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Man Pushes Wife To Have Kids, Breaks Down After He’s Left As A SAH Dad Caring For Them
Both parents need to do their best to be involved in raising their children and support each other through the process. That includes changing their diapers, cooking, cleaning, remembering doctors’ visits, and a few dozen more things. However, some couples decide that it’s much more logical for one of them to become a stay-at-home parent while the other remains the primary breadwinner.
Internet user u/Obvious-Mistake-7801, a new mom and neurologist, asked the internet for advice after a huge argument at home. She shared how she lashed out at her husband after he suggested going back on his promise to be a stay-at-home dad. Scroll down to read the full story and to see how the r/AITAH community interpreted the situation. Bored Panda has reached out to the author, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
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Raising kids is no joke. Many new parents struggle to adapt to the massive changes that occur in their lives
Image credits: Vailery / Envato (not the actual photo)
One working mom turned to the internet for help after her husband broke down and admitted he doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home dad
Image credits: nd3000 / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Prostock-studio / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Obvious-Mistake-7801
Arguments don’t necessarily have to be a ‘bad’ thing. They can be healthy and help both partners tackle serious issues
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels (not the actual photo)
If someone decides to be a stay-at-home parent, more power to them! Having a family and raising kids can be extremely fulfilling and purposeful. But it really does matter that the parent does this willingly. They have to choose it.
Someone who’s forced into it, with little to no support, will likely end up resenting their partner in the long run. Especially if they have no experience.
It’s natural to have a tough time adapting to being a new parent. There are huge changes in your life. So, having a breakdown or accidentally lashing out at your partner is something that can happen. The important thing is that these don’t turn into habits and that they’re not the only way both partners communicate.
Emotions are raw. Everyone’s on edge. And couples argue. There’s nothing wrong with a good, healthy argument, so long as both people remember that they’re on the same team. Actually talking about these problems and getting them out in the open is far better than keeping them hidden where they fester. With that in mind, nobody should feel judged for being honest and vulnerable.
Although more dads do become stay-at-home parents, there’s still a certain stigma attached to this decision
Image credits: Ksenia Chernaya / Pexels (not the actual photo)
There is nothing objectively ‘wrong’ about being a stay-at-home dad. However, the BBC notes that despite becoming more popular, it’s still an unusual arrangement, and there’s still a stigma hovering overhead.
In the United States, 5.6% of families have working mothers and non-working fathers. Meanwhile, 28.6% have working fathers and non-working mothers.
Across the Atlantic in the European Union, the situation is even more clear-cut. “About one in 100 men pause their careers for at least six months for childcare, compared to one in three women,” the BBC writes.
According to Eurostat’s data, nearly 1 in 4 people interrupted their careers to take care of their children in the EU. Estonia has the highest share of people who interrupted their work for childcare reasons, standing at 38.7%. Meanwhile, in Denmark, it was only 14%.
Brendan Churchill, a sociologist and fatherhood researcher at the University of Melbourne in Australia, explained to the BBC that the male breadwinner model still lingers.
“It is reinforced daily in our culture. Think about the advertisements on television or in the newspaper that reinforce the nuclear family of four. “It also persists in our social policy frameworks, even though there’s been lots of change, our reference point is still that family of four with a male breadwinner.”
The result is that, in most countries around the world, paternity leave is still far less generous than maternity leave.
Every parent needs a support network, whether that’s their partner, family, friends, or hired help
Image credits: Pixabay / Pexels (not the actual photo)
There are no ‘perfect’ solutions if someone’s struggling to be a parent. Parenting, like everything else, is a skill. You build it up slowly, over time. But the support you get from your family and friends can be invaluable.
Having them babysit your child, even for a few hours, can help you take a nap, exercise, be social, work on your hobbies, or do anything that you need to in order to rest and recharge.
It’s also vital that you and your partner come up with a childcare system that works for both of you. For example, someone who is the primary breadwinner might end up doing fewer chores overall, but they could still pitch in to show that they’ve got their partner’s back.
Meanwhile, the parents could agree that they’d take care of the kids on their own for a while to give each other some time to be alone.
And if money isn’t an issue, hiring a full-time nanny, a part-time babysitter, or a housecleaner can take a lot of pressure off everyone’s shoulders.
At the end of the day, though, nobody’s life stops when they become a parent. It’s still possible to work, meet people, do hobbies, travel, etc. You can still do all the things that brought you joy before, but now, you’ll have to be more adaptable.
Many readers supported the mom’s position. Here’s their perspective
However, other folks had a slightly different take on what happened. Here are their thoughts
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What do you think ?
Hannah Taylor 1 year ago (edited)
I don't get all the YTA comments. At. All. Husband agreed to stay home with their daughter while OP worked; what's the problem? He couldn't hang out with the boys because he had to PARENT? He KNEW he didn't want to do it from the very beginning, and thought he could sweet-talk OP into WFH AND being a SAHM. He's full of it. I think by now OP'S figured out that the "condom break" was anything but accidental. (She may want to consider getting a tubal ligation, and/or have hubby get a vasectomy, to ensure against any more "accidents.") I hope she puts her foot down and lays down the law with this lazy àsshat. Working from home isn't happening. Period. He wanted a child, he agreed to stay home to raise her. He does not get to back out of the arrangement just because he doesn't like what it entails. OP may have to consider hiring a nanny for five days a week. She can personally screen them to find the best one for her daughter. But couples counseling us in order. That, or get a lawyer.
Lisa Barbeau 1 year ago
It really made no sense when one YTA brought up yelling at a post partum mother. She is the one who is still post partum not him. Meanwhile he’s getting a pass for just throwing in the towel and expecting her to deal with it.
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Hope Tirendi 1 year ago
For the idiot who said YTA for screaming at a stay at home parent who feels overwhelmed....he had HIS child for a WEEKEND!!! He deserves to be screamed at. Who feels "lonely" after 2 freaking days with their own child??? He messed with the condom (I'm convinced) since she wouldn't bow down to his wishes now he gets to deal with it. Actions meet consequences! Saw this coming from a mile away. Get a divorce and give him the majority of custody for the kid he just had to have to keep up with the Jones! If this were reversed and she baby trapped him all Hell would break loose.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
She went through nine months of pregnancy and labour just to please him, not to mention the postpartum recovery period. But HE can't step up? Good gawd!
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Ellinor 1 year ago
I don't think she is the a*****e. Sure she shouldn't have screamed at him, but being a woman in this world is hard, people excpect you to have children and then to give up everything for them. She didn't wanted that and was very clear, and now even if she wants her husband to remain a SAHD at the end of the day he does what he wants with his life, so she must feel so trapped... Because there is not many happy endings : 1) he agrees to stay SAHD ad is unhappy, 2) she quit her job and will be unhappy and 3) they divorce and if they share custody she will be all alone 1 week on 2 and will be unhappy.
Suzie 1 year ago
Her husband couldn't hack it for one weekend. Do you think he's going to want shared custody where he has to do it all during his custody time?
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Melissa Neubauer 1 year ago
He thought once the baby was here she would magically decide to stay home! He’s an untrustworthy husband. She knew what she wanted, was very clear about it and he decided what he wanted was more important.
Rowboat 1 year ago
I'd bet money that he also feels insecure that she's the breadwinner in the family and that's why he wants to force her into being a SAHM. Guys like this will do anything possible to tear their partner down to their level.
Load More Replies... Suzie 1 year ago
Her husband wants to quit after one weekend. That's c**p. He hasn't even really tried to live up to his promise. Does he think moms have it all figured out after their first weekend alone with their babies? Quitting after one weekend? Give me a break!
Joanne Earle 1 year ago
Honestly I agree with the woman in this. She didn't want to have a baby, esp not now with her medical career taking off. She makes way more money than he does. She wanted to adopt from foster care. So he sabotages the condom, knocks her up, and now expects her to give up her career when they had an agreement that HE would stay home and care for the kid? No. Just no.
Sharon Bee 1 year ago
APPLAUSE!! She was manipulated from the very start.
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Susan Schlee 1 year ago
Sounds like "daddy" just figured out how hard it is to play "mommy"! If men carried a baby to term and had to birth it, this cr*p would have never come up.
Alicia Bobcheck 1 year ago
ReapingRed Sanguis: Men could have a support system if they wanted but they don't create those for themselves. It turns out that if you don't foster relationships then you often become lonely and don't have anyone to turn to if you need help. I'm pretty sure there are better solutions for loneliness than breaking your promise to care for your child and endangering your partner's career, no?
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Kate Johnson 1 year ago
How surprising! Another man that is entirely overwhelmed by taking care of one little baby. I bet if she had stayed home, he'd be telling how easy it is. At this point it seems a nanny is the best bet. Then she at least limits the "strangers" around the kid. But hubby would be in the doghouse for the foreseeable future, and I'd be reconsidering the relationship, because he basically conned me and then proved he was entirely unreliable. Giving up after one difficult weekend. What a complete and utter wimp! It would be hard to respect him much after that. So I don't know if the marriage would survive. Which would be ironic, because then he'd get the kid by himself half the time! LOL!!!!
Luke Oakridge 1 year ago
Your comment started out kind of sexist. There are plenty of women who struggle to take care of babies as well.
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Upstaged75 1 year ago
My brother stayed home with his son for the first 16 months. His wife made more money so it made sense. It wasn't always easy, but it's not rocket science. I can't believe the dude who really wanted a baby (and probably broke the condom on purpose) couldn't even handle ONE weekend alone with his own child! The obvious solution is to hire a nanny. I used to be a professional nanny and it was a great situation for the parents. I treat every kid like they're my own and love them just as much. You just have to find the right person for your family. And don't cheap out on it! Hire someone experienced and pay them what they're worth. Your kid deserves it.
Ru Bee 1 year ago (edited)
Why would a doctor not take the morning after pill when the condom broke?
Cassandra Reese 1 year ago
She may have misspoke saying it "broke". More than likely it just failed, as they can do without any physical signs until you find out you are pregnant.
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Hphizzle 1 year ago
Full or part time nanny and nanny cams, solid legally binding contracts to protect all involved. There are work arounds. Sounds like they could afford a good nanny, too.
Tabitha 1 year ago (edited)
Nope, MANNY. No cute little nanny for him to decide to WFH to “supervise”. No way. Big, ugly manny. That’s the way to go.
