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We're in a global loneliness epidemic, but men seem to be disproportionately affected compared to women. In 2021, the AEI Survey Center on American Life found that only 27% of U.S. men have at least six close friends. In 1990, that number was 55%. Men are also less likely to seek mental health support, as only 13.4% of American men receive mental health treatment compared to 24.7% of women.
As a result, girlfriends, wives, and female colleagues often become substitutes for therapists. In one recent online thread, many women shared how men approach them and unload their life stories and problems unprompted.
The discussion began when one woman wrote, "I am a single woman working on her rural property. It is astounding how often men stop and get out of their cars to come tell me their problems." Shockingly, more women have had similar experiences, and you can read all about them below.
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#1
To paraphrase Jane Austen "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a busy woman in possession of a happy life must be in want of a random man to tell her how she's doing it all wrong.".
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#2
To give you a different perspective, I experienced something similar when I moved to small rural community. People would always stop me to chit chat when I'm working out side. I was a annoyed at it when I first moved because it interrupted what I was doing and listening to people's problems that I don't know felt burdensome, but I really like it now.
People are lonely and guess what, I was lonely. Having neighbors that you chitchat with is the first step to becoming friends/ good neighbors.
Those chit chats were the first step into developing community. Now my neighbors exchange fruits and favors and I know everyone around me. One of the guys that used to stop and chit chat helped me with some plumbing issues no questions asked and no payment needed. I look out for him and drop by extra fruit and veg I was growing. My other neighbor saw that I was gardening and dropped off some plants and neem oil. And stuff like this now happens all the time.
We look out for each other, check in with each other, and it's really nice being in a community and community is so hard to come by these days. Sometimes the price of being a good neighbor is a little bit of discomfort at first. It's hard talking to strangers and it's hard making the first step to speak to somebody.
I'm not writing this to discount your feelings about being bothered / doing emotional labor but just to give you a different perspective because I experience something similar and my perspective has changed and I think I'm happier for it.
Mark Alexander 7 hours ago
Chit chatting with neighbors or pedestrians walking by is one thing. Random strangers stopping, getting out of their car, and emotionally dumping on someone in their yard is crazy, intimidating, and dangerous.
#3
Take the wife's side. Every time. They will stop talking to you.
#4
This happens constantly to my aunt who lives in the middle of nowhere Ohio. She bought large work gloves and men’s size work boots at a thrift store. Whenever she’s working outside, she’ll put the boots on the steps and the gloves somewhere near her. She said that whenever someone unwanted stops by, she’ll cut the visit short by pretending to “find the gloves”. She would then tell the stranger, “My husband went inside to look for his gloves” (hence why the work boots were placed on the porch). Then she would shout, “Honey! I found your gloves! They were right by the bags of soil! Oh, he probably can’t hear me, I’d better run inside and tell him. Okay then- bye!” She said this works 10/10 times. She lives alone but strangers don’t need to know that!!
#5
I had this same problem when I used to work at a front desk, it was like every other person who walked in would trauma dump all over me. One time I asked a guy "why are you telling me this?" and I swear to god I saw his brain do a full system reboot all over his face because he couldn't comprehend why I wouldn't want to hear about his troubles.
#6
I used to work in the lumber section at a big box hardware store. If it wasn’t busy, men would use the opportunity to trap me at the contractor desk to vent about their lives. They’d often mistake the fact that I couldn’t leave my work zone and walk away as interest.
My takeaway was that men really need therapists. I can’t imagine the mindset needed to approach random women and expect free therapy.
#7
Middle aged rural living guy here: I cannot imagine what would ever possess me to stop my car to talk to some random stranger doing yard work about my personal life, never mind a woman alone who might very well(and reasonably) get freaked out about a random dude stopping to talk to her. That's absolutely bonkers.
#8
At least I know that when I'm in my garden on a summer day, shoveling dirt and moving pavers, sweating like hell and taking frequent water breaks, that I won't have a bear walk by, lean on my fence and ask, "so, you digging a hole?"
Sometimes I just want to throw my shovel at them.
Spencers slave no more 3 hours ago (edited)
"Yes. How tall are you, I don't want to dig twice?"
#9
You have to stop caring about whether or people see you as friendly. You continue to let them waltz onto your property as a result of you being friendly. Next time, ask them what exactly prompted them to trespass on your private property, because you sure as hell didn't invite them.
#10
I had a similar problem, and I got a dog. Medium sized dog, but shy with strangers. She would growl if someone approached me in or near the house but never attacked or anything like that. Really enabled me to just tell people to give her space because she was nervous with strangers. Almost immediately the uninvited stops...stopped.
#11
Be “unfriendly”. It’s ok. It’s about maintaining boundaries.
