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Woman Refuses To Financially Support Fiancé’s Younger Brother Who’s Just Lost His Parents, Dumps Him After His Ultimatum
While I’m all for saying life is like a box of chocolates when describing the uncertainty that life has to offer, I think modern tech has proved on more than one occasion that you can know what you’re gonna get these days.
Instead, I suggest going for life is like a stray curve-ball. I needn’t finish that sentence for you to assume the dire consequences of that.
Same goes with relationships sometimes. Especially when you throw out an ultimatum as a bluff, only to be hit back by said curve-ball straight in the kisser (or that other area nobody would ever want to be hit in).
Play stupid games—win stupid prizes, right?
More Info: Reddit
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The last thing you’d want to do in a complex dilemma is throw an ultimatum into the works in hopes of making it work. Spoiler Alert: it won’t
Image credits: eflon (not the actual image)
A woman in her late 20s approached the Am I The A-Hole? community with a situation she’s gotten herself into. But not in the sense that she brought it upon herself, but she just found herself there.
OP is engaged to this guy named Derek, with whom, by the looks of things, she has a long-term relationship of at least five years. And stuff seemed to be serious at this point as the two knew where they were going and how they imagined life together: living in a “moderately cramped” studio apartment but saving up for a nice house outside of the city, deciding against having kids, stuff like that.
Well, all of this changed after Derek learned that his parents—father and step-mother—had suddenly passed away in a horrific accident. And this unfortunate event orphaned his 12-year-old half-brother, who now is with his aunt. While that is not a bad thing in and of itself, he’d allegedly have to babysit her 5 kids and sleep on the floor, and, as you can imagine, it was not solace after what he has gone through.
One such ultimatum found its way into this relationship where the dilemma was taking in an orphaned half-brother, but refusing to compromise
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
So, Derek suggested the couple take the little boy in. Awesome gesture, but one that begs many questions. Apart from agreeing to live a childfree life, the two were also not in the financial state to take on more responsibility in the form of child care. This is besides the emotional, moral, spiritual and any other commitment that they’d be taking on in order to raise the kid.
Given this, OP was against the idea. After a lot of pushback from the fiance and his half-bro, OP felt conflicted. Having been raised in foster care herself, she felt biased on the matter, so some perspective was in order. And so the story found itself on r/AITA.
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
Image credit: Marco Verch Professional Photographer (not the actual image)
Well, this was just the beginning of it. The post got updated twice after that. The first time, OP provided elaborated on the numbers she crunched concerning little half-bro’s involvement in their household. Long story short, no ideal solutions here as it would mean they’d have to commit $3,000 just to move to a more spacious apartment and pay an extra $1,000 a month.
This is all considering the fact that the two agreed to support each other during their studies, with OP already having gone through the help he gave and now returning the favor as he had just kicked off his 4-year degree. The only problem as that his expenses are much greater than hers were—$1,500 greater, to be precise. Plus, she’s paying for the parents’ funeral. $10,000, if you’re wondering. So, a compromise had to be made in order for this to work at all.
The woman did some number crunching to point out just how financially unviable it is, let alone unfair, to take in the kid, despite the fiance’s good intentions
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
Image credit: Luigi Morante (not the actual image)
The second time was the update where OP detailed the talk she had with her fiance. Long story short, civilized talk led to an ultimatum from the guy—one that seemingly was supposed to be a bluff—that backfired miserably as the woman decided that enough is enough and she decided to split.
Shocked, the boyfriend made a u-turn and started begging her to stay. But between the manipulative ultimatum, disregarding past agreements and just not listening to reason, it was clear to OP that it could have spiraled even more out of control if she had taken the bait—it seemed like a very easy solution for the fiance, but, realistically speaking, it wouldn’t stop with just providing a roof over his head.
The whole situation ultimately led to an ultimatum that, despite being a bluff, did not work well for the fiance as the original poster decided to leave him
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
And folks in the community shared an opinion on this. Mostly, it was those saying that she is not wrong to have done what she did for the same reasons—it’s a huge commitment, on multiple levels; she did the math, and there are only certain options that aren’t an option for the guy, so that’s a dead end; and some didn’t even agree with having to pay the $10K for the funeral, which hinted at the idea of her being the victim in all of this.
But there were those who saw it as being no a-holes here kind of situation. They argued that there are government funds that family of the deceased might be eligible to. Besides that, you can’t blame the guy for wanting what’s best for his half-brother, let alone honoring their parents by becoming a guardian. His heart is in the right place.
