Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
There are many factors that dictate how a family manages its finances. One might have multiple incomes and be saving for a house, while another could be struggling with employment and focusing on paying off debt. The key is that everyone understand the situation and act in the household’s best interest. Or at the very least, they don’t sabotage each other.
However, as a recent story from the parenting forum Mumsnet shows, that’s not always the case. Last week, a user who goes by Marzipanface shared an emotional post, explaining why her husband’s actions around money have started to feel controlling and borderline manipulative. She asked people if they agreed or if they thought she was just being unreasonable.
RELATED:
Family holidays allow people to relax and create lasting memories with their loved ones
Image credits: Elina Fairytale / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But this woman has gotten sick and tired of being homebound, and she blames her husband for it
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Marzipanface
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
For better or worse, money plays a big role in many relationships
With more and more Americans feeling financially constrained, 23% of all couples are primarily staying in their current relationships due to financial dependency, according to a report by LendingTree.
“Marriage is a union of love, but it’s also an economic arrangement, and we don’t think about the money part until there are issues and problems,” said Stacy Francis, a certified financial planner and the president and CEO of Francis Financial in New York.
There can be varying degrees of financial entanglements. About 62% of couples who are married, in a civil partnership, or living together share at least one account, LendingTree discovered, and 41% completely combine funds.
The expert says there’s generally not a right or wrong way for couples to manage their assets, as long as they are on the same page.
But as a baseline, Francis recommends “having yours, mine, and ours,” so each person has their own money in addition to a joint account.
Numbers also support this approach: 58% of those who share at least one bank account claim they stayed together after a financial argument, compared to 47% of those who don’t have a shared account.
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A controlling partner can harm us deeply
Some might even blame the author of the post for not “recognizing” her husband’s “true colors” earlier and marrying into such a controlling relationship.
However, Carol A. Lambert, MSW, who is a psychotherapist and domestic violence expert with three decades of clinical experience, says, “The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an ‘unknown’ perpetrator.”
“This favorable, even exciting, stretch can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.”
As the relationship progresses, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc.
Ending things isn’t as easy as snapping your fingers, either. It takes approximately 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time.
“False hope for the relationship always accompanies denial of the abuse that has taken place. When the abuse was acute, one [could] clearly feel how wrong, unfair, and outrageous the behavior was. But in the favorable shift, you can become ambivalent, rethink the episode, and might even be encouraged to own some part of your behavior that contributed to the abusive reaction,” Lambert adds.
“To unpack false hope, it’s critical to recognize and understand that your partner’s favorable behavior following their intense abuse is a manipulation to pull you back and reconcile. It’s critical to see this shift that instills hope as a manipulation.”
The psychotherapist said that being the recipient of abuse, especially coercion and psychological abuse, even without physical violence, causes PTSD. Whether or not this Mumsnet user is experiencing it, let’s hope she finds a way to escape the current limbo.
After reading the woman’s story, some people said she doesn’t deserve to go traveling
So, she provided more information on her predicament
The family conflict has received a lot of different reactions
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
Susie Elle 5 months ago (edited)
Why is everyone so focused on her want for a vacation, when someone is literally witholding getting passports from them?? Maybe this is a Euro thing but if my partner decided I can't get a passport/ID card, and I do not have driver's license, I literally cannot legally identify myself, that would be a serious issue, not only for me but for the government as well. It's about control, that much was obvious from the get-go.
Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
Agreed - if you don't drive, a passport is an extremely useful, and sometimes essential, form of id. In the UK it's the only other generally available and acceptable form of photo id (besides a bus pass, which are generally for the elderly). It's worth having even if you don't use it for travel.
Load More Replies...
Verena 5 months ago
If one of the couple stays home to work the household and maybe caring for kids and pets, then this is their work. Otherwise the "breadwinner" aka "working for a third party" (be it an employer or customer of an own company) would need to spend a lot of money on shopping, cleaning, cooking, nursing, sitting staff. Calculate what these costs are, and pay the stay-at-home part that money. It is theirs, they earned it. Or grow up and live a normal relatiobship. The number of especially 50- women who still think the husband for whom they serve as domestic staff is the big boss, is alarming.
