“I Adopted My Dog, Not Her”: Woman Splits Family And The Internet With Her Clapback To SIL
One of the best parts of the holiday season is spending time with loved ones. But does that include the fluffy and furry members of our families as well? Do pets get to have a say in how we celebrate?
Below, you’ll find a story that was recently shared on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, detailing how one woman’s sister-in-law has requested that she accommodate her needs over her dog’s this Christmas.
Due to unexpected circumstances, this woman and her husband have become responsible for hosting their family’s Christmas
Image credits: Samson Katt / pexels (not the actual photo)
But her sister-in-law has expressed that she won’t be attending the celebration unless there are no dogs in the house
Image credits: Wilson Vitorino / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andreas Schnabl / pexels (not the actual photo)
Later, the woman explained that she already offered to keep her dog in a separate room
Image credits: New-Prize-7698
She also responded to a few replies from readers and provided even more info on the situation
7 to 9% of the population has a fear of dogs
While dogs are considered to be man’s best friend, and they’re the most popular pet in the United States with over 65 million households having at least one, they can also be seen as terrifying creatures to some. According to Healthline, cynophobia, or the fear of dogs, is estimated to affect between 7 to 9% of the population.
Risk factors that make a person more susceptible to developing cynophobia are: having a traumatic experience with a dog, having a close relative who also has anxiety or phobias, having a sensitive temperament that may increase your likelihood of developing phobias, or being a young age, as specific phobias often pop up before the age of 10.
Some things that may trigger cynophobia are seeing a dog, even if it’s on a leash or enclosed, hearing a dog bark or growl, seeing a photo or movie that contains a dog, thinking about dogs or having to go somewhere that dogs might be present. And as far as treating cynophobia, the Cleveland Clinic notes that it can be helpful to see pictures or videos of friendly dogs, hold a toy dog, watch dogs from a distance, pet a dog while it’s on a leash and spend time with a dog off leash.
Image credits: Rodrigo Hanna / pexels (not the actual photo)
Rescue dogs often have trauma, and it’s important to be gentle while socializing them
It may be easier to understand how a human can be scared of dogs, as we are more familiar with one another’s emotions, but dogs can actually carry trauma and experience emotional distress as well. Healing Fur Souls notes on their site that most rescue dogs have likely experienced some level of trauma, such as abandonment, neglect, fear, violence or sudden changes in their environment.
Because of their experiences, Puppy In Training explains that it’s likely to expect some fear and anxiety, a lack of socialization, trust issues, and perhaps even behavioral issues from rescue dogs. Just like humans, they need time to adapt to a new environment, and they will likely be unsure if their new home will be permanent for a while.
When it comes to socializing an adult dog, Hound’s Lounge says to take it slow. Try to limit stressors in your dog’s environment and take time to build a routine and consistency. Stay positive, and start by taking your dog on walks to get them used to being with you. Over time, you can introduce them to other adult dogs, then adult humans, and eventually puppies and children.
Image credits: Samson Katt / pexels (not the actual photo)
Boarding can be incredibly stressful for dogs and should be avoided if possible
As far as the sister’s suggestion to simply board the dog in this situation on Reddit, it’s understandable why the dog’s owner would be hesitant to do so. Doglando explains on their site that being placed in a kennel can be extremely distressing for a dog, as they’re in a new situation with unfamiliar dogs and humans. They might become anxious and worried and perhaps even act out.
Our furry friends can also be exposed to illnesses from other dogs or develop bad behavior that they’ve observed from their fellow boarders. They might become more aggressive or perhaps even be traumatized by other aggressive dogs they’re forced to spend time around. Dogs also might not get enough time and space to exercise while they’re being boarded. It’s much better for dogs to stay in their own homes with a pet sitter whenever possible.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think it was unreasonable for the sister-in-law to request that her relatives keep their dog away? Or should her family have accommodated her? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing family drama surrounding a dog, look no further than right here.
Image credits: iddea photo / pexels (not the actual photo)
Some readers noted that the situation could have been handled better by all parties involved
Meanwhile, others thought that the woman should have been more compassionate towards her SIL
And some assured the OP that she had done nothing wrong
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I know I am going to get downvoted for this but I am on the side of the OP. Your sister in law's problems are her problems not yours. While I am all in favour of making reasonable adjustments to accommodate other people, expecting you to put a newly adopted dog into kennels for her visit is not what I would consider reasonable. I fully understand and sympathise with trauma and the anxiety it causes, I have been there myself, but expecting everyone to adapt and adjust to accommodate her is neither reasonable or fair. If she is unable or unwilling to get help and treatment for her mental health then she needs to accept that there are things that she won't be able to do if they are triggering for her.
I agree with you. I didn't read the OPs comment about adopting the dog was as a dig at the SIL. I read it as I adopted the dog, I didn't invite/bring you into the family. I really think it is up to your brother to make alternate arrangements. He KNEW you had a dog, his and the SIL's issue, not the OP's.
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I am so tired of hearing about people and their "triggers". That is a YOU problem, not a problem for everyone around you. If YOU can't handle a certain type of animal, or person, or situation, then it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to avoid it.
100%. while i have no issues being aware of peoples triggers and i will do a reasonable amount to not activate them, i will only do that if they are actively working on helping themselves. its not anyone elses responsibility except the person who has the issue to get it dealt with. thats life. there are things from my past that bother me(technically triggers) but thats my problem. I can not subject myself to the situation or I can work with the therapist to get through it. its not the hosts job.
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After adopting rescue dogs (3x10yrs each time), I can sympathise with the OP. One in particular had been injured by a man and struggled to be around them, but he gradually began to accept the male side of my family and friends. Because of his (permanent) injury, he spent over a year in an animal shelter. He was about 18mths old when I took him home (nobody else wanted him), thin and mangy, so NO WAY would I have ever sent him back to any kind of kennel environment. I initially missed the OPs response to the SiL, but having it pointed out, yes, she could have handled it better (prob didn't think how bad her comment was att). But still, after SiL refusing the offer of separating them, I would still NOT do that to my dog - a part of my family.
100% After we adopted our pup, we would not even bring him with us when we dropped off donations. It took almost a year for him not to get upset when we took his collar off.
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I was attacked by a Rottweiler when I was about 9… still have the scars. Wasn’t my dog but my dad’s bosses, my dad was the one who pulled her off me. I knew that dog since she was a pup and was also raised with dogs and cats, her owner was TA and she snapped for reasons I still can’t fathom (I think my friend and I were simply being too loud and she full on turned in the middle of a field during a walk (unleashed) and just charged me). Regardless, even at that age, I recognized it wasn’t fully the dogs fault. I’ve owned dogs since, and big ones. I can see the logic behind her fear but I also think shes overdramatize her “trauma”…. However, with saying that, people do deal with their own traumas to each their own. Still, that dog is adopted and in the middle of learning how to deal with his own trauma and it is 100% the owner’s responsibility to guide that process and an adult human should understand that and accept the compromises offered.
1. The thing about "triggers" is that the person who has them is responsible for having strategies for recognizing and managing them. Their trauma is the "gun" and those things come with triggers. The rest of the world can't and won't modify itself for something something as individual as somebody's health issues. Nice when it happens, but you can't move forward in your life expecting it. 2. OP might just need to drop the Christmas bomb of saying, "While I am sorry that I accidentally hurt SIL's feelings, it is clear that what our household has to offer is not what the family wants or needs out of a host. Looks like the family is going to need another plan." Push back on the pushiness.