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Wendy Herman 1 year ago
Her spouse is a manipulative liar (that condom breakage was NO accident), He's also a *Big Wuss*. I quite my job (at my husband's insistence) & stayed home w/ Baby #1 for 9 mos. It was a Joy to spend more time w/ her. But we still needed my income, so she went to daycare & I resumed my old job. After another 2 years, I'd worked my way up into a mgmt role. Suddenly, he wanted Baby #2. So, I did it again, b/c family comes 1st. Then, towards the end of my 12-wk maternity leave, he insisted I quit my job b/c, in his mind, I couldn't be a "good Mom" w/o being a SAHM. Truth was, I was So Tired of coming home from work to do the "2nd shift" (b/c housework is for "chicks", ya know 🙄), it was easier to raise our kids myself than work for daycare $$ & then do housework till bedtime every night. But he still wanted me to earn income. So, 1 mo. post-partum from a C-section, still healing & full of hormones, I started a home-based daycare. Took classes through the county, joined a USDA grant program, found clients. I LOVED it (although I realize it's not for everyone)! I spent each day in sweats, no make-up, being chauffeur/chef/study-buddy/nurse/etc. & meeting the needs of my own kids + 4 others whom I Adored. I even had time enough to keep a nice, clean home while getting more rest (even if it wasn't perfectly tidy until the last client left around 7pm). After a decade of marriage, including 6 years of what I'd thought was a happy enough family life, my "macho" husband left me for the much younger gal he'd been secretly seeing, during the 3x a week he'd said he was "going to the gym". His reasoning/excuse? I'd apparently grown "boring, predictable & non-spontaneous" (his very words), by giving in to his demands & doing All I needed to do to raise happy, healthy kids w/o asking him for much assistance at all. That was 25 years ago & it's all worked out for the best. After divorcing my beyond-insecure ex, I got years of therapy (to undo the conservative programming from my childhood, which led me to pick my 1st spouse) & eventually found a Real Man - one secure enough to love his 2 now-grown step-kids the same as if he'd created them. Decades later, he still keeps us all giggling daily & feeling cherished. My ex called him a "beta" but that's So Much More Enjoyable than being stuck w/ a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, lol! This woman's husband reminds me of my ex. Her dude couldn't hack 1 wknd w/ his own kid, even *w/o* the added complication of wacky hormones & stitches in his nether region? I call B.S. Either they shouldn't have had children (b/c she's already married to one!) OR he's somehow "diminished" by the fact she out-earns him & is looking to TRAP her financially, even if it leaves them far poorer financially. What happens when he tires of being the *sole* breadwinner, or decides she's not earning enough, like she used to BEFORE he broke his promises??? Will he change his mind again - perhaps about marriage or parenthood itself? Once that financial abuse starts, it opens the door to other abuses (like cheating, or worse). There's NO way to make a broken man feel secure (only he can to that by seeking professional help & participating in the healing process, to the point that he doesn't need to "own" anyone). Giving guys like that too much "Power" by setting aside our own dreams/goals/aspirations - when POWER is their Top motivation (rather than their family's health, happiness or needs) only assures they'll misuse it. She'll be Far Happier, someday, IF she cuts him loose now, retains primary custody (after all, he can't even handle 1 wknd as a solo parent!), and gets a nanny she can trust. That nanny (esp w/ cameras) will be far more trustworthy than the selfish little insecure boy to whom she's currently married. She can chalk it up as a learning experience, move forward, & raise a strong daughter who'll be able to spot a misogynist in sheep's clothing. (Mom can teach her what to watch out for w/o mentioning Dad at all. That way, whatever relationship he has w/ his own kid will rely solely upon the time & attention he invests in it. If he doesn't, THEN Mom can explain to her little girl how some people might look like adults w/o truly qualifying as such. And find another partner who'll do a better job). Those "YTA" folks in the comments? I'm betting they're either a bunch of hairy boys, Terrified of strong, capable women who make more $ than they do. Or, perhaps they're incels who'll jump on Any opportunity to disrespect the gals who Won't Touch them for any reason. They might also be unhappy "Trad Wives", raised via Stockholm Syndrome to destest their own gender while supporting what brings them misery & constant inequity. I feel sorry for those gals, but they *can* break those chains, like I did, if they have enough gumption. We gals CAN "have it all" - career, kids, family, friends, etc. - but there will always be trade-offs involved & priorities to shuffle. Those responsibilities are so much easier to navigate, though, w/ a helpful mate who believes in Fairness & Respect. It takes 2 adult partners to make it work. Sadly, this poor gal appears to be the *only* adult in her home. I wish her freedom from indentured servitude to a sub-par guy who doesn't deserve her at all. And a happy life as a single doc w/ a great nanny & a healthy, contented, emotionally secure child. There are so many ways to be a happy family today, thank Heavens!
Wendy Herman 1 year ago
(Sorry for the "book". I wish BP at least allowed for paragraphs).
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Charlie 1 year ago
Don't even read the YTA comments because it's so clear this guy tampered the condom, convinced u to keep her, that he'll stay at home (not working) because he planned u d provide everything right. Sort of like a sugar mamma. Don't matter the age. BUT his plan backfired in one weekend so u can see clearly who he really is. This is a reality check for u. This man will never have ur back. He's only thinking about himself.
Melissa anderson 1 year ago
What’s he complaining about? Is he too weak of a man to take care of his own child? If he can’t do it, why would he expect his wife to? The hypocrisy of men when it comes to taking care of the house and child is off the charts.
The Starsong Princess 1 year ago
He’s discovered that looking after a baby is actually work and his plan for never working again has been thwarted. She needs a nanny and a divorce.
Aurora Selene Silverthorne 1 year ago
The condom didn't break. The husband tampered with it to trap OP into having a child he knew she didn't want and wasn't ready for. He's scum. She ought to divorce him and file for full custody if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain they agreed to. He probably resents her for making more money than he does and wants to ruin her career so she'll be financially dependant on him. If he can't handle one weekend with his own kid, but expects OP to sacrifice everything to do it, he's a loser. She needs to take the baby and run as fast and as far away from him as possible before serving him some well-earned divorce and custody papers.
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
He would love for her to get full custody. He'd also get spousal support, depending on the state. How does this solution get her anything she wants?
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Celesta 1 year ago
For those ridiculing OP for not taking more precautions for birth control, please go to the post, and her profile/comments and she explains. She can't be on regular BC due to side effects, and normally she makes him pullout WITH a condom, for extra security, but occasionally he "isn't fast enough" and that time just so happened to be when the condom broke (yeah, right, even OP is now suspicious of that).
Momma Jess 1 year ago
Ya know, if an infant was too difficult after two days maybe he shouldn't be a parent...Different situation from the OP I know, but after a bad experience dating a woman with teenage twins I'd decided I wasn't ever going to date someone with a child again. Theeeeen a few years later I met a woman with a special needs son. Guess who he's usually with? Not his daddy, that's for sure. His mom works in an office, I work from home, survey says, ME. It's hard, and it's overwhelming, and yeah sometimes you don't get the help you need even from your partner, and it can get lonely and isolating being the "primary caregiver" but HE didn't ask to be BORN, he didn't do anything wrong, and it's the adults' jobs to figure it out. Your life isn't just yours anymore when there's a child involved, biological or blended.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
She has every right to be angry. Dad needs to step up. But they have the money, hire people to do the non childcare stuff. Hire someone to clean, order shopping online, adjust your expectations for meals. If he's not doing laundry, shopping and cleaning, surely he can watch a child full time. But why should she give up her career when he won't give up his? His and is an AH. Did he think babies were easy?etnhim struggle through for a while. He should try it, not just panic. If it's still bad in a few months, try making changes. But one panic attack before being a SAHP shouldn't change things.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
The problem in the marriage, now, is that she knows she can never trust him to keep his word. The marriage is damaged by this - it's no longer a problem that simply needs a solution. This has damaged the relationship, and if it were me, I would never trust him, either with the child, or in the future when, say, someone gets sick or hurt, he will not step up 'because it's too hard'.
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Ann-Marie LA 1 year ago
Who here hasn't figured out the money part yet? Of course that condom did not "break", and she said clearly she makes 3x more money than him. He WANTS her to divorce him and he WILL HAVE custody of his daughter. All of this is about money - he's going to get spousal support AND child support. OP, you're NTA but dumb for trusting this guy to strap up correctly and even more so for not taking birth control pills, knowing full well you don't want children ...
Pandroid Rebellion 1 year ago
Her husband is a total loser. I feel sorry for the kid. I know what it feels like to be loved but not really wanted. It sucks. He did this on purpose assuming she would change her mind. It is pretty blatant.
ERMAHGERD DINOSAURS 1 year ago
Considering I am absolutely certain that AH broke the condom on purpose, every other part of the argument is virtually irrelevant. He baby trapped her. I think she should divorce him immediately and get a nanny for her 50% custody. The audacity of this man child is staggering.
SnowWhite 1 year ago (edited)
All the YTAH comments are projecting. Why bother answering if you're gonna get all triggered? This has NOTHING to do w/what women have been doing or even daycare. Although OP was very clear on why not. This issue is her agreeing to have the baby & he agreeing to stay home. After one weekend, ONE, he gave up. Says a lot about him. He didn't say it was harder than he thought & wanted to look into how to make it work. He wanted HER to stay home. Of course she didn't mean to imply she didn't love her baby. She was speaking of the agreement they made. I'd slap with with a smelly fish and divorce him. I bet there was no prenuptial and if she makes 3x more as she claimed, I bet her cries he gave up his job for all of this. I'd pay for a bad *ss lawyer to bring light that maternity leave was not even over for her. He wanted her to extend it and it is he who tapped out. So tech what happened was he quit his job to be a sahd and bc he broke the agreement it is HE who is at fault.
Parmeisan 1 year ago
I know that OP has trust issues with daycares and potentially also nannies, but at this point I think she should have trust issues with her husband, too. He's shown he can't be trusted in any way, shape or form. You're better off hiring a nanny than leaving that man alone with your baby.
Libstak 1 year ago
He needs to discuss his issues in a parent group and with a nurse, surely there are nurses where you are that provide advice on these issues? It's one weekend, it gets easier but having a nanny for 4 to 6 hours a day would help him adjust too and should be considered.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
What's to discuss? He reneged and thought wifey would fall all over herself with maternal feelings and change her mind. Quite frankly, a guy who thinks women are so narrow and stereotypical in their feelings is a smooth-brained idiot not worth keeping.
