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“Lemon Is Not Acidic”: 47 Patients So Dumb It’s A Surprise They’re Still Alive
Everyone has areas where they just don’t know enough to really have a strong opinion. However, some folks are blissfully unaware of how little they know and take this energy with them everywhere, including in cases where it’s best to listen to the experts.
We’ve gathered stories from medical professionals sharing about their encounters with the dumbest, least informed patients they’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own experiences, if any, in the comments below.
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#1
Admittedly a medical student but had a conversation like this on respiratory ward:
"Are you smoker ? "
-No
"Have you ever smoked?"
-Yes
"How long were you smoking for?"
-50 years
" When did you give up? "
-Two days ago.
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#2
Not a Doctor, but EMT.
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn't be pregnant. She said her last period was "like ten months ago" so she'd gone through menopause.
She was 25.
#3
I don't like speaking ill of my patients mainly because I think we all neglect our health to a certain extent volitionally, and that can be viewed as "dumb".
But the winner is Aristotle*. Aristotle is a 35 year old highly functional corporate lawyer. Aristotle has G6PD deficiency and (in his case) he develops mild hemolysis when exposed to certain foods, including fava beans. Every year for his birthday, Aristotle goes to the fancy Greek restaurant and gets gigandes plaki, his favourite dish. Every year he develops mild hemolysis with mild jaundice and dark urine. Every year he comes to see me, his gastroenterologist, urgently and without an appointment on the day after his birthday -- bull-in-china-shopping my clinic, yelling at the secretary and other patients if he could be seen first. Every year he repeats his highly anxious concerns that his liver is screwed up because he's mildly jaundiced and has dark urine. Every year I tell him it's from the gigandes plaki. Every year he resolves never to eat it again and is fine for the rest of the year on his G6PD diet.
And every year on his birthday, he forgets. And then the cycle continues.
*Name changed.
Goth Bear Cat 18 hours ago
I was disheartened when I learned that food cravings can sometimes be a result of food intolerance/allergies. 😕
#4
Alot of patients come to the hospital because they are "sick" but refuse to do any tests or take any medicine. Do people expect healthcare workers to do a ritual dance and chant around them and magically heal their illnesses?
#5
I work as a receptionist/office assistant at a large clinic, so I'm obviously not a doctor but I do deal with a lot of patients. I haven't been doing it for very long but I have a couple interactions that come to mind. One was a lady wanting to know if our clinic would do a "virginity test" on her because her PCP told her they don't do that. It took me way too long to explain it's not a real thing. Another lady needed to get tested for STDs, not weird, but she said she needed us to send the results to her prospective employer? Uh why?? We told her we wouldn't do that but she could come get a copy of her results and do whatever she wanted with it. She does but comes back later the same day and says we gave her the wrong test results. We double check, nope, those are def her test results. Trying to sort this out with her, I asked her why her employers would want an STD test anyway. She said it's to make sure she doesn't have "tubulars" Then it dawned on me. She meant Tuberculosis. She needed a TB test, not an STD test. She gets angry and yells that we're just trying to trick her into taking more tests so we can charge her more. Then she stormed out...
#6
There was a guy who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.
#7
Not a doctor, but I work in a doctor's office as a MOA. Specifically pediatrics.
A secretary buzzes back to me that there's a call on line two that needs medical advice. I pick it up and one of our patient's mother is on the phone having a panic attack. She is hyperventilating into the phone. I asked her if she was alright, thinking maybe she needed an ambulance, and through her breaths and now tears, she starts telling me that she thinks her four year old son has a skull fracture.
I ask if he fell. No.
I ask if he's conscious. Yes.
I ask if he's breathing. Yes.
I ask if he is bleeding from his ears, eyes, nose, mouth, scalp. No.
I ask if there is any visible wound. No.
I ask why she thinks he fractured his skull. Because underneath his eyes is red and puffy and Google says that's a skull fracture.
I tell her to go to the ER for proper assessment (we don't do MRIs, X-rays, CT Scans). She doesn't want to. She says she was supposed to take her kids to the beach. Mind you, she is still crying and breathing heavy at this point. I tell her to come right over then but warned her we would probably have to send her to the ER.
She shows up 15 minutes later, cradling the child and crying. The little boy was crying too. She kept hushing him and saying "Mommy loves her strong boy, no matter what!" Which only made him cry harder.
I pull her back into the room and she just dissolves as she tells me how she looked at him in horror this morning and saw the guarantee signs of a skull fracture. She swears he must have hit his head yesterday at swim practice.
