“Made Her Lose Her Mind”: MIL Can’t Take Grandkid With Her, Does Her Best To Ruin Parents’ Lives

Supporting someone with mental illness could mean the world to them. However, navigating relationships when a mental illness is involved can be challenging and emotionally draining. Sometimes, this dynamic may even become too damaging, and when that happens, the healthiest choice might be to step back, even if it’s heartbreaking. 

This woman, together with her husband, started seriously considering walking away from their mom and mother-in-law, who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. They couldn’t set healthy boundaries with her, and her actions were becoming too damaging, so they turned online for some advice on how they could deal with the situation better.

Navigating relationships when mental illness is involved can be very challenging

Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / freepik (not the actual photo)

So when MIL with borderline personality disorder started butting in this family’s business, they turned online for advice

Image credits: kues1 / freepik (not the actual photo)

Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)

Image credits: pastel-clown

Family and friends of a person with borderline personality disorder might feel helpless

For people with borderline personality disorder, it’s especially difficult to maintain relationships, as their condition, characterized by intense emotional instability and impulsivity, can leave their loved ones feeling helpless, mistreated, and off-balance. A person struggling with this mental illness also has a strong fear of abandonment or being left alone, which often leads to mood swings and anger that may push others away. 

Family and friends of a person with borderline personality disorder might feel helpless when trying to communicate with them, as they can get heated quite quickly. One of the best ways to calm them down is to listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Once they realize that they’re being heard and aren’t being invalidated, it can help them defuse the intense emotions they’re feeling.

With them, it’s not about the words they’re communicating but the feelings they’re trying to convey. Therefore, one doesn’t have to agree with what they’re saying, they just have to make it clear they’re listening and sympathizing with them. Generally, it’s best to stay calm when interacting with someone with borderline personality disorder, as any attempt at defense will make them act out even more. Distracting them from their rising emotions might also work: try listening to music, taking a pet on a walk, getting a drink, etc. 

Another thing that can help in communicating with a loved one with borderline disorder is to set limits or healthy boundaries. This may help everyone involved to get some sense of control back, since the disorder causes a lot of chaos and instability in relationships. Boundaries also indicate what behaviors are acceptable. When this is honored, it helps build trust and respect, which are key in any relationship. 

However, when a boundary is set with a person with borderline personality disorder, things might get initially worse before they get better. Since they fear rejection, a set boundary might be associated with this fear of theirs and push them to have an intense reaction. Despite this, it’s important to reinforce the boundary, as giving in to their negative behaviors will only reinforce them.

Image credits: serdjophoto / freepik (not the actual photo)

In every case, one’s safety and well-being should be the number one priority

When setting boundaries, it’s important to remain calm. Decide beforehand what behaviors won’t be tolerated and make them clear to the person with borderline personality disorder. During the process, HelpGuide.org suggests trying to calmly reassure them, like for example, saying, “I love you and I want our relationship to work, but I can’t handle the stress caused by your behavior. I need you to make this change for me.”

Everyone in the family should be aware of these boundaries and know how to enforce boundaries when they’re overstepped. Something else that is important to keep in mind is that limits shouldn’t be presented all at once. Instead, they should be introduced gradually, one or two at a time. It’s also best not to make threats or ultimatums one can’t carry out. The person with borderline disorder is likely to test those limits, and if they feel like they can get away with it, they will continue with the destructive behavior. 

In case a person with borderline personality disorder refuses treatment and their loved ones have exhausted all efforts to maintain a healthy relationship, it may eventually take a toll on their emotional or physical well-being, leaving them no choice but to make the painful decision to step away. This doesn’t mean that they don’t care about the person who is struggling with mental illness. No one should put up with verbal or physical abuse, not even from the person they love. In every case, one’s safety and well-being should be the number one priority. 

Feeling blame in this situation is natural. In such moments, it may help to remember that everyone is responsible for their own actions and behaviors, not the other way around. HelpGuide.org suggests keeping the 3 C’s rule when one feels responsible for others’ destructive behavior. 

The 3 C’s are:

• I didn’t cause it.
• I can’t cure it.
• I can’t control it.

The original poster answered some questions in the comments

Luckily, the commenters offered quite a few useful recommendations to the OP

Later, the OP thanked everyone for the support and shared a mini update

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