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Dad Is Livid After Realizing His Ex Only Spends A Fraction Of His Child Support Money On Their Son, She Turns To The Internet For Support
One single mom’s story on Reddit caused quite a bit of drama on the website. The mom, who goes by the throwaway Reddit name u/aitalivingcheaply, opened up to the AITA subreddit, an online community with nearly 3.2 million members, about how she uses (or rather doesn’t use) the “generous amount of child support” her ex sends to support their 4-year-old child each month.
The mom explained that she uses only a small fraction of the money on her son, putting the rest away for his future, preferring to live very frugally. Naturally, this caused some friction with her ex who believes all of the money should be spent on their son, instead of squirreling it away. You’ll find the full story below.
What do you think of the entire situation, dear Pandas? Do you think the mom was in the wrong here or do you think she had her child’s best interests in mind? Just remember, we shouldn’t be quick to judge anyone before getting to know the full context. Keep in mind that some redditors rushed to express their opinions without reading the author’s comments in full, so they had a slightly skewed view.
Parenting is extremely difficult and we can sometimes forget a simple truth—there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ parent, only striving to be the best possible parent for one’s children.
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A mom sparked a fiery discussion online when she shared what she does with most of her son’s child support that she gets from her ex
Image credits: Jonathan Cooper (not the actual photo)
Here is her full story that she shared on the AITA subreddit
The redditor’s post got quite a bit of attention, netting over 12.7k upvotes and getting nearly 4k comments. Members of the AITA community were very emotional when talking about this topic.
While most redditors decided that the mom was wrong to save a large chunk of her son’s child support, she also had a lot of supporters who pointed out that she wasn’t neglecting her kid or spending the money on herself. In their opinion, she simply had a different view about finances.
Bored Panda reached out to parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin to get her opinion about the idea that parents ought to strive to be ‘perfect.’ She was very clear that there’s no such thing and that it’s all an illusion that distracts us from what’s important: our daily effort for the sake of our kids. ‘Enough’ is better than ‘perfect’ because the latter is possible.
“Literally, no one is a perfect parent. What would a ‘perfect’ parent even look like? I believe it can be harmful to have over-the-top expectations of perfection for ourselves and other parents. We’re all just trying to figure it out as we go,” Samantha, the founder of the Walking Outside in Slippers blog, told Bored Panda that we should never be too quick to judge any parent.
“Even professional experts in the field of child-rearing or mental health have questions and doubts, I’ve come to find through talking with other parents,” Samantha said that far from everything is figured out, so there are no easy answers about what a parent should or should not do. It’s less about having a crystal-clear map of directions and more about sailing rough seas in the mist, guided by opinions and personal experience.
“Parenting as depicted on Instagram with the cute little letter boards is the literally and figuratively filtered version of parenthood, and not something anyone should attempt to attain,” the parenting blogger pointed out that we should take our social media feeds with a large grain of salt (preferably a whole fistful of it if we can), as it’s a snapshot, an attempt to appear ‘perfect’ without actually being it.
“Our daily grind and best effort have to be enough when it comes to parenting,” she said.
The story got a lot of different reactions from internet users. Here’s what some of them said
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Caro Caro 4 years ago
Hmmm, money aside, she is teaching her son some valuable lessons: You don't always have to spend the money you have. Toy shop: you get one toy. New hobby or sport: Let's see if you stick to it before indulging and buying all that stuff. Although the child's future is secure financially doesn't mean the child has to be spoiled. I do hope the money saved will go to the son and not the mother as that is payed for by the father.
Viviane 4 years ago
I like the idea of getting cheaper items when starting a hobby. My family had to watch their pennies, so that stayed with me. When I started hiking, my first boots were pretty cheap. Once I was certain I liked hiking, I got the durable high quality ones. It felt like a reward. I knew someone who bought top-of-the-line items right off the bat for himself and his family -- and some items were only used once. Genuinely nice guy, so it's sad that they managed to blow through his income and ended up broke. He grew up getting money whenever he asked it.
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Ivana 4 years ago
What the hell is with the responses? Child support does not mean you use it all to buy the kid whatever they want. It is to help support raising a child, including food, clothing, housing, etc. So if she can afford to support them both without the child support then yes, the extra money should go into savings. I don't think people realize what child support is for. It is not just to buy the kid things, it is to put towards everything that goes into raising a kid, including having a nest egg for emergencies. Good on her for saving the money. Also, kids love to be active, a good 25 minute walk sounds healthy and great for both the kid and mother.
Burs 4 years ago
Exactly. Including paying part of the rent, the food, the water and electricity… And to have savings in case she gets unemployed.
