“I’m Stressed”: Mom At Her Wit’s End As She Can’t Figure Out Reason Behind 4YO’s Extreme Outbursts

Parenting is full of surprises. Some parents think they’re signing up for cuddles, finger paints, and the occasional tantrum in the cereal aisle, but sometimes, they end up living with a tiny version of The Hulk.

That’s exactly what today’s Original Poster (OP) has been facing with her almost-4-year-old son. His behavior at the nursery and at home has escalated from typical preschool chaos to full-on meltdowns that leave rooms upside down, staff injured, and siblings soaked, quite literally. And while his affectionate side still shines through, she was left puzzled.

More info: Mumsnet

Parenting is often described as the most rewarding job in the world, but also the most demanding one

Smiling 4-year-old boy with messy hair indoors, representing out of control behavior after joining nursery.

Image credits: Demid Druz / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

The author’s son began displaying extreme behavior both at nursery and at home, including table-flipping, hitting, spitting, and meltdowns

Alt text: 4-year-old boy showing extreme behaviour after starting nursery, worried mother seeking advice on uncontrollable son.

Alt text: List describing a 4YO out of control after joining nursery, showing aggressive and disruptive behaviors from a desperate mom’s perspective.

Text describing a 4-year-old boy acting out uncontrollably at home, causing distress to his family and prompting advice requests.

Text excerpt about a 4-year-old out of control after joining nursery, with a desperate mom seeking advice on her uncontrollable son.

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Toddler boy drawing on wall with crayons, showing signs of being out of control after joining nursery, concerned mom nearby.

Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)

Traditional disciplinary measures such as timeouts, confiscating toys, and withdrawing attention proved ineffective and sometimes backfired, escalating the behavior further

Text excerpt showing a mother describing unsuccessfully managing her 4-year-old son's uncontrollable behavior after joining nursery.

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Text about a 4-year-old out of control after joining nursery, describing mixed behaviors from affectionate to uncontrollable.

Text excerpt about a 4-year-old boy showing extreme behavior changes after joining nursery, with a mom seeking advice.

Text excerpt about nursery support and referrals for speech, language, and neurodevelopmental assessment with a long waiting list in Scotland.

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Mom holding her 4-year-old son laughing outdoors, representing concerns about out of control behavior after joining nursery.

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Despite these challenges, her son also shows calm, affectionate behavior, enjoying activities like Lego, walks, and storytime, creating unpredictability for the parents

Mother expresses concern about her 4-year-old son’s out of control behavior after joining nursery, seeking advice.

Mom feeling stressed and anxious dealing with uncontrollable 4-year-old son after joining nursery, seeking urgent advice.

Text asking if anyone has experienced a 4-year-old out of control with escalating behavior possibly linked to ADHD or autism.

Text slide with a question about practical strategies that help keep everyone safe day-to-day after a 4YO joins nursery.

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Worried mother sitting at a table with her out of control 4-year-old son after joining nursery, seeking advice.

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Nursery staff have made referrals for speech, language, and neurodevelopmental assessments, but long waiting lists have left her seeking alternative strategies

Text showing a parent seeking advice on managing uncontrollable behaviors of a 4-year-old after joining nursery.

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In an update, the author mentioned that her son would indeed be taking some tests, however, she just needed advice on how to deal with the outbursts

It all started with occasional outbursts, but since beginning a new nursery term, the OP’s son has had a fiery streak that has kicked into overdrive. We’re talking flipped tables, spitting, hitting, scratching, and meltdowns that feel impossible to contain.

At home, things weren’t much calmer. The OP mentioned her son would smash items, clash with his sibling, wreck his room, and even pee on himself in protest. She had tried it all though, from time outs, screen bans, toy confiscation, to even withdrawing attention. However, nothing seemed to stick.

Instead, punishments often backfired, leading to more defiance or even new ways of acting out. However, there was an unpredictability that added stress to her. She noted that some days, her son was perfectly calm and cooperative, enjoying stories, walks, and cuddles, so this made it even harder for her to know what’s really going on.

The nursery team had already made referrals for speech, language, and neurodevelopmental assessments, but the waiting list can stretch up to two years. Now, she’s left asking the internet for strategies on how to keep everyone at home safe on a daily basis.

Stressed mother dealing with out of control 4yo son after joining nursery, seeking advice while working on laptop at home.

Image credits: zinkevych / Freepik (not the actual photo)

AutPlay Therapy explains that neurodivergent young children often display a range of behavioral signs which can include difficulties with social interaction, sensory sensitivities, difficulty with emotional regulation resulting in meltdowns, aggression, or withdrawal.

Building on this, Keywell adds that punitive strategies therefore do not work for neurodivergent children because they fail to consider the neurological differences driving their behavior. Many of these children respond differently to conventional rewards or punishments compared with neurotypical peers.

According to Emora Health, supporting neurodivergent children involves reinforcing positive behaviors while minimizing attention to minor misbehaviors to reduce conflict, establishing routines and clear expectations helps children feel secure and navigate transitions more easily.

They also emphasize teaching emotional regulation and social skills in one-on-one or small group settings to support overall development. In the context of the story, where traditional sanctions have failed and the child often becomes overwhelmed, these strategies highlight a more supportive way forward that focuses on understanding needs rather than simply managing behaviors.

Netizens suggested that the nursery may not be the right environment and recommended considering alternatives, highlighting the need to move away from strict sanctions, since they appear ineffective. Some also suggested that the son’s reactions may be linked to neurodivergence.

If you were in the OP’s shoes, how might you handle the balance between keeping siblings safe and supporting the child in crisis? We would love to know your thoughts!

Netizens were empathetic towards the author, but also emphasized that her son’s behavior is a sign he is struggling rather than misbehaving

Text post from BaffledAndBemusedToo describing a mother’s struggle with her 4YO out of control son after joining nursery.

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Alt text: Advice on managing uncontrollable behavior of 4-year-old son struggling after joining nursery shared by a desperate mom.

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