I’d straight up tell them that I don’t talk to strangers and they are not invited. Hang some No Trespassing signs up on the gate. And a No Soliciting sign for good measure. Add a camera or two.
I’m living in my Grumpy Era and I am ok with it. 🩵 it’s actually really freeing.
#12
Men will always mistake politeness for friendliness.
I'm in my 30's and it's happened a handful of times.
#13
I feel like a lot of men don't care or don't realize or understand how the mere presence of them when you are a woman and alone is terrifying and scary enough. Because of how unpredictable men are and can be.
#14
I can't imagine driving along, seeing a woman gardening, and thinking "I'm gonna stop and tell her all my problems.".
#15
For some reason they think they'd gather sympathy or invitations through that. When I was very young old men would come up to me and start to sigh and angrily murmur to themselves, as If that would ignite some intrinsic nurturing instinct in me for them or something. It just made me very uncomfortable because I sadly already knew their expectations.
It's got to have to do a lot with childish dry begging tactics that may have worked in their mom wifes someday and it takes a sick role projectation to expect the same love from any younger stranger that suits the gaze.
#16
OMGGGGGGG wait is this a universal experience?!?
I’m an entomologist and pretty fresh out of college I was on a project looking at pests and pollination in pumpkin crop systems out in the middle of nowhere, not a paved road in sight. I was working under a male grad student so we were usually together, but this time he had to run back to the car for something. I continued my work, tromping through pumpkin vine looking like a nerdy dork in my field clothes with my net or clipboard.
This random man passed me in his car then u-turned, got off his car, and came right up close to me. This was right past peak COVID, I still wore masks whenever I went indoors, so I didn’t actually want him near me. I figured he wanted to know what I was doing and he did kinda ask that, but honestly blew right past the topic once he knew I had permission. He immediately launched into a rant about how no one wants to work the fields bc the stimulus checks, eveyone’s spoiled now, and COVID was a hoax anyways. Literally ranting at me! I didn’t even have a chance to say anything or leave. I mean, I was supposed to be working and he was getting in my way.
I was already uncomfortable, but it did get kinda creepy tho. The grad student saw the man and since it was his project he figured he could best answer any questions the man had so he started making his way over. Once the random man noticed him he said “oh, but I thought you were alone?” And he took off in his car before the grad student got close. 💀 SIR?!? But why did it matter to him if I was alone?!?
#17
My gran didn't hunt but she had a couple firearms just in case. When she wanted to be taken seriously, when she was feeling some sort of insecurity, she'd just put her firearm in her holster. She said it helped her "feel bigger".
#18
Hand them a shovel and point to where you want them to start. Then list off the chores they can do when they’ve finished. They will leave. Or you’ll get a lot accomplished!
#19
My lonely as hell old man neighbor rushes out the second he sees me in my front yard gardening. He has ruined it for me.
I am a kind person. I said to this crusty jerk "Nah, I have installed federally protected species in my flower bed so when men annoy me, I can burry them under this flower bed and it will be illegal to dig them up!" I said that to this mans face, figuring he would get a clue. He did not.
He instead warned my husband that I had a plan to off him for insurance money? My husband replied that he didn't feel the flower bed was for him.
#20
My dog of 13 years passed away last year, the night before she was supposed to go into observation at the vet's clinic. I was digging the hole in my parents' yard where other pets had been buried, and some old guy approached the fence to start talking to me, and when I told him, teary-eyed, that I was burying my dog, he proceeded to dump on ME. Like, WTF, sir, can you not see that I need a moment? And he talked for nearly the entire time it took me to dig a 6-foot deep hole. I just wanted to cry while digging a hole, and I couldn't even have that
#21
I’m curious about your age— when I was younger, I would get the typical situation of men hitting on me. Somewhere in my mid-forties, it mostly changed to this situation, where older men (usually 60+) would just stop me in the aisle at Target or TSA line at the airport (that was this week) or WHEREVER and just start telling me about their grievances as though I’ve known them for years.
I think the part that really bothers me is that the stereotype is that WOMEN are incessantly chatty and just won’t shut up and let the men in their lives have some peace… but then this is the reality.
#22
Start talking about how the price of tampons keeps going up, especially the good brands. Go into detail about why some brands are better than others, and how all the brands are getting worse.
You know, just small talk complaining about the economy.
(Yes, I know, rule 34. Try diapers. Or your mom's Alzheimer's medication. Or even just the nasty messes your dog/horse/cow/chickens leave for you to clean up.).
#23
If you're working inside the fence, can you close and lock the gate? I clip mine shut, mainly to keep dogs in, but that could make it less welcoming.
Maybe saying something like, "wow, that's pretty heavy stuff to tell a complete stranger. I think I'm going to start charging you by the hour if I have to be your therapist." Then a laugh a little.
