The dreaded Tinder bio. Or, as we like to call it, the bane of your online dating experience. Its duty is to show off your personality without making you sound like an overconfident douchebag. And if you’re like us, you’ve been pulling your hair out trying to come up with a funny bio that is creative enough to stand out from the crowd. It all adds up to one big headache that makes you want to throw your phone against the wall.
That said, you’ve probably noticed that most Tinder profiles are empty or full of cliches. That’s no surprise, though. People tend to lean on familiar tropes when writing about themselves. But then, swipe after swipe, your eyes finally catch on to something different — a profile that is just as funny and interesting as that sexy human it belongs to.
That’s what we’re talking about today. Tinder has a reputation as a hookup app, but trust us when we say it’s also an incredible source of pure comedy. The Tinderverse is full of clever people with beautiful faces who are all trying to do the same thing: get noticed, and some have done it incredibly well. So we engaged in a swiping marathon and found what we’re sure are the best Tinder bios ever. These bios are so good they will put yours to shame. There’s probably no copyright on them, so feel free to blatantly steal these examples of dating profiles for yourself. Or just use them as inspiration to create your own, you lazy bum. Enjoy!
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“Threesome? No thanks… If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I’d have dinner with my parents.”
“I like long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the highness wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.”
"If you're looking for a bad boy, look no further. I'm bad at everything."
“The only reason I want a boyfriend is so that when I’m singing Fergalicious and it’s at the part where she says, ‘I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness, he’s my witness,’ I can point to him and he’ll do the little, ‘wooOOH’ part because right now I have to do both parts by myself and it’s stressful because right after the wooOOH part I have to get right back into rapping and the transition is harder than you think.”
“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him if he’s going to eat the rest of that pizza.”
“Two reasons to date me:
1. Because you’d be the good-looking one
2. Please.”
"Titanic.
...Sorry, that was a horrible ice breaker."
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then leave because I don’t have a best. I’m always awful.”
“Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.”
“About:
English
Terrible comedian
6ft – perfect big spoon
Uncle
Good cook
Animal Lover
Winner of a beauty contest in Monopoly
Owner of car
Good whistler
Gym goer
Spider killer
Disney World regular
Best hair where I work
Two dogs in a human costume
Reviews:
5 Stars: ‘A perfect gentleman’ – Anonymous Tinder woman
5 Stars: ‘Made 50 Shades of Grey seem as tame as the Teletubbies’ – Anonymous Tinder woman
1 Star: ‘Stop asking me for a review you weirdo’ – Anonymous Tinder woman
5 Stars: ‘So sweet’ – Mark’s mum.”
“Professional bathroom singer. Seeking a duet partner.”
“For the love of God, someone please date me so I can stop taking my mom to costume parties.”
I'd gladly take my mom to costume parties, she'll do all the interacting while I stand in a corner on my phone with her constantly saying "you can't just stand in the corner on your phone".
“Hello Ladies,
Look at the last guy you matched, now back to me, now back to the last guy you matched, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me but if he stopped leaving his bio blank and had better pictures, he could be like me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on Tinder with the man of your dreams. What’s in your hand, back to me. I have it. It’s a pizza with your favorite toppings on it. Look again, the pizza is now your favorite dog. Anything’s possible when you match me on Tinder.”
"On the topic of nude photos I'd like to remind you of a little story; In 1912 a girl had a nude photo drawn in a sketch book by a random guy that no one's ever heard of. The drawing gets locked in a safe, on a boat. The boat sinks. And her nude photo still ends up on TV 84 years later.
So no, I will not be sending nudes. No one is safe."
“I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder, so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.”
“On our first date, I will carve our initials into a tree. It’s the most romantic way of letting you know I have a knife.”
“I’m looking for a girl who is super mean. She also has to be really clingy and jealous. I prefer women who talk a lot about their ex and a love for da bootyliciousness. In my free time, I like to take off my shirt and take selfies. I’m super in shape thanks to my strict diet of Mountain Dew and Twizzlers. We’re a Twizzler family, Red Vines have no place in my home. I work nights fighting crime. I’m not saying I’m Batman but I am saying no one has seen the Riddler in Austin, Texas.”