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
Whatever the case may be, the post has gone viral with nearly 9,000 upvotes and a handful of Reddit awards. You can check out the post here. But don’t go just yet—we want your opinion on who’s who in this situation in the comment section below! Oh, and why not hit that upvote button because that is the best way to show some love for people!
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What do you think ?
JelliTate 3 years ago
I appreciate that the she understands her limitations and is going into this with a clear head. She did not say "no" even though she did not want the responsibility. She asked that her fiance do his part to help. She will be much happier with her cat and less responsibility. I hope her fiance and his poor brother find peace.
Bunzilla 3 years ago
Right, him saying that he allowed her to not have a job while she was going through school is a false equivalency. They didn't have a third human being to look after when she was going to school.
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Leeca Aldrich 3 years ago
As do I. But Derek is the one at fault here. He should have already checked into SS Survivors Benefits for his brother, so that info could be used in calculating finances, and he should also have been the one to plan his parents' funeral, even though he is not the one who paid for it. Instead, it seems all responsibility has been dumped on the girlfriend. I have no doubt that all responsibility for the half-brother would also be dumped on her. Don't go back, girl!
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Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
The fiancé could also go to school part time—-including summer classes—-and work part time. May take him 10+ years to finish, even though at some point his brother would no longer be a child and fiancé could take on extra courses and finish earlier than 10+ years. But he doesn’t even want to do that. The OP just shelled out $10,000 for HIS parents’ funeral, and is offering him another $3500 to help him out, and even THAT isn’t good enough. She called his bluff, and now he’s s******g his pants over it. She’s definitely NTA, and will be much happier living alone with her cat—-and eventually a new fiancé who actually deserves her. Sucks for the kid, but fiancé made his bed and now has to man uo and lie in it. Also, Auntie is a REAL a*****e for making her nephew, who just lost both his parents in a horrific way, sleep on the floor and be a free babysitter, at age 12. Sounds like the fiancé comes from a f****d up family, so that just adds to the benefits for her for getting TF OUT!
lauralett50 3 years ago
You have been reading my mind. Everything you posted is Exactly what I thought.
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Two_rolling_black_eyes 3 years ago (edited)
The kid/no kid thing has killed many relationships. People assume you'll change your mind when you get older/circumstances change but its often not the case and that's the end of the relationship. I admire the ex-fiance for wanting to take care of his sibling but you can't force someone to want or like children, especially when they've stated it up front.
Bad Ass69 3 years ago
You see it. Upon consideration this child will be made to feel unwanted in this studio apartment. Which can cause low self esteem and psychological damage. This child has been through enough without being made to feel like a third wheel or a thorn in someone's side. He will be much better in the end in a home where he is loved, wanted and safe! Watching his little cousins will teach him to be more responsible regardless of what he may want! I had real parents only my father made me feel loved or wanted. But when they divorced just before I turned 15 I found myself alone in this world and a homeless child. My father remarried and my stepmother regarded me as his OLD FAMILY! And he had a new family now so I had to go! My mother never wanted me and quite frequently told me that. I WAS AN ACCIDENT and she never meant to have me! What a rotten b!Г©μ! Right.
Load More Replies...
S Mi 3 years ago (edited)
I think this is really complicated, and I'm not sure anyone is an a*****e here. But I will say her attitude towards the brother feels extremely callous. This boy was orphaned in a horrific accident and is sleeping on a floor in a home with 5 other kids. He'll be fed and that's enough? Ouch. No empathy I think her note that she grew up in foster care is relevant and probably informs her pov. But still reading this, my heart went out to that child.
Eliza May 3 years ago
Who is more callous, her for ssying she's willing to take it on if he could at least sacrifice a few hours a week for a part-time job so the kid could have a room of his own, clothes, school supplies, and food for a growing teenage boy? Or the brother who says, 'no, YOU didn't have to work so nrither should I, despite this huge change in circumstances?
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Jack S 3 years ago
The biggest problem here is the only one actually being punished is the kid. Props to the dude for wanting to take his bro in but also, get a f*****g job. And I get the gf's point of view but at the same time a lot of what I read just made me think "damn, what a c**t". This is a tough one.
TurquoiseTzarina 3 years ago
I think OP is not well suited for this relationship. Life happens, with all of its unpredictable ups, downs and sideway experiences. Some women would be able to adjust and roll with it, others aren't equipped to handle certain kinds of bumps in the road. Not pointing any fingers. You can't have a score card either. ' I put in this amount of time/money, so you have to match it with equal time/money'. It won't always be equitable. My heart goes out to the Fiancé and his young brother. They'll have to ride out this grief storm together. OP has made her decision and as long as she has peace with it, bless her. No one is really the a*****e here. Just lots of brokenness. :(
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Eliza 3 years ago
I may call her callous to a degree but overall I think she is NTA. The fiancé however is definitely TA. Supporting someone through college and supporting someone in middle school are 2 drastically different things. Him outright refusing to get a job when the circumstances changed just seems childish. She may not have needed to work through her schooling but he also wasn't supporting a preteen while working either.
