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Woman Shocked After Finding Out Her Mom Is The Reason She Never Got To Live Her Dream
Getting to go to your top pick for university is a dream come true. And while many (if not most) of you probably expect your loved ones to support your ambitions, this doesn’t always happen the way you imagined. Unfortunately, some parents have such a hard time letting go of you that they might end up hurting you out of love.
Internet user u/carlinha1289 opened up to the TwoXChromosomes online community about some incredibly sensitive information she uncovered. She was stunned to learn that her mom may have sabotaged her university applications abroad in order to keep her closer to home. Keep scrolling for the full story, including an important update from the author herself.
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Studying abroad is a dream for many young adults. However, some parents have an incredibly hard time letting go of their kids
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
One woman opened up about how she found out that her overprotective mom subtly sabotaged her dreams of going to university in Europe
Image credits: Yaroslav Shuraev / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Nataliya Vaitkevich / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Agung Pratama / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Here are the messages between the author and her sister about the shocking revelation about their mom
Image credits: carlinha1289
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: carlinha1289
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The goal of every parent should be to raise confident, independent, skilled, and capable kids. Micromanagement, hovering, and helicopter parenting do the opposite
A parent’s love for their children can be a wonderful thing. But when taken too far, it can turn into suffocating pressure, micromanagement, decreased independence, and over-the-top influence in their lives.
That’s all to say that, sometimes, the things that family members do out of love aren’t always in your best interest. Even if the parental drive to protect is understandable, your loved ones should want you to thrive, learn new skills, and grow as an individual.
And that often means putting yourself in new, uncomfortable situations that force you to fail and adapt. But failure is a core part of life. That’s how you build confidence and develop the skills and independence you need to succeed in adult life.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. It can be incredibly tough for parents to watch their kids grow up and move out, let alone move abroad for their studies.
As Forbes points out, no matter how prepared you think you are as a parent, the separation from your children as they head off to university will be hard.
“Sit down and have a conversation with your student in which you enthusiastically acknowledge that a big shift is underway. Indicate that you want to support both them and you in succeeding at it. The main aspects of the transition are greater responsibility and independence for the student and less information and onus on the part of the parent,” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of ‘How to Raise an Adult’ and ‘Your Turn: How to Be an Adult.’
According to her, you should ask your child about the things they want to learn from you so they can then handle them themselves. For instance, you could teach them the basics of making appointments, buying things at the store, refilling medications, filling out forms, organizing travel arrangements, tracking deadlines, doing chores at home, etc.
In short, focus on the essentials that every functioning grown-up needs to know. Your goal ought to be teaching your child how to do these things alongside them, rather than solving all of their problems for them immediately. In other words, you’re supportive, but not a micromanager.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Trust lies at the core of these questions. Your kids need to know that you have faith in them to (try to) do things on their own
Meanwhile, Fran’Cee Brown-McClure, Ph.D., the Vice President of Student Affairs at Jackson State University, told Forbes that parents can help their kids make the transition into university students early.
For instance, while they’re still in high school, you can teach them to embrace small amounts of freedom. This will help you gauge how they handle themselves in different situations. Whether that’s cooking at home or advocating for themselves in school.
“This will go a long way and provide you with an opportunity to process and discuss while things are happening. Parents trust your students. You have raised them for 17-18 years and you have given them good information and experiences. Trust them to get it right, to make mistakes, and to learn along the way. Then trust the institution that you’re sending them to, to support them in their collegiate experience,” Brown-McClure stresses.
According to psychotherapist Lynn Lyons, LICSW, parents ought to do more listening and less lecturing once their kids start college. “Once students head out, parents must make room for their kids to connect to their college life. I had one parent require a daily conversation with her daughter while away at school. This impaired the student from making a healthy movement toward independence,” she states.
“Trust that you’ve given your young adult the skills needed to handle this new phase. If you haven’t, it’s too late to start teaching now, so be supportive and get to work earlier with the younger siblings.”
Image credits: Federica Giacomazzi / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Mistakes are a natural part of life and are unavoidable. Instead of trying to shield your children from all possible stress, teach them to tackle their challenges well
According to psychology professor Nancy Darling, Ph.D., from Oberlin College, the goal is to help students grow with support into developing adulting skills and learning confidence through mistakes.
