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New Mom Demands To Be A Stay-At-Home Mom, Regrets It After Her Husband Divorces Her
Having a stay-at-home parent can be a great blessing for a family. No need to pay for daycare, the child gets plenty of quality time with Mom and Dad, and the parent who stays home will likely be able to keep the house tidy and prepare healthy meals for the whole family. But this arrangement can only work if both parents are on board.
Below, you’ll find a story that one frustrated father shared on Reddit detailing how pressure from his wife to become a single-income family ended up ruining their marriage. And keep reading to also find a conversation about this situation with Virginia Gilbert, LMFT, and some of the replies readers left the author.
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After having their first child, this man and his partner agreed that both parents would be back at work within a year
Image credits: nebojsa_ki (not the actual photo)
But when his wife decided she never wanted to return to her job, their marriage quickly fell apart
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Later, the father updated his post and replied to some of the comments he had received
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Some readers were skeptical about the legitimacy of the post, so the father responded again
Image source: Otherwise-Time-1404
The majority of families in the United States are dual-income
The majority of families in the United States are dual-income, as surviving off only one parent’s paycheck is impossible for many. According to the Pew Research Center, only 18% of American parents did not work in 2021, including 26% of mothers and 7% of fathers.
While moms are more likely to stay home than fathers, 60% of Americans believe that the best case scenario for families is when one parent doesn’t have to work. Moms who get to stay home do spend considerably more time per week on housework and childcare than working mothers, but they also report having 11 more hours a week for leisure and 5 more hours of sleep.
In fact, the number of stay-at-home mothers in the US has been on the rise in recent years, largely due to the cost of childcare. And according to a survey from Motherly, over half of working moms have considered quitting their jobs due to childcare expenses. 64% of stay-at-home moms say that they would require flexible hours if they were to return to work, and two thirds of moms told Motherly they spend $1,000 or more on childcare every month.
“When one person feels that they are being used for money, or their financial contributions aren’t fully appreciated, resentment can build to the point of no return”
To gain more insight on this specific situation, we reached out to therapist and author of Transcending High-Conflict Divorce: How to Disengage from Your Ex and Find Your Power, Virginia Gilbert, LMFT. Virginia was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how common it is for couples to argue over issues such as this. “Disagreements over finances– which was one of the core issues in this couple’s split, because the husband felt they couldn’t comfortably afford to live on only his salary– are one of the top reasons people divorce,” the expert shared. “People often don’t realize they have different financial values, and when one person feels that they are being used for money, or their financial contributions aren’t fully appreciated, resentment can build to the point of no return.”
Because of this, Virginia says it’s important for couples to thoroughly discuss how they envision life together before tying the knot. “Many people get hooked on ‘feelings’ and the fantasy of marriage without understanding the teamwork and compromise needed to sustain a successful life partnership,” the therapist explained. “Many women want to stay at home full-time, but it’s often just not realistic to raise a family on only one income. Getting on the same page before you walk down the aisle will prevent conflict later on– or make you realize you shouldn’t get married!”
We were also curious if Virginia believes divorce was the right choice in this situation. “It sounds like there was a real lack of respect and flexibility in this marriage,” she told Bored Panda. “The husband repeatedly tried to communicate with his wife, but it seems that she shut him down because she was unwilling to consider his feelings and concerns. It’s almost impossible to have a healthy marriage when resentment and rigidity take hold, and if they’d stayed together, the child likely would have picked up on his parents’ animosity for each other.”
“Both of them need to separate their personal feelings from their new job as, essentially, business partners, which is what co-parents are,” Virginia went on to explain. “You don’t have to like your co-parent to be able to communicate effectively. They both need to manage their emotional reactivity and calm down before trying to communicate with each other. When they do communicate, they need to eliminate any emotion, subjective opinions, or parenting advice and stick to facts and logistics.”
“Staying mired in blame will drive conflict,” the expert added. “The best thing they can do for their child is focus on things they can each control, which is their own behavior, not the other person.”
Having a single breadwinner can put an unhealthy amount of pressure on one parent
While having a parent stay home can be beneficial for a child’s development and their bond with that parent, it can also put a huge strain on the other parent who has become the sole breadwinner. Having one income places additional pressure on one parent to excel at work, which can cause them stress. If they lose their job, it affects the entire family, which can be a huge weight to bear.
Research shows that children can be negatively impacted when their parents are experiencing financial stress, and when one parent is at work all of the time, they hardly have any time left to spend with their little ones. Children may feel disconnected from the working parent or start to favor one parent, depending on how each treats them when they get to spend time together.