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Heather Coyle 1 year ago
As a patient of a neurologist myself I completely side with the wife on this one especially since he was the one who pushed for the baby in the first place
Sel Wittebane 1 year ago
Seems to me that he thought having a baby would change her into what he wanted. He figured she would just throw every part of her life away and she'd become his little housewife. If he can't be left alone for one weekend with the baby HE wanted so badly without breaking down, then he wasn't fit to be a father.
Boblawblaslawblog 1 year ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one that read "condom broke" as code speak for "husband sabotaged birth control by poking needles through the condoms bought in a sketchy discount store going out of business clearance bin". Sounds sus.
nancy 1 year ago (edited)
I did NOT enjoy my maternity leave, and felt very isolated and alone. I wish I had known someone else on mat leave at the same time (all of my friends were childless). I can empathize with him. I managed to stay home for 10 months before opting for day care (at that point my child was 20 months old, 10 months old when adopted) and she absolutely loved it. Putting a child in daycare is so good for their social development, and I would opt to do it at 11-12 months if I had a newborn. Staying home may be torture for you, but it's sometimes necessary. I hated it so much that I opted to not have anymore children (unless my husband was willing to stay home, which he wasn't)
KatSaidWhat 1 year ago
If, as a woman, you don't want children, you go on your own contraception to make sure a condom doesn't fail and you end up pregnant. And maybe don't tell your partner who is pressing you for a child. They need to have a calm talk about their future as both parents and partners.
Alicia Bobcheck 1 year ago
You're right. Women should definitely not trust their partners.
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SuperNovaToiletClog 1 year ago
I'm betting there were other deep-seated issues going on in the marriage before this happened. Or the husband is just an AH. Or both.
BluEyedSeoulite 1 year ago
As a stay at home mom, I get the dad breaking down. My babies were really easy, clingy but easy. My niece had colic and it was a nightmare for us all (older sis was a teen mom, we all helped). Plus, if mom has been doing most of the work until now, baby will still primarily want mom. Babies communicate by crying. They cry A LOT. Dad needs to suck it up. No takes backsies. The gender of the parent doesn't matter, it's understandable that the new primary caregiver is going to be stressed and freaking out. I'm sure he's sleep deprived too. They both need to calm down and figure it out. Maybe they should hire a cleaning service and worst case scenario a nanny they can trust.
Mona 1 year ago
This shouldn't be a question of AITA. The woman and her husband had a baby. The baby is a pipsqueaking nine weeks old. The husband had to take care of the pipsqueak for a whole weekend by himself, with no breaks in the evening. He was overwhelmed with the very real, very heavy responsibility of caring for a fragile baby by himself, and so he changed his mind. There's a conversation to be had, rather than ranting on reddit — especial AITA! Talk to your husband about his emotions — rather than just accusing him of going back on his deal, acknowledge that the reality of a baby is very different than what he might have thought it would be. Talk about possible support systems. Also, talk about the possibility of entering childcare sooner — a childcare center with multiple adults present at all times isn't going to be an unsafe place to have your baby cared for. I absolutely loved our childcare center, I never had any doubt that the teachers cared deeply for each child under their care.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
He's broken trust in his partner that he will ever step up with any exigencies they face. How do you repair that? He's shown her that he is not to be trusted to do what he says he will do. It's not a case of being overwhelmed over a period of months - which I could understand - but he caved after a WEEKEND while she was still home to look after the baby!
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Aline Vargas 10 months ago
Don't have children because someone is pressing you, even if that person is your husband. Never rely on men to do birth control.
Jessie TeWinkel 1 year ago
If both parents are so firmly set in not wanting to care for the child, have they considered adopting her out? It's not fair to raise her in an atmosphere where the SAHP is deeply resentful of her and the time she is taking away from their lives.
Cara Jakel 1 year ago
NTA Wow she is only 9 weeks and he feel trapped and alone. Poor him. Yea that condom didn't magically break he tampered with it. There is no way I would allow him to be the primary care giver till she in preschool. That's 4 or 5 years from now and if he's giving up when she is stationary all day...I shudder to think how inept he'll be when she's a toddler running away from him all day. Let him get his job back, hire a nanny use a reputable service and then get a lawyer and divorce him. He is a liar and untrustworthy. I have always said: "Just because you can have children doesn't mean you should. Having children isn't a right, it's a privilege. Far too many people don't realize this." I'm so sorry your husband did this to you. Please think long and hard before letting him remain the SAH parent. A live in nanny is expensive, but you are in a position to afford it. Heck if you keep him around instead of kicking him to the curb, his salary should more than cover a live in nanny.
wize- akerPBA 1 year ago
He's the a**hole, and probably tampered with condom. So many red flags, here. He had her ONE WEEKEND and "couldn't hack it" as a healthy male who is NOT going through the physical/emotional aftermath of childbirth??? Get recommendations, from people you know, for a nanny, and use cameras. ... and consider being a single mom. So many red flags, from the get-go.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
Find an adoption agency that lets you screen adoptive families. I have a close friend who did this. It's an open adoption but contact is up to the adoptive parents. Problem solved.
Caroline Graf 1 year ago
NTA. The people who said Yta are completely unreasonable. Besides all the suspicions about the condom and the agreement they made previously, the husband is completely out of his mind. He was with the baby alone for a weekend. A damn weekend. Considering OP mentioned she was 9 weeks old, of course it might have still been rough if they have been together as couple the entire time. The first few months are always more difficult since the baby needs to get used to constant rhythms of sleep and other. So that he is fcked up because he had to wake up 3-5 times at night without another helping hand, surely makes a guy loose it. But that's just how it is. Suck it up. After a few months in the baby will start sleeping through the night and the day will have a set routine. I know both are freshly backed parents here, but they are both being short sighed. It won't be that difficult for the next two years.
Sinners1978 1 year ago
And once again the YTA are just stupid. I think all those YTA are incels that think a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant. Also she is NTA. I'm honestly sus about the condom breaking and then 1 weekend and the husband wants to change the deal? Nope I think in this case she got baby trapped. I say hire a nanny, the husband gets a job and then she divorces his a*s.
Melissa Harris 1 year ago (edited)
As a physician she didn't do a very good job at using birth control. No one method is 100% guaranteed for 100% of the time. Condoms do fail (or be sabotaged). The pill requires proper consistency. If she didn't want to become pregnant and was sexually active then she and hubby should have been using TWO overlapping methods of contraception:the pill or an IUD as well as condoms. She's a doctor and should know this.😮💨 She should hire a nanny through a qualified service and put in a few cameras. I think she should seriously think about separation. The likely hood that the condom "broke", while possible, is just to convenient in timing.
Sharon Bee 1 year ago
For me, it's that she was absolutely clear she didn't want a bio child, and he pressured her, then the condom "broke" once and bam ... bio baby. He manipulated her, plain and simple. They had already discussed it and reached a compromise. I would definitely get my tunes tied, find a nanny, and get ready for him to be an a*hole for the next 18 years or more.
Jean Horton 1 year ago
Get a nanny , start looking and interviewing ASAP and find one You feel is a right fit, there are many qualified and trustworthy nanny agencies,
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago (edited)
She doesn't want child care until her child can communicate in case of abuse
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AngelWingsYT 1 year ago
Really convinced he broke it to have the baby he wanted. He even talked her out of an abortion....
Giraffy Window 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah that condom didn't break. he stealthed on her to baby trap her. Also I am struggling not to pin a lot of ire on the man in the title photo. I KNOW he's not the guy from this story, but he is the guy representing the guy in this story... My head just won't agree to his innocence in all this.
Shadowed Pokefan 1 year ago
The people saying op is the AH aren't right granted it's not ok to yell at your spouse but the guy had the kid for 2-3 days max by himself does taking care of a small infant take a lot of work yes but that doesn't mean you give up after 3 days I bet he was hoping wifey dear would want to prolong her maternity leave which isn't fair he already knew she didn't want kids yet kept pushing and pushed to keep the baby honestly I suggest some sort of part time caretaker some older woman or man they'd trust get cameras and possibly looking into getting a tubal ligation or bilateral salpingectomy to prevent more broken promises but that's just my opinion
Ash 1 year ago
I think the commenter who smelled a rat had a good point: the condom ACCIDENTALLY broke? It's just now time for her to go back to work and NOW he can't handle being a SAHD and it's her job? HE had a terrible time being a SAHP but he isn't worried that SHE will? Beginning to wonder if he planned this....
Christos Arvanitis 1 year ago
NTA but she referred to the child several times as "his child". I feel bad for the kid to be honest. They shouldn't have had this kid.
Susan Schlee 1 year ago
That's why I think people who choose to NOT have kids should be given an award, because they chose NOT to bring an UNWANTED child into the world.
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Jay Cee 1 year ago
Ah, the broken condom! Not proud of it but I had a LOT of s'x in my 20s - never once had a broken condom or caught an STI - he played you like a trout my dear make him stick to his side of the bargain and, to prevent another "broken" condom, get him to have the snip! Tell him he's lucky he wont have to cope with teething and a 4 week menstrual cycle. Sorry it got this far, we're not all of us that bad, honest.
Phillip Shepard 1 year ago
I'm an MD. There is no way she can have a neurology practice at home. That branch of medicine requires physical contact with the patient to do a neurological exam, check eye movements, reflexes, sensation to touch, muscle strength and coordination. This guy must be really incompetent if he can't look after one child for a week. He is not father or husband material. Get counselling, a nanny or a divorce lawyer.
Coffeemama05 1 year ago
He’s the a$$ hole. I was a stay at home mom to three kids for 20 years and let me tell you it wasn’t luxurious. And all three kids are on the spectrum. So anything other than school with an IEP program wasn’t going to happen. It was hard. Some good days, a lot of bad days. Tons and tons of specialists. I remember sometimes 5 a week plus meetings at their schools. It was his idea and now you’re technically trapped but I’m wondering if you’d consider a nanny and your husband is a wuss
Vicki Parslow Stafford 1 year ago
The whole story sounds suspicious. She loves her job, didn't really want a child but dreamed about adopting, and was relying on condoms for birth control? The pair of them are idiots.