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lenka 4 years ago
Mum sounds like a practical and reasonable parent who wants to instill the value of things in her kid. Saving the money for a rainy day is not an arsehole move. Most people are only one unfortunate accident or illness away from poverty. A rainy day fund is prudent and wise. Dad sounds like a slightly spoilt kid who loves his son dearly and wants the best for him. Also not an arsehole. Parents need to have a chat about values, not money. Also... kid is only 4. Its not like his financial needs are huge at this age. Wait a few years til his extracurricular activities, social events, technology requirements increase. I am sure Mum will need all the child support she gets.
Sarah Spencer 4 years ago
To be fair it sounds like the ex is using his wealth as a way to control her life after the split. Child support is not just for buying stuff for the kiddo. It contributes to food, bills, household necessities. No parent should be justifying their spending to their ex, even where child support is a part of the funds. I am also an advocate of NOT spoiling them so much and handing out so much expensive tat they have no idea of the value of anything.
Hugo Raible 4 years ago
Of course he wants to take part in the upbringing of his child as well. And he should. Both of them are good people.
Load More Replies... Iggy 4 years ago (edited)
A child of four does not need expensive clothes. They grow out of clothes so quickly or else they wreck them playing, which is what kids are supposed to do. The walk home from school is no harm either. It allows mother and son quality time to chat. It all sounds quite normal to me. I know the father has said he had made provision for his son's future but the extra money will be handy if/when he goes to college.
BluEyedSeoulite 4 years ago
So true. I have a 4 to and my husband complains I don't buy her expensive, pretty clothes. Why? If it doesn't have spangles on it, she doesn't want it!
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Carol Emory 4 years ago
I actually feel she is doing the right thing. The ex won't be there forever. Even if he set money aside for the kid to be taken care of, that doesn't mean she will have access to it. She's teaching her son about not being wasteful...something that will help him use his money wisely when he does inherit from Dad. And I think it's smart of her to put the money aside for a "rainy day." Who says she won't be unemployed at some point? As far as a 25 minute walk with her son...I think that's good parenting in that it gives her some one on one time with her son where they can go over the days events. Sounds like she's raising a well rounded kid.
Brandon Marlowe 4 years ago
Exactly, Carol. Who knows what may happen? Dad could meet someone in a few years and start a second family. OP has no guarantee that the money he has put away for the son will still be there when the kid gets ready to go to college. She's smart to save for him and not be totally dependent on the father for her son's future.
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Jo Choto 4 years ago
At 4 years old, the child is learning nothing about budgeting or lessons. He's too young to have any notion of such things. The mother is choosing to live frugally. The child is not suffering. The father is giving a huge amount of money, but there's nothing stopping him actually buying the things he wants his son to have, and spending time with him showing him the lifestyle that he prefers. You can't just throw money at someone and then tell them how to parent. Sounds like he should do more parenting himself. Otherwise, the mother is doing fine. And for at least the next 14 years, anything she does with the money she saves will contribute to the child's life, no matter what she spends it on, a house, a car, a holiday. The kid lives with his mother and she takes care of him. It's not like she's going to the islands without him on the child support!
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
When you have a father who is used to getting whatever, and a mother who is used to scrimping a bit... the kid will be better off thinking that it's best to save than to spend, as long as his needs are met, and if they live where a car is *not necessary*, then why get one? Just don't like that she says "rainy day" as if she's saving for herself, too.... But as I was raised poor, I get it. You always want that cushion.
Brandon Marlowe 4 years ago
Leo, insuring your own security in the future is one of the best things you can do for your children as long as it is not depriving them in the present. "Saving for herself, too" doesn't necessarily make her an AH if everything she's said is true.
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Gogubaci 4 years ago
100% NTA. If anything this mother deserves a medal. First, for trying to not turn her son into a spoiled entitled brat, people getting their kids everything they wamt is why we have all these entitled pricks everywhere. Second, for saving up some money, things are expensive these days, anything can happen and it's important to have something set aside just in case, if income allows. And third, what's the point in buying expensive clothes for kids? They grow out of them anyway. Why people like throwing their money away is beyond me. You don't have to live poorly, you just need to be more responsible with money.
Caro Caro 4 years ago
Hmmm, money aside, she is teaching her son some valuable lessons: You don't always have to spend the money you have. Toy shop: you get one toy. New hobby or sport: Let's see if you stick to it before indulging and buying all that stuff. Although the child's future is secure financially doesn't mean the child has to be spoiled. I do hope the money saved will go to the son and not the mother as that is payed for by the father.
Viviane 4 years ago
I like the idea of getting cheaper items when starting a hobby. My family had to watch their pennies, so that stayed with me. When I started hiking, my first boots were pretty cheap. Once I was certain I liked hiking, I got the durable high quality ones. It felt like a reward. I knew someone who bought top-of-the-line items right off the bat for himself and his family -- and some items were only used once. Genuinely nice guy, so it's sad that they managed to blow through his income and ended up broke. He grew up getting money whenever he asked it.