If they keep it up, point to your earbuds and say you're busy listening to something.
#24
I'm a married woman who's often working alone on her inherited rural property. Everyone knows my family , we've had five generations work this land before me. And everyone knows I'm the current owner. I don't mind visitors in general, but some of them...Oof. Shut up and get off my land, dude, I'm trying to work and you're wasting daylight here. Shoo.
I use several deterrents to discourage visitors when I don't want them First one isa fence with a driveway gate that is ALWAYS closed. Not locked, mind you. Just closed. Most people will see the closed gate, blow the horn as a greeting, and keep going because it signals that this isn't time to pay a courtesy call. Sure, I'll a car honk as a complete interaction, thanks for passing by.
Second deterrent is a big black dog, 120 lbs. of him, to be exact. It doesn't matter that he's a service dog and about as vicious as a newborn mouse. It doesn't matter that he associates people with treats, scritches, and love. It doesn't even matter that he's so well-trained that he does not even bark, and he's so pampered that he does not know how to growl properly. People, especially people who have not met my dog, will keep going even if the gate is open, if that see that dog running loose. Those that have met him? Well, they know what he is, and they will pull in to visit.
Third deterrent is simple. I open carry in a shoulder holster. I've had strange people pull into the driveway, park at the closed gate, and get out. But when they see me walking up to them with no fear, and with that firearm on my chest and that very big dog bounding at my heels, they usually get back into their vehicle and leave very quickly. I confess to using body language to convey that I'm assertive and a little bit of an a**e: head is up, shoulders back, stride purposeful, overall confidence high. Inside, I'm scared witless. But if you don't know me, what you see is a tall, fit, armed, and seemingly aggressive woman going straight towards you. It can be (and is meant to be) highly disconcerting.
But the one thing I don't do is wave empty-handed at people as they pass. People take that as an invitation to stop by. Wave with a knife or shovel in hand. That way, what you're doing looks so much like hard work that these lazybones with leisure time won't stop by, for fear of the woman asking them to do something manly. No joke. It's the best deterrent in your arsenal.
#25
Holy hell, I'm glad it isn't just me. Our house backs onto a golf course. There are no fences, so in autumn, winter and spring we have beautiful views of the rolling land and river valley, which is really nice since we live in the city.... but during summer, my god the old men. I love to work in my yard, especially my vegetable garden, but I might as well put up a sign saying 'drive your golf cart into my backyard and ask me about what I'm doing and tell me about your life.'
Yes there are white stakes marking the edge of the course. Yes I have planted a few short bushes and placed some rocks ... They just go through my neighbour's yard to reach me.
#26
Ask "Oh, what's your wife's name?"
Then when they respond, ask for a last name and pretend you know who she is. Ask how she's doing and say you haven't spoken to her in awhile. That you'll need to text her and catch up and let her know her husband passed by. Do it in the friendliest and most innocent of tones. .
#27
Ohhhh my god i think i was meant to see this. there's this annoying man in my department who comes by my office maybe once a week and just *dumps* everything in his life on me. he feels like he's discriminated against in our primarily white university in a red state because he's a white man, he wants validation for taking some scam ai job, or how he has more integrity than people who vote. he just comes to my office, interrupts whatever it is i'm working on, and stands there and yaps for an hour or more about how hard life is when you're a property owning white guy with a rich wife on socialized healthcare. always wondered why, especially since i'm the only black woman in the department.
#28
I’m sorry that happens to you, it sounds very intrusive and annoying. I live in the city, and this happens to me almost every time I work in the front yard (not necessarily the emotional dumping, but the uninvited interruptions and venturing on to my property). From men, it’s mostly a lot of slow drive-bys and some leering 🙄
I almost always wear headphones when I’m in the garden, listening to music or a podcast. I don’t mind the occasional wave or “hi”, but it really bugs me when strangers assume that I want or have time to talk when I’m clearly in the middle of something!! My window of time for gardening is limited, so when I’m out there, I’m trying to be productive. Leave me alone with my plants please 🤪.
#29
With cptsd I can't afford to care about seeming unfriendly but I also live in BFE and no one ever comes over (except for neighbors) unless it's my husband outside because he is always waving back and smiling and rural people barely get any human interaction so if anyone waves and/or smiles, they take advantage of that lol.
Rural people know which people to avoid too bc those "we don't call 911" or "no trespassing" signs mean something. Usually they'll also have dogs. That dont shut up lol. We have a large dog but he doesn't bark, but when I'm working on the garden our dog is my shadow and literally follows me and sits against me guarding me.
#30
That’s it really. I’ll be working on my garden and if I’m anywhere near the road, random middle aged men will stop their cars to say hello and then quickly go into long monologues about their issues with their wives, their land ladies, their bosses, whatever. I don’t know these men, sometimes they start dumping on me before even introducing themselves to me, they’re certainly not interested in my name or anything about me.