Featherking 1 year ago (edited)
Whoa. You better grow a fuϲking pair, boys, if you start píssíng and moaning after 48 goddamned hours of exactly what you wanted. What an utter twat.
sweetrottenpeaches 1 year ago (edited)
Actually I think these two should never have had children.
Sarah Matsoukis 1 year ago
Hire a nanny to help him and go to work, if he doesn't stop bitching make him a single dad.
Tereza Cervenakova 1 year ago
He wanted a baby. He got the kid in a questionable way. He wanted to be sahp. And after 48 Hours he throws the towl into the ring? Haha... Get used to new routine, learn how to take care of the kid, figure out sleeping schedules, find someone in the area to go out on walks with and you'll be fine. The beginings are tough, but things settle down into a managable routine...
Roberta Surprenant 1 year ago
I don't believe the broken condom was accidental. If she wants to stay married, find a trusted nanny.
Julie Walker 1 year ago
Condoms break all the time. He will get used to it being at home it’s so hard in the beginning especially for babies and most guys I know do know how to respond to babies needs. She should ask him to keep at it. You don’t quit your job because of one bad day and this is his job now. It’s really really hard and there are no breaks and your freedom is gone but it’s the best for baby under the circumstance. Give him a chance. He need time and help.
kool mudkips 1 year ago
ESH! He is going back on a deal he made. However, children can be much more needy and stressful than people can possibly anticipate before ever having children. He thought he could handle it and is quickly seeing he can not. You can not just force him to do this. He is reaching out for help. Situations like this are where babies get hurt (Shaken baby syndrome) if someone doesn't help and he is feeling trapped, frustrated, and angry. If a woman were reaching out saying she couldn't handle it, there would be a mountain of support. He deserves the same. I remember being a SAHM to babies. It was a lot. He didn't just become a SAHD he also quit his job and that is a big change. She totally sucks for not dealing with her trauma properly and putting demands on the table that make life worse for them all. A nanny or good daycare could solve ALL of these problems. It is not healthy to just decide no one is trustworthy because you have been traumatized. She needs counseling.
Karen Bird 1 year ago (edited)
My sons dad was his primary care giver - we weren't together - from the age of about 5. He was just out there living his best life. I always made sure there was enough money for fun activities together and even brought him on holidays with us etc. He did this by maintaining a social life with his friends combined with his parenting duties. He either needs to sack up and put his big boy pants on or pay for a nanny and nanny cams installed throughout the house. If one weekend broke him, I'm not sure I'd feel safe trusting him with my infant tbh.
Your Mom 1 year ago
He made a decision and now he feels bad from the consequences. This happens sometime in human life. He wanted the child, the wife told what she wants beforehand. So he's full responsible, and has to stay at home with the child. That's it. If you make a decision, you have to bear the consequences.
FlyingKiwi 1 year ago
NTA. Husband is absolutely TA and also an idiot. How did he get to be an adult and not know that parenting was hard work, particularly for infants? If everyone here is acting in good faith (and they may not be), he's feeling overwhelmed - which is fair, and she's feeling betrayed and fearful - which is fair. However; if the marriage is to last, and the child is to be cared for, shouting at him to do better isn't going to help! They need to think together about other solutions. Can she pay for some extra help in the home during this first year eg; would it help to have someone cook and deliver all the meals for the week nights? Would she be willing to dial back her hours for a few months to find a new balance at home? Is there training he can get? (I'd pay for a live in nanny for two months to train him if I were in her shoes). Oh yeah, also some couple's counselling.
Shanna Champnoise 1 year ago
It's ludicrous to think OP is wrong. Her husband made whatever promises he had to to get her to have this baby and he folds after one weekend. He sounds weak and if he can't man up and at least try for several months I'd divorce him since it sounds like she'll be going it alone anyways. I don't think I could look at him the same.
Max Fox 1 year ago
I don;t think that either are A-holes, unless he tampered with the condom (they don't break easily, but they do slip off after coitus). Still, screaming at her husband isn't helpful. If he can't be a SAHD, then he can't. Plenty of women also realize that it's not what they wanted after they have a kid. I don't think that anybody here would claim that a woman who realized that she isn't cut out for being a SAHM is an A-hole. Since neither have the capability for being a SAH parent, they need to discuss Plan B. Either a nanny or daycare. Those are the best choices for the kid as well.
J L 1 year ago (edited)
So so so fake. Get this...lady is a neurologist (they make at least 200k+), man is in Marketing (easy 60-65k or more)....are you telling me they can't afford a live-in nanny? Or even just a nanny who comes in 8hrs/day? Live-in nanny is roughly 36k-50k annual. Yes the nanny is a "stranger" but with hubby supposedly WFH...no biggie he can check in every now and then. Which leads me to conclude this whole tale is hogwash!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
In all likelihood the sexual abuser OP alluded to was not a stranger. Her stipulation that the child should be able to clearly communicate and raise alarm before being cared for by someone other than the parents is reasonable, and was accepted by the husband as a condition of keeping the baby.
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Toaster Teostra 1 year ago
Tbh I'd go with ESH here. Both hubby and OP are acting up here as if they were fighting over a playstation. I'm so sorry for that poor Kid.
Spence Hill 1 year ago
Unfortunately, it really doesn't matter what the previous discussion was. There is now a child in the home. What is most important for that child? That is the point to discuss. I see four solutions 1, dad stays home like he promised. 2 mom stays home. 3, nanny or daycare and 4 divorce. Which of those four options are best for the child?
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
Actually, the previous discussion still stands. Period. She did not want a bio child and considered adoption, especially since her career was starting out and she made it ➡️PERFECTLY ⬅️ clear that if a child came into the picture, she was ➡️NOT⬅️ ending her career. Cue (sus) pregnancy and talked out of abortion by husband with the deal HE MADE that he would stay home to care for the child. That time comes and more than 48hrs later, ONE weekend, he's throwing in the towel. He needs to suck it up. HE wanted a child, HE got his wish.
Load More Replies... John W 1 year ago
So I'm a doctor, have been a SAHD, have been to medical conferences, and have very unintentionally broken multiple condoms... and I don't see anyone who has to be the AH here. Anyone saying that the breaking condom was intentional is operating off pure speculation. Obviously if he did, then he's the AH and there's little chance this marriage has any chance. Or any other rationship of his. But 50% of pregnancies in America are unplanned, not the result of Machavellian schemes. Assuming it was just a mistake, then it's pretty understandable that after 48-72 straight hours with no help, he might be exhausted and overwhelmed. And then overreact, which is what exhausted overwhelmed people do. Then wife gets home, having had fun doing career stuff, finally gotten a break from baby, and husband says he can't hack it. She starts feeling it all slip away, gets overwhelmed, and starts yelling. Pretty normal for two new parents of a 9 week old yo be exhausted and not at their best...
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
That's nice. However, seeing as she made it clear that she didn't want bio children and only kept the pregnancy because of the deal HE made for when the child ➡️THAT HE WANTED⬅️ was born, he gets no slack for trying to throw in the towel. Hello actions, meet consequences.
Load More Replies... BoredPangolin 1 year ago
To be honest, I feel that making plans about what you're going to do AFTER you have kids is sort of pointless. It seems so easy. And then baby is born, and unless you have one those unicorns who sleep most of the time, you're having the hardest time of your life. Don't have kids if you're not ready to adjust to a new, unknown life.
Alison Shanahan 1 year ago
Everyone is allowed to change their mind. Using the weekend conference as an experiment for your husband to experience the joys of being a full time parent was an excellent opportunity for you both. Your overreaction shows you to be tired. Your husband was exhausted too, especially if your baby is his first experience with a baby. The baby will be happy and content in childcare. I have a friend who had both her kids in childcare from 6 weeks old, the earliest they will take them here in Australia. She loved her job and hated being at home. You both need to do whatever makes you happiest. Children are very adaptable. As long as they are loved that's all they need.
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
Hun, her reaction was not from being tired. Daddy didn't want to sleep in the bed he made when he realized it was dirty. He was okay with mommy taking his place.
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Chloe Belle 1 year ago
I think that yes, she is a booty hole and could have handled the situation better. Cussing at your partner, regardless of gender, never has been and never will be acceptable, for any reason. There are SO MANY WOMAN that feel exactly the same as the man does, do they get yelled at like he did? I am foodstamps poor with 3 autistic children trying to finish school. What you do with your child when both parents want to be out of the house is enroll them in this magical thing called daycare. What I don't get is how y'all don't understand is life and things change. I feel the same way thr husband does when my children hit around 2 years old. Stories like this make me cautious of encouraging my son to be a stay at home dad, which is something he really wants. It seems like this husband is every frustrated woman's verbal punching bag. He tried, he failed, he is trying to deal with it the best way he knows... why doesn't he deserve the same compassion that us women expect??
Chloe Belle 1 year ago
I would suggest a divorce and co-parenting as a way to move forward after this conversation. He "broke down" and was extremely vulnerable and then attacked. It is very reasonable how he feels, he even tried to keep it to himself. If you don't want to divorce for the wellbeing of your daughter, then get into marriage therapy immediately. Men weren't biological geared for childrearing, women are. We literally have the hormones for it, ones that men don't have. The child seems to have been an inconvenience since before birth, the husband seems to be looked down upon and thought of as less. So, yeah I'd recommend a divorce. If you're gonna treat your man like that, talking down about his career and then attacking him when he's vulnerable, then set the dude free. Y'all don't seem deeply compatible.
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Duke Sparrow 1 year ago
I think she's the AH. She clearly values her career above everything else, including her own daughter. Especially if she's leaving town for days at a time while the baby is only 9 weeks old. She's also obviously chosen not the breastfeed, so bonding with the baby is not her prerogative. I mean it is what it is. Everyone has priorities. But that being said, she's the breadwinner of the household and should either pay for a nanny or change her mind about daycare. Being a dad to a now five months old myself, I completely understand the guy's position as all the mental preparation in the world does NOT prepare you for what it's actually like to take care of a screaming baby with no mommy around. She is worried about potential abuse because she had some trauma in her own life, but that's on her to sort out, not the dad's fault.
