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MIL Excuses Racism, Saying She Grew Up In Different Time, Is Cut Off From Her Mixed-Race Grandkids
Interview With OwnerDisrespectful family members are often the toughest people to deal with because even though it’s important to set boundaries, feuding with them might cause problems with the rest of the relatives. It’s not easy to know what to do in situations like this while still protecting your mental peace.
This is the situation a woman found herself in because of her controlling and racist mother-in-law. She didn’t want her in-law’s rude behavior to affect her mixed-race kids, but her husband kept making allowances for his mom.
More info: Mumsnet
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It is the responsibility of the parents to make sure their kids are kept safe from harmful people, even if that includes certain family members
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster mentioned that she’s Hispanic and her husband is European, and that they have three young mixed-race children, all living in his parents’ family home
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, the family had to deal with the husband’s racist and overbearing mom, who bullied the daughter-in-law and grandkids
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Eventually, the poster set boundaries with her mother-in-law by stopping her from having contact with her grandkids after she made some racist comments
Image credits: Eri2020
The husband said that his mom should be allowed supervised visits as she’s not that bad, but the wife refused as she felt her mother-in-law was a terrible person
It’s clear to see that the OP had to deal with her mother-in-law’s aggressive and rude behavior on a regular basis. The lady didn’t even spare her own grandkids and would bully them despite how young they were. Even though the poster tried setting boundaries with her husband’s mom, nothing seemed to stick.
To understand how to handle such difficult family situations, Bored Panda reached out to Todd Perelmuter. He shares his unique knowledge about meditation and spirituality with people who struggle with worry, addiction, and not living their lives to the fullest.
Todd explained that “there are two major issues facing our world right now. One, people are too afraid to be alone or be confrontational, so much so that they stay in bad relationships. Two, people are cutting off well-meaning and kind family members/friends way too fast. This couple is clearly in the first category.”
“They tried repeatedly to make the relationship work. Their grievances are far beyond misunderstandings, cultural differences, and personal differences. Their situation goes into the ‘overbearing-wicked-stepmother-from-Cinderella’ territory. This is far bigger than racist comments.”
“This is about respect for one’s space; if it cannot be respected and there cannot be a sanctuary of peace within a person’s own home, then a change needs to happen. We need a sacred space within our home. It should not be a place where we will feel tortured or worry about what kind of unpredictable chaos can come our way at any moment,” Todd explained.
The OP finally had enough of her mother-in-law’s antics, so she let the woman know that she wouldn’t get to be around her grandkids anymore. Unfortunately, this also caused more problems because the husband’s mom then took away their keys, pretended not to understand the couple, and screamed at them aggressively.
Todd Perelmuter told us that “it is clear that we also need to have compassion for the mother-in-law. She is so very clearly troubled and disturbed in many, many ways. Happy people do not make other people’s lives miserable. When it comes to a racist family member, boundaries and self-protection are essential.”
“The mother-in-law has shown that she doesn’t respect boundaries, so we must believe what her actions have revealed. I hope there can be love at least from the couple’s side. Love and forgiveness do not mean caving in, moving back in with her, or giving her a key to the new house. It means letting go of the hate and anger in their hearts so they can heal and move on,” he added.
Image credits: Ron Lach / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Even though the wife was scared and tired of her mother-in-law’s racist and hostile behavior, the husband did not share her feelings. He believed that the children would be better off having a grandparent in their lives and that his mother should have supervised visits with them at least.
Todd’s thoughts on this were that “the wife is not being unreasonable. I hope that there can be a time when the mother-in-law can prove that she is sorry, that she understands her behavior was wrong, that she won’t do it again, and that one day, there can be supervised, safe visits in neutral and public spaces.”
“Perhaps the relationship can reset once tempers have cooled. But as far as living together or unsupervised visits, it will take some time to rebuild the trust. Parents need to be in charge of the parenting, and when that is undermined, it is very reasonable for action to be taken,” he explained.
