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Men Share Double Standards They’ve Experienced Because They’re Men
Recently, Reddit user ENTPain made a post on the platform that challenged its users' assumptions and provided an opportunity to discuss the way society treats a group that is often thought to have the most beneficial position within it.
"What is a double standard that you have experienced as a guy but is seen as okay if you were a girl?" the post read. And it really struck a chord with people—men immediately started sending in their personal stories and reacting to each other's, so we thought we'd round up the most popular ones and ask you to share your take on them as well.
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#1
Kissing children. Got a rude awakening when I was in public with my nephew. He was being cute (as always) so I gave him a kiss on his forehead and cheeks. Someone “politely” told me that it was weird that I was giving him affection like that and I was just shocked. I felt like if it was a girl they wouldn’t be told off about this. I don’t care what the public thinks though, my nephew and my new niece are getting all the hugs and kisses from me, the cooler uncle.
Bored Panda got in touch with ENTPain to talk about masculinity and gender norms, and they agreed to have a little chat with us.
"I'm part of a female community here in Reddit where you can find wholesome content, some good memes and inside jokes that are focused on or for women," ENTPain recalled the origins of their now-viral post. "That day, I found [someone] tearing apart a guy because he was uncomfortable/didn't know how to feel about the girl he was currently dating ... I knew the post because I saw it earlier, and there were people saying horrible things about the girl, but the guy that posted it isn't responsible for that, you know? He was just expressing that he didn't know how to feel about it and was uncomfortable knowing this."
ENTPain was very confused, asking themselves questions like, "Were they invalidating this guy's boundaries?"
"Feminism supposedly supports equality, and that includes validating and accepting everyone; so why was it wrong for him to feel uncomfortable with something he wasn't okay with?" the Redditor wondered. "Why is it wrong for a guy to set boundaries? I ended up commenting on the post and I started getting downvoted for defending the guy and validating his boundaries. It made me think that this wasn't the only area where guys had to suffer because of double standards, so I ended up posting on r/AskReddit out of mere curiosity."
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#2
At a bar I used to go to, there was a chick, a total drunk, who would always sneak up behind me and grab my crotch. Once she even licked my ear while doing it. I wasn't amused in the slightest but everyone else seemed to think that was pretty f****** funny. Pretty sure that wouldn't have flown if genders were reversed.
#3
Not quite what the question is asking, but it iritates me as a father When I take care of my daughter, doing simple things like feeding her or just skipping down the sidewalk or talking nonsense, people feel a need to tell me I'm "such a great father" and "wish there was men like you" like.... okay, you obviously have s***ty people in your life, I'm doing my job, and it iritates my wife because she does the same thing and everyone just thinks it's normal
Even if we weren't talking about double standards, nowadays it's difficult to have a conversation about men or women without pitting them against each other. "I think the main point related to why there is so much negativity about equality is the misunderstanding of everything that the opposite [intimacy] has to go through," ENTPain said.
"There's a lot of stereotypes and stigmatization around what men and women are supposed to be, and a lot of those things that inherently we grew up with are taught by a lot of things in our surroundings, from family members to friends and the media. Having an open mind about all the issues that exist for both and accepting that not only women suffer from sexism is a great starting point. Women and men are different, of course, they are! But being 'built' differently shouldn't be seen as something negative. We are all humans, we all have a heart and a soul with a unique personality and have gone through a variety of experiences - none of us is less than the other in any way or for any kind of reason."
#4
Interacting with children in public. I.E. a lost child, if a man tries to help, he is perceived as creepy at best, predatory at worst. While a female is just seen as caring and compassionate.
