Woman Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Making Homemade Food For Everyone Except My Brother’s Stepdaughter?”
There are not too many things without which people can’t survive. They include air, water, food and warmth. So why can some of them also kill us? Food is especially dangerous because we don’t even know that it can kill us until we try it and get an unpleasant reaction or even get hospitalized.
Food allergies are no joke and this person knows it very well, so she didn’t even try to make a meal for her brother’s stepdaughter, fearing that she might cross-contaminate something and the girl would end up in the hospital. However, her brother didn’t appreciate her cooking for everyone else but buying takeaway for his stepdaughter.
More info: Reddit
Woman thought she was doing the right thing by not cooking for her step-niece with severe food allergies but her brother was actually mad
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The Original Poster (OP) likes to cook and is pretty good at it, especially because she took some cooking classes. Her friends and family know about it, so she is happy to host dinners and serve them meals she cooked.
Recently there was an occasion for the family to gather as the OP’s parents were celebrating their wedding anniversary. Besides the parents, the woman invited close family friends, her brother, her brother’s wife, the wife’s daughter from her previous marriage, her sister and the sister’s family.
The author of the post is pretty passionate about cooking and will host dinners for family and friends quite often
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The dinner was pretty impressive as it included 5 courses, but the OP didn’t make anything for her brother’s stepdaughter. The 9-year-old girl, Becca, has a severe dairy and gluten allergy and carries an epi-pen at all times.
The woman’s brother told her that once Becca was hospitalized because the place they were eating at used the same wooden spoon for her gluten-free pasta that they did for regular pasta and it didn’t matter that the spoon was washed in between uses.
Seeing that the OP has ADHD and gets distracted easily, she didn’t trust herself to prepare a meal that is completely gluten-free and dairy-free. Also, she doesn’t have a dishwasher, so she wasn’t sure she could make sure there wasn’t any gluten or dairy residue on her utensils and bowls.
She was preparing for her parents’ wedding anniversary celebration and was cooking a fancy 5-course meal
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Despite loving a cooking challenge in general, this time the OP was not willing to risk someone’s health, so that is why the woman chose a restaurant that specialized in allergen-free food and bought her a meal from there.
Becca was happy with the meal, but her mom didn’t hide that she was disappointed. She whispered something in her husband’s ear, so he asked to talk with his sister.
Turns out, the brother’s wife was very unhappy about OP excluding her and making her eat takeout when she cooked this lavish dinner for everyone else.
The brother was so angry that the sister couldn’t even say a word and explain that she thought this was the safest way to serve Becca dinner. He was worried about how disappointed Becca would feel as he and his wife were praising how well her step-aunt can cook.
However, her brother’s stepdaughter has a severe allergy to even microscopic amounts of dairy and gluten
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After the confrontation, the brother and his family left, which brought the whole family’s mood down. The woman can’t help but wonder where she went wrong, as she was just trying to look out for Becca but was accused of not accepting her as family instead.
That really upset the OP because she didn’t even think that the girl’s parents would expect her to cook, as she already once refused to bake a birthday cake for Becca and explained that she doesn’t have the measures to ensure the food is safe.
However, the woman received compassion from strangers on the internet as they believed she was very thoughtful. She knew her limitations, both physical and mental and after evaluating them, decided it is not in her competence, especially when she knew what serious consequences a mistake can cause.
She didn’t trust herself with cooking a safe meal for her, so she looked for a restaurant that specialized in allergen-free food to order for her
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The public sector food body for Scotland, Food Standards Scotland gives general guidelines of how to cook for people with allergies: “Before you start preparing food, clean all work surfaces and equipment thoroughly using hot, soapy water to remove traces of anything you might have cooked before. Keep allergens separate from other foods and follow advice for avoiding cross-contact in the kitchen. Double check ingredients listed on pre-packed foods e.g. sauces for allergens.”
Queensland Government adds that to prevent cross-contamination, you should also make sure that everyone in the house is washing their hands before and after meals, and don’t use utensils that are hard to clean, like toasters. They suggest cooking the food for the person with an allergy first and then keeping it covered and separate. If they are using ingredients from communal jars like jam, it is best to buy a new one because, for example, you could have left crumbs containing dairy or gluten or nuts.
When the parents saw their daughter’s meal, they interpreted it as a sign that the woman doesn’t accept the girl as family
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It is a lot of work for just one person and if you accidentally don’t wash something thoroughly or get distracted and forget a step, it won’t just make a person upset they ate something that they usually don’t, but it is actually a risk to someone’s health or even life.
The OP mentioned in the comments that if Becca consumes even the tiniest particle of dairy products, it causes anaphylactic shock. It also takes a very minuscule amount of gluten to cause the girl stomach cramps and make her vomit.
They didn’t allow her to explain that she was actually just looking out for the guest’s health, and left the dinner early
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Do you think the OP still could have put in more effort in order to not make Becca feel left out? Do you think such treatment could have made the girl feel left out when she knows she can’t eat the same as everyone else because of her allergies? What do you think of her mom and stepdad’s reaction? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
People in the comments accepted the woman’s reasons and considered her to be thoughtful for knowing her limitations and not risking it
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Sounds like the issue was not the food but Cheryl pushing her husband away from the family. The fact she was his boss is also a bit of a red flag as its unethical and manipulative to pursue a subordinate like that. Seems like the kid was fine with the food.
Yup. My brother had a girlfriend like that when he was younger. Us siblings had always been close and close to our mom but for a couple years we hardly talked at all. I was so glad when he dumped that b***h.
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Geez, she obviously went to a lot of trouble and probably great expense to provide the child with a delicious and safe meal, and that’s how they treated her efforts. Plus they ruined the dinner party for everyone else. I hope they came to their senses and apologized big time later on. I wouldn’t have wanted to make her a meal from scratch either in case something went wrong and she had a reaction. It would be so devastating and stressful.
If she goes so far as to carry an epi-pen, it sounds like a misstep could actually be deadly.
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I would offer to cook them a meal at their home, maybe with Becca and her mom as assistants. That way no contaminated gear/supplies, mom is there to make sure the food is safe, and the three of you get to do something fun together. Could help smooth things out with the mom.
No. Drop this deadwood. No further accommodations. Tell the mom that she must now bring her child all foods from this point forward. Your family is open to discuss menu planning with this girl. But the mom is out of the picture. As for your brother ... can you make that chain sound that indictates he's whipped. Do that. A lot.
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My sister was diagnosed with celiac for 10 years. It turned out to be something different but she is extremely sensitive to gluten. It is insane how easy cross contamination is and how hard it is to sanitize your kitchen. Her reaction was severe indigestion and flaring up of her other auto immune disorders. I wouldn't even cook for her and she'd bring her own meals to eat at celebrations/get togethers. Other people would try to cook for her, she'd be grateful of the effort, but wouldn't eat it with just "mild" reactions compared to Becca. You definitely need to know what you are looking for, the different names for ingredients containing gluten on TOP of avoiding dairy. Milk powder is used in a lot of stuff. I'm lactose intolerant and I definitely wouldn't cook for someone with a milk allergy unless I was making spaghetti. I have too much milk, I'm stuck in the bathroom for a while. Someone with a dairy allergy severe enough the need an epipen... No thank you. I'll leave that to the pros
Becca is 9, she wouldn't care. She's used to having different food than everyone else. Did she even realize it wasn't "auntie-cooked" before her mom made a big deal about it?
That's what I want to know, how did they know OP didn't make the meal? I'm sure she didn't leave it in the container from the restaurant. And so what if it was something different, I'm sure that little girl is used to eating different foods then everyone else. The mother just wanted to start trouble.
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Keto and allergies are two extremes. NTA. If I had someone who would cook Keto for me, I would really thank them and would not check the macros but I would not be offended if they had brought a meal from a restaurant to accommodate my long list of allergies. Usually I just gave my worst ones and bring my charcoal with me, just in case. I'm still the one responsible for either my children or my allergies. My husband only has one and easily passed over (mussels).
