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Dating can be pretty hard for women nowadays. One 2024 study found that single women tend to be happier than single men. What's more, the number of women who are dating is steadily decreasing. A 2023 Pew survey revealed that in 2019, 38% of single American women were looking for dates. In 2022, that number dropped to 35%.
For some gals, it's about safety; they just don't feel comfortable going on dates with strangers. In a couple of threads online, women have been sharing what behaviors might signal that it's not entirely safe to go back to the guy's place after a date. Others also shared their thoughts about what generally might signal that a man is dangerous.
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#1
More of a really small indicator, but I think a guy that makes jokes at other peoples expense but can’t handle when he’s being joked about.
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#2
Destroying things in anger. People get mad, it happens. I don't care if someone yells or swears to let off some steam. But if you smash your TV because of a video game or your sports team loses, I don't want to be around you.
Paul C 3 months ago
I once saw a guy beat up his (expensive) car because he lost a tennis match. He broke his racket on it before getting some tools from the boot and continuing to lay into the car (causing thousands of pounds of damage to the body work and lights). It was scary to watch as his neighbour, so I can understand how someone would not want to be around someone like that.
#3
Wanting you to not maintain close relationships with others- friends and family. This tends mean that they're try to isolate you and control every aspect of your life.
#4
Animals don’t like him, consistently flinch away. It usually means they sense the predator in him or are being abused themselves in secret.
#5
Im a man, but I would like to tell you some warning signs to look out for straight from the horses mouth. If he has an issue with women making more money than him, or doesn't like it when you contact friends or family that's a major warning sign. Trust me, it WILL get worse over time. If they keep trying to get you alone, when you said you don't want to you need to run. This last one will seem obvious, but if he shows irritation when you put a coaster or something over your drink, he's definitely dangerous.
Jcusack 3 months ago
Oh! quick Story! Me & a friend sitting at a small local bar hanging. Dude and chick sit down a chair away and introduce themselves to each other. Clearly first date type stuff. 30-40 min later I still eavesdropping cuz clearly she began to be not interested and he ain't getting it. Not sure exactly how it came up, but she put a coaster over her drink and he goes, "Ohh come on, I'm not one of those guys, you don't have to do that." And she goes, "The reason it's on there is because you..." Watching the realization that he's the creep was glorious lol
#6
If you are scared of him. Trust that gut feeling.
FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago
Why would you continue to spend time with someone you're scared of, if you don't have to?
#7
Not respecting your boundaries. Someone that shows they don’t respect boundaries you set around small things (topics of conversation; how personal you’re comfortable getting; touch; etc) is not going to respect larger boundaries. If you say no to anything and they push you on it, bye.
StrangeOne 3 months ago
When you try to establish boundaries but they say "So? Who cares!" or "I don't care." Run.
#8
Pay attention to how he treats people who he has nothing to gain from or have less social status/money. Make sure it isn't performative. He doesn't see you as an equal either and that will show up in ugly and unexpected ways.
#9
He refers to his exes as "crazy".
katiekat0214 3 months ago
Which means he's the common denominator. I've often asked, "Wow, I'd love to hear her side of the story. Would your stories match?" Cue that deep silence that he's guilty and lying. That's all you need to know, then just walk away.
#10
Any attempts of intimidation whether physical or mental. Hitting a wall near your face, pushing you shaking you, trying to scare you with mental tactics.
Panda Kicki 3 months ago
The violence comes with the subtitle "That wall ciuld as easily have been you face"
#11
Rigidity.
He has to have everything his way and to his specs and be right and be the good guy all the time, no exceptions.
It's the men who can't handle even minor emotional discomfort who get overwhelmed and last out physically when there's a real conflict.
Panda Kicki 3 months ago
And if they gets overwhelmed it will be your fault, as will any damage he causes during the meltdown.
#12
Legitimately, right wing or even moderate political beliefs. I'm transgender, and I'm a woman; I can't be safe with anyone who thinks my rights or validity are up for debate.
Kristy Marion 3 months ago
Extreme political ideology on either side as well. Life is too short to idolise politicians.
#13
Yelling to make a point instead of discussing things.
In those instances I know he’s trying to scare me into shutting up. It works. I also don’t want to talk to him anymore.
#14
Actions and speech do not align. Actions and attitude do not align.
I know a lot of people say "anger issues" but some men don't even get angry before they verbally or physically attack you. They do it with a smile on their face.
#15
If he starts speeding or driving wrecklessly just because y’all had a disagreement, that’s a red flag 100%.
