The animal kingdom has historically produced females larger than their male counterparts, in such species as map turtles, blue whales, and blanket octopodes – the last of which dominates at 40,000 times the weight of her spouse.
(Source: National Geographic. They know what they are talking about).
Human females have finally caught up in the evolutionary chain and are mimicking dominant behavior in numbers previously unseen. The alarming rate at which human males are being eaten have sparked global protests as consumption statistics continue to rise.
(Source: Newsweek. And CNN if you’re into CNN.)
Male protesters gathered en masse in major cities around the world to bring awareness to several issues, including white papers on hormonal differences in smaller males; proposals for male-only public transportation compartments to reduce the risk of bumping a female; and calls for government-sponsored support for anti-ingestion classes and eating-etiquette workshops.
(Source: Public Domain Pictures and real-life experience.)
One protester who declined to provide his name recounted the following: “I’m here to share my story and help with this issue.
I was just walking down the street with my headphones in, and I think that’s what encouraged this woman to believe that I got into her way on purpose, that I was asking to bump into her. I tried to call for help but no one seemed to want to confront her aggression. I always carry mace with me now so fortunately I escaped. I’m only missing a hand but it could have been much worse.”
Dark clothing and accessories such as headphones and mobile devices have recently come under fire as potential links to increased bumping behavior. However it is clear from protester demands that media interest be moved from bumping to the claimed issue: eating.
(Source: Good Free Photos)
Calls to address the increased gobbling up of males unfortunately fell on deaf ears as Thursday marked the third assembly of the now majority female government, as they approached their deadline to resolve the effects on the planet of larger weight and birthing more.
On Tuesday’s re-hash of the issue, the congressional record released new statistics regarding the reduced number of males leveling out the pay gap, an important consideration in the cost-benefits analysis to reduce competition for resources.
(Source: Getty/AFP)
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