Cheryl is either super narcissistic, or incredibly jealous one. She is 99.9% likely to be jealous of you cooking, and you not being lazy to do it. When there is jealousy of this kind, it likely extends all the way on everything you are, and everything you have achieved, and are in possession. That is a major reason one tries to drive a spouse alienated from his family. You are better off cutting it out, and instead cooking for homeless. Seriously, you will get more appreciation there. You did everything right, blaming you here is as dumb, as dumb goes. Epi pen emergency is a horrendous thing, and they do not survive it every time, even with epi pen used! Your siL is... Unworthy of your family and attention, for her dumb, self loving acts. Unless she repents this, don't let her a mile close near your family Not feeling any reserved to leave, and screw the party feeling for everyone else is a major tell, as narcissistic, as jealous and inconsiderate as it gets. What a shame on your siL! You did every single thing right, considering what you knew up to the moment. Incredibly caring and considerate of you, and the extra expense it cost you to get Becca that meal, you are a champ. Your siL is a garbage personality, and evidently not a good wife material, as she did screw up the party for her husband a daughter first, and clueless, isn't she
Cheryl doesn't seem to be good mother material either since she's so willing to put her child's life at risk that way.
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I'm not diagnosed, however I have seen other people with ADHD. I know this guy made the right choice, he probably saved their daughter from a severe allergic reaction. He's NTA. In fact, he could be a hero lol. It's funny how the person with allergies was just fine with it, I would be too, but the people who it doesn't affect directly act offended. Ridiculous.
I believe you may have attention deficit disorder as your answer didn't mirror the OP's situation. The OP provided an entire menu for the step daughter prepared by a specialty gluten-free, dairy-free, nut free restaurant so that the stepdaughter would not have a severe allergic reaction as her kitchen is not dairy-free, nut free, or gluten-free and she was afraid she could not properly decontaminate her kitchen. So rather than stress and worry that she may make the girl very sick. She went out of her way to find that specialty restaurant that would keep the girl safe and healthy. The brother did not save his stepdaughter from anything except for eating a good meal purchased at his sister's expense from a specialty restaurant. However, I do agree with you, and find it amusing that the daughter was good with the meal while it was the mother who was offended.
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Welp this is kind a new one in me. The person with the restriction was fine but her step daddy was not, seems like he has the look at me I am different cater to my needs problem along with the mother. My answer would be don't like my food or what I do to accommodate your crotch fruits problems stay the f**k home. I will not be inviting you or your family to functions again if what I decide to do for MY party isn't good enough. Take your crotch fruit, whiney assed wife, and your entitled a*s and go p**s off.
I'm just going to use actions to speak to those horrible people who were annoyed that someone was concerned for their child's health and just say... peridot-63...c06fc.jpeg 
OP is absolutely NTA!! They went above & beyond, researching a safe restaurant & even PAYING for Becca's extra meal out of their own pocket! And little Becca had no complaints! But the mom, Cheryl, decided this wasn't good enough for her little precious? Becca wasn't being left out by not eating the same as the others (as I said *SHE* wasn't bothered; she just started eating w/o a care in the world). In fact, contrary to that, she was treated better than the others, because she was catered to! And for a VERY good reason. It was Cheryl who created a pointless issue, for NO reason. She should be GRATEFUL that OP was so very concerned about her daughter's health. Instead, she had to throw a fit, make a scene-& alienate brother. I agree w/whoever said she sounds narcissistic, she's controlling, & attention-seeking. And brother is either pússywhipped, a wimp, or completely henpecked. Though, as angry as OP says he was, I'd say it's the first option. Cheryl has manipulated him to see only HER way. Also, as someone with ADHD myself, I totally understand OP's worries about herself, in that regard. Again, NTA!!!!
With situations like this, it’s always important to balance the safety of all diners, the feelings of visitors, and what can be reasonably expected of the hosts. In this instance, it would not have been safe to make a separate meal; it would not have been practical to make a separate meal; and the OP’s solution involved the host going to additional expense to provide a meal which the girl was happy with. The only required change would have been to make the sister-in-law sit outside, alone, in the rain, whilst everyone else enjoyed a pleasant meal.
As someone with both gluten-dairy sensitivities and ADHD- definitely NTA.
Cheryl is an idiot. She had a choice how to spin this. For a start, if her daughter didn't think it was an issue she made it one herself. However, she should have spun it the other way and taken it as "oh how nice of you to go to the effort of ordering food so myself and my child can enjoy the meal without worrying about her dying". I'm being extreme but hopefully you know what I mean. Cheryl did actually have a choice how to react here and she chose the negative route
Bad parenting. The OP is definitely not the AH. I have dietary restrictions and when I go over to share meals with friends, I just bring my own food. Also my own dishes. These parents need to start taking responsibility for their own child.
I was so ready to YTA this one until she stated that she wasn't comfortable/sure if she could safely make the kid's food. Seeing how much else she DID make, it's completely understandable. If you know someone has such a severe allergy to something that you can't accommodate for whatever reason, delegating to someone who can is ABSOLUTELY the right/safe thing to do. Brother and wife are TA. They handled it so poorly. That poor kid is going to grow up ostracized because of them if they keep this up. OP is NTA 3000. Handled it perfectly.
My friend's son had a peanut allergy, they carried an epi pen. He was not allowed to go to other houses for play dates, because of the many close calls they had had. So we all accepted that and she hosted play date and she provided all the snacks. We all respected her request that our kids not eat peanut products the day of the playdate and that they wash their hands when they got to her home. We all respected her and her concerns. How Cheryl was not equally concerned is beyond me. Parents who have to carry an epi pen are usually hypervigilant.
NTA! I have a son with a dairy allergy (not life threatening) and I used to bring food for him when we'd go to parties. Parents need to be prepared when they have kids with allergies; it's their responsibility not the host's.
the kitchen, the counter, the pans, the spoons and measuring cups she uses could all have levels of contaminates that could have made Becca very sick. The OP did the right thing by contacting a restaurant that specializes in this kind of cooking--you can bet it is up to code for Becca's needs. NTA--not only that, but the OP should not be asked to put herself in this position. PLUS that dinner for Becca would have been super expensive.
NTA OP did her best to cater for everyone. Even her step-niece. It's always better be safe than sorry. I seriously think it's not about the food. People would normally appreciate that you could provide the right food for their allergic family members. It feels weird that they could get angry with OP.
NTA. The special requirements of one guest were catered for with nutritious and tasty food. I suspect that the childs mother had another agenda as the way she acted would only be acceptable if no food was provided for her daughter.
Sounds like Cheryl was looking for an excuse to cause trouble. My sister has celiac and she doesn't trust anyone to prepare her food, she even has her own toaster and brings her own food to gatherings. I guarantee if the OP had prepared food for the kid Cheryl would have grilled her about the prep and still left.
I have a severe gluten allergy and have been left out of many family events and gatherings because people couldn't be bothered to cook safely for me. That being said, if you were using gluten in other things you were preparing for such a large party of people, it would have been virtually impossible for you-a person who does not live with a food allergy or regularly cook for this allergy- to ensure there was no cross contamination. What you did was provide a catered meal for someone with a food allergy attending your gathering, which is the kindest, most considerate thing you could have done short of making the entire meal dairy and gluten free. You did the right thing. Your brother and his wife made inappropriate assumptions about what this meal would be, as they did not bother to discuss it with you ahead of time. They didn't do their job as parents and got angry when things didn't magically turn out the way they envisioned they would. This wasn't your fault.
Even if she made the whole meal GF, it still wouldn't have been safe. She said somewhere that she bakes often, and has no dishwasher. Cross-contamination city!
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I have Celiac. This woman said that she often bakes in her kitchen and has no dishwasher. There's no way that she can avoid cross-contamination. I think that the person who suggested cooking in the stepdaughter's had the best idea. The sister-in-law is toxic, but she should at least give it one more chance.
NTA, you went the safe route which is the route you should of gone with if you were unsure. They are being ridiculous, it’s not like you didn’t have any food for Becca to eat and completely forgot about her. You actually were super caring and went out of your way to have a meal she can eat made by a place that knew what they were doing for allergy restrictions and picked it up in time to serve it to her. They are the a******s.
The headline was misleading, what she did was really considerate. Cheryl is a manipulative cow and her brother is a jackass.
Wow. Getting yelled at for actually giving a s**t about the poor girl's health. OP absolutely did the right thing making sure the kid had a meal that was safe.
