Bitter Teen Goes Against Dad’s Wishes To Spend Time With Late Bio Mom’s Family, Drama Ensues
Interview With Expert
The loss of a spouse is very devastating. The sudden absence leaves a gaping hole in the partner’s life, a constant reminder of the love and partnership they have lost. In order to cope with this absence, sometimes people tend to take drastic measures which unknowingly might have negative consequences.
This Reddit user is a victim of the grief his father is going through. After the death of his mother when he was a baby, his father packed up and moved away to start a new life away from where they once lived. However, he took it a step further by limiting contact with his biological maternal side of the family.
More info: Reddit
Parents’ good intentions can sometimes be overshadowed by blown-up reactions when they’re dealing with their own problems – grief, in this case
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
This teen shares that his parents tried to limit interaction with his maternal family after his bio mom passed away
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius (not the actual photo)
His dad remarried and his adopted mom felt insecure about the relationship with his bio mom, so they restricted interactions with bio mom’s family to once a year
Image credits: Own-Pie9517
When he reconnected with his maternal side of the family, they became upset and confronted him
The 17-year-old poster finds himself in a difficult situation, yearning to connect with his biological maternal family while facing resistance from his adoptive parents. The teenager lost his biological mother to eclampsia shortly after birth. His father, unable to stay in the environment where they planned their future, moved with the newborn to a new city and met his adoptive mother soon after.
Limited contact was maintained with the biological family, with the adoptive mother citing insecurity and a desire to move on from the past life planned with the biological mother. The teenager describes his childhood as mostly happy, but with a lingering wish to know his biological family better.
Recent efforts to connect more frequently with his biological family through calls, video chats, and even weekend visits have created friction within the adoptive household. The teenager’s parents expressed discomfort with the increased contact, citing the emotional pain it caused the father and the adoptive mother’s feeling of being less important.
The poster challenged his parents to consider the situation from the perspective of his biological family, asking how they would feel if their child was erased by a new spouse after their death. This question went unanswered, leading to a communication breakdown with his parents. His siblings, initially confused, developed some understanding after he posed a similar hypothetical scenario.
The author’s decision to limit communication with his parents until they address his concerns has further strained the family dynamic. While the teenager’s siblings show some empathy, the parents remain unwilling to discuss the situation.
Image credits: Monstera Production (not the actual photo)
People online discussed that the poster has every right to have a relationship with his birth mom’s family. It does not mean he loves them any less, and it is very unrealistic to stop him from doing so in order to avoid hurting his stepmother’s feelings.
To get a little more of a professional opinion into this mix, Bored Panda got in touch with Professor Shelley Steenrod, a licensed clinical social worker. She emphasized how the teen has exhausted productive communication approaches with his dad and adoptive mom to pursue a relationship with his deceased mom’s family. Now, out of desperation, he is using the silent treatment with his parents until they justify their having curtailed past and future contact with maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
“The truth is there is no justification for their actions, and he will likely be waiting for a very long time,” Professor Shelley noted. “All adoptive children need and deserve to know their own histories, stories, backgrounds, culture, and people, and no one has the right to withhold this information from them.”
The expert recommends getting a therapist involved to help mediate the impasse that this family is at. When asked how the teenager can build a healthy relationship, Professor Shelley noted that the teen is already 17 years old and will be a legal adult shortly, with many more choices than he currently has. “I imagine that he can continue to use technology to communicate with his biological family until he is 18.”
Professor Shelley’s advice to adoptive parents is that it is their sacred responsibility to facilitate relationships, build bridges, and share information with biological, or first families, whenever possible. “Adoptive children will always find out if adoptive parents prohibited their relationship with birth families and will resent them for it. Furthermore, love is a limitless, boundless resource that should be shared. It doesn’t need to be protected or hoarded.”
Finally, Professor Shelley explained that adoptive parents who feel insecure about their role need to take it upon themselves to get help and fill the places where they feel empty. Adoptive children should never be expected to meet the needs of adoptive parents.
What did you think of this story? Do you consider the poster’s behavior an overreaction? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
The commenters agreed with him and raised concerns over his parents’ behavior
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FFS, your adopted mother's insecurities are not your issue. My stepmother tried to put a wedge between me and my mother because she can't have kids. All it did was make me resent them more. Your parents are bat sh!t crazy. They are asking you to consider their feelings when they don't consider yours. Tell your father if it still hurts him so much then he needs therapy.
Sometimes in the grand scheme of things, family isn't worth all the crazy hassle. Sometimes it is of course. Just have to be wise enough to know which battles to choose when.