Crystalwitch60 5 months ago
This 60 yr old woman doesn’t. ! I’ve been the controlled wife , n before that the beaten wife , not going in to that again but , when I remarried for the 3rd time , n finally had my kids at 35-39 I stayed home with them , in day n worked in evening as a gym instructor , and in a pub , when the now ex husband was home , 🤷♀️I haven’t had still dint have nor ever will have a passport lol I live in uk , n my two kids didn’t have them as young kids 🤷♀️we didn’t need them , no desire to travel , I’m out in the sticks , my kids bought their own at 18 after working from 16 both of them ,now 21-24 but I will say this woman is being controlled , it took me 14 yrs to really see it n get out , !! so it’s not beyond reason that , she hasn’t noticed,before , more so with special needs kids , etc but no not many over 50,s think like that anymore we ain’t that bloody stupid ! Well not in uk we ain’t 🤷♀️
Load More Replies...
🇺🇦 🇵🇸 TribbleThinking 5 months ago
CentreParcs is not cheap. You can go abroad for the same money or less. Therefore it's about the control, not the money. Put aside £20-40 a month. It soon adds up to the price of three passports. He doesn't want to holiday abroad, so doesn't want to facilitate you going without him.
Kyra Noelle 5 months ago
Why not just do one passport a month or every other month and skimp on groceries. Passports last at least 10 years. That way it isn't a big hit on the budget.
Sue Ellen 5 months ago
Not for minors. They only last 5 years. Also they can't be renewed. You have to start from scratch when they expire. At least in the US. I don't know about other countries.
Load More Replies...
Jaya 5 months ago
I am very concerned about "until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions". A stay at home parent works just as hard as a person working a paying job, if not harder. And even more if the kids have some special needs. If one person is taking care of the kids and the house, then both people ARE working and both people get an equal say about the big purchases.
Petra Peitsch 5 months ago
Khm, the OP is from UK. There a passport is 94,50 Pounds for an adult, and 61,50 Punds for children, if you apply online. So it's not about thousands in any money. I find it very unhealthy, if the OP is not allowed to spend 200 Pounds from the family income as she wants.
Load More Replies...
Cronecast AtTheRisingMoon 5 months ago (edited)
Okay, so if she can’t spend 200 quid on passports in one month, squirrel away 20 a month for ten months, because if she has to account for 20 a month it’s without question financial abuse. She needs ID and she also sounds like she needs a therapist because she’s convinced he isn’t financially a*****e but she can’t choose to spend that money without his approval. I do wonder if her kids can travel easily as she mentions the need to homeschool so the disruption might be an issue. He doesn’t sound like a monster but it’s beyond suspect that she doesn’t have ID, she needs a freaking passport even if she can’t learn to drive. But mostly she is refusing to look at the “he gets the final say in whether or not I have proper ID” as being a big old red flag. Ma’am he could drop dead tomorrow and you would need official identification to straighten out anything so save the extra money for your own id and then likely get some help because powerlessness in relationships almost always leads to emotional abuse.
Mike F 5 months ago
She needs a divorce lawyer, or whatever they call them where she is from.
Load More Replies... Tyke 5 months ago
She doesn't need a reason to get passports. Just because he's her husband and he brings in the money (as opposed to her who does an incredibly tough job with no salary or protection), doesn't mean he gets to dictate her freedom. Just so sad she doesn't even see this as financial abu5e. It is.
Susie Elle 5 months ago (edited)
Why is everyone so focused on her want for a vacation, when someone is literally witholding getting passports from them?? Maybe this is a Euro thing but if my partner decided I can't get a passport/ID card, and I do not have driver's license, I literally cannot legally identify myself, that would be a serious issue, not only for me but for the government as well. It's about control, that much was obvious from the get-go.
Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
Agreed - if you don't drive, a passport is an extremely useful, and sometimes essential, form of id. In the UK it's the only other generally available and acceptable form of photo id (besides a bus pass, which are generally for the elderly). It's worth having even if you don't use it for travel.