You sound very kind and thoughtful. The mom is awful... and why is it that stupid brothers seem to always bring in obnoxious SILs. This one is repulsive. Everything you did was exactly what my dad did for me when my mom was serving a roast. It is incredibly wonderful what you planned. ❤️ Well done. Keep it up. Talk to your mom to maintain your solidarity.
I'd suggest bringing it up again with the brother to explain her reasoning behind the take out. Highlight the difference between cooking for people choosing to avoid certain foods, and cooking for a child who could have a life-threatening reaction from cross-contamination. Her kitchen is not gluten and dairy free, and due to her ADHD, she considered the risk of cross contamination to be unacceptably high. Totally NTA.
Starting with a 5 course celebration dinner is not the way to go. Invite them over, and concentrate on making a one course meal that is going to be safe. It is an immense joy when people take your dietary needs into consideration, and makes it look utterly seamless. It speaks of love and inclusivity. Speak with the family, and ask for their advice on how to include the child.
The child is so very sensitive to gluten that a wooden spoon used on regular pasta. Washed, then used on the child's pasta was enough to send her to the hospital. I don't have ADHD, nor am I easily distracted, but I wouldn't want to cook for someone that sensitive in my kitchen because it probably would send her to the hospital. Finding a restaurant that does not use dairy, gluten or nuts was a good solution. Such a restaurant would likely be spending, but worth the cost so the child could safely eat with the rest of tge family.
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Brother needs to get his balls out of Cheryl's purse. Then he needs to get someone his own age as she's looking for a boy she can control NOT a man she can be married to!
As a guy with allergies, this was the only right thing to do - the parents are asshats.
Having been in anaphylactic shock before, I don't know what this mother is thinking. Unless I do. Suppose Cheryl knew the OP made the best choice and was fine with the food but she saw a chance to stir up s**t between her husband and his family. Others have picked up on the imbalance (and possibly worse) in their relationship from the beginning and this scenario is possible if that's her goal. So Cheryl uses her husband AND her daughter to get what she wants.
I can't believe this wasn't mentioned by OP but OP /has a disability/ that affects her focus and memory. It is literally a disability, one I share. Knowing her limits, she proactively protected a child she's barely interacted with. OP is amazing and the parents are Aholes!
Let's also mention how expensive that meal she bought for the little girl. She wanted a reason to blow up. And the total disrespect to your parents and the family, both of them.
SIL is anAH for making a dinner meant to celebrate her in-laws anniversary about her. The kids was fine. SIL needs to get a grip. This was not the time to make a fuss.
It's incredibly thoughtful to ensure the safety of someone's food to that extent. Homemade items aren-t typically as stringently conforming as foods produced under regulations.
This whole situation is a hot mess. Ultimately, OP was NTA and actually took responsibility for the welfare of someone else’s child, which she didn’t have to do.
You had a ton of people coming over and a LOT to prepare already- now guests want you to do more?? Sorry- no. I am also GF (not celiac, but I get stomach problems with gluten) and I would never just assume a host is going to accommodate me. You ASK what they are serving and then work around that, if it isn't a good option for you. Geez- this sounds like you did double the work I do at Thanksgiving and you had guests who chewed you out AND left? I am sorry you had to experience that. NTA
Sorry, I didn't think it was worth the risk of killing your daughter to spare her feelings. I recognized given my own focus issues, and lack of knowledge indicated a high risk. I thought going out of my way to make sure something specializing in this to deliver something so I could ensure no cross contamation was thoughtful. Next time we'll just risk it, m'kay?!? TL;DR, NTA, but your Brother and SIL are
She was very thoughtful and responsible to order an allergy-free meal . The stepdaughter is aware of her condition and is already used to having different meals than her peers. The brother overreacted and was extremely rude. He should be thankful that she was so careful to ensure the girl had a suitable meal. He doesn't seem concerned about the fact that cross-contamination can easily occur in the kitchen.
That's gratitude for you! OP goes to great lengths to keep her niece safe, and the parents pitch a fit and stomp off to their wittle house. Seems that Becca showed a lot more maturity than her parents. Obviously Greg and Cheryl failed to understand that there's a big difference between "keto, vegan, and other complicated kinds of foods," and "foods that can actually kill you." OP, well aware of her own limitations, opted to play it safe and order takeout from a trusted restaurant. The resulting fallout would be enough incentive for me to forego preparing any food for that disagreeable pair.
It's possible nothing would have made them happy and if you had made her meal there could have been intense scrutiny on how you prepared it
Hold on. You had them pick out the meal for the kid. They were obviously aware of your intent. They had the opportunity to address this with you at that point. They didn't and left you believing it was fine (which it was). They're the problem.
OP said that SHE ordered it based on the child's allergies. She didnt have the parents pick it out. Presumably it was meant to be as close to what the rest were having as possible but safe for the child.
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NTA. Your thoughtfulness was inexplicably resented by your brother and his wife but you did absolutely nothing wrong. I can somewhat relate to your predicament because my dil whom I've tried to be friends with for years looks for some reason to be offended by something I've said or done when it's completely innocent on my part. She then gets my son on board with her unreasonable attitude accusing me of ridiculous motives. I hope you're able to reason with your brother and watch your back with your sil.
Truthfully, this event was to celebrate your parents wedding anniversary, and to get together, but they made the event about them and left. This left you all in an awkward and embarrassing moment. I'm so sad to hear that, especially since you put so much labor and effort to make such a big and elaborate meal and was willing to admit any shortcomings by picking up a meal specifically for the daughter from a professional place that deals with these meals. They should be grateful for your thoughtfulness. I usually don't like drama within the family but like a win win situation. I think having a conversation with your brother and Cheryl to make amends, and offer to cook another meal but in their kitchen, since you can't guarantee your equipment and all is but contaminated. I would look for a simple meal that is gluten and dairy free that they all can enjoy together so the daughter doesn't feel left out and may give Cheryl another meal option in the future to make for her daughter.
NTA. Let them and their sick child stay home next time. You're better than me for even ordering her anything Let alone inviting his family and their sick ash daughter to your feast. I'm sorry, I have no compassion for your brother or his 34 year old mother....OOPS I meant wife. Bc he couldn't even give you enough time to explain why she was eating take out, he just automatically wentwithwhatever his Karen ash wife whispered in his ear. NTA at all!!
We deal with food allergies in my family by working with parents to create a menu that doesn't include the offending ingredients. This way everyone is included. If they choose to bring something, that's okay but I always check.
You were NOT the A*****e. I think you were very considerate and your brother is a d**k. His wife sounds like a prize too. Let someone else cater to the family. You go visit, if you want .
Making homemade dishes for someone w/ severe food allergies & dietary restrictions is dicey. One of m' friends was deathly allergic( anaphylactic) to beans/ legumes. He'd always bring his own dinner. I would make some dishes he could eat, but made them the day b4, w/ metal utensils & on surfaces that were thoroughly cleaned. I still worried as beans/ legumes are common food items I regularly cooked otherwise. OP was absolutely right to order the girl a separate meal if she wasn't sure how to safely make it. OP was gracious & considerate. Her brother & SIL were not. SIL has an agenda & I'd limit m' dealings w/ her whenever possible. Hard NTA
Please let us know if this was resolved....AND IF your brother issued you an apology.
Brother is a disrespectful moron with a girlfriend who sounds like she offended by the smallest things then has someone else deal with it. Childish.
If my child had the same health issues as Becca, I would have been much calmer knowing that their meal came from a gluten and dairy-free restaurant!
You are definitely NTA. I have a you g family member like this child. Her diet is strictly vegan because her allergies can be so severe. Her mother and father have done an excellent job educating her and they actually prefer to handle the food prep for her themselves so no one has to worry that something has been done/not been done correctly. Expecting you to not only prepare a five course meal for everyone else in the family but also accommodate the meal prep for a child who could be severely harmed if you make a mistake is completely off the chain. The next time you offer to do something like this, don't even give the parents the option...reach out and tell them directly, in a nice way, that you do not feel comfortable keeping their daughter safe because of how easily you can be distracted so you know they will handle the child's meal
If it wasn't a life or death circumstance, I'd think that OP was trying to leave the step daughter out. Obviously that's not the case, but that's the only reason I can think of as to why anyone would be mad about that. OP didn't want to make a mistake and accidentally kill the kid, I'd say that's a perfectly valid reason to do what they did. NTA. The mom of all people should be the most understanding about that, but I guess not? I find it really strange that she puts this above her daughter's health.
