This Instagram Account Posts “The Funniest Tweets You’ll Ever Read” (50 New Pics)

Someone stole the toilet out of the local precinct office, and the cops have nothing to go on...

Yeah. Maybe not all but most for sure.

I really felt that one. I hope you're ok now, homeless guy.

It’s flawless? Have you been to a college frat party?

I was going to ask where the hell does someone get a grenade, so I looked it up. you need a $500 license to be able to buy it then you need to pay $200 for a class 3 weapon stamp for each. Then you are able to legally own a grenade. They cost $45 each. So for $750 you too can toss a grenade off a cliff. Then get hit with a $10,000 fine for setting off a class 3 device in a unlawful area.

Grandma sharing things they had to do back in her day

Reading books is so underrated (even if it’s on like the Kindle app). It’s NOT the same as reading random things online. One of my favourite things is hearing people (who have English as a first language) mispronounce a word, because you can almost guarantee it’s because they learned it from reading. Alternatively, mistakes people make like “should of” (rather than “should have”) can often indicate a lack of reading as a child.

This is so stinkin cute

Your parent is dying? $24 please.

This seems like a conflict of interest 😅 or no?

Makes sense

Oh look the backstory for the PhD-having-villain

Wouldn't it be great if we could do that as adults!

Preparing for marriage and motherhood.

"Mystery pug" 😄

Thats like 3 m&M's

He's already got the Dad jokes down! 😂

At least he's honest with himself

50% of Earth's population is nodding and smiling.

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If you were a time traveller born in 2094, surely you'd go to the 1990s rather than the 2020s

I can relate. I get so done with the smell and effort of my own cooking that I'm sick of it by the time it's ready to eat. And then I have to clean it all up. Not worth it!

Fave podcasts, anyone? I like “Behind the Bastards.”

Gives the same energy as that video Steve from Blues Clues put out a while ago

This is adorable

Way back when, when I was in 5th grade, my family moved from the South to Massachusetts. It was a shock to find that Lee/Jackson Day and Jeff Davis’ birthday weren’t holidays

Why do you think he wants to take her out? She works where all the money is!

That's not fair. Country guy has a job. He's always either the shrimp sorter at the grocery store or the nail remover for a local remodeling conglomerate.

😂

Ngl if my boyfriend whipped up a nice spreadsheet in front of me I’d feel all sorts of Hots and Bothereds

I gotta tell ya, by the time you get a Masters, that joke is well past its use by date.

If it is car insurance then yes, UK insurance companies pull the numbers out of their arses.

I'm trying to work out how 'uncle roy' thought it was in any way acceptable to divulge personal information like this.

Some things never change.

Kings 😂 when I was a server, youths tended to tip terribly, if at all (which I didn’t mind since they were probably using their own allowance or something).

Flawless victory

One of my best friends from childhood is now the main actor in one of the most popular tv series of the last 5 years. I already missed their friendship before their face was plastered everywhere, but I would feel weird reaching out to them because I don't want them to think I am only reaching out because they are famous. And I don't know if they will remember me.

Dad's been waiting for this day ever since you were 16

It’s a…….gel?

A good chunk of the population: "OMG SO HOOOOTTT"

This dude absolutely should have made breakfast for her and the kids, because that was a weapons-grade d**k move.

So much better than him having a great date with your mom, and now the family dynamic is weird.

Relatable

Every worst player in the NFL/NBA/CFL/Other 3-letter acronyms is still 100x better than you.

An oldie but a goodie 😂 I’d give the student extra credit for creative writing.

I was somehow able to shift my anxious mindset from “if I talk to them they’ll hate me” to “if I don’t talk to them they’ll hate me,” no clue how I did that but at least I’m not a recluse anymore lol (not that there’s anything wrong with that, I was just getting lonely)

Even better - a literal ball of *nuclear* fire.

One I time I read here on BP about two brothers that their patents were not home. They were not getting along. One of them went into a room and tried to shut the door. The other one was trying to pus it opened to get to his brother. They somehow broke it. Instead of keep fighting. They came together. There was another door in the basement. They replaced the broken door with the good door.

Gotta use what you have

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And you stole this tweet, Aly.

And the girlfriend is crying because that shower cost her 60 bucks in products.

Sooo just another day at the nascar race tracks then?

Do you want pirate raccoons? Because this is how you get pirate raccoons.

Small? Small? Who gets a SMALL Blizzard?

Painful. I have a fraternal twin (that I’m 3” taller and 60 seconds older than) and I’ve had often had people assume I’m a few years older than her - not because of my face (or so they tell me 😅) but because of my height, I just seem naturally like the big sister.

Recently, I saw a cook in a restaurant with “public armpits”. No thank you!

That is funny 😂

A former coworker of mine used to talk big to those of us who were married about how if HE was married he'd lay down the law to his wife, and everything would be just like he wanted. Then he married a young Italian woman. He's very quiet now.

Honestly, when I was in Abnormal Psych in 1987, decades before remote classes, there were a few lectures I could have described like this...

Imagine their surprise 🤣

Or, and hear me out, hang around an English class and learn punctuation.

My boyfriend once found a blank card with an image of two little girls having a tea party on the front. He’s this big bearded tattood guy, so he drew a smiley face with a huge squiggly beard on a piece of paper, cut it out, and taped it over one of the little girls’ heads. When he gave it to me he’s like “look it’s us having a tea party.” I don’t even know if he realizes how cute he is 😂😂

Nothing wrong with being “middle aged” 😊 I’m not quite there yet but I will be soon, and so will everyone younger who’s lucky enough. All the coolest people I know are so-called “middle-aged.”

We are honing our danger awareness skills.

If I was the lady date I would quietly Google just the word “calamari” and slide my phone over to him.

I have my grandma’s ashes in a beautiful glass pendant that I hang on the rear view mirror of my car (because it’s actually her car, I got it after she died). People sometimes comment on how pretty it is, and I love answering “thanks, it’s my dead grandma” 😅 (she’d find that funny lol)