NTA. I have three dogs. My house is full of dog hair. Sometimes people who come over complain about the dog hair. Said complainers are told "THEY (the dogs) live here, YOU don't, sorry about the mess, there's a lint roller in the bathroom".
I have a great metal decorative sign in my house that says the dogs are my family and if you don't like hair, don't sit on the furniture, and that chances are I like the dogs better than people.
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I don't understand how you can be that afraid of dogs and manage life day to day? Everywhere I go, there are dogs (love them), but wouldn't it be safer to have therapy? When I did have a dog, I was walking him in a local park on a lead, and a child was scared - I came around a corner and met the child and his mother. He nearly went into water, just on seeing my dog. I turned away but I'd be afraid they
But I'd be afraid they would move into traffic on a footpath. The SIL needs therapy, if she cannot even listen to a dog.
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My dogs are my family. They come first for me. If the SIL has a problem, they could sleep at a hotel nearby if they think they can't sleep with a dog in the house. She has that option and it won't traumatize her to do it. Boarding an abused and recovering dog in a kennel for the Holidays is cruel and traumatizing itself. Not only that but there are diseases he could catch, especially the potentially fatal one going around now.
I’m trying to imagine if I were invited to be a gracious houseguest somewhere that would fundamentally give me anxiety. Would I see if I could be accommodated or would I be such a self-serving entitled brat that I, myself, would weaponize my past trauma then DARVO the host. Clearly, this is an abstract hypothetical, because NO! I’d never ask for such an accommodation. Certainly wouldn’t demand it then vilify my host. This would be an opportunity for me to confront my fear or, if that’s not plausible, I’d stay in a hotel. Didn’t BP recently post an article on the stats that shows just how much pet owners love & emotionally attach to their dogs as people do with their children? Isn’t that the most current research findings? Our 8-mo old English Mastiff is 120 pounds of rambunctious puppy. I’m turning away any & all people who are afraid of dogs unless this is the dog they want to overcome their fears with. Because my love for my puppy is more than my love for my SILs/BILs.
We have a dog. A sweet one, but as we are not visited very often, she isn't used to have visitors in her realm a.k.a. our apartment. Whenever someone comes in and it is not one of her favourite humans she barks. No biting, no jumping, just barking and following that human around as long as he or she is moving. So I am asking everyone If that is okay before I let anyone come in. Of course I send my dog to her blanket or just play or train with her so she is distracted and busy. If someone is not okay with this, she has to stay in a seperate room but this is for short visits only like craftpersons. I do not expect that everybody loves my dog like I do. If we can't take her with us to visit someone, we rather stay at home or meet outside where our dog can be held away from that person. No one have to love our dog but everyone have to respect that we set the rules.
Ours has the same issue (among many others but related to trauma) being adopted durin covid. The concept "visitor" is not something he has able to learn ☹️ Not that we get a lot of people over but for the first 1.5 years nobody else crossed the door... Smt that helped is the following (this was recommended by a dog behaviorist): When we get visitors, whenever possible and specially when is the first time they are visiting, we take him for a walk 15/20' before,and we met the visitor/s outside our apartment and bring some treats so they can offer some to him like a Goodwill gesture. We talk a bit outside, and to move inside we open the door, visitor/s enter first, then us with our dog. This sends a signal like "my humans allowed the strange first and I'm going in after, so it's ok for them to be here". The other way around is like a stranger entering their territory. All of our friends know this, and little by little for some of them we can skip this ritual completely. Hope this helps!
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I don't feel like the comment was aimed at SIL's past. Even if it was, I don't find it terribly unreasonable given the way SIL was acting. A bit like slapping someone having "hysterics", it sounds like it might have been the shock required to end the pushing. Dogs aren't decorations to be shoved aside when inconvenient; that anyone would even suggest doing so is very sad.
I don't either. I think she was honestly talking about the dog. I get her comparison and even when I read it, I didn't see the issue until OP re-pointed out the woman aged out of the foster system. I'm thick in the head but not that thick. I feel like the SIL just grabbed the word adopted and ran with it "LALALALALALALAICANTHEARYOU" ignoring OP's explanation, all the way to the rest of the family.
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It wasn't until I was about halfway through the comments that the "adopted" bit sank in. I don't think that was an intentional dig on OP's part, just an accidental coincidence. OP said she was going to apologize for that, and I will give her the benefit of the doubt. NTA.
me too. not until she pointed it out did i even understand the story.
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I think I would have been more blunt lol like you're family but so is the dog and you're not even trying to include him as he also has trauma 🤣 give me a break, who TF tries to tell someone to board their dog in order for them to visit? That's entitled, and it would open the door for more BS like that...or set the bar for future visits and the dog doesn't deserve that. It all feels unnecessary and dramatic...and attention seeking. Nta for sure op.
Also, what does Sylvia do when the dogs in the neighborhood bark or howl, and what about in the real world where dogs exist despite her trauma? If it's that bad, is she in therapy? Like how is she living in this reality?
Load More Replies... DO NOT attack nor dismiss a member of the family that I chose. I will happily cut you out of my life in favor of that furry companion.
Sounds like the sister in law has a history of being unreasonable and the op was tired of it. Everyone has triggers but its your own responsibility to deal with it dont be unreasonable knowing they have a dog stay somewhere else if its that bad. Thats the dogs safe place
There'd be no way I'd keep the dog in a room for days while guest were at my house. A few hours maybe but not days. SIL & brother can stay in a motel while dog is in a seperate room when guest are at the house for a few hours of festivities. Or SIL & brother can host the gathering at their house.
Guess what, my family in the household is me and my wife. We had a cat until a couple of years ago. Rules were, it's our house, our rules and if you can't deal with the cat then don't come. It's not that we don't love you, but our immediate family is me, wife and cat. Don't like it? Don't come. The family can stay at a hotel.
Sorry your house your rules, hosting the holiday fell in to your lap. And your sister in law needs to respect that. they can stay somewhere else and still spend the holidays with you. And as a dog owner you are going to take care of him. Your sister in laws request to send him away is c**p, even if she has a child hood trama, hearing the word adopt wasnt directed toward her. And she took it over board. That's not her place to make requests like that. I would have reacted the same way. They are coming in to your home. And should figure out a way to make it work. I mean you tried making Accommodations for her and your brother to be there. But you should not have to sacrifice your dog for the holiday. Would I have worded it a little differently yes, but you got your point across as well.
My dog is part of my family. Asking me to send him away for Christmas would be like asking to send my children away. Could OP have worded it differently? Yes. But you can be sure as hell that anyone that didn't want my dog to be with me for Christmas would not be welcome here.
I've been bit by dogs, unwanted by my parents, and have multiple issues mentally. You know what everyone tells me? Go get therapy or suck it up. I don't believe in being as tone deaf as telling someone to suck it up, but you should seek some help if even the barking is bothering you. What does she do knowing a neighbor's dog has the potential to crash through their door? What does she do if she hears barking next door? Can she not go for walks or jogs? Dogs are everywhere. If she's making the excuse that she wouldn't be able to handle even knowing all the dog is on another side of a door, she needs help. And yeah, I did not take OP's comment as a snark towards her being in foster care. That's something therapy can help too.