#5
Somehow when it comes to kids the mom is more important, one of my good friends is having a rough breakup after his girlfriend of 10+ years went on a retreat with her friends from college. She f**ked 10+ guys, got pregnant and did not know who, got agressive when my friend tried to reason with her because of the kids (they have 2, 4 year old and a 2 year old) and hit him hard enough in the face to chip a tooth. When they seperated he filed for custody since, the judge called in favor of her, even after blaming the [intimacy] vacation on the copious amounts of drugs she did while she was at the retreat. She seemed a better parent to have sole custody over a boring dude that has a stable job, loves his kids more than anything and even after this whole ordeal did not want to destroy the ex for ruining his life.
The debate over how and why men and women are different and what that means for their roles in society has been around for a long time and it's far from settled.
According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans say men and women are basically different in the way they express their feelings, their physical abilities, their personal interests, and their approach to parenting.
But there is no public consensus on the origins of these differences—while women who perceive differences generally attribute them to societal expectations, men tend to point to biology.
#6
My highschool girlfriend physically attacked me the day I broke up with her. In retrospect there were red flags but at the time it was completely unexpected. She clawed at my face and sank her teeth into the inside of my thigh next to the groin. I had to punch her arm with all of my strength to get her to let go of me. It was horrible. With the exception of my mom, no one I told gave the slightest s*** about what had happened. In fact, I had to spend weeks concerned she would tell someone I'd victimized her. She left threatening voicemails and stalked me at work for a couple of months afterwards. I also got a series of mysterious flat tires. Again, no one cares. You're a man and you need to look after yourself.
#7
women i know will often say they don’t like my beard. If I said to a lady I didn’t like something about their appearance, that would be awful.
Coming back to societal expectations, most men say men in general face at least some pressure to be emotionally strong (86%) and to be interested in sports (71%); about six-in-ten (57%) believe men face pressure to be willing to throw a punch if provoked, while smaller but sizable shares of men say men face pressure to join in when other men are talking about women in a sexual way (45%) and to have many sexual partners (40%).
Personally, ENTPain thinks that sexism and the unrealistic expectation of what 'a manly man' is supposed to be or what he is supposed to do are things that have a big negative impact on men.
And the Redditor has a point. Sociologist Raewyn Connell theorizes that common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control.
If we follow this line of thinking, we see that male violence doesn't come from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Instead, it stems from these men's social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.
#8
Calling a child cute. A child was being very playful in the store, and I (19M) mentioned to my friends "what a cute kid" and they all called me creepy. She was literally playing with a store product and stuffed animal talking in baby voice. If you think it's creepy to acknowledge that that is cute, then it's not me who's acting creepy
#9
I read a newspaper once that had two articles about teachers having [intimacy] with students. The female teacher was on the front page. Her picture was a scantly clad [attractive] Facebook profile pic. The headline read “HOT FOR TEACHER?”. The male teacher article was on page 8. Showed his gnarly mugshot and the headline said something along the lines of “sick child molester deserves a fate worse than death”.
ENTPain would love to experience a time with no gender double standards, but the Redditor thinks it's very hard to achieve because of the weight of all the wrong perspectives and ideas about men and women that we have been carrying through so many generations.
"Is it impossible? I don't think so. It may sound cliché, but the change starts with each and every one of us; when we become more open-minded, stop judging, and start understanding and listening."
"Something that maybe I would like to add, and this goes for women and men: please be supportive of people around you! It doesn't matter what's their [intimacy] or gender - we are all humans at the end of the day. We all have feelings and we all have the right to have our beliefs, boundaries, identities, orientations, and any other thing that is a part of us respected and validated."
"Please listen to what the people around you have to say, be kind, and show yourself as a person who anyone can count on - that is rare nowadays. Break the stigma and give yourself the chance of understanding and validating others - let them vent about their problems, their insecurities, their fears, and their feelings," the Redditor said. "You don't need to be a psychologist to help someone. I'm a psychologist myself and I can assure you, as long as you give the first step towards making a difference, you're starting to change little by little the world for those around you. You are making their burdens a little less heavy by just being there for them."