Yesterday it happened again, with a man who I haven’t seen in months. His car drives by, he waves so I wave back then he stops his car, gets out, takes my open gate as an invitation and comes into my garden to talk to me about all the work he’s doing at his place and how his wife just left town. I cut him off after a time and just said, “well I should get back to work, take care” and thankfully he left. I don’t want to be known as unfriendly but the eagerness in which this grown (supposedly married) man bounded out of his car and walked uninvited up my driveway just didn’t feel right. It has gotten so bad sometimes I hide when I hear a car driving by.
I love living in the country but it’s ridiculous and somewhat infuriating that here in this space with so little people I still have to deal with random dudes trying to use me for free emotional labour. This is why I’ll always choose the bear.
#31
This is just country thing where I'm from... you're seeing it as men stopping for you when often it's those guys taking any opportunity to talk to *anyone*.
#32
My favorite is when I'm waiting in a restaurant for my food, and some strange man comes in and decides that he needs to be the center of attention. Once while waiting for a pizza a man came in just hoping to get some cheese for something he was cooking so he wouldn't have to go all the way to the store. As he was waiting, he spots me and my roommate and starts launching into all these gruesome things he did in the war and rambling about his life story and his many ailments. It wasn't until our pizza was handed to us and we were trying to leave that he finally stopped talking and wandered home.
Another time I was waiting on a sandwich and a guy with a handlebar mustache started doing a mustache performance, but just to me and another girl that were cornered in the tight space. Not to any of the men.
Some fellas just can't exist knowing a woman is quietly minding her own business. I've never seen a woman do this. Are they out there? I'm sure. But it seems to be every third Grandpa.
#33
Men in general have obvious problems. But middle aged and older men are a-whole-nother level!
I noticed a big personality switch in both of my parents as they aged. But my father, especially, just lost all decorum. It's like he regressed to being a toddler in many situations.
#34
This is honestly one of the things I like about living in a city. There's more people yes, but they're more likely to leave you alone. I adore living in rural areas for the access to nature but you need to be SO remote to get away from the country "nice" that are entitled men who wanna come up on you "just to chat" with zero warning much less consideration for whether or not they are actually welcome. .
#35
My LGDs stopped that issue. The worst was when I was working on adding fencing and this massive man I've never seen before just drives up to the house in his truck, comes out to the yard section I'm working on (past the house and garage so it was clearly internal property space mind you) and asked if any of the goats are for sale. Like are you kidding me dude?
My 60 lb gsd to her credit stayed between me and the man barking her head off but again she was only 60/65 lbs and looked it. After that incident I got anatolians that don't like strangers.
#36
I live alone and we had a pretty rough winter. I live in the city but a residential part so I have a (pretty short) driveway. I’m more than capable of doing it myself but I tend to swear and grunt while shoveling cause it's hard.
I’m out there sweating and swearing and shoveling the end of my driveway which is half ice cause I’m too lazy to shovel until it gets bad when a rando walks up to me and starts trying to chat me up. When I refuse to answer his question on whether or not I’m single he no joke asks me if I have any single friends. Freaking joker. I ignore him after that until he leaves.
I usually get randos trying to talk to me when I walk my dog but thankfully my dog actually hates strangers and if anyone approaches he growls and barks. He’s just a little dog but the growls do tend to deter people. Plus he barks so loud I can actively ignore someone and pretend I don’t hear them.
#37
Maybe you should start charging.
"Oh, you want to vent? It's $30 an hour, payment up front.".
#38
I vended at a swap meet yesterday by myself in a small town, listened to soooooo many mologues from older white men. Also, the one who didnt come with stories just asked a billion questions about items from the free bin 😩.
#39
Just wave, and then turn your back on them and go back to work. Otherwise 'polite' looks like an invitation. This is especially true to men that WANT to interpret it as such.
#40
These men need therapy but they will never go to to a therapist or sadly cannot afford one. Omg I would hate this. I feel like not just men but some people in general will be very open and tell random strangers all about their lives and problems.
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What do you think ?
Khavrinen 2 hours ago
Yet another post of women explaining things men do, that makes me think, "There are men that DO that??" Not that I'm doubting their experiences, I'm just baffled at men's behavior that I cannot imagine myself ever thinking of, much less doing.
Min (she/her) 1 minute ago
You would be amazed by some of the things other men do!
Load More Replies... Khavrinen 2 hours ago
Yet another post of women explaining things men do, that makes me think, "There are men that DO that??" Not that I'm doubting their experiences, I'm just baffled at men's behavior that I cannot imagine myself ever thinking of, much less doing.
Min (she/her) 1 minute ago
You would be amazed by some of the things other men do!
Load More Replies...
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