Sarah Spriggs 1 year ago
I don't get why people think this man is such an a*****e. Being a stay at home parent usually isn't what people expect. And he probably didn't expect the loneliness. He told her he was lonely. I do think he should not have suggested her leaving her job to stay home to combat his loneliness. But, I also wonder if he suggested that because she's being so dang on stubborn about the daycare issue. She doesn't want to stay home because she enjoys her work and yes he agreed to stay home, but life changes. Things change and sometimes things don't work out like we want them too. And he realized he wasn't cut out to be a stay at home parent. So, they should just work together to find a reputable daycare or a nanny. But, she's being really controlling and showing no sympathy for him. If the roles were reversed in this situation, people would be so mad. Why does she get the right to flip out and yell at him for realizing he's not cut out for this?
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
Lonely after 2 days? And didn't she return home after work on those days?
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ReapingRed Sanguis 1 year ago
YTA ONLY because you screamed at him. Everything else your justified in. He had a moment of weakness. As his partner it's your obligation to support him emotionally. Let him vent it out. Work some solutions together. I have hired a maid service to help with cleaning. A lawn service for the yard. And a full time nanny. This way both my wife and I can work. There are ways to work it out. But it is NEVER okay to yell at your partner when they are emotionally weak.
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
🤔It's almost as if he put himself in that situation without thinking about how hard child rearing is.
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diane Kelson 1 year ago
As a mother of 3, I am horrified. The fact that you were going to kill your child for career makes me ill. Accidents happen, as a doctor, you should be aware and prepared. I was on the pill when I got pregnant for my youngest. That being said, a nanny seems like the logical choice. Install nanny cams.
Peggy McCormack 1 year ago
YTA you can also afford a nanny or au pair. Get one and get over it. Also get counseling and your tubes tied.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
She doesn't want childcare until the child can communicate clearly.
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Shoshana Sherrington 1 year ago
It's called couples counseling. Get some. This phase is called "harder than I thought it was and I'm panicking." Transitions are hard, being new parents is HARD. and if you want to be a family you will work it out. He gave his word but also be sympathetic that as a new dad he feels in over his head.
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
Her huaband is also an AH for pushing her to have a child when she didn't want one. And potentially, as even the OP is now considering, sabotaging their condoms to FORCE her to have w child she never wanted.
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Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
You missed the part where she made it clear that she did not want biochildren and the ONLY reason she kept the pregnancy is because of a deal that husband made for after the child that HE, ONLY HIM, wanted.
Load More Replies... Hannah Taylor 1 year ago (edited)
I don't get all the YTA comments. At. All. Husband agreed to stay home with their daughter while OP worked; what's the problem? He couldn't hang out with the boys because he had to PARENT? He KNEW he didn't want to do it from the very beginning, and thought he could sweet-talk OP into WFH AND being a SAHM. He's full of it. I think by now OP'S figured out that the "condom break" was anything but accidental. (She may want to consider getting a tubal ligation, and/or have hubby get a vasectomy, to ensure against any more "accidents.") I hope she puts her foot down and lays down the law with this lazy àsshat. Working from home isn't happening. Period. He wanted a child, he agreed to stay home to raise her. He does not get to back out of the arrangement just because he doesn't like what it entails. OP may have to consider hiring a nanny for five days a week. She can personally screen them to find the best one for her daughter. But couples counseling us in order. That, or get a lawyer.
Lisa Barbeau 1 year ago
It really made no sense when one YTA brought up yelling at a post partum mother. She is the one who is still post partum not him. Meanwhile he’s getting a pass for just throwing in the towel and expecting her to deal with it.
Load More Replies... Hope Tirendi 1 year ago
For the idiot who said YTA for screaming at a stay at home parent who feels overwhelmed....he had HIS child for a WEEKEND!!! He deserves to be screamed at. Who feels "lonely" after 2 freaking days with their own child??? He messed with the condom (I'm convinced) since she wouldn't bow down to his wishes now he gets to deal with it. Actions meet consequences! Saw this coming from a mile away. Get a divorce and give him the majority of custody for the kid he just had to have to keep up with the Jones! If this were reversed and she baby trapped him all Hell would break loose.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
She went through nine months of pregnancy and labour just to please him, not to mention the postpartum recovery period. But HE can't step up? Good gawd!
Load More Replies... Ellinor 1 year ago
I don't think she is the a*****e. Sure she shouldn't have screamed at him, but being a woman in this world is hard, people excpect you to have children and then to give up everything for them. She didn't wanted that and was very clear, and now even if she wants her husband to remain a SAHD at the end of the day he does what he wants with his life, so she must feel so trapped... Because there is not many happy endings : 1) he agrees to stay SAHD ad is unhappy, 2) she quit her job and will be unhappy and 3) they divorce and if they share custody she will be all alone 1 week on 2 and will be unhappy.
Suzie 1 year ago
Her husband couldn't hack it for one weekend. Do you think he's going to want shared custody where he has to do it all during his custody time?
Load More Replies... Melissa Neubauer 1 year ago
He thought once the baby was here she would magically decide to stay home! He’s an untrustworthy husband. She knew what she wanted, was very clear about it and he decided what he wanted was more important.
Rowboat 1 year ago
I'd bet money that he also feels insecure that she's the breadwinner in the family and that's why he wants to force her into being a SAHM. Guys like this will do anything possible to tear their partner down to their level.
Load More Replies... Suzie 1 year ago
Her husband wants to quit after one weekend. That's c**p. He hasn't even really tried to live up to his promise. Does he think moms have it all figured out after their first weekend alone with their babies? Quitting after one weekend? Give me a break!
Joanne Earle 1 year ago
Honestly I agree with the woman in this. She didn't want to have a baby, esp not now with her medical career taking off. She makes way more money than he does. She wanted to adopt from foster care. So he sabotages the condom, knocks her up, and now expects her to give up her career when they had an agreement that HE would stay home and care for the kid? No. Just no.
Sharon Bee 1 year ago
APPLAUSE!! She was manipulated from the very start.
Load More Replies... Susan Schlee 1 year ago
Sounds like "daddy" just figured out how hard it is to play "mommy"! If men carried a baby to term and had to birth it, this cr*p would have never come up.
Alicia Bobcheck 1 year ago
ReapingRed Sanguis: Men could have a support system if they wanted but they don't create those for themselves. It turns out that if you don't foster relationships then you often become lonely and don't have anyone to turn to if you need help. I'm pretty sure there are better solutions for loneliness than breaking your promise to care for your child and endangering your partner's career, no?
Load More Replies... Kate Johnson 1 year ago
How surprising! Another man that is entirely overwhelmed by taking care of one little baby. I bet if she had stayed home, he'd be telling how easy it is. At this point it seems a nanny is the best bet. Then she at least limits the "strangers" around the kid. But hubby would be in the doghouse for the foreseeable future, and I'd be reconsidering the relationship, because he basically conned me and then proved he was entirely unreliable. Giving up after one difficult weekend. What a complete and utter wimp! It would be hard to respect him much after that. So I don't know if the marriage would survive. Which would be ironic, because then he'd get the kid by himself half the time! LOL!!!!
Luke Oakridge 1 year ago
Your comment started out kind of sexist. There are plenty of women who struggle to take care of babies as well.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 1 year ago
My brother stayed home with his son for the first 16 months. His wife made more money so it made sense. It wasn't always easy, but it's not rocket science. I can't believe the dude who really wanted a baby (and probably broke the condom on purpose) couldn't even handle ONE weekend alone with his own child! The obvious solution is to hire a nanny. I used to be a professional nanny and it was a great situation for the parents. I treat every kid like they're my own and love them just as much. You just have to find the right person for your family. And don't cheap out on it! Hire someone experienced and pay them what they're worth. Your kid deserves it.
Ru Bee 1 year ago (edited)
Why would a doctor not take the morning after pill when the condom broke?
Cassandra Reese 1 year ago
She may have misspoke saying it "broke". More than likely it just failed, as they can do without any physical signs until you find out you are pregnant.
Load More Replies... Hphizzle 1 year ago
Full or part time nanny and nanny cams, solid legally binding contracts to protect all involved. There are work arounds. Sounds like they could afford a good nanny, too.
Tabitha 1 year ago (edited)
Nope, MANNY. No cute little nanny for him to decide to WFH to “supervise”. No way. Big, ugly manny. That’s the way to go.
