him struggling to feel attracted to her

wavebreakmedia_micro / magnific (not the actual photo)

After agreeing to an open marriage, he thought they’d found a way forward—but then his wife changed her mind

Dragana_Gordic / magnific (not the actual photo)

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The man opened up further in the comments, revealing more about his situation

A few weeks later, he made a painful decision, but then things took a turn

The Yuri Arcurs Collection / magnific (not the actual photo)

namii9 / magnific (not the actual photo)

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Can opening a marriage fix a relationship?

Open relationships might still be seen as a little on the unconventional side, but research suggests more Americans are coming around to the idea of consensual nonmonogamy. In this case, on the surface at least, opening the marriage looked like a good compromise. The man got to stay with the woman he loved, and she could still get her physical needs met.

Still, opening a marriage isn’t always the solution to a couple’s problems. In fact, experts warn that although an open relationship can be rewarding, it’s better to resolve any underlying issues in the primary relationship first, rather than using nonmonogamy to sidestep them.

For the poster’s wife, however, a year of dating other men seemed to clarify what she wanted: to feel desired by her husband again. She told him she wanted to close their marriage, giving him a choice between resuming their intimate life and getting a divorce.

But the ultimatum didn’t address the reason they had opened their marriage in the first place. As the poster explained, his wife’s cosmetic procedures had changed how he saw her, leaving him unable to feel the attraction he once had. “She doesn’t look or feel like my wife anymore and I can’t do it,” he wrote, recalling what he told her. And, in fact, the poster’s update suggested that their marital problems were only part of a much bigger issue.

He believed his wife’s distress over her appearance and determination to undergo further cosmetic procedures pointed to something deeper. As he put it, “She’s not seeing this is a mental problem not a physical one.”

When the problem goes deeper than appearance

One condition that may be relevant here is body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). The Mayo Clinic describes it as “a mental health condition in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance—a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others.”

It’s different from the insecurities we might all feel about certain features from time to time. As Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP, writing for Verywell Mind, explains, BDD involves persistent, intrusive thoughts that cause significant distress and can interfere with daily life.

The condition can also affect how people try to address their perceived flaws. Clarke lists behaviors such as using excessive makeup, emphasizing other body parts or physical traits to draw attention away from a disliked feature, and seeking cosmetic surgery or other procedures. These behaviors alone don’t indicate BDD, but they can become part of a wider pattern of preoccupation with appearance.

For some people, cosmetic procedures may not bring the relief they hoped for. Researchers have found that people with BDD may seek multiple interventions, sometimes on the same body part, yet remain dissatisfied with the results. Others also note that they may remain unhappy with surgical outcomes regardless of the quality of the procedure, or pursue further interventions that worsen their distress. Any relief is often temporary, since, as The Plastic Surgery Clinic explains, cosmetic procedures can’t resolve the distress driving the decisions. Surgery, they explain, is “not a cure for underlying health concerns.”

While there’s no way to know whether the poster’s wife has BDD, his update suggests that her distress over her appearance has been escalating. She had already had her lips refilled and more Botox, and after her brother compared her to a woman who had attracted cruel comments online, she now wants to make her lips even bigger to avoid the comparison.

So, what can you do if someone close to you seems increasingly unhappy with how they look? Mental health charity Mind suggests acknowledging their feelings rather than brushing off their concerns, and finding ways to show appreciation that have nothing to do with their appearance. If their worries are causing significant distress or interfering with daily life, encouraging them to seek professional help may also be worthwhile.

That may be easier said than done, though. As Clarke explains, “it’s very common for those with BDD to believe that psychiatric treatment is not an adequate solution to their concerns.” They see the problem as physical rather than psychological, and they “want their physical ‘problem’ addressed. They want the perceived flaw to be fixed, transformed, or removed,” she says.

The poster said his wife wasn’t listening to him or the people closest to her, leaving him at a loss about how to help. He also admitted to having his own dark thoughts, revealing how deeply the situation had affected him. He still loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her. But love alone can’t fix everything, and he needs support, too.

The update left many people concerned for both the poster and his wife

“You tried everything, brother. More than most”: Many commenters showed their support

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