“Toddlers fall when they learn to walk. Then they get back up again, try new strategies, build new muscles, and make more mistakes. If we never let go of their hands and let them fall, they never learn and never have that glorious excited joy of running into our arms,” Darling writes in a piece on Psychology Today about the dangers of parental micromanagement.
“Hovering over young adults making big decisions about courses, friends, and activities communicates something important: that they are not capable of doing this on their own. That we care, but that we don’t trust them. How can they have faith in themselves if we don’t have faith in them?” She states that students ought to live in the moment and learn their new environment instead of having to constantly think about their parents.
What are your thoughts, dear Pandas? How would you handle the revelation that someone you love actually sabotaged your academic dreams? Did your parents have a hard time letting you go to college? If so, how did you all handle the change? What advice would you give to anyone who’s a new student to help them thrive? What do you think parents can do to support their students? Let us know what you think in the comments below.
As the story started getting more and more attention, the author shared more context in the comments
Here’s how the internet reacted as they read all about the woman’s family drama
Some readers had similar experiences of their own that they wanted to share. Here are their life stories
Later, the woman shared an update about how she began taking steps to confront her mother
Image credits: Gabriel Ponton / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: carlinha1289
After reading the update, here’s how some netizens reacted to the new information
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
If OP thinks this is the only harmful manipulation that her mother and sister engage in, she's an idiot. They will be constantly engaging in the same type of thing, just most don't leave a paper trail. OP needs to start distancing herself from them asap. Get into therapy.
Ms.GB 2 months ago
That type of thing should be illegal. Imagine how badly a parent doing something like this could damage a person's future.
Load More Replies...
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
OP's wrong about one thing: her mother IS a horrible human being. No good/kind parent deliberately sabotages their child's opportunities, especially when they know that those opportunities are something that their child desperately, passionately wants (like studying at a university in Europe.) All the stuff that OP's mom is doing now, being Awesome Grandma, is because that makes mom feel good. It's not because she actually cares about OP. Being Awesome Grandma makes her feel good and is good for her self-image of herself. That's IT. She IS a horrible human being. What OP's mom did wasn't a "mistake". Every single action OP's mom took was deliberate and planned. And, of course, now that OP's sister is abroad, OP will be the de facto caregiver for her parents when/if they need care. I hope she tells her mom to pound sand and enjoy her elder care facility; if OP truly thinks her dad wasn't involved, then she can be there for him.
Janissary35680 2 months ago
Yes, "Enjoy your isolated and lonely old age, Mom."
Load More Replies...
Earonn - 2 months ago
OP really works hard to tell herself that all will be nice and lovely. IMHO she's afraid to be without mommy and big sis. Rather live with people who ruined the life she wanted and decided to build for herself than being without them. Can't blame her, she was probably brought up to feel like that. But agree with others: does OP really think that was the only occasion? Or that it will stop?
Drop Bear from Hell 2 months ago
Nope nope nope - if it were me I'd happily consider myself an orphan (except for her father - he sounds ok). There is NO excuse they could give that would satisfy me. But then I hold grudges.....
Lee Gilliland 2 months ago
There is no excuse, Narcs don't think in those terms.
Load More Replies...
Sofia 2 months ago
Just wondering how some people thinks... You permanently damage someone's menthal health and your relation with them for?
Lee Gilliland 2 months ago
Dependency, ego-boo, feelings of power and omnipotence, control over your world (WWII created a LOT of narcissist, especially in the minor officer ranks), a settled personal world..... your choice.
Load More Replies...
person (i think) 2 months ago
Someone I know has this happen. The mom good the acceptance letters so the daughter works be around to babysit for a few more years. It put that person on a very bad path in life :(
Asri 2 months ago
Something similar happened to me, although nowhere near as serious. My parents were divorced and my father did not have custody and lived out of state. Dad made really good money. I applied to multiple top universities, had my choice of really large scholarships. I never even mentioned money. One day he says he'll help but ONLY if I go to the local (meh) college he picked AND lived with him AND majored in what he told me to. I basically told him to p**s off. Not for just that incident, for a lot manipulation, has led to me not speaking to him for 30 years.
