Every parent who adopts a child hopes to love them as their own biological kids. However, some folks struggle very much to connect to their adopted children. So much so that they feel extremely guilty about this. Some take to internet forums to share their honest and unfiltered thoughts and to ask for support.
An anonymous woman turned to the r/Adoption online community for help after revealing her true feelings about her adopted daughter. She revealed that she ‘regrets’ adopting her and never felt like she was her own child. Read on for the sensitive story and discussion.
Some parents can have trouble connecting with their adopted children at first
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)
One anonymous mom turned to the internet for support because she feels like she loves her biological kids more than her adopted daughter
Image credits: GeorgeRudy / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwaway548219573
It’s important to be honest about how we feel, even if doing so is uncomfortable
The OP explained that she feels very guilty about her true feelings. She pointed out that even though she loves her adoptive daughter “to pieces,” she still loves her biological children more.
“I hate myself for it since I promised her parents I’d love her no different and I feel like I’ve let everyone down,” she writes.
A large part of living an authentic life comes down to accepting our feelings for what they are. We have to be willing to embrace our emotions and thoughts even if they feel very uncomfortable. Running away or hiding from the truth is unhealthy.
That being said, we also have to realize the impermanent and subjective nature of our feelings. At times, they may offer us an accurate representation of how we interpret our environments. Other times, they might be more akin to temporary opinions that may be exaggerated interpretations of reality.
With that in mind, we should accept how we feel while understanding that our feelings can change a lot over time. For example, a parent who struggles to connect with their adopted children, given enough effort and time, might find that they finally love them as if they were their biological kids.
That’s far easier said than done. Adoption is a very sensitive issue, and it is difficult to be candid about one’s true feelings out of fear of being judged.
This is why some parents create throwaway accounts and take to anonymous forums to ask for advice—they know that they can be honest without others being too harsh on them. Others simply want to vent or need a kind word or two to get past a tough moment in their lives.
Some adopted children can also have trouble connecting with their new families
Psychology Today explains that older children who are adopted may have experienced trauma or neglect in their lives if they have lived in foster care, an orphanage, or with another family for a long period of time. They may have abandonment or trust issues.
Because of this, they may be distrustful of all adults. This, in turn, leads to difficulties connecting with their adoptive families. However, other children who are scared of abandonment may be far too trusting of all adults.
“Parents should make an effort to learn as much as possible about their child’s history before the adoption, in order to better prepare themselves for their child’s specific needs. In cases where this is not possible, educating themselves about trauma, childhood mental health, and the possible effects of foster or institutionalized care can help parents get a better sense of what to expect,” Psychology Today writes.
However, many adopted children eventually bond with their families, though this can take a long time and may require the help of professional counselors. Trust and love can be built. However, at times, this process is very slow.
If this pace is slower, some parents or children can find the whole situation very emotionally demanding.
Psychology Today also warns that some adoptive parents may suffer from so-called post-adoption depression. This is similar to postpartum depression.
“Parents may question their own legitimacy as a parent, for instance, or worry that they will not bond with their child; these feelings can contribute to symptoms like sadness, lethargy, sleeplessness, anxiety, or guilt.”
The author clarified a few things and shared more context in the comments
Here’s what some readers had to say after going through the mom’s candid post
People from other corners of the internet shared their own reactions
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Under no circumstances should the blame be put entirely on this woman. This is a systemic problem and should be dealt with as such (that doesn't mean the mother should tell the adoptive child how she feels about her). We do not know if the mother has mental health issues or not. Just because you can love a non- biological child as your own does not mean everybody else can form such a bond, even with the best intentions. This issue is not as uncommon as one might think and potential adoptive parents should be made aware of it. I know of several cases in my environment (adoption and permanent foster care) where the child needed to leave the family for the sake of everyone involved because the family system was so dysfunctional. This was NOBODYS fault. Those children come with issues, even when they are very young - being given up by or taken away from your bio parents does something to you. It takes more commitment, energy and love to raise them. Do not judge.
As far as I care, as long as she starts looking for help to atleast healthily communicate and manage her feelings NOW, before she keeps bottling up this resentment untill it will inevitably be taken out on her daughter, she's done nothing wrong. She cant help hee emotions. She can make sure to regulate them to ensure it does define theur realationship.