Anyone saying that OP is the a*****e wouldn't be welcome in my home or near my children. When you take in an animal it becomes part of the family and if someone comes to your home it is not their place to say a member of your family has to leave and to the people saying she's an a*****e for her phrasing I say grow some balls and shut the f**k up. Too many s****y people get away with not having anything mean said to them because of "triggers" well your triggers are your f*****g problem not mine and if you try to make them my problem I will gladly show you how badly you have f****d up. I had a s**t childhood but I don't get all whiney when something from it presents in my adult life. NTA by a mile and anyone saying so is a piece of s**t.
OP was harsher than needed, but I can see her point. However, I think there's a solution that wasn't mentioned (though I didn't read all the replies to the original post). The sister-in-law said she wouldn't be able to sleep with the dog in the house, so why not keep the dog in another room during the day, and then the sister-in-law and her husband spend their nights in a hotel? If the sister-in-law would still be too anxious, it might be time for her to put her big girl pants on and learn to deal with it, or maybe get some medication to relax her.
Not acceptable to the SIL. It was explained in the comments below the article. It would trigger her regardless. She would know it was there, would/might hear it barking too, etc.
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SIL needs therapy. She’s 33! She is using her childhood as a cudgel. I lost a child, I didn’t make my friends send their children away! SIL is being unreasonable. The dog is part of the family now and is going through its own trauma and shouldn’t feel punished because of SIL. Tell them to rent a room or stay home! Your dog is your responsibility her feelings are hers, she’s an adult time to get a grip and act like one!
@Martin734 - agree. Op is not responsible for SILs issues.She is welcome but doggie stays.She can't deal - her problem. One could also simply move the festivities to SILs house - and all's resolved.
Ugh if I hear the word "triggered" one more time as an excuse I'm going to puke! Your triggers your problem. Guests do not have the right to ask you to remove anything from your home to visit. Period! I don't really like and am a bit afraid of babies (I never had one my stepchildren were toddlers when we married) should I ask all my friends to put them in daycare before I'll visit? No because that would make me an AH!
OP made other accommodations possible other than the one she isn't willing to consider: boarding her dog. She has been completely reasonable and while she may have not phrased what she said to Sylvia the best way, she's not an AH here. Neither is Sylvia really. Both stances are understandable. It's the situation that sucks and the current available/willing choices aren't amenable to either of them. So, obviously the person needing the accommodation needs to figure out what they're going to do. Where things stand, it's up to Sylvia and husband to figure out what's best for them. NAH. I agree that we should treat trauma with empathy and respect but that doesn't mean the entire world has to cater to that person's needs, especially when other options are available.
Perfectly said 👌🏾 Hopefully sil gets some therapy soon, this cant possibly be healthy in the long term since dogs are almost everywhere
Load More Replies... SIL is the one weaponizing her trauma NOT op. Plus, i know several friends who had very bad experiences with kennels up to the poor animal passing away due to illnesses caught from other dogs. There’s also news stories weekly about abuse of animals at the facilities. Is brother and sister in law paying for boarding???? This function is not usually held at OPs house. We all have triggers and trauma to various levels.
My evil twin would find recording of barking dogs to play on small Bluetooth speakers around house.
Her dog, her house, her rules. Why should this woman pay for a kennel, traumatize her dog, and spend the holidays without him because of the dramatics of SIL? Does SIL do this all the time? Is she a attention seeker that needs constant validation of how much you care? I'm asking because the comment OP made. It was cruel to say knowing full well of her past. Kinda seems like there is already underlying hostility. I would try to be considerate & compromise but it takes gall to even ask what she did and she shoots down every attempt at a compromise. I'm sorry but no 1 should be quilted into doing something they aren't comfortable with to accomodate the needs of 1 person. There was a dog on my flight the other day. What would SIL do? The world doesn't stop because we have a problem, It's up to us, as adults, to manage it & if that means SIL staying at hotel, then so be it. Or u can fib & say u can't find a vaccine tag so kennel wont take him 🤷 , then she'll have no choice but to comp
I agree with the commenters who said that OP was justified in keeping the dog at her house over Christmas and Sylvia spending the holiday somewhere else this year if it (understandably) would upset her to be in the same house with the dog; but that OP worded it REALLY badly to Sylvia. Glad to see that OP said she would apologize for her wording.
In the comments it says their apartment is too small for them to host
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I "loved" the one comment of "...volunteer at a dog rescue shelter..." and then goes on about how OP is putting her dog before a human, and the answer seems to be that pets are disposable. OP tried to accommodate by putting the dog in another room, but SIL (who's fear is real) isn't willing to bend. People all focused on the adoption comment - which was misspoke/wrong - and OP did say she needs to apologize, and not on the fact that SIL has stated that "she is family (meaning that pets are disposable) and they NEED to be accommodating to her; but SIL isn't willing to meet them half way, as family should do.
Flat out. Sylvia is the A. Does she demand her neighbors to board their dogs? Sylvia has trauma about dogs, even their barking. Okay. So her neighbors must muzzle their pets to keep them quiet for Sylvia's sake? If she doesn't like dogs, it is not a requirement she go to OP's home. I call Sylvia an entitled Karen!
I have a huge phobia of dogs as well, as my dog when I was younger jumped on me and severely injured me, leaving scars. But even now I'm ok and I have MORE dogs even bigger than he was. SIL needs to calm down, I don't know what happened but she should have gotten therapy for this if it's that uncomfortable for her. The dog cannot get over trauma in a boarding place, OP's sister can. Downvote me all you want, I don't care. I know I'm speaking the truth. Edit: I still get anxiety and "triggered" around dogs if they're way too rough or jump on me, but I don't think it's enough to have to send the dog away or separate them from everyone else
I think Sylvia should work on her own issues before trying to cause a rift. I'm scared of rats but I still visit my niece who has pet rats. At first I was rigid trying to keep them in sight but not look at them. I'm more relaxed now but still scared. I just love my niece more than I fear rats. Also, I have multiple other phobias but I'm an adult so I don't expect people to bend over backwards to facilitate me. I just put my big girl pants on and get on with it! That's what grown ups HAVE to do to function!
NTA and why are people these days so unable, incapable or unaware that hotels do exist? So many people want to stay for Daaaaaaaaays with family over the holidays. That's a freaking nightmare. No! Stay in a hotel room. Problem solved. If she has an issue with your dog, sssssh Don't tell her, dogs exist and are just about everywhere! Service dogs, on planes, in work spaces, in restaurants, in areas everywhere. Sorry SIL maybe about time she STOP being a victim and get some therapy and stop making her issues everyone else's. I'm not unsympathetic to people who have trauma, I have a husband who suffers from. PTSD from Vietnam, so I know! But there is zero reason for anyone to make their trauma others trauma. She's ridiculous. Stick to your plan and send her lists of hotels in the area.
The man opened up his house because his parents house was unlivable. Why didn't the brother take the parents and the holiday meal? This would have fixed the entire situation. Why didn't the brother take up the holiday meal????
The post says their apartment isn't big enough to host.
