“She Said That My Anxiety Over Her Health Issues Was Too Much”: Family Drama Arises As Woman Cuts Off Contact With Her ‘Too Intrusive’ Sibling
Where is the fine line between being helpful and being overly intrusive? What is the difference between a shoulder to cry on and a keeper of dangerous private secrets? Why do we sometimes push away people whom until recently we considered our closest friends? Each person has their own answers to these questions and, more importantly, their own ways to get there.
The story that we want to tell you today began about two years ago, its culmination took place quite recently, and it is certainly very far from the denouement. The author of the original post, user u/SnooMuffins6689, just wanted to get it off their chest, but it turned out to be a real discussion.
The author of the post once was incredibly close with their sister and supported her in joy and sorrow
Image credits: r deangelo (not the actual photo)
When the woman faced serious health issues, the author was there to help and support her as well
Image credits: u/SnooMuffins6689
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/SnooMuffins6689
However, after recovery, the woman tried to distance herself from the author and even blocked them literally everywhere
Image credits: Jenny Uhling (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/SnooMuffins6689
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
It turned out that the woman once cheated on her fiance and got some infection which caused these health problems
Image credits: u/SnooMuffins6689
The author kept everything in secret, yet they were the only relative not invited to her wedding
So, about two years ago, the Original Poster’s (OP) sister faced some health issues. Serious issues, to be honest – according to the author of the post, there was even a threat of cancer, but the doctors handled everything on time. Be that as it may, the woman had to go through tough times – and the OP became a real support for her.
The OP says that in those days, they were very close, and there was not a day that the sister did not turn to them for words of support. The author of the post always tried to be there, to encourage in word and deed, and, most importantly, not to tell anyone about the cause of these very health problems.
The thing is, as the OP goes on, that their sister once cheated on her fiance, and as a result of this she caught an infection which later caused the health issues described. Over time, however, the woman overcame this – however, in the process of recovery, she gradually moved away from her recent shoulder to cry on. She distanced herself to such an extent that when the OP wrote to her in the hospital literally begging her to talk about her state of health. They not only received no answer, but were even blocked on literally all platforms.
Moreover, when the upcoming wedding of the Original Poster’s sister with the same fiance was recently announced, they were the only one of the relatives who did not receive an invitation. Even the bride’s parents, with whom she had almost cut all ties for a long time, were invited. Everyone except the OP. And when one of the relatives asked why the author fell out of favor with the bride-to-be, they received the answer that ‘they crossed a boundary’. Just like this – and nothing more. It’s only natural that the original poster felt devastated over all this.
Image credits: onivoL (not the actual photo)
“It seems to me that there are enough blank spots in this story, some missing details, that the puzzle of the situation is not completely formed,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, to whom Bored Panda reached out for a comment on this tale. “On the other hand, if this relative turned out to be in fact the only witness and keeper of a secret that the bride-to-be was ashamed of, then it is not surprising that she instinctively tried to distance herself from them. Especially at a wedding with a man, to whom her infidelity started this whole situation.”
“In addition, there is a certain thin line between helping and sympathy when you are asked for it, and trying to provide this sympathy in the wrong situation. And in fact, only a few people are able to feel where this line actually lies, and how not to cross it. Otherwise, you can really lose good relationships that have developed over the years, very quickly. A joint trouble can actually not only unite people, but also separate them – and sometimes this happens much easier and faster,” Irina Matveeva states.
Most of the people in the comments also don’t really get what boundary exactly the Original Poster crossed in their sister’s mind, and why she had such a strong sense of rejection towards them. In any case, according to commenters, now the best thing is to just let go of the situation. “I think it’s best to give your sister space and live your life to the fullest for now,” one of the people in the comments reasonably suggests.