Load More Replies... Wendy Herman 1 year ago
Her spouse is a manipulative liar (that condom breakage was NO accident), He's also a *Big Wuss*. I quite my job (at my husband's insistence) & stayed home w/ Baby #1 for 9 mos. It was a Joy to spend more time w/ her. But we still needed my income, so she went to daycare & I resumed my old job. After another 2 years, I'd worked my way up into a mgmt role. Suddenly, he wanted Baby #2. So, I did it again, b/c family comes 1st. Then, towards the end of my 12-wk maternity leave, he insisted I quit my job b/c, in his mind, I couldn't be a "good Mom" w/o being a SAHM. Truth was, I was So Tired of coming home from work to do the "2nd shift" (b/c housework is for "chicks", ya know 🙄), it was easier to raise our kids myself than work for daycare $$ & then do housework till bedtime every night. But he still wanted me to earn income. So, 1 mo. post-partum from a C-section, still healing & full of hormones, I started a home-based daycare. Took classes through the county, joined a USDA grant program, found clients. I LOVED it (although I realize it's not for everyone)! I spent each day in sweats, no make-up, being chauffeur/chef/study-buddy/nurse/etc. & meeting the needs of my own kids + 4 others whom I Adored. I even had time enough to keep a nice, clean home while getting more rest (even if it wasn't perfectly tidy until the last client left around 7pm). After a decade of marriage, including 6 years of what I'd thought was a happy enough family life, my "macho" husband left me for the much younger gal he'd been secretly seeing, during the 3x a week he'd said he was "going to the gym". His reasoning/excuse? I'd apparently grown "boring, predictable & non-spontaneous" (his very words), by giving in to his demands & doing All I needed to do to raise happy, healthy kids w/o asking him for much assistance at all. That was 25 years ago & it's all worked out for the best. After divorcing my beyond-insecure ex, I got years of therapy (to undo the conservative programming from my childhood, which led me to pick my 1st spouse) & eventually found a Real Man - one secure enough to love his 2 now-grown step-kids the same as if he'd created them. Decades later, he still keeps us all giggling daily & feeling cherished. My ex called him a "beta" but that's So Much More Enjoyable than being stuck w/ a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, lol! This woman's husband reminds me of my ex. Her dude couldn't hack 1 wknd w/ his own kid, even *w/o* the added complication of wacky hormones & stitches in his nether region? I call B.S. Either they shouldn't have had children (b/c she's already married to one!) OR he's somehow "diminished" by the fact she out-earns him & is looking to TRAP her financially, even if it leaves them far poorer financially. What happens when he tires of being the *sole* breadwinner, or decides she's not earning enough, like she used to BEFORE he broke his promises??? Will he change his mind again - perhaps about marriage or parenthood itself? Once that financial abuse starts, it opens the door to other abuses (like cheating, or worse). There's NO way to make a broken man feel secure (only he can to that by seeking professional help & participating in the healing process, to the point that he doesn't need to "own" anyone). Giving guys like that too much "Power" by setting aside our own dreams/goals/aspirations - when POWER is their Top motivation (rather than their family's health, happiness or needs) only assures they'll misuse it. She'll be Far Happier, someday, IF she cuts him loose now, retains primary custody (after all, he can't even handle 1 wknd as a solo parent!), and gets a nanny she can trust. That nanny (esp w/ cameras) will be far more trustworthy than the selfish little insecure boy to whom she's currently married. She can chalk it up as a learning experience, move forward, & raise a strong daughter who'll be able to spot a misogynist in sheep's clothing. (Mom can teach her what to watch out for w/o mentioning Dad at all. That way, whatever relationship he has w/ his own kid will rely solely upon the time & attention he invests in it. If he doesn't, THEN Mom can explain to her little girl how some people might look like adults w/o truly qualifying as such. And find another partner who'll do a better job). Those "YTA" folks in the comments? I'm betting they're either a bunch of hairy boys, Terrified of strong, capable women who make more $ than they do. Or, perhaps they're incels who'll jump on Any opportunity to disrespect the gals who Won't Touch them for any reason. They might also be unhappy "Trad Wives", raised via Stockholm Syndrome to destest their own gender while supporting what brings them misery & constant inequity. I feel sorry for those gals, but they *can* break those chains, like I did, if they have enough gumption. We gals CAN "have it all" - career, kids, family, friends, etc. - but there will always be trade-offs involved & priorities to shuffle. Those responsibilities are so much easier to navigate, though, w/ a helpful mate who believes in Fairness & Respect. It takes 2 adult partners to make it work. Sadly, this poor gal appears to be the *only* adult in her home. I wish her freedom from indentured servitude to a sub-par guy who doesn't deserve her at all. And a happy life as a single doc w/ a great nanny & a healthy, contented, emotionally secure child. There are so many ways to be a happy family today, thank Heavens!
Wendy Herman 1 year ago
(Sorry for the "book". I wish BP at least allowed for paragraphs).
Load More Replies... Charlie 1 year ago
Don't even read the YTA comments because it's so clear this guy tampered the condom, convinced u to keep her, that he'll stay at home (not working) because he planned u d provide everything right. Sort of like a sugar mamma. Don't matter the age. BUT his plan backfired in one weekend so u can see clearly who he really is. This is a reality check for u. This man will never have ur back. He's only thinking about himself.
Melissa anderson 1 year ago
What’s he complaining about? Is he too weak of a man to take care of his own child? If he can’t do it, why would he expect his wife to? The hypocrisy of men when it comes to taking care of the house and child is off the charts.
The Starsong Princess 1 year ago
He’s discovered that looking after a baby is actually work and his plan for never working again has been thwarted. She needs a nanny and a divorce.
Aurora Selene Silverthorne 1 year ago
The condom didn't break. The husband tampered with it to trap OP into having a child he knew she didn't want and wasn't ready for. He's scum. She ought to divorce him and file for full custody if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain they agreed to. He probably resents her for making more money than he does and wants to ruin her career so she'll be financially dependant on him. If he can't handle one weekend with his own kid, but expects OP to sacrifice everything to do it, he's a loser. She needs to take the baby and run as fast and as far away from him as possible before serving him some well-earned divorce and custody papers.
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
He would love for her to get full custody. He'd also get spousal support, depending on the state. How does this solution get her anything she wants?
Load More Replies... Celesta 1 year ago
For those ridiculing OP for not taking more precautions for birth control, please go to the post, and her profile/comments and she explains. She can't be on regular BC due to side effects, and normally she makes him pullout WITH a condom, for extra security, but occasionally he "isn't fast enough" and that time just so happened to be when the condom broke (yeah, right, even OP is now suspicious of that).
Momma Jess 1 year ago
Ya know, if an infant was too difficult after two days maybe he shouldn't be a parent...Different situation from the OP I know, but after a bad experience dating a woman with teenage twins I'd decided I wasn't ever going to date someone with a child again. Theeeeen a few years later I met a woman with a special needs son. Guess who he's usually with? Not his daddy, that's for sure. His mom works in an office, I work from home, survey says, ME. It's hard, and it's overwhelming, and yeah sometimes you don't get the help you need even from your partner, and it can get lonely and isolating being the "primary caregiver" but HE didn't ask to be BORN, he didn't do anything wrong, and it's the adults' jobs to figure it out. Your life isn't just yours anymore when there's a child involved, biological or blended.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
She has every right to be angry. Dad needs to step up. But they have the money, hire people to do the non childcare stuff. Hire someone to clean, order shopping online, adjust your expectations for meals. If he's not doing laundry, shopping and cleaning, surely he can watch a child full time. But why should she give up her career when he won't give up his? His and is an AH. Did he think babies were easy?etnhim struggle through for a while. He should try it, not just panic. If it's still bad in a few months, try making changes. But one panic attack before being a SAHP shouldn't change things.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
The problem in the marriage, now, is that she knows she can never trust him to keep his word. The marriage is damaged by this - it's no longer a problem that simply needs a solution. This has damaged the relationship, and if it were me, I would never trust him, either with the child, or in the future when, say, someone gets sick or hurt, he will not step up 'because it's too hard'.
Load More Replies... Ann-Marie LA 1 year ago
Who here hasn't figured out the money part yet? Of course that condom did not "break", and she said clearly she makes 3x more money than him. He WANTS her to divorce him and he WILL HAVE custody of his daughter. All of this is about money - he's going to get spousal support AND child support. OP, you're NTA but dumb for trusting this guy to strap up correctly and even more so for not taking birth control pills, knowing full well you don't want children ...
Pandroid Rebellion 1 year ago
Her husband is a total loser. I feel sorry for the kid. I know what it feels like to be loved but not really wanted. It sucks. He did this on purpose assuming she would change her mind. It is pretty blatant.
ERMAHGERD DINOSAURS 1 year ago
Considering I am absolutely certain that AH broke the condom on purpose, every other part of the argument is virtually irrelevant. He baby trapped her. I think she should divorce him immediately and get a nanny for her 50% custody. The audacity of this man child is staggering.
SnowWhite 1 year ago (edited)
All the YTAH comments are projecting. Why bother answering if you're gonna get all triggered? This has NOTHING to do w/what women have been doing or even daycare. Although OP was very clear on why not. This issue is her agreeing to have the baby & he agreeing to stay home. After one weekend, ONE, he gave up. Says a lot about him. He didn't say it was harder than he thought & wanted to look into how to make it work. He wanted HER to stay home. Of course she didn't mean to imply she didn't love her baby. She was speaking of the agreement they made. I'd slap with with a smelly fish and divorce him. I bet there was no prenuptial and if she makes 3x more as she claimed, I bet her cries he gave up his job for all of this. I'd pay for a bad *ss lawyer to bring light that maternity leave was not even over for her. He wanted her to extend it and it is he who tapped out. So tech what happened was he quit his job to be a sahd and bc he broke the agreement it is HE who is at fault.
Parmeisan 1 year ago
I know that OP has trust issues with daycares and potentially also nannies, but at this point I think she should have trust issues with her husband, too. He's shown he can't be trusted in any way, shape or form. You're better off hiring a nanny than leaving that man alone with your baby.
Libstak 1 year ago
He needs to discuss his issues in a parent group and with a nurse, surely there are nurses where you are that provide advice on these issues? It's one weekend, it gets easier but having a nanny for 4 to 6 hours a day would help him adjust too and should be considered.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
What's to discuss? He reneged and thought wifey would fall all over herself with maternal feelings and change her mind. Quite frankly, a guy who thinks women are so narrow and stereotypical in their feelings is a smooth-brained idiot not worth keeping.
Load More Replies... Heather Coyle 1 year ago
As a patient of a neurologist myself I completely side with the wife on this one especially since he was the one who pushed for the baby in the first place
Sel Wittebane 1 year ago
Seems to me that he thought having a baby would change her into what he wanted. He figured she would just throw every part of her life away and she'd become his little housewife. If he can't be left alone for one weekend with the baby HE wanted so badly without breaking down, then he wasn't fit to be a father.
Boblawblaslawblog 1 year ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one that read "condom broke" as code speak for "husband sabotaged birth control by poking needles through the condoms bought in a sketchy discount store going out of business clearance bin". Sounds sus.
nancy 1 year ago (edited)
I did NOT enjoy my maternity leave, and felt very isolated and alone. I wish I had known someone else on mat leave at the same time (all of my friends were childless). I can empathize with him. I managed to stay home for 10 months before opting for day care (at that point my child was 20 months old, 10 months old when adopted) and she absolutely loved it. Putting a child in daycare is so good for their social development, and I would opt to do it at 11-12 months if I had a newborn. Staying home may be torture for you, but it's sometimes necessary. I hated it so much that I opted to not have anymore children (unless my husband was willing to stay home, which he wasn't)
KatSaidWhat 1 year ago
If, as a woman, you don't want children, you go on your own contraception to make sure a condom doesn't fail and you end up pregnant. And maybe don't tell your partner who is pressing you for a child. They need to have a calm talk about their future as both parents and partners.
Alicia Bobcheck 1 year ago
You're right. Women should definitely not trust their partners.
Load More Replies... SuperNovaToiletClog 1 year ago
I'm betting there were other deep-seated issues going on in the marriage before this happened. Or the husband is just an AH. Or both.
BluEyedSeoulite 1 year ago
As a stay at home mom, I get the dad breaking down. My babies were really easy, clingy but easy. My niece had colic and it was a nightmare for us all (older sis was a teen mom, we all helped). Plus, if mom has been doing most of the work until now, baby will still primarily want mom. Babies communicate by crying. They cry A LOT. Dad needs to suck it up. No takes backsies. The gender of the parent doesn't matter, it's understandable that the new primary caregiver is going to be stressed and freaking out. I'm sure he's sleep deprived too. They both need to calm down and figure it out. Maybe they should hire a cleaning service and worst case scenario a nanny they can trust.