Carlos 3 years ago
supporting someone once you already have a degree and good paying job is also not the same as supporting someone without a degree or financial stability, which is what the fiance did for her. I dont know many AH's who would put their own lives on hold to support their SO through college, especially not without being well off financially themselves, js
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deanna woods 3 years ago
I am going to start by saying that you don't give ultimatums in relationships. That is a big no no. Secondly, she told the fiance a long time ago that she didn't want children and now he is trying to force her to raise his little brother. Twelve year olds barely listen to their parents, does he think that this kid is going to listen to his brother's girlfriend. This is just my opinion, but I think that this guy planned to move his little brother in and have her handle all of the child rearing. Now that they are no longer together, he can finally take responsibility for his little brother. That means he may have to get a job.
Dorey Bell 3 years ago
Little brother should get counseling, survivor benefits, and a secure home. Someone should start a go fund me account, for current and future expenses. Being in a home where he feels valued and loved, is essential, when a child's life is upheaved
JPinto 3 years ago
Exactly! Unfortunately too much money is wasted on alcohol and cigarettes. But not on charity..
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Kelley Baltierra 3 years ago
Nta: you shouldn't have even had to pay for the funeral. Shows you're a good person. You WERE engaged: your money is not his money. I feel bad for his little brother but at least he's got a place to stay and Derek should grow up and be responsible and get a job if he REALLY wants to take care of him. You spent five years with this guy. I'm sure you'll find someone better
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
I don't get why people can't see what you're saying. They say she's being selfish, when she's being very reasonable. She grew up in foster care, sometimes that is the best some kids, and I know that not every foster home is the best, but it'd be better than living with Aunt who basically makes the kid be a slave to her own. And with the money thing, it's called a budget and in this case, it's seriously needed especially if Derek won't do sh*t. She's willing to compromise to care for the child but he isn't. He's acting like an entitled baby and doesn't want to help financially and care for his brother, it's sickening.
Load More Replies... JelliTate 3 years ago
I appreciate that the she understands her limitations and is going into this with a clear head. She did not say "no" even though she did not want the responsibility. She asked that her fiance do his part to help. She will be much happier with her cat and less responsibility. I hope her fiance and his poor brother find peace.
Bunzilla 3 years ago
Right, him saying that he allowed her to not have a job while she was going through school is a false equivalency. They didn't have a third human being to look after when she was going to school.
Load More Replies... Leeca Aldrich 3 years ago
As do I. But Derek is the one at fault here. He should have already checked into SS Survivors Benefits for his brother, so that info could be used in calculating finances, and he should also have been the one to plan his parents' funeral, even though he is not the one who paid for it. Instead, it seems all responsibility has been dumped on the girlfriend. I have no doubt that all responsibility for the half-brother would also be dumped on her. Don't go back, girl!
Load More Replies... Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
The fiancé could also go to school part time—-including summer classes—-and work part time. May take him 10+ years to finish, even though at some point his brother would no longer be a child and fiancé could take on extra courses and finish earlier than 10+ years. But he doesn’t even want to do that. The OP just shelled out $10,000 for HIS parents’ funeral, and is offering him another $3500 to help him out, and even THAT isn’t good enough. She called his bluff, and now he’s s******g his pants over it. She’s definitely NTA, and will be much happier living alone with her cat—-and eventually a new fiancé who actually deserves her. Sucks for the kid, but fiancé made his bed and now has to man uo and lie in it. Also, Auntie is a REAL a*****e for making her nephew, who just lost both his parents in a horrific way, sleep on the floor and be a free babysitter, at age 12. Sounds like the fiancé comes from a f****d up family, so that just adds to the benefits for her for getting TF OUT!
lauralett50 3 years ago
You have been reading my mind. Everything you posted is Exactly what I thought.
Load More Replies... Two_rolling_black_eyes 3 years ago (edited)
The kid/no kid thing has killed many relationships. People assume you'll change your mind when you get older/circumstances change but its often not the case and that's the end of the relationship. I admire the ex-fiance for wanting to take care of his sibling but you can't force someone to want or like children, especially when they've stated it up front.