The little boy is crying hard but I can see the noticeable swelling and pinkness under the eyes that she was referring too. I went to get the doctor and told her what I thought. She went in, came out about ten minutes later shaking her head. She had the same diagnosis.
You know when you wipe your eyes after swimming, you usually wipe under your eye too? The kid must have wiped off his sunscreen around his eyes the day before. All the pinkness and puffiness was from a mild sunburn under his eyes.
#8
Dentist here. In school I had a 70yr old pt who was still in the dating game and looked like of Joan Rivers
She's got a ton of acid erosion on her teeth. Tells me she drinks on "3-O" water. Didn't know what was in it. We look it up on Google. That'd be a pH of 3. All of her water. Plus, she likes to put lemons in her water. I tell her this is also acidic. She tells me I'm wrong, because her friend who took a few nutrition classes said that as soon as the lemon juice gets into the body, it turns basic.
I told her I had a biochemistry degree... And that was wrong.
Also, her blood pressure is super high every visit. She tells me that she stopped takin her BP Meds because she thought they were unhealthy. I tell her that her method is not working at all.
A few weeks later, she strokes out and never gets out of a wheel chair again.
I'm friends w/ her on Facebook now. It's just sad.
Sandra Gleeson 19 hours ago
My mother, exactly the same, she didnt need BP meds she said because she didnt feel sick, I told her if she didnt take them she would have a stroke and most likely end up in an aged care facility...........
#9
I'm a student and my GP supervisor was involved in a scheme to reduce A&E waiting times by having a GP in A&E to take patients that weren't actually in an accident or an emergency. As none of the patients were actually dangerously ill I was basically doing the consultations with the doctor supervising, double checking and signing prescriptions etc.
A guy in his late 20s walks in, looking very healthy, and sits down. "I was stung by a bee this morning". *OK.* "Where?" "On my cheek" *There's no swelling or anything visible.* "How long ago was this?" "Well it took me about half an hour to get here and then I've been waiting another three and a half hours" *I wonder why.* "Did it stop you swallowing or breathing?" "No." "Are you allergic?" "No." *Umm...* "What would you like us to do?" "Check I'm OK."...
At this point I turn around to my supervisor attempting to say what do I do here? He says "You're OK, go home."
It was the most surreal consultation I've ever had.
#10
I work in a burn unit.
Had another hospital FLY, yes FLY as in $50,000 helicopter ride- a patient over.
Patient ended up having what looked like a bad tan on a small portion of their body.
There were a couple little blisters on their leg, and they wouldn't stop screaming for pain medication- and claiming that they were in 12/10 pain. Fairly sure that sending ER was just trying to dump them on us.
Edit: everyone can stop telling me how super serious and special their sun burns were. You still don't need a helicopter.
#11
I am not a doctor but as a paramedic I once had a patient who crushed his forearm in a steel press. I could literally see every bone in his arm at this point (compound fracture). He looked at me and asked "can I go back to work tommorow?". I had to explain the severity of the situation to him. I realize he was likely in shock. The patient went on to tell me he was trying to make enough money to buy his children christmas presents. I still feel bad for him to this day.
#12
Paramedic here. Had someone come into the ER because they were gay.
#13
I'm a little late to the party here, so I'm not sure if anyone will see this, but anyway...
I'm not in the medical field at all, but my wife is a nurse practitioner who regularly works with youth in the local juvenile detention facility where underage suspects/criminals are sent to await trial and serve their sentences. One young lady in custody was pregnant and didn't know who the father of her expected child was, but she told my wife not to worry about it. Apparently she would be able to deduce the father's identity based on the child's *accent* after birth.
Yup.
#14
I once had a patient with a cancer diagnosis completely depressed about not being able to see their family anymore. I was confused because I had spoken with this individual's spouse and extended family who seemed supportive; there wasn't any indication of family problems, etc.
It turns out that this individual thought "genetic" and "family history" had meant something similar to "contagious", leading them to the conclusion that one should stay away from loved ones lest it be spread through the family.
That was one clarification I was so happy to give.
#15
Not stupid, actually kind of sad.
My friend told me that she met a man on her Oncology rotation who had lung cancer, and who was convinced that some chlorophyll drink his wife was making him could help him photosynthesise, make oxygen and breathe better.
#16
I work in the ED and I had a shift in pediatrics. It was a particularly busy day and people were overflowing out of the chairs so it took a while to get to the non critical patients.
