“This Isn’t A Zoo”: Asian Woman Throws A Dramatic Fit At A Chinese Restaurant
Interview With Expert
Restaurants can be overwhelming, especially for a highly sensitive person. They tend to process everything much more deeply, including feelings, thoughts, details, and physical sensations. So when others are experiencing their surroundings at a volume of 5, they are blasted with a loudness of 10. And in these noisy and jam-packed spaces, something is bound to go wrong.
For redditor Mean-Proposal8’s friend Jess, it was a curious kid who pushed her over the edge. Unexpectedly, she stood up, insulted the child and his father, and walked out. Trying to console her, Mean-Proposal8 suggested she go back to therapy, as she has dealt with similar difficulties in the past. In return, Jess called her a bad friend and left.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with trauma therapist Vanessa Pezo who kindly agreed to tell us about healthy support mechanisms for someone in panic or anxiety mode.
Noisy and busy restaurants can be overwhelming
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
For Jess, it was a little kid who pushed her over the edge
Image credits: meijii (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Image source: Mean-Proposal8
Helping someone in state of stress, anxiety or overload
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the qactual photo)
Trauma therapist provides insights on what could’ve triggered Jess’ reaction
Bored Panda reached out to trauma therapist Vanessa Pezo, who kindly provided her insights on the situation.
We were curious to know if Jess could’ve been triggered by something that was related to her past trauma from racist verbal attack. She told us “When we experience a traumatic event, like a verbal racist attack, our mind will store this memory and the things associated with it as potential sources of danger. Our mind does this because it is designed to protect us from threats and danger in service of our survival.
Later on these pieces of information become triggers. Triggers activate automatic stress responses like fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. For example, if I was walking down the street and a person wearing a red jacket began to yell racist threats at me I could experience triggers related to this in the future. Perhaps walking down that same street would now be a trigger, or maybe seeing someone in a red jacket could become a trigger.
I could also be triggered if I heard similar words or a similar tone of voice being used. It is not possible to know exactly what will become a future trigger. It often takes time to understand what triggers us and why. Some triggers can be quite clear such as being triggered by driving after a bad car accident. Others are not so obvious. This becomes even more complex when someone has experienced multiple traumatic events, especially stemming in their childhood. ”
However friends advice to go back to therapy might’ve been a very questionable move. Pezo notes that if someone is experiencing mental health challenges it is important that we support them in ways that meet their individual needs.
“Often, people like to give advice or tell others what to do thinking this will “fix” their problem. However, telling others what to do can be highly invalidating. Instead, you might offer an observation of what you have been noticing as a way of checking in. For example, “I notice you seem stressed lately. Are you okay?” If the person does choose to share with you it is important to first be a supportive listener which means being present and not jumping into “fix-it” mode. We can also ask if there is anything we can do to help, but shouldn’t assume we know what someone else needs or what they should do. ”
Equipping ourselves with support mechanisms for someone who is in overload or panic mode
Some of us aren’t really equipped with support mechanisms when it comes to dealing with overwhelmed, panicky, or anxious people. What helps each person can differ, but there are a few techniques that typically come in handy in such situations.
Pezo advises to stay calm and collected. “Human being are designed to co-regulate. If someone is overwhelmed, anxious, or panicky they benefit from being in the presence of someone who is calm, grounded, and supportive. This means first attending to your own state so that you don’t add your own anxious energy into their already overwhelmed state.
Being a supportive presence can mean listening to someone, guiding them in taking a few deep breaths, going on a walk, or just being there. Your presence and the energy you bring often matters much more than saying the right thing. Also remember, telling someone “calm down” has never once worked to calm someone down. ”
She concludes by saying “When they are out of crisis mode doing activities together that support emotional regulation and nervous system health can be a huge help. Try going on walks, taking a yoga or meditation class, hiking or going out into nature, making art or other things you both find enjoyable and restorative. The best healing happens in relationships with other people. ”
Majority of commenters didn’t see anything wrong with the author’s actions
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Jess has got a little way to go yet (I'm not surprised after what she experienced) luckily she has good friends to support her.
NTA. People, especially children, tend to get curious if you eat something that looks unusual to them. It has nothing to do with race, Jess made the connection herself.
Having to deal with racism can make you very sensitive about the possibility that someone is talking about you in a negative way. Jess overreacted, but I can kind of understand having trust issues with strangers.
I'm happy to read about how people try to resolve issues. One can learn from that.
Load More Replies... When someone is in a mental crisis, they may show that by having irrational reactions to situations and disproportionately large emotions to small triggers. The thing I have learned is that you can't reason with the person about the situation, convincing them that they are misunderstanding or mis-reacting. Their brain can't handle that right now and they might double down on the reaction. Instead, you have to switch the focus to getting them to recognize how they are feeling (stressed, agitated), empathize that it must be awful and help them to de-escalate (breathe with them, walk with them, rub their hands if touch is okay, etc). Then, ask if they want to get help for feeling that way because they still won't understand that they may have accidentally wronged someone (that's the irrationality of trauma reactions). Just focus on getting them away from the situation, de-escalating, and offering help for how they are feeling.
What a wonderfully supportive friend group! I'm thoroughly impressed with their maturity. I feel bad for Jess, that kind of trauma must be so hard to recover from and I can see how she would be sensitive to the possibility of it happening again.
I'm happy for Jess that her friends and family are so dedicated to being there for her. I do hope she can recover with that love and support from her friends and family. What a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through!
Load More Replies... Poor Jess. When someone's reaction is out of proportion to what's happening in the present, it's usually hooked an old wound, and it sounds like Jess herself realised that once she was in a place where she felt safer. It's understandable that she was left traumatised by the attack, and hopefully with help and support she can work through it.
