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64 Two-Sentence Jokes That Get Straight To The Funny Part
Comedy fans know that you can deliver a punchline in different ways. You can tell it as a story to keep listeners entertained, or you can cut the fat and get straight to the point.
Neither approach is wrong, but today we’re focusing on the latter. The following posts are from the Two Sentence Comedy subreddit, where people skip the preamble and get straight to the point.
If you enjoy punchy, quick-witted comedy, you will likely enjoy scrolling through this list. You may even want to steal one or two to use as an icebreaker.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Yesterday I purchased a world map... gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
RELATED:
#2
I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the company I worked for not only supported my transition from male to female, but they actually encouraged it.
It wasn't until after that I learned it allowed them to reduce my salary by 16%.
#3
Since I went blind a few years ago, random people love to walk up to my sighted friends while they’re guiding me and whisper, “is she blind?’’
I like to whisper back, in a very serious manner, “no… I’m deaf.’’.
We laugh when we hear or see something funny, like these posts from Two Sentence Comedy. But many of us likely know less about laughter than we think.
Scientist and former Harvard professor Dr. William A. Haseltine recently wrote an insightful piece titled The Purpose of Laughter, arguing that chuckles and giggles are more than reactions to humor.
#4
When my wife is upset I always let her color in my black and white tattoos
Sometimes she really needs a shoulder to crayon.
#5
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions."
"Why can't you just say good morning to me like a normal person, Dad?"
#6
My girlfriend just said, "If you don't get off Reddit and spend some time with me I'll drag your face across the darn keyboard."
I wish the woman would tryyy qawssrr ffyghuujk kkjxgv bjfv byyvng hhfvb brhbf gjiikbn mnm.
Dr. Haseltine pointed out that laughter is a sound older than speech. He said it’s similar to how animals produce “play sounds” to signal friendliness and prevent rough play.
“Spontaneous laughter is the kind that bursts out during play, delight, embarrassment, or contagion. Someone else laughs, and the sound pulls us along,” Dr. Haseltine noted.
#7
I bought a thesaurus yesterday, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
#8
After I was kidnapped, higher and higher ransoms were offered
No matter how much the kidnappers offered, my parents wouldn't take me back.
#9
I asked our server "Can we see the menu please?"
He scoffed and said "The men I please is none of you business."
Incongruity brings out the funny in something. Any mismatch between expectation and reality can make you laugh, which is why something as simple as a well-placed pun can draw amusement.
However, there are limits. As retired psychology professor Dr. Rod Martin points out, incongruity must not present an actual threat to become acceptably funny.
#10
Do you know how you can tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
Just by looking and seeing that one of them is not an elephant.
#11
Every night it's the same "there's a monster under my bed/there's a monster on top of my bed."
I was seriously regretting getting my kids bunk beds.
#12
Dressed in robes I walked into the darkness, raised my arms and bellowed 'RISE, MY DARK MINION!'
My son did not appreciate being woken up that way.
"There could be things that are incongruous, but they aren't funny. Someone walking down the sidewalk and being hit by a car is incongruous, but not funny,” Dr. Martin said in an interview with the American Psychological Association.
Regarding punchlines, Dr. Martin also noted that they are meant to reinforce the incongruity, not resolve it.
#13
My wife was visibly shaken as she combed through the infestation in our child's hair
She had that dear in the head lice look.
#15
The siblings dug for weeks because their dad's dying confession was that he'd buried a fortune in the backyard.
After a year or so, they finally found a note: "Finally got you all to get off your darn phones."
Comedy comes in different forms, but the most relatable ones touch on the mundanities of life. According to social psychologist and academic Dara Greenwood, that’s one reason improv comedy works so well.
"Improv comedy humor works by exploring the comedic potential in everyday situations. They subvert what we normally think of a situation by taking a silly perspective that exposes how rigid we are,” she explained.
#16
Maybe the two "E's" in "bee" are silent. I think about this a lot.
#17
You once told me the Oxford comma was always superfluous.