One mom had been sitting with her daughter for 2 hours (not too long considering how busy it was) and insisted that her daughter be seen.
Me: So what brought you in today
Mom: *angrily* I have been waiting for over an hour and no one has come to help my daughter and she is dieing!
Me: Ok let me see if I can help what seems to be the problem?
Mom: She has a headache
Me: OK.. tell me more about the headache
Daughter: well I don't actually have a headache anymore...
Mom: WHAT?!?! We have been waiting here so long my daughter doesn't even have a headache anymore! I want to talk to your supervisor.
Me: ......
#17
Had a male take his wife's birth control because she wasn't good at remembering when to take it.
#18
Whilst working as a GP (primary care physician) I had a 40ish year old man come in with his wife complaining of "electric shocks" for the past year. It quickly became apparent these were static shocks caused by his cheap work suit and rubber soled work shoes. I explained he just needed to change his shoes, and it would stop, but both him and his wife were baffled. Theyd never heard of static shocks and couldnt understand why I couldn't treat his "condition". Unfortunately I have no power the change the laws of physics.
#19
"I dont have diabetes, I take medicine for that." - happens so often I cant put a face to that quote.
#20
When I worked in a&e, had a patient with the complaint of "neurology" in minors. She tells me she cant feel the tip of her pinkie. A vague 0.2cmx0.2cm patch right at the top. No sensation there whatsoever. No other history or symptoms. I grabbed a needle, poked it and cured her.
#21
Emergency surgeon here
Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because "her daughters farts smelled too bad"
Kept a straight face.
Jan Rosier 12 hours ago
I've told this one before... about a guy whose Philippino girlfriend was here for the first time (Belgium) One night, they had asparagus -for her it was the first time in her life. Next day when he was at work, she went to the doctor panicking about the strange smell from her pee.
#22
A female patient comes to the ER, saying that she has an abscess, turns out it was just a little pimple on the nose.
Another patient comes to the ER during a very busy shift, I take her in, ask her why she is consulting. Turns out her house burned out 2 weeks ago and her prescriptions burnt with the house. She didn't thought about getting an appointment with her primary care physician, just came to the ER.
We sent both patients home explaining what an emergency is and with an appointment to a general Doctor.
#23
Not a doctor, but once I went to the doctor because I felt a bump at the center of the back of my head. Doctor told me thats where the spine connects to the skull... Whoops.
#24
ER Nurse here! I have a million of these! This is my favorite in recent history:
A woman checked her 9 year-old son in to the ER because he was upset he didn't win an award during an academic award ceremony at school. She wanted someone to "talk to him or something, I can't deal with him". She basically wanted us to parent her child for her because she didn't want to be bothered.
#25
I'm not a doctor (I work in the ER) but a patients complaint was that she had Seasonal Diabetes.
Kristiina Männiste 10 hours ago
I actually get the patient. I am not supposed to eat grapes and sweet cherries, but once per season my garden grows oodles of sweet cherries and grapes. I dont want them to spoil so I eat them, and avoid checking my blood sugar for a month or so...
#26
Patient came in with a rash around her mouth; she was going on about how she had it 14 years ago and the dermatologist prescribed a certain antibiotic to cure it and diagnosed her with "perioral dermatitis." She's showing us pictures on Google. Okay.
Doctor diagnoses her with impetigo and prescribes her an antibiotic ointment. She leaves and fills the prescription and comes back flipping out. She googled impetigo and, with the help of WebMD, came to the conclusion that it was a children's disorder on the arms and legs that can only be contracted from children and she wasn't around children. Insists that what she believes she has (perioral dermatitis) is a "woman's disorder" and she doesn't have this "children's disease". Says that the antibiotic he prescribed isn't on the list of treatments (thanks WebMD). (It's on the top of the list actually, of you know, actual medical books, but whatever)
Whole time, she's showing us these pics off google of "perioral dermatitis" saying it's a woman's disorder. Half the pictures were of men. Now one thing you should know, perioral dermatitis means rash around the mouth. That's it. It doesn't mean anything. It's not a type of rash. It's not only cured by a specific antibiotic. It's just a rash that happens to be around the mouth. She was furious, shaking with rage and about to start throwing things bc the doctor wouldn't prescribe her this certain antibiotic. Doctor told us to call the cops if she came back. People are crazy.
Bored Jellyfish 17 hours ago
My mother used a small bottle (Gentian violet) make purple dots all over on my arms and legs for mosquito bites that I scratched until they bled, telling me it was to prevent impetigo. I had no idea what that was, but she swore if she didn’t dab me with the purple stuff, I would surely get it.