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I hate to go there but, Dad met new mom when the baby was only seven months old. That seems extremely fast for someone in the coils of grief. I'm wondering if Dad has a bit of a guilty conscience here, and doesn't want to think about how he cheated on his wife with new stepmom, and wife died. Both of these people are a little 'off' in their reactions. I know people handle grief differently, but... Maybe they don't want maternal family to tell about that part, if they suspect.
Very common among widowed men! 7 months is still pretty fast, but 61% of men (to 19% of women) are remarried or in a serious relationship within 2 years, per this study https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8807029/
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Your mother's side of the family is your family, even if it is not theirs, you are still a part of it and they are A-Holes for denying you access to that part of your life for so long. They should so what is best for you and happily grant you access to your family. As long as the family is not hurtful or abusive your father should have welcomed the additional support from the beginning, even if it reminded him of his loss in your mother, having more family and support system for a child is much better, and this family might now be resentful of your father for restricting access for 17 years.
People I know told their children that there is such a thing as belly-moms and heart-moms (since 'bio' was a difficult word to understand at that age). Moms can be both at the same time, or just one of them through all sorts of circumstances. But either kind of mom is a real one.
I have never heard of the expression of belly mom and heart mom. I think it's beautiful.
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OP says that his father met his adoptive mom when he was 7 months old but not when they became a couple. Just curious to know if he wanted to erase the tragedy of loosing his wife by finding a mom for his baby really fast. It wasn't even a year after wife died. Anyway, if adoptive mom knows that her family doesn't like OP then why not let him had a chance of having a relationship with family that will? Parent are being very selfish, imho.
OP if you ever see this comment, you are doing nothing wrong. your father and stepmom are the problem. you keep listening to your heart. Its directing you the right way.
Something isn't right here feels like someone is hiding something very bad or Life changing I get a bad feeling this won't end well
Personally, this would make me stop calling her mom. I would just start calling her by her first name. Also, I think he should leave when he turns 18, maybe see if his biological grandparents would let him live there for college.
FFS, your adopted mother's insecurities are not your issue. My stepmother tried to put a wedge between me and my mother because she can't have kids. All it did was make me resent them more. Your parents are bat sh!t crazy. They are asking you to consider their feelings when they don't consider yours. Tell your father if it still hurts him so much then he needs therapy.
Sometimes in the grand scheme of things, family isn't worth all the crazy hassle. Sometimes it is of course. Just have to be wise enough to know which battles to choose when.
Load More Replies... I hate to go there but, Dad met new mom when the baby was only seven months old. That seems extremely fast for someone in the coils of grief. I'm wondering if Dad has a bit of a guilty conscience here, and doesn't want to think about how he cheated on his wife with new stepmom, and wife died. Both of these people are a little 'off' in their reactions. I know people handle grief differently, but... Maybe they don't want maternal family to tell about that part, if they suspect.
Very common among widowed men! 7 months is still pretty fast, but 61% of men (to 19% of women) are remarried or in a serious relationship within 2 years, per this study https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8807029/
Load More Replies... Your mother's side of the family is your family, even if it is not theirs, you are still a part of it and they are A-Holes for denying you access to that part of your life for so long. They should so what is best for you and happily grant you access to your family. As long as the family is not hurtful or abusive your father should have welcomed the additional support from the beginning, even if it reminded him of his loss in your mother, having more family and support system for a child is much better, and this family might now be resentful of your father for restricting access for 17 years.
People I know told their children that there is such a thing as belly-moms and heart-moms (since 'bio' was a difficult word to understand at that age). Moms can be both at the same time, or just one of them through all sorts of circumstances. But either kind of mom is a real one.
I have never heard of the expression of belly mom and heart mom. I think it's beautiful.
Load More Replies... OP says that his father met his adoptive mom when he was 7 months old but not when they became a couple. Just curious to know if he wanted to erase the tragedy of loosing his wife by finding a mom for his baby really fast. It wasn't even a year after wife died. Anyway, if adoptive mom knows that her family doesn't like OP then why not let him had a chance of having a relationship with family that will? Parent are being very selfish, imho.
OP if you ever see this comment, you are doing nothing wrong. your father and stepmom are the problem. you keep listening to your heart. Its directing you the right way.
Something isn't right here feels like someone is hiding something very bad or Life changing I get a bad feeling this won't end well
Personally, this would make me stop calling her mom. I would just start calling her by her first name. Also, I think he should leave when he turns 18, maybe see if his biological grandparents would let him live there for college.
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