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What the eff?! They didn't tell their daughter about her adoption until she was 11?! This should have been part of her journey from birth onwards, to help develop her sense of self-identity. What a shock that must have been (though perhaps it explained a lot about why mum is the way she is). These parents should not have adopted until they had counselling about the reasons for wanting to adopt. My daughter was adopted at 14 months, and I have a good relationship with her. Sometimes there's a joke in my direction saying how she's glad she didn't inherit certain aspects from me. You know what, I'm glad she's not my biological child because she needed her birth mother and father to be the unique, wonderful person she is, and she wouldn't be that person if she was biologically ours. As a child she sometimes wished I had been her 'tummy mummy' and I reminded her she needed her birth parents to be her.
Sounds like your daughter has a wonderful Mum in you. However, please note not everyone is the same. My Dad found out when he was 11 that he's adopted and in many ways it brought him and his parents closer, and he's said he wouldn't have wanted it to have unfolded any other way.
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I hope her adopted daughter doesn't read this on reddit. It would be pretty clear to her that the post is about her.
I think it's more likely that somebody out there coincidentally matches all the details and *thinks* it's about them when it's not. Which honestly would be just as tragic.
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I can’t believe someone really asked if she could give the child back in the comments on her post. Everyone is acting like this is a pet. This woman shouldn’t of posted online and asked strangers for advice. She needs to go somewhere and talk about this privately where her adopted daughter can never see it. That poor child.
No, not like a pet: like a shared-custody situation.
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I'm that daughter. I can't express the pain of growing up with a mother who had two "perfect biological daughters". She says she treated them equally. I unequivocally doubt that. Your psycho babble means nothing if you haven't personally lived an entire lifetime of it. She was the adult. I was a little child.
I have two genetic children followed by two non genetic. In no way has the love been less for any of them and of the hundreds of parents in my groups that also has a mix of genentics many has been worried before the child arrives but noone has regretted it and bonding is the same. She needs help and that should have been done right away. Poor kid! Glad the dad is normal.
Seriously? "She needs help"? She's no abusive, she's not neglectful, she's not actively treating the kid any differently, she's acknowledging her feelings. This idiotic narrative that "parenthood is the most rewarding, enriching, meaningful and important thing that ANYONE can ever do" doesn't actually help anyone. It's simply not true, and it's nothing more than a transparent attempt to virtue signal moral superiority. Kids, even your own, are still people, and not all people get along let alone connect....and whether you precious parents want to admit it or not, you all have a "favorite" just like that kid has a favorite parent. Doesn't mean you don't love them the same, but it does mean that you have a more significant connection with one of them.
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I've got no respect for people like this. "I dont treat her any differently" I call BS on that. I was in a household like this. My dad remarried and my step mom had 4 kids before hand and they had 2 together. I was one of 7 and I can tell you, I was treated very differently from the bio kids. Also, dont post this s**t online! She's going to see it and then what? This woman needs major help
I'm sorry about what happened to you, but it sounds like you projected your issue all over this one even though the dynamics are different
Load More Replies... That sucks but think about how many children out there are abused, abandoned, hated and hurt. So she doesn’t love the adopted daughter as much. That’s less than ideal but she does love her on some level. And the husband sees the adopted child the same as the biological children. The adopted child probably has money, attention, time, affection and all of that. The mom might feel less of a connection and that isn’t great but at the same time, we’re talking about a very well cared for kid with all the opportunity in the world. When she could have otherwise been at a major disadvantage. It really isn’t that bad. Also consider there’s people like me who’s biological mother walked out on me at age 9-10-ish. She never liked me and she gave birth to me. Like it really could be so much worse. And the mom seems conscientious enough to not let the kid know that she’s seen as different. I mean honestly she IS different. And that really really is okay. Everyone’s family is different or has issues.
The argument that some kids have it worse is so tired... And nothing in that *post says that she doesn't take out her feelings on her daughter. She actually says that she HATES her. "It really isn't that bad" sometimes ends very tragically and it shouldn't be used as an answer to anyone expressing concerns about their life. Ever. EVER. All of this is a matter of perception. To a kid with a perfect life, one bump in the road can derail the rest of their life. Another kid with a perfect life maybe hurdle over that bump because they've been taught or figured out how to deal with difficulties in a healthy way. YOU don't get to say what is and isn't worse. *Edit: Nothing in this post indicates to ME that we should believe her perception of her equal treatment of the children
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Keep it off Big Social. Get professional help. CCP Tik Tok or Reddit this time ?