Mona 1 year ago
This shouldn't be a question of AITA. The woman and her husband had a baby. The baby is a pipsqueaking nine weeks old. The husband had to take care of the pipsqueak for a whole weekend by himself, with no breaks in the evening. He was overwhelmed with the very real, very heavy responsibility of caring for a fragile baby by himself, and so he changed his mind. There's a conversation to be had, rather than ranting on reddit — especial AITA! Talk to your husband about his emotions — rather than just accusing him of going back on his deal, acknowledge that the reality of a baby is very different than what he might have thought it would be. Talk about possible support systems. Also, talk about the possibility of entering childcare sooner — a childcare center with multiple adults present at all times isn't going to be an unsafe place to have your baby cared for. I absolutely loved our childcare center, I never had any doubt that the teachers cared deeply for each child under their care.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
He's broken trust in his partner that he will ever step up with any exigencies they face. How do you repair that? He's shown her that he is not to be trusted to do what he says he will do. It's not a case of being overwhelmed over a period of months - which I could understand - but he caved after a WEEKEND while she was still home to look after the baby!
Load More Replies... Aline Vargas 10 months ago
Don't have children because someone is pressing you, even if that person is your husband. Never rely on men to do birth control.
Jessie TeWinkel 1 year ago
If both parents are so firmly set in not wanting to care for the child, have they considered adopting her out? It's not fair to raise her in an atmosphere where the SAHP is deeply resentful of her and the time she is taking away from their lives.
Cara Jakel 1 year ago
NTA Wow she is only 9 weeks and he feel trapped and alone. Poor him. Yea that condom didn't magically break he tampered with it. There is no way I would allow him to be the primary care giver till she in preschool. That's 4 or 5 years from now and if he's giving up when she is stationary all day...I shudder to think how inept he'll be when she's a toddler running away from him all day. Let him get his job back, hire a nanny use a reputable service and then get a lawyer and divorce him. He is a liar and untrustworthy. I have always said: "Just because you can have children doesn't mean you should. Having children isn't a right, it's a privilege. Far too many people don't realize this." I'm so sorry your husband did this to you. Please think long and hard before letting him remain the SAH parent. A live in nanny is expensive, but you are in a position to afford it. Heck if you keep him around instead of kicking him to the curb, his salary should more than cover a live in nanny.
wize- akerPBA 1 year ago
He's the a**hole, and probably tampered with condom. So many red flags, here. He had her ONE WEEKEND and "couldn't hack it" as a healthy male who is NOT going through the physical/emotional aftermath of childbirth??? Get recommendations, from people you know, for a nanny, and use cameras. ... and consider being a single mom. So many red flags, from the get-go.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
Find an adoption agency that lets you screen adoptive families. I have a close friend who did this. It's an open adoption but contact is up to the adoptive parents. Problem solved.
Caroline Graf 1 year ago
NTA. The people who said Yta are completely unreasonable. Besides all the suspicions about the condom and the agreement they made previously, the husband is completely out of his mind. He was with the baby alone for a weekend. A damn weekend. Considering OP mentioned she was 9 weeks old, of course it might have still been rough if they have been together as couple the entire time. The first few months are always more difficult since the baby needs to get used to constant rhythms of sleep and other. So that he is fcked up because he had to wake up 3-5 times at night without another helping hand, surely makes a guy loose it. But that's just how it is. Suck it up. After a few months in the baby will start sleeping through the night and the day will have a set routine. I know both are freshly backed parents here, but they are both being short sighed. It won't be that difficult for the next two years.
Sinners1978 1 year ago
And once again the YTA are just stupid. I think all those YTA are incels that think a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant. Also she is NTA. I'm honestly sus about the condom breaking and then 1 weekend and the husband wants to change the deal? Nope I think in this case she got baby trapped. I say hire a nanny, the husband gets a job and then she divorces his a*s.
Melissa Harris 1 year ago (edited)
As a physician she didn't do a very good job at using birth control. No one method is 100% guaranteed for 100% of the time. Condoms do fail (or be sabotaged). The pill requires proper consistency. If she didn't want to become pregnant and was sexually active then she and hubby should have been using TWO overlapping methods of contraception:the pill or an IUD as well as condoms. She's a doctor and should know this.😮💨 She should hire a nanny through a qualified service and put in a few cameras. I think she should seriously think about separation. The likely hood that the condom "broke", while possible, is just to convenient in timing.
Sharon Bee 1 year ago
For me, it's that she was absolutely clear she didn't want a bio child, and he pressured her, then the condom "broke" once and bam ... bio baby. He manipulated her, plain and simple. They had already discussed it and reached a compromise. I would definitely get my tunes tied, find a nanny, and get ready for him to be an a*hole for the next 18 years or more.
Jean Horton 1 year ago
Get a nanny , start looking and interviewing ASAP and find one You feel is a right fit, there are many qualified and trustworthy nanny agencies,
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago (edited)
She doesn't want child care until her child can communicate in case of abuse
Load More Replies... AngelWingsYT 1 year ago
Really convinced he broke it to have the baby he wanted. He even talked her out of an abortion....
Giraffy Window 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah that condom didn't break. he stealthed on her to baby trap her. Also I am struggling not to pin a lot of ire on the man in the title photo. I KNOW he's not the guy from this story, but he is the guy representing the guy in this story... My head just won't agree to his innocence in all this.
Shadowed Pokefan 1 year ago
The people saying op is the AH aren't right granted it's not ok to yell at your spouse but the guy had the kid for 2-3 days max by himself does taking care of a small infant take a lot of work yes but that doesn't mean you give up after 3 days I bet he was hoping wifey dear would want to prolong her maternity leave which isn't fair he already knew she didn't want kids yet kept pushing and pushed to keep the baby honestly I suggest some sort of part time caretaker some older woman or man they'd trust get cameras and possibly looking into getting a tubal ligation or bilateral salpingectomy to prevent more broken promises but that's just my opinion
Ash 1 year ago
I think the commenter who smelled a rat had a good point: the condom ACCIDENTALLY broke? It's just now time for her to go back to work and NOW he can't handle being a SAHD and it's her job? HE had a terrible time being a SAHP but he isn't worried that SHE will? Beginning to wonder if he planned this....
Christos Arvanitis 1 year ago
NTA but she referred to the child several times as "his child". I feel bad for the kid to be honest. They shouldn't have had this kid.
Susan Schlee 1 year ago
That's why I think people who choose to NOT have kids should be given an award, because they chose NOT to bring an UNWANTED child into the world.
Load More Replies... Jay Cee 1 year ago
Ah, the broken condom! Not proud of it but I had a LOT of s'x in my 20s - never once had a broken condom or caught an STI - he played you like a trout my dear make him stick to his side of the bargain and, to prevent another "broken" condom, get him to have the snip! Tell him he's lucky he wont have to cope with teething and a 4 week menstrual cycle. Sorry it got this far, we're not all of us that bad, honest.
Phillip Shepard 1 year ago
I'm an MD. There is no way she can have a neurology practice at home. That branch of medicine requires physical contact with the patient to do a neurological exam, check eye movements, reflexes, sensation to touch, muscle strength and coordination. This guy must be really incompetent if he can't look after one child for a week. He is not father or husband material. Get counselling, a nanny or a divorce lawyer.
Coffeemama05 1 year ago
He’s the a$$ hole. I was a stay at home mom to three kids for 20 years and let me tell you it wasn’t luxurious. And all three kids are on the spectrum. So anything other than school with an IEP program wasn’t going to happen. It was hard. Some good days, a lot of bad days. Tons and tons of specialists. I remember sometimes 5 a week plus meetings at their schools. It was his idea and now you’re technically trapped but I’m wondering if you’d consider a nanny and your husband is a wuss
Vicki Parslow Stafford 1 year ago
The whole story sounds suspicious. She loves her job, didn't really want a child but dreamed about adopting, and was relying on condoms for birth control? The pair of them are idiots.
Featherking 1 year ago (edited)
Whoa. You better grow a fuϲking pair, boys, if you start píssíng and moaning after 48 goddamned hours of exactly what you wanted. What an utter twat.
sweetrottenpeaches 1 year ago (edited)
Actually I think these two should never have had children.
Sarah Matsoukis 1 year ago
Hire a nanny to help him and go to work, if he doesn't stop bitching make him a single dad.
Tereza Cervenakova 1 year ago
He wanted a baby. He got the kid in a questionable way. He wanted to be sahp. And after 48 Hours he throws the towl into the ring? Haha... Get used to new routine, learn how to take care of the kid, figure out sleeping schedules, find someone in the area to go out on walks with and you'll be fine. The beginings are tough, but things settle down into a managable routine...
Roberta Surprenant 1 year ago
I don't believe the broken condom was accidental. If she wants to stay married, find a trusted nanny.
Julie Walker 1 year ago
Condoms break all the time. He will get used to it being at home it’s so hard in the beginning especially for babies and most guys I know do know how to respond to babies needs. She should ask him to keep at it. You don’t quit your job because of one bad day and this is his job now. It’s really really hard and there are no breaks and your freedom is gone but it’s the best for baby under the circumstance. Give him a chance. He need time and help.
kool mudkips 1 year ago
ESH! He is going back on a deal he made. However, children can be much more needy and stressful than people can possibly anticipate before ever having children. He thought he could handle it and is quickly seeing he can not. You can not just force him to do this. He is reaching out for help. Situations like this are where babies get hurt (Shaken baby syndrome) if someone doesn't help and he is feeling trapped, frustrated, and angry. If a woman were reaching out saying she couldn't handle it, there would be a mountain of support. He deserves the same. I remember being a SAHM to babies. It was a lot. He didn't just become a SAHD he also quit his job and that is a big change. She totally sucks for not dealing with her trauma properly and putting demands on the table that make life worse for them all. A nanny or good daycare could solve ALL of these problems. It is not healthy to just decide no one is trustworthy because you have been traumatized. She needs counseling.
Karen Bird 1 year ago (edited)
My sons dad was his primary care giver - we weren't together - from the age of about 5. He was just out there living his best life. I always made sure there was enough money for fun activities together and even brought him on holidays with us etc. He did this by maintaining a social life with his friends combined with his parenting duties. He either needs to sack up and put his big boy pants on or pay for a nanny and nanny cams installed throughout the house. If one weekend broke him, I'm not sure I'd feel safe trusting him with my infant tbh.