Nowadays, stay-at-home fathers are becoming more common, but there’s still an overwhelming pressure in many societies for dads to be the breadwinners, which can add a lot of stress to fathers’ lives. One study from sociologists at the University of Connecticut found that the greater share of economic responsibility a father takes on, the more they report experiencing strains on their health and wellbeing.
Work-related pressures and financial pressures are also two of the most significant reasons men cite for their mental health issues. Before deciding if one parent should stay at home, it’s important for both parties to be on the same page. It impacts the entire family financially and emotionally to go from dual to single-income, so it’s not a decision that should be taken lightly or made by one person.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this father was right to get a divorce? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing stay-at-home parents, we recommend checking out this one next.
Many readers agreed with the dad’s decision to file for divorce
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What do you think ?
RomanceRadish 3 months ago (edited)
If you're not aware- daycare often costs more than rent/mortgage.
FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago
But this isn't new, as terrible as it is, it's a known cost, so factor that into baby plans. In the US you can thank Ronaldo Reagan for scuppering universal childcare to appease the religious right who didn't want women out of the home.
Load More Replies...
FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago (edited)
OP has done all the right things. In a good marriage, big decisions are team decisions, not sudden whims with no regard for the effects on the other Much better to split and give the kid time with both parents who have enough space not to be actively trying not to be hostile. Plus grandma as day care should ease the minds of all the people crying out for one stable female and familial presence during the day, but this comes with a bonus of being able to see dad at night. Ex has shown herself again and again to be petty and self centred, so getting the child away from her at least 50% of the time is definitely better
Marianne 3 months ago
NTA. This is so sad, because everything could have been prevented by good communication and taking into account your partner's feelings and needs. I do understand why she didn't want to put her baby in daycare at 6 months old, even when that was their agreement. That's tiny! And I also felt the need to be around my child at that age. (Luckily, I live in a country that provides up to 3 years of parental leave.) But then, she should have listened to her husband. My husband was also horrified by the idea of being a sole breadwinner and that's why we agreed that I would start to work again after 2 years, when I felt that our child was big enough to be in daycare. If you dismiss your partner's feelings and make your financial situation his burden (80 hours of work is crazy, the EU allows 48 for employees!), then you do not deserve to be married.
Deborah B 3 months ago
Wanting to be a SAHM is one thing - but expecting the other parent to not have a say, but to still provide 100% of the financial support is quite another. One parent staying home full time has to be a joint decision in a relationship. It also sounds like the ex needs to downsize to a single-parent lifestyle instead of trying to maintain a two-income home on one income. Her financial struggles seem to be self-inflicted, if grandma is still willing to provide free childcare, and she's refusing to give up the married house.
KatSaidWhat 3 months ago
100% of financial support and all the cleaning and cooking...
Load More Replies...
Papa 3 months ago
Initially I was thinking that OP was in the wrong for not wanting to work extra so the child wouldn't have to go to daycare, but my mind changed when I saw that he was also doing most of the cooking and other housework. His wife wanted the benefits of being a stay-at-home mother without the responsibilities.
Motivated sloth 3 months ago
Not wanting to work 80 hours a week is reason enough for this man to file. The other things on top of it just make the woman an absolute nut job. I wonder what the dynamic in the relationship was before the baby. I’d bet she always got her way or behaved like a child.
Load More Replies...
FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago
I suspect she got fired came up with a cover story and wouldn't back down.
KatSaidWhat 3 months ago
I'm on his side here. She decided that she was going to solely look after the child, he had to work 80+ hours and then do all the housework and get deprived of time with his child. They could have come to an amicable solution but she had no intention of compromising. So I would have walked away too.
Zoe Vokes 3 months ago
If this is true then NTA, but he’s claiming to work 80 hour weeks (13 hour days, 6 days a week), then 28 hours of house care, seeing child for 12 hours… it just seems unbelievable. Either very exaggerated or not true in my opinion
iseefractals 3 months ago
My wife and i don't have kids, but we do have our own business. Our busy time is from october through march, during which we're putting in 16-18 hour days 6 days a week, the rest of the year it's more like 12-14. Sunday's, we go to my Mother's place for 4 or 5 hours, during which i'll do the cooking, my wife who is incapable of sitting still will "tidy" up.....the rest of the day is spent working. My wife does the cleaning (i hate it) i do the cooking (she hates it) I also do my moms shopping, pay her bills and whatever other random maintenance issues, and i spend a minimum of an hour a day caring for the army of stray cats and dogs within a 2 block radius of our apartment (food, water, medications and general affection) on top of the 6 cats we have inside. It's 2:30 am, i'm writing this in-between running off orders on our laser engraver, if i get 3 hours of sleep per night, it's a lot, my wife manages a little bit more at 4 to 5 hours. This has been our pace for more than a decade.
