Man Opens Up About Unspoken Struggles Men Face, And 330,000+ People On Twitter Agree
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More and more people today are speaking up about negative aspects of the stereotypical expectations of masculinity on boys and men. Twitter user Absurdistwords decided to contribute to this conversation by highlighting the importance of acknowledging that men often face the same problems as women, such as emotional trauma, depression, eating disorders and unrealistic expectations. However, our culture doesn’t immediately acknowledge these struggles thus preventing men from getting the help they need to recover. Absurdistwords explains in his viral thread the concept of toxic masculinity and how it affects people’s lives.
Inspired by this thread, Imgur user BeorcKano decided to share his heartbreaking experience of growing up with a father who encouraged self-destructive behavior for the sake of being masculine. “It wasn’t until I started deconstructing my own behaviors and reactions that I started looking into the effects of striving to be hyper-masculine on my own mental and emotional well-being. I realized most of my concepts of what a “man” was supposed to come from a very broken person,” he told Bored Panda.
BeorcKano says that his family was not the only place where this kind of behavior manifested. “Most often I saw examples of my father’s behavior in many of the working class men of his generation. I was raised up around the labor industries, like roofing, logging, lumber mills, construction, remodeling, metalwork, so on and so forth, and most of the men that I ended up associating with were the same in many aspects. There was a nearly mandatory ‘hazing’ period of any new employees, especially the young men, where their ‘manliness’ was consistently called into question or tested with personal conflicts, posturing, insults, and general disrespect.” he says.
The man admits that his life took a better turn once he began reflecting on his childhood and realized what impact the pressure of being hyper-masculine had on him. “I realized that I exhibited many of the signs of being toxic in my level of masculinity, where my ego and image took precedence over the right thing to do. I was so concerned with making sure I never appeared weak or ‘un-manly’ that it was a significant impairment to admitting that I even had a problem to begin with. It’s like admitting that I wasn’t strong enough to withstand my lot in life, that I wasn’t a real man. Real men didn’t feel like this. I was an imposter, a fraud, and unworthy of the things I did have. This created a kind of cycle of anger and depression that fed itself and, coupled with my anxiety and C-PTSD, caused a pretty uncontrolled downward spiral.”
When asked what else he could say on the subject, BeorcKano said “I guess my final bit would be that just like nobody is saying that every single man is a serial rapist, and not every single man is a physically or emotionally abusive monster, well, not every single man suffers from toxic masculinity. It takes a deep level of honest introspective, a sort of selfless look at how your actions are affecting the men, women, boys, and girls in your life. Are you treating the women in your life as equals? Are the men in your life sources of unhealthy competition? Are you just ‘toughening up’ the boys in your life, and for what reason? Are you serving as an example to the girls in your life as to what to look for in a loving, supporting, emotionally available and mentally healthy partner? If you can honestly, truthfully say yes to these things without slanting your assessment in your favor because of ego or pride, then great! If not, well, then I think one might need to take a moment and evaluate where you can grow and improve as a person.”
More info: twitter.com
After a 15-year-old Brent Conner tweeted about struggles men face that are often overlooked, it sparked a conversation about a toxic masculinity
Twitter user Absurdistwords decided to contribute to this conversation by offering his insight on this important topic
He then created another thread to explain the concept of toxic masculinity
Inspired by this thread Imgur user BeorcKano decided to share his heartbreaking experience
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!["Karen Complains To HR About My Body, I Uno-Reverse Her Complaint, [And Now] Everyone Hates Her"](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/coworker-complains-to-hr-about-womans-body-revenge-latest.jpg "\"Karen Complains To HR About My Body, I Uno-Reverse Her Complaint, [And Now] Everyone Hates Her\"")
This poor man is suffering and unburdening his soul, telling a harrowing life story and all these comments... well the lack of compassion basically proves him right. Empathy is free, a******s.
I was rather shocked as well. Read this terrible story, totally got the concept of toxic masculinity - all the 'man up' rubbish people spout Parents telling their little boys that they shouldn't cry as Real Men don't. Be A Big Brave Boy... Makes absolute sense to me. That c**p is toxic for boys. Yet people are instantly down just because they don't like a few repeated key phrases or the PLATFORM or their Twitter name? FFS We shouldn't be teaching half the population that being silent is being tough. That crying is for girls. Why do men have tear-ducts if it's just for girls? Whoosh - apparently the important message here has gone over a lot of people's heads.