Why are people assuming that the daughter doesn't already know how the mum feels? Why do you think she is so close to her father? My cousin was adopted. Her and a little boy at the same time. They weren't related. My aunt adored her son, to the point of obsession, but had no time whatsoever for her daughter. All her life she'd be criticised by her mother and told that if she didn't behave she would be 'sent back' Although it seems the OP hasn't behaved quite that badly, you can tell all too well when a parent doesn't love you as much as their other children. I don't know what the answer is here, but my sympathy is entirely with the adopted child. 'Mom' has had plenty of time to seek therapy for how she feels. I can't feel any sympathy for a woman who treats any child the way she has and especially one so clueless that she doesn't think the girl knows about it.
You can't help it if you don't automatically fall in love with an adopted child (or a biological child, for that matter). The mom is not a horrible person, at all. She just happened not to feel those feelings, she didn't choose for that. She should however ask for psychological help with this situation, and she should actually have already done that years ago. A therapist might have exercises to make her bond more with the child. Also, a therapist can help look at any underlying reasons for not loving her child that much, and might be able to help heal those underlying problems, which might automatically take away (part) of the resentment and distance she feels to her daughter.
Perfectly normal to not feel a connection with your bio children, never mind the ones you've adopted. As long as the child doesn't know and you're taking care of them.... Perfectly valid feelings. I agree with the therapy though, and letting the adopted child reach out to her bio parents.
As long as the adopted daughter is treated the exact same as her siblings, given a warm bed, good food, her own possessions, good education & is showered with affection all the same; this mother has no reason to blame herself. I do hope her adoptive daughter doesn’t find out the true feelings of her mother, as it will shatter her world to know it. If this is something that mom can keep from her daughter, whilst maybe considering private therapy for herself, that’s probably the best way to go about it. As long as the child is still in a caring environment & is happy, that’s what truly matters. 🥺💖
I have 2 adopted children and no bios. Most of my friends when the kids were growing up also had adopted children because we were all in an adoption support group. FIRST, the pets who made the comment that people with bio children should never adopt is ABSOLUTELY WRONG. What an entitled opinion! But with adoption, there’s the ones you click with right away, and other children where it takes a while. It bothers me that OP says she lives her to death and also hated (hates?) her. How horrible for this teenager. Mom definitely needs therapy. Thank goodness for dad. And thank goodness this is very likely a piece of fiction.
Sorry, I couldn't make it past the first paragraph. Didn't want to go through the time and expense of her first pregnancy? My sister adopted 2 children and it was nothing but time and expense.
I that don’t have children myself but i can understand that. People seem to forget how much of our human brain that is hardwired, evolution in those departments move more slowly then our technological progress. Our brains are basically the same they were 50.000 years ago. If you magically could go back in time and steal a baby and bring back you could go back like 50.000 years, and no one would ever know the difference. We just as any creature on this earth have strong hardwiring to pass our genes on, which you obviously don’t do with an adoptive child.
There was a time when I had visions and dreams about having children. I would love and protect them and they would be perfect and happy. We would have a house with a garden and lemontrees somewhere. Ocean nearby. I no longer have this desire and the dreams are gone because I am scared that I will fuc* them up! Who am I to think I'll be a great parent? Who am I to think my mother's exceptionally lousy genes won't transfer to my children? Not taking that chance. I am also not adopting.
This is just sad and sorry but that kid knows they always do that first or second year she didn't feel anything for her she should've done the right thing and gave her up for adoption or found another family for her or something. Because like I said earlier it's really sad but the kid knows Dad loves her and Mom doesn't for whatever reason
Sorry Margaret but nowhere does it say the adopted daughter feels rejectd. Nowhere does it say she doesn't feel loved by both her parents. Stop assuming things.
Did I miss a post by the adopted daughter where she said these things? Of course she knows how her mother feels about her.
Load More Replies... Under no circumstances should the blame be put entirely on this woman. This is a systemic problem and should be dealt with as such (that doesn't mean the mother should tell the adoptive child how she feels about her). We do not know if the mother has mental health issues or not. Just because you can love a non- biological child as your own does not mean everybody else can form such a bond, even with the best intentions. This issue is not as uncommon as one might think and potential adoptive parents should be made aware of it. I know of several cases in my environment (adoption and permanent foster care) where the child needed to leave the family for the sake of everyone involved because the family system was so dysfunctional. This was NOBODYS fault. Those children come with issues, even when they are very young - being given up by or taken away from your bio parents does something to you. It takes more commitment, energy and love to raise them. Do not judge.