#27
Had a patient refuse a blood draw because he said the blood is his and we aren't allowed to experiment on him
Edit: this patient had no known diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. People can be stupid. Many are.
Edit 2: other stupid patients include: 1. had a guy come in to have his head measured for a hat he wanted to buy on Amazon. I referred him to Lids at the local mall. 2. Lady came in drunk 12 weeks pregnant. She thought that because she was young her body was able to reduce the teratogenic effects on the fetus.
Bill Swallow 14 hours ago
Sadly, she is also Stupid, and that will have a greater effect on the fetus.
#28
Not me, but my mother. One time someone came to her worried that there was a bump on his wrist.
It was the joint.
sturmwesen 18 hours ago
I once went to a cancer check up for my dog. One of three bumps I wanted them to check was... a muscle. Seems I never had such a muscular dog🤭
#29
I was a volunteer first aider for 10 years. I was on duty at a local judo competition. I was on edge as there was always at least one serious spinal injury. So i was walking around the mats, waiting for the call to rush in and help save someone.... and this woman starts screaming and crying. I ran over, as fast as i could. jumping over rows of chairs and ready to help!
She was screaming because her baby's first tooth had come through and she didnt know what to do... she asked me to cut out the rest of the teeth so that she didnt have to deal with teething anymore... Nope...
Marleina Hershberg 8 hours ago (edited)
DIOS MIOOOO I hope like crazy that someone sat down with her and helped her with a good conversation followed by recommendations for new parents (groups, etc). I'd hate to learn that mom took matters into her own hands (pulling teeth at home).
#30
Had a friend diagnosed with diabetes and advised to proceed immediately to the emergency room (not sure why, they let him drive). He stopped at McDonald's on the way.
EDIT: He went to the hospital bc another friend insisted after seeing him drink 2 gallons of water.
#31
This happened to a friend of mine when he was in training to become a paramedic. He was on a ride along, basically, and they had received a call where a woman fell down the stairs. They get to the address and knock on the door. The woman who called was inside folding clothes. Apparently she had been drinking on her medication. Twisted her ankle and called for an ambulance. So they asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. She's says yes, then proceeds to the fridge to poor "one more for the road.".
#32
Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist (eye doctor). He once told me that one of his patients came in utterly confused why the "medicine in his glasses no work anymore."
M O'Connell 2 hours ago
I'm almost certain this was cultural or language and not stupidity-related.
#33
Had a patient come into the ER with "very mild" abdominal pain. I asked when it started and he said "right now." He didn't have a coherent answer when I asked how he knew to come to the ER if his pain just started now. I still don't understand what brought him in. It was an all around odd encounter and he left pretty quickly; we didn't do anything for him.
On a side note, he complained about the wait. He waited 12 minutes after he checked in before I saw him. I checked the records, I'm not exaggerating. Literally 12 minutes.
#34
My friend is a doc ar the ER. She told me about a guy who came in and was blue all over his body. He was freaking out and trashing the place in pure panic. Turned out he had bought new, blue bed sheets and they colored him blue...
#35
One patient came in complaining from abdominal pain. Turns out she was pregnant and she gave birth that night.
#36
Once a patient came in to the ED because she'd tried to wax her underarms and the wax set. She couldn't get it off using hot water or soap, so thought sitting in an ED waiting room for 3 hours was a good idea.
I didn't look after her so cannot say if or how my colleague got the wax off, but everyone in the department heard about the triage note by the end of the shift.
#37
Not a doctor by a friend of mine by "mistake" took sleeping pills and pain pills instead of his blood pressure pills and kept complaining to the doctor how his blood pressure is getting worst!
#38
My girlfriend is a nurse. She had a diabetic patient who had circulation problems and decided to cut off his own foot instead of receiving treatment. He was treating it with sterile maggots for about two years before infection took his life.
#39
Had a obese 11 year old girl that we operated on but were having trouble extubating her because she was essentially too fat to breath while at all sedated. Her mom thought the problem was that she was hungry and wanted to come and put some fried chicken down the endotracheal tube.
#40
One evening in emerg I had a woman come in because she had a low blood sugar....yesterday. And she was totally fine now.
She was having unexplained episodes of low blood sugars and was being very appropriately worked up by her family doctor as an outpatient. But she had come to the hospital for her husband's appointment and decided she would "just drop in" to emerg to see if we could do anything else for her episode that had COMPLETELY RESOLVED. Frustratingly it was a very slow evening and she was seen within an hour.