However, it often happens that people who were once incredibly close to each other end up cutting all ties and cannot even see each other without painful feelings. For example, as it happened in this tale about two sisters, one of whom, after having a miscarriage, also found out that her husband cheated on her with her own sister. And maybe in this selection of ours, where you can find out the signs by which you can determine that your friend or loved one is in fact a jerk. In addition, we’re also looking forward to your own comments on this particular story.
Most of the commenters just advised the author to let it go and simply go on living their own life
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OP got dropped because: 1. She knows too many of sister's secrets, like the cheating and how she may have contracted HPV. Sister is afraid she will spill the beans to the rest of the family and the fiancee. 2. She is a way for sister to displace her own anxiety and negative feelings. Why process them maturely when you can just target someone else and put the blame on them? 3. Sister has dropped lots of people in the past and this is a pattern for her. Oh well. Maybe OP will get invited to sister's next wedding.
I agree with Tmink0220’s comment. When you focus all the emotional weight of a problem on one person, and the crisis passes, then that person becomes the face of said problem. You want to be rid of any reminders, thus leading to feeling suffocated and cutting off the OP as the end is in site. No one is right or wrong in this situation. Both have emotional issues that need(ed) to be worked on. Sucks that the family is being dragged into this with zero information.
Erm I'm calling total b******t on the sisters health story. Like, I think she wasn't even ill or it wasn't serious at all. When the OP started getting closer to the truth ( whatever that is but I think it's scammy) she did a runner and cut her off. I think she was scared her sister would tell family or call the hospital etc. I don't think she had any surgery and that's why she was defensive and evasive. Something stinks in this story and the OP's character of anxiety and fussing over others may have made the sister want her attention and like it in the beginning. Then her 'health issue' got bigger and she had to go along with the drama. I think there are lies being told here.
You have some issues you need to address. Your sister is a narcissist and a user. You said you knew she uses people, yet you let her use you, too. And now you feel bad about her exhibiting behaviour YOU knew she would after her 'crisis' with her health is over? Come on! Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you that needy? Your sister is a manipulative mess and you are the sheep. Cut her and her drama out of your life and move on. Lesson learned, and you need to warn others about her.
Have we figured out the illness caused by her infidelity yet? I assumed, based on her actions of not wanting anyone to know, thought it was HIV which is now treatable, but that wouldn’t have caused her to have to have surgery.
It looks like it was HPV (human papillomavirus) as per OP’s comments.
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Not sure if I'm remembering the timeline correctly, but perhaps OP's support wasn't needed anymore after the fiancé found out-began to support the sister? Also, once it became clear that the issue would be resolved soon, the sister wanted to move on from the embarrassment-but the frequent calls from OP made it difficult. Either way, she's ungrateful and doesn't deserve such a sweet sister. Geez, it could have all been avoided in 30 seconds. "I don't really want to talk about this anymore. I'm good".
I always want to know who is the eldest and who is the youngest in these.
This feels like it was just badly handled. If you feel suffocated by someone's anxiety, tell them gently and politely you need a little more space. And tell them that early. Then start muting or whatever you need to do to get some space. Don't let it reach a breaking point. That hurts EVERYONE involved. Like here
So Sister screws around and gets an STD!! Then she cuts off a person who was there for her when a lot of others wouldn't have been. Cut her off she is flat out trash. Her fiance is a moron if he marries her!!!
Ok..not that my opinion means anything but the way I read this is that her sister needed to vent and talk as a way to deal with her stress anxiety. Although u listened I feel like you didnt understand that and instead she became your project and she didnt have the emotional or physical energy to deal with anxiety. If I were your sister and dealing with something catastrophic I would became annoyed if u were calling on me multiples times a day...because it is now about u . I would like to know your sister's side because there is something missing as 2 why u were not invited to her wedding. I can see u being upset about that.