C, yes, sometimes being told to be brave is not the best type of parenting. Why does a child, who has fallen over for example, have to be brave? Absolutely regardless of gender. This article was targeting how we treat little boys so I only talked about little boys but I don't think we should be telling anyone of any gender that it's wrong to cry, to talk about feelings. To be big and brave. Bravery is for actions not emotions.
Well said, Dilly. I'll just add my thoughts on the brave part. I think it's greater bravery to confront the norm and be yourself. In a society where men are supposed to be silent violent grumps, it becomes brave to cry, to show your soft side and to talk about what bothers you.
C that’s adding things I didn’t say. I just mean it's okay for a child to cry if they fall over, mainly as they grow out of it - falling down & crying about it. I didn't say we can't discourage crying by saying ‘you’re all right’. Not crying does not equal being strong. What does expressing emotion have to do with strength? Your examples are just as I said - being brave about actions. I don’t believe in children being over-protected as I think that is detrimental. This post is about none of these things. It's about how some parents/role models tell boys that to be a 'real man' they cannot cry. They mustn't talk about their feelings. They must be strong, be the provider, the man of the house. That, if they are not these things, then they are not good enough. Sorry, but you seem to keep taking this topic in a sideways direction.
BeorcKano actually has an amazing reply to all of the comments further down in the comment list. It needs upvotes to get it where more of the commentors can see it.
My son, who is 28, says that he knows of young people his age where the girlfriends will verbally chastise their boyfriends for being "weak" for crying, will say they've lost respect, etc. I was shocked. I wish these kids would read some of the letters from the 1800s to/from/between men and how flowery and emotional was their language. No one that I know ever talks or speaks that way now, not man, not woman.
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Did you just call a bunch of people a******s while preaching empathy?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I think you're confusing ranting with suffering. Twitter just gives a platform to people who used to be shouting "The End is Near!!" on street corners
Rather different. The end is nigh was one simple, bollocks, message. This is an insight into how the archaic view That Men Must Be Men is harmful to men. Yes, you are different but the basic points being made are true. Or don't you think it's okay to cry Ben?
I think you're the one in confusion here BenSmith...or considering your other comments here, maybe just the perfect illustration for "toxic masculinity"
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
My point Carrie, is that people who rant like this on Twitter about fake issues would be considered crazy if they were shouting it on the street. Social media has created a false sense of importance to people.
Wow, don't skip the post by BeorcKano. That's some real crazy sh*t he went through, and some good lessons to take out of it. Learning how to change your mind and be a better person? *That* takes strength.
His reply to all of the comments on this article is even better.
Thanks for pointing it out - highly worthwhile. I've done my part in upvoting, but I think he came too late to the thread to beat out everyone who commented early. Hopefully people will see your reply here and seek it out.
I have d***s like that at work, makes for a toxic and nearly impossible work environment.They always think they're right and nothing ever changes. Even the bosses are afraid of them.
I'm not sure it's something I wan't to read on BP put I read the comments. Toxic masculinity exist, men do not need more masculinity, they need, as women need, to express who they are without being judged. My son has a father, present in our life, a good father and man. Yet my son being 4yo has already experiment this toxic masculinity. My stepfather trying to forbid him to play with the stroller because it's for girl (fathers never use stroller, it's well known), asking him to cut his hair for he does'nt "look manly enough", my mother and all the people that ever told him he shouldn't cry when he hurt himself ("that what girls do"). The girl that did'nt allow him to play with the dinette at school... I could go on. Stereotypes sucks, a woman can refuse to shave, have little or huge boobs, long or short hair, be nurse or bus driver, well, men too. Men are not different from women, every man and every woman is different, no one should feel untitled to decide for other people.
