MIL’s Unrealistic Expectations Cause Marriage Strain, Man Then Demands Wife Change For His Mom

For many mothers-in-law, the arrival of a daughter-in-law can bring hopes of forming a close, almost familial bond. Some envision a relationship filled with new experiences and a sense of companionship.

These expectations often come from a genuine desire to connect and be involved in their child’s life. However, these hopes can sometimes clash with reality, as today’s Original Poster (OP) found herself in a position where she didn’t want closeness with her mother-in-law to her husband’s dismay.

More info: Mumsnet

For many mothers-in-law, welcoming a daughter-in-law into the family can bring hopes of forming a close, almost daughter-like bond, but it isn’t always the reality

Young woman showing affection to toddler outdoors, highlighting themes of daughter-in-law and racist mother-in-law conflict.

Image credits: Andriyko Podilnyk / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

The author’s mother-in-law had long imagined a close, daughter-like bond with her daughter-in-law, hoping for “girly” activities and companionship

Text excerpt about difficult relationship with racist MIL and upset hubby, discussing family dynamics and disappointment.

Text about husband and wife’s years together and mother-in-law’s expectation of a friend-like relationship with daughter-in-law

Text excerpt discussing a daughter-in-law not enjoying girly activities with a racist mother-in-law and related family tension.

Text excerpt describing a racist MIL who is intolerant and judgmental, causing conflict with DIL.

A daughter-in-law and mother-in-law smiling and hugging on a park bench, representing family tensions over racism.

Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

The author, with different personality and values, remained polite but did not seek out a deeper relationship or match her mother-in-law’s expectations

Alt text: Text discussing displeasure with racist MIL and strained family dynamics involving husband’s reaction.

Text excerpt discussing polite engagement with racist MIL but avoiding regular contact or seeking time together.

ALT text: Daughter-in-law avoiding racist mother-in-law while husband reacts emotionally to family conflict.

Text about a daughter-in-law refusing to develop a closer bond with a racist mother-in-law despite pressure from her husband.

Older woman wearing glasses and purple blouse sitting on floral couch, looking stern and contemplative indoors.

Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

On Christmas, after a few drinks, the mother-in-law expressed disappointment in the imagined relationship, prompting her husband to pressure her wife to try harder

Alt text: Text about daughter-in-law refusing to be besties with racist mother-in-law causing husband to throw tantrum.

Alt text: Text stating she needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself, highlighting family conflict issues.

Text excerpt discussing a husband upset over his wife refusing to befriend his racist mother and giving silent treatment.

Text excerpt showing a dilemma about refusing to be besties with racist MIL causing tension and hubby throwing tantrum.

Image credits: GelatinousDynamo

However, she refused to force closeness, prioritizing boundaries, which led her husband to give her the silent treatment and create ongoing tension in the marriage

The OP highlighted that for years now, she’d known that her mother-in-law wanted a relationship with her that looked straight out of a movie from going shopping, chats, to doing the whole “girly” things together. However, she never played those roles.

She noted that she was polite, present, and civil, but didn’t share mother-in-law’s interests or values as they were both fundamentally different. The OP described her mother-in-law as old-fashioned, judgmental, and somewhat racist, and while the OP was polite, these traits didn’t make her eager for quality time.

However, on Christmas Day, after one too many drinks, the mother-in-law revealed how badly she had always pictured a closer bond with the OP. The OP’s husband, understandably moved by his mother’s tears, then insisted that the OP wife must try harder to have a closer bond with his mother.

The OP, on the other hand, stood firm and told him that she wouldn’t pretend to be someone she’s not, nor will she sacrifice her comfort and values to fulfill another person’s fantasy. Because of this, her husband started giving her the silent treatment and eventually added “spending time” with their “true family” as his New Year goals.

Frustrated woman rubbing temples in an office setting, illustrating tension with racist MIL and upset husband conflict.

Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

According to Psychology Today, conflicts in blended families, or in extended family dynamics like those between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law, often stem from unrealistic expectations, especially the assumption that close emotional bonds should form instantly.

The Everygirl notes that expecting immediate closeness overlooks the need for shared experiences and time to build trust, and that manufacturing closeness in relationships without genuine compatibility can create significant emotional strain. When people are pushed into frequent interactions with someone they don’t naturally connect with, feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and frustration can quickly emerge.

Finally, as Mentalzon points out, emotional vulnerability from one person does not obligate another to change their personality or core values. Empathy is important, but it doesn’t mean someone must compromise their identity to soothe another’s disappointment, as true support comes from compassion without sacrificing one’s own needs or integrity.

Netizens were sympathetic to the OP, emphasizing that she should not feel pressured to mold herself into a relationship she isn’t comfortable with. They also pointed out that her husband was contributing to the problem, however, what do you think about this situation? Do you think it’s fair for a spouse to expect you to force a closer relationship with their parent? We would love to know your thoughts!

Netizens insisted that the author should maintain boundaries and that her husband needed to respect them, because the mother-in-law’s disappointment was not her burden

Text excerpt discussing a difficult MIL and DIL relationship involving racism and a husband upset about his mother.

Text excerpt from a discussion where a daughter-in-law refuses to be close to a racist mother-in-law, causing conflict.

Alt text: Excerpt from a forum post discussing difficult relationship dynamics between daughter-in-law, racist mother-in-law, and husband’s reaction.

Commenter shares experience about not being besties with racist mother-in-law despite knowing her for 30 years.

Reddit comment discussing a daughter-in-law refusing to be besties with a racist mother-in-law and husband’s defensive reaction.

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