Your Mom 1 year ago
He made a decision and now he feels bad from the consequences. This happens sometime in human life. He wanted the child, the wife told what she wants beforehand. So he's full responsible, and has to stay at home with the child. That's it. If you make a decision, you have to bear the consequences.
FlyingKiwi 1 year ago
NTA. Husband is absolutely TA and also an idiot. How did he get to be an adult and not know that parenting was hard work, particularly for infants? If everyone here is acting in good faith (and they may not be), he's feeling overwhelmed - which is fair, and she's feeling betrayed and fearful - which is fair. However; if the marriage is to last, and the child is to be cared for, shouting at him to do better isn't going to help! They need to think together about other solutions. Can she pay for some extra help in the home during this first year eg; would it help to have someone cook and deliver all the meals for the week nights? Would she be willing to dial back her hours for a few months to find a new balance at home? Is there training he can get? (I'd pay for a live in nanny for two months to train him if I were in her shoes). Oh yeah, also some couple's counselling.
Shanna Champnoise 1 year ago
It's ludicrous to think OP is wrong. Her husband made whatever promises he had to to get her to have this baby and he folds after one weekend. He sounds weak and if he can't man up and at least try for several months I'd divorce him since it sounds like she'll be going it alone anyways. I don't think I could look at him the same.
Max Fox 1 year ago
I don;t think that either are A-holes, unless he tampered with the condom (they don't break easily, but they do slip off after coitus). Still, screaming at her husband isn't helpful. If he can't be a SAHD, then he can't. Plenty of women also realize that it's not what they wanted after they have a kid. I don't think that anybody here would claim that a woman who realized that she isn't cut out for being a SAHM is an A-hole. Since neither have the capability for being a SAH parent, they need to discuss Plan B. Either a nanny or daycare. Those are the best choices for the kid as well.
J L 1 year ago (edited)
So so so fake. Get this...lady is a neurologist (they make at least 200k+), man is in Marketing (easy 60-65k or more)....are you telling me they can't afford a live-in nanny? Or even just a nanny who comes in 8hrs/day? Live-in nanny is roughly 36k-50k annual. Yes the nanny is a "stranger" but with hubby supposedly WFH...no biggie he can check in every now and then. Which leads me to conclude this whole tale is hogwash!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
In all likelihood the sexual abuser OP alluded to was not a stranger. Her stipulation that the child should be able to clearly communicate and raise alarm before being cared for by someone other than the parents is reasonable, and was accepted by the husband as a condition of keeping the baby.
Load More Replies... Toaster Teostra 1 year ago
Tbh I'd go with ESH here. Both hubby and OP are acting up here as if they were fighting over a playstation. I'm so sorry for that poor Kid.
Spence Hill 1 year ago
Unfortunately, it really doesn't matter what the previous discussion was. There is now a child in the home. What is most important for that child? That is the point to discuss. I see four solutions 1, dad stays home like he promised. 2 mom stays home. 3, nanny or daycare and 4 divorce. Which of those four options are best for the child?
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
Actually, the previous discussion still stands. Period. She did not want a bio child and considered adoption, especially since her career was starting out and she made it ➡️PERFECTLY ⬅️ clear that if a child came into the picture, she was ➡️NOT⬅️ ending her career. Cue (sus) pregnancy and talked out of abortion by husband with the deal HE MADE that he would stay home to care for the child. That time comes and more than 48hrs later, ONE weekend, he's throwing in the towel. He needs to suck it up. HE wanted a child, HE got his wish.
Load More Replies... John W 1 year ago
So I'm a doctor, have been a SAHD, have been to medical conferences, and have very unintentionally broken multiple condoms... and I don't see anyone who has to be the AH here. Anyone saying that the breaking condom was intentional is operating off pure speculation. Obviously if he did, then he's the AH and there's little chance this marriage has any chance. Or any other rationship of his. But 50% of pregnancies in America are unplanned, not the result of Machavellian schemes. Assuming it was just a mistake, then it's pretty understandable that after 48-72 straight hours with no help, he might be exhausted and overwhelmed. And then overreact, which is what exhausted overwhelmed people do. Then wife gets home, having had fun doing career stuff, finally gotten a break from baby, and husband says he can't hack it. She starts feeling it all slip away, gets overwhelmed, and starts yelling. Pretty normal for two new parents of a 9 week old yo be exhausted and not at their best...
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
That's nice. However, seeing as she made it clear that she didn't want bio children and only kept the pregnancy because of the deal HE made for when the child ➡️THAT HE WANTED⬅️ was born, he gets no slack for trying to throw in the towel. Hello actions, meet consequences.
Load More Replies... BoredPangolin 1 year ago
To be honest, I feel that making plans about what you're going to do AFTER you have kids is sort of pointless. It seems so easy. And then baby is born, and unless you have one those unicorns who sleep most of the time, you're having the hardest time of your life. Don't have kids if you're not ready to adjust to a new, unknown life.
Alison Shanahan 1 year ago
Everyone is allowed to change their mind. Using the weekend conference as an experiment for your husband to experience the joys of being a full time parent was an excellent opportunity for you both. Your overreaction shows you to be tired. Your husband was exhausted too, especially if your baby is his first experience with a baby. The baby will be happy and content in childcare. I have a friend who had both her kids in childcare from 6 weeks old, the earliest they will take them here in Australia. She loved her job and hated being at home. You both need to do whatever makes you happiest. Children are very adaptable. As long as they are loved that's all they need.
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
Hun, her reaction was not from being tired. Daddy didn't want to sleep in the bed he made when he realized it was dirty. He was okay with mommy taking his place.
Load More Replies... Chloe Belle 1 year ago
I think that yes, she is a booty hole and could have handled the situation better. Cussing at your partner, regardless of gender, never has been and never will be acceptable, for any reason. There are SO MANY WOMAN that feel exactly the same as the man does, do they get yelled at like he did? I am foodstamps poor with 3 autistic children trying to finish school. What you do with your child when both parents want to be out of the house is enroll them in this magical thing called daycare. What I don't get is how y'all don't understand is life and things change. I feel the same way thr husband does when my children hit around 2 years old. Stories like this make me cautious of encouraging my son to be a stay at home dad, which is something he really wants. It seems like this husband is every frustrated woman's verbal punching bag. He tried, he failed, he is trying to deal with it the best way he knows... why doesn't he deserve the same compassion that us women expect??
Chloe Belle 1 year ago
I would suggest a divorce and co-parenting as a way to move forward after this conversation. He "broke down" and was extremely vulnerable and then attacked. It is very reasonable how he feels, he even tried to keep it to himself. If you don't want to divorce for the wellbeing of your daughter, then get into marriage therapy immediately. Men weren't biological geared for childrearing, women are. We literally have the hormones for it, ones that men don't have. The child seems to have been an inconvenience since before birth, the husband seems to be looked down upon and thought of as less. So, yeah I'd recommend a divorce. If you're gonna treat your man like that, talking down about his career and then attacking him when he's vulnerable, then set the dude free. Y'all don't seem deeply compatible.
Load More Replies... Duke Sparrow 1 year ago
I think she's the AH. She clearly values her career above everything else, including her own daughter. Especially if she's leaving town for days at a time while the baby is only 9 weeks old. She's also obviously chosen not the breastfeed, so bonding with the baby is not her prerogative. I mean it is what it is. Everyone has priorities. But that being said, she's the breadwinner of the household and should either pay for a nanny or change her mind about daycare. Being a dad to a now five months old myself, I completely understand the guy's position as all the mental preparation in the world does NOT prepare you for what it's actually like to take care of a screaming baby with no mommy around. She is worried about potential abuse because she had some trauma in her own life, but that's on her to sort out, not the dad's fault.
Sarah Spriggs 1 year ago
I don't get why people think this man is such an a*****e. Being a stay at home parent usually isn't what people expect. And he probably didn't expect the loneliness. He told her he was lonely. I do think he should not have suggested her leaving her job to stay home to combat his loneliness. But, I also wonder if he suggested that because she's being so dang on stubborn about the daycare issue. She doesn't want to stay home because she enjoys her work and yes he agreed to stay home, but life changes. Things change and sometimes things don't work out like we want them too. And he realized he wasn't cut out to be a stay at home parent. So, they should just work together to find a reputable daycare or a nanny. But, she's being really controlling and showing no sympathy for him. If the roles were reversed in this situation, people would be so mad. Why does she get the right to flip out and yell at him for realizing he's not cut out for this?
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
Lonely after 2 days? And didn't she return home after work on those days?
Load More Replies... ReapingRed Sanguis 1 year ago
YTA ONLY because you screamed at him. Everything else your justified in. He had a moment of weakness. As his partner it's your obligation to support him emotionally. Let him vent it out. Work some solutions together. I have hired a maid service to help with cleaning. A lawn service for the yard. And a full time nanny. This way both my wife and I can work. There are ways to work it out. But it is NEVER okay to yell at your partner when they are emotionally weak.
Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
🤔It's almost as if he put himself in that situation without thinking about how hard child rearing is.
Load More Replies... diane Kelson 1 year ago
As a mother of 3, I am horrified. The fact that you were going to kill your child for career makes me ill. Accidents happen, as a doctor, you should be aware and prepared. I was on the pill when I got pregnant for my youngest. That being said, a nanny seems like the logical choice. Install nanny cams.
Peggy McCormack 1 year ago
YTA you can also afford a nanny or au pair. Get one and get over it. Also get counseling and your tubes tied.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
She doesn't want childcare until the child can communicate clearly.
Load More Replies... Shoshana Sherrington 1 year ago
It's called couples counseling. Get some. This phase is called "harder than I thought it was and I'm panicking." Transitions are hard, being new parents is HARD. and if you want to be a family you will work it out. He gave his word but also be sympathetic that as a new dad he feels in over his head.
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
Her huaband is also an AH for pushing her to have a child when she didn't want one. And potentially, as even the OP is now considering, sabotaging their condoms to FORCE her to have w child she never wanted.
Load More Replies... Charm Hockaday 1 year ago
You missed the part where she made it clear that she did not want biochildren and the ONLY reason she kept the pregnancy is because of a deal that husband made for after the child that HE, ONLY HIM, wanted.
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