My dumb a*s shrugged it off and blamed myself for his behavior. I told myself, “if only I didnt say x,y,z” and I just want y’all to know that this sort of behavior shows that he isn’t afraid to take you down with him. It shows he doesn’t care for your safety or value/respect/love you. And it shows up subtly in other ways in the relationship; whether it’s consent, your money, your time, not comforting you when you’re scared, or straight forwardly taking his anger and aggression out on you later down the line.
Ya gotta thing about what it says about him to not care for basic safety over just an argument.
#16
Holding sexist opinions and being incapable of controlling their anger.
#17
A quite small thing to notice, but a huge red flag I’ve experienced is if the guy constantly walks in front of you, or talks over you every time you say something. If you’re walking together, and he never walks beside you, and leaves you behind- run. It’s a very subtle thing to notice, but guys who do that tend to have ego issues, or don’t respect women imo. And the talking over you, is quite an obvious sign.
#18
Stalking. That was some terrifying s**t. Even when you remove all forms of contact with them, they’ll still find a way to watch/intimidate you.
#19
Rampant jealousy over the smallest things. Interrogates you every time you go somewhere without him.
Fire Singer 3 months ago
Insists you let him track you on your phone. It's fine if you mutually agree to track each other for whatever reason (we do for travel safety reasons because I like to drive places alone - nowhere unsafe, we just like to make sure I get there and back!), but if it's a REQUIREMENT, run.
#20
If you get that weird sinking feeling when near him. As humans we still have many instincts, and may be picking up tyings subconsciously.
Breaking stuff when angry
The look sometimes (the way he looks at you I mean). Idk how to explain it. But the way someone looks at you sometimes it's just unsettling. Happened to me once and I had to pretend to change trains in the subway because something felt just too off.
Gaslighting.
Just off the top of my head.
#21
If they’re too quick with you. Like if they immediately start love bombing you with overly compliments or gifts. I know this might not seem harmful to some people but to others this is usually a manipulation tactic. If they’re too quick to turn a conversation into something sexual and start off convos that are too personal about ur s*x lite. Basically disrespecting boundaries and becoming too touchy. Also it’s really just much of an intuition thing.
StrangeOne 3 months ago
Just a quick note, this is different than the honeymoon phase, where couples tend to get really into each other then suddenly cool off after a few months once a certain level of comfort and security is reached in the relationship. This is why this red flag is so maliciously disguised at first. You can ask the person to kindly cool it with the gift giving for a bit, or reserve it for special occasions, like holidays and birthdays. How they react to that and whether they actually stop will give you a sign if they're genuinely doting on you, or if it's manipulation. But the other strong factors will also be there, such as the unwanted smothering. Some people just need to be told when enough is enough.
#22
Disrespect for another person's no. Change a guy's first date plans and see how he reacts. "No, I'd rather not meet Wednesday, can we do Friday please?" Or "No, I won't be drinking tonight, I'm driving," or "No, let's not meet at the coffee shop, I'll be hungry, let's do pizza."
Respectful refusal and a constructive conversation is one thing. "I work late Friday, sorry," is a respectful answer and the conversation can continue. "WHAT?! Why? But Wednesday would be perfect! Why can't you just move your plans?" is a little unreasonable. *"Get her a rum and coke"* after I've just said I'm not drinking is a flaming red flag. (Which has happened.).
#23
Selfishness, anger issues (one of my exes very nearly destroyed all my make up, I was not thrilled), they insult you or berate you, become aggressive over minor disagreements, they attempt to isolate you from friends and family, men who say all of their exes are crazy, if they encourage their friends in bad behaviour instead of calling them out, and too many white lies about dumb things.
the list is so big, but this is what I can think of from the top of my head.
#24
Making sexual remarks very early on and not changing tact even when I've made clear that the remarks are offensive.
UKGrandad 3 months ago
It's change 'tack', not 'tact'. It's a change of direction, not a change in diplomacy. And before you all start in on the 'grammar Nazí' nonsense ask yourself: would you rather have someone quietly tell you the correct expression, or have them let you go through life getting it wrong?
#25
Coming from an emotional abuse perspective: Both emotional and physical abuse can lead to life long trauma or even death by his hands.
Everything in his life is someone else’s fault. Tells you you are different and you make everything better……. But one day “you” become the source of all that is wrong in his life.
Love bombing at the start of the relationship. That’s not love and affection, he is getting his grips on you to control you.
Promises the moon and the stars….. but doesn’t take action, always has an excuses or “that is not what I meant, you heard wrong”. Believe their action always over their words.
