UK Council Decides Parks Are Too Free

There is a large patch of grass in Bristol called the Downs.

It is grass. You look at it, your brain says “yes, this is grass.” Naturally, it is now being treated like a premium conference venue.

The council is planning to charge outdoor fitness instructors hefty fees to use the Downs. Not to dig. Not to install lighting. Not to summon a trampoline. Just… to exist on it professionally.

– Running? Fine. 👌

– Rolling? Fine. 👍

– Standing confused? Fine. 🙂‍↕️

– Standing confidently while other people do lunges? Absolutely not. 🚫❌

Once money changes hands between humans, the grass apparently notices and becomes commercial grass. Different breed. Emotionally complex.

This isn’t about building a fence. Or laying turf. Or maintaining anything you could point at. This is about the concept of organised movement. We’re told this is about “managing space”, which is impressive because the Downs is massive, open, and has successfully survived centuries without a booking system. But now it requires regulation, because several people are simultaneously sweating.

What’s quietly being ignored is that these groups don’t take from the park. They animate it. They make it busy. Observable. Slightly loud. Alive.

Neighbours notice. Runners notice. Especially women, who tend to notice when a park feels active rather than deserted, people on it rather than empty, human rather than “I will phone someone just in case”. Turns out people doing squats are very good at security. Who knew. But apparently this vibrant, occupied, community-energy version of the park is the real threat.

Supporters say it’s about fairness. Which makes sense, because nothing screams fair like charging people to use a public park while everyone else continues to use it for free — just less synchronised.

– A man throwing a frisbee? ✅

– A person walking a dog? ✅

– A group creating a visible, welcoming presence? ⚠️

– A person shouting “10 MORE SQUATS!”? 🚨 INVOICE THEM

The wildest part is the implication that these groups are somehow ruining the park. As if grass’s natural enemy has always been burpees.

👎Not cars.

👎Not pollution.

👎Not all the football matches being played every weekend

🤦‍♀️Just people in leggings being slightly too motivated before 9am.

If this continues, expect phase two:

– Walking in pairs: permitted.

– Walking in threes: suspicious.

– Walking in formation: licensed.

– Smiling while walking: reviewed quarterly.

All of this, applied to a public park 🌱. A thing we already own. Together.

It’s a beautiful example of how Britain handles public good:

– Create it ✅

– Encourage people to use it ✅

– Then panic once they do and quietly ask for a fee 🤑

It looks like for the supporters of this “initiative”, nothing says community wellbeing like a PDF, an invoice, and a sudden mistrust of positivity🌳. And if you’re wondering why people are mocking this decision instead of respecting it, congratulations. You understand exactly why Absurd Society exists.

Because sometimes the only logical response to living in Britain is to stare at the madness, laugh quietly… and write about it.

More info: absurdsociety.fun

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The Downs in Bristol

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