As some1 who's had serious illness, OP sounds exhausting, pushy+oblivious. Not being able2tell ur family doesn't leave u "managing an emotional burden alone" that's what THERAPISTS r4. From what I read, OP's sister set a boundary that OP didn't respect and OP kept pushing. This is almost certainly NOT the 1st time, but the sister decided, this was going2b the last. What's important2remember is that good intentions don't keep u from causing harm2those u care about. 2nd, therapists r great resources for teaching u how2b a support system w/o dumping ur emotions on the person u r supporting or crossing their boundaries. OP CLEARLY sees this as a "I didn't do anything wrong and I don't understand why anyone would be upset" scenario, likely because they ignored what their sister was actually saying and heard only what fit into their own narrative. It isn't uncommon for healthy ppl to be self centered, tactless, insulting, intrusive and to infantilize ppl who r sick in the name of "support."
It sounds like the sister craved op's attention in the beginning but grew tired of it and shut her out. Just a guess, though. Sister sounds like a narcissist that uses people for emotional support then cuts them off before others find out they've been used.
Or vice versa. The OP is a narcissist who made her sister's issue as her reason to exist. She could be important and superior to her sister and therefore justified being annoying by the constant contact.
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How many times a day did OP check on the sister and was I really her sister initiating all that contact? I'm asking because when I first moved out, everybody was all up in arms when I went temporarily NC with my mother who was "just worried about me" until I would tell them that she calls 15 times a day and sends up to 30 texts. It took me going NC with her to finally back off a bit and handle her own anxieties.
Sounds like OP meds to seriously get over herself and this messianic complex.
To me it just seemed like she was worried for her sister, not believing she had to "save her". Some people just want to help how they can.
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I used to have this 'friend' that would call me 6+ times a day just to see what was going on. It was so hard to get her off the phone. She felt the need to tell me about the poop her child made and other things equally annoying. So, I can understand sister not wanting her around
I don't think that's the same situation, based on the comments & responses. OP said her sick sister was the one to initiate multiple contract per day, saying she was in pain.
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This is not AITA. This is r/trueoffmychest. That's a completely different Reddit where people go to rant about situations that felt hurtful or needed to be shared. People go there for catharsis, not judgement. OP is not asking for opinions. OP is trying to get relief from a situation that hurt them and they couldn't quit thinking about.
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OP got dropped because: 1. She knows too many of sister's secrets, like the cheating and how she may have contracted HPV. Sister is afraid she will spill the beans to the rest of the family and the fiancee. 2. She is a way for sister to displace her own anxiety and negative feelings. Why process them maturely when you can just target someone else and put the blame on them? 3. Sister has dropped lots of people in the past and this is a pattern for her. Oh well. Maybe OP will get invited to sister's next wedding.
I agree with Tmink0220’s comment. When you focus all the emotional weight of a problem on one person, and the crisis passes, then that person becomes the face of said problem. You want to be rid of any reminders, thus leading to feeling suffocated and cutting off the OP as the end is in site. No one is right or wrong in this situation. Both have emotional issues that need(ed) to be worked on. Sucks that the family is being dragged into this with zero information.
Erm I'm calling total b******t on the sisters health story. Like, I think she wasn't even ill or it wasn't serious at all. When the OP started getting closer to the truth ( whatever that is but I think it's scammy) she did a runner and cut her off. I think she was scared her sister would tell family or call the hospital etc. I don't think she had any surgery and that's why she was defensive and evasive. Something stinks in this story and the OP's character of anxiety and fussing over others may have made the sister want her attention and like it in the beginning. Then her 'health issue' got bigger and she had to go along with the drama. I think there are lies being told here.
You have some issues you need to address. Your sister is a narcissist and a user. You said you knew she uses people, yet you let her use you, too. And now you feel bad about her exhibiting behaviour YOU knew she would after her 'crisis' with her health is over? Come on! Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you that needy? Your sister is a manipulative mess and you are the sheep. Cut her and her drama out of your life and move on. Lesson learned, and you need to warn others about her.
Have we figured out the illness caused by her infidelity yet? I assumed, based on her actions of not wanting anyone to know, thought it was HIV which is now treatable, but that wouldn’t have caused her to have to have surgery.