I drink Mt Dew like most people drink coffee. Twizzlers, especially the cherry nibs are bomb. Red Vines should be illegal. I don’t fight crime, but I deal with the aftermath (work in a juvenile prison). I don’t wear a bra or pants when I’m home, but have never felt the urge to take selfies; however, I’m great at clicking a button if you’d like to get a new angle of yourself. If you’d prefer me mean, clingy, jealous, and emotionally unstable all I’d have to do would be to stop taking my meds. And oddly, not a single word of this is false. Maybe someone should get me this guy’s number?
"Married. Couple of kids. Looking for some side action. Just kidding. Single. 3 Tamagotchis. Looking for someone to take to family events so they’ll stop thinking something’s wrong with me.”
Sadly, i married such a guy for only that reason - but HE told me too late but kept saying it was "love" for a few years while refusing to share leisure with me. So I couldn't cancel the wedding but had to go through the divorce. 😖 Saying this in a dating profile, however, is funny!
"If you’re looking for someone with common sense, patience, and intelligence… Keep looking."
“Just doing this because my girlfriend did. She said it doesn’t mean anything. Message the hell out of me.”
“I don’t have nightmares, I create them.”
"Pros: Great at making pasta.
Cons: Can only make pasta."
"Not looking for anything serious… but if my dog likes you then maybe we could give it a try."
“Gonna get tattoos of dogs on my arms and then get really buff so when I am a fly cutie I can be like, ‘Excuse me but do you know where a vet is because I’ve got some SICK PUPPIES?’ and then I’ll flex so hard my shirt sleeves rip and they’ll blown away by my arms, my devotion to dogs and my sense of humor.”
“I still ride on the back of shopping carts when I shop.”
“Sometimes life hands you lemons that are worth two in the bush, I like puppies.”
"Pro: not afraid of spiders
Con: afraid of moths
Pro: can cook
Con: will try to get you to do the dishes
Pro: can probably out-drink you
Con: probably actually can't but will try anyways
Pro: really cuddly
Con: lacks personal space when asleep
Pro: loves animals
Con: may steal your pets
Pro: has a good sense of humor
Con: none. I'm funny"
“Don’t judge me on my age. I just want a guy to buy me flowers, send me a million cute texts and call me mine. I’ll make you food so wife me up.”
“Don’t ask me to ‘send some pics’. Take me out on a date, buy me some food and try to get me naked at the end like a real gentleman.”
“I’m on Tinder to make friends the same way I’m on naughty internet side to see the plumber repair the sink.”
“I message first. Every single time. You won’t beat me.”
''If you’re looking for someone who is spontaneous, look elsewhere. I need at least 2 weeks notice."
“Let’s be honest; I’m on Tinder and my first picture is of me in a bikini. I’m not looking for a relationship or a friend.”
“80s music brings me back to good times like when I wasn’t alive.”
“I asked my yoga teacher if she could teach me to do the splits, she said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t do Tuesdays.”
“Hit me up with 1 for a cheesy pickup line, 2 for a dad joke.”
“So here’s how this will go:
We’ll exchange punny pick up lines
I’ll make small talk, you will mention the puppy
Pretty sure it’ll get flirty
Eventually, you’ll send me your number
Risking it all, I ask you out and you say yes
I wasn’t expecting to get this far
Good chance we’ll get drunk at a party or bar
Hey wanna choose what happens next?
Then go and read the first letter of each line.”
“I am a rocket scientist. I’ve appeared on the cover of GQ – twice. And after mastering Italian, I became an international super spy. Right now, I’m yachting my way across the Caribbean, stealing top-secret information, and sipping Mai Tais… shaken, not stirred. Okay, fine. I exaggerated *just* a smidge. But I do like a good Mai Tai and I got a B+ in my 5th grade science class. Message me for more straight talk and I’ll send you FB links, photos of science fair trophies and much MUCH more…”
I do have some medals from a sports day I attended. Got a 99 on my Form 3 Physics exam too.
"I once got lost in IKEA for two hours."
Lolol, i got Lost in the Colombo Shopping Center in Lisboa, any its a f*****g circle.
"I’m not really into dating, but my mother said I have to at least try it once before she dies."
“Carolina V 2.0 Tinder Edition updates:
– minor bug fixes
– improved selection algorithm
– new pictures (bikini pic added)
– performance enhancements: summer tan
– multilingual support.”
“I’m not the type of girl you have to hold in farts for but rather the type of girl you want to hold in farts for.”
“Looking for a guy who will pick me over beer.”
Oh man, i joke about my apearance, and my defects, but not even i would say that, thats not funny, that just sad.