Op is a very supportive friend. What Jess did was out of hand, but trauma isn't something so easily to overcome. I hope the father and son doesn't judge her too harshly and that Jess gets the help she needs and overcomes this with the love and support from her friends and family :)
Op is a very supportive friend. What Jess did was out of hand, but trauma is not something so easily overcome. I truly praise OP for sticking by her friend and supporting her in anyway she can and I praise Jess for acknowledging what she did was wrong and I hope she find the help she needs and overcomes this. I hope the son and dad doesn't blame her too harshly for what had happen.
The proper response at the time would have been "I can see you are very upset by this. I'm going to go and get our food to go and then let me drive you home; we can talk more there." Jess would have been validated, she was upset, and she would have been taken to a safe feeling place. One who is in a crisis can't be reasonable as the OP wanted her to be. The suggestion to return to therapy should have been made after Jess had had time to feel safer and "heard" but still did need to be make. Best of luck to Jess's future. Trauma is very hard to get over and can have negative bearing on one's life.
Yikes such sensitivity to something perceived is akin to someone in drugs eho THINKS EVERYONE is talking about them. What a loser and a lameass
NTA, I'm not asian, but I am half Romanian, and some people have been curious about some of the Romanian cuisine I've cooked before. (and in general, I love to try and cook various cuisines from around the world) I think it's great that the dad was explaining the different food to the kid. Kids are curious, nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with learning about different cuisines at all. I feel for Jess having been the victim of a racial attack, but she was being a bit ridiculous here. I hope she gets help, it sounds like she needs it. (and I don't mean that in a bad way)
I feel badly for Jess but being traumatized doesn’t give the right to traumatized others.
She didn't go up to them and attack them. She lashed out, yes, but to call a single person shouting a single mean line traumatizing is a huge stretch. She did NOT threaten them or their saftey, she left the situation very quickly. The kid might be put off but i can't see that traumatizing anyone.
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Jess has got a little way to go yet (I'm not surprised after what she experienced) luckily she has good friends to support her.
NTA. People, especially children, tend to get curious if you eat something that looks unusual to them. It has nothing to do with race, Jess made the connection herself.
Having to deal with racism can make you very sensitive about the possibility that someone is talking about you in a negative way. Jess overreacted, but I can kind of understand having trust issues with strangers.
I'm happy to read about how people try to resolve issues. One can learn from that.
Load More Replies... When someone is in a mental crisis, they may show that by having irrational reactions to situations and disproportionately large emotions to small triggers. The thing I have learned is that you can't reason with the person about the situation, convincing them that they are misunderstanding or mis-reacting. Their brain can't handle that right now and they might double down on the reaction. Instead, you have to switch the focus to getting them to recognize how they are feeling (stressed, agitated), empathize that it must be awful and help them to de-escalate (breathe with them, walk with them, rub their hands if touch is okay, etc). Then, ask if they want to get help for feeling that way because they still won't understand that they may have accidentally wronged someone (that's the irrationality of trauma reactions). Just focus on getting them away from the situation, de-escalating, and offering help for how they are feeling.
What a wonderfully supportive friend group! I'm thoroughly impressed with their maturity. I feel bad for Jess, that kind of trauma must be so hard to recover from and I can see how she would be sensitive to the possibility of it happening again.
I'm happy for Jess that her friends and family are so dedicated to being there for her. I do hope she can recover with that love and support from her friends and family. What a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through!
Load More Replies... Poor Jess. When someone's reaction is out of proportion to what's happening in the present, it's usually hooked an old wound, and it sounds like Jess herself realised that once she was in a place where she felt safer. It's understandable that she was left traumatised by the attack, and hopefully with help and support she can work through it.
Op is a very supportive friend. What Jess did was out of hand, but trauma isn't something so easily to overcome. I hope the father and son doesn't judge her too harshly and that Jess gets the help she needs and overcomes this with the love and support from her friends and family :)
Op is a very supportive friend. What Jess did was out of hand, but trauma is not something so easily overcome. I truly praise OP for sticking by her friend and supporting her in anyway she can and I praise Jess for acknowledging what she did was wrong and I hope she find the help she needs and overcomes this. I hope the son and dad doesn't blame her too harshly for what had happen.
The proper response at the time would have been "I can see you are very upset by this. I'm going to go and get our food to go and then let me drive you home; we can talk more there." Jess would have been validated, she was upset, and she would have been taken to a safe feeling place. One who is in a crisis can't be reasonable as the OP wanted her to be. The suggestion to return to therapy should have been made after Jess had had time to feel safer and "heard" but still did need to be make. Best of luck to Jess's future. Trauma is very hard to get over and can have negative bearing on one's life.
Yikes such sensitivity to something perceived is akin to someone in drugs eho THINKS EVERYONE is talking about them. What a loser and a lameass
NTA, I'm not asian, but I am half Romanian, and some people have been curious about some of the Romanian cuisine I've cooked before. (and in general, I love to try and cook various cuisines from around the world) I think it's great that the dad was explaining the different food to the kid. Kids are curious, nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with learning about different cuisines at all. I feel for Jess having been the victim of a racial attack, but she was being a bit ridiculous here. I hope she gets help, it sounds like she needs it. (and I don't mean that in a bad way)
I feel badly for Jess but being traumatized doesn’t give the right to traumatized others.
She didn't go up to them and attack them. She lashed out, yes, but to call a single person shouting a single mean line traumatizing is a huge stretch. She did NOT threaten them or their saftey, she left the situation very quickly. The kid might be put off but i can't see that traumatizing anyone.
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