#10
Hitting your partner. I'm female (couldn't help but post) and I'm so f****** angry that girls are given a slap on the wrist for being abusive. But if a guy does it everyone loses their mind
#11
Last Christmas I went to waddesdon in Oxfordshire (UK) with my family to see the Christmas lights. When we got to the toilets I found that they had changed both male and female toilets to be female and moved men to plastic construction site style portaloos. These had no lights or running water. I was looking to change my infant sons nappy but couldn’t because baby changing facilities were in the toilets. When I complained I was told that one of the portaloos had a plastic shelf I could have used and that it was a “practical solution to reducing queuing for the female toilets” because they tried adding the toilets for everyone but the women would rather queue up for the real toilets, so their solution was to force men to use them. Just imagine if they had done this the other way around?! I feel sorry for single dads and gay couples with children .
#12
Girls would grab my b**t all the time in high school, even a girl that was underage, when I was 18 lol. If I grabbed her b**t I’d risk jail time.
#13
Not a guy, but I’ve noticed women are literally allowed to flash people in public or sexually harass people and they almost never get face a consequence
#14
Having zero interest in sport Im often ask which team I support by other men who are genuinely surprised that I couldn't care less. Ive worked in an office where all the social events geared towards the men in the office involved sports. I didn't really want to go on a golf day. I cant play golf and didn't want to go along just to make sure that Dave from accounts didn't end up being last like he does every year. I'd rather have joined the ladies who'd decided to have a spa day for their social event. A massage and hot tub is far more appealing than chasing after a ball but I couldn't be bothered with the grief I'd have got if I'd joined them, and I dont think the ladies wanted a man coming on their pamper day. So I ended up staying at the office and answering the phones
#16
Sexual assault. Specifically when it’s unwarranted touching/gr*ping from girls on a night out or “just having fun”. If a guy does it it’s justifiably vilified, but the guy is usually told/asked if they’re gay or a [private part] to not want to be touched by a girl even if it’s unwanted.
#17
Being broke. Totally fine for a girl to be struggling, but try dating as a broke guy. You're gonna have a bad time.
#18
Liking fruity/sweet alcoholic drinks. I like them and some whiskeys. Can’t stand beer. Makes my stomach turn after half a bottle but can handle a few fruity/sweet drinks no problem.
#19
Crying, domestic violence and sexual assault If a man does it he's a [private part], an abuser and a [abuser] If a woman does it she's brave, strong and has a right to do what she wants on you because "Women have been oppressed long enough. Give us a pass" (someone really said that once) There are way more double standards like working in a kindergarten or sitting on a park bench with a kids playground nearby. Men will be seen as pedophiles while women are very normal in that field, completely ignoring that anyone can be a p*******e
#20
Having my court ordered access to my child blocked by her mother, for literally any reason at all, zero consequences. If I block access to the same child to the female parent, suddenly it’s a kidnapping and my photo would be all over the news.
#24
If a girl gets drunk and sleeps with a guy she can claim she was taken advantage of. If the same guy is also drunk he can't say the same thing. People will believe the girl in that situation typically.
#25
Taking my bro (16 ys difference) to a pool or an amusement park ... even if my stepmom is there , weird looks
#26
Hetero dude here, went shopping with the kids today and saw a gorgeous pink pearl new Accord, and had to park next to it to get a closer look. Woman was getting into it and just had a confused look when I told her how incredibly awesome I thought it looked.
#27
Stalking or being "creepy" in general seems to be fine if you are a girl, but not if you are a guy I have a girl friend who openly admits to having folders on her phone filled with photoes of random people like her teachers from univerity (male ones) and I have never heard anybody saying its inappropriate
#28
Obese woman are called plus size and glorified whilst obese man are called fat a*s or other degrading terms.
#29
Gaslighting. For some reason it feels like any woman can Gaslight on a whim and guys have to take everything at face value due to the fact it is frowned upon to never given them the benefit of the doubt
#30
If a girl is wronged by a man she has every right to fear men. It’s called PTSD. if a man is wronged by a woman, he is considered to be a misogynist.
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