Message for C; in the UK they've just passing a unisex physical fitness test for people serving on the front line. If you pass the test you're in, regardless of gender.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I get what you're saying, but I think we're throwing the baby out with the bathwater if we get rid of all "judging". Judging is extremely important and vital and we do it all the time. I think you mean idiotic, negative judging, according to your standards. If you think about it objectively, you are judging just by complaining about the guy telling the boy to be more traditionally masculine. Judging absolutely has a purpose. Where that line in the sand is, is quite arbitrary and varies from person to person so it's tough to find just the right spot for it.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I'm sorry..."men are not different than women"? Yeah...we are. Do a little research in the science of gender before making such asinine comments. This comment invalidates everything else you're trying to say.
Once again Caytlin. Not the subject. We're talking about the boys that are not allowed to express their emotions. Freedom of expression denied to them....
Ben, be nice, go "do a little research in science" please, about gender too. And historical research: being a man/woman today is not the same than in 1600, being a man in France is not the same than being a man in Chile. Because education and culture make gender. And it makes me less different from a man of my generation/culture than from a woman at the other end of the world.
Once again Caytlin, you just refusing to undersand... we're not talking about that and no one criminalise anything here. We're just saying that men and women are humans, that we should respect everyone pain, that men can feel pain, that no one should expect men or women acting like stereotypes. Because we're humans and all differents. See, being two women, I feel really different from you and incredibly more like Bret Corner (The teenager that is in pain and that you consider a buzz or a feminist)
Caitlin make an effort to understand please. We're not talking about vigina/penis or effort test (even if for fitness test, I can find you 100 men that wouldn't equal some women I know when I wouldn'ty equal any of those men for last people who saw me run must be blind by age right now). We're talking about about emotions, about the way people dress, the way they express or the things they love. Try to focus. Even if the strongestor fastest male cannot be outclass by the strongest/fastest female, he may cry too if he want, or dye is hair in pink.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
@wharrgarrbl...did you ever think I was just making a different point? I know it's difficult to think outside the box sometimes and not just parrot what the majority says...but maybe you should look into it. Have a lovely day!
This poor man is suffering and unburdening his soul, telling a harrowing life story and all these comments... well the lack of compassion basically proves him right. Empathy is free, a******s.
I was rather shocked as well. Read this terrible story, totally got the concept of toxic masculinity - all the 'man up' rubbish people spout Parents telling their little boys that they shouldn't cry as Real Men don't. Be A Big Brave Boy... Makes absolute sense to me. That c**p is toxic for boys. Yet people are instantly down just because they don't like a few repeated key phrases or the PLATFORM or their Twitter name? FFS We shouldn't be teaching half the population that being silent is being tough. That crying is for girls. Why do men have tear-ducts if it's just for girls? Whoosh - apparently the important message here has gone over a lot of people's heads.
C, yes, sometimes being told to be brave is not the best type of parenting. Why does a child, who has fallen over for example, have to be brave? Absolutely regardless of gender. This article was targeting how we treat little boys so I only talked about little boys but I don't think we should be telling anyone of any gender that it's wrong to cry, to talk about feelings. To be big and brave. Bravery is for actions not emotions.
Well said, Dilly. I'll just add my thoughts on the brave part. I think it's greater bravery to confront the norm and be yourself. In a society where men are supposed to be silent violent grumps, it becomes brave to cry, to show your soft side and to talk about what bothers you.
C that’s adding things I didn’t say. I just mean it's okay for a child to cry if they fall over, mainly as they grow out of it - falling down & crying about it. I didn't say we can't discourage crying by saying ‘you’re all right’. Not crying does not equal being strong. What does expressing emotion have to do with strength? Your examples are just as I said - being brave about actions. I don’t believe in children being over-protected as I think that is detrimental. This post is about none of these things. It's about how some parents/role models tell boys that to be a 'real man' they cannot cry. They mustn't talk about their feelings. They must be strong, be the provider, the man of the house. That, if they are not these things, then they are not good enough. Sorry, but you seem to keep taking this topic in a sideways direction.
BeorcKano actually has an amazing reply to all of the comments further down in the comment list. It needs upvotes to get it where more of the commentors can see it.
