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29 Hidden Friendship Red Flags You Only Notice Too Late
Many people agree that making genuine friendships in adulthood can be challenging. And if you do make these new connections, some unsavory behaviors may fly under your radar because they aren’t as obvious.
Fortunately, the Reddit community can help us spot warning signs before they cause damage. A user posted this question a while back, and it remains relevant: “What is a non-obvious red flag in a friendship?”
People shared stories about subtle put-downs, various forms of gaslighting, and blame-shifting, to name a few. If you’re experiencing any of these from supposed friends, perhaps it’s a sign to rethink the relationship and whether or not it adds value to your life.
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#1
You get nervous and have to be really careful what you say because anything can set them off.
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#2
The biggest indication is you go "ugh" when you see their name on your phone. Think about why you have that reaction.
#3
Always one-upping. This doesn’t refer to sharing their own story in response to yours, that’s pretty normal. It’s more about how you can never have the focus remain on you, it always becomes about them.
#5
I guess this might be a little obvious, but if they do something wrong and end up giving you the cold shoulder because you get mad at them for it, and you end up being the one to mend the bridge even though they were the one who did something wrong... yeah that's a bad sign.
#6
Treating you differently when you’re around other people- acting embarrassed, disgusted, condescendingly, reserved. It happened to me personally and it took a while for me to understand it fully, but babes don’t stick your necks out for someone who wouldn’t even lift a pinky for you.
#7
They only talk about themselves.. that's literally the only noise coming from their face hole.
#8
They don't actually bother to message you, if you message first they'll engage for a bit, but not actually message you first.
#9
Being interrupted mid sentence constantly. We all interrupt sometimes, but when it’s frequent and one is unable to finish even a story, opinion, or train of thought then it’s pretty obvious that friend is not interested in you, not really.
#10
Feeling like they're trying to micromanage you. I had a former friend who, among other things, would constantly be monitoring everything I said/posted on social media.
I already have to deal with a lack of privacy at home. If I can choose not to associate with someone who doesn't respect boundaries, then I won't.
#13
Plans always have to be whatever they want, and they get sulky if you want to do something you enjoy.
#14
You always come put of an argument feeling exausted and nothing was really solved
This CAN be obvious, but it's also easy to write off as the conversation not working out. Getting to the root of the problem is important, the people who fight against that are generally going to be pretty toxic, whether they mean to be or not.
#15
When they're obsessively competitive. Such as when you share a bad experience, they go and say "That's it?" then say that their experiences are worse. Like, come on man lemme b***h about my cheating father who chose to stay with his woman instead of making me feel like s**t then rant about your grandmother taking your laptop away because you failed Science.
#16
When they can't keep plans consistent. If they're consistently last-minute dropping/changing plans, then it's a sign that you're their second-best option. You're their backup if nothing else is better.
#17
Unquestionable support. Some people I know have a very loyal group of friends and it drives me insane and I really want to keep my distance from that bunch. Because I know what happens if any of their friends once criticizes them - they are able to cut off friendship altogether at once because of that.
Most of my friends tell each other harsh criticism and insult each other all the time and I think we have much more trust in each other because of that.
#19
‘I seem to attract people who are s****y friends.’
Said to me by someone who boundary stomped, gossiped, talked about herself incessantly, Facebook stalked my other friends, got jealous when I spoke to people who weren’t her and tried to insert herself
Into every part of my life during the 18 months we knew each other.
#21
They love everything you love. This is one that feels good because it happens in the beginning of the friendships that turn out to be super f****d up. If it’s movies or music you have in common that’s one thing, but if it’s EVERY movie and ALL music you like and the exact same restaurant that you like THEY like as much as you do and OMG you like salting your food??? ME TOOOO!! Then that’s when you take a giant step back.
It’s actually fairly easy to create space between yourself with these folx. Just tell them you don’t like something they’ve already said they like. Or..say no to them when they ask you for a favor. If they take it super personally then that’s a sign they are immature and can’t handle a real friendship.
#22
They have another group of friends you’re never invited to hang out with even though you invite them to hang out with your other friend groups.
#23
How they act around girls. They could Talk you up, or talk you down a bit in front of them for a laugh
Can be in good fun, depending, but there’s a hard to see line there some friends cross.
#24
I cannot really point out a red flag in a few words, because the red flag is often set within a specific situation. In my case, I had a friend who was trans, he was actually a she and I had no issue with that at all. She would message me daily to talk to me, she had a few mental illnesses as well - which again, I do not judge against whatsoever - and I tried to help her see certain situations from different perspectives, so I saved her from a few fights with her mum and other people. She would talk to me day in day out, even when my own mental health began to deteriorate and when she wanted to talk to me, sometimes I would let her know I was too tired or didn't want to right now.
In the end she exploded at me after I had worded an issue I had with her rather poorly, saying how I had been nasty to her and was trying to manipulate her. She blocked me everywhere after that.
I guess in short, when a friend is only friends with you for what they can gain from you and won't respect your boundaries, that's a red flag, but it's not always clear to see. These people can make you feel like you're the bad guy instead and subtly push boundaries by making you feel like you should be better to them instead of vice versa. A true friend should be someone around whom you can be 100% yourself, with all your quirks and flaws included, who respects you if you need to take a step back.
#25
They don't tell you things and you dismiss it as they're a private person or whatever and then you find out later that they've known something for ages that if they'd cared to share it you could have avoided some fairly painful stuff.
#27
When someone is more respectful towards strangers and other people than the people they are with.
#28
When they only make an effort when they’re single, and bring their partner to every meeting up when they’re taken.
#29
When you make positive life changes and they say things like “you didn’t used to be like that”
this is what a now ex friend said to me after I told her I had stopped drinking. I realized how much better I felt physically and mentally and loved that I was saving so much money. later in the convo she said we should go get bottomless mimosas...not to mention this friend was on the receiving end of some of my outbursts and said that her last birthday “was a disaster” when the only disastrous thing that happened was me storming out because I had reached my alcohol and social limit and was going to head out, and she tried to make me stay because everyone was Sharing Uber’s home within the hour. It was already past midnight.
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