Bad Ass69 3 years ago
You see it. Upon consideration this child will be made to feel unwanted in this studio apartment. Which can cause low self esteem and psychological damage. This child has been through enough without being made to feel like a third wheel or a thorn in someone's side. He will be much better in the end in a home where he is loved, wanted and safe! Watching his little cousins will teach him to be more responsible regardless of what he may want! I had real parents only my father made me feel loved or wanted. But when they divorced just before I turned 15 I found myself alone in this world and a homeless child. My father remarried and my stepmother regarded me as his OLD FAMILY! And he had a new family now so I had to go! My mother never wanted me and quite frequently told me that. I WAS AN ACCIDENT and she never meant to have me! What a rotten b!Г©μ! Right.
Load More Replies... S Mi 3 years ago (edited)
I think this is really complicated, and I'm not sure anyone is an a*****e here. But I will say her attitude towards the brother feels extremely callous. This boy was orphaned in a horrific accident and is sleeping on a floor in a home with 5 other kids. He'll be fed and that's enough? Ouch. No empathy I think her note that she grew up in foster care is relevant and probably informs her pov. But still reading this, my heart went out to that child.
Eliza May 3 years ago
Who is more callous, her for ssying she's willing to take it on if he could at least sacrifice a few hours a week for a part-time job so the kid could have a room of his own, clothes, school supplies, and food for a growing teenage boy? Or the brother who says, 'no, YOU didn't have to work so nrither should I, despite this huge change in circumstances?
Load More Replies... Jack S 3 years ago
The biggest problem here is the only one actually being punished is the kid. Props to the dude for wanting to take his bro in but also, get a f*****g job. And I get the gf's point of view but at the same time a lot of what I read just made me think "damn, what a c**t". This is a tough one.
TurquoiseTzarina 3 years ago
I think OP is not well suited for this relationship. Life happens, with all of its unpredictable ups, downs and sideway experiences. Some women would be able to adjust and roll with it, others aren't equipped to handle certain kinds of bumps in the road. Not pointing any fingers. You can't have a score card either. ' I put in this amount of time/money, so you have to match it with equal time/money'. It won't always be equitable. My heart goes out to the Fiancé and his young brother. They'll have to ride out this grief storm together. OP has made her decision and as long as she has peace with it, bless her. No one is really the a*****e here. Just lots of brokenness. :(
Load More Replies... Eliza 3 years ago
I may call her callous to a degree but overall I think she is NTA. The fiancé however is definitely TA. Supporting someone through college and supporting someone in middle school are 2 drastically different things. Him outright refusing to get a job when the circumstances changed just seems childish. She may not have needed to work through her schooling but he also wasn't supporting a preteen while working either.
Carlos 3 years ago
supporting someone once you already have a degree and good paying job is also not the same as supporting someone without a degree or financial stability, which is what the fiance did for her. I dont know many AH's who would put their own lives on hold to support their SO through college, especially not without being well off financially themselves, js
Load More Replies... deanna woods 3 years ago
I am going to start by saying that you don't give ultimatums in relationships. That is a big no no. Secondly, she told the fiance a long time ago that she didn't want children and now he is trying to force her to raise his little brother. Twelve year olds barely listen to their parents, does he think that this kid is going to listen to his brother's girlfriend. This is just my opinion, but I think that this guy planned to move his little brother in and have her handle all of the child rearing. Now that they are no longer together, he can finally take responsibility for his little brother. That means he may have to get a job.
Dorey Bell 3 years ago
Little brother should get counseling, survivor benefits, and a secure home. Someone should start a go fund me account, for current and future expenses. Being in a home where he feels valued and loved, is essential, when a child's life is upheaved
JPinto 3 years ago
Exactly! Unfortunately too much money is wasted on alcohol and cigarettes. But not on charity..
Load More Replies... Kelley Baltierra 3 years ago
Nta: you shouldn't have even had to pay for the funeral. Shows you're a good person. You WERE engaged: your money is not his money. I feel bad for his little brother but at least he's got a place to stay and Derek should grow up and be responsible and get a job if he REALLY wants to take care of him. You spent five years with this guy. I'm sure you'll find someone better
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
I don't get why people can't see what you're saying. They say she's being selfish, when she's being very reasonable. She grew up in foster care, sometimes that is the best some kids, and I know that not every foster home is the best, but it'd be better than living with Aunt who basically makes the kid be a slave to her own. And with the money thing, it's called a budget and in this case, it's seriously needed especially if Derek won't do sh*t. She's willing to compromise to care for the child but he isn't. He's acting like an entitled baby and doesn't want to help financially and care for his brother, it's sickening.
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