Load More Replies... For God's sake, people are ridiculous. Everybody uses the word "adopt" when referring to taking in a pet, especially a rescue animal. If SIL chose to take that as an insult, that's on her, not OP. As it stands, OP does have a responsibility to her dog, shelters and animal charities are strict about who they adopt animals out to, OP probably had to jump tons of hoops to get approved to take in her animal. She's passionate about the dog and if SIL has a problem, so much of one she can't even be in the house if the dog is in it, she needs to stay in a hotel and maybe get some therapy. This is ridiculous, she's being ridiculous. And for the record, I'm not a dog person, but I would never demand a host board their dog while I was staying in their home
Absolutely so many English scholars out there…. Judging intent. TBH on initial reading, I’m on side with OP. Then usage of adopt could be a honest comment in regards to pooch, but also could be a sly trigger for SIL. As I can’t hear the conversation to know how it was said, then I’m not about to condemn OP or not. Congrats Pandas, reading this has wakened me to the fact that Facebook rules…. Applause to those that bucked the trend and tried to help.
There would be a valid risk to your sil AND your dog if they were occupying the same space. You said “still working on retraining and socializing him, and SO FAR he’s been fine around MOST people.” You also said sil is “ petrified” her body language and terror will absolutely affect a sensitive or anxious dog and could cause an incident. If the dog is anxious around her and bites he could end up being put down by law and if he barks at your sil or gets to close she could have a panic attack severe enough to warrant a hospital visit. Really the situation sucks for both sil and dog. Unfortunately hosting Christmas at your house immediately excludes either dog or your brother and his wife and you made a choice. You can’t attack your sil for that and suggest she’s unreasonable to be upset and not be able to just go because she CAN’T. Trauma is not her choice or her being entitled and throwing it in her face absolutely shows a lack of compassion. I feel really sorry for her being excluded.
I would stay home before I would ask someone to remove a living thing from their own home.
This Is a tough situation for everybody, imo... The dog owner can't be ordered by Sylvia to just rehome the dog for a few days. Sylvia can't be forced to be in the same space as the dog by the dog owner either. Unfortunately, Sylvia has to make a decision to avoid this trigger, and OP needs to accept that her adopting large, traumatized dog is going to split the family apart... If She didn't want that, she shouldn't have adopt the dog...
I think maybe OP could try to explain to her SIL that it was traumatizing for the dog to be fostered, because it was for her. If put that way maybe she will understand, but of course OP needs to apologize for the way she said that about him being adopted.
This is all horse manure. Surely the SIL can forego one Christmas without the whole family ? She and her husband can just either have it on their own or with other friends / family.
Don't like dogs or the accommodations then don't act a victim and don't come over
As a child I was terrified of dogs to the point we crossed over to the other side of the road to avoid one... Dad decided one year that I was getting a floof ball for Christmas, best thing he ever did.. I've had dogs for over 60 years and at the age of eight I ran past a German Shepard that was tethered outside a shop and got bit on my thigh.. my fault should have known better than to run past a strange dog... Still wary of GSD though ;)
I saw my brother get nearly mauled to death when he was four and it left him permanently scarred. My brothers and I had a fear of dogs when we were children because of it. But as adults both my brothers and I love dogs now. I know this is a personal situation and not everyone is going to respond the same but trauma is something you have to learn to manage even if it takes years to do. My dog now is very important to me, I'm not pushing him out. Of course, if I knew it would be a stressful situation I would keep him somewhere else in the house for the most part but it seems here that isn't an option.
The only reply that counted was the one from a prior dog attack survivor, no one else’s opinion is overly valid after that.
Really unpopular opinion however I have noticed a trend in the so called compassion of the internet. It tends to be all for pets and none for people. Ops sis in law finally found a family and hope of being loved only to have OP cruelly flinging it back in her face. Compassion should not be a one or the other deal. While I understand Op wanting to protect her dog, she should never have used those hateful words to her SIL. Whether OP likes it or not she is a part of that family and just as worthy of love and compassion as her rescue dog. My husband also has trauma induced phobia of dogs. (I had a dog at the time we were married.) By showing compassion for both I have helped him make progress with his phobia. While he is still uneasy around dogs he's gotten better with dealing with them. Hurting sil will not help heal her phobia at all. Saying that OPS dog was more worthy of adoption love and family was cruel wrong and selfish. Her actions not bad, but her words were.
nobody said the dog was more worthy. they said the dog has less ability to handle its trauma whereas sil can. and of course people are going to lean towards animals more than humans. animals havent destroyed the planet and started wars. they live for a few years, give us total love and then die too early. people tend to stay around and make things worse. I'm not sure why you would be against that..people can try and be better. animals are already better.
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Okay I understand why she was upset but the context makes the "I adopted my dog not you" so much funnier. I may be a bad person for that but I'm sorry it's like a bad comedy skit
Why can't the dog stay with the friend as planned when the OP was going out of town? Tripling the size of the household while the dog is still in transition is a terrible idea. By the OP's own admission (though she uses different words) the dog is unpredictable the added stress is going to affect him and she can't be sure how much or in what way. Her sister-in-law is fearful and the dog will probably sense it. If he knows she fears him, he could become aggressive. If he doesn't know what she's afraid of, he may become fearful also. Either way, no onr can ensure how he will react and she's putting him in an unfair position. She doesn't care as much about her dog's safety as she does about winning the argument.
The dog wasn't going to a sitter, the sitter was coming to the dog.
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I fully understand not wanting to board your dog, I wouldn't either... but you definitely could have handled that better... soft YTA for the way you handled it, NTA for not wanting to board your dog...
We have a rescue and I get the OP's concern about boarding a rescue. However.... reading between the lines it seems that this dog can in fact be a bit frightening to a person traumatized by dogs when she was a kid. She says that the dog is mostly good with her brother now, meaning that perhaps the SIL is aware of or witnessed the dog not being ok with him because he is a man. That would cause me concern if I were her. I get her position. The OP is telling us the whole story about this pup's behavior that might be intimidating. Our dog would only want to go and make friends and lean with a new person, but it sounds like their dog might scare some others. I'm a dog lover but I understand that if you have an imperfect, traumatized dog that you rescued, that you have a responsibility to all people.
And that's all fine and reasonable, but asking her to send him away and pay to have him boarded, so she can stay there (in comfort for free) because she can't even be in the same house? That is does not sound reasonable to me. It's not as if OP invited her and they had months to plan. This was unforseen circumstances that created this mess, so why should she, the person gracious enough to host everyone, cook and pay for the food, Also have to get rid of and pay for the boarding of her dog? 🤔 Just as if the OP was staying at SIL house and insisted upon taking the dog with her, ide say the swmr thing.. No, it's her home.
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Sure, her dog, her house, hers. BUT she did stupid with using those words. She only had it worded like that because she knows both beings were "adopted". Something like that, her brain knew. Maybe didn't mean to be malicious but sure was inconsiderate and a very stupid mistake on her part to have to phrase it like that. Could have been explained, or roughly out of frustration, a thousand other ways.
NAH. Having been in a similar situation to SIL I can emphasis with her problem. Just knowing that the dog is in the house can be very stressful, but it is.the only compromise that could work out. Rescue dogs especially are especially bad, because they usually have a lot of past trauma with them and can be unknown quantities. OPs adoption comment was an unintentional punch in the guts. She is no AH for.it, but SIL sure as hell will feel this way.