The husband felt that his mom could be trusted, but he only believed that because he had turned a blind eye to her racist comments. He clearly didn’t think about how her behavior or words would affect his mixed-race children.
That’s why Todd Perelmuter mentioned that “the most important thing is to make sure the children are growing up in a stress-free atmosphere. That means making sure the couple is not taking their stress home, making sure they release that stress in a positive and productive way, and making sure the children learn to notice and release any stress that they may be feeling.”
“Children notice and pick up the subtle feelings of the adults around them. If we don’t all learn the healthy tools to release our stress, such as mindfulness and meditation, we will almost inevitably turn to the destructive habits that are all around us.”
It’s definitely true that the OP, her husband, the mother-in-law, and the children were probably under a great deal of stress. Rather than constantly worrying about fixing the relationship, it might be better if they all take a step back from the situation. Time does heal, and hopefully, this fractured connection may slowly become normal again.
Do you agree with the poster’s decision to keep her kids away from her husband’s mom? Do share your honest opinions in the comments.
People told the woman that she and her family needed to move out so that her children wouldn’t be exposed to such a toxic environment
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What do you think ?
Mark Childers 9 months ago
The paternal side of my family was extremely racist. I hated it so much. Luckily, we lived with our mother, and she is one of the kindest people I know. She loves everyone and goes out of her way for people from other countries. We live where there's a large university with a lot of international students, and she loves interacting with them and learning from them. Racism is hatred. And hate has no place in society, but especially not in families. These parents need to keep those kids away from the grandma.
Stacy Bender 9 months ago
When will people realize that mental and emotional abuse leaves deeper scars than physical? Get those kids away from her. Being grandparents isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Tabitha 9 months ago (edited)
I’m 64. I am a “product of a different time”. My parents were old school and very (insultingly) condescending toward people of other races (my father extended his condescension to women as well). I remember certain derogatory terms being freely and unapologetically said at home. I hated it as a child then, and still hate it as an old person now. Being “a product of an another time” is a b******t excuse that only allows truly horrible people to continue wing horrible, when they should be called out and publicly shamed for their antiquated and 100% WRONG attitudes. Human beings are supposed to strive to be BETTER, not worse. We’re not supposed to stagnate in the worse and never change. Age and experience should open your eyes and teach you just how much more alike than different we all are. No one should ever make excuses for any knuckledraggers who cling such disgusting attitudes. We should all demand such people become better, and if they don’t, we should go NC with them. If that doesn’t work, then they’re a lost cause who has no self awareness. Hell, they’re barely sentient in my opinion, and should just crawl back into the slime with their similarly unevolved cousins.
Mark Childers 9 months ago
The paternal side of my family was extremely racist. I hated it so much. Luckily, we lived with our mother, and she is one of the kindest people I know. She loves everyone and goes out of her way for people from other countries. We live where there's a large university with a lot of international students, and she loves interacting with them and learning from them. Racism is hatred. And hate has no place in society, but especially not in families. These parents need to keep those kids away from the grandma.
Stacy Bender 9 months ago
When will people realize that mental and emotional abuse leaves deeper scars than physical? Get those kids away from her. Being grandparents isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Tabitha 9 months ago (edited)
I’m 64. I am a “product of a different time”. My parents were old school and very (insultingly) condescending toward people of other races (my father extended his condescension to women as well). I remember certain derogatory terms being freely and unapologetically said at home. I hated it as a child then, and still hate it as an old person now. Being “a product of an another time” is a b******t excuse that only allows truly horrible people to continue wing horrible, when they should be called out and publicly shamed for their antiquated and 100% WRONG attitudes. Human beings are supposed to strive to be BETTER, not worse. We’re not supposed to stagnate in the worse and never change. Age and experience should open your eyes and teach you just how much more alike than different we all are. No one should ever make excuses for any knuckledraggers who cling such disgusting attitudes. We should all demand such people become better, and if they don’t, we should go NC with them. If that doesn’t work, then they’re a lost cause who has no self awareness. Hell, they’re barely sentient in my opinion, and should just crawl back into the slime with their similarly unevolved cousins.
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