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It’s time to de-stress as a mom with these 59 hilariously accurate jokes.
Dads may be counted on for a few groan-worthy puns and corny one-liners, but moms are the ones to throw the funniest (sometimes the most brutal) jokes.
From quick one-liners and witty comebacks to longer stories and famous comedian quips, we’ve compiled the ultimate list of fresh mom jokes that prove mothers are the family’s most committed jokesters.
Let’s vote for the best mom jokes with humor only parents (and brave kids) will truly understand.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was cold.
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#3
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet and my husband is already there hiding out from me.
Uncle Panda 1 month ago
I was walking down the door aisle at Home Depot when, for no identifiable reason, I snatched open a door. Behind it I found a HD employee just standing there. Before the shame could set in for either of us, I looked at my feet, closed the door, and shambled away. He stayed put.
#4
I never understood why some animals eat their young until I became a mother of a teenager.
#5
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”
She said, “What's that got to do with anything?”
I said, “That means it's pasture bedtime.”
#6
The quickest way to get my kids’ attention is to lie down on the couch. They’ll sense your comfort and abort the mission.
#7
My favorite motherhood hack is when I carefully put something important away and never find it again.
#8
“I’m not a regular Mom. I’m a ‘YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!’ Mom.”
#9
“Thanks for your great advice on how I should raise my children,” said no mom ever.
#10
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
— Phyllis Diller
#11
Raising teens is funny because they demand privacy and independence, yet also be like, “Can you give me $40?”
#13
Parenting is buying four bananas and watching them all get eaten in one day.
Then, buying eight bananas and watching them rot on the counter because “no one wants to eat them.”
#14
My daughter asked why she can’t quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.
My sweet, sweet child looked me in the eye and said, “I’ll visit you.”
#15
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your kid does not need another cute outfit.
Mama. You need new underwear.
#16
My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it, saying, “mmmm, it’s so good.”
She said, “You didn’t take it out of the box.”
Uncle Panda 1 month ago (edited)
Participating in an exercise at a conference, I obediently imagined trying to put a giraffe into a mini fridge - after clearing out some of the items to make room. A few minutes later, the speaker said, "Now put an elephant in the refrigerator." I'm quietly pantomiming way in the back but apparently she was ready to spot the one person out of 500 or so who thought to take the giraffe out of the fridge first.
#17
Son: Why are there only dad jokes and no mom jokes?
Mom: Who told you there are no mom jokes?
Son: There are?
Mom: Yep, just look in the mirror.
#18
Mothers’ favorite lines (not in chronological order):
Shut the door.
Let me finish my coffee.
It’s wherever you left it.
I said, “Get your shoes on!”
You’re not hungry, you’re bored.
I saw that.
Other user 1 month ago
My mom used to say when I told her I was hungry " eat fruit". My thoughts always was, "fruit is not food".
#19
5-Year-old daughter: Mom, why is some of your hair white?
Me: (Smiles) Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white.
Daughter: Wow, Mom, what did you do to Grandma?
#20
“My mom has four kids. I tried complaining to her about it [pregnancy].”
“She goes, ‘Rosie, pregnancy is not a disability.’”
“I was like, ‘Well, if it's not a disability, why do I sh*t my pants when I tie my shoes? If that's not a disability, it's a new ability. I know that. Couldn't do that before.’”
― Rosebud Baker
#21
Hey, son, did you hear that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer?
#22
I see all these Instagram moms who can do everything, and I think, “I should have them do some stuff for me…”
SchadenFreudian Psychology 1 month ago
🏆 If you don’t like the way I do it, I’ll concede to your superiority and let YOU do it.
#23
Being a mom means wholeheartedly searching for your kid’s chocolate bar that you just devoured last night.
#24
“Wow, are all four kids yours?”
No, Barbara, I like taking random kids in the store for fun.
#25
I just fired myself from cleaning my house.
I did not like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Daddy Facebook group: LOL!
#27
I told my 12-year-old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I came back and she was making crepes.
#28
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They possess an advanced “mom detector” that can find me wherever I try to hide.
#32
Okay, I think I’ve come full circle.
I have kids now, so suddenly I’m back to asking my parents if I’m allowed to go out with my friends — and the answer is still no.
#33
“Gave baby her first bath yesterday, she pooped in the tub and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hand. i keep telling her she’s not allowed to be a comedian, butt she’s clearly not listening.” — @ambercrollo
#34
Kids: Can we have chocolate cake for breakfast?
Mom: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is DAD eating cake for breakfast?
Dad: [mouth full of cake]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF.
#35
I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.” — @snarkymommy78
#36
“I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I thought that was about chillaxing, getting to sh*t in your own home, watch Wendy Williams, and go out to brunch with your sassy girlfriends.”