I'd gone with NTA if not for OP's snottiness. Pets are important to people and they have incredibly tight bonds with them, also, OP said they offered reasonable accommodation by keeping the dog away from SIL. If she can't sleep in the same house, they could have found accommodations nearby. But, by OP's statement, SIL said the mere presence of the dog and the mere idea of it barking 'triggers' SIL and that's too much. How does she ever leave the house? Dogs are everywhere, what if OP's neighbours have a dog and it barks and howls? What are they doing then? The problem is, the way OP talks about their SIL and the thoughtless, cruel comment and the complete lack of compassion and insistence that SIL's past os irrelevant because they didn't mean to relate to it tells me they're not very compassionate and make me doubtful if their recount of what SIL said and what they offered is honest. OP does everything to make SIL look bad and doesn't even apologize for hurting her.
This is the comment from OP: They’re meant to be staying for several days, we can’t keep him in one room the whole time. That said, we did offer to keep him separate for their whole trip but she said she will be triggered if she hears barking/howling, and she won’t be able to sleep knowing he’s in the house. Also she says knowing he’s there will make her anxious the whole time. I
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Not always that easy though. Rescue dogs can be a minefield of issues and some will react badly to being shut in another room. Mine would bark and scratch constantly as he hates being separated from people who are in the home, though he is okay with being left for a short while (doggy cams are so useful). Though he was a sad mess in day care as he is scared of other dogs after being attacked twice. As for 'if it was OPs own child', if it was trauma I hope they would get her help! That worked well for a friend's child who was terrified of dogs, but after seeing a specialist in phobias she is now a big dog fan and they got a large Goldendoodle. You really shouldn't leave children with unresolved trauma... sadly no one was there for the SIL, though she herself could get help now. My sister has an allergy to dogs, but when she visits I wash the dogs, clean the house as thoroughly as possible and she doses herself to the max. It can work.
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I know I am going to get downvoted for this but I am on the side of the OP. Your sister in law's problems are her problems not yours. While I am all in favour of making reasonable adjustments to accommodate other people, expecting you to put a newly adopted dog into kennels for her visit is not what I would consider reasonable. I fully understand and sympathise with trauma and the anxiety it causes, I have been there myself, but expecting everyone to adapt and adjust to accommodate her is neither reasonable or fair. If she is unable or unwilling to get help and treatment for her mental health then she needs to accept that there are things that she won't be able to do if they are triggering for her.
I agree with you. I didn't read the OPs comment about adopting the dog was as a dig at the SIL. I read it as I adopted the dog, I didn't invite/bring you into the family. I really think it is up to your brother to make alternate arrangements. He KNEW you had a dog, his and the SIL's issue, not the OP's.
Load More Replies... I am so tired of hearing about people and their "triggers". That is a YOU problem, not a problem for everyone around you. If YOU can't handle a certain type of animal, or person, or situation, then it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to avoid it.
100%. while i have no issues being aware of peoples triggers and i will do a reasonable amount to not activate them, i will only do that if they are actively working on helping themselves. its not anyone elses responsibility except the person who has the issue to get it dealt with. thats life. there are things from my past that bother me(technically triggers) but thats my problem. I can not subject myself to the situation or I can work with the therapist to get through it. its not the hosts job.
Load More Replies... After adopting rescue dogs (3x10yrs each time), I can sympathise with the OP. One in particular had been injured by a man and struggled to be around them, but he gradually began to accept the male side of my family and friends. Because of his (permanent) injury, he spent over a year in an animal shelter. He was about 18mths old when I took him home (nobody else wanted him), thin and mangy, so NO WAY would I have ever sent him back to any kind of kennel environment. I initially missed the OPs response to the SiL, but having it pointed out, yes, she could have handled it better (prob didn't think how bad her comment was att). But still, after SiL refusing the offer of separating them, I would still NOT do that to my dog - a part of my family.
100% After we adopted our pup, we would not even bring him with us when we dropped off donations. It took almost a year for him not to get upset when we took his collar off.
Load More Replies... I was attacked by a Rottweiler when I was about 9… still have the scars. Wasn’t my dog but my dad’s bosses, my dad was the one who pulled her off me. I knew that dog since she was a pup and was also raised with dogs and cats, her owner was TA and she snapped for reasons I still can’t fathom (I think my friend and I were simply being too loud and she full on turned in the middle of a field during a walk (unleashed) and just charged me). Regardless, even at that age, I recognized it wasn’t fully the dogs fault. I’ve owned dogs since, and big ones. I can see the logic behind her fear but I also think shes overdramatize her “trauma”…. However, with saying that, people do deal with their own traumas to each their own. Still, that dog is adopted and in the middle of learning how to deal with his own trauma and it is 100% the owner’s responsibility to guide that process and an adult human should understand that and accept the compromises offered.
1. The thing about "triggers" is that the person who has them is responsible for having strategies for recognizing and managing them. Their trauma is the "gun" and those things come with triggers. The rest of the world can't and won't modify itself for something something as individual as somebody's health issues. Nice when it happens, but you can't move forward in your life expecting it. 2. OP might just need to drop the Christmas bomb of saying, "While I am sorry that I accidentally hurt SIL's feelings, it is clear that what our household has to offer is not what the family wants or needs out of a host. Looks like the family is going to need another plan." Push back on the pushiness.
NTA. I have three dogs. My house is full of dog hair. Sometimes people who come over complain about the dog hair. Said complainers are told "THEY (the dogs) live here, YOU don't, sorry about the mess, there's a lint roller in the bathroom".
I have a great metal decorative sign in my house that says the dogs are my family and if you don't like hair, don't sit on the furniture, and that chances are I like the dogs better than people.
Load More Replies... I don't understand how you can be that afraid of dogs and manage life day to day? Everywhere I go, there are dogs (love them), but wouldn't it be safer to have therapy? When I did have a dog, I was walking him in a local park on a lead, and a child was scared - I came around a corner and met the child and his mother. He nearly went into water, just on seeing my dog. I turned away but I'd be afraid they
But I'd be afraid they would move into traffic on a footpath. The SIL needs therapy, if she cannot even listen to a dog.
Load More Replies... My dogs are my family. They come first for me. If the SIL has a problem, they could sleep at a hotel nearby if they think they can't sleep with a dog in the house. She has that option and it won't traumatize her to do it. Boarding an abused and recovering dog in a kennel for the Holidays is cruel and traumatizing itself. Not only that but there are diseases he could catch, especially the potentially fatal one going around now.
I’m trying to imagine if I were invited to be a gracious houseguest somewhere that would fundamentally give me anxiety. Would I see if I could be accommodated or would I be such a self-serving entitled brat that I, myself, would weaponize my past trauma then DARVO the host. Clearly, this is an abstract hypothetical, because NO! I’d never ask for such an accommodation. Certainly wouldn’t demand it then vilify my host. This would be an opportunity for me to confront my fear or, if that’s not plausible, I’d stay in a hotel. Didn’t BP recently post an article on the stats that shows just how much pet owners love & emotionally attach to their dogs as people do with their children? Isn’t that the most current research findings? Our 8-mo old English Mastiff is 120 pounds of rambunctious puppy. I’m turning away any & all people who are afraid of dogs unless this is the dog they want to overcome their fears with. Because my love for my puppy is more than my love for my SILs/BILs.