As far as I care, as long as she starts looking for help to atleast healthily communicate and manage her feelings NOW, before she keeps bottling up this resentment untill it will inevitably be taken out on her daughter, she's done nothing wrong. She cant help hee emotions. She can make sure to regulate them to ensure it does define theur realationship.
Load More Replies... What the eff?! They didn't tell their daughter about her adoption until she was 11?! This should have been part of her journey from birth onwards, to help develop her sense of self-identity. What a shock that must have been (though perhaps it explained a lot about why mum is the way she is). These parents should not have adopted until they had counselling about the reasons for wanting to adopt. My daughter was adopted at 14 months, and I have a good relationship with her. Sometimes there's a joke in my direction saying how she's glad she didn't inherit certain aspects from me. You know what, I'm glad she's not my biological child because she needed her birth mother and father to be the unique, wonderful person she is, and she wouldn't be that person if she was biologically ours. As a child she sometimes wished I had been her 'tummy mummy' and I reminded her she needed her birth parents to be her.
Sounds like your daughter has a wonderful Mum in you. However, please note not everyone is the same. My Dad found out when he was 11 that he's adopted and in many ways it brought him and his parents closer, and he's said he wouldn't have wanted it to have unfolded any other way.
Load More Replies... I hope her adopted daughter doesn't read this on reddit. It would be pretty clear to her that the post is about her.
I think it's more likely that somebody out there coincidentally matches all the details and *thinks* it's about them when it's not. Which honestly would be just as tragic.
Load More Replies... I can’t believe someone really asked if she could give the child back in the comments on her post. Everyone is acting like this is a pet. This woman shouldn’t of posted online and asked strangers for advice. She needs to go somewhere and talk about this privately where her adopted daughter can never see it. That poor child.
No, not like a pet: like a shared-custody situation.
Load More Replies... I'm that daughter. I can't express the pain of growing up with a mother who had two "perfect biological daughters". She says she treated them equally. I unequivocally doubt that. Your psycho babble means nothing if you haven't personally lived an entire lifetime of it. She was the adult. I was a little child.
I have two genetic children followed by two non genetic. In no way has the love been less for any of them and of the hundreds of parents in my groups that also has a mix of genentics many has been worried before the child arrives but noone has regretted it and bonding is the same. She needs help and that should have been done right away. Poor kid! Glad the dad is normal.
Seriously? "She needs help"? She's no abusive, she's not neglectful, she's not actively treating the kid any differently, she's acknowledging her feelings. This idiotic narrative that "parenthood is the most rewarding, enriching, meaningful and important thing that ANYONE can ever do" doesn't actually help anyone. It's simply not true, and it's nothing more than a transparent attempt to virtue signal moral superiority. Kids, even your own, are still people, and not all people get along let alone connect....and whether you precious parents want to admit it or not, you all have a "favorite" just like that kid has a favorite parent. Doesn't mean you don't love them the same, but it does mean that you have a more significant connection with one of them.
Load More Replies... I've got no respect for people like this. "I dont treat her any differently" I call BS on that. I was in a household like this. My dad remarried and my step mom had 4 kids before hand and they had 2 together. I was one of 7 and I can tell you, I was treated very differently from the bio kids. Also, dont post this s**t online! She's going to see it and then what? This woman needs major help
I'm sorry about what happened to you, but it sounds like you projected your issue all over this one even though the dynamics are different
Load More Replies... That sucks but think about how many children out there are abused, abandoned, hated and hurt. So she doesn’t love the adopted daughter as much. That’s less than ideal but she does love her on some level. And the husband sees the adopted child the same as the biological children. The adopted child probably has money, attention, time, affection and all of that. The mom might feel less of a connection and that isn’t great but at the same time, we’re talking about a very well cared for kid with all the opportunity in the world. When she could have otherwise been at a major disadvantage. It really isn’t that bad. Also consider there’s people like me who’s biological mother walked out on me at age 9-10-ish. She never liked me and she gave birth to me. Like it really could be so much worse. And the mom seems conscientious enough to not let the kid know that she’s seen as different. I mean honestly she IS different. And that really really is okay. Everyone’s family is different or has issues.
