“You gotta see the baby!” Is all you hear when friends or family drop a new sprog into the world. So along you go, dutifully cooing and ahhing over this newly-minted human, which is never half as cute or adorable as you repeatedly have to reassure the parents that it is.

Because sure, for the parents, this is now their world. We get that and it's perfectly understandable. But for the rest of us... It's just another human to add to the 7 billion of us that are already here. And come on, the constant care and attention that they need, for years and years, makes you wonder how we became to be the dominant species on the planet.

Newborns have escaped criticism for far too long now, all that soft skin and new baby smell has blinded us to their faults. But no more! Twitter user Charlily began the roast by suggesting: “Let's slander newborns,” and people were only too happy to oblige. Scroll down below to check out the hilariously tongue-in-cheek thread for yourself, and let us know what you think in the comments! (Facebook cover image: Michael McIlwraith)

Image credits: charlee_buns

Image credits: Jessica Merz

#1

stilltryingtodie

stare alot for someone who cant fight

5:38 AM - 24 Mar 2019

wanabeianconnor Report

Kaisu 2 weeks ago

😂😂😂

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Newborn babies need a lot of care and attention in their first year of life as opposed to, say, a baby horse which is on its feet and running around within hours. According to bounty.com, in the first couple of months a baby’s reflexes will be developing and you will notice that if you touch your baby’s cheek, they will turn that way and if you put your finger in their palm they will grab it.

“Although early bouts of wind are often mistaken for a baby’s first smile, the truth is from around 2 months old your baby should be able to respond to you by smiling back at you. Encourage this by smiling plenty at your baby and you will soon notice they smile back. A precious first milestone.” So no, your less-than-2-month-old is not smiling at you, he's just farting. 

#2

Man_on_a_farm

They're here to replace us. They want to take our jobs and live in our houses and when we die the little buggers will take all our money.

7:43 PM - 23 Mar 2019

gulliver_trevor Report

MEB 2 weeks ago

Let's make them feed us puree and change our adult diapers before we go and teach them that what goes around comes around.

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#3

For a product that’s brand new they’re not efficient. 0/10 would not recommend

7:03 PM - 23 Mar 2019

TheRookieGod1 Report

🌐 Palo Aalto 🌐 2 weeks ago

'What I think I ordered '- life vs. 'What I got' -life

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Don't expect that bundle of joy to even be able to roll itself over until at least the 4 month mark. “They may attempt to roll and get stuck and therefore get upset so be prepared to help them out of uncomfortable situations!” Bounty helpfully explain. “You can help them to get ready to roll over by laying down with them and giving them loads of encouragement and putting a toy just out to reach to see if they try and roll to reach it.”

By this stage the baby can also bear weight on their legs, recognise your voice, turn towards loud sounds and bring their hands together.

#4

Martin

Other animals drop out and go hunt...
If we ain't hold em properly their head might pop off....

7:07 AM - 24 Mar 2019

MartinPagon Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

Can’t we all just be wolves or something

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#5

Bomia Gabice

They wear a lot of white for people who don’t do they own laundry

3:15 AM - 24 Mar 2019

bomiagabice Report

MEB 2 weeks ago (edited)

And that baby poo stains stuff and gets EVERYWHERE...

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The little poo-and-vomit machine has been interrupting your sleep for 6 months now, but it should finally start sleeping around 6-8 hours by this stage. “Of course, this isn’t the case for all babies but you should notice longer periods of sleep at night by now.”

“Your baby will also be engaging with you much more by now, smiling and laughing and babbling away to you. Baby can imitate sounds like 'mama and dada', may have cut a first tooth and may be beginning to sit without support. Baby may also be lunging forward from sitting and possibly starting crawling.”

#6

Rejo

They've got too many rights for someone who did 9 months inside

5:06 AM - 24 Mar 2019

rejoycet Report

Aria Whitaker 2 weeks ago

And mine only did 8 months....slacker.

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#7

cersei deserves the throne

Too clingy, which messes up the vibe. Act like they gonna die if you leave them alone for a couple days 🙄

7:20 PM - 23 Mar 2019

candlelitttt Report

Bored Phoenix 2 weeks ago

Waaaaaayyyy too clingy.

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By 8 months, dearest baby will be happily rolling around and working out how to finally sit up. “Although in the early stages they will be quite wobbly and need propping up, by 8 months they should be more sturdy and able to sit up unaided. Plenty of floor time will help your little one practice and eventually master it. They may also show signs of crawling so give them plenty of tummy time to build up those important muscles.”

They might even be able to to pick things up by now and could soon be standing while holding on to something. Remember, 2 hours it took a horse to be able to walk! Laaazy babies.  

#8

Rhiannon Admidas Conley

Undercooked.

11:28 AM - 24 Mar 2019

RhiannonAdmidas Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

This needs to be way higher! 😂

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#9

People-Slander-Newborns

ifyadi Report

FatBaby 2 weeks ago

yes, the baby wants to get high with you.....my first thought.

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Using lots of repetition you should be able to help baby copy what you do, so it could do things like clap its hands together and understand basic hand gestures. It could wave goodbye for example, and be able to associate the word ‘bye’ and wave at you by the age of 10 months

“Your baby should also be a dab hand at moving between sitting and lying down and some will be able to shuffle on their bottom to reach for things. Although, it’s important to note some babies miss the shuffling stage altogether.”

#10

People-Slander-Newborns

homegworl Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

Second of all, they then force you to spend all YOUR money on them. And they never even pay you back. :/

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#11

March 30th

They have no respect. I go out my way to make sure I don't wake them up. But when IM sleep, they'll scream bloody murder til I wake up

6:36 AM - 24 Mar 2019

DColeworld Report

earringnut 2 weeks ago

That's just rude.