We have a dog. A sweet one, but as we are not visited very often, she isn't used to have visitors in her realm a.k.a. our apartment. Whenever someone comes in and it is not one of her favourite humans she barks. No biting, no jumping, just barking and following that human around as long as he or she is moving. So I am asking everyone If that is okay before I let anyone come in. Of course I send my dog to her blanket or just play or train with her so she is distracted and busy. If someone is not okay with this, she has to stay in a seperate room but this is for short visits only like craftpersons. I do not expect that everybody loves my dog like I do. If we can't take her with us to visit someone, we rather stay at home or meet outside where our dog can be held away from that person. No one have to love our dog but everyone have to respect that we set the rules.
Ours has the same issue (among many others but related to trauma) being adopted durin covid. The concept "visitor" is not something he has able to learn ☹️ Not that we get a lot of people over but for the first 1.5 years nobody else crossed the door... Smt that helped is the following (this was recommended by a dog behaviorist): When we get visitors, whenever possible and specially when is the first time they are visiting, we take him for a walk 15/20' before,and we met the visitor/s outside our apartment and bring some treats so they can offer some to him like a Goodwill gesture. We talk a bit outside, and to move inside we open the door, visitor/s enter first, then us with our dog. This sends a signal like "my humans allowed the strange first and I'm going in after, so it's ok for them to be here". The other way around is like a stranger entering their territory. All of our friends know this, and little by little for some of them we can skip this ritual completely. Hope this helps!
Load More Replies... I don't feel like the comment was aimed at SIL's past. Even if it was, I don't find it terribly unreasonable given the way SIL was acting. A bit like slapping someone having "hysterics", it sounds like it might have been the shock required to end the pushing. Dogs aren't decorations to be shoved aside when inconvenient; that anyone would even suggest doing so is very sad.
I don't either. I think she was honestly talking about the dog. I get her comparison and even when I read it, I didn't see the issue until OP re-pointed out the woman aged out of the foster system. I'm thick in the head but not that thick. I feel like the SIL just grabbed the word adopted and ran with it "LALALALALALALAICANTHEARYOU" ignoring OP's explanation, all the way to the rest of the family.
Load More Replies... It wasn't until I was about halfway through the comments that the "adopted" bit sank in. I don't think that was an intentional dig on OP's part, just an accidental coincidence. OP said she was going to apologize for that, and I will give her the benefit of the doubt. NTA.
me too. not until she pointed it out did i even understand the story.
Load More Replies... I think I would have been more blunt lol like you're family but so is the dog and you're not even trying to include him as he also has trauma 🤣 give me a break, who TF tries to tell someone to board their dog in order for them to visit? That's entitled, and it would open the door for more BS like that...or set the bar for future visits and the dog doesn't deserve that. It all feels unnecessary and dramatic...and attention seeking. Nta for sure op.
Also, what does Sylvia do when the dogs in the neighborhood bark or howl, and what about in the real world where dogs exist despite her trauma? If it's that bad, is she in therapy? Like how is she living in this reality?
Load More Replies... DO NOT attack nor dismiss a member of the family that I chose. I will happily cut you out of my life in favor of that furry companion.
Sounds like the sister in law has a history of being unreasonable and the op was tired of it. Everyone has triggers but its your own responsibility to deal with it dont be unreasonable knowing they have a dog stay somewhere else if its that bad. Thats the dogs safe place
There'd be no way I'd keep the dog in a room for days while guest were at my house. A few hours maybe but not days. SIL & brother can stay in a motel while dog is in a seperate room when guest are at the house for a few hours of festivities. Or SIL & brother can host the gathering at their house.
Guess what, my family in the household is me and my wife. We had a cat until a couple of years ago. Rules were, it's our house, our rules and if you can't deal with the cat then don't come. It's not that we don't love you, but our immediate family is me, wife and cat. Don't like it? Don't come. The family can stay at a hotel.
Sorry your house your rules, hosting the holiday fell in to your lap. And your sister in law needs to respect that. they can stay somewhere else and still spend the holidays with you. And as a dog owner you are going to take care of him. Your sister in laws request to send him away is c**p, even if she has a child hood trama, hearing the word adopt wasnt directed toward her. And she took it over board. That's not her place to make requests like that. I would have reacted the same way. They are coming in to your home. And should figure out a way to make it work. I mean you tried making Accommodations for her and your brother to be there. But you should not have to sacrifice your dog for the holiday. Would I have worded it a little differently yes, but you got your point across as well.
My dog is part of my family. Asking me to send him away for Christmas would be like asking to send my children away. Could OP have worded it differently? Yes. But you can be sure as hell that anyone that didn't want my dog to be with me for Christmas would not be welcome here.
I've been bit by dogs, unwanted by my parents, and have multiple issues mentally. You know what everyone tells me? Go get therapy or suck it up. I don't believe in being as tone deaf as telling someone to suck it up, but you should seek some help if even the barking is bothering you. What does she do knowing a neighbor's dog has the potential to crash through their door? What does she do if she hears barking next door? Can she not go for walks or jogs? Dogs are everywhere. If she's making the excuse that she wouldn't be able to handle even knowing all the dog is on another side of a door, she needs help. And yeah, I did not take OP's comment as a snark towards her being in foster care. That's something therapy can help too.
Anyone saying that OP is the a*****e wouldn't be welcome in my home or near my children. When you take in an animal it becomes part of the family and if someone comes to your home it is not their place to say a member of your family has to leave and to the people saying she's an a*****e for her phrasing I say grow some balls and shut the f**k up. Too many s****y people get away with not having anything mean said to them because of "triggers" well your triggers are your f*****g problem not mine and if you try to make them my problem I will gladly show you how badly you have f****d up. I had a s**t childhood but I don't get all whiney when something from it presents in my adult life. NTA by a mile and anyone saying so is a piece of s**t.
OP was harsher than needed, but I can see her point. However, I think there's a solution that wasn't mentioned (though I didn't read all the replies to the original post). The sister-in-law said she wouldn't be able to sleep with the dog in the house, so why not keep the dog in another room during the day, and then the sister-in-law and her husband spend their nights in a hotel? If the sister-in-law would still be too anxious, it might be time for her to put her big girl pants on and learn to deal with it, or maybe get some medication to relax her.
Not acceptable to the SIL. It was explained in the comments below the article. It would trigger her regardless. She would know it was there, would/might hear it barking too, etc.
Load More Replies... SIL needs therapy. She’s 33! She is using her childhood as a cudgel. I lost a child, I didn’t make my friends send their children away! SIL is being unreasonable. The dog is part of the family now and is going through its own trauma and shouldn’t feel punished because of SIL. Tell them to rent a room or stay home! Your dog is your responsibility her feelings are hers, she’s an adult time to get a grip and act like one!
@Martin734 - agree. Op is not responsible for SILs issues.She is welcome but doggie stays.She can't deal - her problem. One could also simply move the festivities to SILs house - and all's resolved.
Ugh if I hear the word "triggered" one more time as an excuse I'm going to puke! Your triggers your problem. Guests do not have the right to ask you to remove anything from your home to visit. Period! I don't really like and am a bit afraid of babies (I never had one my stepchildren were toddlers when we married) should I ask all my friends to put them in daycare before I'll visit? No because that would make me an AH!
