Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
As transgender people become increasingly visible in the media and in community life across several societies, more and more transgender folks are able to name and understand their own experiences and may feel safer sharing them with others.
One guy whose wife of 5 years came out as trans left him on the back foot, though. Devastated he’s going to lose the person he had hopes of starting a family with, he’s turned to a community of netizens seeking advice.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
The trans movement has come a long way recently, but this guy was left speechless when his wife came out as trans after 5 years of marriage
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When she came out as gender fluid earlier this year, he accepted all the small changes, like what she wore, her short hair, and her lack of makeup
Image credits: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Things took a surprising turn, though, when she came out as trans to her parents and the rest of her family a few months back
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Now struggling with gender dysphoria, his wife let him know that he’ll be transitioning in the coming years, with all that comes along with it
Image credits: TheTinySpoon
While the 100% straight guy hates the idea of separation, he feels it’s inevitable and has since turned to netizens for advice and support
When OP got married, everything felt right. He and his wife laughed together, made plans, and dreamed of having kids. Then, earlier this year, his wife came out as gender fluid. He supported the subtle changes: clothes, voice, even the haircut he quietly missed. It was bittersweet, but he still saw the woman he married and loved deeply.
A few months later, they came out again, this time as transgender. OP learned about their decision in real-time, on speakerphone. Surprised, he asked about the shift. They explained, “It falls under the same umbrella.” Unsure what that really meant, he chose to support them anyway. Inside, though, he started to feel something slipping away.
Recently, his partner told him he planned to transition. Hormones. Surgery. A different body. The life they built would change, but even more painful was what wouldn’t happen now, like having kids. OP listened, heartbroken. The woman he’d married was already fading. What was left was someone he loved but couldn’t recognize.
OP says he’s 100% straight. He’s tried so hard to keep up, to love through every shift, but it’s not just the look; it’s the essence of the person he married. “I feel like she’s gone,” he wrote in his post. And that hurts in ways OP can’t explain.
They share a mortgage, pets, and daily life, but now they also share tears: OP’s upstairs in the office; his partner’s downstairs on the couch. No screaming, no fights. Just sadness. Love still exists, but so does distance. And sometimes, love isn’t enough to bridge the gap between the person you were with and the person they’re becoming.
Image credits: Malachi Cowie / Pexels (not the actual photo)
From what OP tells the community in his post, both he and his trans wife are facing noteworthy challenges. Their romantic relationship might need to end, and what remains will have to be forged into a friendship, which might be difficult at first. So, what can OP do to start dealing with this upheaval? We went looking for answers.
In her article for Psychology Today, Pamela D. Garcy (Ph.D.) writes that transgender individuals face a unique set of pervasive challenges related to their visibility and dignity, and those who are undergoing a gender-affirmative transition within a marriage may find that this challenge extends to their significant other.
The TransHub website says partners of trans and gender-diverse people offer a powerful form of allyship. As a partner, you hold an intimate insight into someone’s life, their body, their well-being, their future hopes, and plans. With this intimacy comes a responsibility to affirm, hear, and support your person.
Being an ally doesn’t mean always getting it 100% right, either. It does, however, mean knowing when to stop and apologize, how to self-educate so mistakes are less common, and how to listen and learn from those you are an ally to.
So, while OP’s marriage might seem doomed, not all is lost. There’s still room for their relationship to transform into a one-of-a-kind friendship.
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think there’s any hope for their marriage, or should they start discussing separation? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, most readers agreed there was no hope for the marriage and urged the guy to move on as soon as possible
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 7 months ago
OP is open, honest, and sincere. He is cisgender and heterosexual; no one can (or should!) try to force him to change that, not even his spouse. I know of couples who have stayed married through the transition of one partner (also see the recent "Pics That Show How Time Changed People But Not Their Love For Each Other" BP post for examples of this!) and I also have a very dear friend who transitioned from male to female a few years ago, and her marriage did not survive, even though her wife tried to make a go of it (they had just recently had a child together.) But my friend should not have NOT transitioned just to keep her wife happy, either - it's so very very situational and personal. There's no "bad guy" here. There's no a-hole here. Sometimes you CAN lose "the woman you married" and discover you still truly love "the person you married" regardless of their gender. Sometimes it's insurmountable. OP should probably talk to a counsellor/therapist who has experience in this :(
Becca not Becky 7 months ago (edited)
NAH. As the other commenters said, OP is straight, and spouse is changing. They're both clearly sad but they're just not compatible anymore. This whole thing hurts, but I hope they can split amicably and find joy in their lives. OP with someone he loves, and spouse for living their authentic self.