“My perfect date? I pick you up at 8 for half-priced apps at the Bees. We get there to find out half-price doesn’t start until 9. You offer to wait but I say it’s fine. We get our food. I say you look pretty. ‘What?’ I say I’m kinda chilly. You agree. I offer to go to the movies but you are tired/have to do laundry. I take you home and awkwardly hug you in your driveway. I go home and Tweet about finding true love. I get two favorites and a reply calling me crazy. The perfect date.”
"Warning: I have a terrible sense of direction, so chances are you’ll be lost forever if you come with me."
Yup, i can relate to that, i got Lost in a 2 storie building once, and again in a circular building ( shopping center )
“I’m just going to answer the question for you: yes, they are real.”
Yes, they are real!!! *Holds up genuine Pokemon Cards* What kind of monster would use fake these??? XP
“I’ll be Burger King and you’ll be McDonald’s, I’ll have it my way and you’ll be loving it.”
Yea, that would be a left swipe for me, way to cocky and not really that funny.
“I can’t wait to disappoint you intimately.”
"Notable Life Achievements:
- Can cook amazing instant noodles
- Semi-professional bathroom singer
- Has never been in jail before (except when playing Monopoly)"
"I have a credit score of 800 and can fold a fitted sheet, next question."
“I’m a highly motivated, controlling, narcissistic jerk with bad grammar… Good luck.”
Lol this could be my profile, bu7t he forgot the megamaniacal.
“Gym selfies. So many gym selfies. Shirtless gym selfies, cut-off tee gym selfies, pull-my-shirt-up gym selfies, mid-workout gym selfies. Just gym selfies.”
“This is the beginning of the sentence you just finished reading.”
"Warning: I may cause inappropriate thoughts and feelings of attraction in women and men alike. Proceed with caution."
"If we match, we’re getting married, right?"
“If you can eat more McDonald’s cheeseburgers than me then I’ll please you."
“I just want some 80’s movie romance. That’s it. I swear I’m not that hard to please. Just be John Cusack outside my window with a boombox.”
“Kinda girl you would take home to your mom but would blow you on the way there.”
“I’ll make you dessert; if you don’t like it, there is always me.”
“I’d like to cover you in peanut butter and see how much I could lick off before my peanut butter allergy killed me.”
“Things you need to know about me. First off, if we go out, you’re paying. Not just for me but for my wife if she shows up. And she’s a drinker. If I’m interested, I’ll place my underpants on the table. Fold them in three and place them in your handbag. Return them washed and we will consummate passionately. I dislike women who aren’t shallow. A plus if you wear my mom’s perfume and fit perfectly in the void she left. I’m 6 feat & 4 inches. Those are 2 measurements.”
“You could be my future ex-wife.”
That's from 1995 ( Jurassic Park, Ian Malcolm, line in the car when he's talking to the blond botanist, i forgot her name )
”I’m 26. I live with my grandparents but that will hopefully change soon.”
“I’m counting on your standards being lower than mine.
A simple synopsis of myself:
– Daddy issues
– Rapidly declining self-esteem
– Overly possessive and jealous
– Drama queen
– Gold-digger.”
“There’s red wine girls and white wine girls. Say hi to the whiskey girl.”
“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence. Because if she doesn’t have that, she’s mine.”
“Likes: climbing trees, bananas, grooming, finding bugs. Hit me up if you wanna ‘hang’ out. I don’t monkey around.”
“500 characters isn’t really enough to demonstrate my wit and intelligence so just look at my banging cleavage for now.”
“Carefully written, fact-checked essay in the streets, unmoderated comments section in the sheets.”
“I’m all of like two feet tall. Hope you like sarcasm and being insulted. If you’re wondering why I’m so funny, it’s because I used to be fat.”
“Sooo you’re looking for ‘the one’ huh? You’ll find him… but you’ll be so horny when you do that you’ll get with him on the first date, he will lose interest, the sweet texts will stop and you’ll be all alone with your pizza rolls swiping left and right again while he dates someone who’s challenging enough to keep his interest for longer than a weekend.”
“Honestly, I’m just here looking for my parents. They disappeared one night a few years ago and I heard I might be able to find them here. Please contact me if you have any pertinent information.”
"Girls love dogs and I'm allergic, so there's really no hope for me."
"How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine with someone special."
“Your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t.”
