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Man Refuses To Let His Late Wife’s Wedding Dress Be Cut, Gets Called A Jerk By Family
People may have different ideas about how to commemorate people close to them when it comes to certain precious things that belonged to them. Some things might seem in need of a certain transformation and revival, while others might seem to keep their special significance by being kept in exactly the shape they are in.
Finally, sometimes the question of who has a final say on the matter needs to be addressed, as well. At least these seemed to have been the aspects relevant to this Redditor’s decision to keep his late wife’s wedding dress in one piece, rather than getting it cut up to make it suitable for his daughter.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
A man’s daughter accused him of ‘gatekeeping’ his late wife’s wedding dress, as he refused to allow cutting it
Image credits: Dmitry Schemeley (not the actual photo)
The man shared that his wife passed away two years ago
Image credit: u/Potential-Junket-193
Image credits: Oana Lupescu (not the actual photo)
Image credit: u/Potential-Junket-193
The man’s daughter asked to size her mom’s wedding dress up so she can wear it for her own wedding
Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)
The man found that they needed to cut the dress up in order to size it up significantly and refused to consent to it
A man brought it to the Reddit AITA community online after his disagreement with his daughter and asked people online if he was the jerk for refusing to cut his late wife’s wedding dress.
The man shared that his wife passed away two years ago. And since his daughter’s wedding is planned for 2025, she asked her father if she can wear her late mother’s wedding dress. The dress is of a significantly smaller size than the daughter wears, yet she explained to her father that she wished to size it up.
The man looked into it and found that sizing up the dress meant cutting it up. The man refused to allow cutting his late wife’s wedding dress and let his daughter know she wouldn’t be able to wear it for her wedding.
The man offered his daughter some of her mother’s jewelry, yet his daughter accused him of gatekeeping his wife’s things and hung up on him. The man explained his daughter thinks he is a jerk in addition to his sons being on him to give up the dress.
The man added that he didn’t think his wife would have liked the idea of cutting up her wedding dress.
The man suggested his daughter wear some of her mother’s jewelry
Image credits: Daniel Moises Magulado (not the actual photo)
The man’s daughter accused him of ‘gatekeeping’ the dress and hung up while his sons were also pressuring him to give it up
The man’s post gathered 15.6k upvotes on Reddit in just 6 days and people judged the man wasn’t a jerk in this situation.
The man confirmed that cutting the dress up for him would feel like cutting up a memory or a keepsake, and commenters agreed these to be valid reasons, noting that he has time to process it, in case his stance changes over time.
FlossieOnyx added that she thought it was an okay line to draw, emphasizing that the man’s wife wore the dress in its current state when she married HIM, and for this reason, it is precious to him in the state it is currently in, and not altered.
SilasRhodes similarly noted that while the mother is important to both the man and his daughter, the wedding was particularly important to the OP.
They elaborated that for the OP, the dress is a reminder of a specific important memory with his wife, therefore symbolically the dress has a stronger connection to the OP’s relationship with his wife than to the daughter’s relationship with her mother.
The suggestion brought up by commenters brings us to the point that going deeper into each person’s relation to a specific memento – an object kept as a reminder of a person or event – that in this case was inherited might be supported by M. Mauss’s idea to discuss the gift as a transfer that is based on a relationship between giver and receiver.
This approach was listed by J. J. Goodnow and J. A. Lawrence among crucial studies on inheriting and gift-giving in their book Inheriting As People Think It Should Be – From Money To Mementos.
Similarly, in their overview, scholars brought up an even more relevant approach for the OP’s issue, which is I. Koputoff’s suggestion that analyzing the significance of things requires considering “their lines of movement or transfer: their cultural biography.”
These, in this case, are two aspects that commenters took into consideration as they discussed the history of the wedding dress and the dress’s connection to both relationships – that is, the mother-daughter and wife-husband relationship. As a reminder and part of the wedding, it has a stronger connection to the man, and therefore he gets the final say, in case he wants to keep the dress unaltered or in one piece.
What’s your take on the situation? Please, share your thoughts in the comment section below!
Redditors backed the man, noting that symbolically, the dress has a stronger connection to the man as part of the couple’s wedding
What do you think ?
Tabitha 2 years ago (edited)
The best suggestion so far is to get the dress exactly copied, except in the daughter’s size. To do that for two daughters means you HAVE to keep the original intact. That could be what he tells his daughter as they take it to the dressmaker to be examined and copied to the daughter’s proportions. My mother was a lot shorter and smaller all over than I was. I got the curvier proportions (not overweight just a lot more hourglass) from my father’s side of the family. So I couldn’t have worn her dress without altering it a lot, and I didn’t want to do that. So I chose and bought my own. That way, I didn’t have to worry about possibly ruining a vintage dress that has a lot of sentimental attachments to it. No regrets.