The argument that some kids have it worse is so tired... And nothing in that *post says that she doesn't take out her feelings on her daughter. She actually says that she HATES her. "It really isn't that bad" sometimes ends very tragically and it shouldn't be used as an answer to anyone expressing concerns about their life. Ever. EVER. All of this is a matter of perception. To a kid with a perfect life, one bump in the road can derail the rest of their life. Another kid with a perfect life maybe hurdle over that bump because they've been taught or figured out how to deal with difficulties in a healthy way. YOU don't get to say what is and isn't worse. *Edit: Nothing in this post indicates to ME that we should believe her perception of her equal treatment of the children
Load More Replies... Keep it off Big Social. Get professional help. CCP Tik Tok or Reddit this time ?
Why are people assuming that the daughter doesn't already know how the mum feels? Why do you think she is so close to her father? My cousin was adopted. Her and a little boy at the same time. They weren't related. My aunt adored her son, to the point of obsession, but had no time whatsoever for her daughter. All her life she'd be criticised by her mother and told that if she didn't behave she would be 'sent back' Although it seems the OP hasn't behaved quite that badly, you can tell all too well when a parent doesn't love you as much as their other children. I don't know what the answer is here, but my sympathy is entirely with the adopted child. 'Mom' has had plenty of time to seek therapy for how she feels. I can't feel any sympathy for a woman who treats any child the way she has and especially one so clueless that she doesn't think the girl knows about it.
You can't help it if you don't automatically fall in love with an adopted child (or a biological child, for that matter). The mom is not a horrible person, at all. She just happened not to feel those feelings, she didn't choose for that. She should however ask for psychological help with this situation, and she should actually have already done that years ago. A therapist might have exercises to make her bond more with the child. Also, a therapist can help look at any underlying reasons for not loving her child that much, and might be able to help heal those underlying problems, which might automatically take away (part) of the resentment and distance she feels to her daughter.
Perfectly normal to not feel a connection with your bio children, never mind the ones you've adopted. As long as the child doesn't know and you're taking care of them.... Perfectly valid feelings. I agree with the therapy though, and letting the adopted child reach out to her bio parents.
As long as the adopted daughter is treated the exact same as her siblings, given a warm bed, good food, her own possessions, good education & is showered with affection all the same; this mother has no reason to blame herself. I do hope her adoptive daughter doesn’t find out the true feelings of her mother, as it will shatter her world to know it. If this is something that mom can keep from her daughter, whilst maybe considering private therapy for herself, that’s probably the best way to go about it. As long as the child is still in a caring environment & is happy, that’s what truly matters. 🥺💖
I have 2 adopted children and no bios. Most of my friends when the kids were growing up also had adopted children because we were all in an adoption support group. FIRST, the pets who made the comment that people with bio children should never adopt is ABSOLUTELY WRONG. What an entitled opinion! But with adoption, there’s the ones you click with right away, and other children where it takes a while. It bothers me that OP says she lives her to death and also hated (hates?) her. How horrible for this teenager. Mom definitely needs therapy. Thank goodness for dad. And thank goodness this is very likely a piece of fiction.
Sorry, I couldn't make it past the first paragraph. Didn't want to go through the time and expense of her first pregnancy? My sister adopted 2 children and it was nothing but time and expense.
I that don’t have children myself but i can understand that. People seem to forget how much of our human brain that is hardwired, evolution in those departments move more slowly then our technological progress. Our brains are basically the same they were 50.000 years ago. If you magically could go back in time and steal a baby and bring back you could go back like 50.000 years, and no one would ever know the difference. We just as any creature on this earth have strong hardwiring to pass our genes on, which you obviously don’t do with an adoptive child.
There was a time when I had visions and dreams about having children. I would love and protect them and they would be perfect and happy. We would have a house with a garden and lemontrees somewhere. Ocean nearby. I no longer have this desire and the dreams are gone because I am scared that I will fuc* them up! Who am I to think I'll be a great parent? Who am I to think my mother's exceptionally lousy genes won't transfer to my children? Not taking that chance. I am also not adopting.
This is just sad and sorry but that kid knows they always do that first or second year she didn't feel anything for her she should've done the right thing and gave her up for adoption or found another family for her or something. Because like I said earlier it's really sad but the kid knows Dad loves her and Mom doesn't for whatever reason
Sorry Margaret but nowhere does it say the adopted daughter feels rejectd. Nowhere does it say she doesn't feel loved by both her parents. Stop assuming things.
Did I miss a post by the adopted daughter where she said these things? Of course she knows how her mother feels about her.
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