NTA. I have a daughter with celiac and I can't tell you how often we've been to someone's house that says they made everything gluten free just to find out that one of their ingredients contained gluten. Cross contamination or missing just one ingredient in a sauce is so easy to do, especially if you haven't cooked with those restrictions before. As a mother, I would be incredibly grateful for the consideration that you took. Yes, sometimes my daughter feels left out if she can't have what's served, but unfortunately there's gluten in so many things and having something different is going to be a part of her life that she'll have to accept.
Definitely not the a*****e. She went out of her way to make sure the little girl could have a great meal and not possibly get sick. She was very thoughtful to do so. Cheryl and her brother are the a******s for sure though because they couldn't even bother to discuss it rationally with her and just left.
Absolutely NTA. As someone who does not have severe food allergies (I am lactose intolerant to the point that dairy does cause digestive upset, but nothing major and allergic to eggs; neither are life-threatening for me in any possible way) I would have turned her down, too. Messing up a recipe because someone is on a diet is one thing; it would cause the dieter to be irritated, but that's all. Accidentally messing up a recipe for someone who has genuine medical concerns is a risk I would be completely unable and unwilling to take. OP went above and beyond to make sure that Becca had something safe to eat. Cheryl's anger is completely unfounded.
Cheryl is your typical Bratty Insufferable Trifling Childish Harpy. I'm also lactose-intolerant, but I would never dream of imposing upon a host to accommodate me, much less acting like the aforementioned entity. OP was being beyond accommodating, providing a meal that Becca could have without complications. She even paid for it out of her own pocket, and the parents treated her like s**t! At the next family gathering, OP should just cook food as usual, and tell Greg and Cheryl to bring something for Becca, as she will be unable to accommodate her.
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My daughter has celiac and is lactose intollerant. It's a great strugle to find something safe for her to eat. You had a great solution. My 11 y.o knows, her food would probably be different from the rest of us and she is fine with it, because she has no other option. I read her this item. She told me, it would make her feel special and loved, knowing someone would take the time and effort to get her the safest option possibke, and that she wishes we had a gluten free place in our city. Best wishes and best of health to all!
I'm a gluten-free vegan, gf being a health requirement, but for my daughter, so is the vegan part, no eggs or milk allowed. If someone isn't confident about making our food, I prefer a certified restaurant. Let's be realistic, our food is always different from what the others are eating, anyway. I don't see how restaurant food isn't fancy enough and the child is certainly old enough to understand that.
My cousin has severe food allergies…this is usually how we do stuff
As a coeliac myself OP is NTA. Combine that with an allergy and she is aware of her restrictions regarding ADHD I for one, would be happy with her solution, or offer to bring my own version of the food she was serving. It’s stressful enough cooking for a large group of peopke, especially if you have a reputation for being a good cook.
As a severe allergy sufferer, 100% NTA!!! I am constantly glutened by restaurants (they don't care) and family (accidentally, but still it happens). It takes days to recover and it sucks. I think it's fantastic that you were taking this little girls allergies so seriously
You aren't the AH. I think your brother's wife is the AH and that he's a Casper Milquetoast for letting her lead him by the nose. It sounds like she's still his boss.
Putting myself in Greg's shoes... Was that the dad's name? If not, that's his name in my post. Friggin GREG pull your k**b out your wife's purse. You know what I would have done if my wife leaned over and said something like what I assume she said to him? Hey Becca? Do you like the food? When she says yes, Auntie got it specifically for you! That way you don't get sick... Isn't she thoughtful? THANK YOU AUNTIE! Then stare at my wife for a second or 2 so she knows she was being ridiculous.
Meh, I think OP's heart was in the right place but people are weird about their kids. I think the best thing to do would've been to call the girl's mom ahead of time and be like "hey look I don't trust myself to not kill your kid with my cooking and I'm thinking about getting her some takeout." At least then the mom would've known ahead of time.
NTA. Clearly you were more concerned for their daughter's health than they were that night.
I'm wonder if there's some preexisting relationship issues with in the family. I don't see how the brother could be so wrong about his sisters intentions. Totally don't think she's wrong but I'm wondering if there was so much insecurity how come there wasn't communication about the restaurant meal beforehand
She is toxic Cheryl I mean. She set you up on purpose knowing you would fail. If you made something for Becca and she was sick they would never see or speak to you again. But you didn't make anything for her you went out of your way to find her proper food for her and succeeded. You showed more care for beccas health then her mother or your brother. Shame on them and prayers for Becca she is not safe with a mother like hers. So she manipulated your brother into thinking that your caring and fore thought was exclusion when it is the height of inclusion. See you didn't have to invite them at all, you didn't even have to offer to make her someone or provide it, bit shuffled it off on them to bring when you invited them. So that's what you do. They are responsible for her health and well fair and since she has huge requirements they need to provide that for any and all functions from now on. Her expecting you to be able to not kill her daughter is her responsibility. Not yours! Tell her that is the law. If she doesn't like it? oh well sue food manufacturers.
SiL is obviously in the wrong and is likely just trying to alienate her husband's family from him. Fresh college graduate working first job where she's his several years older boss with a child. She had to have gunned for him from the get go and she's been distancing him from his family.
NTA But I disagree with the post that says you should try cooking a meal and inviting their family. The child seems fine but your brother and sister in law are AH's who stirred up drama deliberately. I'd avoid them completely.
I think that the missing piece is the lack of communication between the OP and her step-niece. She should have told her that she feared making her sick ahead of time but ensured her that she had found a restaurant and let the girl choose her meal. The OP considered the girl's health issues, but not her feelings.
Professional chef here. NTA. We even struggle to make safe food in kitchens thay are not specifically set up for and specilaize insevere allergies. Our ovens will have residue, shelves.etc. we need an allergy.list at the very least the day before. There.is no way a kitchen will have the resources necessary to sterlize the kitchen in the middle of service or create an entirely new dish. Also she is going to be eating differently than everyone else her whole life, she may as well come to terms with it. It's juat the facts if her life. Her parents are setting her up for bodily injury and constant disapointment if she doesnt learn to accept and manage her situatuon.
I mean, I get it. If I hyped my daughter by telling her about aunties cooking, and then she was served a take out while others got a 5 course fancy meal, Id feel really bad for her. They should have discussed it beforehand, either of them could have reached out. The parents assumed, from experience, that 'auntie cooks anything'. And then it was too late.
I totally get it. However, she should have discussed this with them well in advance and explain that she was so worried that she would make her sick, would the take out order from the specialty restaurant be ok with them? I guarantee if they knew the back story it wouldn't have turned out poorly. I feel for the little girl as that must be really hard not having what others enjoy. And this sets the tone for any family gatherings from here on out, make sure everyone's dietary restrictions are being met. Yes, it can be extra work, and if it's too much, don't offer to host gatherings where only some family members can attend. I cook for others and always make sure that we can all enjoy mostly the same meal and have options for those that may need them. I feel bad, and hope they can all sit down and get over this hurdle and come together as a family again.
This is one of those situations where, this woman just can't win. You're NTA, because if you cooked for her and made her sick, her mom and your brother would've been up in arms and she possibly claiming it was intentional because of your cooking skills. And if you did the take out option to prevent any accidents, it looks like she's being singled out because she has a different meal from the rest of the family and some people take very special note of the whole "we're all blood, and you're not, this is how we're gonna rub that in", even though clearly that's not the case here. If your brother had just listened for 2 seconds, he would've been able to understand your concerns and could've helped come up with a solution for future gatherings that Becca would be attending so she could always be "included", despite the fact she was never excluded to begin with.
I have a niece with severe food allergies and another with ADHD who struggles with foods and textures. understand this completely. I just make the whole meal around them, but this is definitely an acceptable route.