Load More Replies... Ivana 4 years ago
What the hell is with the responses? Child support does not mean you use it all to buy the kid whatever they want. It is to help support raising a child, including food, clothing, housing, etc. So if she can afford to support them both without the child support then yes, the extra money should go into savings. I don't think people realize what child support is for. It is not just to buy the kid things, it is to put towards everything that goes into raising a kid, including having a nest egg for emergencies. Good on her for saving the money. Also, kids love to be active, a good 25 minute walk sounds healthy and great for both the kid and mother.
Burs 4 years ago
Exactly. Including paying part of the rent, the food, the water and electricity… And to have savings in case she gets unemployed.
Load More Replies... lenka 4 years ago
Mum sounds like a practical and reasonable parent who wants to instill the value of things in her kid. Saving the money for a rainy day is not an arsehole move. Most people are only one unfortunate accident or illness away from poverty. A rainy day fund is prudent and wise. Dad sounds like a slightly spoilt kid who loves his son dearly and wants the best for him. Also not an arsehole. Parents need to have a chat about values, not money. Also... kid is only 4. Its not like his financial needs are huge at this age. Wait a few years til his extracurricular activities, social events, technology requirements increase. I am sure Mum will need all the child support she gets.
Sarah Spencer 4 years ago
To be fair it sounds like the ex is using his wealth as a way to control her life after the split. Child support is not just for buying stuff for the kiddo. It contributes to food, bills, household necessities. No parent should be justifying their spending to their ex, even where child support is a part of the funds. I am also an advocate of NOT spoiling them so much and handing out so much expensive tat they have no idea of the value of anything.
Hugo Raible 4 years ago
Of course he wants to take part in the upbringing of his child as well. And he should. Both of them are good people.
Load More Replies... Iggy 4 years ago (edited)
A child of four does not need expensive clothes. They grow out of clothes so quickly or else they wreck them playing, which is what kids are supposed to do. The walk home from school is no harm either. It allows mother and son quality time to chat. It all sounds quite normal to me. I know the father has said he had made provision for his son's future but the extra money will be handy if/when he goes to college.
BluEyedSeoulite 4 years ago
So true. I have a 4 to and my husband complains I don't buy her expensive, pretty clothes. Why? If it doesn't have spangles on it, she doesn't want it!
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 4 years ago
I actually feel she is doing the right thing. The ex won't be there forever. Even if he set money aside for the kid to be taken care of, that doesn't mean she will have access to it. She's teaching her son about not being wasteful...something that will help him use his money wisely when he does inherit from Dad. And I think it's smart of her to put the money aside for a "rainy day." Who says she won't be unemployed at some point? As far as a 25 minute walk with her son...I think that's good parenting in that it gives her some one on one time with her son where they can go over the days events. Sounds like she's raising a well rounded kid.
Brandon Marlowe 4 years ago
Exactly, Carol. Who knows what may happen? Dad could meet someone in a few years and start a second family. OP has no guarantee that the money he has put away for the son will still be there when the kid gets ready to go to college. She's smart to save for him and not be totally dependent on the father for her son's future.
Load More Replies... Jo Choto 4 years ago
At 4 years old, the child is learning nothing about budgeting or lessons. He's too young to have any notion of such things. The mother is choosing to live frugally. The child is not suffering. The father is giving a huge amount of money, but there's nothing stopping him actually buying the things he wants his son to have, and spending time with him showing him the lifestyle that he prefers. You can't just throw money at someone and then tell them how to parent. Sounds like he should do more parenting himself. Otherwise, the mother is doing fine. And for at least the next 14 years, anything she does with the money she saves will contribute to the child's life, no matter what she spends it on, a house, a car, a holiday. The kid lives with his mother and she takes care of him. It's not like she's going to the islands without him on the child support!
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
When you have a father who is used to getting whatever, and a mother who is used to scrimping a bit... the kid will be better off thinking that it's best to save than to spend, as long as his needs are met, and if they live where a car is *not necessary*, then why get one? Just don't like that she says "rainy day" as if she's saving for herself, too.... But as I was raised poor, I get it. You always want that cushion.
Brandon Marlowe 4 years ago
Leo, insuring your own security in the future is one of the best things you can do for your children as long as it is not depriving them in the present. "Saving for herself, too" doesn't necessarily make her an AH if everything she's said is true.
Load More Replies... Gogubaci 4 years ago
100% NTA. If anything this mother deserves a medal. First, for trying to not turn her son into a spoiled entitled brat, people getting their kids everything they wamt is why we have all these entitled pricks everywhere. Second, for saving up some money, things are expensive these days, anything can happen and it's important to have something set aside just in case, if income allows. And third, what's the point in buying expensive clothes for kids? They grow out of them anyway. Why people like throwing their money away is beyond me. You don't have to live poorly, you just need to be more responsible with money.
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