“I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is that you gotta be a mom. Oh, and that's a job. It's a whack-a*s job. You get no 401(k), no coworkers. You're just in solitary confinement all day long with this human tamagotchi that don't got no reset button!”
#38
At least they left you only heartbroken. Some of us were left with kids who look exactly like them.
#39
I love all my children equally, except the one who sleeps. I love that one more.
#40
What do you call a kid who listens to you the first time and does everything you ask for? Non-existent.
#41
Year 2025
Mom: I cooked pot roast today.
Kid: I don’t want that.
Mom: Well, what would you like me to make you, dear?
Year 1996
Mom: Y’all come and eat this roast beef.
Kid: I don’t want that.
Mom: Don’t eat then, you’re gonna be a dizzy bastard in about two hours, too.
KatWitch57 1 month ago
When my son first started going to other children's houses the mother would ask what does he eat, my reply; "everything I say he doesn't, and nothing I think he does".
#42
Toddler’s daily to-do list:
Get up before Jesus wakes the sun.
Be irrationally angry about everything.
Break everything in your way.
Yell.
Demand to be fed.
Watch mom completely lose her mind.
Stay calm for 36 seconds.
Afternoon of pure nonsense
Evening of absolute hell.
Bedtime routine created by the devil himself.
#43
“My son has been begging me for a snake for years.”
“I was like, ‘Look, Lucas, you're not getting a snake,’ and he was like, ‘Why?’”
“I said, ‘because I'm just not gonna let you be that white.’”
― Wanda Sykes
#44
“My baby child is in fourth grade now. When she went to kindergarten a few years back, that was going to be the first time that I was going to be by myself all day long from 8 to 3. All by myself.”
“I nearly greed myself to death. I thought, Lord, what am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky tonking.”
― Leanne Morgan
#45
My kids always accuse me of having a “favorite child,” which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
#46
The only times my kids want to poop is when we’re late, at the store, or as soon as my husband leaves the house.
#48
Please be kind to dentists; they have fillings too.
#50
“Something happened when I met Jax that I did not expect. My mom got a little jealous.”
“I remember if I would buy Jax something like a scarf, my mom would be like, ‘I like scarves.’ I'm like, ‘You're not my girlfriend.’”
― Fortune Feimster
#51
Mommy Facebook group: Why were you not watching him? Are your stairs not bubble wrapped? Are you not feeding your child organic home-grown food? Did you not douse your child with essential oils?
Another Panda 1 month ago
I doused him with essential oils, then watched helplessly as he proceeded to slip-slide down the bubble-wrapped stairs headfirst, all the while leaving a trail of organic home-grown food p*o behind him.
#52
My kids have two stomachs.
One is the meal stomach. It’s about the size of a pea, which is why they’re unable to consume a full breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
The second is the snack stomach. This one stretches infinitely in accordance with the amount of snacks consumed.
#53
“I didn’t know that being pregnant could be really hard… I didn’t know that because you b**ches all lie about it.”
― Amy Schumer
SchadenFreudian Psychology 1 month ago
Yes, everybody tells girls and women a lot of büllshit about pregnancy and motherhood. The only way to learn the truth is to marry a bit later than your friends do, and then watch what happens to them while you’re single.
#54
“If you’re thinking of having kids just know my daughter was sobbing inconsolably the other night because she realized she can never be half dog/half human.” — @KatieDeal99
#55
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your kid does not need another cute outfit.
Mama. You need new underwear.
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What do you think ?
Disgruntled Panda 1 month ago
Serious question: why can dad jokes be about anything but mum jokes have to be about their kids?
SchadenFreudian Psychology 1 month ago
Didn’t you know that women with children aren’t allowed to be interested in anything else? /s
Load More Replies...
weatherwitch 1 month ago
These were p**s poor. Women make får sassier wise cracks.. But these.... Dad jokes are about anything yet mum 'jokes' are limited just to their children or parenting...... 🙄 Let's have a dad's jokes one ONLY about children or parenting and see how s**t these are too. This should have been SO much better 🙄
Disgruntled Panda 1 month ago
Serious question: why can dad jokes be about anything but mum jokes have to be about their kids?
SchadenFreudian Psychology 1 month ago
Didn’t you know that women with children aren’t allowed to be interested in anything else? /s
Load More Replies... weatherwitch 1 month ago
These were p**s poor. Women make får sassier wise cracks.. But these.... Dad jokes are about anything yet mum 'jokes' are limited just to their children or parenting...... 🙄 Let's have a dad's jokes one ONLY about children or parenting and see how s**t these are too. This should have been SO much better 🙄
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