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Coming up to a year old, the little snotty one might be able to stand alone for a couple of seconds! And even be on their way to drinking from a cup. A cup! They'll be able to gesture to what they want and be able to understand and respond to simple instructions too. 

“Cruising is the next stage your baby will reach and is the early stages of walking as they use furniture as a support to take those early steps. Pulling themselves up to standing and cruising around furniture will also be a popular past-time at this stage.”

So that's it, prospective parents! It's a journey, you won't get a lot of sleep and there'll be plenty of ups and downs. But as those who have already been there will tell you, the rewards are plentiful!

#12

Baby Daddy of Dragons

And they can't hold their liquor at ALL

6:42 AM - 25 Mar 2019

Hustle_Scholar Report

earringnut 2 weeks ago

I laughed so hard at this I ended up with a coughing fit.

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#13

WASHEDZEL WASHEDINGTON

They don’t even speak English.

Talking some “goo-goo, gaga”

We speak American in this country, Osama!

3:45 PM - 23 Mar 2019

KingKultura Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

American.

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#14

Angela

They will bite the breasts of anyone holding them. Like, exCUSE me, can you not.

9:03 AM - 24 Mar 2019

_une_femme_ Report

Night Owl 2 weeks ago

*gasp* That's assault!!! You have to report them.

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#15

Birdie

For people who don’t do any work, they sure do sleep a lot. 😡
We’ve got bills???!!!!!

11:46 PM - 23 Mar 2019

Topfayz Report

Kaisu 2 weeks ago

Damn freeloaders

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#16

kimmyll

Drop them once and they never trust you again

9:25 AM - 24 Mar 2019

LmwakaLl Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

I think this is most adults too. :/

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#17

Your fav follower

And when they cry... 🙄
Feed him... Still cries
Give him toy... Still cries
Hold him... Still cries

Can they be clear about what they want... their lives ain't that hard to be crying all the damn time

6:20 PM - 23 Mar 2019

lunga_lindo Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

Yep.

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#18

Whiskered

Poor communication skills. As demanding as they are.

1:11 AM - 24 Mar 2019

DrChubbyy Report

sfg4life515 2 weeks ago

Yep, very unclear. Again, always sniff the bay-bay to be certain he/she hasn't be hitting the bottle. Again.

#19

Temerity Drake

They don’t even know how to chew. They get brand new teeth and still try to swallow food whole like a boa constrictor. Then got the nerve to choke all silly and stuff🙄

4:17 PM - 23 Mar 2019

tsddrake Report

Lilian Della Rose 2 weeks ago

A child I used to babysit had just finished teething. To celebrate I gave her a piece of chocolate, she just popped it in her mouth and tried to swallow it whole

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#20

Tamarra The Aries

They really eat a lot for someone not chipping in on grocery money. EVERY 4 hours you hungry? 🤨Really?!?!

8:40 AM - 24 Mar 2019

T_monster Report

FatBaby 2 weeks ago

seems sketchy

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#21

Tailor Swift

A whole lot of poo for creatures on a liquid diet damn 😩

11:38 AM - 24 Mar 2019

ItsYETTYjoor Report

sfg4life515 2 weeks ago

And in a whole rainbow of colors! Sometimes TWO colors (my oldest had orange and green).

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#22

Jazzy J

They always need stuff and never have any money.. broke and begging like an ig model

6:47 AM - 24 Mar 2019

JASS_Kidding Report

Kaisu 2 weeks ago

Like an IG model lol

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#23

People-Slander-Newborns

le_munchkine Report

Natters 2 weeks ago

He tried to steal my thumb.

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#24

People-Slander-Newborns

wicky_mash Report

Vlad Horobet 2 weeks ago

They're clapping in ultrasonic frequency, so high we can't hear it.

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#25

SadGirlx

Theyre badly designed- their soft spot on their head is pretty much a self destruct button. I don’t like the way they always stare at me. It’s weird.

1:31 AM - 25 Mar 2019

G0th_GirlClique Report

earringnut 2 weeks ago

...And from this day forward the soft spot on a baby's skull will be known as the self destruct button.

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#26

Poojah, Whats this behavior?

Like why are they so sassy? literally have to hold there heads or they’ll just roll their necks for no reason. Like ma’am who do you have beef with? Only been here for like 3 days

8:12 AM - 24 Mar 2019

_QueenTM Report

FatBaby 2 weeks ago

LMAO

#27

They come and I lose everything, my wife, her tits, the quiet, my money, my space, the walk space, in fact, what don't they take from me, they take my life, and then I become addicted... Yet they be doing like they don't know what they have done to me. I can't deal no more. Lol

1:42 AM - 24 Mar 2019

ayomystical Report

FatBaby 2 weeks ago

They're basically a drug

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#28

Annalisa Conti

I mean, they should just sleep at least 8 hours per night, like all decent people

9:31 PM - 23 Mar 2019

AnnalisaContiUS Report

Clematis 2 weeks ago

Better yet, 8 hours a night without waking up 50 times.

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#29

Selena

They all look like potatoes anyway 🤷🏾‍♀️

7:22 PM - 23 Mar 2019

SelenaShines Report

Luna Lovegood 2 weeks ago

But potatoes are great!

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#30

They boring af 😂😂😂😭😭😂

6:40 PM - 23 Mar 2019

Heni__A Report

Linda Hobart 2 weeks ago

Oh I agree!

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