Sweet Taurus 2 years ago
This is a fantastic solution. It could potentially become a sort of tradition for the daughters and possibly granddaughters. That would keep her memory alive for generations.
Load More Replies...
ॐBoyGanesh 2 years ago (edited)
His wedding, his wife’s wedding belongs to him and his wife. It was THE moment in time where they ceremoniously shared their love, union & commitment between the two of them. The wedding license has their names on it, the entirety of that day and the dress his wife wore solely belongs to the two of them. Presumably the daughters were not born. The dress is a very symbolic memento of a special moment exclusively his and hers. The daughters are a result of their love & relationship, married or not. Neither girl nor any human alive has any claim to that dress except OP. And he should be able to cherish it and protect it as he sees fit. This wasn’t a generational item passed down and now he’s ending the tradition. It has nothing to do with his daughters. They should respect that he wants to keep it in tact. No questions asked and no pressure to do otherwise.
Fun Fan 2 years ago (edited)
Yes, the loss is very recent, and I see the father's reasons. I know, everybody grieves in different ways, and indeed, they getting married was a special point in his life, and the dress, in which he saw his beloved wife, was playing big part of it. I think, here the timing was wrong. It was just 2 years since his wife passed. He still can't let go her loved items. It will come that time also in the grieving process. But now, it's just too early for him. Maybe in 5-6 years, he would be okay to see his late wife dress on his daughters, even modified, creating new joyful memories, feeling like their mother is there on her daughters' wedding, sharing that moment through the dress.
Load More Replies...
Captain McSmoot 2 years ago
I wish people would see the design of the dress in their heads. /the dress wouldn't even look good. There would be a giant strip or strips extending the dress for an overweight woman. If he doesn't think his wife would be okay with it AND the dress wouldn't look good, then don't do it.
Tabitha 2 years ago
That’s why I said in my comment that the suggestion of having it exactly copied, but to the daughter’s proportions, was the best suggestion of all.
Load More Replies... Ron Baza 2 years ago
Sometimes you can turn a “No” into a “Yes”. Sometimes you can turn a “Yes” into a “No”. There aren’t many occasions that you can do either. Until he’s comfortable with this idea, he should sit on his “No”; if he gives a reluctant “Yes” and regrets it he’ll never be able to change his mind.
Helena 2 years ago
I lost my mother when I was young, before marriage age. And let me tell you, losing a spouse or losing a parent young are two different things. Dad got remarried. So now my mother has half a headstone, that will never be whole, because he won't be buried with her. All of the stuff that was hers has now been trashed, donated or relegated to a dusty corner of a basement. I will only ever have had the one mom. Ditto for the kids in the story. How is he going to feel when he loses his relationships with his kids along with his wife? Sure he lost his spouse, but (presumably) his daughter will get married once. She's doing this without her mother when this is usually a bonding thing between mother and daughter. For something that will mean very little to him in a few years, he is willing to make his daughter unhappy and jeopardize their relationship. He may be technically correct, but that doesn't mean he's right. This will turn out badly.
Caro Caro 2 years ago
Don't know why the downvote. I agree. It is very difficult to part with the things of your deceased spouse (and I know bc my husband passed last year) but what the heck are you going to do with the dress in say 10 years. Nobody will want it and the daughter probably wants to be close to her mum by wearing the dress. Yes, it's hard but 2 years is a long time to keep a dress that will later be given to a thrift store and the daughter will miss out. This dress IS a dress she found with her mum in a way. I have started donating my husbands clothes to the red cross, it's not easy but I'm sure he would love the idea that people with low incomes can enjoy his good quality clothing.
Load More Replies...
Jude Laskowski 2 years ago
NTA. This is his wife's dress and he will always remember the day she wore it to marry him. It doesn't sound like his late wife ever said that she wanted her daughter(s) to wear it someday. I'm sure it will also be way too difficult for him to watch his daughter walk down the aisle in the dress, while he's remembering his wedding day. He offered the daughter mom's jewelry, but she decided to be a brat about it. She should grow up and buy her own dress, then save if for her daughter if she has kids.