I have Celiac & many food allergies requiring me to carry an Epi-Pen. It is nearly impossible for me to eat anywhere but at home. To the Sister your definitely NTA, quite the opposite actually! You went above what most would do (expect parents or person w/allergies to bring own food). Your SIL seems to like to "stir the pot" as they say. I'd watch out for that one! I am a Chef & no matter how well someone can cook mistakes can be made. Good on you for knowing your limitations! 👍
I think what you did was smart I am a chef and wouldn't have taken the chance either in my own home. A place that specializes for such restrictions you are very lucky. And your family should appreciate you went out of your way to ensure her safety....As far as I'm concerned good on you
NTA! I’m a bit curious about the true motivation of your SIL as you come across as a loving, caring auntie to her child. You may consider sending them the link to this page as it will help you explain your reason for ordering takeout from an allergen-safe kitchen, but without being cutoff. You researched restaurants so that your niece would be included—you definitely sound like an amazing auntie! God bless you!
Makes you wonder... How did these Igmo's never ASK what a person wants. If I am going to spend Ffsh... money, for a kid to do, what? LOOK AT ME WITH MORE CONTEMPT than I HAVE for HER...? By the time I'm done, Your kid will ask YOU to teach her how to do dishes and vacuum... And I won't even give her My number... Ffsh...
Can you say all of that again but just a little slower please?
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I'd say, she knows her brother and SIL (and they know her) so she messed up first, to a small extent --- she should have done exactly as she did but beforehand inform them. If they don't like it they can kindly eff off, without the extra bother of prebooking a restaurant and picking up courses while doing your five course meal at home (with ADHD on top of it, enough of an endurance feat). They of course messed up big time and wouldn't be welcome back until a seriously-meant apology (not a keeping-the-peace one).
Idk. If she messed up a little by not informing them, they messed up majorly by not even inquiring on the food for the little girl. The parents are responsible for making sure their daughter has a safe, allergy-free meal. They should've been calling and asking exactly what her plans were for their daughter, or asking if they needed to bring their own food for her since she has such severe allergies. At that point they would've been informed of the allergy free restaurant that would be ordered from. My adult brother has a very restricted diet due to allergies and he is constantly calling and asking what foods are being prepared at family events and often elects to bring his own food or sides to be 100% safe, and his allergies aren't even life threatening. If this little girl carries an epi pen for food allergies, those parents should be constantly aware of the food she is being served.
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She looked out for the safety of the child. Why you think this is about her ego is beyond me, because that certainly doesn't come across in her post. She has a disability that could have put this child at risk. Admitting that is the exact OPPOSITE of being egotistic.
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Sounds like the issue was not the food but Cheryl pushing her husband away from the family. The fact she was his boss is also a bit of a red flag as its unethical and manipulative to pursue a subordinate like that. Seems like the kid was fine with the food.
Yup. My brother had a girlfriend like that when he was younger. Us siblings had always been close and close to our mom but for a couple years we hardly talked at all. I was so glad when he dumped that b***h.
Load More Replies... Geez, she obviously went to a lot of trouble and probably great expense to provide the child with a delicious and safe meal, and that’s how they treated her efforts. Plus they ruined the dinner party for everyone else. I hope they came to their senses and apologized big time later on. I wouldn’t have wanted to make her a meal from scratch either in case something went wrong and she had a reaction. It would be so devastating and stressful.
If she goes so far as to carry an epi-pen, it sounds like a misstep could actually be deadly.
Load More Replies... I would offer to cook them a meal at their home, maybe with Becca and her mom as assistants. That way no contaminated gear/supplies, mom is there to make sure the food is safe, and the three of you get to do something fun together. Could help smooth things out with the mom.
No. Drop this deadwood. No further accommodations. Tell the mom that she must now bring her child all foods from this point forward. Your family is open to discuss menu planning with this girl. But the mom is out of the picture. As for your brother ... can you make that chain sound that indictates he's whipped. Do that. A lot.
Load More Replies... My sister was diagnosed with celiac for 10 years. It turned out to be something different but she is extremely sensitive to gluten. It is insane how easy cross contamination is and how hard it is to sanitize your kitchen. Her reaction was severe indigestion and flaring up of her other auto immune disorders. I wouldn't even cook for her and she'd bring her own meals to eat at celebrations/get togethers. Other people would try to cook for her, she'd be grateful of the effort, but wouldn't eat it with just "mild" reactions compared to Becca. You definitely need to know what you are looking for, the different names for ingredients containing gluten on TOP of avoiding dairy. Milk powder is used in a lot of stuff. I'm lactose intolerant and I definitely wouldn't cook for someone with a milk allergy unless I was making spaghetti. I have too much milk, I'm stuck in the bathroom for a while. Someone with a dairy allergy severe enough the need an epipen... No thank you. I'll leave that to the pros
Becca is 9, she wouldn't care. She's used to having different food than everyone else. Did she even realize it wasn't "auntie-cooked" before her mom made a big deal about it?
That's what I want to know, how did they know OP didn't make the meal? I'm sure she didn't leave it in the container from the restaurant. And so what if it was something different, I'm sure that little girl is used to eating different foods then everyone else. The mother just wanted to start trouble.
Load More Replies... Keto and allergies are two extremes. NTA. If I had someone who would cook Keto for me, I would really thank them and would not check the macros but I would not be offended if they had brought a meal from a restaurant to accommodate my long list of allergies. Usually I just gave my worst ones and bring my charcoal with me, just in case. I'm still the one responsible for either my children or my allergies. My husband only has one and easily passed over (mussels).
Cheryl is either super narcissistic, or incredibly jealous one. She is 99.9% likely to be jealous of you cooking, and you not being lazy to do it. When there is jealousy of this kind, it likely extends all the way on everything you are, and everything you have achieved, and are in possession. That is a major reason one tries to drive a spouse alienated from his family. You are better off cutting it out, and instead cooking for homeless. Seriously, you will get more appreciation there. You did everything right, blaming you here is as dumb, as dumb goes. Epi pen emergency is a horrendous thing, and they do not survive it every time, even with epi pen used! Your siL is... Unworthy of your family and attention, for her dumb, self loving acts. Unless she repents this, don't let her a mile close near your family Not feeling any reserved to leave, and screw the party feeling for everyone else is a major tell, as narcissistic, as jealous and inconsiderate as it gets. What a shame on your siL! You did every single thing right, considering what you knew up to the moment. Incredibly caring and considerate of you, and the extra expense it cost you to get Becca that meal, you are a champ. Your siL is a garbage personality, and evidently not a good wife material, as she did screw up the party for her husband a daughter first, and clueless, isn't she
Cheryl doesn't seem to be good mother material either since she's so willing to put her child's life at risk that way.
Load More Replies... I'm not diagnosed, however I have seen other people with ADHD. I know this guy made the right choice, he probably saved their daughter from a severe allergic reaction. He's NTA. In fact, he could be a hero lol. It's funny how the person with allergies was just fine with it, I would be too, but the people who it doesn't affect directly act offended. Ridiculous.
I believe you may have attention deficit disorder as your answer didn't mirror the OP's situation. The OP provided an entire menu for the step daughter prepared by a specialty gluten-free, dairy-free, nut free restaurant so that the stepdaughter would not have a severe allergic reaction as her kitchen is not dairy-free, nut free, or gluten-free and she was afraid she could not properly decontaminate her kitchen. So rather than stress and worry that she may make the girl very sick. She went out of her way to find that specialty restaurant that would keep the girl safe and healthy. The brother did not save his stepdaughter from anything except for eating a good meal purchased at his sister's expense from a specialty restaurant. However, I do agree with you, and find it amusing that the daughter was good with the meal while it was the mother who was offended.
Load More Replies... Welp this is kind a new one in me. The person with the restriction was fine but her step daddy was not, seems like he has the look at me I am different cater to my needs problem along with the mother. My answer would be don't like my food or what I do to accommodate your crotch fruits problems stay the f**k home. I will not be inviting you or your family to functions again if what I decide to do for MY party isn't good enough. Take your crotch fruit, whiney assed wife, and your entitled a*s and go p**s off.
