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As transgender people become increasingly visible in the media and in community life across several societies, more and more transgender folks are able to name and understand their own experiences and may feel safer sharing them with others.
One guy whose wife of 5 years came out as trans left him on the back foot, though. Devastated he’s going to lose the person he had hopes of starting a family with, he’s turned to a community of netizens seeking advice.
More info: Reddit
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The trans movement has come a long way recently, but this guy was left speechless when his wife came out as trans after 5 years of marriage
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When she came out as gender fluid earlier this year, he accepted all the small changes, like what she wore, her short hair, and her lack of makeup
Image credits: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Things took a surprising turn, though, when she came out as trans to her parents and the rest of her family a few months back
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Now struggling with gender dysphoria, his wife let him know that he’ll be transitioning in the coming years, with all that comes along with it
Image credits: TheTinySpoon
While the 100% straight guy hates the idea of separation, he feels it’s inevitable and has since turned to netizens for advice and support
When OP got married, everything felt right. He and his wife laughed together, made plans, and dreamed of having kids. Then, earlier this year, his wife came out as gender fluid. He supported the subtle changes: clothes, voice, even the haircut he quietly missed. It was bittersweet, but he still saw the woman he married and loved deeply.
A few months later, they came out again, this time as transgender. OP learned about their decision in real-time, on speakerphone. Surprised, he asked about the shift. They explained, “It falls under the same umbrella.” Unsure what that really meant, he chose to support them anyway. Inside, though, he started to feel something slipping away.
Recently, his partner told him he planned to transition. Hormones. Surgery. A different body. The life they built would change, but even more painful was what wouldn’t happen now, like having kids. OP listened, heartbroken. The woman he’d married was already fading. What was left was someone he loved but couldn’t recognize.
OP says he’s 100% straight. He’s tried so hard to keep up, to love through every shift, but it’s not just the look; it’s the essence of the person he married. “I feel like she’s gone,” he wrote in his post. And that hurts in ways OP can’t explain.
They share a mortgage, pets, and daily life, but now they also share tears: OP’s upstairs in the office; his partner’s downstairs on the couch. No screaming, no fights. Just sadness. Love still exists, but so does distance. And sometimes, love isn’t enough to bridge the gap between the person you were with and the person they’re becoming.
Image credits: Malachi Cowie / Pexels (not the actual photo)
From what OP tells the community in his post, both he and his trans wife are facing noteworthy challenges. Their romantic relationship might need to end, and what remains will have to be forged into a friendship, which might be difficult at first. So, what can OP do to start dealing with this upheaval? We went looking for answers.
In her article for Psychology Today, Pamela D. Garcy (Ph.D.) writes that transgender individuals face a unique set of pervasive challenges related to their visibility and dignity, and those who are undergoing a gender-affirmative transition within a marriage may find that this challenge extends to their significant other.
The TransHub website says partners of trans and gender-diverse people offer a powerful form of allyship. As a partner, you hold an intimate insight into someone’s life, their body, their well-being, their future hopes, and plans. With this intimacy comes a responsibility to affirm, hear, and support your person.
Being an ally doesn’t mean always getting it 100% right, either. It does, however, mean knowing when to stop and apologize, how to self-educate so mistakes are less common, and how to listen and learn from those you are an ally to.
So, while OP’s marriage might seem doomed, not all is lost. There’s still room for their relationship to transform into a one-of-a-kind friendship.
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think there’s any hope for their marriage, or should they start discussing separation? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, most readers agreed there was no hope for the marriage and urged the guy to move on as soon as possible
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 months ago
OP is open, honest, and sincere. He is cisgender and heterosexual; no one can (or should!) try to force him to change that, not even his spouse. I know of couples who have stayed married through the transition of one partner (also see the recent "Pics That Show How Time Changed People But Not Their Love For Each Other" BP post for examples of this!) and I also have a very dear friend who transitioned from male to female a few years ago, and her marriage did not survive, even though her wife tried to make a go of it (they had just recently had a child together.) But my friend should not have NOT transitioned just to keep her wife happy, either - it's so very very situational and personal. There's no "bad guy" here. There's no a-hole here. Sometimes you CAN lose "the woman you married" and discover you still truly love "the person you married" regardless of their gender. Sometimes it's insurmountable. OP should probably talk to a counsellor/therapist who has experience in this :(
Becca not Becky 6 months ago (edited)
NAH. As the other commenters said, OP is straight, and spouse is changing. They're both clearly sad but they're just not compatible anymore. This whole thing hurts, but I hope they can split amicably and find joy in their lives. OP with someone he loves, and spouse for living their authentic self.
Wang Zhuang 6 months ago
My heart goes out to OP, that's a really tough situation to be in. Bottom line, I agree with most of the commenters; he's straight, and he married a transman, so the marriage is over.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 months ago
OP is open, honest, and sincere. He is cisgender and heterosexual; no one can (or should!) try to force him to change that, not even his spouse. I know of couples who have stayed married through the transition of one partner (also see the recent "Pics That Show How Time Changed People But Not Their Love For Each Other" BP post for examples of this!) and I also have a very dear friend who transitioned from male to female a few years ago, and her marriage did not survive, even though her wife tried to make a go of it (they had just recently had a child together.) But my friend should not have NOT transitioned just to keep her wife happy, either - it's so very very situational and personal. There's no "bad guy" here. There's no a-hole here. Sometimes you CAN lose "the woman you married" and discover you still truly love "the person you married" regardless of their gender. Sometimes it's insurmountable. OP should probably talk to a counsellor/therapist who has experience in this :(
Becca not Becky 6 months ago (edited)
NAH. As the other commenters said, OP is straight, and spouse is changing. They're both clearly sad but they're just not compatible anymore. This whole thing hurts, but I hope they can split amicably and find joy in their lives. OP with someone he loves, and spouse for living their authentic self.
Wang Zhuang 6 months ago
My heart goes out to OP, that's a really tough situation to be in. Bottom line, I agree with most of the commenters; he's straight, and he married a transman, so the marriage is over.
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