My son, who is 28, says that he knows of young people his age where the girlfriends will verbally chastise their boyfriends for being "weak" for crying, will say they've lost respect, etc. I was shocked. I wish these kids would read some of the letters from the 1800s to/from/between men and how flowery and emotional was their language. No one that I know ever talks or speaks that way now, not man, not woman.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Did you just call a bunch of people a******s while preaching empathy?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I think you're confusing ranting with suffering. Twitter just gives a platform to people who used to be shouting "The End is Near!!" on street corners
Rather different. The end is nigh was one simple, bollocks, message. This is an insight into how the archaic view That Men Must Be Men is harmful to men. Yes, you are different but the basic points being made are true. Or don't you think it's okay to cry Ben?
I think you're the one in confusion here BenSmith...or considering your other comments here, maybe just the perfect illustration for "toxic masculinity"
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
My point Carrie, is that people who rant like this on Twitter about fake issues would be considered crazy if they were shouting it on the street. Social media has created a false sense of importance to people.
Wow, don't skip the post by BeorcKano. That's some real crazy sh*t he went through, and some good lessons to take out of it. Learning how to change your mind and be a better person? *That* takes strength.
His reply to all of the comments on this article is even better.
Thanks for pointing it out - highly worthwhile. I've done my part in upvoting, but I think he came too late to the thread to beat out everyone who commented early. Hopefully people will see your reply here and seek it out.
I have d***s like that at work, makes for a toxic and nearly impossible work environment.They always think they're right and nothing ever changes. Even the bosses are afraid of them.
I'm not sure it's something I wan't to read on BP put I read the comments. Toxic masculinity exist, men do not need more masculinity, they need, as women need, to express who they are without being judged. My son has a father, present in our life, a good father and man. Yet my son being 4yo has already experiment this toxic masculinity. My stepfather trying to forbid him to play with the stroller because it's for girl (fathers never use stroller, it's well known), asking him to cut his hair for he does'nt "look manly enough", my mother and all the people that ever told him he shouldn't cry when he hurt himself ("that what girls do"). The girl that did'nt allow him to play with the dinette at school... I could go on. Stereotypes sucks, a woman can refuse to shave, have little or huge boobs, long or short hair, be nurse or bus driver, well, men too. Men are not different from women, every man and every woman is different, no one should feel untitled to decide for other people.
Message for C; in the UK they've just passing a unisex physical fitness test for people serving on the front line. If you pass the test you're in, regardless of gender.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I get what you're saying, but I think we're throwing the baby out with the bathwater if we get rid of all "judging". Judging is extremely important and vital and we do it all the time. I think you mean idiotic, negative judging, according to your standards. If you think about it objectively, you are judging just by complaining about the guy telling the boy to be more traditionally masculine. Judging absolutely has a purpose. Where that line in the sand is, is quite arbitrary and varies from person to person so it's tough to find just the right spot for it.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I'm sorry..."men are not different than women"? Yeah...we are. Do a little research in the science of gender before making such asinine comments. This comment invalidates everything else you're trying to say.
Once again Caytlin. Not the subject. We're talking about the boys that are not allowed to express their emotions. Freedom of expression denied to them....
Ben, be nice, go "do a little research in science" please, about gender too. And historical research: being a man/woman today is not the same than in 1600, being a man in France is not the same than being a man in Chile. Because education and culture make gender. And it makes me less different from a man of my generation/culture than from a woman at the other end of the world.
Once again Caytlin, you just refusing to undersand... we're not talking about that and no one criminalise anything here. We're just saying that men and women are humans, that we should respect everyone pain, that men can feel pain, that no one should expect men or women acting like stereotypes. Because we're humans and all differents. See, being two women, I feel really different from you and incredibly more like Bret Corner (The teenager that is in pain and that you consider a buzz or a feminist)
Caitlin make an effort to understand please. We're not talking about vigina/penis or effort test (even if for fitness test, I can find you 100 men that wouldn't equal some women I know when I wouldn'ty equal any of those men for last people who saw me run must be blind by age right now). We're talking about about emotions, about the way people dress, the way they express or the things they love. Try to focus. Even if the strongestor fastest male cannot be outclass by the strongest/fastest female, he may cry too if he want, or dye is hair in pink.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
@wharrgarrbl...did you ever think I was just making a different point? I know it's difficult to think outside the box sometimes and not just parrot what the majority says...but maybe you should look into it. Have a lovely day!