I'm just going to use actions to speak to those horrible people who were annoyed that someone was concerned for their child's health and just say... peridot-63...c06fc.jpeg
OP is absolutely NTA!! They went above & beyond, researching a safe restaurant & even PAYING for Becca's extra meal out of their own pocket! And little Becca had no complaints! But the mom, Cheryl, decided this wasn't good enough for her little precious? Becca wasn't being left out by not eating the same as the others (as I said *SHE* wasn't bothered; she just started eating w/o a care in the world). In fact, contrary to that, she was treated better than the others, because she was catered to! And for a VERY good reason. It was Cheryl who created a pointless issue, for NO reason. She should be GRATEFUL that OP was so very concerned about her daughter's health. Instead, she had to throw a fit, make a scene-& alienate brother. I agree w/whoever said she sounds narcissistic, she's controlling, & attention-seeking. And brother is either pússywhipped, a wimp, or completely henpecked. Though, as angry as OP says he was, I'd say it's the first option. Cheryl has manipulated him to see only HER way. Also, as someone with ADHD myself, I totally understand OP's worries about herself, in that regard. Again, NTA!!!!
With situations like this, it’s always important to balance the safety of all diners, the feelings of visitors, and what can be reasonably expected of the hosts. In this instance, it would not have been safe to make a separate meal; it would not have been practical to make a separate meal; and the OP’s solution involved the host going to additional expense to provide a meal which the girl was happy with. The only required change would have been to make the sister-in-law sit outside, alone, in the rain, whilst everyone else enjoyed a pleasant meal.
As someone with both gluten-dairy sensitivities and ADHD- definitely NTA.
Cheryl is an idiot. She had a choice how to spin this. For a start, if her daughter didn't think it was an issue she made it one herself. However, she should have spun it the other way and taken it as "oh how nice of you to go to the effort of ordering food so myself and my child can enjoy the meal without worrying about her dying". I'm being extreme but hopefully you know what I mean. Cheryl did actually have a choice how to react here and she chose the negative route
Bad parenting. The OP is definitely not the AH. I have dietary restrictions and when I go over to share meals with friends, I just bring my own food. Also my own dishes. These parents need to start taking responsibility for their own child.
I was so ready to YTA this one until she stated that she wasn't comfortable/sure if she could safely make the kid's food. Seeing how much else she DID make, it's completely understandable. If you know someone has such a severe allergy to something that you can't accommodate for whatever reason, delegating to someone who can is ABSOLUTELY the right/safe thing to do. Brother and wife are TA. They handled it so poorly. That poor kid is going to grow up ostracized because of them if they keep this up. OP is NTA 3000. Handled it perfectly.
My friend's son had a peanut allergy, they carried an epi pen. He was not allowed to go to other houses for play dates, because of the many close calls they had had. So we all accepted that and she hosted play date and she provided all the snacks. We all respected her request that our kids not eat peanut products the day of the playdate and that they wash their hands when they got to her home. We all respected her and her concerns. How Cheryl was not equally concerned is beyond me. Parents who have to carry an epi pen are usually hypervigilant.
NTA! I have a son with a dairy allergy (not life threatening) and I used to bring food for him when we'd go to parties. Parents need to be prepared when they have kids with allergies; it's their responsibility not the host's.
the kitchen, the counter, the pans, the spoons and measuring cups she uses could all have levels of contaminates that could have made Becca very sick. The OP did the right thing by contacting a restaurant that specializes in this kind of cooking--you can bet it is up to code for Becca's needs. NTA--not only that, but the OP should not be asked to put herself in this position. PLUS that dinner for Becca would have been super expensive.
NTA OP did her best to cater for everyone. Even her step-niece. It's always better be safe than sorry. I seriously think it's not about the food. People would normally appreciate that you could provide the right food for their allergic family members. It feels weird that they could get angry with OP.
NTA. The special requirements of one guest were catered for with nutritious and tasty food. I suspect that the childs mother had another agenda as the way she acted would only be acceptable if no food was provided for her daughter.
Sounds like Cheryl was looking for an excuse to cause trouble. My sister has celiac and she doesn't trust anyone to prepare her food, she even has her own toaster and brings her own food to gatherings. I guarantee if the OP had prepared food for the kid Cheryl would have grilled her about the prep and still left.
I have a severe gluten allergy and have been left out of many family events and gatherings because people couldn't be bothered to cook safely for me. That being said, if you were using gluten in other things you were preparing for such a large party of people, it would have been virtually impossible for you-a person who does not live with a food allergy or regularly cook for this allergy- to ensure there was no cross contamination. What you did was provide a catered meal for someone with a food allergy attending your gathering, which is the kindest, most considerate thing you could have done short of making the entire meal dairy and gluten free. You did the right thing. Your brother and his wife made inappropriate assumptions about what this meal would be, as they did not bother to discuss it with you ahead of time. They didn't do their job as parents and got angry when things didn't magically turn out the way they envisioned they would. This wasn't your fault.
Even if she made the whole meal GF, it still wouldn't have been safe. She said somewhere that she bakes often, and has no dishwasher. Cross-contamination city!
Load More Replies... I have Celiac. This woman said that she often bakes in her kitchen and has no dishwasher. There's no way that she can avoid cross-contamination. I think that the person who suggested cooking in the stepdaughter's had the best idea. The sister-in-law is toxic, but she should at least give it one more chance.
NTA, you went the safe route which is the route you should of gone with if you were unsure. They are being ridiculous, it’s not like you didn’t have any food for Becca to eat and completely forgot about her. You actually were super caring and went out of your way to have a meal she can eat made by a place that knew what they were doing for allergy restrictions and picked it up in time to serve it to her. They are the a******s.
The headline was misleading, what she did was really considerate. Cheryl is a manipulative cow and her brother is a jackass.
Wow. Getting yelled at for actually giving a s**t about the poor girl's health. OP absolutely did the right thing making sure the kid had a meal that was safe.
You sound very kind and thoughtful. The mom is awful... and why is it that stupid brothers seem to always bring in obnoxious SILs. This one is repulsive. Everything you did was exactly what my dad did for me when my mom was serving a roast. It is incredibly wonderful what you planned. ❤️ Well done. Keep it up. Talk to your mom to maintain your solidarity.
I'd suggest bringing it up again with the brother to explain her reasoning behind the take out. Highlight the difference between cooking for people choosing to avoid certain foods, and cooking for a child who could have a life-threatening reaction from cross-contamination. Her kitchen is not gluten and dairy free, and due to her ADHD, she considered the risk of cross contamination to be unacceptably high. Totally NTA.
Starting with a 5 course celebration dinner is not the way to go. Invite them over, and concentrate on making a one course meal that is going to be safe. It is an immense joy when people take your dietary needs into consideration, and makes it look utterly seamless. It speaks of love and inclusivity. Speak with the family, and ask for their advice on how to include the child.
The child is so very sensitive to gluten that a wooden spoon used on regular pasta. Washed, then used on the child's pasta was enough to send her to the hospital. I don't have ADHD, nor am I easily distracted, but I wouldn't want to cook for someone that sensitive in my kitchen because it probably would send her to the hospital. Finding a restaurant that does not use dairy, gluten or nuts was a good solution. Such a restaurant would likely be spending, but worth the cost so the child could safely eat with the rest of tge family.
Load More Replies... Brother needs to get his balls out of Cheryl's purse. Then he needs to get someone his own age as she's looking for a boy she can control NOT a man she can be married to!
As a guy with allergies, this was the only right thing to do - the parents are asshats.
Having been in anaphylactic shock before, I don't know what this mother is thinking. Unless I do. Suppose Cheryl knew the OP made the best choice and was fine with the food but she saw a chance to stir up s**t between her husband and his family. Others have picked up on the imbalance (and possibly worse) in their relationship from the beginning and this scenario is possible if that's her goal. So Cheryl uses her husband AND her daughter to get what she wants.
I can't believe this wasn't mentioned by OP but OP /has a disability/ that affects her focus and memory. It is literally a disability, one I share. Knowing her limits, she proactively protected a child she's barely interacted with. OP is amazing and the parents are Aholes!
Let's also mention how expensive that meal she bought for the little girl. She wanted a reason to blow up. And the total disrespect to your parents and the family, both of them.
SIL is anAH for making a dinner meant to celebrate her in-laws anniversary about her. The kids was fine. SIL needs to get a grip. This was not the time to make a fuss.