It looks like it was HPV (human papillomavirus) as per OP’s comments.
Load More Replies... Not sure if I'm remembering the timeline correctly, but perhaps OP's support wasn't needed anymore after the fiancé found out-began to support the sister? Also, once it became clear that the issue would be resolved soon, the sister wanted to move on from the embarrassment-but the frequent calls from OP made it difficult. Either way, she's ungrateful and doesn't deserve such a sweet sister. Geez, it could have all been avoided in 30 seconds. "I don't really want to talk about this anymore. I'm good".
I always want to know who is the eldest and who is the youngest in these.
This feels like it was just badly handled. If you feel suffocated by someone's anxiety, tell them gently and politely you need a little more space. And tell them that early. Then start muting or whatever you need to do to get some space. Don't let it reach a breaking point. That hurts EVERYONE involved. Like here
So Sister screws around and gets an STD!! Then she cuts off a person who was there for her when a lot of others wouldn't have been. Cut her off she is flat out trash. Her fiance is a moron if he marries her!!!
Ok..not that my opinion means anything but the way I read this is that her sister needed to vent and talk as a way to deal with her stress anxiety. Although u listened I feel like you didnt understand that and instead she became your project and she didnt have the emotional or physical energy to deal with anxiety. If I were your sister and dealing with something catastrophic I would became annoyed if u were calling on me multiples times a day...because it is now about u . I would like to know your sister's side because there is something missing as 2 why u were not invited to her wedding. I can see u being upset about that.
As some1 who's had serious illness, OP sounds exhausting, pushy+oblivious. Not being able2tell ur family doesn't leave u "managing an emotional burden alone" that's what THERAPISTS r4. From what I read, OP's sister set a boundary that OP didn't respect and OP kept pushing. This is almost certainly NOT the 1st time, but the sister decided, this was going2b the last. What's important2remember is that good intentions don't keep u from causing harm2those u care about. 2nd, therapists r great resources for teaching u how2b a support system w/o dumping ur emotions on the person u r supporting or crossing their boundaries. OP CLEARLY sees this as a "I didn't do anything wrong and I don't understand why anyone would be upset" scenario, likely because they ignored what their sister was actually saying and heard only what fit into their own narrative. It isn't uncommon for healthy ppl to be self centered, tactless, insulting, intrusive and to infantilize ppl who r sick in the name of "support."
It sounds like the sister craved op's attention in the beginning but grew tired of it and shut her out. Just a guess, though. Sister sounds like a narcissist that uses people for emotional support then cuts them off before others find out they've been used.
Or vice versa. The OP is a narcissist who made her sister's issue as her reason to exist. She could be important and superior to her sister and therefore justified being annoying by the constant contact.
Load More Replies... How many times a day did OP check on the sister and was I really her sister initiating all that contact? I'm asking because when I first moved out, everybody was all up in arms when I went temporarily NC with my mother who was "just worried about me" until I would tell them that she calls 15 times a day and sends up to 30 texts. It took me going NC with her to finally back off a bit and handle her own anxieties.
Sounds like OP meds to seriously get over herself and this messianic complex.
To me it just seemed like she was worried for her sister, not believing she had to "save her". Some people just want to help how they can.
Load More Replies... I used to have this 'friend' that would call me 6+ times a day just to see what was going on. It was so hard to get her off the phone. She felt the need to tell me about the poop her child made and other things equally annoying. So, I can understand sister not wanting her around
I don't think that's the same situation, based on the comments & responses. OP said her sick sister was the one to initiate multiple contract per day, saying she was in pain.
Load More Replies... This is not AITA. This is r/trueoffmychest. That's a completely different Reddit where people go to rant about situations that felt hurtful or needed to be shared. People go there for catharsis, not judgement. OP is not asking for opinions. OP is trying to get relief from a situation that hurt them and they couldn't quit thinking about.
Load More Replies...
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