“No one loves you as much as I love you” No, he means no one wants to control you as much as he does.
“You have to support and agree with all that I do or say or you do t love me” No, it is your natural right to have differing beliefs and opinions.
“If you don’t do this (sexual act) that means you don’t love me” No, your body your choice. You have every right to set boundaries and expect respect.
Black Cat 3 months ago
I wish someone had told me all this 20 years ago. So wise now. In fact I don't even bother with men anymore because so many are just horrible and I've found it's just not worth it. If a man is being nice to me now I just assume he wants something from me and I'm being manipulated.
#26
I had a man I was on a date with. We were talking about materialistic things and I told him Idc about name brand clothes or shoes or any items. He literally bent down (we were at a restaurant) and pulled my feet up to see what kinda shoes I was wearing. Then he went on to ask me questions that were already on my profile. And when I pointed that out he said he was making sure I knew myself. During the entire date he kept saying how he wanted to have s*x and most women in my area are very religious and conservative. At the end of the date he walked me to my car and a group of people were just walking by. He was about to ask me to go to his place but he stopped and looked around to those people. He changed the topic until they passed (while he was mid-sentence) and then changed it back to inviting me to his place (mid-sentence again) after the group passed by us. He was a walking red flag! Glad I didn't go on any more dates or to his place.
Edit: Grammar.
Daniela Lavanza 3 months ago
"Most women in my area are very religious and conservative" That's a funny way for a man to say women are free to tell me no and I'm angry I can't change that.
#28
- Impulsive behavior
- Mansplaining
- Controlling
- Goes through phone/journals.
#29
Consistently feels the need to tell you he’s a “good guy”.
Also how he treats people, such as waiters.
#30
Whiney behavior, telling you you "owe them" for being so hot or something like that.
#31
When everyone in their except for them is to blame for every problem.
Fire Singer 3 months ago
Someone who can't take responsibility for their actions is a big no from me.
#32
When they make sexist (or other type of discrimination) jokes with their friends or brag about how many women they have been with.
Also when they are nice with you but rude to service workers or other people in general.
Black Cat 3 months ago
Or a rude and/or dismissive to women they're not attracted to. Shows they're probably only being nice or respectful to you because they want to sleep with you. They are often the ones who will call you an ugly, fat b***h or ghost you when you make it clear you don't want s*x.
#34
Expecting you to be their therapist. Whether you’re their friend, girlfriend, or stranger. Like, dumping all their problems on you all the time without asking if you’re in the right headspace for it and never caring if you need any support.
Doesn’t have any friends who are girls. I know this may be controversial, but if he genuinely cannot have any women who are genuine friends who he doesn’t fall in love with, I can’t trust him to see women as people.
Edit: I’m going to clarify for my second point that this also needs to be paired with him believing men and women can’t just be friends. If he’s open to being just friends with women and just happens to not have any, particularly if he has a small friend group in the first place, then that’s not a red flag.
DC 3 months ago (edited)
I never understood the "can't just be friends"-fairytale. They never even try to give a reason, even if you ask them, they won't come up with anything that carries that far. Cos there isn't. It may happen, but I haven't come across a woman or girl claiming this, it's only a very specific breed of men I have witnessed sharing this belief of theirs.
#35
Not taking your expressions of discomfort or concerns seriously when telling him about another man who makes you uncomfortable. If they won’t listen and care about you when you’re just talking to them about things you sure as hell can’t count on them if something actually happens, and you also can’t trust them to know what is appropriate and act accordingly.
#36
If he has very anti feminist vibes, it means he refuses to see you as an equal. That's a red flag for me.
Tbh my opinion is actually that sometimes you can't tell. He could sometimes be the nicest, sweetest guy and you probably overlooked a few irrelevant seeming signs... people could look at him and think "he is so sweet, he couldnt have r***d you. Are you sure?".
Earonn - 3 months ago
Came to chat with a guy at the pub last weekend. Good conversation, he offered to help the bar staff, all good. When I got my drink, normally I would have got him one as well, it's just what you do. This time, for some reason, I didn't. Shortly after he told me, absolutely seriously, that men created all of society, every single invention was made by men. When I disagreed, he called me a "feminist sexist", even became agitated. Left the pub for a smoke or whatever, returned, was all sweet. I just left when he went to the loo, and was glad not to have wasted money on such a person.
#37
Touching you without your permission: I do not care if it is in the thigh or if its just putting his had on your shoulder. If its a first date, second date, hell at all if you guys have not established touching you without permission is ok then he should not be touching you.