#41
Physiotherapist here (so close enough).
I've had quite a few rather interesting patients, but one in particular still stands out.
I was in my final year of Uni, on my Musculoskeletal rotation, working in the hospital outpatient clinics. I'd read the file for the patient I was about to see, and there were a few yellow flags, but nothing bad enough to prevent me from treating him.
Anyway, I called the guy's name in the waiting room, and was greeted with one of the oddest looking people I've ever seen. This guy was at least 6'5", thin as a rake, balding on the crown with long, very thin, whispy white blond hair down to his shoulders. He was wearing a pink, sequin crop top, flared, but too short, jeans, crocs, and had a massive, zebra striped, full length fur coat. He looked like the pimp for the guys from The Darkness.
Anyway, this guy comes in, and I start going through my subjective with him. He's got a neck injury, but he's pretty vague on exactly what happened. Halfway through my subjective, he stops me and asks "Did you hear the moon last night?". I asked him to repeat what he'd said again, assuming that I'd misheard him. Nope. "Did you hear the moon last night?". I replied that I hadn't. He proceeded to tell me about how the moon had previously told him to cause the fairly recent Christchurch Earthquakes, and that it wanted him to do it again, but he wasn't sure because it hadn't gone over all that well last time.
I managed to move past that, and got into my objective. He had some restricted range in his upper cervical spine, and complained of some grinding, which was consistant with his older x-rays (basically fairly significant degenerative changes to his upper cx spine). I showed him a few exercises and stretches to be doing, which he was fine with, but he kept insisting that I manipulate his neck.
At the time, I wasn't really up to manipulating anyone's neck, as a physio student, but I certainly wasn't going to be doing it to someone who was convinced that the moon was talking them into creating natural disasters. Eventually he started getting a little agitated with my refusal, and when I refused again, he replied "You can't stop me, I'm too powerful!".
He kept repeating this every time I refused. At that point, my supervisor finally decided to intervene, and basically sent him away.
I've still never had a stranger patient; and I never did figure out how his being too powerful was supposed to lead into my inability to refuse to manipulate his neck.
#42
I'm an EMT and one of my patients went to the ER because they felt they had too much earwax in their ears and needed it removed.
#43
Not a doctor but an echo tech, we had a patient show up for his stress test drunk.
#44
Dude eats a snail off the ground for 10 bucks, gets sick, doesn't get seen for four days ends up being sepsis, comes to the hospital in a wheelchair because he's paralyzed due to the infection.
#45
Medical student, but I have seen a fair number of dumb people already in my first 6 months.
Young (20s) diabetic girl wasn't compliant with her treatment and all of the dialysis clinics in the city won't accept her anymore. Now she can't/won't go to the suburbs for her dialysis and will likely pass away within a few weeks, unless that changes. My advice: if your kidneys don't work, you should probably show up for your dialysis appointments.
Morbidly obese man was in the hospital after he fell, needed his edema, heart and lung problems to be treated. Insisted that he only needed help with his legs, started raising in his voice and refusing to answer questions because he said they weren't relevant. Then at the end of the interview he started complaining about his shortness of breath.
And then there's the psych patients but that seems like it doesn't count.
BarkingSquirell 3 hours ago
Again, saying psych patients are dumb is ruddy unprofessional and completely ignorant.
#46
Not a doctor but worked in an ER for several years. There was certainly a bit of cynicism that is probably prevalent in many similar settings. We'd get people bringing their kids in for hangnail or split ends on their hair (no, seriously)
The inverse, however, was that sometimes you could not be too cynical as it could have been a big deal in the end. I remember one time a Haitian family came in and most of the staff would roll their eyes when Haitians came in because their English was typically terrible and they would not be able to convey what was wrong (in most cases it was something like baby has sniffles or constipation -- not really emergencies.) This particular family brought a teen who claimed his eye hurt. Between the language barrier and the complaint, most people just shrugged and said, "yeah, ok whatever."
Turns out the kid got a CT scan that showed WORMS basically eating his brain. I don't remember the outcome but the doctors guessed it was poorly cooked pork. To be honest not sure if the kid even lived or not.
#47
Had someone come into hospital because they got their arm stuck in a wood shredder. I mean, it's a legit reason to go to hospital, but kinda stupid to be in that situation to begin with. I don't know much about wood shredding but even my instinct tells me not to put fleshy appendages in the dangerous bits.
What do you think ?
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