“Our relationship should be like a Nintendo 64–classic, fun to spend hours with and every issue easily fixed by blowing on it then shoving it back in.”
“Recently broke up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like how I take my coffee. I like my coffee the same way I like my women. Without other people’s organs in it.”
“Pizza is my second favorite thing to eat in bed.”
“I’m actually looking for the one girl who dislikes to laugh and hates good music. Bonus points if you dislike the outdoors. If I ever find myself face to face with a Tinder then I’m likely in trouble so drop the camera and GET HELP! I’m 6’1 so please be taller than me in heels.”
“You got to marry someone you know you’d still be down to get with in the laundry room real quick while the kids are downstairs watching The Lion King and ten minutes left till the dinosaur nuggets are ready to come out of the oven.”
“Leave a message after the beep.”
"My last three relationships didn’t end well because of my passion for politics and the fact that I’m always right about everything."
People who think they know everything really annoy those of us that do.
“Reasons to swipe right and wife me…
1. Provide pleasure whenever requested
2. I love cleaning
3. I can cook meals fit for your dietary needs
4. Don’t ask questions unless ‘Are you hungry?’ or, ‘Can I sit on it?’
5. When you’re out with mates, I won’t call or text unless it’s dirty selfies or dinner requests
6. I’ll wake you up by lovemaking
7. My no. 1 priority is your happiness and well-being
8. Only speak when spoken to
Swipe right.”
Yea lol for that i would buy a silicone doll, its cheaper on the long Run, and the behavior is preety much the same, ( swipe left )
“Taller than you in heels. Love positive people, quirks, good wine, Italian food, tense movies, live music, decadence. Open to most things but let’s start with a casual date.”
“Looking for someone to grow old with… one night older.”
“I don’t make mistakes, I just date them.”
"I’m like pizza: even when I’m bad, I’m still pretty good."
"I’m not looking for anything serious. But if you want to have a baby with me, I’m totally down for that."
“If you like protein shakes and getting caught at the gym, if you’re not into CrossFit, if you have half a brain, if you like making gains at midnight, while curling in the squat rack, I’m the love that you’ve looked for, message me and be swole m8.”
“I can’t afford a toy, so here we are.”
“I’ve got fake breasts and a fake personality. But who cares because let’s be honest, you’re gonna swipe right cos I’m fit.”
“I’ll have your friends hating me while I control every aspect of your life. What are you waiting for?”
“2nd year psychology student, so I’ll get in your head before giving you head. Love partying and outdoorsy stuff. Gymnast, so I’m flexible (draw your own conclusions).”
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for a relationship. I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long 'career'. Skills that make me a dream for people like you. If you swipe left now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you swipe right, I will match with you, I will flirt with you and I will sleep with you.”
“I’ve learned that men have two emotions: hungry and horny… If I see you without firmness, I’ll make you a sandwich.”
“Hi, I’m here for a boring time. I’m looking for a long-term relationship, probably involving a lot of hard work and hardly any intercourse. I’m emotional, stubborn and always right. I like to pick the movies and if you don’t let me, I’ll tell everyone you beat me.”
“I have an AMD graphics card, so you can say I’m used to things getting hot quickly. I’ll definitely get you to POST.”
“I am a little freaky at times… but no one has stepped up to the plate to explore that side of me.”
"People say I look like Shia LaBeouf, but without the talent or money."
“I’m grown but not grown, grown. Which means I know how to ride a man but I’m still not sure how taxes work.”
“Just your typical docile, subservient oriental girl wanting to help quell a white boy’s yellow fever.”
“It’s Tinder, let’s be real, you just want my breasts.”
Not necessarily. It's hard not to be freaked out when you just get the breasts without the owner attached.
“My nickname is Gillette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you.”
Yea you just Gave me, a " ill scratsh your car and make a Scandal at your workplace " vibe.... No thanks
“I’ll treat you like a Disney princess on the streets and a naughty princess between the sheets.”
“Seeking someone who looks good on the arm to take to social events!”
"I once got so drunk, that I woke up on a boat wearing only my underwear and a pair of handcuffs."
"Swipe right for a hero!”
Suddenly, We Don't Need Another Hero by Tina Turner comes to mind (Yes, I'm that old XP)
“Two things I don’t screw with: rattlesnakes and condoms.”
“Let’s recreate The Human Centipede and sew your mouth to my opening.
PS. all I eat is mozzarella sticks, Doritos and weenie.”