It's incredibly thoughtful to ensure the safety of someone's food to that extent. Homemade items aren-t typically as stringently conforming as foods produced under regulations.
This whole situation is a hot mess. Ultimately, OP was NTA and actually took responsibility for the welfare of someone else’s child, which she didn’t have to do.
You had a ton of people coming over and a LOT to prepare already- now guests want you to do more?? Sorry- no. I am also GF (not celiac, but I get stomach problems with gluten) and I would never just assume a host is going to accommodate me. You ASK what they are serving and then work around that, if it isn't a good option for you. Geez- this sounds like you did double the work I do at Thanksgiving and you had guests who chewed you out AND left? I am sorry you had to experience that. NTA
Sorry, I didn't think it was worth the risk of killing your daughter to spare her feelings. I recognized given my own focus issues, and lack of knowledge indicated a high risk. I thought going out of my way to make sure something specializing in this to deliver something so I could ensure no cross contamation was thoughtful. Next time we'll just risk it, m'kay?!? TL;DR, NTA, but your Brother and SIL are
She was very thoughtful and responsible to order an allergy-free meal . The stepdaughter is aware of her condition and is already used to having different meals than her peers. The brother overreacted and was extremely rude. He should be thankful that she was so careful to ensure the girl had a suitable meal. He doesn't seem concerned about the fact that cross-contamination can easily occur in the kitchen.
That's gratitude for you! OP goes to great lengths to keep her niece safe, and the parents pitch a fit and stomp off to their wittle house. Seems that Becca showed a lot more maturity than her parents. Obviously Greg and Cheryl failed to understand that there's a big difference between "keto, vegan, and other complicated kinds of foods," and "foods that can actually kill you." OP, well aware of her own limitations, opted to play it safe and order takeout from a trusted restaurant. The resulting fallout would be enough incentive for me to forego preparing any food for that disagreeable pair.
It's possible nothing would have made them happy and if you had made her meal there could have been intense scrutiny on how you prepared it
Hold on. You had them pick out the meal for the kid. They were obviously aware of your intent. They had the opportunity to address this with you at that point. They didn't and left you believing it was fine (which it was). They're the problem.
OP said that SHE ordered it based on the child's allergies. She didnt have the parents pick it out. Presumably it was meant to be as close to what the rest were having as possible but safe for the child.
Load More Replies... NTA. Your thoughtfulness was inexplicably resented by your brother and his wife but you did absolutely nothing wrong. I can somewhat relate to your predicament because my dil whom I've tried to be friends with for years looks for some reason to be offended by something I've said or done when it's completely innocent on my part. She then gets my son on board with her unreasonable attitude accusing me of ridiculous motives. I hope you're able to reason with your brother and watch your back with your sil.
Truthfully, this event was to celebrate your parents wedding anniversary, and to get together, but they made the event about them and left. This left you all in an awkward and embarrassing moment. I'm so sad to hear that, especially since you put so much labor and effort to make such a big and elaborate meal and was willing to admit any shortcomings by picking up a meal specifically for the daughter from a professional place that deals with these meals. They should be grateful for your thoughtfulness. I usually don't like drama within the family but like a win win situation. I think having a conversation with your brother and Cheryl to make amends, and offer to cook another meal but in their kitchen, since you can't guarantee your equipment and all is but contaminated. I would look for a simple meal that is gluten and dairy free that they all can enjoy together so the daughter doesn't feel left out and may give Cheryl another meal option in the future to make for her daughter.
NTA. Let them and their sick child stay home next time. You're better than me for even ordering her anything Let alone inviting his family and their sick ash daughter to your feast. I'm sorry, I have no compassion for your brother or his 34 year old mother....OOPS I meant wife. Bc he couldn't even give you enough time to explain why she was eating take out, he just automatically wentwithwhatever his Karen ash wife whispered in his ear. NTA at all!!
We deal with food allergies in my family by working with parents to create a menu that doesn't include the offending ingredients. This way everyone is included. If they choose to bring something, that's okay but I always check.
You were NOT the A*****e. I think you were very considerate and your brother is a d**k. His wife sounds like a prize too. Let someone else cater to the family. You go visit, if you want .
Making homemade dishes for someone w/ severe food allergies & dietary restrictions is dicey. One of m' friends was deathly allergic( anaphylactic) to beans/ legumes. He'd always bring his own dinner. I would make some dishes he could eat, but made them the day b4, w/ metal utensils & on surfaces that were thoroughly cleaned. I still worried as beans/ legumes are common food items I regularly cooked otherwise. OP was absolutely right to order the girl a separate meal if she wasn't sure how to safely make it. OP was gracious & considerate. Her brother & SIL were not. SIL has an agenda & I'd limit m' dealings w/ her whenever possible. Hard NTA
Please let us know if this was resolved....AND IF your brother issued you an apology.
Brother is a disrespectful moron with a girlfriend who sounds like she offended by the smallest things then has someone else deal with it. Childish.
If my child had the same health issues as Becca, I would have been much calmer knowing that their meal came from a gluten and dairy-free restaurant!
You are definitely NTA. I have a you g family member like this child. Her diet is strictly vegan because her allergies can be so severe. Her mother and father have done an excellent job educating her and they actually prefer to handle the food prep for her themselves so no one has to worry that something has been done/not been done correctly. Expecting you to not only prepare a five course meal for everyone else in the family but also accommodate the meal prep for a child who could be severely harmed if you make a mistake is completely off the chain. The next time you offer to do something like this, don't even give the parents the option...reach out and tell them directly, in a nice way, that you do not feel comfortable keeping their daughter safe because of how easily you can be distracted so you know they will handle the child's meal
If it wasn't a life or death circumstance, I'd think that OP was trying to leave the step daughter out. Obviously that's not the case, but that's the only reason I can think of as to why anyone would be mad about that. OP didn't want to make a mistake and accidentally kill the kid, I'd say that's a perfectly valid reason to do what they did. NTA. The mom of all people should be the most understanding about that, but I guess not? I find it really strange that she puts this above her daughter's health.
NTA. I have a daughter with celiac and I can't tell you how often we've been to someone's house that says they made everything gluten free just to find out that one of their ingredients contained gluten. Cross contamination or missing just one ingredient in a sauce is so easy to do, especially if you haven't cooked with those restrictions before. As a mother, I would be incredibly grateful for the consideration that you took. Yes, sometimes my daughter feels left out if she can't have what's served, but unfortunately there's gluten in so many things and having something different is going to be a part of her life that she'll have to accept.
Definitely not the a*****e. She went out of her way to make sure the little girl could have a great meal and not possibly get sick. She was very thoughtful to do so. Cheryl and her brother are the a******s for sure though because they couldn't even bother to discuss it rationally with her and just left.
Absolutely NTA. As someone who does not have severe food allergies (I am lactose intolerant to the point that dairy does cause digestive upset, but nothing major and allergic to eggs; neither are life-threatening for me in any possible way) I would have turned her down, too. Messing up a recipe because someone is on a diet is one thing; it would cause the dieter to be irritated, but that's all. Accidentally messing up a recipe for someone who has genuine medical concerns is a risk I would be completely unable and unwilling to take. OP went above and beyond to make sure that Becca had something safe to eat. Cheryl's anger is completely unfounded.
Cheryl is your typical Bratty Insufferable Trifling Childish Harpy. I'm also lactose-intolerant, but I would never dream of imposing upon a host to accommodate me, much less acting like the aforementioned entity. OP was being beyond accommodating, providing a meal that Becca could have without complications. She even paid for it out of her own pocket, and the parents treated her like s**t! At the next family gathering, OP should just cook food as usual, and tell Greg and Cheryl to bring something for Becca, as she will be unable to accommodate her.
Load More Replies... My daughter has celiac and is lactose intollerant. It's a great strugle to find something safe for her to eat. You had a great solution. My 11 y.o knows, her food would probably be different from the rest of us and she is fine with it, because she has no other option. I read her this item. She told me, it would make her feel special and loved, knowing someone would take the time and effort to get her the safest option possibke, and that she wishes we had a gluten free place in our city. Best wishes and best of health to all!