Wang Zhuang 7 months ago
My heart goes out to OP, that's a really tough situation to be in. Bottom line, I agree with most of the commenters; he's straight, and he married a transman, so the marriage is over.
Lukas (he/him, it/its) 7 months ago
As a transgender person, nobody is in the wrong here. Not the husband, not the "wife" discovering his gender. I truly hope things work out. Love doesn't have to be romantic, and there are many ways to love somebody even if their marriage doesn't work out. I wish the best of luck to both of them.
Jaya 7 months ago
Nobody is to blame, it's just a sad fact of life that they may end up not being compatible in the long run, if OP is straight and OP's partner is a trans man. But don't make hasty decisions, I personally know multiple couples where 1 person came out as trans and transitioned, and the partner is 100% straight (or 100% gay) and in the beginning thought they could never stay together, but they actually end up staying happily married after they had time to adjust. There are support groups for partners of trans people, where people can talk about all those fears and emotions, that can really help.
JayWantsACat 7 months ago
NAH. It's a much bigger change but, to me, this is similar to if you got married under the agreement that you adamantly would, or would not, have kids and your spouse changes they mind. They fundamentally changed from who they were when you got together. People change, sometimes in drastic ways. Both these people deserve to be happy and that's probably means not being together. And that's okay.
Tinker Gnome 7 months ago
Went through this myself, my husband decided they needed to transition to become a woman. I dealt with it for a couple of years but couldn't any longer - we divorced and we both moved on. They eventually found a man who could love them for who they really are, got married and last I knew, were happy and I found someone new too. That was 10 years ago, now I'm in a poly relationship and have the love of 3 different men, one of those being my husband. Life can take you through some crazy things.
Jaya 7 months ago
Some straight people stay with their partner. Some trans people end up looking only slightly more masculine. Or their partner sees that they still have that gorgeous smile that made them fall in love. Or they discover they're still attracted to the male version of their partner, despite never being attracted to other men. Or they discover that their partner's personality is more important to them then their gender, that physical attraction isn't super important to them. Similar in a way to when people stay together after 1 of them ends up looking "disfigured" after a fire, and the partner is no longer attracted to them but wants to stay together anyway. Yes, that is different, because transitioning is technically a choice, but asking someone to stay in the wrong body when they you have strong dysphoria, is not a choice that is reasonable to demand. Not being who you are and feeling really unhappy in your body, istoo high a price to pay to stay in a relationship.
Kat 6 months ago
it is not the person he fell in love with anymore...and sure, if you are in longterm relationship, your partner is going to change over the time and you will too...unfortunately there are some changes we are not able to accept...at this point, I feel like it is better to separate....OP will not be happy with this person he don´t recognize anymore and also his partner should not be forced to be someone they don´t want to be, just to make OP happy
Rick Seiden 6 months ago
It's possible for OP to remain supportive, both emotionally and financially, to his spouse, but still get a divorce. Ending the marriage doesn't have to end the friendship or the non-romantic love they still feel for each other. On a side note, the spouse in this story needs to not only get hormone therapy, but some therapy from someone specializing in gender dysphoria. Not because gender dysphoria is a disorder, but because transitioning is difficult and he will need support that OP can't give because OP doesn't understand what he is going through.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 7 months ago
OP is open, honest, and sincere. He is cisgender and heterosexual; no one can (or should!) try to force him to change that, not even his spouse. I know of couples who have stayed married through the transition of one partner (also see the recent "Pics That Show How Time Changed People But Not Their Love For Each Other" BP post for examples of this!) and I also have a very dear friend who transitioned from male to female a few years ago, and her marriage did not survive, even though her wife tried to make a go of it (they had just recently had a child together.) But my friend should not have NOT transitioned just to keep her wife happy, either - it's so very very situational and personal. There's no "bad guy" here. There's no a-hole here. Sometimes you CAN lose "the woman you married" and discover you still truly love "the person you married" regardless of their gender. Sometimes it's insurmountable. OP should probably talk to a counsellor/therapist who has experience in this :(
Becca not Becky 7 months ago (edited)
NAH. As the other commenters said, OP is straight, and spouse is changing. They're both clearly sad but they're just not compatible anymore. This whole thing hurts, but I hope they can split amicably and find joy in their lives. OP with someone he loves, and spouse for living their authentic self.