Load More Replies... RomanceRadish 3 months ago (edited)
If you're not aware- daycare often costs more than rent/mortgage.
FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago
But this isn't new, as terrible as it is, it's a known cost, so factor that into baby plans. In the US you can thank Ronaldo Reagan for scuppering universal childcare to appease the religious right who didn't want women out of the home.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago (edited)
OP has done all the right things. In a good marriage, big decisions are team decisions, not sudden whims with no regard for the effects on the other Much better to split and give the kid time with both parents who have enough space not to be actively trying not to be hostile. Plus grandma as day care should ease the minds of all the people crying out for one stable female and familial presence during the day, but this comes with a bonus of being able to see dad at night. Ex has shown herself again and again to be petty and self centred, so getting the child away from her at least 50% of the time is definitely better
Marianne 3 months ago
NTA. This is so sad, because everything could have been prevented by good communication and taking into account your partner's feelings and needs. I do understand why she didn't want to put her baby in daycare at 6 months old, even when that was their agreement. That's tiny! And I also felt the need to be around my child at that age. (Luckily, I live in a country that provides up to 3 years of parental leave.) But then, she should have listened to her husband. My husband was also horrified by the idea of being a sole breadwinner and that's why we agreed that I would start to work again after 2 years, when I felt that our child was big enough to be in daycare. If you dismiss your partner's feelings and make your financial situation his burden (80 hours of work is crazy, the EU allows 48 for employees!), then you do not deserve to be married.
Deborah B 3 months ago
Wanting to be a SAHM is one thing - but expecting the other parent to not have a say, but to still provide 100% of the financial support is quite another. One parent staying home full time has to be a joint decision in a relationship. It also sounds like the ex needs to downsize to a single-parent lifestyle instead of trying to maintain a two-income home on one income. Her financial struggles seem to be self-inflicted, if grandma is still willing to provide free childcare, and she's refusing to give up the married house.
KatSaidWhat 3 months ago
100% of financial support and all the cleaning and cooking...
Load More Replies... Papa 3 months ago
Initially I was thinking that OP was in the wrong for not wanting to work extra so the child wouldn't have to go to daycare, but my mind changed when I saw that he was also doing most of the cooking and other housework. His wife wanted the benefits of being a stay-at-home mother without the responsibilities.
Motivated sloth 3 months ago
Not wanting to work 80 hours a week is reason enough for this man to file. The other things on top of it just make the woman an absolute nut job. I wonder what the dynamic in the relationship was before the baby. I’d bet she always got her way or behaved like a child.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 3 months ago
I suspect she got fired came up with a cover story and wouldn't back down.
KatSaidWhat 3 months ago
I'm on his side here. She decided that she was going to solely look after the child, he had to work 80+ hours and then do all the housework and get deprived of time with his child. They could have come to an amicable solution but she had no intention of compromising. So I would have walked away too.
Zoe Vokes 3 months ago
If this is true then NTA, but he’s claiming to work 80 hour weeks (13 hour days, 6 days a week), then 28 hours of house care, seeing child for 12 hours… it just seems unbelievable. Either very exaggerated or not true in my opinion
iseefractals 3 months ago
My wife and i don't have kids, but we do have our own business. Our busy time is from october through march, during which we're putting in 16-18 hour days 6 days a week, the rest of the year it's more like 12-14. Sunday's, we go to my Mother's place for 4 or 5 hours, during which i'll do the cooking, my wife who is incapable of sitting still will "tidy" up.....the rest of the day is spent working. My wife does the cleaning (i hate it) i do the cooking (she hates it) I also do my moms shopping, pay her bills and whatever other random maintenance issues, and i spend a minimum of an hour a day caring for the army of stray cats and dogs within a 2 block radius of our apartment (food, water, medications and general affection) on top of the 6 cats we have inside. It's 2:30 am, i'm writing this in-between running off orders on our laser engraver, if i get 3 hours of sleep per night, it's a lot, my wife manages a little bit more at 4 to 5 hours. This has been our pace for more than a decade.
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