I'm a gluten-free vegan, gf being a health requirement, but for my daughter, so is the vegan part, no eggs or milk allowed. If someone isn't confident about making our food, I prefer a certified restaurant. Let's be realistic, our food is always different from what the others are eating, anyway. I don't see how restaurant food isn't fancy enough and the child is certainly old enough to understand that.
My cousin has severe food allergies…this is usually how we do stuff
As a coeliac myself OP is NTA. Combine that with an allergy and she is aware of her restrictions regarding ADHD I for one, would be happy with her solution, or offer to bring my own version of the food she was serving. It’s stressful enough cooking for a large group of peopke, especially if you have a reputation for being a good cook.
As a severe allergy sufferer, 100% NTA!!! I am constantly glutened by restaurants (they don't care) and family (accidentally, but still it happens). It takes days to recover and it sucks. I think it's fantastic that you were taking this little girls allergies so seriously
You aren't the AH. I think your brother's wife is the AH and that he's a Casper Milquetoast for letting her lead him by the nose. It sounds like she's still his boss.
Putting myself in Greg's shoes... Was that the dad's name? If not, that's his name in my post. Friggin GREG pull your k**b out your wife's purse. You know what I would have done if my wife leaned over and said something like what I assume she said to him? Hey Becca? Do you like the food? When she says yes, Auntie got it specifically for you! That way you don't get sick... Isn't she thoughtful? THANK YOU AUNTIE! Then stare at my wife for a second or 2 so she knows she was being ridiculous.
Meh, I think OP's heart was in the right place but people are weird about their kids. I think the best thing to do would've been to call the girl's mom ahead of time and be like "hey look I don't trust myself to not kill your kid with my cooking and I'm thinking about getting her some takeout." At least then the mom would've known ahead of time.
NTA. Clearly you were more concerned for their daughter's health than they were that night.
I'm wonder if there's some preexisting relationship issues with in the family. I don't see how the brother could be so wrong about his sisters intentions. Totally don't think she's wrong but I'm wondering if there was so much insecurity how come there wasn't communication about the restaurant meal beforehand
She is toxic Cheryl I mean. She set you up on purpose knowing you would fail. If you made something for Becca and she was sick they would never see or speak to you again. But you didn't make anything for her you went out of your way to find her proper food for her and succeeded. You showed more care for beccas health then her mother or your brother. Shame on them and prayers for Becca she is not safe with a mother like hers. So she manipulated your brother into thinking that your caring and fore thought was exclusion when it is the height of inclusion. See you didn't have to invite them at all, you didn't even have to offer to make her someone or provide it, bit shuffled it off on them to bring when you invited them. So that's what you do. They are responsible for her health and well fair and since she has huge requirements they need to provide that for any and all functions from now on. Her expecting you to be able to not kill her daughter is her responsibility. Not yours! Tell her that is the law. If she doesn't like it? oh well sue food manufacturers.
SiL is obviously in the wrong and is likely just trying to alienate her husband's family from him. Fresh college graduate working first job where she's his several years older boss with a child. She had to have gunned for him from the get go and she's been distancing him from his family.
NTA But I disagree with the post that says you should try cooking a meal and inviting their family. The child seems fine but your brother and sister in law are AH's who stirred up drama deliberately. I'd avoid them completely.
I think that the missing piece is the lack of communication between the OP and her step-niece. She should have told her that she feared making her sick ahead of time but ensured her that she had found a restaurant and let the girl choose her meal. The OP considered the girl's health issues, but not her feelings.
Professional chef here. NTA. We even struggle to make safe food in kitchens thay are not specifically set up for and specilaize insevere allergies. Our ovens will have residue, shelves.etc. we need an allergy.list at the very least the day before. There.is no way a kitchen will have the resources necessary to sterlize the kitchen in the middle of service or create an entirely new dish. Also she is going to be eating differently than everyone else her whole life, she may as well come to terms with it. It's juat the facts if her life. Her parents are setting her up for bodily injury and constant disapointment if she doesnt learn to accept and manage her situatuon.
I mean, I get it. If I hyped my daughter by telling her about aunties cooking, and then she was served a take out while others got a 5 course fancy meal, Id feel really bad for her. They should have discussed it beforehand, either of them could have reached out. The parents assumed, from experience, that 'auntie cooks anything'. And then it was too late.
I totally get it. However, she should have discussed this with them well in advance and explain that she was so worried that she would make her sick, would the take out order from the specialty restaurant be ok with them? I guarantee if they knew the back story it wouldn't have turned out poorly. I feel for the little girl as that must be really hard not having what others enjoy. And this sets the tone for any family gatherings from here on out, make sure everyone's dietary restrictions are being met. Yes, it can be extra work, and if it's too much, don't offer to host gatherings where only some family members can attend. I cook for others and always make sure that we can all enjoy mostly the same meal and have options for those that may need them. I feel bad, and hope they can all sit down and get over this hurdle and come together as a family again.
This is one of those situations where, this woman just can't win. You're NTA, because if you cooked for her and made her sick, her mom and your brother would've been up in arms and she possibly claiming it was intentional because of your cooking skills. And if you did the take out option to prevent any accidents, it looks like she's being singled out because she has a different meal from the rest of the family and some people take very special note of the whole "we're all blood, and you're not, this is how we're gonna rub that in", even though clearly that's not the case here. If your brother had just listened for 2 seconds, he would've been able to understand your concerns and could've helped come up with a solution for future gatherings that Becca would be attending so she could always be "included", despite the fact she was never excluded to begin with.
I have a niece with severe food allergies and another with ADHD who struggles with foods and textures. understand this completely. I just make the whole meal around them, but this is definitely an acceptable route.
I have Celiac & many food allergies requiring me to carry an Epi-Pen. It is nearly impossible for me to eat anywhere but at home. To the Sister your definitely NTA, quite the opposite actually! You went above what most would do (expect parents or person w/allergies to bring own food). Your SIL seems to like to "stir the pot" as they say. I'd watch out for that one! I am a Chef & no matter how well someone can cook mistakes can be made. Good on you for knowing your limitations! 👍
I think what you did was smart I am a chef and wouldn't have taken the chance either in my own home. A place that specializes for such restrictions you are very lucky. And your family should appreciate you went out of your way to ensure her safety....As far as I'm concerned good on you
NTA! I’m a bit curious about the true motivation of your SIL as you come across as a loving, caring auntie to her child. You may consider sending them the link to this page as it will help you explain your reason for ordering takeout from an allergen-safe kitchen, but without being cutoff. You researched restaurants so that your niece would be included—you definitely sound like an amazing auntie! God bless you!
Makes you wonder... How did these Igmo's never ASK what a person wants. If I am going to spend Ffsh... money, for a kid to do, what? LOOK AT ME WITH MORE CONTEMPT than I HAVE for HER...? By the time I'm done, Your kid will ask YOU to teach her how to do dishes and vacuum... And I won't even give her My number... Ffsh...
Can you say all of that again but just a little slower please?
Load More Replies... I'd say, she knows her brother and SIL (and they know her) so she messed up first, to a small extent --- she should have done exactly as she did but beforehand inform them. If they don't like it they can kindly eff off, without the extra bother of prebooking a restaurant and picking up courses while doing your five course meal at home (with ADHD on top of it, enough of an endurance feat). They of course messed up big time and wouldn't be welcome back until a seriously-meant apology (not a keeping-the-peace one).
Idk. If she messed up a little by not informing them, they messed up majorly by not even inquiring on the food for the little girl. The parents are responsible for making sure their daughter has a safe, allergy-free meal. They should've been calling and asking exactly what her plans were for their daughter, or asking if they needed to bring their own food for her since she has such severe allergies. At that point they would've been informed of the allergy free restaurant that would be ordered from. My adult brother has a very restricted diet due to allergies and he is constantly calling and asking what foods are being prepared at family events and often elects to bring his own food or sides to be 100% safe, and his allergies aren't even life threatening. If this little girl carries an epi pen for food allergies, those parents should be constantly aware of the food she is being served.
Load More Replies... She looked out for the safety of the child. Why you think this is about her ego is beyond me, because that certainly doesn't come across in her post. She has a disability that could have put this child at risk. Admitting that is the exact OPPOSITE of being egotistic.
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