I kept that in mind when I was having lunch with two adult entertainers, your mother and your grandmother.
#18
The skinwalker copied his appearance perfectly to fool his family.
His wife noticed immediately because he'd never offered to do the dishes before.
As you’ve seen in the following posts, you don’t need an elaborate setup to land a funny joke. Some people even prefer punchier wisecracks that are easy to digest and get an immediate laugh.
If you’re one of those folks, which of these made you laugh the most? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
#19
I bumped into my old school French teacher yesterday, she asked how I've been all these years
I said I like to go to the cinema with my brother and I live in a house with four windows.
#20
"I'm afraid I have bad news," said the doctor.
"You're going to diet."
#21
I refused the wagyu beef after learning how the cows were pampered by receiving massages and being fed beer.
I just couldn't bring myself to eat such spoiled meat.
#22
I always clean off my plate no matter how full I am.
I have no problem with letting food go to waist.
#24
I am sick and tired of this stupid stereotype that us Irish people are all raging alcoholics
And the minute my hangover is gone, I will give a compelling argument to further my case.
#25
The cursed prince could only be saved by true love's kiss, and so thirty-seven princesses tried.
In the end, it was the stable boy's kiss that broke the curse, and all everyone could do was act all surprised.
#26
I could see the look of horror pass over my boyfriend's face as I slid the knife in
He had managed to undercook the chicken yet again.
#27
If I fall asleep again at work my boss said i’d get fired
Then he assigned me to doing the sheep inventory.
#28
My father told me, "I'll give you something to cry about."
He then handed me a copy of the movie "Old Yeller".
#29
"Your sister will survive, but only if you give her your liver" said my mother.
"Fine by me, I hate the stuff" I said, shovelling it onto her plate.
#30
My golden retriever chewed up my shoes so badly I had to bring them to a cobbler for repairs.
When I picked them up he said, "May dog have mercy on your sole."
#31
My wife was furious when she walked in on me beating our daughter
It's my daughters own fault for challenging me to a game of monopoly.
#32
The demon pointed at my belly, swollen with twins, and cackled, “I’ll take one of the little ones inside you as payment for our deal.”
So I sold him a single gut bacterium for a million dollars and wished it luck in eternal hellfire.
#33
“You will be gone in seven days,” hissed the voice on the phone.
“So now would be an excellent time to discuss upgrading your life insurance with Prudential...”
#34
Patient: "I'm here for the scheduled ultrasound that my gynecologist ordered because I'm 6 months pregnant"
Receptionist: "If you could give us a sample for the pregnancy test, I'll hand you this cup and the restroom is over there".
#35
Penelope from Homer's Odyssey really had 108 suitors trying to get with her only to get access to the throne.
Nobody loved her.
#36
My sister's boyfriend told her she "almost looked like a man" in her suit.
She said the same to him.
#37
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," she sneered.
"Joke's on you, this is aluminium oxynitride," I laugh, as the rock bounces off my house and hits her right back in her stupid head.
#38
"No one has ever tried to sell their soul to me before," said God.
"I already offered it to the Devil, but I hoped maybe I could get a better deal from you."
#39
My friend told me not to let one disgruntled customer get me down.
"Everyone knows you're the best copper merchant in Ur!"
#40
I hugged my brother one final time as the gas surrounded us.
Hey, it's not my fault that I have a phobia of fog machines.
#41
"Just let me beat this boss first!" I shouted after I got caught playing games at work.
After punching Mr. Johnson in the face, I sat back down, put my headphones back on and said "sorry bout that, I'm back now".
#43
When my little sister clawed at her throat and gasped for breath, I started googling frenetically.
She still persisted after I shoved the Wikipedia page in her face and said, “It says here that peanuts aren’t nuts; they are legumes.”
#44
LPT: If you're in the woods and get attacked by a bear, pretend to be gone.
It'll be great practice for when you're gone a few minutes later.