Tabitha 2 years ago (edited)
The best suggestion so far is to get the dress exactly copied, except in the daughter’s size. To do that for two daughters means you HAVE to keep the original intact. That could be what he tells his daughter as they take it to the dressmaker to be examined and copied to the daughter’s proportions. My mother was a lot shorter and smaller all over than I was. I got the curvier proportions (not overweight just a lot more hourglass) from my father’s side of the family. So I couldn’t have worn her dress without altering it a lot, and I didn’t want to do that. So I chose and bought my own. That way, I didn’t have to worry about possibly ruining a vintage dress that has a lot of sentimental attachments to it. No regrets.
Sweet Taurus 2 years ago
This is a fantastic solution. It could potentially become a sort of tradition for the daughters and possibly granddaughters. That would keep her memory alive for generations.
Load More Replies... ॐBoyGanesh 2 years ago (edited)
His wedding, his wife’s wedding belongs to him and his wife. It was THE moment in time where they ceremoniously shared their love, union & commitment between the two of them. The wedding license has their names on it, the entirety of that day and the dress his wife wore solely belongs to the two of them. Presumably the daughters were not born. The dress is a very symbolic memento of a special moment exclusively his and hers. The daughters are a result of their love & relationship, married or not. Neither girl nor any human alive has any claim to that dress except OP. And he should be able to cherish it and protect it as he sees fit. This wasn’t a generational item passed down and now he’s ending the tradition. It has nothing to do with his daughters. They should respect that he wants to keep it in tact. No questions asked and no pressure to do otherwise.
Fun Fan 2 years ago (edited)
Yes, the loss is very recent, and I see the father's reasons. I know, everybody grieves in different ways, and indeed, they getting married was a special point in his life, and the dress, in which he saw his beloved wife, was playing big part of it. I think, here the timing was wrong. It was just 2 years since his wife passed. He still can't let go her loved items. It will come that time also in the grieving process. But now, it's just too early for him. Maybe in 5-6 years, he would be okay to see his late wife dress on his daughters, even modified, creating new joyful memories, feeling like their mother is there on her daughters' wedding, sharing that moment through the dress.
Load More Replies... Captain McSmoot 2 years ago
I wish people would see the design of the dress in their heads. /the dress wouldn't even look good. There would be a giant strip or strips extending the dress for an overweight woman. If he doesn't think his wife would be okay with it AND the dress wouldn't look good, then don't do it.
Tabitha 2 years ago
That’s why I said in my comment that the suggestion of having it exactly copied, but to the daughter’s proportions, was the best suggestion of all.
Load More Replies... Ron Baza 2 years ago
Sometimes you can turn a “No” into a “Yes”. Sometimes you can turn a “Yes” into a “No”. There aren’t many occasions that you can do either. Until he’s comfortable with this idea, he should sit on his “No”; if he gives a reluctant “Yes” and regrets it he’ll never be able to change his mind.
Helena 2 years ago
I lost my mother when I was young, before marriage age. And let me tell you, losing a spouse or losing a parent young are two different things. Dad got remarried. So now my mother has half a headstone, that will never be whole, because he won't be buried with her. All of the stuff that was hers has now been trashed, donated or relegated to a dusty corner of a basement. I will only ever have had the one mom. Ditto for the kids in the story. How is he going to feel when he loses his relationships with his kids along with his wife? Sure he lost his spouse, but (presumably) his daughter will get married once. She's doing this without her mother when this is usually a bonding thing between mother and daughter. For something that will mean very little to him in a few years, he is willing to make his daughter unhappy and jeopardize their relationship. He may be technically correct, but that doesn't mean he's right. This will turn out badly.
Caro Caro 2 years ago
Don't know why the downvote. I agree. It is very difficult to part with the things of your deceased spouse (and I know bc my husband passed last year) but what the heck are you going to do with the dress in say 10 years. Nobody will want it and the daughter probably wants to be close to her mum by wearing the dress. Yes, it's hard but 2 years is a long time to keep a dress that will later be given to a thrift store and the daughter will miss out. This dress IS a dress she found with her mum in a way. I have started donating my husbands clothes to the red cross, it's not easy but I'm sure he would love the idea that people with low incomes can enjoy his good quality clothing.
Load More Replies... Jude Laskowski 2 years ago
NTA. This is his wife's dress and he will always remember the day she wore it to marry him. It doesn't sound like his late wife ever said that she wanted her daughter(s) to wear it someday. I'm sure it will also be way too difficult for him to watch his daughter walk down the aisle in the dress, while he's remembering his wedding day. He offered the daughter mom's jewelry, but she decided to be a brat about it. She should grow up and buy her own dress, then save if for her daughter if she has kids.
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