Load More Replies... Verena 5 months ago
If one of the couple stays home to work the household and maybe caring for kids and pets, then this is their work. Otherwise the "breadwinner" aka "working for a third party" (be it an employer or customer of an own company) would need to spend a lot of money on shopping, cleaning, cooking, nursing, sitting staff. Calculate what these costs are, and pay the stay-at-home part that money. It is theirs, they earned it. Or grow up and live a normal relatiobship. The number of especially 50- women who still think the husband for whom they serve as domestic staff is the big boss, is alarming.
Crystalwitch60 5 months ago
This 60 yr old woman doesn’t. ! I’ve been the controlled wife , n before that the beaten wife , not going in to that again but , when I remarried for the 3rd time , n finally had my kids at 35-39 I stayed home with them , in day n worked in evening as a gym instructor , and in a pub , when the now ex husband was home , 🤷♀️I haven’t had still dint have nor ever will have a passport lol I live in uk , n my two kids didn’t have them as young kids 🤷♀️we didn’t need them , no desire to travel , I’m out in the sticks , my kids bought their own at 18 after working from 16 both of them ,now 21-24 but I will say this woman is being controlled , it took me 14 yrs to really see it n get out , !! so it’s not beyond reason that , she hasn’t noticed,before , more so with special needs kids , etc but no not many over 50,s think like that anymore we ain’t that bloody stupid ! Well not in uk we ain’t 🤷♀️
Load More Replies... 🇺🇦 🇵🇸 TribbleThinking 5 months ago
CentreParcs is not cheap. You can go abroad for the same money or less. Therefore it's about the control, not the money. Put aside £20-40 a month. It soon adds up to the price of three passports. He doesn't want to holiday abroad, so doesn't want to facilitate you going without him.
Kyra Noelle 5 months ago
Why not just do one passport a month or every other month and skimp on groceries. Passports last at least 10 years. That way it isn't a big hit on the budget.
Sue Ellen 5 months ago
Not for minors. They only last 5 years. Also they can't be renewed. You have to start from scratch when they expire. At least in the US. I don't know about other countries.
Load More Replies... Jaya 5 months ago
I am very concerned about "until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions". A stay at home parent works just as hard as a person working a paying job, if not harder. And even more if the kids have some special needs. If one person is taking care of the kids and the house, then both people ARE working and both people get an equal say about the big purchases.
Petra Peitsch 5 months ago
Khm, the OP is from UK. There a passport is 94,50 Pounds for an adult, and 61,50 Punds for children, if you apply online. So it's not about thousands in any money. I find it very unhealthy, if the OP is not allowed to spend 200 Pounds from the family income as she wants.
Load More Replies... Cronecast AtTheRisingMoon 5 months ago (edited)
Okay, so if she can’t spend 200 quid on passports in one month, squirrel away 20 a month for ten months, because if she has to account for 20 a month it’s without question financial abuse. She needs ID and she also sounds like she needs a therapist because she’s convinced he isn’t financially a*****e but she can’t choose to spend that money without his approval. I do wonder if her kids can travel easily as she mentions the need to homeschool so the disruption might be an issue. He doesn’t sound like a monster but it’s beyond suspect that she doesn’t have ID, she needs a freaking passport even if she can’t learn to drive. But mostly she is refusing to look at the “he gets the final say in whether or not I have proper ID” as being a big old red flag. Ma’am he could drop dead tomorrow and you would need official identification to straighten out anything so save the extra money for your own id and then likely get some help because powerlessness in relationships almost always leads to emotional abuse.
Mike F 5 months ago
She needs a divorce lawyer, or whatever they call them where she is from.
Load More Replies... Tyke 5 months ago
She doesn't need a reason to get passports. Just because he's her husband and he brings in the money (as opposed to her who does an incredibly tough job with no salary or protection), doesn't mean he gets to dictate her freedom. Just so sad she doesn't even see this as financial abu5e. It is.
You May Like Man Owes $65K But Demands Sis Lend Him $15K More, SIL Has The Nerve To Snap When Woman Refuses Wife Reluctantly Agrees To Open Up Marriage, Watches As Her Husband Loses His Mind "I Was Completely Disowned": Man Confronts Parents Who Hired A PI To Track Him Down After 15 Years
Monika Pašukonytė
Indrė Lukošiūtė
Indrė Lukošiūtė
Related on Bored Panda
34
76