The Place Where Midlife Men Are Quietly Making Friends Again Is Not Where Anyone Expects

Dr. Ben Garrett has a question he puts to the men in their forties who come to his counselling practice: who would you call if you were having a bad night? Most can list plenty of acquaintances. Very few can give him a name.

I could answer it once. Now I can name several friends I have lost. Some friendships faded as life pulled us in different directions. Others ended with a harder break and no clear way back. A few people who once felt like permanent fixtures became little more than memories.

That is not only my experience. The largest analysis ever done on how social networks change with age found that they grow through young adulthood and then shrink, and that one kind of network shrinks first. It is the one men are worst at rebuilding.

I asked four people who work with men, relationships and grief why this happens and whether it can be reversed. They agreed on the mechanism, which has a short name and nothing to do with men being bad at feelings. They also agreed on where midlife friendships are quietly forming again, and it is not where anyone over forty would expect.