Wang Zhuang 7 months ago
My heart goes out to OP, that's a really tough situation to be in. Bottom line, I agree with most of the commenters; he's straight, and he married a transman, so the marriage is over.
Lukas (he/him, it/its) 7 months ago
As a transgender person, nobody is in the wrong here. Not the husband, not the "wife" discovering his gender. I truly hope things work out. Love doesn't have to be romantic, and there are many ways to love somebody even if their marriage doesn't work out. I wish the best of luck to both of them.
Jaya 7 months ago
Nobody is to blame, it's just a sad fact of life that they may end up not being compatible in the long run, if OP is straight and OP's partner is a trans man. But don't make hasty decisions, I personally know multiple couples where 1 person came out as trans and transitioned, and the partner is 100% straight (or 100% gay) and in the beginning thought they could never stay together, but they actually end up staying happily married after they had time to adjust. There are support groups for partners of trans people, where people can talk about all those fears and emotions, that can really help.
JayWantsACat 7 months ago
NAH. It's a much bigger change but, to me, this is similar to if you got married under the agreement that you adamantly would, or would not, have kids and your spouse changes they mind. They fundamentally changed from who they were when you got together. People change, sometimes in drastic ways. Both these people deserve to be happy and that's probably means not being together. And that's okay.
Tinker Gnome 7 months ago
Went through this myself, my husband decided they needed to transition to become a woman. I dealt with it for a couple of years but couldn't any longer - we divorced and we both moved on. They eventually found a man who could love them for who they really are, got married and last I knew, were happy and I found someone new too. That was 10 years ago, now I'm in a poly relationship and have the love of 3 different men, one of those being my husband. Life can take you through some crazy things.
Jaya 7 months ago
Some straight people stay with their partner. Some trans people end up looking only slightly more masculine. Or their partner sees that they still have that gorgeous smile that made them fall in love. Or they discover they're still attracted to the male version of their partner, despite never being attracted to other men. Or they discover that their partner's personality is more important to them then their gender, that physical attraction isn't super important to them. Similar in a way to when people stay together after 1 of them ends up looking "disfigured" after a fire, and the partner is no longer attracted to them but wants to stay together anyway. Yes, that is different, because transitioning is technically a choice, but asking someone to stay in the wrong body when they you have strong dysphoria, is not a choice that is reasonable to demand. Not being who you are and feeling really unhappy in your body, istoo high a price to pay to stay in a relationship.
Kat 6 months ago
it is not the person he fell in love with anymore...and sure, if you are in longterm relationship, your partner is going to change over the time and you will too...unfortunately there are some changes we are not able to accept...at this point, I feel like it is better to separate....OP will not be happy with this person he don´t recognize anymore and also his partner should not be forced to be someone they don´t want to be, just to make OP happy
Rick Seiden 6 months ago
It's possible for OP to remain supportive, both emotionally and financially, to his spouse, but still get a divorce. Ending the marriage doesn't have to end the friendship or the non-romantic love they still feel for each other. On a side note, the spouse in this story needs to not only get hormone therapy, but some therapy from someone specializing in gender dysphoria. Not because gender dysphoria is a disorder, but because transitioning is difficult and he will need support that OP can't give because OP doesn't understand what he is going through.
You May Like 97 Pride Month Quotes From Fabulous LGBTQ+ Activists And Allies Americans Shared 33 Things Other People Need To Know About What’s Going On In The US
Natallia Pisarenka
Rugilė Žemaitytė
Related on Bored Panda
18
29