SlothyK8 2 months ago
I have a similar story: I applied for admission to a prestigious liberal arts college that required freshmen to live on campus for their first year. My evangelical mother didn't want me to go to college at ALL, much less live away from home. But unlike OP, my mother made sure the school rejected my application while standing right in front of me. She told the admissions counselor that the school was a "dump" & that her precious daughter wouldn't be attending. Later, after I applied to & was accepted by a state school, she refused to sign my financial aid paperwork. We were low enough income that at the time I probably would have had 80+% of my tuition paid by the state. Instead, I got a job. When my father lost his job at the beginning of my junior year, I began working full time to pay their bills & my tuition. It was too much and, since I couldn't NOT work full time, I dropped out. I returned to school in February & will be FINALLY getting my bachelor's degree in March!
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
If OP thinks this is the only harmful manipulation that her mother and sister engage in, she's an idiot. They will be constantly engaging in the same type of thing, just most don't leave a paper trail. OP needs to start distancing herself from them asap. Get into therapy.
Ms.GB 2 months ago
That type of thing should be illegal. Imagine how badly a parent doing something like this could damage a person's future.
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 months ago
OP's wrong about one thing: her mother IS a horrible human being. No good/kind parent deliberately sabotages their child's opportunities, especially when they know that those opportunities are something that their child desperately, passionately wants (like studying at a university in Europe.) All the stuff that OP's mom is doing now, being Awesome Grandma, is because that makes mom feel good. It's not because she actually cares about OP. Being Awesome Grandma makes her feel good and is good for her self-image of herself. That's IT. She IS a horrible human being. What OP's mom did wasn't a "mistake". Every single action OP's mom took was deliberate and planned. And, of course, now that OP's sister is abroad, OP will be the de facto caregiver for her parents when/if they need care. I hope she tells her mom to pound sand and enjoy her elder care facility; if OP truly thinks her dad wasn't involved, then she can be there for him.
Janissary35680 2 months ago
Yes, "Enjoy your isolated and lonely old age, Mom."
Load More Replies... Earonn - 2 months ago
OP really works hard to tell herself that all will be nice and lovely. IMHO she's afraid to be without mommy and big sis. Rather live with people who ruined the life she wanted and decided to build for herself than being without them. Can't blame her, she was probably brought up to feel like that. But agree with others: does OP really think that was the only occasion? Or that it will stop?
Drop Bear from Hell 2 months ago
Nope nope nope - if it were me I'd happily consider myself an orphan (except for her father - he sounds ok). There is NO excuse they could give that would satisfy me. But then I hold grudges.....
Lee Gilliland 2 months ago
There is no excuse, Narcs don't think in those terms.
Load More Replies... Sofia 2 months ago
Just wondering how some people thinks... You permanently damage someone's menthal health and your relation with them for?
Lee Gilliland 2 months ago
Dependency, ego-boo, feelings of power and omnipotence, control over your world (WWII created a LOT of narcissist, especially in the minor officer ranks), a settled personal world..... your choice.
Load More Replies... person (i think) 2 months ago
Someone I know has this happen. The mom good the acceptance letters so the daughter works be around to babysit for a few more years. It put that person on a very bad path in life :(
Asri 2 months ago
Something similar happened to me, although nowhere near as serious. My parents were divorced and my father did not have custody and lived out of state. Dad made really good money. I applied to multiple top universities, had my choice of really large scholarships. I never even mentioned money. One day he says he'll help but ONLY if I go to the local (meh) college he picked AND lived with him AND majored in what he told me to. I basically told him to p**s off. Not for just that incident, for a lot manipulation, has led to me not speaking to him for 30 years.
SlothyK8 2 months ago
I have a similar story: I applied for admission to a prestigious liberal arts college that required freshmen to live on campus for their first year. My evangelical mother didn't want me to go to college at ALL, much less live away from home. But unlike OP, my mother made sure the school rejected my application while standing right in front of me. She told the admissions counselor that the school was a "dump" & that her precious daughter wouldn't be attending. Later, after I applied to & was accepted by a state school, she refused to sign my financial aid paperwork. We were low enough income that at the time I probably would have had 80+% of my tuition paid by the state. Instead, I got a job. When my father lost his job at the beginning of my junior year, I began working full time to pay their bills & my tuition. It was too much and, since I couldn't NOT work full time, I dropped out. I returned to school in February & will be FINALLY getting my bachelor's degree in March!
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