Pretending to listen: The lights are on but nobody is home. They will be smiling at you and nodding at you. But for some reason they are not giving much impute into the conversation or if they do its to change the subject.
Talking about the wrong things when they do talk: Talking too excessively about taking you to their place or how they will "treat you right", trying to convince you that they are a "real man".
Trying to find how much you cost: Acting like they can buy you, talking about how much money they make or buying you things.
Superficial: Overly complimenting how you look or what you are wearing.
These are signs that the person you are with is objectifying you and does not respect your feelings or space.
Ace 3 months ago
This "asking permission" is a whole new concept for some people. Like me, married for 30 years until recently. I'm not 'dating' anyone yet, but if I were I'm pretty sure I would not find it easy. Back in my day it was all about watching for clues, reading between the lines, more subtle signs. No, that wasn't easy either, and you'd risk being rebuffed if you misread the signals, but the basic rule was still that you didn't do anything your partner wasn't OK with.
#38
Boundary pushing. If they can't take no for an answer, or get upset at no, that is a big problem. I actually think that it's wise to say no to something early on in a relationship, whether that's just " no, I don't feel like Mexican tonight. What I'd really like to eat is Thai food. " Or, " sorry, I can't see you this Friday. What about Sunday?"
If they take your no as an opportunity to negotiate, that's not a good sign. If they take your no around being alone, letting them drive somewhere, we're going to their house when you're not ready for it, actually run girl.
Deborah B 3 months ago
Negotiation to reach an agreement that honors your boundries is fine. You say "I can't see you Friday, what about Sunday?" Them suggesting Saturday, or asking "Is it just Friday evening you're busy? What about eating lunch together?" Is not a red flag in the same way pushing you to cancel your plans or turn them into a couples thing is.
#39
My wife said if you want to know what kind of guy you’re seeing, hang with him when he’s drunk and watching his favorite sports team. He’ll show you how he handles himself when upset. Now imagine him more upset and about something more important and you’ll know what you’re dating.
#40
I think its really intuition. Some red flags for me would be, if they got too intoxicated on our date (a drink or two fine but getting plastered?? no), if the conversation seems a little forced or they keep sliding in innuendos or sexual jokes, if they just straight up say “lets go back to my place” and its unprompted/not how the conversation was going, if they talk negatively about past relationships.
#41
Contempt.
People can be entirely incapable of empathy and still not be dangerous. Somebody who feels contempt has no empathy AND they have decided that you are unworthy of basic human respect, or dignity.
Contempt is associated with a specific facial expression, where one side of the mouth is pulled up higher than the other (google image search for tons of examples). You might only see it for a split second, but when a person feels contempt it is very difficult for them to hide this expression. If you see it, be careful; you may be in danger.
Other than that, do they have anger problems? Do they respect your boundaries? Do they hold you responsible for their problems?
DC 3 months ago
Isn't that a bit far to be taken from just some asymmetrical smiles? I have a next-to-non-visible scar below my lower lip, that makes EVERY motion of my mouth slightly asymmetrical, but without FEELING asymmetrical from within. Only if I smile at a mirror, do I see it. Now, does that incident at two years old involving a pulled-out drawer on ground level, gravity and me make me, somehow, dangerous? Really?
#42
Overly courteous/chilvarious. Also too much flattery.
Look, I don't know, they always gave me negative vibes.
They're saying they're being polite but politeness is not whatever it is they are doing.
You know they want something from you (not necessary s*x). And I fear their reaction is you don't give it to them.
What do you think ?
Power puff scientist 3 months ago
Starting to realize half the posts on bp are just men vs women s**t to polarize and rage bait people.
CD Mills 3 months ago
I was widowed, coming up on three years this December. I managed to land an awesome guy and we had a great life together. I'll never date again, I married the best guy I ever knew, and I know I'll never find another guy even half as awesome as he was so there is no reason to look. I know I'd always compare them and that wouldn't be fair to the new guy. I'm honestly happy I don't have to get out there in Dating Land.
Power puff scientist 3 months ago
Starting to realize half the posts on bp are just men vs women s**t to polarize and rage bait people.
CD Mills 3 months ago
I was widowed, coming up on three years this December. I managed to land an awesome guy and we had a great life together. I'll never date again, I married the best guy I ever knew, and I know I'll never find another guy even half as awesome as he was so there is no reason to look. I know I'd always compare them and that wouldn't be fair to the new guy. I'm honestly happy I don't have to get out there in Dating Land.
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