OP made other accommodations possible other than the one she isn't willing to consider: boarding her dog. She has been completely reasonable and while she may have not phrased what she said to Sylvia the best way, she's not an AH here. Neither is Sylvia really. Both stances are understandable. It's the situation that sucks and the current available/willing choices aren't amenable to either of them. So, obviously the person needing the accommodation needs to figure out what they're going to do. Where things stand, it's up to Sylvia and husband to figure out what's best for them. NAH. I agree that we should treat trauma with empathy and respect but that doesn't mean the entire world has to cater to that person's needs, especially when other options are available.
Perfectly said 👌🏾 Hopefully sil gets some therapy soon, this cant possibly be healthy in the long term since dogs are almost everywhere
Load More Replies... SIL is the one weaponizing her trauma NOT op. Plus, i know several friends who had very bad experiences with kennels up to the poor animal passing away due to illnesses caught from other dogs. There’s also news stories weekly about abuse of animals at the facilities. Is brother and sister in law paying for boarding???? This function is not usually held at OPs house. We all have triggers and trauma to various levels.
My evil twin would find recording of barking dogs to play on small Bluetooth speakers around house.
Her dog, her house, her rules. Why should this woman pay for a kennel, traumatize her dog, and spend the holidays without him because of the dramatics of SIL? Does SIL do this all the time? Is she a attention seeker that needs constant validation of how much you care? I'm asking because the comment OP made. It was cruel to say knowing full well of her past. Kinda seems like there is already underlying hostility. I would try to be considerate & compromise but it takes gall to even ask what she did and she shoots down every attempt at a compromise. I'm sorry but no 1 should be quilted into doing something they aren't comfortable with to accomodate the needs of 1 person. There was a dog on my flight the other day. What would SIL do? The world doesn't stop because we have a problem, It's up to us, as adults, to manage it & if that means SIL staying at hotel, then so be it. Or u can fib & say u can't find a vaccine tag so kennel wont take him 🤷 , then she'll have no choice but to comp
I agree with the commenters who said that OP was justified in keeping the dog at her house over Christmas and Sylvia spending the holiday somewhere else this year if it (understandably) would upset her to be in the same house with the dog; but that OP worded it REALLY badly to Sylvia. Glad to see that OP said she would apologize for her wording.
In the comments it says their apartment is too small for them to host
Load More Replies... I "loved" the one comment of "...volunteer at a dog rescue shelter..." and then goes on about how OP is putting her dog before a human, and the answer seems to be that pets are disposable. OP tried to accommodate by putting the dog in another room, but SIL (who's fear is real) isn't willing to bend. People all focused on the adoption comment - which was misspoke/wrong - and OP did say she needs to apologize, and not on the fact that SIL has stated that "she is family (meaning that pets are disposable) and they NEED to be accommodating to her; but SIL isn't willing to meet them half way, as family should do.
Flat out. Sylvia is the A. Does she demand her neighbors to board their dogs? Sylvia has trauma about dogs, even their barking. Okay. So her neighbors must muzzle their pets to keep them quiet for Sylvia's sake? If she doesn't like dogs, it is not a requirement she go to OP's home. I call Sylvia an entitled Karen!
I have a huge phobia of dogs as well, as my dog when I was younger jumped on me and severely injured me, leaving scars. But even now I'm ok and I have MORE dogs even bigger than he was. SIL needs to calm down, I don't know what happened but she should have gotten therapy for this if it's that uncomfortable for her. The dog cannot get over trauma in a boarding place, OP's sister can. Downvote me all you want, I don't care. I know I'm speaking the truth. Edit: I still get anxiety and "triggered" around dogs if they're way too rough or jump on me, but I don't think it's enough to have to send the dog away or separate them from everyone else
I think Sylvia should work on her own issues before trying to cause a rift. I'm scared of rats but I still visit my niece who has pet rats. At first I was rigid trying to keep them in sight but not look at them. I'm more relaxed now but still scared. I just love my niece more than I fear rats. Also, I have multiple other phobias but I'm an adult so I don't expect people to bend over backwards to facilitate me. I just put my big girl pants on and get on with it! That's what grown ups HAVE to do to function!
NTA and why are people these days so unable, incapable or unaware that hotels do exist? So many people want to stay for Daaaaaaaaays with family over the holidays. That's a freaking nightmare. No! Stay in a hotel room. Problem solved. If she has an issue with your dog, sssssh Don't tell her, dogs exist and are just about everywhere! Service dogs, on planes, in work spaces, in restaurants, in areas everywhere. Sorry SIL maybe about time she STOP being a victim and get some therapy and stop making her issues everyone else's. I'm not unsympathetic to people who have trauma, I have a husband who suffers from. PTSD from Vietnam, so I know! But there is zero reason for anyone to make their trauma others trauma. She's ridiculous. Stick to your plan and send her lists of hotels in the area.
The man opened up his house because his parents house was unlivable. Why didn't the brother take the parents and the holiday meal? This would have fixed the entire situation. Why didn't the brother take up the holiday meal????
The post says their apartment isn't big enough to host.
Load More Replies... For God's sake, people are ridiculous. Everybody uses the word "adopt" when referring to taking in a pet, especially a rescue animal. If SIL chose to take that as an insult, that's on her, not OP. As it stands, OP does have a responsibility to her dog, shelters and animal charities are strict about who they adopt animals out to, OP probably had to jump tons of hoops to get approved to take in her animal. She's passionate about the dog and if SIL has a problem, so much of one she can't even be in the house if the dog is in it, she needs to stay in a hotel and maybe get some therapy. This is ridiculous, she's being ridiculous. And for the record, I'm not a dog person, but I would never demand a host board their dog while I was staying in their home
Absolutely so many English scholars out there…. Judging intent. TBH on initial reading, I’m on side with OP. Then usage of adopt could be a honest comment in regards to pooch, but also could be a sly trigger for SIL. As I can’t hear the conversation to know how it was said, then I’m not about to condemn OP or not. Congrats Pandas, reading this has wakened me to the fact that Facebook rules…. Applause to those that bucked the trend and tried to help.
There would be a valid risk to your sil AND your dog if they were occupying the same space. You said “still working on retraining and socializing him, and SO FAR he’s been fine around MOST people.” You also said sil is “ petrified” her body language and terror will absolutely affect a sensitive or anxious dog and could cause an incident. If the dog is anxious around her and bites he could end up being put down by law and if he barks at your sil or gets to close she could have a panic attack severe enough to warrant a hospital visit. Really the situation sucks for both sil and dog. Unfortunately hosting Christmas at your house immediately excludes either dog or your brother and his wife and you made a choice. You can’t attack your sil for that and suggest she’s unreasonable to be upset and not be able to just go because she CAN’T. Trauma is not her choice or her being entitled and throwing it in her face absolutely shows a lack of compassion. I feel really sorry for her being excluded.
I would stay home before I would ask someone to remove a living thing from their own home.
