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There are many factors that dictate how a family manages its finances. One might have multiple incomes and be saving for a house, while another could be struggling with employment and focusing on paying off debt. The key is that everyone understand the situation and act in the household’s best interest. Or at the very least, they don’t sabotage each other.
However, as a recent story from the parenting forum Mumsnet shows, that’s not always the case. Last week, a user who goes by Marzipanface shared an emotional post, explaining why her husband’s actions around money have started to feel controlling and borderline manipulative. She asked people if they agreed or if they thought she was just being unreasonable.
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Family holidays allow people to relax and create lasting memories with their loved ones
Image credits: Elina Fairytale / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But this woman has gotten sick and tired of being homebound, and she blames her husband for it
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Marzipanface
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
For better or worse, money plays a big role in many relationships
With more and more Americans feeling financially constrained, 23% of all couples are primarily staying in their current relationships due to financial dependency, according to a report by LendingTree.
“Marriage is a union of love, but it’s also an economic arrangement, and we don’t think about the money part until there are issues and problems,” said Stacy Francis, a certified financial planner and the president and CEO of Francis Financial in New York.
There can be varying degrees of financial entanglements. About 62% of couples who are married, in a civil partnership, or living together share at least one account, LendingTree discovered, and 41% completely combine funds.
The expert says there’s generally not a right or wrong way for couples to manage their assets, as long as they are on the same page.
But as a baseline, Francis recommends “having yours, mine, and ours,” so each person has their own money in addition to a joint account.
Numbers also support this approach: 58% of those who share at least one bank account claim they stayed together after a financial argument, compared to 47% of those who don’t have a shared account.
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A controlling partner can harm us deeply
Some might even blame the author of the post for not “recognizing” her husband’s “true colors” earlier and marrying into such a controlling relationship.
However, Carol A. Lambert, MSW, who is a psychotherapist and domestic violence expert with three decades of clinical experience, says, “The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an ‘unknown’ perpetrator.”
“This favorable, even exciting, stretch can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.”
As the relationship progresses, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc.
Ending things isn’t as easy as snapping your fingers, either. It takes approximately 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time.
“False hope for the relationship always accompanies denial of the abuse that has taken place. When the abuse was acute, one [could] clearly feel how wrong, unfair, and outrageous the behavior was. But in the favorable shift, you can become ambivalent, rethink the episode, and might even be encouraged to own some part of your behavior that contributed to the abusive reaction,” Lambert adds.
“To unpack false hope, it’s critical to recognize and understand that your partner’s favorable behavior following their intense abuse is a manipulation to pull you back and reconcile. It’s critical to see this shift that instills hope as a manipulation.”
The psychotherapist said that being the recipient of abuse, especially coercion and psychological abuse, even without physical violence, causes PTSD. Whether or not this Mumsnet user is experiencing it, let’s hope she finds a way to escape the current limbo.
After reading the woman’s story, some people said she doesn’t deserve to go traveling
So, she provided more information on her predicament
The family conflict has received a lot of different reactions
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What do you think ?
Susie Elle 4 months ago (edited)
Why is everyone so focused on her want for a vacation, when someone is literally witholding getting passports from them?? Maybe this is a Euro thing but if my partner decided I can't get a passport/ID card, and I do not have driver's license, I literally cannot legally identify myself, that would be a serious issue, not only for me but for the government as well. It's about control, that much was obvious from the get-go.
Apatheist Account2 4 months ago
Agreed - if you don't drive, a passport is an extremely useful, and sometimes essential, form of id. In the UK it's the only other generally available and acceptable form of photo id (besides a bus pass, which are generally for the elderly). It's worth having even if you don't use it for travel.
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Verena 4 months ago
If one of the couple stays home to work the household and maybe caring for kids and pets, then this is their work. Otherwise the "breadwinner" aka "working for a third party" (be it an employer or customer of an own company) would need to spend a lot of money on shopping, cleaning, cooking, nursing, sitting staff. Calculate what these costs are, and pay the stay-at-home part that money. It is theirs, they earned it. Or grow up and live a normal relatiobship. The number of especially 50- women who still think the husband for whom they serve as domestic staff is the big boss, is alarming.
Crystalwitch60 4 months ago
This 60 yr old woman doesn’t. ! I’ve been the controlled wife , n before that the beaten wife , not going in to that again but , when I remarried for the 3rd time , n finally had my kids at 35-39 I stayed home with them , in day n worked in evening as a gym instructor , and in a pub , when the now ex husband was home , 🤷♀️I haven’t had still dint have nor ever will have a passport lol I live in uk , n my two kids didn’t have them as young kids 🤷♀️we didn’t need them , no desire to travel , I’m out in the sticks , my kids bought their own at 18 after working from 16 both of them ,now 21-24 but I will say this woman is being controlled , it took me 14 yrs to really see it n get out , !! so it’s not beyond reason that , she hasn’t noticed,before , more so with special needs kids , etc but no not many over 50,s think like that anymore we ain’t that bloody stupid ! Well not in uk we ain’t 🤷♀️
Load More Replies...
Susie Elle 4 months ago (edited)
Why is everyone so focused on her want for a vacation, when someone is literally witholding getting passports from them?? Maybe this is a Euro thing but if my partner decided I can't get a passport/ID card, and I do not have driver's license, I literally cannot legally identify myself, that would be a serious issue, not only for me but for the government as well. It's about control, that much was obvious from the get-go.
Apatheist Account2 4 months ago
Agreed - if you don't drive, a passport is an extremely useful, and sometimes essential, form of id. In the UK it's the only other generally available and acceptable form of photo id (besides a bus pass, which are generally for the elderly). It's worth having even if you don't use it for travel.
Load More Replies... Verena 4 months ago
If one of the couple stays home to work the household and maybe caring for kids and pets, then this is their work. Otherwise the "breadwinner" aka "working for a third party" (be it an employer or customer of an own company) would need to spend a lot of money on shopping, cleaning, cooking, nursing, sitting staff. Calculate what these costs are, and pay the stay-at-home part that money. It is theirs, they earned it. Or grow up and live a normal relatiobship. The number of especially 50- women who still think the husband for whom they serve as domestic staff is the big boss, is alarming.
Crystalwitch60 4 months ago
This 60 yr old woman doesn’t. ! I’ve been the controlled wife , n before that the beaten wife , not going in to that again but , when I remarried for the 3rd time , n finally had my kids at 35-39 I stayed home with them , in day n worked in evening as a gym instructor , and in a pub , when the now ex husband was home , 🤷♀️I haven’t had still dint have nor ever will have a passport lol I live in uk , n my two kids didn’t have them as young kids 🤷♀️we didn’t need them , no desire to travel , I’m out in the sticks , my kids bought their own at 18 after working from 16 both of them ,now 21-24 but I will say this woman is being controlled , it took me 14 yrs to really see it n get out , !! so it’s not beyond reason that , she hasn’t noticed,before , more so with special needs kids , etc but no not many over 50,s think like that anymore we ain’t that bloody stupid ! Well not in uk we ain’t 🤷♀️
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