#45
I had no idea why my boss and co workers kept trying not to laugh during our zoom meeting
After the meeting ended I turned around to see that my four year old daughter had included my adult toy as one of the guests at her dolls dinner party.
#46
I already lost 10 pounds since I started training fencing
Now, if I can only get my other arm cut off...
#47
I asked my wife why she hadn’t touched alcohol ever since the birth of our twins 6 years ago.
"Because ever since you started drinking you've been referring to my implants as "our twins" ".
#48
“Solve my riddle: what has feathers, fangs, is larger than a mountain but lighter than a mouse, crumbles under your fingertip but can end you with a word?” the sphinx said.
“Your momma.”
#49
There I was, watching my business go down the drain.
Who puts a heater in an ice cream factory?
#50
"I beg your pardon" said the hearing impaired criminal after the king sentenced him to life in prison.
The king responded - "No darn way."
#51
"Wow," I said to my new friend I just made, "these potato chips are out of this world!
"That's because I am a alien," he replied, and then his skin turned green and his head got real big.
#52
"If word gets out that I've invented a time machine," said the scientist, "someone might try to use it to go back to World War II and end rulers."
The lab assistant responded with, "Who?"
Phantom Phoenix 7 hours ago
Without BP's censoring decision to change "k¡II H¡tIer" to "end rulers" this joke actually would make sense... so it had to be censored to fit in with the rest of this listicle
#53
I didn’t want to hear the words coming out of her mouth, “I’m sorry Sir but your daughter didn’t make it”.
I picked up her picture and whispered, with tears in my eyes, “ok maybe I helped with some of the finer details but she did do some of the drawing”.
#54
I would never date a girl with an adult entertainment profile
She’s attractive, confident, making decent money, whilst I bring nothing to the table.
#55
They said ending a French vampire was simple, one just has to stab a baguette through its heart.
But as it turns out it’s actually a painstaking endeavor.
#56
My parents bought my twin sister a first class ticket for her dream holiday, but they told me if I wanted to go then I would have to pay for myself
The only problem is that we are siamese twins and I have no choice but to go.
#57
My girlfriend just confessed me that she has powers to make people forget
Lmao there is no way I wrote that.
#58
“We’ve got no choice but to sell you to pay our debts.” My parents coldly informed me.
As I petitely looked up at my new owners, I recognized them as the boyband whose posters my sister had on her wall.
#59
Today my ex texted, “c u in Hell, jerk!!!”
I figured ending my ex last week meant an eternity in Hell, but it's a bummer knowing she’ll be there too.
#60
"For sale: Baby shoes, never worn."
Why the supermarket thought they were a suitable substitute for cornflakes is something I will never know.
#61
It was my lucky day when the company said I could keep the extra pairs of baby shoes they shipped in error.
Better still, when I decided to sell them, I found that I could save a ton of money if I shortened my ad to just six words.
#63
When I turned ten, Grandma gave me a framed embroidery that read, "Jesus gave his life for your sins."
She got pretty mad when I said, "No, he's outside mowing the lawn."
#64
I scoffed at their name-calling for it caused me no harm.
I trembled when they started singing "Come Sail Away" and "Paint It Black".
What do you think ?
Balseraph 12 hours ago
I've never said this before, but I hope these posts were selected by a machine-learning tool rather than a human. Because if a human picked these, they may be eligible for surgery to have a sense of humour implanted.
WindySwede 11 hours ago
bp is falling to crumbles, and not the good kind, the kind you sweep into the compost. Sorry.
Load More Replies...
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 3 hours ago
Started out fairly well and then crashed in a bigly way, a very bigly way.
Balseraph 12 hours ago
I've never said this before, but I hope these posts were selected by a machine-learning tool rather than a human. Because if a human picked these, they may be eligible for surgery to have a sense of humour implanted.
WindySwede 11 hours ago
bp is falling to crumbles, and not the good kind, the kind you sweep into the compost. Sorry.
Load More Replies... Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 3 hours ago
Started out fairly well and then crashed in a bigly way, a very bigly way.
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