This Is a tough situation for everybody, imo... The dog owner can't be ordered by Sylvia to just rehome the dog for a few days. Sylvia can't be forced to be in the same space as the dog by the dog owner either. Unfortunately, Sylvia has to make a decision to avoid this trigger, and OP needs to accept that her adopting large, traumatized dog is going to split the family apart... If She didn't want that, she shouldn't have adopt the dog...
I think maybe OP could try to explain to her SIL that it was traumatizing for the dog to be fostered, because it was for her. If put that way maybe she will understand, but of course OP needs to apologize for the way she said that about him being adopted.
This is all horse manure. Surely the SIL can forego one Christmas without the whole family ? She and her husband can just either have it on their own or with other friends / family.
Don't like dogs or the accommodations then don't act a victim and don't come over
As a child I was terrified of dogs to the point we crossed over to the other side of the road to avoid one... Dad decided one year that I was getting a floof ball for Christmas, best thing he ever did.. I've had dogs for over 60 years and at the age of eight I ran past a German Shepard that was tethered outside a shop and got bit on my thigh.. my fault should have known better than to run past a strange dog... Still wary of GSD though ;)
I saw my brother get nearly mauled to death when he was four and it left him permanently scarred. My brothers and I had a fear of dogs when we were children because of it. But as adults both my brothers and I love dogs now. I know this is a personal situation and not everyone is going to respond the same but trauma is something you have to learn to manage even if it takes years to do. My dog now is very important to me, I'm not pushing him out. Of course, if I knew it would be a stressful situation I would keep him somewhere else in the house for the most part but it seems here that isn't an option.
The only reply that counted was the one from a prior dog attack survivor, no one else’s opinion is overly valid after that.
Really unpopular opinion however I have noticed a trend in the so called compassion of the internet. It tends to be all for pets and none for people. Ops sis in law finally found a family and hope of being loved only to have OP cruelly flinging it back in her face. Compassion should not be a one or the other deal. While I understand Op wanting to protect her dog, she should never have used those hateful words to her SIL. Whether OP likes it or not she is a part of that family and just as worthy of love and compassion as her rescue dog. My husband also has trauma induced phobia of dogs. (I had a dog at the time we were married.) By showing compassion for both I have helped him make progress with his phobia. While he is still uneasy around dogs he's gotten better with dealing with them. Hurting sil will not help heal her phobia at all. Saying that OPS dog was more worthy of adoption love and family was cruel wrong and selfish. Her actions not bad, but her words were.
nobody said the dog was more worthy. they said the dog has less ability to handle its trauma whereas sil can. and of course people are going to lean towards animals more than humans. animals havent destroyed the planet and started wars. they live for a few years, give us total love and then die too early. people tend to stay around and make things worse. I'm not sure why you would be against that..people can try and be better. animals are already better.
Load More Replies... Okay I understand why she was upset but the context makes the "I adopted my dog not you" so much funnier. I may be a bad person for that but I'm sorry it's like a bad comedy skit
Why can't the dog stay with the friend as planned when the OP was going out of town? Tripling the size of the household while the dog is still in transition is a terrible idea. By the OP's own admission (though she uses different words) the dog is unpredictable the added stress is going to affect him and she can't be sure how much or in what way. Her sister-in-law is fearful and the dog will probably sense it. If he knows she fears him, he could become aggressive. If he doesn't know what she's afraid of, he may become fearful also. Either way, no onr can ensure how he will react and she's putting him in an unfair position. She doesn't care as much about her dog's safety as she does about winning the argument.
The dog wasn't going to a sitter, the sitter was coming to the dog.
Load More Replies... I fully understand not wanting to board your dog, I wouldn't either... but you definitely could have handled that better... soft YTA for the way you handled it, NTA for not wanting to board your dog...
We have a rescue and I get the OP's concern about boarding a rescue. However.... reading between the lines it seems that this dog can in fact be a bit frightening to a person traumatized by dogs when she was a kid. She says that the dog is mostly good with her brother now, meaning that perhaps the SIL is aware of or witnessed the dog not being ok with him because he is a man. That would cause me concern if I were her. I get her position. The OP is telling us the whole story about this pup's behavior that might be intimidating. Our dog would only want to go and make friends and lean with a new person, but it sounds like their dog might scare some others. I'm a dog lover but I understand that if you have an imperfect, traumatized dog that you rescued, that you have a responsibility to all people.
And that's all fine and reasonable, but asking her to send him away and pay to have him boarded, so she can stay there (in comfort for free) because she can't even be in the same house? That is does not sound reasonable to me. It's not as if OP invited her and they had months to plan. This was unforseen circumstances that created this mess, so why should she, the person gracious enough to host everyone, cook and pay for the food, Also have to get rid of and pay for the boarding of her dog? 🤔 Just as if the OP was staying at SIL house and insisted upon taking the dog with her, ide say the swmr thing.. No, it's her home.
Load More Replies... Sure, her dog, her house, hers. BUT she did stupid with using those words. She only had it worded like that because she knows both beings were "adopted". Something like that, her brain knew. Maybe didn't mean to be malicious but sure was inconsiderate and a very stupid mistake on her part to have to phrase it like that. Could have been explained, or roughly out of frustration, a thousand other ways.
NAH. Having been in a similar situation to SIL I can emphasis with her problem. Just knowing that the dog is in the house can be very stressful, but it is.the only compromise that could work out. Rescue dogs especially are especially bad, because they usually have a lot of past trauma with them and can be unknown quantities. OPs adoption comment was an unintentional punch in the guts. She is no AH for.it, but SIL sure as hell will feel this way.
I'd gone with NTA if not for OP's snottiness. Pets are important to people and they have incredibly tight bonds with them, also, OP said they offered reasonable accommodation by keeping the dog away from SIL. If she can't sleep in the same house, they could have found accommodations nearby. But, by OP's statement, SIL said the mere presence of the dog and the mere idea of it barking 'triggers' SIL and that's too much. How does she ever leave the house? Dogs are everywhere, what if OP's neighbours have a dog and it barks and howls? What are they doing then? The problem is, the way OP talks about their SIL and the thoughtless, cruel comment and the complete lack of compassion and insistence that SIL's past os irrelevant because they didn't mean to relate to it tells me they're not very compassionate and make me doubtful if their recount of what SIL said and what they offered is honest. OP does everything to make SIL look bad and doesn't even apologize for hurting her.
This is the comment from OP: They’re meant to be staying for several days, we can’t keep him in one room the whole time. That said, we did offer to keep him separate for their whole trip but she said she will be triggered if she hears barking/howling, and she won’t be able to sleep knowing he’s in the house. Also she says knowing he’s there will make her anxious the whole time. I
Load More Replies... Not always that easy though. Rescue dogs can be a minefield of issues and some will react badly to being shut in another room. Mine would bark and scratch constantly as he hates being separated from people who are in the home, though he is okay with being left for a short while (doggy cams are so useful). Though he was a sad mess in day care as he is scared of other dogs after being attacked twice. As for 'if it was OPs own child', if it was trauma I hope they would get her help! That worked well for a friend's child who was terrified of dogs, but after seeing a specialist in phobias she is now a big dog fan and they got a large Goldendoodle. You really shouldn't leave children with unresolved trauma... sadly no one was there for the SIL, though she herself could get help now. My sister has an allergy to dogs, but when she visits I wash the dogs, clean the house as thoroughly as possible and she doses herself to the max. It can work.
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